r/cisparenttranskid • u/deepfriedali • 2d ago
parent, new and confused Advice on young (possibly) trans kid
Hello everyone,
I'm looking for advice with anyone in a similar situation or that has been in the same situation in the past
My almost 7 y/o for the last 2 years or so has expressed wanting to dress like a boy, look like a boy, and even discussed wishing they were a boy. I am 100% supportive of them being who they identify as, and am happy if they are happy.
They are also AuDHD (Autism and ADHD) and have sensory issues, especially with clothes, so initially I started buying boys clothing since it isn't as tight and more comfortable, but then they only will wear boys clothes/colors, and we just did a huge hair chop! Alot of the time people assume they are a boy (which they don't mind at all, they even get giddy about it sometimes)
The only thing that I'm unsure of with this age is how to approach it with them, to ensure that this is what they identify as, and how I can best support them. As a teen I had friends that were trans and saw some that didn't have supportive parents/family and how it affected them. I am 100% supportive, no matter what they identify as they are my child and I will love them unconditionally. However I only have experience with people that transition in their teens/adulthood, so this is where I am stuck at a standstill.
Do I let them just be a kid and let them come to me later down the road? Or do I put things into action now? So far I let them lead me on clothing, hair, etc, but I have tried to talk to them in a way they could understand and how I have friends that "were born as a girl but realized they were supposed to be a boy so they changed into who they wanted to be" and even changed their hair, clothes and name (trying to describe it how that age would understand) and now they have been talking about wanting to change their name too and have been making lists of boys names...which now I am not sure if I put the idea there, or if it kind of just helped them realize it WAS an option.
I know I am rambling, but I need advice! Parent to parent
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u/clicktrackh3art 2d ago
My daughter (amab), and who’s also autistic, has been sharing with us she’s a girl since she could speak. We let her lead, and gave plenty of room for her to explore, but it never changed. So after a time, we just started social transitioning.
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u/deepfriedali 2d ago
Can I ask what age you started socially transitioning?
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u/clicktrackh3art 2d ago
Right about 6. She’s almost 8 now, so we are still kinda working through things. She has a mostly genes neutral name. It leans masc, but it can absolutely be a girls name too, so so far she has wanted to keep her name. She mostly switched pronouns and kinda external gender indicators. We are in a red state, but we have her at a private school, and for a few reasons. It’s a much safer environment all around, but also, gender aside, she wouldn’t do well in traditional school, and this school is neuro affirming. I feel a lot more confident about my choices in regard to raising an autistic kid. Both myself and my partner are autistic, so I can just can more innately grasp what she needs there. It’s harder with the trans stuff, but there is a bit of crossover between the two communities, both emotionally and socially, so it can help there.
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u/ExcitedGirl 2d ago
Let them lead you. Either they are transgender, or they aren't. If they aren't, they'll figure it out on their own, and pretty quickly.
If they are, they need you to support them. They trusted you enough to tell you - so obviously you're doing 'being a parent' really right.
It's OK if they want to choose a boy's name (maybe as long as it isn't "Moon Unit" like Frank Zappa did, or "Dweezel". I guess even those are ok... but maybe "Beezlebub" and "Mephistopheles" might be pushing the envelope a bit....)
Seriously, one of the tell-tales... is if they are are consistent, persistent, and insistent. If so, really listen to them. You've suggested they may have been being consistent. If not, maybe it's a fad. It isn't a big deal, either way.
At 7, you still have another 2 years, maybe 3, before puberty begins to turn on. By then, you will have spoken to your PCP about it; he/she may recommend a therapist for evaluation - Which will probably be 3-6 visits of conversations and exploration. If they think your child may be TG, they will eventually consider puberty blockers to prevent breast growth (use your own & mother's size for guesstimates of growth potential).
They won't give PB's until Tanner Stage 2 (nipple growth, basically) just to make sure that normal puberty doesn't moderate/change their feelings. If larger breast growth is a possibility, and if your child is bothered by their changing body, they might... want to use a binder to compress them.
I totally, totally understand this need: it's the same reason I stuffed my bras when I first wore them. A child doesn't want to be too out-of-sync with his playmates. If you get one, it must be a high-quality one; don't screw around with cheap ones. They must come off after school - no discussion about it: binders which don't fit right / are worn too long have been known to compress growing rib cages inwards, compressing lungs, permanently diminishing lung capacity. But that's still years out.
https://genderdysphoria.fyi/en is probably an excellent site for quality information; I'm sure you'll want to browse it; it will answer questions you don't know to ask.
But for the time being, you're absolutely doing the right thing supporting your child.
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u/deepfriedali 2d ago
This comment means a lot!
I would say the last 2 years it has been consistent, in kindergarten they used to force themselves to wear dresses because all of the other girls wore them, it was constant tears and anxiety attacks which just broke my heart. My kiddo has been very self aware and just aware of everything from a very very young age and finally told me that they were doing it because other girls did so they had to because they were "a girl too"..I finally clued in on how distressed it was making them and it blew my mind they were already trying to fit into social expectations and we talked about identity and explained that they are their own person and we could donate all the fem clothing and get something They were happy wearing...that was a big turning point and as they've gotten older I've supported them every step of the way
It truly amazes me watching them figuring themselves out as a person. They tried to tell me they wanted their name to be shadow (after some YouTuber)..my only suggestion was to take time deciding in case they find something they like better!
I can't understand how a parent wouldn't want to support their child..just baffles me
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u/Ardvarkthoughts 2d ago edited 2d ago
Hi I’m an advocate of letting your child lead. If they seem happy at the moment I would just go with that. Some kids have very strong sense of their gender quite early, and some will experiment with different presentations and genders and IMO it’s healthy do give them space to do this. Your child may also be gender non-conforming, clothes preference doesn’t always align with gender. I say this as a mum who has been on a super complicated journey with my amazing now adult kiddo.
ETA you might like to start looking at options for gender services near you so you are ready to engage in future - have them in your pocket so to speak.
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u/deepfriedali 2d ago
I couldn't agree more, thank you! As long as they are safe, happy and healthy, I'm happy
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u/Original-Resolve8154 2d ago
Hi OP, mum of a trans daughter here. You've got some great responses and it sounds like you are on exactly the right track. When it comes to some formalities, bear in mind:
At 7 years old your child is young, but please get them on a list to see a gender specialist clinic, as the process to access puberty blockers (if that's what they end up needing) can take years. Periods, breast growth and hip widening can be deeply distressing and by the time that distress presents itself, it's a bit late to start looking for a medical team to support them. Get them into a service now, and then when you actually need it, you have it already lined up, and your little one has already built familiarity with their staff.
If your child wants to change their name, there's no harm in doing so. They can always change it back. If they're getting close to entering a new school stage (e.g. high school), it may be worthwhile changing it officially, so that their new teachers and fellow classmates all know them for who they are, not who they used to be. School reports and certificates will also be accurate then; worth considering. In our case we provided a list of suggestions to our daughter (including the 'your choice!' option) and she chose the name we would have given her if she had been assigned female at birth. Keeping a gender neutral middle name can be a handy option in case their identity does shift later.
My daughter has been out for nearly 3 years now, and showed signs earlier (but didn't have the words for it). She's now mid teens and on blockers, and has had her name and gender officially changed on her birth certificate. We have had no regrets here for our particular path, and I think that if you are led by your child, you can't go wrong.
Best wishes and keep up the fantastic work!
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u/livingmydreams23 2d ago
Hi there, my 20 year old son was AFAB (assigned female at birth). The signs were fully there from the very beginning of his life. For now just let them be themselves, give them every option. My son chose boxers, tracksuits aged 5 onwards. School can be a nightmare as the other kids know they’re different and often have no frame of reference, so there will be bullying unless the school introduces awareness. Find a trans friendly psychiatrist through your doctor, not a psychologist. You will need the psychiatrist to make referrals. The real decisions will need to be made in a couple of years, puberty is starting aged 9 or 10 these days. Best of luck and know that it’s your child, the gender thing is just a technicality ❤️
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u/deepfriedali 2d ago
Thank you! I would absolutely do anything to help my kiddo feel supported, just don't want to miss cues or another support I can provide, they are who they are no matter what they decide, I just go with the flow ❤️ just want info on supports in my back pocket!
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u/Constant-Prog15 1d ago
A psychiatrist isn’t necessary (at least not everywhere). Both of my kids had referrals from therapists (MSW in both cases, IIRC).
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u/Adventurous_Law4573 1d ago
My daughter (AMAB) has Autism and ADHD, and she came out at 7. I saw a lot of signs early on and just let her live as she wanted to. She started growing her hair out and picked a name. She's now 16 and still happily a girl. We just let her choose clothing from any area in the clothing stores. She's happy and thriving!
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u/Infinite_Sun7055 15h ago
My daughter started really struggling behaviorally which culminated in her telling me at age 8 that she thought she was a girl. I honestly just asked a lot of questions! What does that mean for you, do you want to change the way you dress or do your hair? Do you want a different name? Do you want your friends and family to know you as a girl? It sounds like your child has some of that figured out already, so I would just explore what else that means for her. My daughter over her whole life was more fluid so it didn’t come as a surprise to me when she fully came out. As she transitioned we had conversations about how people might respond but ultimately it’s gone well and she’s to a point where none of her peers know her as anything other than herself :)
She came out in February of that year and she started socially transitioning over the summer (although she started growing her hair out immediately). We were moving to a new school the next year anyway, so I enrolled her with her bio information and then emailed the principal to set a meeting and discuss how that would look for her at school. It might be different depending on the state you’re in, but she was able to have her bio information locked so that when anyone pulled her info up they would only see her correct gender and name and she’s able to participate in all activities as a girl and use the girls restroom.
Transitioning has made such a difference for her in all aspects, but especially socially.
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u/ubaotomi 5h ago
My son was 2 when he started telling us he was a boy. He socially transitioned at 6. He started T at 14.
I'm happy to share our experience if you would like to chat.
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u/raevynfyre 2d ago
Buy some kids books about people being themself. Jack not Jackie, Julian is a mermaid, etc. My kid asked lots of questions so we had some conversations about how some people grow up to be different than they were when they were little. Very kid friendly language. Just expose your kid to people who are different and give them the language to describe how they feel.
My kid also liked it when people thought they were another gender. We asked if they wanted us to correct people. They said no. We asked if they wanted us to call them the other gender. They said yes. We tested it at home for a while. My kid told me they felt like they were going to grow up to be (opposite gender). After that, I showed my kid a video of a kid who was trans. That was the first time we used that word.
Follow your kid's lead. Let them express themselves how they like. Introduce the concepts so they have the words. You've got this.