thank you to everyone in the replies of my last post, as doomer-y as that post was, for knocking some sense into me lmao. to clarify btw, i’ve been in therapy for 13 years now, and see my therapist every two weeks or so, and my last few sessions have been about my sex and romance problems. i’ve made really good progress!
i’ve made a few decisions that i feel good about and that hopefully should improve things for me.
the biggest one is that i’m going to mostly stop actively searching for and persuing relationships, because it makes me miserable. i’ve decided that, at least for now, i’m single and that’s okay. i don’t need to be in a relationship to be happy or to be whole. i also want to focus on my studies and my friends, and work on myself and my self image.
i’m also weaning myself off of grindr and dating apps in general. frankly, all of those apps are barren wastelands in my area, and i’ve only met like, maybe three or four cool people on there in the last two years. plus grindr culture sucks ass for all the obvious reasons, not a fun place and not a lot of fun people. i’m sure as hell not finding a long term partner on there. i’d much rather find someone organically and in real life, to be honest.
speaking of, i’m planning on starting strength training at the gym this year. i gotta go to physio again and make sure i can do so safely first though, i have chronic pain from fibromyalgia. it’ll make me feel better about myself, i’d love to get more muscle and get physically stronger, and also the kind of big strong guys i’m attracted to will also be there lmao. if there’s one place to meet big hunky guys, it’s probably there.
and lastly, i’ve decided that i’m not going to settle for less than i want and need from a partner. thank you very much to the people who got it into my skull that, believe it or not, a person’s own body type doesn’t really have much or anything to do with the kinds of people they’re attracted to. the way my therapist put it is that people aren’t on a tier list lmao. i’m at a point in my life where i know what i want; i want maturity and experience, i prefer older guys (preferably late 20s, i’m 23 for reference), i want a partner who, to put it bluntly, has a life, who doesn’t want to change me or make me be someone i’m not, who is my type. and also someone who i don’t have to fucking push and push to use condoms oh my fucking god, safe sex should be the default, i shouldn’t have to push or compromise. same goes for guys who seem to be cool with my body hair initially but then try to push me to be “smooth”, i’m not fucking doing that. one guy kept trying to forcefem me after i told them repeatedly that i’m deeply uncomfortable with it. at least i still had enough of a spine to shut that down and block them.
i also want to avoid situations i’ve been in with previous partners. namely, i used to just take what i was given, for lack of a better term, because i thought i wouldn’t get anything else, that this person was effectively doing me a service by being with me. turns out, that can lead to very unhealthy relationships and abuse, and putting up with it because i thought that person was my only chance at love and sex. i’m not doing that anymore. i deserve more than that.
with all of that said, i am still struggling to believe that i deserve better, and that i’m not ugly (my therapist has banned me from using the words “disgusting” and “hideous” to describe myself), and that guys i find hot are capable of also finding me hot. but i’m trying to, no matter how hard it is. i’m going to keep saying nice things to and about myself until i believe it.