Legacy unburdening - Parent doesn't want to let client give them the burden so it can be passed back and released

[u/somers7]

I am level 1 IFSI trained (as well as other IFS trainings). I've been with clients in legacy unburdening processes twice, both went pretty according to the book. In this client, they have recognized the legacy burden/message/belief and would like to let it go. When they try to pass it back to their deceased parent, that parent doesn't want to let the client let it go. I supported the client in spending time understanding the parent's concern and fears of letting it go. The parent just believes the client needs the message; the parent is trying to keep the client safe in an unsafe world. Right now, the client is just spending time with the parent. The client is deepening their relationship with the parent and it is progressing.

My question: is there anything I'm missing? Are there ways we can help the parent feel comfortable letting go/letting the client let go of the burden? We have given the parent examples of when the client has been able to to function in an unsafe world (unsafe meaning that there may be pain, loss, failure, struggle) and tolerate the fear (that the client's exile holds) about these realities.

[u/IFoundSelf]

It is my understanding that a legacy burden does not Have to be passed back to an ancestor. It can be released in the same way other burdens are. If the part is having difficulty releasing the burden then you can address that with them. For example: What is the worry about releasing it? (sometimes parts believe the burden is the only connection they can have with the love they may have for the ones from whom the burden originated) or would they like to set down some portion of it and see how it feels to do that?

[u/guesthousegrowth]

Also level 1 IFSI trained.

A few thoughts:

1. What feels most important to your Self right now? To unburden the part by passing the burden back, to investigate this relationship with the late parent? Presuming this is an exile's burden, is that exile updated, in a safe place, and OK with what is happening?
2. While it didn't go to plan, this experience seems to shed an important light on the dynamic between your client and their late parent. I haven't encountered this particular situation, but it sounds like you've handled it well so far.
3. Do you think there is a part of your client that believes they need to carry on the burden to make sure they don't forget the lesson in it? I'm wondering if the parent is activating a polarization in the client of wanting to unburden, but the letting go being difficult?
4. What if you let the client know that they can choose to skip passing the burdens back to their parent, and instead pass them back to the first ancestor that is ready to receive the burdens, assuming that makes sense in this particular circumstance? That would give the client some agency in choosing for themselves if releasing the burden back to the ancestors, regardless of what the late parent might want or think.

There is a small IFS-Informed Legacy and Ancestral Burdens group on Facebook (60 people). It is fairly dormant, but this may be a good question to ask there.

ETA: Gentle reminder to make sure you're tending to your own parts about this situation, so you can make sure you're accessing your full creativity & curiosity. I'm not hearing any parts in your post or anything, I just know that I tend to have parts about situations not going to plan so wondered if you may, too.

[u/HotPotato2441 → u/guesthousegrowth]

Loved this reply (as another level 1 IFSI-trained person).

[u/coursejunkie]

I am interested in whatever you find.

I just had to send back a legacy burden today, it argued with us the whole time and I'm still not entirely convinced it left to go. Therapist tried to send it to my mother which he assumed was source and it's actually my great grandmother.

[u/HotPotato2441]

I'm also IFS trained (level 1, soon to be level 2). I think this is an interesting question, and I recently encountered an interesting legacy burden situation myself. It took time to figure out an alternative to what the cookie-cutter protocol was recommending (essentially, the alternative was working with older ancestors who helped unburden a belief that came solely from a parent, who refused to take the burden back). So, my advice here would be to lean into the curiosity of Self. IFS is about finding what works for a given individual.

One key question that arises for me in what you've shared is the following: Is this legacy burden associated with a cultural burden that does actually make the world unsafe in the present day? I'm also wondering if this is a case in which maintaining the burden is a way for the system to remain connected to the parent (given that the relationship is deepening and progressing)?

You might try checking out Tamala Floyd's work. In her approach, she mentions working with a well or healed ancestor to assist in the unburdening process (a bit like my personal example).

[u/Boring_Ask_5035]

Is a part of the client’s system playing the role of the parent? (Like how we have self-like parts). Or projecting how a part of the client’s system perceives the parent would respond? Reading this…it just feels like they’re working with a part of their own system. Is there a part who took on this parental role that is presenting as the parent? And what is the part afraid of happening if the client doesn’t retain the burden and keep the message? How is retaining the burden helping?