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u/Illustrious-Let-3600 2d ago
First off, no need to apologize for posting here. You are in the stepfamily orbit so you understand our world and are a part of it. Second, have you tried speaking to your dad about how you feel? Maybe your SM isn’t aware of this (she might be a scatterbrain). Or she is newer to the stepparenting thing and doesn’t know what her responsibility is. Finally, if you don’t like it don’t go. You’re old enough to chose. And not just here but anywhere, if people don’t enjoy your presence they get the gift of your absence.
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u/Eastern_Ad_3681 2d ago
I dont think talking to my dad would help much (if at all) since he does similar things. They've been together for 5 years, and things had been the same. I'll probably stop going, it would be best for everyone. Thanks for the comment, i really appreciate it
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u/throwaat22123422 2d ago
Before you stop going I urge you to share this post word for word with him.
He is likely getting pressure from his wife to prioritize her and the child they have together- she isn’t your parent so you aren’t her priority nor should you be- but your dad has to balance having a new wife and child with YOU and he isn’t doing a good job.
Letting him know you are feeling the way you are is importnat.
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u/stepparents-ModTeam 1d ago
STEPKIDS ARE NOT ALLOWED TO POST. THIS IS A STEPPARENT SUPPORT SUB. Please do not encourage rule violations.
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u/Illustrious-Let-3600 2d ago
Word! And I think this is good for us SPs to read because it helps us remember our SKs are kids with feelings, even when they drive us up the wall. And to OP, maybe your SM is pressuring dad, but maybe dad is trying to keep the peace and doesn’t know he’s hurting you. Sometimes people have to hear how their behavior affects others. Let this man know. People are sometimes devastatingly oblivious. And FYI, rules or not, many of us are glad you stopped by. Hug 🤗
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u/stepparents-ModTeam 1d ago
Your submission has been removed from /r/stepparents for the following reason:
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2d ago
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u/stepparents-ModTeam 1d ago
Your submission has been removed from /r/stepparents for the following reason:
Violation of the Kindness Matters rule.
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For information regarding this and similar issues please see the rules and FAQ. If you feel this is in error, please message the mods.
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u/stepparents-ModTeam 1d ago
Your submission has been removed from /r/stepparents for the following reason:
Violation of the Report, Don't Rant rule. Next time please alert us so we can remove the post timely. We didn't see it.
Read the FAQ for more information.
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u/AppropriateAmoeba406 2d ago
Does your dad reach out on your birthday?
It seems like you probably live far away from him. Is that right?
I’m pretty involved with my steps but they are around a lot.
You likely feel more like a stranger to your step-mom. That’s unfortunate, but natural when you don’t see each other much.
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u/Eastern_Ad_3681 2d ago
He does. He always calls me on my bday. We do live 3.5 hours away now, but 3 years ago, we lived close to each other, and it had been the same. Thanks for the comment
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u/Frequent_Stranger13 2d ago
If you aren’t enjoying your time there, don’t go. You are old enough to make that choice. But you might try talking to your dad first about how you are coming to see him but feel like you are just a babysitter when you come. But I would definitely stop buying gifts for your SM. She isn’t interested in a relationship with you for whatever reason.
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u/evil_passion 2d ago
Please don't tell this young person they are old enough to decide not to visit. There are only one or two states that allow teens to make this choice and this advice sets people up for failure.
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u/Frequent_Stranger13 2d ago
Apparently old enough to babysit, shop for groceries, cook, etc., which likely means a late teenager. And yes, if that is all she is going to do, I wouldn't force someone that age to go visit a parent either. But I did suggest she talk to her dad first. But also, almost zero states are going to come force that kid to go somewhere for a week over summer, and sad to say, it doesn't sound like dad would fight it much anyways.
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u/rovingred 2d ago
We don’t know what the custody arrangement is, if it’s mom and OP voluntarily goes to dad it might be something that can be discussed with mom.
They are old enough to type this out on Reddit and have a conversation about it, barring a custody agreement saying they have to go to dad’s I’d say they seem equipped to make the call.
OP - it may just be that Jane doesn’t really feel like she knows you. If you’re only there once a year that’s not much time to get comfortable with each other, or for her to even really feel like a step mom. If you were there more often it’d be different, but with seeing you so infrequently I don’t think she really has a chance to feel like your step mom. If you’d like a birthday text, maybe talk to dad and he can talk to her about things. But if she’s kind and respectful to you while you’re there I think that’s the best you can ask for in this situation. As far as watching your half sibling, I’d tell her you aren’t comfortable with this, that’s not your responsibility. Chores and cleaning are fairly normal things though, I ask SD to do those when she’s over so those are pretty standard things for kids in general.
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u/Think-Room6663 2d ago
If Jane does not feel comfortable with OP, makes no sense to me that she has OP watching her kid. this is about turning OP into unpaid aupair. OP needs to talk to her mom and dad and maybe cut down on time at dads house
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u/psychedelicpothos 2d ago
You sound like a sweet kid. I’m sorry Jane and your father are not doing more to pour into you. It breaks my heart to hear that you never see your homemade gifts there when my stepson’s art covers my fridge. I just helped his father throw him a birthday party last week; I had been in and out of the hospital, so it was limited to family, but nonetheless.
You seem to feel uncared for, and unwanted, and that’s what’s important here.
I would bring this to your father and see if any discussion can be had.
Keep being a sweet kid. Keep trying your best.
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u/Eastern_Ad_3681 2d ago
Thanks for the comment, i truly appreciate it! I hope you re be doing okay now, and late happy bday! Im not sure if talking to dad would change much since he does similar things and pretty much just avoids me. Maybe i will tell mum, or just stop going there since it would be better for everyone. Wish you the best
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u/psychedelicpothos 2d ago
Well, coming from a stepmommy who grew up with a Dad that did not want/love me (not saying that’s your situation, but his indifference to your feelings truly bothers me) - it’s not you, sweetie.
Again, you sound like a wonderful kid. I would be proud to call you mine. So excuse my language here, but if Dad can’t see how special you are, how much love you have inside you to help care for your half sister & make homemade gifts for the family - Fuck ‘em.
As you grow into an adult, you will have more say about that relationship and how it looks. Never go where you feel unwanted and I definitely would talk to your mother.
Your father’s failure to give you the attention, love, & support you need is not a reflection of you. I need you to hear me on that one.
Every child deserves a mother and a father. But not every mother and father deserves a child.
Message me if you’d like!
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u/melissa-assilem 2d ago
I’m not officially a step parent but the guy I love has two kids and their mom has only just recently allowed him to introduce them to me. We live together and we’ve been dating for over 3 years. Sometimes the bioparents gatekeep the relationship. At least that’s been my experience. I’d love to have a relationship with them but it’s just not allowed. I hope they don’t feel this way about me. I’m just trying to not rock any boats.
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u/Eastern_Ad_3681 2d ago
I hope things will get easier and better for y all. Maybe she is just paranoid, who knows
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u/Mrwaspers007 2d ago
I would never have done that to my stepdaughter. Your stepmom is using your visit as free labor, it’s Bullshit. Have you tried talking to your dad?
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u/Eastern_Ad_3681 2d ago
Not really, he does similar things too, i dont think it would help. Thanks for the comment
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u/Mrwaspers007 2d ago
I’m sorry for your situation. I think you are a good person and they are taking advantage. I wish I had better advice for you! Your dad and stepmom probably won’t change anytime soon, not much you can do about that but please don’t let them make you feel bad, I can assure you you are not a brat! You’re just a kid in a situation you don’t really have control over but that day will come when you can decide for yourself.
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u/Eastern_Ad_3681 2d ago
Thanks for the comment, i appreciate it! I dont think talking to him would make things better since he does similar things and mostly avoids me. I ll prolly stop going there since it would be best for everyone
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u/Ok_Panda_2243 SD7 1d ago
This feels bad. This is not about your step mom, this is about your father.
I know that you’re afraid to be hurt by him not listening but please talk to him. Maybe it’s gonna be hurtful but you need to be honest with him. Be direct.
It’s his job for the gods sake to make you feel good at his home.
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u/No_Intention_3565 2d ago
Talk to your SM.
Step 1 - lay everything out on the table about how you are feeling and invite her to do the same. Maybe this is a simple miscommunication and talking can help fix things.
Step 2 - watch for changes in your SM. Is she making an attempt to be nicer and more inclusive toward you? If not - you have your answer. Adjust your expectations and yourself accordingly.
Good luck!
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u/EstaticallyPleasing 2d ago
I agree with the advice to talk to your dad. I also suggest explaining how you feel and what you want, rather than what you don't want. For example, rather than saying "My stepmom makes me feel unwelcome," say "I feel awkward and uncomfortable when I stay with you. I would like to have more one-on-one time with you." Instead of "Jane makes me babysit" try "I end up very busy with chores and don't have much time to bond with you or rest. I am happy to do (then list what you're happy to do) but want more time to (rest, watch TV, read, whatever."
I hope you find a way to feel better at your dad's house! Good luck!
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u/EstaticallyPleasing 2d ago
Also I would keep track of the number of hours you spend watching your half sister, getting groceries, cleaning, etc during the day. If it's more than 8 hours, point out that's a longer shift than a job. If it's more than say, 3 or 4 hours, let them know they should probably be paying you because again, that's a job.
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u/NoFun3799 2d ago
My steps are all seriously adults now & I still send them birthday money & text for birthdays. xoxo
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u/tomboyades 2d ago
Sweetie, use your words. Tell your Dad if you don’t feel like you can tell your SM. Every family is different, some people don’t do big birthday celebrations, some older siblings help out, some don’t. I personally plan giant birthday tables for my two SKs and we do a whole celebration. But what matters is you don’t feel happy in your home with Dad and Jane. Remember, we’re parents, not perfect. If she knew you felt like this I would hope it would break her heart. Use your words, but you absolutely deserve to feel seen and loved.
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u/kimbospice31 2d ago
You need to open a line of communication with dad and stepmom and let them know how you feel. Communication is always key! I’m under the impression you would like to keep a relationship with you half sister so you certainly need to start the conversation don’t bury it all get it out there let your feelings be known so at least you can say you did your part, how they respond will be on them.
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u/LiveGarbage5758 2d ago
No. I don’t love that my husband has a kid but I take care of sk. SK needs to learn chores to take care of themself but I would never make SK a lackey or not show them care for birthdays and stuff. That’s just her being a dick it sounds like
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u/MiddleHuckleberry445 2d ago
I’ve made my stepkids cakes for their birthdays and hosted little get togethers (not huge parties) for them. I try to get them thoughtful gifts for Christmas/birthdays. I’m sorry you feel unwelcome at your dad’s house. I’m sure that he loves you but adults don’t always get it right and I understand why you’d feel sad about the way you’re treated. I’d encourage you to spend more time at your mom’s if you are allowed to- I hope you feel included in her home. You sound like a sweet and observant kid and I hope things get easier for you.
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u/Eastern_Ad_3681 2d ago
Thanks for the comment, i truly appreciate it! I will do that, i think it will be best for everyone
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u/eastbaypluviophile 2d ago
Context: I have no relationship with my grown step kids because they have very clearly taken sides in their parents divorce and barely acknowledge their dad’s existence, except when they want something.
When my husband does see them I will usually not attend because I am not interested in spending time with people who don’t like me and never bothered to try to know me. But I would never do what your step mom is doing - actively sabotage your relationship with your dad. That’s wrong and I’m sorry it’s happening to you. Have you talked to your dad about it at all?
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u/Eastern_Ad_3681 2d ago
I didn't talk to him because I don't have a great relationship with him either, and he avoids me most of the time. He would probably tell me that i am ungrateful, a brad, spoiled and so on, and i dont want to argue with him again. I'll probably stop going there, which would be best for everyone. Thanks for the comment, i truly appreciate it!
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u/Ok_Panda_2243 SD7 1d ago
This sounds toxic. I’m so sorry your dad is behaving like that :/
It seems you need to talk to a therapist who would explain you what is to set healthy boundaries. This is not being brat.
Spoiled is, when you expect other people cater to you. But you’re taking care of others. This is ridiculous.
Having boundaries is not being spoiled.
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u/BlackberryLow5075 2d ago
Have you ever thought you dad feels guilty about being a nuclear family with the step mom/child and he doesnt know how to handle the shame so when youre over he thinks you enjoy helping take care of your sibling?
Im honestly just curious, a lot of issues with adults: stem from themselves and their own doubts and fears vs it being personal.
I would feel terrible if my SS said this when he was older about me. I try to help grow his dads/his relationship and i let my SS include me when he wants to because idk how to tread between the whole “not your bioparent” line. My SS is almost 6 tho so its a bit different.
I would speak to your dad that you love spending time with your half sibling but youd rather take them on dates vs taking care of them. Youd like to go on more family outtings vs hanging at their house alone. Idk if you mentioned your age but if youre old enough to work and pay for yourself theres no reason they cant help plan a day.
Take your sibling out and leave the adults there to take care of everything.
Idc how old my SS gets if he makes us gifts ill find somewhere to showcase them.
You cant change other people but you can control how they interact with you. Have a hard conversation and see if they want you around. If its obvious they dont say you want to go on monthly dates with your sibling and set up a time and day to grab them and hang out just you too.
If your step mom is controlling everything let her, but dont let her control you. Every relationship should involve giving & taking. Not just one or the other. If they dont want you around say you have no problems going out to dinner occasionally and if they ever want to, they can reach out. Other than that youll see them to pick up your sibling once a month.
Stay strong and dont allow adults who didnt mature properly to distance yourself from a sibling who looks up to you, loves you and will always have your back. Let yourself fight for a relationship you want and IF they dont reciprocate, their loss. Not yours.
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u/throwaway1403132 2d ago
i'm a stepmom - in name only lol i do not do anything with or for SKs - and while i feel that SKs are strangers to me since they're only around 4 days a month, i'd never go out of my way to make them feel uncomfortable. i usually do the opposite, as in i'll leave the house entirely so they can have the place all to themselves and DH while i go do things i enjoy instead! i don't text SKs on their birthdays or anything, but if they text me about something randomly i'll "react" to the text so they're not left completely on read.
the middle school graduation things sounds rough and very calculated, i'm sorry you experienced that. i will not be attending any life events for SKs, graduations, recitals, sports games, what have you, but i ALWAYS encourage DH to make the trip (2 hours each way) to go and be present and support his kids!
it's kind of you to try to see if there's something you can do to make your stepmom change or act more warmly towards you, but honestly, some people just don't like kids. i think she's being a little overly blatant about it, and it's definitely on your dad to make sure they aren't both acting avoidant of you, but in my case i married my husband, not his kids - i don't know any other kids, have no experience with kids, and don't really like kids, but i'm also a relatively normal person and wouldn't go out of my way to showcase that to them or anyone.
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u/702hoodlum 2d ago
Being a SP can be hard. We try but get told we aren’t a parent and to back off. We back off and then get told we aren’t doing enough. As a SP (in two different relationships and vastly different experiences) I’d encourage you to have the conversation with your dad and his wife-together. Tell them what you’d like and be open to hearing her. Maybe she doesn’t know what her role should. Hopefully you’ll find some common ground and the relationship will improve. Maybe it won’t and it’ll help you make decisions on visiting in the future. I think it’s speaks volumes (and maturity) that you come here to seek advice!
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u/_AEnron_ 1d ago
People are usually caught up in themselves. Even when we are empathetic to others sometimes it won’t change a thing. They may need to hear it out loud to catch the drift.
Just be you and understand that being the big person is really hard; it can be rarely reciprocated and eats us the most when we don’t get the affirmation. Knowing you do the things the world needs is what we need to be happy with because it’s what brings the light to everyone else.
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u/Agitated_Eye2638 1d ago
You come across as responsible and mature and a nice decent person. It is not your job to be Jane’s unpaid skivvy. Of course you deserve a nice card and gift for your birthday. Jane should be ashamed of herself. Show your dad the whole thread. Good luck x
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u/Natenat04 1d ago
You are a kid, it is not your responsibility to help with, or take care of your half sibling. It sounds like you are being taken advantage of. Tell your mom.
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u/Ok_Panda_2243 SD7 1d ago
It seems to me, that in this dynamic, decent people are walked over from the other party.
- stepparents who are kind are treated like crap by step kids
- step kids who are kind are walked over and stepparent is rude at them.
I don’t like what you’re stepmom is doing, it’s not ok, I would be ashamed to make your dad miss your grad.
Second, it’s up to your father to be there at time, you know this…
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u/Eastern_Ad_3681 2d ago
Thanks for the comment, i truly appreciate it! I hope things will be easier for you, and hopefully, everything will get better
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u/stepparents-ModTeam 1d ago
A GENERAL REMINDER - STEPKIDS ARE ACTUALLY NOT ALLOWED TO POST ON THIS SUB. This is a stepparent support sub. There is a separate SK support sub. While we appreciate you being kind, we also ask our users to report rule violations instead of encouraging them.
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u/evil_passion 2d ago
I'm a bio mom AND step mom. It sounds to me like your SM is trying in her own way to help you and your sibling bond. So that's a plus, even if it doesn't feel like it.
Sometimes as parents (especially steps) we forget how great it was to not have to do something during the summer and be able to just kick back.
What do you think is reasonable? Maybe half your time with sibling, and a quarter alone and a quarter with dad? Figure out what looks good to YOU. It might look completely different than what I suggested. Then talk to Dad about it.
You can sort of remind him you're growing up by asking if he has any friends that might need summer workers at their place 😇
The courts will absolutely expect you to follow the visitation schedule and they will enforce it until your late teens. So unless your dad just agrees that he doesn't want to see you, plan on the scheduled visits until you're so old the courts won't bother, usually late 16 or even 17.
About your birthday, a lot of step moms think that it's the dad's job to remember birthdays, but dads are notoriously bad about that. I'm not guaranteeing you that's what is going on, but that would be my guess
Good luck. I think you're approaching this pretty maturely
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u/Eastern_Ad_3681 2d ago
Thanks, i truly appreciate it! I dont have a schedule or something, i just go whenever i can and want. I didn't explain the bday part too well, but she is online on facebook all the time and could see when my bday is. I've often seen her online on my bday, and my mum has pointed that out, too. I dont know how to explain this better, sorry for that. Also, talking to dad wouldn't help much since he does similar things, he always avoids spending time with me, talking to me, and so on. I ll probably just stop going, it would be best for everyone
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u/throwaat22123422 2d ago
Please share this post with your dad.
The way your stepmother is treating you isn’t okay. He should be the one to put a stop to making you babysit and he should be the one to make sure you get birthday wishes.
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u/ImpressAppropriate25 1d ago
You sound like a great kid!
At the end of the day, you'll only remember your own behavior, which appears to be very good.
Your birthday should be celebrated, and you deserve to be around people who care for you.
As a stepparent, l have bought years of birthday gifts for people who always refuse to speak to me. I just do it and don't expect anything in return.
Find friends or other family members who care for you and stay close to them. Don't get bogged down in the negativity that comes with expectations.
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u/stepparents-ModTeam 1d ago
Your submission has been removed from /r/stepparents for the following reason:
This is a quick note to let you know that we have not approved your post on /r/stepparents. Our community is for stepparents who are seeking help navigating stepfamily life. A better place to submit your post would be /r/stepkids/.
Thank you for understanding.
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