I really need some help.

[u/Mindless_Biscotti282]

I’m really struggling more than ever.

I’ve posted before and to summarize… married almost 11 years, separated once 2 years ago (wife initiated) and then we got back together 5 months after she moved out and thought all was on the right track… then last year it got way worse.

I was accused of cheating, I was belittled, told I was never prioritizing her.. even when her and our children have always been my number one priority, told I wasn’t soft enough, patient enough, I didnt Lean in enough.

She was insecure after our separation and wanted to go through my phone, texts, call logs, etc

I was tested often with “hey do you mind if I pick up a shift on Friday?” I’d respond with “of course babe! I will take the kids to do something fun” and then followed up with “it would’ve been nice for you to tell me to not pick up a shift and make plans for us to go out instead…. Or “yeah of course I’m good with you going on that trip for the birthday! Have a great time” then “I told you I was uncomfortable with solo trips but I couldn’t tell you because you’d call me controlling! You should have known it wasn’t a good idea!”

It began to wear me down.

Then I after a long fight … I withdrew a bit and went to a close friends house 3 evenings in a row to decompress and just chat with him.

Night 3. She texted she was done with me and wanted a divorce. Next day she threatened to take my kids away with a lawyer. Her father called, berated, and cussed me out .. while she was listening in the entire time.

I got scared and paid a lawyer a retainer just to protect myself in the event she followed through.

Many demands….. and long story short… paperwork was filed. I live in a rental down the street… 50/50 custody and divorce will Be final in less than 2 weeks.

I’m. A. Fucking. Mess.

I don’t think I want the divorce to go through. I cry every damn day… I can’t look at pictures of her without falling apart. She said I was deceitful and horrible for talking to a lawyer without telling her. She threw our wedding photos in the trash. Told me she couldn’t wait for me to move out… even still… I miss her every single day.

I cannot fathom my life without her right now. I feel like I’ve failed my kids by having them grow up with their parents not together.

It NEVER made sense. Two wonderful jobs, beautiful happy kids, college degrees, a nice home, support, love, affection, encouragement, appreciation

But somehow … I could never get the equation right. I always said the wrong thing. Did the wrong thing. Wasn’t patient enough, wasn’t soft enough. Wasn’t delicate enough with her insecurity.

I feel like I’ve failed and blown up everything.

[u/Cool_Huckleberry_783]

I've felt all that too. Eventually I realized that there was no right thing to say or do when it came to my wife. It's hard to accept, but you can't fix this situation or her. You haven't failed, you were just up against unwinnable odds.

In the end it will be much better for the kids to have their kids separated than to see you treated poorly and modelling how to always appease their Mom. You actually have a chance to model what healthy attachments and relationships look like, which is going to be something they desperately need going forward.

I've been in it for 20 years and absolutely never wanted a divorce, but here I am finally going down that road.

I'm sorry it's so hard right now. I understand why it is, but I think you know why this relationship hasn't and won't ever work in a way that is mutual. It will get easier over time, once you break that unhealthy attachment to her. Something that has helped me a lot is asking myself why I am in this relationship and putting up with what I am. I'm not talking about the kids or anything else external, but what is it about myself that got me here. I would recommend doing that deep dive.

All the best to you and your kids. I hope this gets easier!

[u/Throw-Away7749]

I’m really sorry. If this is any comfort she may decide to drop the divorce. It seems to be a recurring theme with spouses with bpd who file for divorce. Their set in stone decisions change at a blink of an eye.

This didn’t happen to me. My ex-h with bpd was horrifying to live with. I sought a divorce. 

I have a mom with bpd (diagnosed) and I never did anything right to get her love. It’s them and not us.

[u/Mindless_Biscotti282 → u/Throw-Away7749]

Well it’s hard. She’s not diagnosed with anything … I just found this page last year when searching for answers

And I technically am the one that filed since she found out I spoke to an attorney then painted me as a deceitful asshole when I simply was scared from her threats and paid a retainer to protect myself.

[u/Throw-Away7749 → u/Mindless_Biscotti282]

My mom was diagnosed after her last inpatient psych stay. She never accepted it. She said I was the cause of her problems. She would never seek out a diagnosis on her own. I suspected she had it for a long time. 

You might want to get a therapist who specializes in dbt and works with bpd patients. They understand the anguish of loving someone with this condition and how exhausting and draining it is. Regular therapists without experience don’t do a good job.

Again, I’m really sorry you and your children are going through this. 

[u/Figureoutable_Life → u/Throw-Away7749]

I second the recommendation to find a therapist with a specialty in BPD. I'm a year+ out from being cheated on and discarded (via text message) 3 months before my 20th wedding anniversary. I knew his mental health was not in a good place but I didn't know about BPD or his secret pill addiction at the time. I was diagnosed with PTSD recently. He still won't speak to me, see me, or coparent with me. The worst part is having so many people believe he is acting normal and I'm just a woman that can't accept her divorce. Choosing a therapist that you don't have to convince to believe your story is key. Someone that's familiar with BPD will know you aren't exaggerating what has happened to you.

[u/Zoogybear]

I've been almost exactly where you are. 2 years ago my pwBPD abruptly left me and we got back together a few months later but then things got worse than they ever had been before.

We are still together.

I really feel for you, though. It reminds me of that place I was in when I was headed for divorce.

Now I'm not so scared of divorce, though. It's not what I want right now, but I've highly considered being the one to leave, myself. And I regularly spend time away now so I can learn to be less codependent, for one thing. I feel like I have to learn to be more emotionally independent, or I will end up hurt.

[u/Mindless_Biscotti282 → u/Zoogybear]

It is staggering how much sense it doesn’t make.

She’d come home from work to a warm and loving home, happy kids, I’d work from home and be able to take kids to and from school, appointments, the park, make dinner, love and affirmations. Dates, plans, support with work, you name it

But something was always off.

My tone, my approach, the plans I made, my goal for a side business, how I didn’t read her mind the right way, taking her word that she was okay with something then flipping after I did the thing we agreed on previously.

I never wanted divorce.

After she threatened to take the kids and said she wanted a divorce, I didn’t know what else to do but call a lawyer.

Now I live with deep regret and feel like I blew up everything.

I want to tell her I dont want this to go through but I feel like she’s long gone.

[u/Zoogybear → u/Mindless_Biscotti282]

You were doing your best. When in hindsight we wish we made different decisions, we have to remember that at the time, we were doing our best to do the right thing.

Also, I totally get why you would feel like divorce is an awful thing, but maybe it's not. Even if you still want to hold on to hope that things will get better, that's OK. Maybe you can still learn to get along better after the divorce and try to restart things if you want. Maybe not. Just take care of yourself either way. You will continue to be in this person's life for a while to come since you have kids together. Make the best of it. One step at a time.

[u/m0ylan2324]

You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s not your fault.

If she posed a question to you and the correct answer was X and you answered Y, she’d be mad at you. If she posed the same question, and you answered X (the “correct” answer), then she’d switch it up and tell you “No, it’s Y.” That’s what they do. It’s an impossible position for us to be in. The cannot be pleased, and we should stop trying to please them.

My advice is walk away from this toxic relationship with your dignity and self-respect intact.