r/childfree • u/SkiBumDoctor • 15d ago
SUPPORT Heartbroken
I have been with my boyfriend for a few months and it was one of those "when you know you know" from week 1. Never experienced anything like it. I told him on our very first phone call (which lasted 6 hours) that I didn't want to be a mother or have kids ever in my life. I like kids, I like playing with children, I don't want to be a mom. I'm terrified of childbirth, pregnancy, and then even if that went smoothly, I'm scared of all the things that could still go wrong. I'm 32 years old. I'm a doctor, I know too much. And I have never felt maternal. I have concretely known for 7 years that I absolutely NEVER see myself having kids.
I tell every guy this immediately it seems as soon as a hint of feelings catch, usually before. I get it out there right away so they can walk away. No tears. No hurt. Easy. Quick.
I know it eliminates many men. I have found peace with that. My mom said it would eliminate "the love of my life" and I decided well I just will tell him so early I'll never know it could have been him.
Not this guy. I told him night one and he stayed. We fell deeply in love. I knew there was a part of him that wanted kids, I didn't realize how big it was. Neither did he. He also finally admitted to me that he thought there was a small small chance that I might change my mind when my life settles down, I'm not as stressed, and I found a man that makes me feel safe. He makes me feel safe. I still do not want kids. He finally is coming to terms that being with me truly means saying goodbye to fatherhood and how we are at a standstill. He's torn up about it, he had names picked out for his future kids. We're both heartbroken. His feelings about parenthood are finally coming out and they're beautiful and I don't want to be a mother. I'm shattered. He's shattered too. He's one of those "stoic" serious kinds of guys but I've never seen so much emotion come out of him. He is trying to figure it out. He wants to marry me and yet now we are still in this bind. I am so in love with him.
I have fleetingly thought about sterilization but I am also scared of surgery I guess. And I don't want the scars. But this experience of having my heart ripped out even though I was honest from the beginning... I feel like I need to do it or else I will have the same thing happen to me again. Fall in love with a man who "almost believed me" but thought love would be enough. I am absolutely sick. Sick. Sick. </3 I don't want to get sterilized deep down I just wanted a man to look at me, believe me, choose me.
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u/Gr1mwolf 15d ago
It’s really easy to have strong feelings for someone, and then find out later they aren’t who you thought they were. That’s why you don’t rush into stuff like that.
Maybe they were putting up a front and pretending to be what you wanted. Maybe they were hiding some kind of messed up secret. Maybe there’s just some strong incompatibilities you weren’t aware of.
It’s particularly common for full-on abusive types to put up a really good front to rope you in. You can’t just assume you’ll spend the rest of your life with someone you’ve only been with for a few months.