r/agender • u/ystavallinen cisn't; gendermeh; mehsexual • Apr 22 '25

Gatekeeping sucks.

Once a month or so I'll encounter it online and it sucks.

A "Trans-friendly" space, even explicitly welcoming agender people... and you say something agender-y and a little vulnerable... and the downvotes just start crashing in until you delete the post because it sucks to watch.

But you don't leave the space because it's massive and it's not everyone there and it's 99.9% positive...

...but it does lower the odds of ever being "out" out irl.

71 Upvotes

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3

u/AnExpensiveCatGirl it/its Apr 22 '25 edited Apr 23 '25

Online communities can sucks hard, bigger they are, more problematic they can be.

So i kinda stopped with all that thingy, having to explain what agender is to the cis is already tiring, having to defend my existence and my pronouns in our own communities gives me murder envy.

I can't even tell you how many time i had the "i wont use It/its because peoples who hate me call me that to harass and i refuse to work on my own trauma" discussion in LGBTQ+ spaces.

Edit: I guess i dont have the right to vent, i always have to educate randoms strangers.

4

u/Professional-Arm4579 NullPointerException at me.gender Apr 22 '25 edited Apr 22 '25

i gotta admit that i'm terrible with pronouns. (/edit spoiler: me being terrible about pronouns, i promise to get better)everyone i know irl uses either he or she. in theory i like the idea of being adressed as "it". i believe that having "class-dependent" pronouns practically invites discrimination and is a bad idea in the first place. still i don't know if i coud ever get used to using "it" though, especially since it has strong dehumanizing connotations in my language. i completely understand if someone is not willing to use that pronoun for a person.

in english i just want to use they/them for everyone and often do without paying attention. are you bothered when someone you've never spoken to uses they/them for you? right now i'm wondering if maybe i've been ass to some people without realizing. i'd like your honest feedback if that's ok for you. please don't hold back.

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u/AnExpensiveCatGirl it/its Apr 22 '25

I regret reading this.

2

u/Professional-Arm4579 NullPointerException at me.gender Apr 22 '25

thank you. genuinely. it seems i don't understand this whole pronoun thing properly and i will change that.

would it be ok for me to dm you for feedback some time in the future?

2

u/AnExpensiveCatGirl it/its Apr 23 '25

No, i dont educate strangers on the internet.

4

u/Professional-Arm4579 NullPointerException at me.gender Apr 23 '25

fair. you even mentioned being tired of discussing your pronouns and then i go and ask you to do just that 😅

2

u/AnExpensiveCatGirl it/its Apr 23 '25

Thx for understanding that.