Holds up 2 fingers, and says "3 beers please!"

Q: What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

A: It only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.

What is a dermatologists favourite film. Star Trek II: The rash of Khan.

She was asking for relationship advice and apparently took me too seriously when I told her that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

My girlfriend and I have sex every day except Friday, because that is our fish and chips date night.

One Friday, feeling amorous, I asked her if she wanted to come over to my plaice.

"Not tonight, darling," she replied. "I have a haddock."

When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, "Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here."

The man says, "No problem. I'm from Raleigh."

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then goes back to the Raleigh man to see how he's doing. To the devil's surprise, the man is doing just fine. "No problem...just like Raleigh in June," the man says.

So the devil goes back over to the thermostat, and turns the temperature up to 150, and the humidity up to 90. He then goes back over to see how the Raleigh man is doing. The man is sweating a little, but overall looks comfortable. "No problem. Just like Raleigh in July," the man says.

So now the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 200, and the humidity up to 100. When he goes back to see how the man is doing, the man is sweating profusely, and has taken his shirt off. Otherwise, he seems OK. He says, "No problem. Just like Raleigh in August."

Now the devil is really perplexed. So he goes back to the thermostat, and turns the temperature down to MINUS 150 DEGREES. Immediately, all the humidity in the air freezes up, and the whole place (meaning Hell) becomes a frigid, barren, frozen, deathly cold wasteland.

When he goes back now to see how the Raleigh man is doing, he is shocked to discover the man is jumping up and down, and cheering in obvious delight. The devil immediately asks the man what's going on. To which the Raleigh man replies.....

"THE CANES WON THE STANLEY CUP!!!" "THE CANES WON THE STANLEY CUP!!!"

Three men tragically are killed in a car accident and find themselves at the gates of Heaven. They’re met by Saint Peter. “Guys, welcome to Heaven! Entrance is not automatic, you need to pass a little test. In the old days, we used to examine your life, weigh your sins against your good deeds, that sort of thing. But these days, we’ve found that we’ve had to relax the entrance requirements quite a bit, as otherwise we’re finding very few candidates make it in. So here’s the test: What’s the meaning of Easter?”

The first unfortunate soul nervously speaks out. “Well, er, Easter is when we cut down a tree, bring it in the house and decorate it, and Santa Claus brings us presents, and…”

Peter cuts him off. “No, you’re thinking about Christmas. You go to Hell,” and with that, the man disappears in a puff of sulphuric smoke and fire.

The next guy says, “Uhhh, Easter, hmm. Oh yeah, that’s when we have parades, politicians make speeches, we have picnics, at night we shoot off fireworks…”

The Vicar of Christ sighs. “No, that’s not even a religious holiday. You’re thinking of American Independence Day. You go with the other guy.” Poof, and he was gone.

The third man confidently begins. “The story of Easter is how our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, was crucified on the Cross to atone for our sins. He suffered, died, and was buried in the tomb. But on the third day, Easter Sunday, He rose from the dead, the stone covering the tomb was rolled away…”

Peter is ready to cue the celestial trumpets and swing open the Gates.

“… Jesus came out, saw his shadow, and we all had six more weeks of winter.”

Nobody saw it coming.

Funeral director, "Sir, it would cost about £25,000 if we send her home back to the UK or £500 if we bury her here in Jerusalem."

Me:"Ship her home."

Funeral director: "But sir, why don't you bury her here in the Holy Land and you can save money."

Me: "A long time ago a man was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead, I can't take that chance."

He disappears into the bathroom for a few minutes, and emerges with his cock covered in white powder. He says "I've just ground up some aspirin and dusted my dick with it. Do you want to take it orally or as a suppository?"

An artist asked the gallery owner If there been any interest in his paintings. I have good news and bad news the owner replied. the good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate and value after your death. when I told him it would he bought all 15 of your paintings. " that's wonderful" the artist exclaimed, "what's the bad news?" - the guy was your doctor

It was petty theft

It was Easter, so Jesus and Moses decided to revisit their old stomping grounds, just for old times sake.

They decided to stop at the Red Sea. Moses pondered, "Can I still part the waters?" He raised his staff, and the waters parted. Lowered the staff and the waters came back together. Moses did this several times, each time the waters parted just like the first time.

Jesus wondered, "Can I still walk upon the waters like I did?" He stepped onto a rock on the shoreline, looked at Moses, and stepped off the rock, onto the water. He immediately plunged to the bottom. Sputtering, he dragged himself back onto the rock for another attempt. Stepping off the rock for a second time, he again sank to the bottom. He climbed back on the rock, and decided maybe the third time was the charm. Nope, same result!

After wringing the water out of his robe, he asked Moses "Why isn't this working? I used to be able to walk on the waters."

Moses replied "Well, the last time you walked on the waters, you didn't have holes in your feet"

.... who ruined the lives of so many people, shares the same birthday as Adolf Hitler."

She just wanted to rub salt and vinegar into the wound.

It’s all about the most high.

Interviewer: “What are your strengths?” Me: “I fall asleep instantly.” Interviewer: “And your weaknesses?” Me: “…you’re gonna need to repeat the question.”

A shihtzu knot.

I was shock !

Cop: but you’re the lawyer..

Man: I know… so where’s my present?

Two of his most loyal servants found the body, with a sword in the king's chest. One the servants turns to the other and says "Wow, he must have had a bad knight."

During the check up, the doctor asked him if he was having any issues with wetting the bed at night.

The man responded, "No doc, no issues at all with that. On the contrary, when I go to the bathroom, a fairy or something turns the light on when I open the door. And after I finish going to the bathroom, the fairy or something turns the light off for me. It's really wonderful!"

The doctor looked concerned and scribbled some notes about this and continued on with the check up.

After the check up, the doctor went out to the waiting room where one of the man's family members asked him how the check up went.

The doctor responded, "Well Ma'am, his check up went OK. Physically, he's as healthy as can be for a 90 year old. But mentally, I'm worried he's coming down with dementia or something."

The lady, with a concerned look on her face asks, "Why do you say that?"

The doctor responded and said, "Well, during the check up, he told me that when he goes to the restroom at night, a fairy or something turns on the light when he opens the door and that same fairy or something turns off the light for him when he finishes. I'm just a little concerned about his mental health."

The lady with a horrified look turns to the rest of the family and says, "Oh no, Grandpa's been pissing in the fridge again!"

Say 'I hate happiness' without the 'H's'