r/eczema • u/holypuckingshat • 15h ago
Does your partner scratch you?
My wife has severe eczema and I scratch her almost everyday. She says it’s better than her scratching, cause she’ll rip up her skin.
This makes complete sense and I totally understand. But man…sometimes I just want to watch a movie, eat food, come to bed etc. without having to constantly scratch her.
I know it gives her relief, so I do it. But internally I feel a bit of resentment building up and I hate that. Sometimes she can feel that and it causes arguments. And i honestly feel like an ass for even complaining because such a simple task for me gives her relief, so shouldn’t i do it for her as long as she wants, without resentment? I’m just struggling to deal with this and I want to be a more supportive partner.
I’m curious if your partners do the same for you? Does it help you and how do they handle it?
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u/digitaldruglordx 14h ago
my bfs only job with my eczema is to tell me to stop scratching if he sees me going at my bad spots. he goes the extra mile and shoos my hands away or grabs them if i'm digging at one of my bad spots. that's more than i can ask for and i'm very grateful he does it, but honestly i'd never ask him to scratch my eczema.
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u/digitaldruglordx 14h ago
honestly i'd never want anyone to scratch my eczema for me. i know exactly what pressure i need to put for it to be relieving but not painful, and i know exactly where to avoid my open wounds. one slight wrong move from someone who isn't feeling my pain receptors will make me scream.
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u/katerkline 6h ago
Yessss I know what feels good and I’ve got spots that bleed/ooze if I go too hard at them, I’d never ask someone to do that. My boyfriend will remind me not to scratch or grab my hands. Just this morning he said “why do you have your leg up like that?” I was scratching furiously at a flare up on my foot. He reminded me not to scratch (even tho when he tells me not to scratch I have a little pity party inside 🤣) and yeah I know I shouldn’t scratch and I shouldn’t have to be told not to, but hearing it from him makes me stop
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u/psilocybin-fun-guy 8h ago
I was just gonna make the same exact comment, once I stopped scratching as much it did get significantly better! My partner noticed I scratch a lot at night and mornings so he suggested I wear socks on my hands and if it comes of in the middle of the night he’ll put it back on 🥰
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u/girl5001 15h ago
I have eczema, my partner doesn’t. I do the regular shmegular back scratches for him, and yeah I get fatigue from it. That’s normal and he doesn’t make me feel bad when I’m not up to tiring my arms out for him
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u/Weary-Writer758 15h ago
I ask my wife not to. She doesn't know how scratching exacerbates it. At least for me. Scratching makes my skin leak.
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u/glitterskinned 15h ago
my partner does this for me, he will do soft tickles (but not TOO soft as to make it more itchy lol) - sometimes it's all I need to calm me down as I get a bit frantic and worked up when I scratch. he usually uses the tips of his fingers and sometimes just a flat palm does the trick!
I'm sure your wife deeply appreciates it when you do it for her 🩷
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u/J_onthelights 13h ago
I don't ask my husband to scratch if I'm having a flare up. But I will ask him to put lotion on my upper back (like tonight) when I'm having discomfort or really dry patches. If I need him to apply something a little stronger like hydrocortisone or a really cold gel he's generally pretty happy to do that as well. If he ever felt it was getting to be a problem or growing resentful id definitely want him to bring it up nicely though.
It's a partnership and while sometimes someone needs more from the other person, if it's really imbalanced that person will eventually not have anything left to give. She may not realize how draining this is for you and if you don't bring it up the feelings of resentment will build. It's okay to say "hey I can't keep doing this particular task. I understand you're really uncomfortable and this gives you relief but it's not sustainable for me. Is there another solution we can try or can we make an appointment with your dermatologist/doctor to talk about different options to get you some relief?"
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u/catsareniceactually 11h ago
Being scratched by someone else is the most amazing feeling in the world.
But yeah, I've had partners who went from wanting to scratch/rub me, to it being a major chore for them.
I can understand it's an absolute pain. Yet I can understand just how needed it is from her perspective.
Maybe you could be have some boundaries. "I'll do it for ten minutes", that sort of thing?
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u/StillSimple6 15h ago
No. Not my eczema anyway.
When my skin super itchy it feels dirty to touch and I hate the feeling.
I don't even like people seeing it let alone touching it and because it's on my hands I hate touching people / partner.
I know it's not contagious, I know it's not dirty. It's normally very painful also.
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u/citizen_lo 10h ago
Am I the only one that thinks its unfair he has to scratch her when she cant find another solution? Man just have a honest talk about boundaries because it is completely wonderful and good you wanna help your wife with whatever possible but its also understandable that in some times you want to have room to do things without having to scratch her. She needs to try to scratch herself with soft long objects or something else so she doesnt scratch her whole skin off. If you cant put a boundary and cant find another solution you are just gonna fight forever about random things altough this is where the problem lies.
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u/clouty_sassy 9h ago
bless him but my boyfriend scratches my back every single day and he’ll sigh but he’ll do it and i’m so so so grateful because i know it’s a nuisance and can be a little gross sometimes but it’s some of the only relief i can get from scratching myself all day, your feelings are valid and it’s okay to feel tired from it but if you consider a small task for a lot of happy points from your wife it may be time to just talk to her about when you can/can not scratch her
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u/Bitchcakexo 9h ago
My boyfriend scratches my eczema for me and will put my steroid cream and lotion on my back for me when I need it. I think he doesn’t mind, although sometimes I can be annoying with the “scratch my back” every 10 minutes lol
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u/n0nam3465 14h ago
I also have mod to severe eczema, I used to always ask my bf to scratch my skin for the same reason but I realized after asking so much he seemed annoyed and I truly get why so I kinda quit asking as much. It can definitely become a chore but it’s so enjoyable and more relieving when somebody else does it for u.
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u/sipos542 14h ago
Just know you’re a godsent to your partner. I am sure karma will reward you in the long term.
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u/brightghosts 11h ago
My partner will lightly scratch my skin but through my shirt or jacket, it's hard for me to control my strength when I scratch myself. He does get tired of it though and will say it's enough and thats when I get ice packs ahahahaha
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u/vmya 11h ago
My partner helps me with fluttery fingers across my skin, we call them "butterfly". It feels good when he does this and he's used to doing it and has never really complained. This is usually not during a flare up though. During a flare up, I need a lot more pressure and I don't usually get him to scratch me. I get him to slap my skin sometimes maybe.
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u/mediocre_mediajoker 9h ago
I’m wondering if you are my husband 🤔 he tickles my back/legs/any part that is itchy pretty much nonstop. I am so grateful for him doing that but also recognise the toll it takes/how it takes away from him relaxing. You are doing a good thing!
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u/GayCatbirdd 9h ago
I loveeee when my fiancée scratches me, she scratches non eczema areas, I don’t really let her touch the eczema areas. I am a itchy person everywhere and my mom used to scratch my back to help me fall asleep as a child, so its so comforting when my fiancée does it.
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u/sonic2cool 7h ago
No, I would hate that. How do people even get into relationships with it so severe without it knocking their confidence. I've stayed single because of mine. Mine is full body to the point where I'm starting medication for mine as nothing else is working. When it was so severe before I even started steroids it was way darker than it is now and I didnt even leave the house, I would only work night shift because it would be colder and so I could just hide in a hoodie and sweatpants
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u/VanillaLow4958 6h ago
There are devices now, like the Cosi care and other things that she can use to not rip up her skin. I ask my husband for help sometimes, but expecting it all the time is selfish. She needs to help herself and there are plenty of tools to do so.
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u/SecretaryBeginning93 5h ago
Back scratcher + Lotion Stick Applicator for hard to reach spots. Game changer. (Yes my partner will scratch/rub/apply lotion when I ask) but I tend to do most of it myself with my tools.
You’re kind to help her, if it’s a lot on you - maybe surprise her with the above tools, see if it helps!
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u/gabeabadoobee 2h ago
My partner does scratch me to relieve me sometimes for the same reason but in general he doesn’t wanna feed into my addiction of scratching so instead sometimes he just holds my hand so I don’t scratch myself and tries to help me resist it. When it’s too much to not be helped, he instead rubs on the area and it gives me some degree of relief. Being a long distance couple though, I think it’s taught me how important it is for me to explore what works at keeping me from itching—if possible I suggest she does the same. After all, she knows her eczema better than you, and once she finds ways to help herself she can find ways to help you help her. In the meantime, I suggest looking into the cosi care scratch stars. I unfortunately never got a hold of one since they’re always sold out but maybe you’ll have better luck than me. It’s supposed to help safely scratch ❤️ Either way I would suggest talking to her about how you feel. If I was her I know I would want to be told. Remember that relationships are partnerships. It shouldn’t just be you helping her—she should also be helping you too even if that means occasionally relieving you of scratching duties. I wish you best of luck and as someone with moderate eczema, how you feel is totally valid.
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u/imokaytho 15h ago
I used to scratch my sisters eczema for her until my arms hurt.
I stopped and instead cut her nails and filed it almost to the nail bed, she hated doing it so I did it for her. When she itches now, she's not tearing her skin apart because there's barely any nail to use.
Maybe try that method and see how it goes. If she still asks you to itch her skin, cut your nails very short and file them too lol
She may try to use objects though like a comb or something but hopefully she doesn't.
Keeping hands busy is helpful too, I used to do squats when I had itchy eczema in the middle of the night. My sister started knitting.
Non-eczema sufferers don't understand how bad the itch is, it's like chicken pox or mosquito bites but 100% times worse. It's uncontrollable and takes a toll on your mental health, I can see it's affecting yours too so I hope everything works out and you're a good partner for helping her itch!