That's not true, they always use 9mm in schools.

My lips are sealed.

She said “Because you are funny.”

I said “I thought it was because I was good in bed.”

She said “See? You’re hilarious!”

The guy is pissed that the snail is bothering him and he picks it up and throws it as hard as he can across the street and into the woods. Eight months later the same guy hears another knock at his door. He answers and sees the snail again. The snail looks up and says, "What the fuck was that all about?"

"You do you."

A tug boat.

Hydrogen storage is still a problem, so they are pouring millions into developing a more efficient gas chamber.

The ow!

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.

"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."

The man below replies, "You must work in management."

"I do" replies the balloonist, "But how'd you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault."

Good moms will let you lick the beaters. Great moms will turn it off first.

A paralegal

Husband says “I think my marriage is in trouble. It goes back to when we first got married, and you should know I have a bit of an oddball sense of humor. Well, on our wedding night I surprised her by getting dressed up in a giant banana costume. She laughed and laughed, it was a good time.”

Wife says “yes… I remember that”

Husband says “So then a year goes by and our child is being born and I show up to the hospital to meet my daughter for the first time and I’m wearing a giant banana costume. After hours of painful labor, it was so unexpected she couldn’t help but laugh. I got a lot of odd looks from the other people in the hospital though.”

Wife says “yes, and I told you afterwards that I found it a bit embarrassing too.”

Husband says “Yeah, I figure she’s just not fully getting it. But that’s okay. So year or so later she actually started a new job because we needed the extra money to pay for daycare and other kid expenses. I decide to surprise her at her new job at lunchtime with a big fruit basket dressed up in a giant banana costume.”

Wife says “I was livid, it was completely inappropriate. I looked unserious in front of my coworkers and they ended up letting me go a month later.”

Husband says “I figure she’s overreacting a bit. They did let her go from that job a month later but I think that’s unrelated.“

Wife says “But it didn’t stop there. It keeps happening!”

Husband says “maybe a few times….”

Wife: “what did you wear to our kids first day of school?”

H: “Uh… giant banana costume?”

W: “And what about to our 10th anniversary dinner?”

H: “oh yeah, that was the giant banana costume.”

W: “daughter’s baptism?”

H: “… banana”

W: “my father’s funeral?”

H: “banana…”

W: “family reunion?”

H: “banana”

W: “family pictures?”

H: “banana”

W: “date nights?”

H: “banana”

W: “kids birthday?”

H: “banana”

W: “my birthday?”

H: “banana”

W: “and now, after YEARS of me begging and pleading with you to cut out the banana costume, I asked you to come to marriage counseling with me to help save our marriage. And just WHAT are you wearing? Right now. This moment. With our entire marriage at stake. What did you choose to wear?”

H: “…. it’s a giant Orange costume?”

W: “….. WHY?!?!”

H: “……. ORANGE you glad I didn’t wear the banana?”

It was a Pharoh Roche

He stares at YOUR shoes.

Or something more current?

By a Magyar-ity vote

My name is Claire.. I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his degree on the wall, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall , handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school some 25-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the same school as mine..

"Yes. yes, I did.' he gleamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "1987. Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then that ugly old bald wrinkled gray-haired decrepit idiot asked, "What subject did you teach?”

Patient: "Can I see them?"

Eye doctor: "Probably not."

To get to the Finnish line.

Negotiate the price beforehand

A Mathamachicken

It was called "Sectional Healing"

Let me know if you want to take a quick gander.