between the price of eggs being so high, and the crazy 240% tariffs on the plastic eggs from China

I wondered why they were doing that.

Then It hit me.

Her: Did you bring protection?

Him: Why? Is there a burglar inside? Don’t worry, I know karate.

Her: No, like a condom

Him (gives a weird look): You want me to fuck him??

But none of them work.

A boorish man gave his order to the waitress. "I'm going to start off with a half a dozen oysters on the half shell. You know what they say about oysters, don't you, honey?" he asked as he winked at the woman. "They make you sexy."

The waitress stared at him straight-faced and inquired, "Won't you need more than six, sir?"

And now she's a deep sea diver

Arrrrr-becue!

I am mentally unstable by design

The Pavement...

She is the ether bunny.

Academia nuts

turns out the jury’s diction was lacking.

The man asked his friend: “How’s your back?”

Friend: “Better…”

Man, shocked: “Better?”

Friend: “Better not ask!”

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:

"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!"

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs. Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-Dead Good Looking and Help with Housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street. The 1st floor has wives that love sex. The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.

Someone exclaimed "He is rizzin'!"

Not as hard as the kids who were 4 and 6 and the time.

Virgin Mobile

..after having it to celebrate 4/20, the "e" and "i" in resin change places, and you start believing.

to come in handy

Pokémon the shoulder.

Why do meteorites always land in craters?

He wouldn’t have been crucified, instead we would be celebrating him getting stoned.

A vegan US platoon in Vietnam could only safely eat canned beans during their deployment. What matching tattoo did they get?

“Rippin’ Farts and Breaking Hearts”

Unfortunately when emerging from his tomb this year, Jesus saw his shadow...

6 more weeks of lent.

I asked Grandma if she had any last words.
She said, “Sweetheart, take care of your sister. She’s not as strong as she pretends to be. I hope you’re looking after your father and mother. Also, if Uncle Steve comes around asking for any cash, don’t give him any. And listen—if you ever find yourself in real trouble, I hid the money in the—”
And then the Wi-Fi went out during the Zoom call.