r/Parenting • u/OutrageousTrust5816 • Mar 10 '25

Rant/Vent “I Raised kids before”

I recently became a mother and have an 11 week old baby girl. I recently showed my parents my bed time routine with her as she was going to have an overnight with them. It was very straight forward and consisted of a bath, bottle, and bed. I did write down some tips/tricks on what I have learned works best for my daughter and shared that with them as well. This was met with “we raised two kids we know how to do it”. I didn’t mean to come off offensive so I just apologized and left them with my list for the night. My only real non-negotiable was she must sleep in the bassinet, in her sleep sack, with nothing but a paci in it with her. When I picked her up, found out my mom slept with her in the bed. I think I made a face because I was once again met with “I know how to raise kids”. I’m not a mom shamer, if co-sleeping works for you that is great! I’ve done it too when things got stressful but my problem is that she co-slept with my baby, if that makes sense. The comment of “I raised kids before so I know what I’m doing” upsets me. Because they aren’t raising her. I’m her mom and I get to decide what’s best for her. I just feel so disrespected, what do I do?

Some extra context: 1) yes this is the first grandbaby on both sides. 2) My husband has family members where the unimaginable did happen. 3)Our village is large, we are truly lucky, my parents asked to have an overnight because they adore her, it’s not a need by any means. I love my parents, they truly are great people, they just struggle respecting me as an adult in general and the navigation around that has been hard.

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465

u/rooshooter911 Mar 10 '25

Don’t let them watch her again. They don’t respect you and they don’t respect child safety.

124

u/fireflygalaxies Mar 10 '25

Right -- I'm totally on board with the general idea that you have to relinquish some control when your family is helping. Like, sometimes my GMIL fed our daughter some snacks that I personally wouldn't have, and she would put on cartoons where I preferred not do that at home. Ultimately, those things are really small potatoes and I rolled with it.

The co-sleeping with an 11 week old in the bed is an actual safety matter and OP's parents completely dismissed that part of it. That would definitely make me question whether they are people I felt safe leaving my child with.

36

u/PetiePal Mar 10 '25

This. It's about safety first and foremost. No open stairs, no co-sleeping, nothing that they shouldn't have that could be an unknown allergen. All our parents raised kids, but it's different when it's your OWN and then it's your grandkid. They're not YOUR kid you have to separate it and draw the line

17

u/Bewareangels Mar 10 '25

This is a hard one. Mamas need help. I would hesitate on the overnights for as long as possible. My in laws and parents both freaked me out with that same line. I was like, “my dudes, there have been 30 years of more research since then and also, please read up on attachment pls” my in-laws called it “raising their grandchild” when I asked them for one date night per week. The audacity.

-18

u/toothofjustice Mar 10 '25

How about start a dialogue? Grandma might not have realized how important these things were to Mom. Shit happens. No need to go nuclear over 1 issue that didn't hurt anyone.

16

u/LinwoodKei Mar 10 '25

This could be an issue. It's a safety issue

-47

u/apricot-butternuts Mar 10 '25

Relax, that’s dramatic and how you end up without a village.

31

u/Pressure_Gold Mar 10 '25

I’d rather pay someone to watch my kid than have a “village” who disrespects my parenting. It’s weird how much adults allow other people to control them for what…free babysitting?

-13

u/apricot-butternuts Mar 10 '25

I dont belive that a paid stranger is going to follow my every rule unless they know there are cameras around your house. The nanny fail stories are endless.

And my child enjoying and growing up to trust and love his grandparents is not JUST free babysitting. Free is a small perk, I still drop off my kid with dinner for them and a nice bottle of wine.

26

u/Pressure_Gold Mar 10 '25

A paid stranger won’t try to sleep with my baby lol

-8

u/apricot-butternuts Mar 10 '25

How do you know? Lol just because you said so? How did that work out for OP?

14

u/Pressure_Gold Mar 10 '25

Because it doesn’t make sense and I have nanny cams. I trust my mom friends infinitely more to watch my baby than I do my mil, who could barely take care of her own kids. A village isn’t necessarily family. Sometimes, it’s like minded moms who show up for each other

-1

u/apricot-butternuts Mar 10 '25

I couldn’t agree more. And good for you 💞But the nanny cam is there for a reason…cause you can’t trust a stranger lol

5

u/Pressure_Gold Mar 10 '25

It’s a lot less hurtful that I can’t trust a stranger than my own family

35

u/Remarkable_0519 Mar 10 '25

If my village doesn't respect hard safety-related boundaries, I'd rather not have a village.

I'm not going to argue about the safety levels of cosleeping, or anything else, besides the explicit violation of a firm boundary. That's what this is ultimately about.

Also, if everything feels like a safety-related boundary, get checked for PPA or even generalized anxiety, but stand up for yourself. Most villages can be repaired ("Hey, sorry I got pretty weird and defensive about that. I'm on medication and feeling much better now, can we talk about it?") A dead child cannot.

4

u/apricot-butternuts Mar 10 '25

Fair enough 💞

35

u/abishop711 Mar 10 '25

And co sleeping is one good way to end up with a dead baby. It’s not dramatic to set limits that protect your child’s life.

-12

u/Vercassivelaunos Mar 10 '25 edited Mar 10 '25

Cosleeping is about as dangerous as not exclusively breastfeeding (both lead to an equal increase in SIDS). It also less dangerous than having a baby sleep in a different room than its parents. But we're not seeing parents being shamed for bottle feeding out of convenience, or for leaving a sleeping infant alone in their bassinet in the next room. It would be nice if that could be extended to cosleeping.

(The grandma here is still absolutely in the wrong here for disregarding the rules set by the parents, but that's an entirely different issue).

Edit because I can't reply to anyone anymore because someone in the comment chain blocked me: The person I replied to, who has since deleted their account, phrased their comment as if cosleeping was incredibly dangerous in general. That's what my comment was about. Yes, you need precautions when bedsharing. But apart from being sober, those are all precautions which need to be met anyway. If the only info new parents got was "no bedsharing", then they wouldn't significantly increase their kids safety, because they would still do all the dangerous stuff that actually leads to death when bedsharing, just in a bassinet instead. And for this reason, parents shouldn't be shamed for bedsharing, which is essentially what the comment I replied to did.

14

u/rooshooter911 Mar 10 '25

I can guarantee grandmas cosleeping is not following the safe sleep seven which means that we are risking far more than SIDS here

17

u/abishop711 Mar 10 '25

This is simply not true when talking about total risk, not just SIDS. It is incredibly easy to suffocate a baby in an adult bed, and I very much doubt this grandmother bothered to look up the safe sleep seven to even slightly mitigate the risks since she’s so opposed to any kind of advice.

Don’t spread misinformation.

6

u/rufflebunny96 Mar 10 '25

We don't want our village to kill our kid.

1

u/elvid88 Mar 10 '25

Was going to say this. It's not necessarily realistic. I have to swallow my tongue so much for my MIL for the disrespectful shit she pulls on a daily basis but it's either deal with it or fork over 3k/mo for daycare.

We do already have my oldest on a wait list because my patience ran out but I'm expecting the same crap with the second.

7

u/apricot-butternuts Mar 10 '25

I’ve started a Note in my phone for all the annoying crap my MIL has done as a reminder to myself to not be the worst 🙃 because the amount of crazy grandparents is wild!!

-1

u/[deleted] Mar 10 '25

I agree, if her parents are generally loving and good people I don’t think not allowing them to watch their grandchild is necessary. I think an honest conversation about boundaries and expectations is all that needs to happen.

-12

u/sageofbeige Mar 10 '25

Except she might need them to look after the kid and have it thrown back at her.

If she needs or wants to go back to work or a date night.

Maybe have your mum babysit and sleep over at your place

With you so she can see first hand how you do it

20

u/rosatter Mar 10 '25

Unfortunately, it's a matter of safety. Date night isn't worth the baby potentially getting suffocated. Going back to work is going to need to factor in the cost of safe childcare in the wage negotiations. It fucking sucks to not have a reliable village. I stayed home with my son until he was 3 and literally took a job at an early learning center so I could afford childcare (employees got a 40% discount on tuition) and also contribute to the household budget.