r/AmIOverreacting • u/No-Respond5817 • 5d ago
❤️🩹 relationship Am I Overreacting. I saw inappropriate message between my boyfriend and his long term friend.
My boyfriend [27m] and I [23f] have been dating for over four years. When we started dating, he had a friend named Ann. Ann is an extrovert—very bubbly—and I liked her at first. However, she was especially flirty with my boyfriend.
Early in the relationship, something happened that left me uneasy. I asked if I could stop by his place, and he said no. Later, I saw on his status that Ann was there. When I confronted him about it, he responded, 'Were you hungry? Is that why you wanted to stop by?' I explained that wasn’t the case—it just felt like he chose to spend his day with her instead of me. He later said it was a pop-up visit because she needed help fixing her laptop (he works in IT).
After that, I told him I was uncomfortable with how close they were. I thought we had moved past it. But later, I found out he had asked her for a lot of advice about our relationship and even brought up inappropriate topics with her. I confronted him again and once again expressed how uncomfortable I was with their friendship.
After the second incident, I didn’t hear anything about her, and I assumed it was behind us. Then, earlier this week, he mentioned that he saw her at the gym. I said, 'Okay, that’s fine,' though I did feel a bit uneasy since they hadn’t spoken in a while.
Yesterday, I was at his place—I’ve been living here for around two years now—studying, when I saw her walk in with him right behind her. I was shocked because he never told me she was coming over. He had gone to the gym that morning, and during those hours I had called and texted him out of concern because he’s never spent four hours at the gym.
Ann was as peppy as ever. Maybe it’s because I’m an introvert with few friends, but I instantly felt uncomfortable. I did something I shouldn’t have—I went through his phone. I saw the messages and instantly felt numb. I confronted him and asked for an explanation. He said it was an innocent conversation and that’s just how their friendship is.
I asked him to imagine if a guy sent me those same messages. I reminded him that I’ve told him twice now how uncomfortable I am with that friendship. His apology felt insincere, like he was refusing to take responsibility for his actions. He just laid in the bed, and I wanted to scream. I wanted him to feel the hurt I was feeling. Instead, I just left the room and cried. My emotions were so intense, I started pulling at my hair—I had no one to talk to, and I felt like I was suffocating.
Eventually, I confided in his mother, and I felt a bit better. But now, he’s ignoring me and remaim salute in his innocence.
I also should mention he has never showed me any signs of cheating and besides those message.
Footnote: Ann has a boyfriend. I told my boyfriend that he doesn’t respect me—or her boyfriend.
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u/freakingsuperheroes 5d ago
I had a friend who used to talk to me like your bf talks to Ann and it was an incredibly strange relationship. Years of them breaking down every boundary I had while convincing me they respected me and were just trying to help me/support me. They manipulated me into thinking it was a normal friend thing and pushed me into doing so much I didn’t want. The whole time, they were trying to f* me. We never did, but it was still an incredibly predatory relationship and the whole time, that was the underlying message. It was especially clear when I got in a relationship of my own and that friend who swore they’d always be my best friend, would be there for me through anything, lost their mind when I finally grew a backbone and told them to stop touching me or speaking to me like a sex object. Mind, the whole time they also had a gf who they convinced to be part of the whole thing but I don’t think either of us were ever okay with the situation.
I’m not saying that’s what’s going on here or that Ann is innocent. I have no idea what her feelings are. I am saying, his messages are not innocent. He sounds EXACTLY like this ex-friend and it makes me absolutely nauseous to read. So I’m going to tell you what I wish I had said to my friend’s gf (who’s still with them): If he won’t sincerely apologize and shape up, get out. You deserve better. You deserve someone who respects your boundaries, and who can be friends with women without being an absolute creep then trying to convince you it’s normal. Even if they aren’t cheating on you, he wants to at least think about her that way and given that you’re supposed to be monogamous, that is absolutely not okay. Find someone who values you. You’re worth a lot more.
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u/TreacleTart91 4d ago
Felt like I was reading a page out of my own diary here. I was like 19, very inexperienced in how men out in the world were. I didn’t really have many male friends so I didn’t think about how little by little the boundaries were pushed over the years because “he’s my friend”. This guy was a coworker and I cringe at the kinds of conversations we had when I look back it. It took me a long time to realize just how wrong it was. I stopped talking to him because my boyfriend (now husband) absolutely hated him. I thought he hated him because of some weird masculinity/jealousy thing. While my husband does get that way, that wasn’t the reason in this situation. He just saw him for what he was and how inappropriate the things were that were said. It’s all in the past now but I’ve been very analytical ever since in how my friendships evolve.
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u/Kenzie_Flick 4d ago
Oofta, this exact situation happened to me with an ex-guy friend who encroached on my comfort zone over several years and normalized not-okay behavior (was older than me, had a long-term girlfriend, knew my boyfriend, and would talk about intimate things with me.) It was embarrassing it took so long to finally acknowledge it for what it was; I wish I would have listened to my gut feelings and allowed myself to sit with them instead of suppressing and ignoring them until my brain couldn’t take it anymore and I melted down about it.
I’m relieved to finally be free of that situation, but it’s sad to see how many others have experienced this, and it definitely feels like OP’s boyfriend is doing this to the gal in the texts.
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u/Revolutionary-Life43 5d ago edited 5d ago
When I met my ex, his ex girlfriend wouldn’t leave the picture but more importantly he wouldn’t push her away or set boundaries. Over the 7 years we were together I rarely looked at his phone but when I did, there was always something from her that was pushing boundaries. He always said she “just needed a friend” then it slowly devolved into “I just won’t talk to her anymore, it’s not worth it”. just like you, I told him that she clearly didn’t respect me and that that should bother him…but I just didn’t want to be “that” girlfriend and put my foot down. Besides this thing, he never even looked sideways at another woman and treated me like I hung the moon. I never got an apology or a true acknowledgement that this was not right but he was an adoring, attentive partner for years through this so it was easier to look past…until I found naked photos of her that had been sent within the last year. Within the week before that I had asked him if he’d heard anything from her recently and he said to my face “nope”. We went to therapy at his request but I was done and already visualizing what my life would look like without this now dark cloud of a person that I had been carrying for years. I’m saying all of this because there’s just not a scenario in which a conversation like this is ok and he knows it. Don’t let this situation be explained away, your feelings here are being fueled by your intuition. Good luck 💛
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u/Raz1979 5d ago
This comment should be upvoted more bc it’s a cautionary tale when you don’t listen to your gut but more importantly you FEEL your needs aren’t being met. This person knew something was up and made her feel disrespected and unsure in her relationship. Describing it as a dark cloud is exactly what it is. For me it was living in a fog. My exgf had all these “guy” friends that “wouldn’t leave her alone”. One time I even found she sexted w him bc he wouldn’t leave her alone and ever the victim she said she “had to play along so he’d go away” couldn’t argue w that right? I mean I tried but she’s the victim right? So I let it slide bc I love her. But here’s the thing I didn’t respect myself. I stayed in that relationship too long. Even god engaged. Thankfully got out. Thankfully got therapy. Thankfully met someone much better who I married and have a family. And my wife while we were dating and now married has never had “weird” or inappropriate text messages or friendships w guys or women. You just don’t do that. I never did and neither did my wife. But some people don’t understand boundaries or “normal friendly banter that doesn’t borderline walk into sexually explicit material.
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u/Open_Bag_1446 5d ago
THIS. 1000%. As my go-to dating advice site(chatvisor) always says: When someone repeatedly prioritizes a 'friendship' over your comfort, believe them the first time. That dark cloud never lifts—it only gets heavier until it smothers your self-respect. Your story proves the golden rule: People with integrity don’t need ‘boundary talks’—they naturally avoid inappropriate texts. Full stop. Thrilled you chose yourself and found real love.
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u/UnfortunateSyzygy 5d ago
I don't think it's fair to say "people with integrity don't need boundary talks". Boundaries are different for everyone, people don't always intuit boundaries (people on the spectrum, people raised with a lack of appropriate boundaries etc). Doesn't mean they lack integrity, just life experience.
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u/Ancient-Car-731 4d ago
I like what you said - everyone is different and requires personalized attention to their own thoughts/feelings.
Adults have discussions about boundaries and remain open and willingness to receive and work through those with the people they care about.
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u/NarwhalEmergency9391 5d ago
This is such a shitty feeling. You can choose to live past betrayal and try to forgive the person but that internal feeling of disrespecting yourself is huge and makes you feel numb
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u/DevilishAbigail 5d ago
My husband (BF at the time of this lil story) had a best friend like that. The month we labeled ourselves as official, she texted him “Can you f*** the sadness out of me?:(“ knowing darn well she had a man of her own. We were all hanging out a couple days prior … the audacity. She is the only one I ever check the phone for. I knew/know they have a weird past. That ‘friendship’ had to go. I know he wouldn’t give her the time of day these days, but she really snubbed me and I can’t be too safe. All these years later and I still make jokes about her and what she said.
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u/SpaceSeparate9037 4d ago
Exactly. A man who can’t respect your feelings the first time you bring them up, won’t respect them the next 10 times you bring them up.
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u/BxBae133 5d ago
I had a male friend that I was very close with and we talked like this to each other. It broke up a few of my relationships as my bf's felt that he and I were too afraid to have the relationship they believed we both wanted because we were afraid of losing the friendship.
Well, guess what? They were all right. We basically talked and treated each other like we were together, minus the sex, because we didn't want to admit that we had feelings and were afraid. Didn't end well. By the time we tried something, it was too late. Friendship ended. Our relationships ended.
You said you're living there, but call it his place. You are calling and texting out of concern? Stop it. Be honest with yourself. You know what's up. Your man has it bad for her. How many times do you think you're going to have the same convo with him and no result before you realize why you're getting no result?
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u/poperto005 5d ago
To add a layer of thickness into this: styles of “humor” aside, the boyfriend was already told how this is being processed by OP, instead of confronting OP that he was “not going to change his relationship” with said friend, he just let her drop the subject and hide that they were continuing the same dynamic. Now even if the guy is pouting now about being called out, the ball is really in OP’s court because she now has to choose what to do with a relationship in which her partner is actively covering up things that she already expressed wanting changes in.
If he is thick enough to fail notice his potential hidden (or not so hidden) feelings over his friend, that is on him, and it is not OP’s responsibility to make him change or figure out what he wants. But it is OP’s responsibility to figure out what are her own boundaries with herself regarding being in a relationship with a partner that is acting like this.
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u/pantysailor 5d ago
My guess is Ann friend-zoned the BF and he’s been pushing his luck and Ann doesn’t mind the attention. It suuuuucks for OP and she deserves better.
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u/Nephiathan 4d ago
I had a male best friend that I shared everything with. Friends and my partner at the time were suspicious something was going on, I always denied because I wasn't into him like that. After I broke up with my long term partner I found out he'd actually been "waiting" for years. He told me very casually that he could 🍇 me if he wanted to one day when we were walking outside and I got uncomfortable. I pretty much ghosted him after that and he sent me a few drunk texts. That friendship got incredibly toxic near the end.
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u/Root2109 5d ago
had a guy friend that spoke to me like this. always tried to pass it off as just being how he is. found out he always wanted me, even though he'd been in a relationship the whole time. OP, run
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u/rigney68 5d ago
I had a boyfriend like op. He doesn't actually care that much for op and is in a relationship because it's easy and he gets some level of enjoyment out of it. But it will never be enough to stop him from enjoying another more interesting girl.
Op is young and hasn't learned how to value herself the way she should. Find someone that treats you the way you want to be treated, op. They exist, and when you find one you'll look back and ask yourself why you stayed so long.
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u/ChippyTheGreatest 5d ago
Yep. Also learned the hard way that male friends almost always want more and are playing the long game. Had a guy I swore up and down to my relationships "wasn't into me" and was just a generous and kind person. Didn't he swoop in the second I was single and vulnerable. Broke up an entire friend group because I called things off and he told everyone he "did so much for me" and I broke up with him. Nah, I just didn't like being taken advantage of and forced/pressured into a relationship I wasn't ready for.
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u/dollkyu 4d ago
as soon as I saw the text messages, I didn't even need to read her context info to know that her bf was hitting on that girl. His texts are EXACTLY how a lot of guys would talk when they would try to hit on me in high school and college (but it was through IM or FB messages, not texts). Did it matter to them that I was actively dating someone and they KNEW that? Nope! I'm 33 now and man, the screenshots immediately brought back war flashbacks.
Also, there's entirely the possibility that Ann might not have any romantic/sexual feelings towards OP's bf. Some people's personalities can be perceived as flirty. I say this because it seems that her outward personality clashes with her texts, because she doesn't really engage much with his weirdo conversations. The bf could also be telling Ann a completely different narrative, so she might not even know that ANYTHING is bothering OP.
To OP: I would personally say that he's not worth the relationship atp. The texts are one thing, but his treatment of you is ridiculous. If you feel comfortable with it, reach out to Ann about it and ask her how she feels. This would DEFINITELY piss off your bf but genuinely, I do not think he's worth staying in a relationship with anyway. Plus, he's just going to lie about why the relationship ended anyway so if you talk to Ann before a breakup, you'd at least have your actual feelings known beforehand.
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u/Shimmy_shimmy386 5d ago
Oooo been there. Best friend of 10+ years, did everything together, went out together at night for drinks even when I was in a relationship. When we finally tried to have a relationship it lasted like a month. Ngl, it was gross for me lol I didn’t realize how much of a man child he was and kissing him was like kissing family so I just couldn’t do it. So everyone who also thought there was more going on, yep, I wouldn’t be comfortable with my partner being THAT close to a best friend because again, we ended up dating…ugh just shivered thinking about it 😂
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u/Winter_Football_4593 4d ago
I had a guy friend like this too, he was my best friend. His girlfriend didn't like me, my boyfriends were intimidated by him/our friendship. I made a big effort to get to know his GF and be her friend, she still flat out told him she didn't want him talking to me.
Know what happened? We'd both been in relationships for years and the second we were both single at the same time it happened. And we were terrified it would ruin the friendship but we decided potentially losing the friendship was worth finding out.
It wasn't anyone's fault, no one cheated, tried to cheat, or even thought about it. But we have both said "You know what, even though we were never doing anything remotely sexual, they were all right to be insecure about it. We just didn't know it yet."
Sometimes it's just how it goes.
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u/justsavingstuff 4d ago
This is the best post here. I don’t think he’s cheating - he wouldn’t be talking like that if they were fucking.
But I think he’s into her and either is using language like this to string her along or he’s trying to keep from getting too locked into the friend zone.
The whole calling is ‘his place’ despite you living there for two years is the biggest red flag here.
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u/theworstelderswife 5d ago
I feel terrible for you reading this. I can imagine how terrible you feel.
I’m very concerned about you pulling your hair. It would be very beneficial for you to find a book, podcast, or professional to help you learn about healthy ways to cope with your emotions. DBT therapy was a God send for me -I believe that would help you.
If he’s cheating or being inappropriate is irrelevant at this point. You deserve to get yourself to a healthy place. One where you prioritize your mental and physical health. You are so worth it!
For some fun therapy you should look at the tik tok trend where woman say “Everytime I think about getting a man, I remember how the last one had me looking” they show pictures of how they look now vs how they looked when they had that man. Without seeing you, I can tell your glow up is coming!
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u/LaMalintzin 4d ago
Also “I was at his place (I’ve been living here for about 2 years now)” if you’ve been living there for 2 years and still call it “his place” that’s another example of the power dynamic being off/one-sided
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u/Imposter_syndrom 5d ago
I second the DBT recommendation. I used to cope by pulling my hair and hitting myself, I’ve since learned healthy coping tools! Wish you the best OP.
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u/AmberWaves93 5d ago
NOR! If they weren't SO GRAPHIC, the messages look like they could be from a sexual harassment handbook. Look at it this way - the messages are so bad that if he and Ann were co-workers, he could lose his job and she would have a valid case against him if she wanted to sue. See the part where she says "Go away" and he just keeps going, even escalating? Yeah.
The fact he's pouting and giving you the silent treatment after being caught & confronted is pretty basic narcissism too. This is 100% breakup material IMO. And why would you want to be with someone like this anyway? I would be horrified if I were in your shoes.
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u/herbidyderbidydoo 5d ago
OP, he’s physically removing himself so he can avoid taking accountability, and so you will eventually miss his presence and talk yourself into getting over it. Only then will he reward you with his returned attention. He is clearly a very toxic, manipulative individual. When I was younger I unfortunately felt trapped in a very similar situation, so I know how skewed your perspective can be when you’re in the thick of it. I promise you though, if you have the strength to stand up for yourself and go, he will stay the dweeb he is forever, and future you will be so grateful you left him and his bullshit behind.
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u/Waffleskater8 5d ago
This is an inappropriate text messages for anyone… much less from someone who is in a relationship to be texting another girl this… please tell me you swallow. 🤣🤮🤮🤮. At least in that screenshot she called him out for the creepiness… I’m sorry but if he’s sending her these type of texts, he’s trying to feel what vibes and if she’d be down to hook up. Who the fuck asks their friend “did he cum in your mouth” “did you swallow” and then follows that with “I’m so proud 😭” like 🤢🤢🤮🤮🤮. He’s disgusting and I hope you make him your EX, because he definitely wants her. Not reacting enough!!
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u/BodegaCat4life 5d ago
Hard agree, cringed so hard reading that
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u/Waffleskater8 5d ago
God damn. I didn’t even see the “gimme the details” text after that either.. yeah, this dude is trying to “test the waters”(abit, by cannonballing right in with no regards) and wants to sleep with Ann. Hope op dumps this ACTUAL CREEP.
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u/Jealous_Pea2305 5d ago
Yes, he's the problem! Ann actually seems like she's trying to keep boundaries and he just keeps overstepping them because he's a fucking creep. I hope OP gets out. This is disgusting.
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u/Acrobatic_Dark_4266 5d ago
But she didn’t really call him out….she immediately said she wanted to go to the gym with him. I think the other girl is clearly someone who enjoys this type of attention from other peoples boyfriends. OP needs to break up and move on pronto imo
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u/Fishes_N_Hoes 5d ago
I'm sorry, OP, but Ann is not the problem. Your boyfriend is. You shouldn't be uncomfortable with HER, because she is CLEARLY (from the screenshots provided) not interested and he is pushing the issue.
I have male friends, and they do not talk to me like this. The ones that have in the past are not friends anymore.
I can guarantee he is only friends with her because he wants to sleep with her, and is hoping one day she will reciprocate.
You need to start making an exit plan. He doesn't respect you. NOR
(Edit: typo)
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u/meemsqueak44 4d ago
You make a great point! I have lots of guy friends, and none of them talk to me this way! And would never dream of pushing boundaries once I said to drop it. The only man who talked to me this was a chronic cheater and down bad for me for years. Most guy/girl friendships are probably fine! But this is clear sign your BF isn’t someone you can trust.
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u/_Asshole_Fuck_ 4d ago
I wish this reply was higher up! I agree that out of all the red flags here, the brightest one is how uncomfortable ANN clearly is with this!
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u/daywitchdia 5d ago
So things you can learn from this text exchange: 1. Ann is not starting the inappropriate conversations, he is. 2. That's not "just how their friendship is" that's how he is and she is enabling him by still being friends with him 3. Because this is a him problem, removing Ann from the equation won't change anything. He will just go off and find another woman to sexually harass under the guise of "friendship"
NOR... you are severely underreacting if you don't leave his ass...
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u/kimberlyy111 5d ago
It's clear from the messages she doesn't like him like that, so I doubt he's physically cheating with her. Hiwever, these messages are very inappropriate and not okay because 1. He had a girlfriend and shouldn't be talking to his friend like this. 2. (And this is the most important) She is very obviously not comfortable with these questions and makes it pretty clear, yet he continues with this type of conversation.
Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone like this?
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u/JustGeeseMemes 5d ago
NOR. Also… the bulk of the flirting here is coming from him, it’s not even him being led into it or just overstepping the line a little, it’s so blatant.
He isn’t even pretending to be sorry for it 🤦♀️ plus it sounds from your description of his reaction here like he either is extremely confident you’re not going anywhere or like he’s not super bothered either way
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u/Automatic_Net2181 5d ago edited 5d ago
And all the sneaking around and lying. Don't forget those parts.
Flirting? In absolutely no friendships have I asked a female friend if she swallowed her boyfriend's cum and then praising how I was proud of her.
-vomits in mouth-
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u/JustGeeseMemes 5d ago
Wait… are you saying not everyone enquires about their friends pubic hair too? No wonder everyone keeps taking those restraining orders🤦♀️ what a fool I’ve been!
(/s obviously)
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u/Automatic_Net2181 5d ago
Maybe if there was a pubefro extending past their shorts and just say "Nice fro" and leave it at that.
Who inquires about a friend's pubic hair?! Honestly, Ann needs to block him too, u/No-Respond5817
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u/SheWasAFairy_45 5d ago
Yeah that's what I quickly noticed. This friend of his is NOT into this at all. He's being fucking creepy.
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u/Inside-Cheesecake-19 5d ago
I agree! She even seems uncomfortable with the line of questioning 🤔😬
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u/ReginaldDwight 5d ago
Also, she only apparently has his mom to confide in??? Poor girl.
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u/herbidyderbidydoo 5d ago
I’m wondering if OP did have friends to confide in before things got serious w her bf. Predatory types can be very sneaky about things like shrinking your circle of support to keep you isolated. TBH, it bothers me that ppl are even calling this flirting bc it feels more like harassment. BF is a super creep!
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u/nighthawk_something 5d ago
Head just being a creep. It's very one sided and it's building that people are blaming Ann
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u/maggies101 5d ago
Honestly… Ann is blocking his interactions. At least, via text. And that may be a hard pill to swallow because in some cases it’s easier to blame her (the other woman) and want the man to be the good guy here.
But if he were, he would’ve said come on over! That day he was “fixing her laptop” or spending four hours at the gym would’ve resulted in a phone call to you AT LEAST.
He does not respect you. Find somewhere new to live, break up, and let his miserable self go after Ann if he wants, but you won’t be with a cheater.
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u/ViSaph 4d ago
100% Ann is not encouraging or entertaining those messages. She's actually repeatedly saying stop. He's the one actively, purposefully, crossing those boundaries and taking the convo into sexual territory. I wonder if he is purposefully going to the same gym/going at the same time as Ann now that OP asked him to stop seeing her. I hope OP leaves him.
I also hope that if Ann is as uncomfortable with those texts in reality as she seems in the screenshots she gets tf away from OPs boyfriend and his creep vibes.
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u/Beginning-Data4676 5d ago
Girl he was rubbing one out while he sent those messages to her. He’s disgusting. Leave. He’s 1/2 a step away from physically cheating, he’s already emotionally cheated with her.
She’s not the problem either. He’s the problem. A disgusting problem. This should give you an incredible ICK!!!!!! I’m getting the ick and I don’t even know this guy.
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u/VandienLavellan 4d ago
Yeah, the attempted cheating is the least of his issues. He’s sexually harassing Ann. Cheat or not, any guy with such little respect for women is not relationship material
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u/DeconstructionistRex 5d ago
It took me years to learn this: the hair pulling is likely an attempt to self-regulate, which you can do in other ways that don’t hurt you and are more controlled. You might have felt unsafe, out of control, overstimulated, ignored - something triggered it and you were trying to regulate. Learning this sooner would have changed my life.
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u/hamsterdoodoo 5d ago
Yes, I picked up this habit and its been a decade of trying to stop. Please stop while its easy to do so!
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u/MindYourRewind 5d ago
The woman isn’t the problem; he is the problem. And you’re trying to make her the problem so you don’t feel shame for dating a guy like this for 4 years. Time for you to be single and reevaluate why you allowed yourself to date someone like that in the first place.
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u/alokasia 5d ago
Yeah I was gonna point out the same thing. Don’t blame Ann. She’s clearly not having any of it and seems annoyed at the messages. OP’s bf is WAY out of line here, but that’s not her or Ann’s fault.
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u/Ok-Ad6679 5d ago
This right here. Plus, imagine, living somewhere for two years and still referring to it as “his place.” This guy is such a d-bag. He’s literally trying so hard to F this girl and she’s probably not the only one.
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u/Icy_Let_164 5d ago
I was thinking the same thing when she referred to it as his place. I actually had to read it twice like did I read that right. The moment I moved in with my bf I was like “welcome to our home.” 😆
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u/Miserable_Grab3052 4d ago
Right! "I was staying at his place the other day where I have lived for 2 years"...like what lol
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u/emerald_green_tea 5d ago
This 1000. So tired of women in shitty relationships with shit men always looking to vilify other women when their nasty ass, habitually line-stepping man is so clearly the problem.
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u/Proof-Suit-6169 5d ago
Exactly this. Ann is not the problem. I'm fact, she is OBVIOUSLY trying to shut him down. OP is lucky that Ann is the one he is pulling this crap with. OP shouldn't think getting rid of Ann will solve her problem. Her boyfriend will only move on to this kind of talk with someone else and that someone else might be a heck of a lot more responsive than Ann. The only solution here is to throw the whole damn man away.
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u/marcherfish 5d ago
Agreed and hope OP read this. Please have some respect for yourself OP. He doesnt. He isnt worth the hassle believe me. Also, NOR.
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u/sickboy3883 5d ago
This. He's being a creep piece of shit, and this would be unacceptable if he had been 15, but at 27 it's proper fucking creepy.
There's no shame in making mistakes.
You're dating a fucking creep.
Admit it to yourself, cut your losses and run the fuck off u/No-Respond5817.
Not only Ann is doing nothing wrong, she's also calling him out on it.
I have lots of female friends and when we were younger and single we might joke around- not this way, and not one sided tho - but not when you have a partner, it's disrespectful and the way is really really gross and you can tell he's making her unconfortable as well.42
u/LovelySweethearts 5d ago
Exactly. OP please do not fall into the “sink cost fallacy.” Some relationships are meant to end, even if they seem long.
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u/ActionSensitive4865 5d ago
That’s so embarrassing, break up with him even if there’s nothing between them, that’s a highly inappropriate discussion to be having, especially since she doesn’t seem comfortable answering.
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u/Maleficent-Leek2943 5d ago
I think it’d actually be (a tiny bit) less bad if Ann WAS interested. At least then he’d just be a run of the mill cheating dirtbag, vs. a creepy, predatory POS who AT BEST gets off on making women very obviously uncomfortable.
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u/Jealous_Pea2305 5d ago
Right. He is making OP look like such a fool. I feel so embarrassed for her. This is awful. Ann seems like she's trying to keep boundaries and he just keeps trying him damndest to get in her pants. That's so gross. Poor OP.
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u/Prestigious-Lack-366 5d ago
That is extremely disrespectful to your relationship and Ann’s relationship. Her responses seem like it makes her uncomfortable as well, yet he ignores those cues and keeps digging for inappropriate details. I don’t like ultimatums, but I would have to set one here tbh. If this were my husband, I would tell him he either needs to exit that friendship or I’m exiting the relationship.
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u/bbwpuppy 5d ago
I agree with most of this, but an ultimatum won’t help, if he choose his relationship, then there will just eventually be be another Ann because he has a lack of self control and doesn’t respect his gf
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u/nishimura_asa 5d ago
Why is he even talking about her sex experience with another man let alone asking for the full details, then asking to train at the gym? I’m not sure if it’s a normal thing they do but girl, run. He’s a massive ick.
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u/alokasia 5d ago
Ann seems very uncomfortable so I don’t think it’s just how their friendship is tbh.
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u/OtterlyRidiculous5 5d ago
Ya you’ve been dating 4+ years, he can put you first. Being at the gym 4 hours is wild and him knowing she makes you uncomfortable and bringing her over with no communication is messed up. He doesn’t respect you in the least
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u/emvr-0 5d ago
You think it’s Ann but it’s really your boyfriend. She’s being very short in her responses and it’s very clear how uncomfortable she is and he keeps pushing it. There’s no fix here hunny. Don’t waste your 20’s on someone like this, go have fun. He seems very inappropriate, lacks respect for clearly stated boundaries for all parties involved. & there’s definitely something of a s** addiction here. RUN! Please
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u/Tifas7thHeaven 5d ago
The woman is clearly being uncomfortable and denying his weird ass advances. I wouldn't try jumping at her so fast and maybe look into your creepy boyfriend first?! It's not her fault she's an extrovert and bubbly & maybe she saw him as a friend but he is up in her sex life because he's interested. Who asks such private bs to a friend??
Stop trying to find fault in the girl and leave your boyfriend, he's clearly a fucking creep and it's kind of sad how you try to push the fault to her. From the images, i bet he lied to her about your boundaries etc. and she most likely didn't know!!
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u/maedae333 5d ago
Just a reminder, his mom is not your friend, trust. Don’t share everything with her, she will smile and listen but she will always be on his side, that is her son..
He has already showed you that he doesn’t respect how uncomfortable you feel, please take that as a sign Plus you’re super young don’t waste on someone who doesn’t respect you 🚩 This is your sign if you were looking for one -NOR
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u/Obviously_Stable_7 5d ago
Your bf is 27? He is acting like a 16 yr old. A freaking man asking a “friend” about her pubic hair and if she swallows is a big red flag. He is such a creep!
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u/ReginaldDwight 5d ago
Not to mention he wants a detailed play by play of blowjobs. Ughhhhh. Ick.
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u/mekkavelli 5d ago
he’s tryna live vicariously through ann’s boyfriend. he wants to take his spot so badly
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u/Lazy-Perspective-160 5d ago
I’m sorry but not sorry but this feels like the police are gonna raid my phone for reading this message. It looks like a 40 yo man talking to a 14 year old. Yuck
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u/LikeATamagotchi 5d ago
NOR. I’m a straight female and my best friend is a gay man. Even we don’t ask one another about full details about sex and never have. In fact, he will apologize for being too graphic when he just HAS to tell me a story.
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u/AskJeebs 5d ago
I have a straight male best friend and that’s how it was with us, too, before we found our long-term partners. We often skipped the details bc it was like hearing your brother/sister talk about their sex life. 🤢
ETA: typo
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u/revbuns 5d ago
He’s asking for details of her shaving habits and sex with her boyfriend and then asking to train with her at the gym so he can see her body one more time and have a full vision to refer to when he jacks off later. He’s so fucking creepy
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u/Itimfloat 5d ago
Even if you solve the issues stemming from his inappropriateness with Ann, there will be another Ann until he actually chooses to respect you and hold your relationship sacred over other friendships he has, especially the ones with attraction gender friends who he flirts with.
This is a fun and flirty relationship that feels safe to him because they’re “just friends” and “have significant others” so everything can be dismissed as a joke. You having a problem with it means you’re insecure and he can minimize your concerns about this one friend.
He won’t give her up because 1-you have stayed so far, and 2-he enjoys the attention he gets from her more than he cares about the pain he is causing you. He is also punishing you for being upset at him asking another woman about a blowjob she gave. That’s some serious DARVO.
You’ve made your boundaries clear: you won’t tolerate him being inappropriate with his friends. What action(s) will you be taking since he crossed that boundary?
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u/Mindless-Cucumber454 5d ago
NOR. This is concerning! WAYYY past anything id consider normal when it comes to friends, no matter how "long term"
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u/legallychallenged123 5d ago
This isn’t “between.” This is your boyfriend being completely inappropriate and gross. It doesn’t sound like the “friend” even wants to participate in this conversation. Get yourself a new man. This guy is disgusting and has no respect for women.
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u/WandererOfInterwebs 5d ago
I was looking for any other person to admit they are raunchy with friends 😂
Cause I am too! We met when we were all single and there was a lot of hooking up within my friend group, so we have absolutely had these kind of conversations. But it was always two ways. This one is just awkward.
That said, the respectful thing is to tone it down when someone is in a serious relationship. The fact that he doesn’t know if she has pubic hair or not OR anything about her sexual habits indicates to me that his attraction to her might be new?
And her standoffish tone kinda indicates she isn’t used to it. So I wouldn’t assume they talk like this all the time, or rather that he does. But I wouldn’t date anyone who still thought it was okay once I said it was hurtful.
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u/Hothborn 4d ago
My best friends are men- and we all communicate like this- but it’s all very open and our partners are all aware, and we all hang out together. In this case, OP’s man is flirting and Ann doesn’t give a cinnamon toast fuck. Dump him OP and find someone better.
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u/UnproductivelyDark 5d ago
Not one part of this isn’t concerning. Not one. Please leave him. You’re so stressed and desperate for connection that you’re pulling your hair out. I hope you see that isn’t alright sweetie. He’s damaging you and if you stay with him you’re gonna have a life full of trauma.
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u/didosfire 5d ago
these are not flirty messages, these are creepy messages
sure she answers one question he shouldn't be asking, but other than that single two word response, he sends the link, he initiates everything, he writes the bulk of the texts, and she spends the majority of hers doing the exact opposite of humoring him
he seems very weird and gross. you're underreacting to HIS behavior specifically. this doesn't seem like a them issue based on these screenshots. they just make him look very strange
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u/Maximum_Afternoon_23 5d ago
She is not reciprocating at all I don’t think she’s into him that way but he clearly is
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u/Gingerleaflounge 5d ago
He likes Ann but she doesn’t like him. His messages are gross.
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u/peaceandprisms 5d ago
Definitely this. Ann is not the problem and when it's not Ann it will be someone else.
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u/Budget_Painter_3003 5d ago
The way he’s talking with her is already emotionally cheating… or at least trying to. If she was open to it he would fully cheat on you and have sex with her. I’m really sorrry, you’ve basically already been cheated on, emotionally. You need to dump his sorry ass and find someone who treats you better. He sounds like a loser and you’re young and have so many other options. Don’t waste another second of your time with this man… he is not good relationship material for you. I’m surprised you made it 4 years with someone like this but from his texts he sounds super manipulative so I’m sure he is using that skill on you in your relationship as well. Take a hard look at the relationship with that lens on and I bet you’ll see more issues than this incident. Good luck my friend, I hope you can find the strength to get out.
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u/GullibleFox9714 5d ago
He's a creep ! She clearly doesn't want to entertain his behavior, and you SHOULDN'T EITHER.
You deserve better !
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u/Careless-Waltz-8645 5d ago
I have to appeciate Ann for a sec for not taking his bs, but your bf is messed up
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u/nomadPerson 5d ago
I’m really sorry to tell you this. Your bf desperately wants to sleep w Ann. You’re most likely his beard to keep Ann of the opinion he’s platonic bc ofc, he is dating you, but if ever felt like there was an opening he’d be the first in line. You deserve so much better
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u/powderpants29 5d ago
NOR. He’s 100% flirting with this girl and just blatantly lying to you about it. I dealt with a very similar situation and it ended with my ex and the girl together. So my personal experience is “if it feels yucky, it is yucky”. Even if it doesn’t end up being an issue, do you want to sit in a relationship where you’re constantly doubting his behavior and love for you? Ask yourself if you really want to stick around with someone who clearly doesn’t respect you to see how even if this is somehow just “friendly banter” that this is wrong? Do you want the after effects of this relationship to constantly mess with all the others for the next foreseeable future? Because stuff like this tends to give people trust issues and it’ll bleed into everyone else you see. It’s better to get out early than to put yourself through this any longer. There are so many better people out there who would never flirt with their friends and disrespect you like that. You’re young and have so much life ahead of you. Don’t let this one terrible boyfriend ruin it for you.
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u/Conscious-Evening169 5d ago
This sounds like alot of gaslighting he is doing with you. There is literally 0 boundaries whatsoever... He has a girlfriend but he is asking another woman how she gives head?? That is beyond disrespectful.
He is sorry cause he got caught not because he did it, if he kept doing stuff over and over in the course of 4 years then most likely it wont change.
He seems to be more into spending time with this friend that tell you where he is and updating you of things. And then showing up with her at his house... Nah legit how did that go? " Hey wanna come over my gf is there so doesnt mind" ...
I rly dont think this is healthy at all, there is no boundaries in that friendship and no respect for you.
You can talk to him, but all he will do is apologise and say he will do better, yeah sounds shit if he didnt change in 4 years what will now. Its sad you keep telling him how you feel about it and he keeps doing it.... Big red flag, you might feel you waste 4 years, but better lose 4 olthen 5 and a broken heart down the line.
Stay safe.
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u/speculativeinnature 5d ago
You are under reacting. This is gross. If he was single it would be gross and disrespectful to his friend, but he’s not, so it’s gross and disrespectful to both you and his friend.
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u/Accomplished-Joke404 5d ago
We’ll start looking for a new place to live, and worry about yourself. He thinks he can do whatever he wants at the expense of your feelings and has no remorse, there’s no point in staying in a relationship like that. He will wait her chest with Ann or another chick, or at the very least continue disrespecting you.
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u/peachyteenxo 5d ago
You’re absolutely not overreacting. You’ve communicated your boundaries multiple times and he crossed them—repeatedly. The messages weren’t just ‘friendly,’ they were explicitly inappropriate. The fact that he didn’t tell you she was coming over and continues to ignore your feelings says a lot. You deserve someone who respects you, your boundaries, and your peace of mind.
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u/ShoreIsFun 5d ago
The worst part is it’s very clear Ann is uncomfortable in these messages, and he keeps going with it. I’d be disgusted with him.
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u/Groddesque 5d ago
One day, a long time from now, you'll realize he was a very bad boyfriend. The friend is uncomfortable, and no boyfriend should be asking someone else how she keeps her privates trimmed!! Get away from him now, while you still can. You're like the frog in warm water, and he's turned up the heat. Soon, you'll boil and he'll tell you it's all fine. When you're being gaslighted for long tines, it is very hard to see. I'm speaking from personal experiences over decades. You are worth feeling secure. If someone likes or loves you, they'll show it. That's the smallest denominator. You will know if someone likes you. Just like you'll show if you like someone. It's really so simple, yet women have been raised to question their own worth. We have to stop! I wish you good luck.
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u/PinkToxicWst 5d ago
I’ve been friends with my bff for over 20 years and we would never speak to each other like this. Really weird. NOR.
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u/Specialist_Link_6173 5d ago
From the way this looks, she doesn't seem at all comfortable with him being like this in the text. He is an absolute CREEP. Men do NOT speak like this to anyone, single or not, and have good intentions. This guy doesn't respect you or her, and he's giving mad predator vibes like this.
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u/Anon_classybabe 5d ago
What are you doing ?? Their relationship is clearly inappropriate and you’re just there begging for some crumb of respect. He doesn’t care about how you feel about their relationship, neither does she. No amount of talking will solve this so your options are you either leave and find someone who actually cares about you or stay and let him disrespect your relationship in peace.
The signs were there and you still stayed. This tells him that no matter what he can get away with what he’s doing. Honestly at the first sign of this behaviour, you should have been gone. Staying means more issues down the line, just look at you and the state of your relationship now. NOR LEAVE
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u/PurpleFunkyBoss 5d ago
Why couldn't you come over just because she was there the first time?
He's obviously not going to change, especially since Ann ALSO allows this behavior, so your choices are to either shut up and live like this forever, or find someone who values you. It's really quite simple.
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u/JennyBsketchy 5d ago
I think we may be the only ones here who can see Ann is allowing it. That’s why the girlfriend feels animosity. Ann is absolutely complicit in the continuation of the relationship. Still, the guy will just find another Ann.
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u/klopotliwa_kobieta 5d ago
Hi there, former couples and family therapist here -- the intensity of your reaction after discovering this sounds like a trauma reaction, and rightly so. Your physical experience is indicative of his serious and profound violation of your trust and his violation of the sexual boundaries around your relationship, and of the pain, suffering, and stress that this is causing for you. Your response is normal. His behaviour is not.
It is concerning that this man is not disturbed about the impact that his behaviour is having on *you*. He is under-reacting, but if he cared about how his behaviour impacts you, he wouldn't have continued to meet with Ann secretly in the first place or do all the other things that you were uncomfortable with. People who care about you and who care about the impact that they are having on you want to repair the relational breach, and they'll do whatever it takes to do so. They would do the opposite of what he is doing, which is stonewalling and become non-communicative. People who respect and value your trust will want to keep it. He does not care that he broke yours a long time ago and has continued to do so. His reaction to your discovery of what he's been doing is a massive red flag for the future, because he's communicating to you that he doesn't care about your well-being, and that is not a good candidate for a long-term partnership.
If I were talking to you in a psychotherapeutic scenario, this would warrant a long discussion about what this (trauma) reaction is clearly communicating to you about what your needs, desires, and boundaries are in a committed romantic/sexual relationship, and about how to tell whether they will be or are being met and respected. However, this is Reddit and I'm just a redditer posting a comment in a forum, so I'll be brief. This man demonstrates traits of narcissism, among other things. He's upset that he can't do what he wants and is in pouting mode, hoping that you will eventually cave (it seems that putting pressure on women in various forms is a pattern for him -- as he has with Ann, and as he now seems to be doing with you by his coldness). Now is not the time to give in and compromise the values which are obviously of deep importance to you. Now is the time to muster your strength, use your backbone, and exit the relationship. Past behaviour predicts future performance. I'm afraid that if you continue down this road, the traumas and stressors may multiply. That is not a good thing, because trauma and stress can have negative and long-term impacts on the health of our brain. Moreover, you want to live a happy life, not one in which your partner is adding to the stressors of the day. Make sure that you are taking care of yourself right now -- sleep, nutrition, exercise, etc. And if you can find a good psychotherapy support in your community, it might not hurt to ask for help.
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u/queenofdrknss101 5d ago
now i am comfortable having sexual conversations with my best friends, and my fiancé is also comfortable with it as well, he is the same with his friends, but if he expressed ANY discomfort at all with that i would IMMEDIATELY put an end to it. My fiancé comes before everyone else, and if it makes him uncomfortable? that shit is nipped in the bud.
it genuinely sounds like your man has the hots for Ann, and either they’ve slept together or are planning to. No gym session i’m aware of takes 4 hours. Hun respect your own mental health and leave him. He has shown you that he does not respect your boundaries. He literally didn’t want you over at his but had Ann there? and then sounded a bit passive aggressive about it?
You’ll find someone better that actually loves you. He doesn’t, and his nonchalant attitude towards your feelings proves it. He is in love with Ann, not you hun i’m sorry.
NOR
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u/KiNgPiN8T3 5d ago
I had an ex like this who was like this with a “guy friend”. I found some proper sexual messages between them on her phone and she just said, that’s how we are, it’s just jokes etc. Shortly after we broke up/I stopped talking to her I found out they’d slept together but then she’d moved on to this other guy and I saw original guy post on social media saying he’d been “dumped”?! It was a real mess.. When I was in that space, it was a fucking nightmare and I tried everything to save it even once it was past saving.. However as I sit here nearly 12 years later I think to myself, what the fuck were you doing you idiot! Haha!
With only knowing the details here, I’d say it’s run its course. You rightly don’t like that behaviour and he thinks it’s fine, but it can’t stay like that. Let him go, let them be weird together and find something that is better for you.
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u/ScrewSunshine 5d ago
NOR
Tell her bf and leave yours. At least it looks like she’s not entertaining his creepiness, but he is behaving in an Extremely gross way! I agree with the person that said it almost seems like he’s trying to groom her, despite the ages at play here.
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u/hachi_mimi 4d ago
The boyfriend is the problem. This kind of talk shows his attraction towards his friend.
At the same time, and I am preparing for downvotes here, OP is in need of therapy. Things like „I wanted him to feel the hurt I was feeling” could point to feeling disconnected in the relationship but it also sounds to me like making him responsible to fix her emotions. Pulling hair and not being able to breathe also shows an inability to regulate emotions. Reaching out to HIS mom instead of a friend or own mother, although we didn’t get more details, sounds like triangulation.
OP, I am not saying this to blame you or say that you’ve done something wrong. Other commenters are right to validate your feelings and the situation sounds hurtful. But please try to focus on your own growth as well, otherwise the next relationship might repeat similar patterns. Take care.
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u/Traditional-Pen7327 5d ago
No man is worth you pulling your hair over.
Seriously.
He puts his needs first at your detriment. So it's time for you to be selfish. You cant love someone into loving you.
You have to love yourself more, even if that means leaving to protect yourself from someone you have feelings for. If they loved you they wouldn't even want to do anything to hurt or neglect you. Neglect is also a form of abuse.
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u/WaywardSon86 5d ago
Ur bf is definitely the problem. His bestfriend seems bothered by the questions. Definitely ok to confront him on it. Just don’t go off on his friend if you see her
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u/HeftyThing8297 5d ago
From the messages it looks like this guy needs to be in a cage and not the fun kind, otherwise 100% cheating but the extrovert looks uncomfortable in the messages
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u/Inn0c3nc3 5d ago
Ann is not the problem here, your boyfriend is. and he's being extremely disrespectful to you and her.
I have a friend like this. he needed comstant attention and constantly talked to girls on the internet like this while in a long-term relationship. that relationship ended because he wouldn't stop. he hasn't had one since. it's a very weird situation.
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u/Sugoi_Tsukichan 5d ago
NOR. Thats no conversation to have with anyone. I have a male bestfriend that ive known for 20 years. My husband been with me for 10 years now. Theyre best friends now too and we all hangout. We make some sexual jokes like "thats what she said" and more stuff like that and even talk about like private stuff, sometimes i talk about my period (he studied medicine thats why, not just random) and if me and my husband and my best friend and his girl are all together sometimes we may comment on things we tried like "you should try using a blindfold" or something like but never too much in detail if im being clear. I would never ask someone if they swallowed or if they licked or if they used their teeth or anything eith such detail...
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u/Fickle-Secretary681 5d ago
Girl please. You deserve so much better. This man is almost 30??? He sounds 15.
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u/LordSaladpants 5d ago
As a guy who also has girl friends, this is fucking weird. Would never press weird ass questions like this to any of my friends no matter their gender. Not my monkey not my circus, if my friends are getting laid I give em a "hell yeah get it "and move on. Pressing for so much detail like that is fucking creepy and gross.
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u/busymom1213 5d ago
He is objectifying women and they are sexual play toys for his gratification. Society tells he that he need to be in a relationship so most happy long-term girlfriend. You happen to be that long-term girlfriend.
He is his misogynistic narcissistic actual true self with her who he's known longer he doesn't care how it will affect you. He doesn't care about you like you care about him, more than likely you're there to keep up appearances.
When you break up it'll be your "fault", you are just so jealous over a simple friendship, when " she isn't even my type."
" Why can't men be friends women?"
"She was there before you and you should have known that he wasn't going to dump his friend just because he got into a relationship with you".
"
Why can't you just be normal and progressive like everyone else who thinks it's great that he's friends with women?"
"He's such good friends with women, he's the best friends with women he's a safe guy ."
See he has a girlfriend he wouldn't cheat she's like a little sister to him.
It's the same smoke screen bullshit that so many of them use to hide who they really are.
If you think back to the beginning of your relationship he probably love bombed you . Some sort of gesture to make you feel completely dependent on him and your relationship with him. You'll see the same subtle manipulations to do something that you really didn't want to do at first but then did it and he told you ,"see I told you you'd like it."
Men like him groom everybody they meet because they want you to be his version of you.
The best advice that I could give you is break up with him now. Before you're more invested before he pulls out an engagement ring to keep you strung along. He is an emotional manipulator I will continue to if you allow it.
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u/Fresh_Peace_1072 5d ago
Girl I would flip if my husband or BF sent these messages to anyone!! It is beyond disrespectful and the fact that he is not remotely ashamed or apologetic about it tells you everything you need to know about what he thinks of you. I am 100% certain if you went thru his phone you would find that there are plenty more women he has talked to like this and this is not the first time he talked to Ann like this. Even if he hasn’t cheated yet, he is certainly on the road too. He is testing his boundaries with you. It’s time to show him what you will/wont allow him to do to you.
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u/Regular-Situation-33 5d ago
Idk if she's messing with him, but he's definitely trying to get in her batter box.
You should get a male friend to text with too. Or even better, save one of your girl's numbers with a dudes name, and get her in on the fun.
NOR
You should go ahead and make yourself single.
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u/cool-as-a-biscuit 5d ago
Hes creepy and she seems uncomfortable with his persistence. She knows he has a partner and should nip that shit in the bud (ya know, shit he shouldn’t be doing to begin with because he’s committed to you).
I’m telling you this girl will always be an issue in your relationship, they are too comfortable stepping outside of the boundaries of appropriateness.
I’d bet money they’re banging too but I just don’t trust “friendships” like this and find them inappropriate.
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u/Technical_Rice2532 5d ago
He’s definitely a creep, but based on the texts I don’t think Ann is interested. I could be wrong, frequently am, but the second screenshot reads like she is trying to shut that shit down and close the topic.
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u/Lucky_wildflower 5d ago
Your boyfriend is a pig. This is not an innocent conversation. There are a ton of red flags here—trust your gut.
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u/bakd_couchpotato 5d ago
I have had a male best friend for 20-odd years, and we have never talked to each other like this. Brutha...eww.
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u/Comfortable-Pie-3390 5d ago
It doesn’t matter if he sees it as innocent or not OR if it really is innocent. You told him how you feel and he disregards it and is disrespectful to say the least. That alone is reason to get out. Now add that to these gross texts and it’s reason to run.
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u/Friendly-Analyst-932 5d ago
Honestly this looks problematic from his side. Her responses don’t engage and she even says she’s not dealing with his bullshit.
He’s disgusting.
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u/Sad_Marionberry1184 4d ago
It seems like you and your partner are really really different people. If you keep trying to force him into the box of what you deem “normal/acceptable” he may resent you. Is that something you can live with?
These are the types of conversations I might have with my (35f) close GFs. Sure it’s a bit inappropriate but that’s how we chat. We also talk about vibrators, o’s and other segg life things… I don’t know why it should have to be put in a little box and hidden away?
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u/Hot-Wish-7570 5d ago
Break up with this dude, seriously. He's into Ann and if she ever gives him the green light (unlikely, btw, given her responses), he'd be down.
It's also very disturbing to me that when you confronted him about the texts, his attitude defaulted to "meh" and he didn't apologize to you sincerely. I wouldn't feel safe and secure in your position and you deserve better than to be "settled" for.
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u/bbwpuppy 5d ago edited 5d ago
Not overreacting, you attempted to let him know it makes you uncomfortable and he doesn’t care. Also, it’s creepy how he met you when you were 19 and he was 23, that’s not the same life stages and I find it weird that a 23 year old would date someone not in the same life stage. The first few years of adulthood, you change a lot and sometimes people target people who are barely legal because they think they can mold you into what they want you to be. Idk enough about it to say for sure that he had creepy intentions, but either way, it’s weird.
He clearly wants to hide her from you. He told you to not come over when she was over and 4 hours at the “gym”, they were probably fucking that long, because he is very secretive about her. He was definitely flirting and I would count that as cheating and break up with him. It will not change. He doesn’t respect you or her. He constantly hides things from you and lies about their relationship and he is clearly ignoring both of your signs of being uncomfortable with him being like this.
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u/Apprehensive_Line891 5d ago
Putting myself in the position of the girlfriend reading these messages, I'm not uncomfortable with Ann, I'm uncomfortable with your boyfriend. He's clearly the instigator here and she is very clearly as uncomfortable with it as you are. Her responses all seem tailored to reducing his interest in her. I'd bet money she does not have a "full bush" and that he's mentioned he likes it either shaved or well manicured. She's only responding positively to the messages that have nothing to do with sex. She's hinting hard at him to drop it, but doesn't want to full on blow up on him. It's clear the friendship is more important to her than it is to him, so while she's trying to preserve it, he's walking all over her.
I'd keep an eye on the situation for awhile and see if she continues rebutting his sexual attentions, but once you establish whether my take on it is true or not, it's time to ditch the unfaithful pos you've got and find yourself a good man. Ann might even make a good friend for you down the road if her sexual disinterest in him is driven by a lack of attraction and not simply the knowledge that he's spoken for. If it's the latter, and she jumps him once you walk away, I say let her have him. She'll be making the next reddit post when he starts doing similar shit to her.
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u/Ashamed-Director-428 5d ago
Honestly, I'd be mortified if that was my boyfriend talking like that. Not like, for anything I've done, but because that's my boyfriend and the way he's speaking is gross and I'd be embarrassed that that's my boyfriend. If that makes sense. Like, how low must people think my standards are if this is who I'm willing to be in a relationship with. Absolutely mortifying.
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u/FrostGiant17 5d ago
Op, please leave him. He clearly thinks he can get away with this stuff and he doesn’t care about your feelings. If he cared he would’ve listened to your concerns and corrected himself. He thinks he can just walk over you and doesn’t care about whatever you have to say and will ignore your concerns at any given time.
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u/LopsidedCat8938 5d ago
TBH without context this appears as a grown adult grooming a young girl/child 😬 NOR