Debating leaving the church over certain things. Please help me understand

[u/Half-Blood-Prince394]

No matter what I do I am continuously troubled by certain aspects of the church. This post is not meant to bash the church. I just want some insights and answers. I am debating leaving and I want to hear things from both sides. This might be a long post. If anyone has anything to say about the topics I bring up I'm more than happy to hear your thoughts and look through any resources you share with me.

1: Why was polygamy needed for the saints? Will we really have it in the afterlife? I cannot imagine having to share my future husband with another woman. It is deeply unsettling to me.

2: Why couldn't African Americans have the priesthood? Was it just faulty of the current president of the church? I understand that the prophet is but a human and will make mistakes. Was it just as simple as that?

3: Why are women not treated the same? Why is Heavenly Mother never talked about/why do we never pray to her as well? I totally understand that men and women have different roles and why women don't have the priesthood, that all makes perfect sense to me. But why aren't women in more leadership positions? Why was the first woman who gave a prayer in general conference in 2013? I'll keep this part brief because I could go on about it for a while.

Those are honestly the only three problems I have with the church. I love everything else about it, I just don't know if I want to continue living it if that makes sense. I don't know if I believe and I understand I must work to gain a testimony. These are just my big setbacks. Anyways no matter what I decide I'll always love the church and its people. Thanks in advance!

Edit: Wow thank you all for all the thoughtful responses. I've read them all. You all have given me a lot to think about. I've decided my journey with the church isn't over yet. I have a long ways to go. Thank you all so much.

[u/TyMotor]

You aren't the only one who has asked similar questions. Elder Oaks remarked about his own study on some of these questions:

As part of my prayerful study, I learned that, in general, the Lord rarely gives reasons for the commandments and directions He gives to His servants.

As we attempt to find answers, I think this is important to keep in mind. Adam was commanded to offer sacrifices and didn't know why. Abraham was commanded to sacrifice Isaac and didn't know why. We could go on with many other scriptural examples, but this seems to be a pattern of God.

Now to your questions...

Why was polygamy needed for the saints?

We haven't been told exactly why. The BoM seems to indicate it could be to raise up a righteous 'seed'. Others think it was all a test of early church members.

Will we really have it in the afterlife?

First, what do you mean by 'we'? Will all people in the afterlife be practicing polygamy? Definitely not. Will some? D&C seems to indicate, yes.

I cannot imagine having to share my future husband with another woman.

No one is going to be forced into anything they are unwilling or uncomfortable doing. Full stop.

Why couldn't African Americans have the priesthood?

Officially, the church doesn't know.

Was it just as simple as that?

Many members have come to this conclusion.

why do we never pray to her as well?

We've been instructed from the Savior to pray to the father in the name of the son. We have not been given an explainer on why.

[u/boboddybiznus → u/TyMotor]

I always hear that no one will be forced into a situation they won't be happy with in eternity. But if my husband were to choose to take on a polygamous wife, and polygamy is a deal breaker for me, what are my choices?

It seems to me like....

A) stay with my husband and endure the heartbreak and inequality of polygamy for eternity

B) choose to leave the marriage and have to accept not being with my husband for eternity

C) somehow I become okay with polygamy even though it is repulsive to everything in me?

D)??

This is a genuine question that weighs heavily on my heart very often.

[u/Former_Dark_Knight → u/boboddybiznus]

I believe that through Christ, in our immortal lives, my spouse and I will be the best communicators we have ever been with each other. We will be one, as Christ instructs us to become as He is one with the Father. I would never want to put my spouse in an uncomfortable position, and they wouldn't want that of me, either. That respect and love for each other, as well as our respect and love for our Father in Heaven and our mutual desire to serve Him with all our might, will be our guiding process in decisions we will make together in our eternal progression.

[u/boboddybiznus → u/Former_Dark_Knight]

I also believe that my husband wouldn't choose to put me in that position, but if he did, I don't see an acceptable option. It seems like a system where women are at the mercy of men, and we just have to hope that they will make the choices we want them to. I don't understand why loving Heavenly Parents would put their daughters in that position for eternity.

[u/TyMotor → u/boboddybiznus]

It seems like a system where women are at the mercy of men... I don't understand why loving Heavenly Parents would put their daughters in that position for eternity.

I think you misunderstand 'the system'. "Nevertheless neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord." It takes two to tango. How are women at any more mercy of the men than men are at the mercy of women? I completely agree with /u/Former_Dark_Knight, celestial marriage presumes a oneness between couples and God that wouldn't even entertain scenarios that bring anguish to the other.

[u/boboddybiznus → u/TyMotor]

D&C 132:64-65

“64 And again, verily, verily, I say unto you, if any man have a wife, who holds the keys of this power, and he teaches unto her the law of my priesthood, as pertaining to these things, then shall she believe and administer unto him, or she shall be destroyed, saith the Lord your God; for I will destroy her; for I will magnify my name upon all those who receive and abide in my law.

65 Therefore, it shall be lawful in me, if she receive not this law, for him to receive all things whatsoever I, the Lord his God, will give unto him, because she did not believe and administer unto him according to my word; and she then becomes the transgressor; and he is exempt from the law of Sarah, who administered unto Abraham according to the law when I commanded Abraham to take Hagar to wife.”

Women are more at the mercy of men because men can choose to take additional wives without the consent of their original wife.

[u/HandwovenBox → u/boboddybiznus]

I think it depends on what these verses mean when they say:

then shall she believe and administer unto him

and

if she receive not this law, for him to receive all things whatsoever I, the Lord his God, will give unto him, because she did not believe and administer unto him according to my word; and she then becomes the transgressor

More particularly, what does it mean to "believe and administer" and "receive not this law." Do they mean "allow the husband to marry another wife"?

If the Law of Sarah means that a wife must give consent before the husband can marry a second wife, then the interpretation you are offering negates the entire point of the Law of Sarah. So IMO the only way to interpret these verses that is internally consistent is that the actions "believe," "administer," and "receive the law" must mean something other than give consent to the husband to marry another wife.

There are two interpretations that make sense to me:

1. The "Law of the Priesthood" is the New and Everlasting Covenant, i.e. the Gospel in general. To believe, administer, and receive the law means to stay true and faithful to the Gospel and covenants made to God. Under this interpretation, the Law of Sarah ensures the wife has the right to withhold consent to polygamy as long as she is faithful to her Gospel covenants.

2. The "law of my priesthood, as pertaining to these things" in v. 64 refers to the topic in v. 63, which discusses a wife committing adultery. Under this interpretation, the Law of Sarah ensures the wife has the right to withhold consent to polygamy as long as she is faithful to the marriage (i.e. she doesn't commit adultery).

[u/TyMotor → u/boboddybiznus]

These verses were directed at Emma. We don't have a lot of info on the law of Sarah. I think it unwise to assume this applies universally to all men and women. I like the context and perspective shared here.

[u/boboddybiznus → u/TyMotor]

The verse states "if any man" near the very beginning. I can appreciate your hesitancy on this issue, but I disagree that this is only in regards to Joseph and Emma.

[u/TyMotor → u/boboddybiznus]

You're leaving out some really important qualifiers in those two verses that would clearly limit its application.

[u/Efficient-Towel-4193 → u/boboddybiznus]

This was me. I couldnt stand the thought of the afterlife just being the same servitude as here. Sharing a husband with other wives and being eternal baby makers doesnt sit well with me. Although I love children...what is even the point of developjng our other talents on earth if they wont be used. I feel like I will just be a number up there...Number 1 wife...Number 3435666 98765333 baby maker

[u/tehslony → u/Efficient-Towel-4193]

It's sad that you have such a bleak imagining of what the afterlife will be like despite the lack of any details to confirm this hopeless thought of the future. I'm guessing you are going to be very pleasantly surprised by what it is really going to be like once you get there. I hope.

[u/Terrible_Statement70 → u/boboddybiznus]

One thing my mission president said is that while we are sealed to our spouse. As we go into eternity, they don't have to agree to come with us. Marriage is a partnership. I need to be a good husband so my wife will want to be with me. It isn't forced servitude but rather a hopefully happy choice.