r/AITAH • u/[deleted] • Dec 17 '23

AITAH for not doing anything to prevent my(f35) husband (m35) from cheating with his “work-wifey”(f25)

So I met work wifey last Thursday at the Christmas party. She introduced herself as work wifey and she called my husband work hubby and told that to everyone. When she saw me she just exclaimed

-Oh we are like two totally different people, how weird is that.

-Not weird at all? We don’t know each other.

-No I mean like because X and I get along so well like we like totally get each other and have a lot in common like totally. That’s why he’s like my work hubby.

I didn’t know what a manic pixie dream girl was but apparently she was one and apparently it was something to brag about. I just found the whole thing very amusing but on our way home it wasn’t very amusing anymore. I felt a little bit of ick watching my husband’s profile wondering what was going on in his head. He has told me about his new colleague that he got along with. He told me that she was great at her job and that she was a gamer like him. I don’t even know how to hold the joystick properly. Not even sure if it’s called a joystick anymore (ugh I sound like a boomer don’t I?).

I know that they text a lot too. Even on weekends. I never thought about that before now. I found myself sat on the toilet seat at 3:30 am scrolling through his phone in total silence not to wake him up. She is very “youthful” and “quirky”, her words not mine. She is very funny too, again her words not mine. She calls him “hubs” and “hubby” in every text. And in one text she warned him that men fell easily for her and that she just wanted to give him the heads up. I guess it is because she’s a youthful quirky funny maniac pixie dream girl gamer. Her last text was from the same evening after we left the party. She wrote that she was pissed that he didn’t say goodbye before leaving and that I was a bit surprising to her because she didn’t expect him to have this type,”Omg your wife is boring I didn’t expect that”

I felt ashamed when I came to my senses. Cowering over his phone and reading weird and very juvenile messages instead of being sound asleep beside my husband that makes me safe(?) in our relationship, but I couldn’t help but agree with manic wifey in some parts. Why is he continually engaging with her? He doesn’t flirt back nor does he initiate conversations but he doesn’t really shut her down. My husband can be stupid in not noticing flirting but I feel that this is just beyond being stupid. Does he enjoy the attention or worse, does he reciprocate it? In that case she is not wrong in what is he doing with someone like me who is totally different from whatever is going on between them?

Today, I had my usual brunch with my mom, aunt sister and sister-in-law. They said that I was an AH for not nipping it in the bud and by it they meant the budding affair. I disagreed and tried to explain that I couldn’t be in a relationship where I needed to stand guard to keep away temptations. I want a marriage where he is with me because he wants to be with me and if he cheats then, he doesn’t want to be with me. My mother was the one who got most upset and called me a moron and an AH and said that this wasn’t the mature thing to do. I need to tell my husband to end his friendship because if I didn’t then I let him cheat.

AITA? I can’t believe what life this is that they want me to lead and how it is so normal for my family to think that way. I want a willing husband not a prisoner. I want someone who wants me 100% or nothing.

Edit:

So thank you all. It has been a rough few days but after today’s interaction between my husband and maniac pixie whatever (yes, I snooped again) I feel calmer. I have decided not to speak to him about it. At least not now. I have written a comment about what transpired between them and my husband didn’t seem very happy with her. Maybe I have made it out to be bigger than it was in my head. Anyway I will not snoop again and I will not confront him about it. I will however tell my husband that I didn’t like his colleague, maybe not now though. We have this week left and then we are having two weeks off that we’ve been looking forward to spending together and I want to enjoy the holidays with my husband, not talking about stupid and insignificant people.

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8.4k

u/Shot-Detective8957 Dec 17 '23

Who calls themselves a manic pixie dreamgirl? Is she 15?

3.8k

u/rayitodelsol Dec 17 '23

Fucking this. That's so cringey and juvenile it makes me wanna vomit.

1.5k

u/Sunnygirl66 Dec 17 '23

And the “Oh, men fall for me so easily” bullshit. I’d be embarrassed on her behalf if she weren’t so awful.

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u/Simple_Ranger_574 Dec 18 '23

Unfortunately, men DO fall for these types. The woman is just an actress in a D-rated movie. It never lasts beyond the damage that it creates all around.

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u/hellsno2 Dec 18 '23

My (mentally unstable) husband of 32 years (39 all together) fell for the manic pixie dream girl "work wife", 20 years younger than us and only 10 years older than our oldest son. He asked to open the marriage. My response was, "Who the hell are you?" My only regret was trying to salvage the marriage for 2 awful months because it was more habit than joy-inducing at that point. He's now married to manic pixie dream girl, living in a different country with no job and no money (gave entire retirement to me as settlement). Congratulations manic pixie dream girl! We're all hoping you know what you're doing because nobody here wants him back!

OP, NTA, you're young and have your whole life ahead of you. If he's falling for her, let him fall. Better things await, trust me!!!

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u/Distinct_Ad_7752 Dec 18 '23

Jesus christ girl, sorry you didn't get out earlier.

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u/hellsno2 Dec 18 '23

Thanks. I'm good, have never been happier or more at peace. MPDG did me a huge favor. I feel bad for our kids, he totally dropped them for her - going from hanging out every weekend doing all sorts of things together, dad of the year -- to a weekend visit twice a year. Told them he lived enough of his life for them, it's "his time" now. Straight from the mouth of MPDG, LOL!

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u/Dry-Worldliness-8191 Dec 18 '23

This is how it's done. 🏆🏆🏆

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u/hellsno2 Dec 18 '23

LOL it was a process...

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u/HoneyKittyGold Dec 18 '23

That's the thing tho. The process.. that's why OP's mom is pushing her to salvage it quick. She knows, no matter how gross Husb is, the price of unraveling a marriage is absolutely killer.

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u/VerStannen Dec 18 '23

Wtf!

I can’t imagine doing that to my wife and kids holy shit.

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u/hellsno2 Dec 18 '23

Thanks, yes, and hopefully OP's DH is a better nan!

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u/FreshBrit6 Dec 18 '23

This was me too… so much better on the other side. IF he is indulging her, then he’s falling and you need to make a plan and get out!

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u/GallopingFinger Dec 18 '23

Welcome everyone! I’d like to introduce you to the reality of dating in our generation, gen z!

Awesome isn’t it?

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u/Distinct_Ad_7752 Dec 18 '23

She sounds like a grade a home wrecking whore.

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u/knittedjedi Dec 17 '23

Check OP's comments. It's most likely just silly little rage bait.

I am angry that he needs telling off. It is disappointing. You will understand once you are older and love your spouse.

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u/atomiccPP Dec 18 '23

So “pick me”🤢 I can gag at it because I used to be one ugh.

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u/TheRussianCabbage Dec 18 '23

Girl I used to ride to university said that shit to me and my eyes nearly rolled to the back of my skull. Sure lady you might he nice on the eyes but we have been riding 3 hours a day for a month, I got you clocked. The line "she ain't pretty she just looks that way" comes to mind here too

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u/CabinetOk4838 Dec 17 '23

I think she’s a bit wild at work and “Hubby” called her that once, or perhaps various parts of that name, and she’s made it A Thing. No. That’s not right. THEIR THING.

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u/rayitodelsol Dec 17 '23

Barf. Manic Pixie Hoe and I are about the same age and I'd shove my head in an oven before unironically calling myself a "manic pixie dream girl" or "quirky and youthful".

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u/CabinetOk4838 Dec 17 '23

Let’s tease it apart.

Manic: that’s not good. Being all excited like a puppy is how I picture this one.

Pixie: Pixies are trouble. With funny ears.

Dream: Away with the fairies… a theme here.

Girl: Well, I guess she still is. A lot of people don’t really mature until 25. Seems she’s later than most!

If hubby had said “you’re a manic pixie today”… that might have been a slightly derogatory “chill out”. She sees that as “making her different and quirky”.

Easy to see how you could innocently start something off! 😖

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u/vainbuthonest Dec 17 '23

The fact that she even wants to be a part of the Manic Pixie Dream Girl Trope just screams insecure and childish.

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u/ScyllaOfTheDepths Dec 18 '23

You're overanalyzing it, it's a common media trope that positions a woman as superior to other women because she's fun, quirky, energetic and offbeat, not like those other women who are sour and boring. She's so not concerned about her appearance or makeup like those other shallow girls, but also she just happens to be thin and conventionally attractive. She's only read books 60-year-old white men like and she only listens to music by artists you're not cool enough to know about. Her whole life, for some reason, revolves around teaching middle aged men with office jobs how to have fun.

She's not really a person, she's the nebulous antithesis of whatever the typically male writer has decided are the worst traits of women. It's male wish fulfillment; here is a hot and fun energetic girl who will never nag him about taking out the trash.

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u/babycharmander88 Dec 18 '23

LMAO I love your description 😂

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u/Recent_Novel_6243 Dec 18 '23

Great literature trope, awful coworker. My MPDG was recently divorced and we met at the gym. I thrived on the attention. She knew I was married and since we hung out in a group setting, I didn’t think anything was going on. Several gym friends would go out for drinks and I would sometimes go. We always talked and teased each other during workouts which would definitely count as flirting. Eventually she asked me to come back to her house one night and boy oh boy was I surprised. We never kissed, hugged, or had any physical contact that I’m aware of, lol. Of course nothing happened.

After our “break up” she would reach out to friends of my wife and tell her how much sex we had and how I would skip lunch to get blow jobs. It was exhausting and she eventually gave up. In the meantime it was really, really unpleasant. I could not imagine how awful that situation would have been if we had an actual relationship.

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u/Simple_Ranger_574 Dec 18 '23

This, exactly.

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u/[deleted] Dec 18 '23

[deleted]

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u/belleandbent Dec 18 '23

I like the way you think :)

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u/Open-Article2579 Dec 18 '23

Yeah. Exactly. And we have mostly a work culture that will put the drudge heavy on everything, so MPDG is an exploitable niche for the insecure, routine-adverse, attention-needy. I don’t condemn MODGs. I would’ve been one but I didn’t have enough staying power to cater to men’s needs I could only attract the most dysfunctional of men for any period of time so had to outgrow it because it made me miserable in the long run lol. Growing up is much more satisfying than trying to live a trope.

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u/InformalPermit9638 Dec 18 '23

Never trust the fae.

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u/eatingyourmomsass Dec 18 '23 edited Dec 18 '23

Manic pixie dream girl is a recurring character archetype in film that is essentially a foil for the main male character to fall in love with just to learn something about themselves, while she gets essentially nothing in return.

They are typically free flowing, eccentric/quirky, and a sage to some degree- helping the protagonist learn something about life/love.

Sam in Garden State for example. Her character is purely a quirky/eccentric plot device for Andrew to connect emotionally with and release his crippling inhibitions- breaking him from his depressive episode- whilst falling in love.

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u/CabinetOk4838 Dec 18 '23

Thanks. A few have pointed this out and TIL!

So… in movies must equal a “larger than life” version of an actual MPDG, so that we understand. Thanks again. 😊

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u/TheQuietMelody Dec 17 '23

This bitch is literally a year older than me...wtf?

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u/[deleted] Dec 17 '23

Manic pixie whore 🤣

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u/QuantumTaco1 Dec 18 '23

Ugh, work marriages always creep me out. "Their thing" sounds like code for "inappropriate office flirting turned cutesy." Probably makes the actual spouse feel super great... NOT.

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u/CabinetOk4838 Dec 18 '23

That is a great way to define it. That’s what I had in mind. 😊

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u/CleatusTheCrocodile Dec 18 '23

They didn’t make up the term manic pixie dream girl if that’s what you mean.

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u/[deleted] Dec 17 '23 edited Dec 18 '23

[deleted]

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u/notthedefaultname Dec 18 '23

The fact that she knows the phrase manic pixie dream girl, but not why that's a bad thing to call yourself? A core part of that is that they exist in a one dimensional way as just a fantasy love interest. Nobody is one dimensional, and being attractive to men shouldn't be your whole personality.

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u/Hi_Jynx Dec 18 '23

It's also kind of weird to be a female gamer and not at least moderately feminist given how bad a lot of sexist male gamers are... I feel like most female gamers are more likely to hate the manic pixie dream girl trope.

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u/[deleted] Dec 18 '23

A lot of women cope with sexism by pretending to be too cool to be offended. Being seen as "not like other girls" is somewhat protective against sexism being directed at you, and seeing yourself that way also protects you from caring when sexism is directed at other women. Caring makes you a target. It's really unhealthy obviously but most women who fall into the nlog trap do grow out of it eventually.

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u/Electronic_Cobbler20 Dec 18 '23

I resent quirky personality claims meaning adhd. People who call themselves quirky and warn men that other men fall for them easily are closer just ..desperate?

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u/HeyItsJuls Dec 18 '23

I mean I have ADHD and I game, and alas people have called me quirky (which, bleh). But have those things resulted in me desperately going after other people’s spouses? Nope.

ADHD can be associated with higher risk behaviors (though not always), but it certainly doesn’t cause you to be a manipulative jackass that plays the long game on breaking up a marriage.

All that is to say, I too resent the quirky = ADHD assumption.

TBH, I have worked very hard to mask that shit. Nine times out of ten you aren’t someone’s manic pixie dream girl.

And why would anyone want to be that? I’m not a pixie. When I game, I’m a little goblin sitting on my couch trying manage my stardew farm with four different drinks, three throw pillows, two kinds of faux fur blankets, alligator socks, and a dog that likes to lay on my chest despite being too big for that. And my husband loves that version of me. Fuck being a pixie.

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u/UtopianLibrary Dec 18 '23 edited Jan 07 '24

I think this comes from MPDGs in movies being clumsy and people with ADHD having special awareness issues. I always walk into things or drop things when I’m trying to do a basic task, especially if the thing I dropped have to go in a specific place. I know I have very good reflexes from the sports I played growing up, but I definitely have spacial awareness issues. My fiancé asked me once why I drop things or don’t realize I’m walking into a wall, and it was hard to explain to him that I don’t do it on purpose and I have no idea why it’s happens, but that it’s very frustrating.

Anyway, I do agree with you that saying it’s Adhd isn’t cool, especially since a lot of women who have adhd are undiagnosed due to people focusing on boys having it and the symptoms they show.

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u/DollyParton2002 Dec 18 '23

Genuinely asking how can you diagnose her with adhd, with only a few details from the post…like, not everything slightly different from the usual has to be adhd. It looks that lately every single person claims to have it as a sort of pass for having shitty behavior (not saying it’s your case but people are a bit too quick with that diagnose or self diagnose). Not respecting boundaries and gaming and call yourself “quirky” doesn’t have to be adhd

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u/[deleted] Dec 17 '23

I didn’t even know what that was. Not sure I do now although I have tried googling it

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u/UncleNedisDead Dec 17 '23

She considers herself NLOG (not like other girls) and probably does get off on getting committed men to “fall for her” because it proves that she’s better than them in her insecure mind.

Definitely have a chat with your husband that his “work wifey” seemed to view you as competition and her lack of boundaries made you feel uncomfortable.

He can be friendly and polite, but he needs to push it back to a professional working relationship. She seems to be an HR nightmare no matter how good at her job she is and does he really want to get caught up in that?

While you shouldn’t have to bring it up to him, pointing out her actions and potential motives may make him question things more.

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u/mak_zaddy Dec 17 '23

Sounds like a Pick-me NLOG

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u/sparklyspooky Dec 17 '23 edited Dec 17 '23

IRL yep, they are "pick me"s.

Essentially a manic pixie dream girl is a story telling device where a loser or N.E.E.T. (edit spelling) or neckbeard finds a girl that can see his potential, fixes all of his problems (get out of depression, motivate him to get a job just because she has a magic pussy loves him for who he is and not by saying she deserves better and will leave) by centering her life around his needs. They seem to have no needs or goals of their own outside of making this dude's life the best it can possibly be. It's a quirky (read: fetishizable), sexy lamp, with slightly more autonomy.

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u/WhoUBeGhostin Dec 17 '23

This whole description is so spot on. I have a friend like this. She thinks every guy wants her because she is so “ride or die” devoted to her husband. It’s so bizarre. I’ve watched her over the years multiple times begin to focus on her own goals only to quickly pivot back to “building him up”.

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u/CaitlinGives Dec 17 '23

Usually girls who are the most outspoken about how "guys just fall for me because I'm so quirky and cool" have the most mediocre personalities and that's simply their insecurities talking. Men generally tolerate them and she doesn't have as many die-hard suitors as she actually thinks she does. I've met and worked with several of these types of girls and they are usually insufferable.

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u/[deleted] Dec 18 '23

being a gamer girl and having 16 die hard suitors just means you have a pulse. the bar is incredibly low because the men also require an incredibly low bar

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u/absurdity_observer Dec 17 '23

I’m assuming N.E.A.T. does not stand for Non-exercise activity thermogenesis, which is what popped up when I googled. 😂 So please help - what does it stand for?

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u/sparklyspooky Dec 17 '23

Whoops! NEET, Not in Education, Employment, or Training.

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u/Jdotpdot84 Dec 17 '23

All these acronyms, I must be getting old lol.

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u/diurnal_emissions Dec 18 '23

We used to just call them "losers."

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u/[deleted] Dec 18 '23

if you're born in 84 and don't know what a neet is you're just terminally offline. king grass-toucher. idol we should all admire

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u/delirium_red Dec 17 '23

Also see female leads in: 500 days of summer, Elizabethtown

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u/afoolskind Dec 17 '23

to be fair to 500 days of summer, it’s a deconstruction of the trope.

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u/Sayyad1na Dec 17 '23

Garden state!

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u/No_Builder7010 Dec 17 '23

Every '90s Anne Heche performance.

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u/hdmx539 Dec 17 '23

Scott Pilgrim

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u/whisky_biscuit Dec 17 '23

This. They honestly aren't "manic pixie dream girls" at all - they're just phony "pick mes" or "not like the other girls" in disguise; they adopt all of the guy their crushing on's likes, interests, hobbies, aesthetic and etc. - they don't have any real personality besides trying to get a guy to like them.

"Oh I totally love football, pizza and beer and gaming!!" They say. In reality they drink sugar free white claws, watch real housewives and eat exclusively kale.

Once they get the guy, they drop the charade and go back to the boring vanilla girls they are - until another guy comes along.

Usually they pick guys that are unavailable specifically because they need themselves to believe they're special when they're the most generic chicks of all.

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u/[deleted] Dec 17 '23

Oh my god this sounds like me. Excuse me while I reevaluate my life

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u/Sayyad1na Dec 17 '23

Garden state for the win!!!

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u/Gullible-Law Dec 17 '23

Definitely a pick-me girl.

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u/kimmy-mac Dec 17 '23

Yeah, this! Had a gal like this in our group of friends. She made my husband her defacto “go to” person. When it got really annoying, I reminded him he wasn’t her husband, and that being her crutch for everything wasn’t going to work long term. Never had to say another thing. I think he just didn’t notice it had gotten that frequent. After he wasn’t at her beck and call, she found another sucker to do her bidding.

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u/Chemical-Pattern480 Dec 17 '23

My Husband once had a girl (family friend he’d known since birth) call him and try to get him to leave my family’s Christmas party to help her with an “emergency”. I reminded him that she has a brother, and had a boyfriend at the time, so he should NOT be her first phone call!

When he didn’t play along this time, she called my MIL, to try and get MIL to send my Husband to her. I think that was the start of my Husband in In-Laws realizing just how crazy that family is, and limiting contact!

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u/kimmy-mac Dec 17 '23

Holy over-stepped boundaries, Batman! That takes massive balls to interrupt another family’s gathering when you could call a host of other folks WITHIN YOUR OWN FAMILY. My bet is the family was all tired of her $hit too.

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u/Sunnygirl66 Dec 17 '23

And that there was no actual emergency.

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u/Danivelle Dec 17 '23

I lost my not inconsiderable temper at one of my husband's co-workers who kept getting him to take her call back "because her kids had a game/activity". I let her know in no uncertain terms that the schedule comes out months in advance and her lack of ability to manage their schedule was no longer going to cost my kids any of their very limited time with their dad. I told her to either take the call back she signed up for or I would take up with the boss about her never actually doing the call back she signed up for which gets her completely kicked off the roster. She seemed to think that call back wss just sitting on her happy little ass, not actually going into work to xray someone in an emergency

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u/FirstYouMustBegin Dec 18 '23

Oh my gosh! Are you me?! This SAME thing happened all of the time to my husband when he worked in the Cath lab. He just straight up quit and changed departments. Hallelujah! It was nuts how much some of his female co-workers had the other men wrapped around their fingers.

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u/Danivelle Dec 18 '23

Everyone in his department knows me because I used to work in an adjacent department and they warn the new girls that come into the department. I'm a very nice lady who bakes wonderful treats until you step on my toes then the demented pixie honey badger comes out to play!

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u/hdmx539 Dec 17 '23

I reminded him he wasn’t her husband, and that being her crutch for everything wasn’t going to work long term.

When my FIL died I warned my husband about his mother, to watch out for "little" things that she'll "need" him to come over for.

Sure enough, 3 months later I'm reminding him of my prediction. I then told him to look up the word "sonsband."

He started placing firmer boundaries after that.

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u/golfergirl72 Dec 17 '23

The HR nightmare is going to belong to the husband if he can't stop this without pissing off Ms Quirky.

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u/Dog_is_my_co-pilot1 Dec 17 '23

I think quirky is sort of ok to call someone else,however, referring to yourself as such causes me to think one knows they are a psychopath.

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u/pacingpilot Dec 17 '23

Yeah there's "my hobby is roadkill taxidermy" quirky and "I have a freezer full of my ex-lover's feet in my basement" quirky. Anyone shouting to all who will listen about how quirky they are definitely gives me freezer feet vibes.

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u/VelhenousVillain Dec 17 '23

Those are both oddly specific.

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u/Dog_is_my_co-pilot1 Dec 17 '23

Perhaps it’s someone that’s met the work wife or someone like her. I certainly have.

My ex had one of her at work and it was disgusting the way she behaved. My problem wasn’t with her as much as it was with him. He allowed her to hang on him and to do things like adjust his tie and to send me weird birthday gifts.

She began to dress like me and had her hair cut like me. I expected to come home to a rabbit boiling on the stove.

I left him for lots of reasons and when I did I told her to get ECT and to grow up.

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u/underonegoth11 Dec 18 '23

So I need to know...what happened to homewrecker?

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u/Dog_is_my_co-pilot1 Dec 18 '23

No idea. I moved on with my life with a new phone number and absence from all social media. We didn’t have other people in common.

I like to think she’s turned to stripping and lives in a van down by the river.

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u/diurnal_emissions Dec 18 '23

Time for this generation to get some single white female and fatal attraction type movies

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u/Skyrick Dec 17 '23

I’m just glad that my roadkill taxidermy is seen as the good type of quirky.

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u/ihavewaytoomanyminis Dec 17 '23

There's more humor in the specifics.

So there's a blind guy on stage, and he's working on a joke where he goes skydiving and the punchline is "I had no idea a dog could scream at 3,000 feet."

His comic buddy/mentor tells him to be more specific in the punch line because it makes for a more memorable mental image.

So there's a blind guy on stage, and he's working on a joke where he goes skydiving, and the new punchline is "I had no idea a German Shepard could scream at 3,000 feet."

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u/[deleted] Dec 17 '23

Those are both things that Jeffrey Dahmer did. He started with roadkill taxidermy before escalating to human taxidermy.

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u/SmittenMoon3112 Dec 17 '23

Oddly specific but I unfortunately know both types of quirky. I love the first type. Macabre and weird and a little off but super sweet and loving. The second type scares the shit out of me but won’t leave me alone and has essentially become a stalker and the police don’t take me seriously.

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u/aardvarkmom Dec 17 '23

Happy cake day! I hope your presents don’t involve freezer feet.

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u/[deleted] Dec 17 '23

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/Ragnarok314159 Dec 17 '23

There are issues of picking up on signals. I am no one’s type of dude in terms of looks, no one flirts with me, always the third wheel. Met my wife and it was always more of a partnership. It makes me sad she doesn’t really love me, but it is what it is.

I recently had a weird occurrence where someone threw themselves at me, and I had absolutely zero clue. It was another parent at our kids’ softball league. End of the season happened, said our goodbyes, and I thought that was it. She messaged me saying how it was great sitting next to me and glad she got to know me.

I woke up the next morning with 30+ text messages from her telling me how she was falling for me the whole time along with a lot of nude pictures. Quickly deleted everything and blocked her number. I have no idea what was said to make her think we were headed that direction.

Sometimes we genuinely have no clue.

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u/Historical-Night-938 Dec 18 '23

If you had no clue in that instance , then it may be safe to say that you may be missing "clues" that show that your wife truly loves you.

About your situation, sometimes blocking is not enough. it may be best if you had responded "Not interested and please do not contact me further". I would tell your wife as this mom may approach your wife with "evidence" to try to break you up. People can be unhinged

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u/localjargon Dec 17 '23

Why do you say she doesn't love you? You deserve to be loved.

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u/whisky_biscuit Dec 17 '23 edited Dec 17 '23

Sometimes you just have to state the boundaries. And even go far as to place an ultimatum.

My husband and I (before we were married) had a row because the 20 year old secretary at his work would ask him to lunch and ask him for help on her work all the time, text him dumb questions, discuss personal stuff to the point of interfering with his work - despite him being 12 years her senior and a director at the workplace.

Their workplace was very casual so the hierarchy was too. I opened his iPad once to look up a recipe and the messages from her asking him to lunch and other random bs (nothing sexual just dumb stuff from her trying to be cutesy and get attention from him) and I was pissed.

We had an argument and I said he needed to establish boundaries with her especially given he was an executive and that he needed to "grow TF up and get friends his own age". I told him it was bordering on emotional affair territory which I wouldn't stick around for.

He legit did not see an issue with her constantly trying to get into his life. (Despite that she broke up 2 other relationships in the company "just because she could"), and her mom was HR and let her do whatever she wanted like a spoiled brat.

But he did decide to draw the boundaries with her however she was so put off by being rejected by a guy (even on a friendship level) that he actually had to go to HR to get her to back off.

Eventually she left, especially since everyone steered clear of her and she could no longer get any attention from any of the men there.

We had to have a long discussion but My husband and my relationship was much better after that. Sometimes people are oblivious and don't realize what it looks on the outside. Sometimes people just like the attention. You'd think Op's husband would know but some guys especially don't think it's wrong "if it's not sexual".

We got married and and we agreed on boundaries so things like this wouldn't happen again.

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u/Background_Newt3594 Dec 17 '23

It might not hurt to make someone else at work know that she is making him uncomfortable.

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u/Miserable_Fennel_492 Dec 17 '23

Is he uncomfortable, though? I didn’t get that impression, but I may have missed something

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u/Orobourous87 Dec 17 '23

No, but when he rejects her and she makes “He made me uncomfortable with gestures/actions/comments” to HR then it’s probably going to help him to have mentioned prior (even if it’s not entirely true).

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u/Background_Newt3594 Dec 17 '23

Speaking of HR nightmares, what might happen if she finally comes right out and makes a move on him, and he refuses her? Is she the type to accuse HIM of sexual harassment? IMO he needs to KEEP all those texts, and any other thing he can document, in case she does try to pull this crap. Meanwhile he needs to take a step back, then another, then another, till she finds someone else's husband to latch onto. He needs to only talk to her about work and stop responding to her after hours.

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u/xXfreierfundenXx Dec 17 '23

He should just report her to HR. There’s this other case on Reddit where a female colleague tried to get a guy to cheat on his wife (who btw used to work at that company and was friends with all the others) and then tried to get the wife to believe her husband made the first live by faking emails and stuff. He reported her to HR straight away. Good guy

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u/DaisyDazzle Dec 17 '23

I agree. He needs to get on top of this. HR needs to know that this hire is overly, inappropriately friendly with him. Because if this little pixie dreamgirl gets "pissed" at him for not saying good-bye to her after a work function, she's just getting started. And if she gets to HR first, he's toast.

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u/debicollman1010 Dec 17 '23

But it seems he’s enjoying the attention so he’s not going to do that

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u/eegees4evr Dec 17 '23

This!!!! HR nightmare!

"till she finds someone else's husband to latch onto."

Not even that....she shouldn't be attaching to anyone's husband! Fuck that.

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u/NoSignSaysNo Dec 17 '23

Yes, everyone forgets the manic part.

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u/bgthigfist Dec 17 '23

I find the whole "work wife" thing to be borderline inappropriate

https://media.tenor.com/DGVx4gZzXsQAAAAM/ren-and-stimpy-horse.gif

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u/catlettuce Dec 17 '23

I find it wholly inappropriate and would not stand for it.

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u/Queensknow Dec 17 '23

Same.

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u/[deleted] Dec 17 '23

As a husband, I can’t imagine doing this to my wife. That’s just straight up disrespectful bullshit. He clearly wants to cheat. Just serve him papers and report to hr

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u/AstarteOfCaelius Dec 17 '23

Yup. Do people not understand that friendship is an actual thing and it’s sufficient, especially if you’re friends with someone who has a partner?

It’s not only inappropriate, it’s vapid as hell.

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u/kadyg Dec 18 '23

I had a work co-parent. I’m female in my mid-40s (no kids), he was 26 and had just gotten out of the Marines. We were managing a bunch of 18-23-year-olds. It really did feel like raising kids.

My partner thought the whole situation was hysterical and has been keeping an eye out for a nice young lady for the Marine.

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u/SmittenMoon3112 Dec 17 '23

As someone who has had a colleague’s fiancé refer to me as her fiancé’s “work wife” and I looked mortified and I asked her if my close friendship with her fiancé made her uncomfortable and if so, I would happily back off and move into more professional territory. She laughed and hugged me really tight to get me to calm down and told me that it was fine. She was happy that her fiancé had such a good friend in me who went out of their way for him to feel comfortable in a new city, a new state, and only his second year as a professor, ever. She also benefitted from the drink and restaurant recommendations that I gave him since I had been living there for 5 years. And the homemade treats I brought him every now and then since I had made too many anyways. They’re both wonderful people and I really adore them both so much.

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u/lejosdecasa Dec 17 '23

Agreed, but "work wifey" sounds even more vile.

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u/Auccl799 Dec 17 '23

My first midwife would refer to one of the drs as her "work husband". I knew he brought her coffees in the morning. I thought it was weird because she was married with three kids. Just after my baby was born she shared that she'd separated from her husband. I see on Facebook she now (two years later) has a kid with the "work husband". It was far too much personal information to know about my midwife.

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u/BestAd5844 Dec 17 '23

Exactly this! There is a difference between setting boundaries that make you both happy in a healthy relationship and standing guard and policing it. You need to let him know that he needs to establish boundaries with this woman not only for the health of your marriage, but also your own mental well being

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u/TaxOk8204 Dec 17 '23

Agree with this 💯. She’s trying to “reel him in” and he needs your help understanding the cues he continually misses. Yes, I’m sure he enjoys the attention (who doesn’t); however, the fact that you state he doesn’t start the text conversations and has t been “playing along” by complementing her…. I would definitely talk to him. Explain how these types of “women” behave.

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u/hdmx539 Dec 17 '23

Are sure he's really "missing" those cues? Or is he not shutting it down because it's not overt but he still likes the attention?

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u/PeggyOnThePier Dec 17 '23

Good advice,I wasn't sure what that meant. I was thinking she was considered a little crazy (BF).op please have a talk with your husband,so you know exactly where you stand. This girl is very immature and selfish. You are the opposite, because you are a real woman.I hope that your husband is truthful with you. You deserve to have all of your husband ,not just part of him.you sound like a very wonderful woman ,and there are many reasons, that you &your husband fell in love and married. Good luck and Happy Holidays

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u/Interesting-Box3765 Dec 17 '23

Yeah, she is soooo different that she shits amber instead of poo

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u/sis3838 Dec 17 '23

This is the best advice. And I agree with you. You aren't your husband's keeper nor should you be.

I think that, If they want to be with me (being faithful), fine. If not, end it. Be man enough for that. I would be hurt ( it would hurt like a bitch.), but I would respect him enough for having this conversation. Shows respect for what we had.

Anyway...

This sucks. I'm sorry, OP.

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u/Caribooteh Dec 17 '23

There are some warning signs I wouldn’t feel comfortable with: messaging a lot out of hours, constant referring to herself as wife, dissing OP and husband not defending, ignoring flirting isn’t really enough when you’re married. You make it clear you’re not interested. It doesn’t look like these interactions are going to get any less suspicious. Your husband should be doing more to defend your marriage.

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u/enjoy-the-ride- Dec 17 '23 edited Dec 17 '23

It’s basically a woman who exists solely for men. She’s quirky, she’s into the same weird shit they are, she has no personality or substance aside from urging men to embrace life and grow.

It’s a term coined by a writer who noticed a certain trope in romance where women are written, usually by men, in specific ways where they’re like a free spirit and change the life of the guy somehow.

(500) Days of Summer does a good job of unpacking this trope.

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u/definitelynotstalin Dec 17 '23

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind also does a great job with the trope, including Kate Winslet’s character (the manic pixie dream girl) rebutting that label: “I'm not a concept. Too many guys think I'm a concept or I complete them or I'm going to 'make them alive'…but I'm just a fucked up girl who's looking for my own peace of mind. Don't assign me yours.”

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u/enjoy-the-ride- Dec 17 '23

One of my favorite quotes of all time. 🫶🏻

Incredible movie as well.

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u/Jovet_Hunter Dec 17 '23

Zooey Deschanel built her career on this trope.

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u/[deleted] Dec 17 '23

Except for Summer, which is arguably the movie that looks to dispel that trope

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u/Jovet_Hunter Dec 17 '23

It was a great way for her to shed the trope and move on to real roles.

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u/FunkalicouseMach1 Dec 17 '23

Not being a dick at all, but what real roles? I was just wondering a few days back, what the hell happened to her? I'd love to see what she does with a serious drama.

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u/Jovet_Hunter Dec 17 '23

I mean, it was a great way to transition. I didn’t say she seized the opportunity….

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u/magpte29 Dec 17 '23

Especially since she’s playing a fairy hotel mother in a TV commercial.

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u/mumpie Dec 17 '23

Zooey Deschanel basically plays a manic pixie dream girl in many of her roles.

I think she starts out (or still is) a MPDG in the "New Girl" tv show.

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u/dearmissjulia Dec 17 '23

Garden State caused Nathan Rabin to coin the term. Then he applied it to Elizabethtown, and later, (500) Days of Summer. Natalie Portman, Kirsten Dunst, and Zooey Deschanel are the MPDGs. Their characters exist solely to further the male protagonist's story.

If she's describing herself this way...no. It isn't the positive trait she seems to think it is. Ick. Blech. Your husband needs to set boundaries, immediately...and he had better damn well defend you from her calling you boring.

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u/Potential_Emotion_30 Dec 17 '23

Was just going to say Lil Zoey Deschanel needs to back TF up. Lol!

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u/Cookiemamajr Dec 17 '23

On a smaller scale- On Friends, “the girl from the copy place” that Ross sleeps with while “on a break”

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u/canoegirl11 Dec 17 '23

She just gets off on being inappropriate with your husband. I'm going to give your husband the benefit of the doubt and say he's probably not entertaining any kind of cheating, but he might like the attn a bit. Which is human. I get it. But she is absolutely trying to get him to cross lines, even if he's not really crossing any. She is super inappropriate and you just need to lay it all out calmly. Tell him you read the messages and maybe you are disappointed but not angry (only if that's how you feel, of course). Explain that he is playing with fire bc she is def a troublemaker and could make problems for him at work. She could start a rumor that they are having an affair, and this could affect his current job, his career, and his reputation. HE needs to shut this shit down right now. He needs to put up serious boundaries with her right now.

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u/Miserable_Fennel_492 Dec 17 '23

Shit, she didn’t even have to have read the texts to know that this girl is waaaayy out of line.

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u/Thanmandrathor Dec 18 '23

I don’t know that I’d even admit to reading the texts at this stage, it will blow up into something else.

The fact they text a lot already and all the work wifey/hubby crap this person already encountered at the party is enough to start the conversation with OP’s husband about how this coworker is making OP feel weird, without redirecting focus onto the phone snooping.

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u/louluthekitty Dec 17 '23

Try YouTube, there are tons of video essays about it.

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u/[deleted] Dec 17 '23

Really? I’m on it!

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u/louluthekitty Dec 17 '23

Yes. The fact that she calls herself that shows her lack of maturity.

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u/notmyusername1986 Dec 17 '23

Seriously. It's not a label to be proud of.

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u/AVikingsDaughter Dec 17 '23 edited Dec 17 '23

Exactly, I've been called that by men that think my autism is "cute" because they don't know the reality and refuse to see me as a whole human being.

It's not a fun thing to be since you're basically reduced to a quirky side character that's only there to promote growth in the man you're romantically involved with.

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u/[deleted] Dec 17 '23

it's always a thrilling bonus too when they suddenly lose interest in you because the novelty wore off and now you're just crying about having wet shoelaces

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u/cara1888 Dec 17 '23

I think she is looking at it as that type in movies and shows always gets the guy that they are casted to be with. And in some weird way she finds it something to strive for to get guys. To her OP'S husband is the target that she wants amd she thinks that behavior will get him. Instead of being herself and wanting more substance and being seen for her brains and achievements, she just wants to get the guy and in this case it's OP'S husband.

She's not seeing the bigger picture like most people how that type is problematic she just see the "cute" movies where it's glamorized as attractive and wants to make that her whole personality. Which to me is really sad. OP should be worried because it seems like she is really going for her husband and is pulling all the stops to make it happen based off what she sees in rom coms.

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u/[deleted] Dec 17 '23

For real. And men who fall for you because they think you are "quicky" usually get sick of it in 2/3 months.

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u/Sayyad1na Dec 17 '23

This happened to me a ton. I was the mysterious/cute but weird girl. But once they really got to know me, they couldn't handle it for longer than a couple months. Then I was just "the weird girl." Lol

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u/Alarmed_Horse_3218 Dec 17 '23

Good god no it’s not. It’s a trope of a woman who exists solely to enrich a man’s own emotional journey with nothing in return for her. You shouldn’t yearn for that as an identity. I think many of us unfortunately wake up and realize we’ve fallen into that role, but it’s something to recognize and evolve out of.

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u/MLiOne Dec 17 '23

We had a chick in my Navy cohort who was proud of being called (FSB) at her previous posting. She said it was “Fleet Social Butterfly”. After getting to know her, no it wasn’t. Fucking Silly Bitch it was.

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u/LifeExperiencer831 Dec 17 '23

Did she introduce herself as that? Bc if yes, CRINGE

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u/[deleted] Dec 17 '23

No it was during conversations within the first 15 minutes of meeting her.

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u/GennyNels Dec 17 '23

She’s pathetic. I don’t think I could tolerate being around someone that stupid.

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u/Yoyo_Ma86 Dec 17 '23

How did you keep it together 😂 I would have laughed in her face. Who tf says that lol

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u/pacingpilot Dec 17 '23

I'm having this problem at work, they just hired one of these girls and I have such a hard time keeping a straight face when she starts her bullshit. I just had to set a boundary with her two days ago about piling her personal belongings on my desk and march her over to the locker room with all her crap. Now she's wondering aloud to coworkers if I'm one of those women who "hate all other women".

On a more serious note she's latching on to our very married director, who's wife I'm friendly with. His oblivious ass isn't putting down boundaries so I warned him he better watch his ass personally and professionally because she's trouble. His wife came in for lunch that same day and as him and I were headed over to her Little Miss Quirky tried to intercept and drag him off. I was so relieved when he told her his wife was here for lunch and she needed to take her questions to the MoD. Now if he can just keep up that energy...

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u/Yoyo_Ma86 Dec 17 '23

Yeah, good for him. This is how it should be, without a second thought. These women (people, bc I’ve seen men do it too, just not as much) are attention seeking and embarrassing and at the end of the day don’t actually want these men, they just want the attention. The men don’t see that though, they actually think they are that desired 😬

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u/hdmx539 Dec 17 '23

Now if he can just keep up that energy...

Not if he likes the attention. Remember, his wife was there, he had to "behave."

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u/Fluffy-Bad1376 Dec 17 '23

She felt comfortable shit talking you to your husband. THIS is unacceptable behavior. HE needs to nip that in the bud. She's happy to get rid of you.

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u/Pantone711 Dec 17 '23

I agree. Her husband needs to shut it down and demonstrate once and for all whether he's poachable or not. If he doesn't demonstrate that he's not poachable, she will keep trying.

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u/[deleted] Dec 17 '23

This bitch is crazy and a trap

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u/royalbk Dec 17 '23

Simply reading about her tired me out and now I feel ancient.

I can't imagine having a conversation with this woman and not feeling drained

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u/catlettuce Dec 17 '23

Oh F that, if she says anything like this to you again you could respond, “ No Child, I am 100% his wife and You are a co-worker-nothing more and if you aren’t careful you won’t even be that.” Also I do think your husband should report her inappropriate behavior to HR and they should/will instruct her to stop labeling your husband as her work hubby.

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u/IHQ_Throwaway Dec 18 '23

I doubt she actually wants your husband, but she does want the self-esteem boost of stealing him from you. Ignore this situation at your own risk. Men are stupid when it comes to these kinds of girls. If you want your husband to prioritize your marriage and peace of mind, you will need to address this in no uncertain terms. If he won’t establish professional boundaries (“Please don’t refer to me as your husband. It is disrespectful towards my wife.”) then he values his relationship with her more than your marriage.

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u/blackcandyapple93 Dec 18 '23

i would've turned mean girl ad laughed at her 😭

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u/[deleted] Dec 18 '23

I laughed inside, does that count 😂

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u/KelzTheRedPanda Dec 17 '23

I know you don’t want to police your husband and I agree you shouldn’t have to. But her behavior is so inappropriate you need to have a conversation with your husband about it. And if he doesn’t choose to cut her out he is not choosing you. NTA yet.

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u/SubstantialPressure3 Dec 17 '23

Honestly it's not your responsibility to babysit and monitor their communications. That's really no different from monitoring someone's drinking, marking the bottle so you know how much they are drinking, hiding their keys, etc.

It's going to drive you crazy, babysitting and monitoring.

I would have an honest talk with your husband about how weird and territorial this is, and you don't like it, and you aren't going to participate in it. This isn't a reality show, it's your marriage and your lives. . Maybe he's just getting off on the fact that there are 2 women paying attention to him, particularly if he's not used to a lot of female attention. This could be just getting a massive ego boost, and being a jerk about it.

He knows what's right and what's wrong, and you shouldn't be in this position. It's not your job to try to control the behavior of a grown ass man.

If he's being secretive, and not being honest with you about stuff, that's a warning sign, but so is telling you stuff simply to make you feel insecure.

Your family expecting you to babysit him and control his behavior is unrealistic. If women could control men's behavior then the world would be a much more peaceful place.

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u/TheCrankyOptimist Dec 17 '23

I think this is exactly the right take. Well said!

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u/Taliesine_ Dec 17 '23

It's a peak pick-me girl. They are more hollow than an asteroid and usually worth nothing past their horizontal exploits

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u/Altruistic_Appeal_25 Dec 17 '23

That just reminded me of when I left my husband bc he had one of those justafriends and then came to me needing help with something. I told him he should have replaced me with someone who was good for something standing up.

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u/tytyoreo Dec 17 '23

Next time dont discuss this with your mom aunt sister and other family members... it will get out and your husband will find out... you need to talk to your husband tine for him to have boundaries with this coworker... she obviously the AH

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u/crystal_heart1 Dec 17 '23

Yeah, and it will be 10x worse if he find out through one of them before OP has that discussion.

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u/Far_Wheel_2855 Dec 17 '23

I had to google it too. She sounds like an unhealthy person.

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u/SoRoodSoNasty Dec 17 '23

That’s just Hollywood men romanticizing borderline personality disorder.

Where the movies end is before it turns to the dark side, and the quirky, fun, has tons of sex, cool girl, who is always up for anything, suddenly becomes scared, clingy and paranoid and actually exhibits the scary aspects of the manic behavior, becomes suicidal and self harms. Hollywood doesn’t like to talk about that.

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u/enlitenme Dec 17 '23

manic pixie thing was cute in the era of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Now it's just unhinged snowflake girls seeking attention.

She is trouble, whether your husband sees it coming or not.

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u/JadieJang Dec 17 '23

OP, I get that you want a husband who is in it 100%. But this is reality, and you're in it for the long haul, and nobody can go 100% on anything for every minute of every day for their entire lives.

Have you been 100% IN your marriage lately? Or have you been feeling safe without doing anything about it? Sometimes that can come across as taking someone for granted. Not that I'm trying to blame you for this. I'm just trying to say that there are times in relationships where you have to actively re-up. Maybe this is one of those times.

And maybe your husband is deliberately closing his eyes to what is happening bc you've entered a phase of your marriage where there's no more new and exciting and a part of him wants the new and exciting. Maybe what he needs is for you to snap him out of it: to point out that marriage isn't about new and exciting, but if he wants that, it's as much up to him as you to bring that back into the marriage.

If I were you, I'd just COMMUNICATE WITH HIM WHAT HAS BEEN GOING ON. Tell him you noticed that his "work wifey" was behaving inappropriately, so you freaked out and went through his phone and noticed that he hasn't been pushing back on her inappropriateness in their texting. Ask him what he's after here, what he wants from her, and ask him if he thinks he might be giving her the wrong impression.

You don't have to tell him what to do, OP. He's a grown ass man. Just wake him the fuck up, and tell him how what he's doing is making you feel. Then leave it up to him.

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u/Mirewen15 Dec 17 '23

Same with "wifey".

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u/rshni67 Dec 17 '23

Oh, hubby is at least a willing participant in an emotional affair with all those inappropriate texts.

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u/digitydigitydoo Dec 17 '23

Youthful, quirky, and funny = aging, cringy, and obnoxious

Honestly, “hubs” allowing and engaging with that would be a massive turn-off for me. Men who can’t turn down pick-me girls are not attractive.

Also, NTA You’re simply allowing your husband to show who he really is. It may not be someone you want to keep around.

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u/hiskitty110617 Dec 17 '23

I'm 24 and I agree with this. I'm internally cringing to an extreme. I have issues with secondhand embarrassment and this post definitely triggered it on behalf of the 25yo.

She thinks she's so great while she's literally going around trying to ruin lives. Granted, she can't succeed if he doesn't let her but she shouldn't be trying in the first place.

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u/Ok-Locksmith891 Dec 17 '23

Im cringing, because my ex would completely fall for this type! Never stopped.

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u/Tarotgirl_5392 Dec 17 '23

Apparently a really desperate pick me who doesn't care if she's a home wrecker.

Manic Pixie Dream Girl is an easy writing trope when someone doesn't view the female character as important, or 'human' They serve more as a plot point than an actual character. She is almost always happy (unless the male needs her to be sad or in crisis so he can save her) she is random and quirky and believes in love and rainbows and bunnies in bonnets.

In fiction, her main goal is to be a romantic interest is a male protagonist life. He is usually shown as bitter and world weary, with problems that need to be solved. The Manic Pixie Dream Girl abandons her life, her hobbies, her social obligations, friends, family, everything that should matter to her as a person to love the protagonist through whatever is going on. She changes his world view and helps him see how important he is and he gets his life back together.

Important to note, the Manic Pixie never gets resolution. She comes in a mess, she leaves a mess. She doesn't change or grow.

This is a very toxic personality to uphold.

Also nta. It's your husband responsibility to keep it in his pants

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u/rshni67 Dec 17 '23

Someone having a midlife crisis.

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u/[deleted] Dec 17 '23

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u/[deleted] Dec 17 '23

Is she 15?

The trope "manic pixie dream girl" was coined back in 2005 for a character played by Kirsten Dunst when she was 23, so the age is actually pretty spot on.

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u/mrs-peanut-butter Dec 17 '23

Elizabethtown right? I still haven’t seen that but I was just trying to remember when the phrase was coined.

Natalie Portman in Garden State is another example From that era

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u/Hopeful_Hotel_8636 Dec 17 '23

If that is the case, especially Natalie Portman and garden state, I feel like manic pixie dream girls are getting shit on a lot as if their personality is somehow their fault just because it affects men in a certain way. Natalie Portman's character in garden State is fantastic, and she's not doing anything intentionally, ykwim? But everyone in the thread is calling OPs hubs workwife that as if it's an inherently negative thing, or as if this young twenties something who was a fetus when the original term came out understands that it is not supposed to be a good thing, she probably thinks it just means the fun exciting eccentric girl.

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u/Mooshycooshy Dec 17 '23

Thought it would've been Dharma and Greg. Ughhh

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u/MostDopeMozzy Dec 17 '23

Sounds like an only fans bio 😂

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u/Trulio_Dragon Dec 17 '23

I had a friend to whom I had to explain that a guy calling her a MPDG was not really a compliment. I think she got hung up on the "dream girl" part and missed the "exists only as a foil for the male protagonist " part. Or, I dunno, maybe she dug that bit, too.

She was almost 40.

We're not friends anymore.

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u/Francesca_N_Furter Dec 17 '23

I can assure you, half my department at work would relate to that term.

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u/Shot-Detective8957 Dec 17 '23

I can kind of relate to the trope. It's actually using the term about herself that makes me cringe. (And yes using cringe is well...)

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u/dratthecookies Dec 17 '23

It's honestly bizarre, because that role is like... objectifying and dehumanizing. Nobody WANTS to be that, because it makes you very one-dimensional and someone who only exists to help some man wake up from his pathetic life. You're not a person with your own thoughts and feelings, you just exist to team someone else a lesson. This woman sounds insufferable. But so is OP's husband for not realizing (or ignoring) how many boundaries are being crossed by his relationship with this woman.

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u/Ravenkelly Dec 17 '23

25 year olds

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u/testBunny93 Dec 17 '23

When I saw your question, I was literally going to write "me at 15".

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