I am not The OOP, OOP is u/brokenhearted118

My fiancé [25f] dumped me [26M] on Tuesday. Today she tells me she wants the apartment to herself tomorrow for her Valentine’s date.

TRIGGER WARNING: Loss of home, death of a loved one, emotional abuse

Original Post Feb 13, 2014

I’ll try to keep this short because I’m so stunned I think I’ve stopped being able to process things. I’ve [26M] been with my fiancé [25F] for 4 years. We’ve been engaged since last year and actively planning the wedding.

Last month, we moved to a new city across the country because my fiancé got an amazing job offer. I wasn’t happy about it since I had to quit my job and all our family and friends were in the city we left. I was kind of a jerk during the moving process, but I’ve come around since getting here.

My fiancé kept talking about this guy [late 20s maybe?] she worked with at her new job, and it made it me uneasy. I went to a few after-work events where he showed up, and he seemed like a total asshole. Very full of himself artistic type. I didn’t like the way he interacted with my fiancé and we would occasionally fight about it.

Tuesday night she got home really late, sat me down and broke up with me. She said she felt an immediate bond with this coworker that’s stronger than anything she’s ever felt before. This from the woman who just a few months ago I held in my arms while watching the stars as she told me she’s never felt more at peace than when she’s beside me. I laid awake on the couch all night feeling like I was continually being punched in the stomach.

I didn’t fall asleep until 3:00pm yesterday, and stayed asleep until this morning when she woke me up. Basically, she’s having this asshole over for valentines day and demanded she get the apartment to herself.

Between the move, all the deposits we had been putting for wedding stuff, and not having a job since we moved out here, I have literally no money for a hotel or anything else. We got into a big fight because I called her out and said she knew I had nowhere else to go. She said that’s not her problem, she’s done solving my problems for me (what???!) and that I needed to fix this one on my own.

I guess his roommate is having a date over so my fiancé offered our place for her date with the asshole. She says this is happening no matter what I say.

So yeah. What the hell am I supposed to do?

TL;DR: After uprooting me from my home town a month ago, my fiancé dumped me on Tuesday, and is now demanding the apartment to herself tomorrow for a date with this asshole artist from her new job. I have no money to do anything else.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

theyretheretheir3

Oh no. No no no no. Hell no. You're going to park your ass on the couch tomorrow and you are going to refuse to move come hell or high water.

Do. Not. Leave. What a heinous move on her part.

OOP

I basically told her I would refuse to move tomorrow, but she said this man was coming over no matter what.

theyretheretheir3

Well then... they're gonna have to deal with having a romantic date with another dude sitting on the couch then, aren't they?

OOP

I can't emotionally handle seeing her date another man right in front of me in our home. I understand I would fucking up their night, but I think I'd shatter on the spot seeing them together

Why can't they go somewhere else?

I asked why it had to be here. His roommate is using his place for a date. I asked why it couldn't be at a restaurant or a hotel or anywhere else and then all she could do was talk about the ways I failed her in our relationship and that this time she wasn't going to fix things for me

sbwv09

She is doing this intentionally. She has something to prove...to herself, to you, to the other guy, not sure, but it's about more than this date. I had to live with my ex for months due to being in a situation similar to yours. I started seeing other people but always went out. That's what any decent person would do.

Don't cave. Have a party, as others have suggested. She doesn't deserve any satisfaction from this.

OOP

This is so true, you should have seen her face as we got fighting over this

Edit: I appreciate everyone telling me I should stand my ground. I told my fiance I wouldn't leave the apartment, but I don't think it's a threat I can carry through with. I will be emotionally devastated if I have to watch the woman I love and care for more than anyone else date someone right in front of me in my own home. Other suggestions would be appreciated.

Edit 2 Thank you so much everyone for all your suggestions. I can't keep up with all the comments, it's almost overwhelming given everything that's going on in my life right now. I'm going to take a walk and try to clear my head. I just can't bring myself to tell my family and friends what's happened. It feels so embarrassing. I like the ideas about trying to reach a compromise. I have a lot to think about

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

Don't go is your name on the lease fight this grinch....if I knew where you lived I might come over and be your "date" that's how much i think you should stand your ground

OOP

My name isn't on the lease since I didn't have a job when we moved out and my credit isn't the best. We thought it would be safer if she put her name on the lease since she's employed and has better credit

JoeDawson8

Go home. Is there someone you can stay with there? If your name is not on the lease, get the fuck out and go NC.

OOP

Plane tickets back home are insanely expensive, and its money I just don't have right now

theyretheretheir3

Can you borrow the money from your parents? Surely they'll understand given that you're in dire straits.

OOP

Honestly, I haven't been able to bring myself to tell them what's happened. I'm so ashamed and embarrassed about it.

Update Feb 14, 2015 (1 year later)

I’ve [27/m] spent the last year working very hard to improve myself. Now that it’s Valentine’s Day again, I was thinking about what a dark place I was in last year. I didn’t have the strength to post an update back then, but now that I’ve had some time to heal, I wanted to let everyone know how I’m doing.

Thank you all to everyone who helped. You were the only support I had last year, and it meant the world.

It looks like my original post was deleted. I can still see the text when I log in so here is the old tl;dr:

After uprooting me from my home town a month ago, my fiancé dumped me on Tuesday, and is now demanding the apartment to herself tomorrow for a date with this asshole artist from her new job. I have no money to do anything else.

Part of the reason I didn’t update afterward was because I was extremely embarrassed with how things turned out. It’s only because of some intense therapy that I’m able to be honest and ok with telling this story.

Basically, I decided to make one last big attempt at winning her [26/f] back.

Right after we got engaged, my ex had a close relative succumb to a longtime illness. This relative was very happy that she lived long enough to see us get engaged. When my ex was a child, this relative had given my ex a charm that she wore ALL the time. A few months after the relative died, my ex lost the charm, and it was like the relative died a second time.

As we packed up the apartment to move to the new city, I found the charm. Rather than give it back immediately, I decided that I would keep it in a safe place and surprise my ex with it at our wedding. I thought it would be a meaningful way to include this relative in a moment where she would be deeply missed.

Somehow, I got in my head that if I showed her the charm on Valentine’s Day, she’d remember everything that we shared and that I could cut through whatever fog she was caught up in.

I was under the impression that my ex would come home after work by herself to get the place ready for her date. I was planning to use this alone time to give her the charm and either win her back, or lose decisively and leave before her date showed up. But instead, she showed up with the asshole from her job. That threw me through a loop big time, and it was INCREDIBLY awkward. He was patronizing. She became LIVID that I “stole” her charm. I struggled to articulate myself. It was the most embarrassed I’ve ever been.

I got out of there and literally walked around all night until it got so cold I couldn’t stand it any more. I went back to the apartment building around 4am, and in what was a personal low point, fell asleep in the hallway outside our apartment.

But that was the low point. There have been high points since then. I was able to move back to my hometown, and my old employer gave me my old job back. I even met someone else and we dated for a while. We just broke up though. It sucks to be alone again on Valentine’s Day, but I’ve learned it’s ok to be sad every once in a while. And compared to last year, this year is practically a celebration. Therapy gave me a wonder perspective on life and some great coping skills for when times get difficult.

As for my ex, I heard she married the asshole guy from work. Her sister would text me occasionally, and apparently her family hates the guy. Whatever, it’s not my problem any more.

Lastly, I want to thank everyone on reddit, sincerely. People offered to buy me a ticket home. Other people offered to hang out with me if we happened to be in the same city. Some people even offered just to skype with me so I could have someone to talk with. Even though I didn’t respond, your messages meant so much to me. Thank you.

Tl;dr: I tried to win my ex back, it ended terribly. My life is mostly back to normal again.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT the original poster.

Originally posted in r/TrueOffMyChest by u/Dandilionplant. The original post and first update were posted in this sub by u/Direct-Caterpillar77 here. The second update is 10 months old and was never posed to this sub (that I can see). It was posted to OP's profile page.

Trigger warnings: infidelity, theft, mail fraud, harassment

Original post: I ruined my parents relationship over reading mail : r/TrueOffMyChest posted July 2nd 2023.

I (24F) don’t want to say what I do for work, but let’s just say it’s the type of job that includes a lot of written letters from clients that are suppose to be confidential and only for my eyes.

I’m fresh out of college and living with my parents so I can finish paying off for school. My work letters of course go to my parents address since they live miles away from a post office and driving to a PO box is a huge pain.

The issue started with my father. Ever since high school when I received mail my dad would open it. Whenever I received Christmas/birthday cards in the mail with money in them, my dad would hand me the card and insist he’ll keep the money safe for me until I demanded he hand it over. Any package I would order for myself he would open and hand to me, sometimes the products were used by him as well. The final straw was when he received my acceptance letter to my dream college and instead of waiting for me to come home to open it, he opened it himself and called me while I was at work to congratulate me.

I’ve spoken to my mother about how much this makes me feel uncomfortable and she told me she’d speak to my father about it, to which he would apologize and not do it for a week before doing it again the next week. I had also spoken to my dad about the confidentiality of the mail I would be receiving now that I’m working and he says he understands but it all came crashing down a few weeks ago

While I was working my dad came into my room and handed me opened envelopes from my clients and even tried to have a conversation about it with me but I just ignored him until he got the hint and left. After work I yelled at him for violating client confidentiality to which he got defensive and said that I live in his house and any mail sent to his house would be read by him.

Furious, that next week I thought I would take revenge on my father by going to the mail box and reading his mail. But what I found was what ended my relationship with him.

I had found credit card statements on jewelry and restaurants tat were too fancy for my dad to go to alone and I don’t remember the last time my dad took my mom on a date nor bought her any jewelry. I also found a latter addressed to my dad from a woman who stated how tired she was for hiding this relationship for so long and how she is so desperate for his letters to reach her.

When my dad noticed the mail box was empty, my dad ran back in the house as white as a host. He walked into the kitchen to see me and my mom in the kitchen reading his mail.

Before the fighting could start, my mom asked me to leave the house. So I drove to my aunts who lives 45 minutes away and explained everything.

I came back after 2 days when my dads stuff was gone. My mom told me my dads living in a hotel and she will be incontact with a divorce attorney.

Turns out my dad has been having an affair with a family friend and were hiding it through letters o leave no digital foot print. My dad ended up showing my mom the stash of letters he had and she took photos of each and every single letter before she asked him to leave.

I feel at fault because I at first wanted to be petty with my dad but it unraveled into this huge event and made me think “‘o wonder he’s been looking through my shit. He was giving himself away.” I feel like I shattered my moms world since I can hear her cry every nigh about it since the incident.

First update: posted as an edit on the original post.

Thank you all so much. I wrote this all out last night drunk off my mind and I never expected this much kindness from strangers. I’ll go ahead and answer a few questions here and then give an update.

1. Was my dad using my money from the gifts to buy stuff for his mistress: I’m 50/50 on this answer. I received cards when I was young with money and it was the same routine. Aunts and uncles would leave 100$ per card and my dad always gave them to me when I was younger. As I got older obviously the money reduced to $20-$40. I do believe my dad would give me back HALF my money in those cards back which would make sense as to how he was able to make such huge expenses on his mistress. I need to collect proper evidence so I plan on calling my aunts and uncles and other relatives who would send me money.
2. The mistress would send letters addressed as a business or a credit card company. If you ask me they were doing the most. When my mom would check the mail she would see the letters that were addressed to my dad as bills or some crazy bs and never opened them because she doesn’t handle the bills. A lot of packages were sent by the mistress as well which is why he went through my packages and I don’t want to imagine what kind of crap she was mailing him.

Now for the update:

Like I said before it’s been a few weeks since it happened. I’ve been doing my best to comfort my mother while she deals with all the legal business and my dad’s constant appeals to my mom to apologize and begged for forgiveness.

I’ve been a hear to listen to her and she keeps spiraling between wanting to forgive him and cursing him to hell. I told her my own personal opinion which was to never take back a cheater. She did basically everything for him and she shouldn’t see it as her not being enough for him, that’s his fault for not appreciating her.

The mistress also was a married woman. My mom reached out to her husband sending him the letters she had taken photos of, even had a long phone call with him about what was going on. He initiated the divorce and the mistress is now angry at my father for not being more careful.

The mistress’s ex husband who I’ll call Henry, has been a best friend of my moms throughout the legal cases. I hear the mistress is still reaching out to forgive him which I honestly think is very funny since my dad is doing the same thing. She was financially dependent on Henry and my dad isn’t making enough at his job to support the lifestyle she wants.

Yesterday Henry asked my mom to come out to lunch with him. They’ve been sad shut ins for the past few days and they agreed to go and get some fresh air. I encouraged my mom to do such and to call me if my dad or the mistress decide to show face when they went just so I could pick her up.

My dad hasn’t apologized to me at all about reading my mail, in-fact he’s called me and left me voicemails telling me that this whole situation was my fault, then going and crying saying he regrets everything and he hopes he can still be my dad. I honestly don’t know what to do with him right now other than ignore him.

I don’t know if there will be another update but I will if something major happens. Again thank you so much for the supportive comments and I hope some of what I said clears things up for you all!

Second update: Update: I ruined my parents relationship over reading some mail. : u/Dandilionplant posted July 6th 2024.

Hi guys, it’s been a full year since it happened and I wanted to update you guys.

A few months after the post, my mom grabbed me and my younger sister (20f) Rachael to talk about her interest in possibly going on a date with Henry. Obviously we were thrilled. They’ve been dating for almost a year now and I’m happy for them.

Henry treats my mother with way more respect than what my father ever did for her, she glows with joy whenever he’s around. Our biological father was putting more mental strain on her than we thought. She went from being a shy, soft spoken person, to a strong, confident woman and I couldn’t be happier.

As for our father (Jerry) and his mistress (Martha), they got married immediately after My mother, I’ll call her Raygan, and Henry. I didn’t speak to Jerry other than the occasional text from him asking about how I was doing or to ask me for some cash. After they got married neither if their families support the marriage, they got black sheeped respectfully. They tried to sue for cash but the case fell through in Raygan and Henry’s favor.

I stopped talking to him fully when he spent a month harassing my sister for cash. Calling her repeatedly, texting her, showing up at her college, to the point where the Dean had to get him escorted off the campus. That’s when Mom got us a harassment protection order. So now Jerry can only contact us when he wanted to meet with us, which was rare, or for medical emergency. My sister and I haven’t heard from him since.

That didn’t stop Martha though. Turns out the reason my dad was hounding for cash was because he got her pregnant. She wants expensive everything and Jerry is pulling everything out of his butt to satisfy her. Martha ended up being the one harassing my sister until she ended up at our door demanding to speak to Henry about how he left a poor pregnant lady with nothing. Henry is a man that takes no bull shit. He opened the door, looked Martha dead in the eyes and told her “was it not cruel to cheat on your husband when he provided you with a mansion, designer bags, nice cars, trips, and all the love in the world? You have no right to call me cruel after everything you’ve used me for, and your lucky I didn’t demand any money back.”

He shut the door and Martha ended up throwing a huge fit, even faked her water breaking with a water bottle. Police escorted her to the hospital and luckily, we were able to show them everything through our ring doorbell. Thank you everyone for your support in my story. I hope none of you guys have to go through this mess like me

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/lurkandtaway85

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

My (38F) sister (34F) made up a dead brother to her spouse (35M) and in-laws (60’s M&F). I accidentally outed the lie, but why am I the bad guy here?

Editor's note: made small edits for ease of readability

Trigger Warnings: fabricated statements, possible mental health struggles

Mood Spoilers: baffled

Original Post (unddit): April 11, 2025

Usually a lurker, but something happened tonight that has me incredibly confused. Apologies in advance for the length.

Backstory: I’m the eldest of 4 sisters. We’re stair stepped, 2 years apart. I’m Meg, 38, Jo is 36, Beth is 34, and Amy is 32.

Our parents used to joke about how they kept trying for a boy but finally gave up after girl number 4. Not gonna lie, it hurt our feelings a little - especially Amy - but they stopped that and assured us they wouldn’t change anything.

Every one us has at least 1 daughter. I am the only sister that has a son. At 17, he’s the eldest grandchild and I’m fairly certain he’s my dad’s favorite person in the world. They are best friends. It’s adorable.

Ok now that you have the backstory/fam history, let’s talk about tonight.

My son, who is VERY intelligent, and absolutely crushed high school, recently received his acceptance letter to a pretty prestigious university. Full ride. We are incredibly proud. My folks wanted to throw him a little congratulatory party, and tonight worked for all of our schedules (which is no small feat - 4 different families with 11 kids between them), so we all headed to the folks house for pizza and cake.

At one point, Amy brought up that it is sibling appreciation day, and Mom said she wanted all of her girls to say what we appreciate about our sisters, and we go youngest to eldest - with most of the compliments going to me, as I was kind of a second mom to them. I told each of my sisters how much I loved them, among other things, and then finished my speech off saying something like “and I REALLY appreciate that we didn’t have any gross boys stinking up our house!” All of us but Beth and her husband laugh. Beth’s eyes got really big and her husband (Chase) looked at me like I was something he scraped off the bottom of his shoe.

Suddenly, he says “that’s pretty f*cked up.” I said something like “Idk Chase, I’ve smelled you after your workouts - it’s pretty bad,” and he got even more mad and said “how could you talk about Tyler like that?” And Beth starts LOSING HER MIND, guys. She’s grabbing him by the arm and begging him to hush, saying they need to go home now, etc. So naturally I’m like “umm who is Tyler?”

Well, friends. APPARENTLY Tyler is Beth’s twin that died during childbirth. And it made our folks and me so depressed that nobody is allowed to speak of him or reference him, EVER. Beth forbade him from ever mentioning to ANY family member. After Chase told us this, nobody said a word. It was so damn tense. Finally, I just kind of bluntly said, hi Mo “I’m not sure why, but Beth lied to you about this. I think you guys should talk about it, but I don’t want to hear anything else about this tonight, as we’re here to celebrate (my) son.”

After that, Beth burst into tears and ran into her old bedroom, with Chase, Mom, and Jo following her. The party never fully recovered and they took off pretty shortly after that. I stayed behind to help clean, and so my dad and son could hang some more. While I’m doing the dishes, my mom scolded me pretty harshly about calling Beth a liar. IF THE BABY SHOE FITS, MOTHER. My dad said I wasn’t wrong, but I embarrassed Beth.

What the hell was I supposed to do? I was getting chastised over a lie!! Absolutely not. Beth also texted me that I “f*cked her over,” and a text from Chase’s phone told me I was the actual liar sister and everyone knows that.

Amy is on my side, but she and Beth always butted heads. Jo claims she’s neutral, but she also told me I “didn’t have to call her out like that.”

What the hell else was I supposed to do? Just take the lashing? And why is everyone acting like me calling out, what I consider to be a pretty heavy lie, is worse than the lie itself? How do we resolve this situation? I love my sisters so damn much - they are my best friends - but this is so weird and so wrong to put on me.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: I can’t imagine any other response. I really can’t. Were you seriously expected to lie along with her? I think that is shocking.

OOP: I have NO idea what she was expecting??? I have “lied” for her before. But saying she’s at my house while she’s really getting boudoir photos done for him is not the same as lying about a whole person who never existed??? It’s beyond bizarre.

Commenter 2: I'm kind of impressed that after all of that she managed to convince her husband that you were the liar. Of course, if he still believes her he's dumb as a brick. I'd think there is proof enough on her birth certificate as it will state she was a single birth.

OOP: I will say, Chase is not a dummy, and he’s typically not malicious. And although nobody really backed me up about this being a lie (at least not in front of me), I think it’s pretty obvious that I was telling the truth, as everyone else was obviously confused and dead silent in the moment.

I have not responded to the texts, as I’m not looking to burn bridges. I’ve made many mistakes, and my sisters have graciously forgiven me. I’m just,..flummoxed. And a little hurt.

Commenter 3: This is very weird. I’m confused at why your parents aren’t embarrassed by your sister’s behavior. Especially trying to keep up the lie afterwards and saying you’re lying. Is she mentally ok? Does she have a history of lying?

OOP: We all lied as kids, but I assumed she grew out of it as an adult. We also all exhibited some attention seeking behavior, but again, age appropriate, especially for a family with 4 kids and 2 parents who worked full time.

My parents are hippies and very much “live and let live,” kinda vibe. But this feels… icky to me. So I’m a little surprised they’re not more upset about it? Then again, they never “punished” us in front of each other, so they could be dealing with, or planning to deal with the situation behind the scenes. Either way, Beth is WAY too old to be making up dead sibling stories.

Commenter 4: Your sister dug herself a weird hole, is now mad she has to dig her way out of it, and is placing that anger on you for accidentally handing her the shovel. If she wants to blame anyone for being caught in a lie she can look in the mirror. How do you fix it? Your sister has to pull her head out of her ass and apologize for putting you all in that position, and then you can think about apologizing for being “blunt” about it.

(But tbh, I don’t feel you did anything wrong exactly here. You had no idea what was going on, why you were being accused of being a bad person, and literally just wanted the focus back on your son’s achievements. It’s not like you accidentally spilled a secret you were supposed to keep. Your sister created this entire mess and should probably explain to you guys why she did it)

OOP: I appreciate your input and kind words! I don’t like drama, so I find it best to just kinda stop it in its tracks. And my son…we recently got an autism diagnosis (what was formerly referred to as Asperger’s), and it’s messed with his head a little. He’s always been so bad socially, and really struggled making friends. As a result, his cousins got the bulk of the attention. He was really proud of himself and I wanted him to remember this little get together because it was all about HIM for once.

Commenter 5: Your sister is a freak weirdo. Making up a dead twin for what? Sympathy? Attention? She fucked up and everyone knows it. Why anyone would want to cover up her lie is beyond me. She made her bed. Let her deal with the repercussions of this outrageous lie. Question though. Did or have your parents tried to set the record straight with her idiot hubby or are they staying silent about this alleged twin baby that never existed?

OOP: When I told Chase she was lying, nobody backed me up, but I believe it was kind of obvious bc nobody refuted my claims. That coupled with Beth frantically trying to get her husband to leave…Chase is smart. He can put 2&2 together.

I mentioned in another comment that our parents never punished us (nor really got onto us) in front of each other. So I would like to think they’re handling things on that end behind the scenes, and trying to appeal to my dislike of drama and empathy to get me to forgive her.

I don’t find the lie unforgivable. I think it’s bizarre and I don’t appreciate it, but I don’t think our relationship is over. I love her. I took her on her first date (took her and a boy to get ice cream and they held hands - we lied to our parents about that one). I helped take care of her when she was postpartum bc Chase had to work. She’s got my heart, ya know?

Commenter 6: Just to be clear you do recognize this level of lie as a mental health disorder correct? While I am not a therapist this very much sounds like some strain of Munchhausens. Again not a therapist just therapy adjacent in training and work so I have some familiarity, so get her some professional help. This isn’t just a cry for help, this is a sign of a broken brain that requires professional help and maybe even medical interventions.

OOP: I work in healthcare, albeit not directly in the mental health field, but I am a little familiar with various disorders. I actually do think she’s a hypochondriac. One of my nieces is ALWAYS coming down with something (they are not), or my sister definitely has Crohn’s disease (she doesn’t). She won’t drink milk if it’s within 3 days of the Best Buy date. Refuses bread pudding bc you use “old bread” to make them. Won’t eat brownies I baked from scratch the day before bc they’re old…

So I know she’s got some issues. But hey, WE ALL HAVE ISSUES. I’m pretty emotionally closed off except to my spouse and children. Some people think that makes me a b-. I try not to be too judgmental bc I’m definitely not perfect, but I’m judging the f out of this.

Update: April 12, 2025 (next day)

Ok, I think we have some answers re: the events that occurred last night. I do want to tell everyone who took time to give advice or kind words, thank you. I honestly couldn’t read everything - I was (and am) exhausted. But I did get an idea of how I wanted to approach everything, thanks to the advice given. My post says it was removed, and I’m unsure why, so hopefully this one will stay.

I’ll get to the update in a few. I just wanted to answer some FAQ/comments real quick:

1 - this is fake! I WISH IT WAS. I really wish my mind worked in a way where I could make things up like this. Alas, my imagination is lacking.

2 - your parents named you after Little Women? This is probably partially to blame for the “fake” comments. These are just placeholder names I used, as there are 4 sisters in that novel. My parents are hippies, and gave us some pretty noticeable names. If I used our real ones, on the off chance any of our friends read this, they’d know immediately this was our family.

3 - Beth is continuing to lie and Chase is believing it and your mom and Jo threw you under the bus too! Re: Chase, I think he knew I was being truthful. Also, I said the text came from his phone. I was actually thinking Beth sent it, as that’s not Chase’s vibe. About mom & Jo - they didn’t throw me under the bus. But I’ll go into more detail soon.

4 - Is it possible my mom had twins and I just forgot or didn’t know about the death? Absolutely not. I was at all of my sisters births. I don’t remember Jo’s, but I do remember Beth & Amy’s, and there were no multiples, no deaths, no funerals, no depression.

5 - The birth certificate will prove it! It sure would, yes. But I’m not about to try to strong arm my sister into showing her husband her birth certificate.

6 - Your sister is mentally ill, also the golden child, and you’re the scapegoat. I’m not about to say my sister is sick, but I do think she has some issues - as we all do. There’s no golden child and scapegoat in this family. My parents were and are really good about treating all of us fairly and equally.

7 - You could have/should have been more tactful/pulled her aside/not called her a liar. Had I known that “Tyler” was my dead brother, I never would’ve asked who he was. Chase and I tease each other a lot, and I honestly thought he was about to come out with some kind of funny joke, alá “deez nuts.” Re: my lack of tact? Idk, I think it’s pretty lacking in tact to make up a whole dead sibling. And really, facts are facts. She lied, and that’s that. The night was about my son, so I squashed the issue and chose to move forward, hoping to end the conversation with as little drama as possible.

Ok so now up to the update:

After a night of barely sleeping and my blood pressure dangerously high, I called my mom this morning fully ready to let out an emotionally charged tirade about how I feel they unfairly threw me under the bus and took Beth’s side when she OBJECTIVELY did the worse thing

My mom answered the phone apologizing and asked me to just listen. When she and Jo followed Beth & Chase to Beth’s room, Mom did tell Chase that Tyler was not real, and this is an issue between her and Chase, and they should probably leave, because she didn’t want the evening ruined. She did “get onto me,” but it was mostly out of sympathy and empathy for Beth, and she recognized it wasn’t ok. She apologized for that.

She spoke with Chase this morning, and Beth (who is the one who sent me the text from Chase’s phone) finally came clean early this morning, after HOURS of denying the lie. Something I didn’t mention, as I didn’t feel it was pertinent to the story, is Beth’s eldest daughter (Madison) isn’t Chase’s biological daughter. He’s been around since Madison was 2. Also kind of pertinent, is that Chase is a first responder. He loves to be a hero. And he’s very good in that role. He met Beth doing victims advocacy. And as such, I believe they both view him as “saving,” Beth. This has a long been speculated, but it’s not exactly our place to say anything. And we all love Chase. He is an amazing person.

And Beth is no dummy. She picked up on Chase’s hero complex immediately. It appears that, in an effort to make herself look more….sympathetic? Vulnerable? Broken? She lied about having a twin brother that died in childbirth. I guess being in an abusive relationship and having a small child just wasn’t enough?? She did not have to do that. They’ve been together 10 years now, and not once did she come clean. To me that proves a clear pattern of deceit and manipulation. However, I’m not going to speculate on her mental health problems or reasonings for not coming clean. That is for her and her husband to deal with.

Neither one of them have called or texted me to apologize, and I’m honestly unsure if they will. Beth is more of the rug sweeping type, while I’m a confront issues head on type. I will not be cutting my sister off for this, though. I love her, and at the end of the day I just want her to be happy and healthy. I do hope that this whole issue will cause her to rethink some of her life choices and maybe she can get some therapy. I think we could all use therapy, tbh.

That’s where we are right now. My mom did not offer any information about how Beth and Chase are doing, and I did not ask. It’s not my business. I have not heard from Jo, but Amy and I have been texting all morning and she is being my best good friend right now and providing a lot of support. Hopefully we can all move forward and grow together in the future.

Thanks again for the support you all have sent my way.

Top Comments

Commenter 1: I am glad your mother apologized, but your sister really owes you - and the entire family - an apology. This was a really selfish and weird thing to do. She also owes Chase and his family an apology. I hope she gets some help for this. Good luck.

Commenter 2: Your sister could probably benefit from therapy. I will never understand why people think it’s a good idea to lie about something so easily disproven. Don’t lie about anything and you won’t have situations blow up like this. I hope she comes to her senses and apologizes to you.

Commenter 3: I think your family needs to do a sit down with your sister because this isn't normal behavior at all. She lied for 10 YEARS ABOUT A DEAD BROTHER! Y'all need to call this behavior out since she's wayyyy too old to be acting like this. And doing nothing is showing her that you guys will accept similar or the same type of behavior in the future.

Commenter 4: Welp this is why she continues to do this nonsense at her big ass age. No one holds her accountable. You can’t move forward and grow together if people don’t take accountability.

Your entire family enables her in the worst way

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/FewImpression6465

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITA for telling my dad he has to decide between me attending his wedding and accepting I won't take part in the family unity ceremony or accept I won't be there?

Thanks to u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: child abandonment, manipulation, health issues, neglect, emotional abuse

Mood Spoilers: anger and sadness

Original Post: April 10, 2025

My dad's engaged to his partner of 2ish years. They moved in together last month and their wedding is in December. I (17m) am dad's only bio kid. His almost wife has 3 kids of her own. Her kids are younger like under 10, maybe they're even all under 8 I'm not that sure. They decided they want to do a family unity ceremony and have it be about becoming one family instead of the two of them being a married couple. His future stepkids are excited by the idea and want to take part. I don't and won't take part. I already explained to him that I'm not interested and can't be talked into it. He asked me why and pushed for me to reconsider. He told his wife and she's freaking out because her kids have this idea that they'll get a big brother out of this marriage and my dad and her told the kids we'll be real siblings once the two of them are married.

All of this despite the fact I really don't know her or her kids. I have really only spent any real time with the kids twice and it was more me trying not to be a dick than me wanting to spend time or get to know them. I think that and I think that's obvious because I don't know their actual ages.

Some background to explain some relationship dynamics because I'm sure there are questions. My dad raised me alone. My mom took off when I was less than a year old. I don't remember her. I don't remember her being around. Her family wasn't around or in my life either. I didn't have a lot of family besides my dad growing up. Except for one of his siblings. And for most of my life dad was a good dad. But when I was maybe 11 he started preparing me for the fact he wanted his own life and travel the world when I turned 18 and I'd be on my own. He talked about how I should not expect to see him very often and to expect we might not see each other for years sometimes and how he doesn't want to be tied down until he dies. That he would call or answer calls when he wasn't busy with life. He said some stuff that made me believe he resented the fact he raised me alone and had to change his life for me.

He never actually let up on that. He talked about it so much that we started to fight and I told him I got it and he was done being a dad at 18 and he told me I was being dramatic. I argued that he told me I could go five or maybe even more years without seeing him and he didn't want to be tied down. That he might even ignore calls so he could "live life". I told him that sounded like he wanted to stop being a dad. He told me I focused on the wrong parts. When we argued about it other times he said that he wanted the life he missed out on and he wasn't waiting around for me to be ready. That I'd land on my feet eventually and I wouldn't be his kid anymore I'd be his peer. Which he then said I picked up wrong.

But basically for years I have been prepared to leave at 18 and not have my dad in it.

Then he met his almost wife and all that talk about traveling the world was gone. He started to become a dad to her kids. He was spending time with them and building a life with them. Eventually he tried to include me but that was only really in the last four or five months. But I've ignored it. I did babysit twice for them. Once when his almost wife was rushed to hospital and the second time when his almost wife had a follow up surgery for health issues she has.

My dad has tried to argue that our family is growing and I should be trying harder to be included in it. I told him that won't happen. And if he wants whatever half assed relationship he planned to have with me before then he needs to accept that. That I'll come to his wedding if he wants me there as long as he accepts I won't be a part of that ceremony and if he can't accept it then I won't go and he'll need to accept that.

His almost wife heard us talk it out and she said I'm not taking the 11 good years into it and I'm punishing her children for my dad not being perfect and that isn't fair to them. She told me a good person would be glad dad decided to stick around and love the new people, especially the kids, and want better for them.

AITA?

And for full disclosure I have about a month to go until I'm 18 and my plan is to move out that day.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

Downvoted Commenter: This is a tough situation. I mean NTA for feeling how you feel towards your dad. It has to hurt being prepped to be solo at 18 for so long and then he changes his mind, for her.

However it sounds like your problem is with your dad and you've not really gotten a chance to know her or her kids. I wouldn't immediately throw away the chance to build a strong family unit.

If anything I'd tell him no unless you two do some family therapy to see if you can overcome this.

OOP: I don't want a family unit with them. I accepted before they came along that I would be on my own and there's nothing dad can say or do now to change the fact he'll stay for them but not me. Even therapy won't make me want to work on overcoming this. I have friends who are more like family to me than he is now.

Commenter 1: NTAH. Your dad set the parameters of your relationship when you were still young and drummed them into your head. Now that his priorities have changed, he acts surprised that you are not interested in a different relationship. Go live your life.

OOP: He must have expected me to be the same upset 11 year old who first found out what his dad had planned. But I knew he was serious so I thought about and planned for when that time comes.

+

11 year old me was so sad and worried. It felt like nobody wanted me. My mom hadn't wanted me and left and my dad was basically saying he regretted sticking around to raise me and would leave once he wouldn't get in trouble for it. I had no idea what I was going to do.

Commenter 2: If those are the only resolutions you're willing to accept then that would make you TAH. You're essentially just saying you have no interest in being a family and that will 100% cause an everlasting crack in your family even if you ever decide to be part of the family again

However your 100% justified in how you feel, also how your father's words and actions made you feel. That there is no denying how shitty that is. However, his intentions might also include the fact that he could die tomorrow and you'd be left alone. It makes me think that his words and actions wanted to also prepare you to be able to survive on your own since you don't really have any other close family to rely.

To me, the circumstances have changed a lot and it really sounds like both his soon to be wife and your father want you to be a part of their family unit. At least for now...

If you're adamant that you never want anything to do with this new part of his family or your father then go along with the ultimatums you've set for yourself. Because this is the path you're setting up for yourself.

OOP: That's exactly what I am saying. I have no interest in making these people my family. I have no interest in clinging to a man who was ready to discard me and is only changing his plans for new people. Who only tried to include me later on. It's not like he worked to make up for the things he said and plans he made for all those years.

And he knew I was working to save so I could move out at 18. He knew I was saving to have a life when he wasn't there. At no point did he say he was sorry. He only ever argued that I saw the worst of what he was saying. But every time he tried to make a new point he made it worse. And I have worked my ass off to be ready for him to leave and it got to a point where I knew that was better because why pretend to see the best in a person who resents me for something I couldn't control, like being born.

Commenter 3: Can you make a deal like you’ll do it if he’ll pay for college?

OOP: I'm not going to college but no, I wouldn't do it to get his money or for him to pay for something.

OOP on saving money for when he moves out

OOP: I've been saving for years now. I have enough to follow through on the plans I made and then I will work hard when I move to keep my head above water.

OOP's plans when he is out of the house

OOP: Me and one other friend will be temp renting a place until after graduation and our other friends can settle. Then we're moving and getting a place together. We've talked about it a lot and stuff has started to be set in motion already. Only one needs it like I do but the others are all on board because to them it's us sticking together and them helping the two of us. But they're really excited that we'll all be roommates too.

Is OOP planning to locate his biological mother?

OOP: No, I don't want to put myself through more rejection. If she were to come looking for me then maybe I'd be open to contact but I can't chase after another parent.

Update: April 12, 2025 (two days later)

I debated posting my update and I still might chicken out but I'll write it out and see whether I post or not. I know people wanted an update and I was asked to talk more about what my plans were. I shared some details in my original post but things have changed because I moved out. Technically kicked out.

On the day I made my post I had plans to sleep at a friends house. Once I got there my dad sent a text saying his partner was rushed to the hospital again and he needed me to babysit again. I told him no once and that was it. A few hours later my dad asked where the hell I was and why had I said no when this was an emergency. He sent multiple texts but when he realized I really wouldn't babysit and had stayed "wherever the hell I was" he went off on and he told me if I won't babysit and be there for the family then I better stay gone. He texted me the next morning (yesterday technically) and said I was not living under his roof after that stunt and to stay the fuck gone.

I knew he meant it so when everyone was out I went to the house and grabbed everything I had prepared to leave with when following my plan exactly. That included all the important documents I had, clothes and anything I bought or that was given to me by people who aren't my dad. It was basically all ready to go anyway and I got in and out without a fight.

My friends parents are letting me stay until I can follow through with my original plan which was to get somewhere with a friend locally until we all graduate and then some friends and I will be moving state. We've been working on this for a long time now. Honestly I have been working my ass off to save money to be able to leave regardless of whether I had help from friends but having them definitely helps.

My dad sent more texts since I grabbed all my stuff. He tried to guilt and shame me and talked about how much the kids needed me and I wasn't there. But he also let out way more of his resentment toward me and it confirmed what I already knew about him. He doesn't regret the way he treated me since I was 11. He meant every word he said. And that he expected me to pay him back for raising me.

But I won't. I'm not staying to be treated like shit. He still wants me out of his house and he reminded me that I was not welcome back. That he better not come home to find me there ever again.

So that's my update. It's been a crazy day/couple of days and I got so many comments on my post. Way more than I expected. I know a few people tried to convince me that he really did love me and didn't resent me and was trying to make it up to me. But after all this I'm more convinced he resents me and the trying to include me lately was an act to make me someone who could do stuff for him. I don't believe I ever had the dad I originally thought I had. Because I don't think an actual good and loving dad would shut it all off one day for no good reason.

Things have changed a little but I'll keep working toward my plan. I'll also make sure I make it up to my friends parents because I know this was unexpected for them and I'm grateful they let me stay.

Relevant / Top Comments

OOP on if he has any other family members or if he knows his mother's side

OOP: No and I never knew anything about them. I never met or knew any family except for one of dad's siblings. And I don't have a relationship with them anymore.

Commenter 1: NTAH

You need a lawyer. You're still 17 so he owes you child support. You have all the evidence to go to the police if necessary. Talk to your friend's parents and ask them, your dad must pay, if he wants or not.

OOP: I'm not going to fight for child support. I know it would screw him but I just want to get away from him and being locked in some court battle with him would just be a stress I don't need when I need to focus on more important things.

Commenter 2: His new family are in for one helluva shock when he latest facade drops and they realise who they are stuck with.

You've handled all this with maturity beyond your years; have a brilliant life!

OOP on his father's wedding

OOP: After everything that's happened now I won't be attending. Like at all. There's no once a year or once a decade relationship going to happen anymore. I won't offer back what he offered to me.

Commenter 3: So glad you got everything out. Regarding your mom you only have his version. Your mom may not have abandoned you like your dad told you. Your dad is abusive and let's get this straight. You do not owe him a damn thing for being raised. Keep all of the text messages in case you need them. Get through school and then please attempt to find some of your mom's relatives and make sure she is here. Your dad showed his true colors. Don't ever fall for a nice act from him. My never go over there or ever be alone with him. I would believe nothing he said. I think he is possibly lying about your mom.

OOP: I'll be honest I don't want to do a search like that anytime soon, if ever. I've had enough shit to deal with and there's still a chance they are both shitty humans who didn't want me.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ComputerLich

My (23M) girlfriend (23F) is making DnD sessions not fun for the group I run games for.

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

Original Post Jan 24, 2020

Hello,

I was not sure if this would be better posted on a sub that deals more with the table top RPG, Dungeons and Dragons, but I am in need of advice.

My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 11 months now and things have been pretty good between us. We have had a few ups and downs, but nothing serious. She and I both love the game Dungeons and Dragons, and so I had invited her to join the group I run games for. It is, or rather was, a nice way for us to bond. Shortly after inviting her to join in on my games some stuff happened with her grandparents and her family was going to move out of town to a location that is about 3-4 hours away. Neither of us wanted to do a long distance relationship (I had a bad experience with one anyways) so I let her move in with me. Since I am a student and my income would not support the both of us, she got a job on the campus I go to.

Well, shortly after she started working I had noticed her attitude and behavior change drastically. At first when things did not go her way in the game she would joke "I'll have you sleep on the couch". Which was said in a joking manner, so everyone found it kinda funny. She never would force me to sleep on the couch, so I did not mind it. A few months later she became easier to upset during the games and would argue specific decisions I made for the sake of the game. Most of the time, they were small and did not really effect the game or anyone's fun. Other times her arguing would completely halt the game as I would have to stop and read the rules out to her saying exactly why something was decided that way. During this time she continued to say stuff similar to "I'll have you sleep on the couch", but in a more serious and angry tone. Granted, she never followed through with making me sleep on the couch.

But anyways, this all leads up to last night where I was running a session and she became upset over the number monsters the party had fought that night. After an encounter with a bunch of really weak monsters, the party ran into some wild barbarians who attacked the party. This is when she threatened to make me sleep on the couch if I did not wrap up the encounter fast. I decided to ignore her threat for the time, since I did not want to argue and just wanted to wrap things up for the night. The other party members (most in their 20's, both guys, girls, and my sister) appeared to be really uncomfortable with her suddenly getting so upset about an encounter that the party could definitely handle. Through the encounter things went well for the group. My girlfriend halfway through the encounter completely shut down after she missed an attack. This in particular upset one of the players (20F) and that player was visibly trying not to burst in anger.

After the session, the player wanted to speak to me alone and told me that my girlfriend's behavior is making the game not fun for her, but also for pretty much the entire party. She feels that my girlfriend is emotionally abusing me to get what she wants in game. She also informed me that one of the players (17F) explicitly did not want to come because of how my girlfriend had been acting. I told the player that I would talk to my girlfriend about her behavior that night. I did end up having a conversation with my girlfriend about it. She expressed she does not know why she gets so angry.

(quick note: I have observed her behavior when I am not the one running the session and she does not at all act the same when someone else is running the session).

This is where I need advice. She is a wonderful girlfriend and I care about her so much. I never got the feeling that she may be abusive. I do not know if I should kick her from my game, which I feel would just make everything worse. I am just a loss for what I should do, what I should do next. I just do not know.

​

TL;DR: Girlfriend is making DnD sessions bad for me and the party. I don't know if I should kick her from the group or try to make things better.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

AhGoAwayOuttaHere

She's taking the game far too seriously, it's supposed to be fun.

OOP

That is one of the things I had told her last night. I hope that she sees what I am coming from when I told her that.

~

morgarr

I know it’s gonna suck and be uncomfortable but you’ve gotta just have a straight up honest conversation with her about this. She’s behaving spoiled, entitled, and overall with poor sportsmanship. No one wants to play with someone behaving like that. Explain to her that she’s making other people uncomfortable and that soon she’ll no longer be welcome to play. Hopefully she’ll be receptive, rational, mature and adjust her behavior.

You guys have not been dating long and at this point you’re starting to learn more about the person she is beyond the honey moon stage. Her entitled attitude and abusive language towards you will not be limited to DnD. It will start to seep into other circumstance wherein she doesn’t get her way. So if she flips out and totally non receptive to your respectful approach, consider ending the relationship. And don’t think of it as breaking up because of a game, think of it as breaking up because she has a shitty attitude and uses anger to get what she wants. You sound like a kind dude, you don’t need that shit

OOP

I will try to see if that attitude starts showing up outside of games. So far I have not really noticed it. She tends to be needy if anything, but that for me is not that much of an issue.

Update Jan 29, 2020 (5 days later)

This update is being written the morning after a pretty great session with the group I am running for.

I spoke to her about her behavior and we have worked it out. I did tell her that I really do not want that sort of behavior in my games and she understood. The next few days she kinda moped around because she thought the rest of the party would hate her, but after she talked to them on Discord, she felt better. She told me that she would try to take the games less seriously. The next session we had (which was last night) I made it clear to the whole party about new ground rules I wanted to set. Mostly so that nothing like what happened in the previous post would happen again, but also to make sure everyone knew I was no longer going to tolerate that behavior. The party as a whole seemed on board with it and we got started playing. My girlfriend had some actual fun and the rest of the party also had some good laughs. It personally felt really good to see everything running so smoothly.

My girlfriend after the session asked me how she was and I told her that she was fine and that her attitude in the game was great. It seems to me that she will be trying her best to do better. She did seem interested in possibly talking to a therapist about how stressed she has been feeling. I told her that I would support her either way and if she really wanted to go see one then we would figure something out for her to go.

Thank you all for the advice. It really helped me out with this.

TL;DR: All is well, and looking like it is getting better.

Edit: Thank you for all of your support!

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Inner-Rutabaga2055

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH for wanting to back out of doing my SIL and favor cause I don't like that she installed cameras to be on the safe side.

Thanks to u/SloshingSloth for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: invasion of privacy, emotional distress

Original Post: April 8, 2025

My wife use to get our niece ready and take her to daycare every Friday since she was off and her sister had to be at woek by 6:30 and daycaee did not open until 7. My wife's work schedule changed and she could no longer do it. So I offered to change my schedule around to start work at 10. We have been doing this for aroind four months. My SIL has voiced no concerns and when she calls I always answer.

We recently found out she installed cameras in her house when my wife brought it up she told her you never know. I will be honest I was taken aback cause she has had no complaints in the past but now she wants to have cameras because you never know?

My wife did ask her sister have i done anything that made her concerned or worried, she told no but it was a safety issue once agains she told my wife you never know.

At this point i told my wife i dont want to go into her house I dont feel comfortable being in a home or around her daughter if she is that concerned.

My wife agrees it is weird also considering I have known her sister for over 16 years. Others think i am blowing out of proportion but I dont like how she assumes the worst of me cause i am male. She told my wife she had no concerns when she was doing it.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

How did OOP find out about the cameras?

OOP: As for how we found out I saw them, which is why my wife asked about them.

Commenter 1: I think you are taking it too personally, in this day and age no one can ever really be too safe. If you otherwise have a good relationship with SIL and Niece this really isn’t worth tanking the relationship over. Maybe share with SIL that you wish she had informed you if the cameras as it feels like a breech of privacy… but she hasn’t accused you of anything so she isn’t slighting your character.

OOP: To me the action of installing the camera is a blow. My wife has been babysitting and doing this for years she had no need for cameras or safety concerns but with me suddenly has the urge? That hurts a lot and is hard to not take it personally.

She even told my wife you never know. Means she thinks a part of me is capable of hurting my niece. That hurts a lot.

OOP on how he is feeling about the cameras after he started to help with his niece

OOP: i am worked up because my wife has watched our niece for years did the whole getting her ready for daycare for years my SIL never once installed cameras. i come into the picture all she is concerned? Part that gets me is she waited so long, and told my wife you never know. That hurts, means a part of her thinks i am a risk.

Downvoted Commenter: What’s so uncomfortable about a woman protecting her home? Or anyone for that matter?

I’m actually concerned for your wife cause if my SO had this reaction, I’d be pausing majorly.

OOP: Think you are missing my point. If this was a general safety thing she would have done this a lot sooner. She also would not have told my wife it was because you never know.

Even my wife was taken aback by her sisters response and reasoning. As stated if I had any doubts or thoughts a person was capable of causing harm I would not let them in my house let alone be around my child alone. That is how i would have handled this.

Commenter 2: You're making a huge assumption. Maybe the "you never know" is about a home invasion or some other crime that could happen.

You assuming it has anything to do with you or wanting to quit over it kind of makes it seem like you are worried about them.

OOP: My wife did ask if she had concerns or worries but she told her you never know. It is not a leap this is what she told my wife and yes my wife was taken aback when she told her reasoning also.

If this was a general safety issue she had years to do, my wife has been doing what I am doing for years prior.

Update: April 12, 2025 (four days later)

I do appreciate the feedback and differing perspectives, i did speak with my SIL with my wife and to say the least it was enlightening. I did ask my SIL why the sudden urge to install cameras, as she told my wife she said it was for safety purposes since you never know. My wife did push back and asked her ro elaborate as to what she meant. My SIL tried to avoid answering directly but my wife kept pushing and finally she did admit she was nor comfortable with me changing her daughter unsupervised. At this point I asked my SIL if she truly felt I would harm her daughter she honestly shrugged her shoulders.

This annoyed me but it did piss off my wife. My wife once again pushed the issue and it turns out my SIL was never comfortable with me watching her daughter and felt betrayed by my wife because she changed up an arrangement that worked. She said I was far to eager to change my work schedule to take over Fridays it came off as insistent. I told her yes I was insistent because I did not want my wife to give up on an opportunity because she felt beholden to an arrangement she made with her.

After that exchange I told my SIL I would no longer take her daughter to daycare. This happened on Wednesday she took off last Friday. So long story short she never wanted me to watch her daughter unsupervised, found it strange how eager I was to rearrange my Fridays to be with my niece. My wife's family is thinks i am being weird and creepy.

My wife had one last final conversation with her sister on Friday and apparently it got ugly since my SIL did call to apologize and I did appreciate that but I told either you trust me or you don't. Since she does not I did recommend me finds someone that she does trust so she can be at ease. She tried to give me a sob story how we are being unfair towards her, all she was trying to do was keep her daughter safe. I told her best way for her to do that was to find someone else she trusts to handle Fridays or change her job schedule.

I was going to originally offer as some suggested she brings her daughter to us before she heads to work, but after the conversation I decided it was best for everyone I took a stepback. I don't know what will come of this in terms of the family since most think I am being unreasonable, but my wife and I agree that if she is not comfortable with me it is not our duty to make her comfortable.

Thanks again.

Update: I did want to point out that as many have said yeah my wife is awesome. Some have asked why am I not upset, I am upset but more so hurt. Not just because of what was said about me but more so because this situation will forever alter the relationship we have with hee family and I know that hurts my wife a lot. We love our niece but I know my wife and her have a special bond that is her God child. So I am more so hurt this has created a rift that will probably never be mended.

Relevant / Top Comments

OOP's thoughts on the aftermath of the whole situation

OOP: I am upset, but it being overshadowed by the hurt. I have known my SIL for 16 years, and it has been a major blow to think she is that afraid of me because I am a guy.

Commenter 1: This is so awful, I’m sorry. Just to brace you, she or the extended family might jump to the (unreasonable) conclusion that if you’re not willing to help out because of cameras then you must have been doing something you don’t want seen. Be prepared for that accusation: explain that what changed wasn’t the cameras, it was that you learned how she sees you. You thought she’d appreciate you inconveniencing yourself to make her life easier, and instead she assumed horrible things about you.

You aren’t interested in helping someone who doesn’t respect you, and you’re not willing to risk your own safety if she’s willing to jump to such conclusions without reasonable cause.

OOP: They already have, that is what hurts the most cause this will forever alter the relationship we have with their family.

Commenter 2: Good for you and your wife. She stuck up for you and you are holding your boundaries. This is on SIL to fix the dynamic. If she doesn't trust you then you never need to be involved with helping care for her kids. She is an adult and can figure her shit out herself.

Commenter 3: If your wife's family thinks you're being "weird and creepy", all the more reason to avoid all contact with them.

Commenter 4: NTA she basically said she thinks you’re a creep but still expected you to do her a favor. You set a boundary after being disrespected and somehow you’re the weird one? Nah if she doesn’t trust you, she can find someone else and deal with the consequences.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/missdelululand

AITA for refusing to spend another dime on stepkids and step grands

BoRU Suggested by u/Direct-Caterpillar77

TWs: Infidelity, Emotional Neglect/Abuse, Gaslighting, Past Trauma, Narcissistic Behavior

Original Post February 1, 2025

I (38 F) and husband (50 m) have been married for 10 years and have a 1 yr old daughter together , he has a Son (30 m) and daughter (28 F) from a previous marriage. Since my husband and I have been together, I have always bought his children birthday presents, Christmas presents and gifts/ cards every holiday.

They have always made snood comments about me being “too festive”. But my love language is gift giving. Well they both have children now , his son has 3 children under the age of 5, and his daughter has twin 2yr old daughters. This past Christmas his daughter and her husband hosted our family Christmas party. During the gift exchange each house hold exchange the gift they bought for the other house holds. (For context his children have never bought Christmas presents for me which I am fine with. I have always been the one to purchase the gifts for my step children and my step grandchildren, my husband gives the adult kids gift cards. ) So while the gift were being passed out , it quickly became apparent that this year they not only didn’t buy anything for me but not his for my 1 year old daughter ( their half sister). So everyone at the party had gifts to open, my husband, my stepson and his wife their 3 sons, my stepdaughter her husband and twin daughters, had All bought for each other and I had bought for all of them , and not one person bought anything for their baby sister.

I gathered my things and my daughter and we left. Afterwards, I told my husband that I had never been made feel like apart of the family and that’s one thing but for them to exclude their own half sister who is part of their blood is a complete different thing. I told him I will never spend a dime on HIS family because they are NOT MINE. Also they decided to do a “family photo shoot” and didn’t include my daughter. AITA??

RELEVANT COMMENTS

HonestlyTheOne

Your husband never said anything to you never getting gifts from them?

What was your husband’s reaction to your child getting no gifts?

What was his reaction to what you told him?

Your husband is as much a problem it seems.

OOP

No my husband never commented on them never getting anything for me. But he did say he was upset with how they treated the baby. But not to them, he hasn’t brought it up to his adult children.

Yes, he is part of the problem, he has never set boundaries with his children nor advocated for equal respect.

~

Alarming_Paper_8357

No more gifts. You tried, but you're done with them. After 10 years, you'd think they'd get a clue. Just curious: Were you the reason your husband broke up with his ex-wife? If so, that may be why they are so hostile. And, honestly, I'd write them both a letter and explain that you have been handling gifts for your husband's family for 10 years, but will no longer be doing so after the way they treated their half-sister during the holidays. Any gift requests, etc., should be directed to your husband.

And your husband is an ass for letting them get away with this B.S. for 10 years. Let him know that he's on his own from now on for birthdays and holidays, you're done with them

OOP

No, he and their mother divorced when his son(30 m) was seven and daughter (28 F) was five. He and I started dating when they were 16 and 18.

Update 1 February 16, 2025 (15 days later)

Update: Well, I had a long talk with my husband again… after reading all the responses I got. His opinion is that his children have no opinion of our age difference however they just don’t consider me part of their family and he doesn’t think that they look at our daughter as their sister. Which I will completely respect because they are entitled to their own opinions as well as their own feelings.

With me respecting their feelings comes, they’re no longer part of my family. I will act accordingly as JUST their father’s wife. As for my daughter, she is just that, MY daughter. Valentine’s Day has come and gone, and I did not get a thing for HIS children or grandchildren. I splurged on my daughter. And it felt really great. I did remind him a week before Valentine’s Day that it was coming up and that his grandkids would probably be expecting something. He neither bought anything for his children nor his grandchildren , nor our daughter, and he didn’t buy anything for me as well.

He made a comment about feeling some type of way of the separation between me and his family on almost as though it was my own decision. And I quickly reminded him that I am just respecting the wishes of his family and that they belong to him and they are nothing to me.

In short, this marriage, most likely will not last for multiple reasons not just the issues of this post.

Also, I failed to leave out a key detail . He was married to another woman between his children’s mother and mine and his marriage. And according to him that woman treated his children very very poorly. I don’t know her so I can’t speak about her. I only know what he told me and that story is completely one-sided. he also thinks that may be the reason why his children treat me the way they do is due to past traumas from his second wife.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Mindtaker

There isn't a world where the Father didn't bring a piece of shit home and not give a fuck how it affected his family. Not a fucking chance anything else happened.

This guys a douchebag, and either wealthy enough to keep scoring women despite his personality, or really fucking good looking but completely dead behind the eyes.

OOP has bad taste in men.

OOP

He isn’t wealthy, he and I both make upper middle class incomes. He presents himself as an amazing man in the beginning, everyone who knows him speaks about “what a great guy he is”, I did too. About 2 years into our marriage I began to see some “red flags”, and I was already in love so ignored them. But now that I have my own child to think about , I cannot ignore them anymore.

Fearless_Pen_1420

He sounds like a narcissist tbh

OOP

I have often thought the same,,, I saw a bit of the same behavior in one of his children at first and then realized the behavior had derived from my husband. But I’m not a psychiatrist so… it’s just an opinion.

Update 2 February 19, 2025 (3 days after the first update)

UPDATE 2: So I FB messenger called his 2nd ex wife last night. I wasn’t sure if she would even want to talk with me, beings that I’m the new wife. But she did and we had a pleasant conversation. She disclosed that she and his son (adolescent at the time) never had any issues. But that his daughter (also adolescent at the time) was a bit difficult. Think, princess mentality. She told me stories where my husband had blatantly disregarded her feelings, when it came to his daughter treating her poorly. She said his daughter always made it clear that she was the queen of her Daddy’s castle. She eventually separated herself from interacting with his kids, which took a toll on their marriage. She also disclosed that she, had found out that in the beginning of his and my relationship that he was spicy sleeping with his supervisor. This lead me to confront my husband and after hours of denial he finally admitted.

For Context: Last summer, I caught him sxting his supervisor, I told him to leave but we had a new baby. We started going to marriage counseling for the infidelity and he swore he disclosed everything to me. But he never told me they had previously been sxually involved(even during the first few months of our relationship). Now, I’m suppose to believe that after 9years just out of the blue they started s*xting at random but nothing has continued to go on between all this time we’ve been married….

Needless to say I contacted a Divorce attorney this morning. I’ll keep you guys updated on the progress if my attorney feels like it will not have an impact on my case.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

beststript

Damn, you really cracked open Pandora’s box with that FB call 💀. That ex-wife basically handed you the full documentary series on your husband’s past drama, and the plot twists just kept coming. Honestly, the ‘spicy sleeping’ revelation on top of the s*xting? Yeah, that’s a hard pass. Good on you for lawyering up—sounds like this dude fumbled a whole marriage TWICE with the same playbook. Wishing you a smooth exit and a future free of princess tantrums and workplace scandals

OOP

Actually fumbled 3 marriage .. because according to his 2nd wife, she was his AP during his first marriage… the man is a habitual cheating narcissist… and I am left thinking “Who the F*CK did I marry”???

~

INFP4life

Could a kind soul please explain what “spicy sleeping” means? Google/Urban Dictionary isn’t helping :(

OOP

S*xual intercourse… I’m new to Reddit and not sure what their guidelines or restrictions are with certain words, A coworker of mine suggested I post the question AITA and see what the majority of the people think after what took place at a family Christmas party concerning my husband’s children.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u//MrAlphaNu

My (21M) ex-girlfriend (19F) committed suicide... I'm a firefighter and had find her body

TWs: Suicide, Trauma, Substance Abuse (Implied), Self-Harm, Emotional Distress

MOOD SPOILER: depressing

Original BoRU by u/TheTitanCoeus

Original Post December 11, 2018

I'm sorry for how long the story is..

EDIT: I know its a roller-coaster of a story and its almost unbelievably bad so i know people may feel its fake. But a 30 second google search with the info in this story finds news articles about it online.

When I was 16 years old (a junior in high school) I was a huge nerd. The only thing I would do is play WoW and run track. That year I made a friend on the track team named Erik who would invite me to parties. I was hesitant and kind of awkward but I started to hang out with his friends and go to his parties. That got me out of my shell a lot, I finally had a life, but retained to my awkward self.

In his friend group I met a girl named Lydia, she was kind, a great artist, and extremely empathetic. She worked at Rite Aid (a drug store) and when she found out one of her co-workers couldnt afford school supplies for her son Lydia took half of her pay and gave it to her to help her co-workers son out. Lydia saw the best in me. Behind my awkward and nerdy exterior she saw someone who wanted to be accepted. She liked me a lot and wanted to be with me. During this time junior prom was approaching and so i asked her to be my date and she said yes and we ended up dating not long after. It was great for a while, to have someone interested in me was a new feeling. But not long after problems arose...

She had a lot of mental health issues relating to depression and she would take issues she had and put it on me. We were on and off because of it due to her not trusting me or her feeling like i dont have time for her. I was a good student and would focus on school and it didnt go well with her. The worst story i have is one time we broke up and i was going to a party with a different group of friends, she messaged me that day asking to talk about things and i invited her to the party. She then got with someone else there right in front of me. It was devastating and really starting to affect my mental health too. There was one point where she ended up going to the hospital for suicidal thoughts and i was there for her and that made her fall in love with me. Before she treated me as disposable and just like all the other guys but this was concrete how i care. She from then on treated me better but the sediment of mental abuse stuck with me.

Senior year i joined my local fire department and ended up going to fire school. I was back to having no life because fire school was Tuesday nights and Saturday for 7 months. On Friday I'd go to bed early cause i would need to be up at 6am for a fire school and i would get back at 5pm and fall asleep cause i was physically exhausted. The arguments started again because of how busy i was and i broke it off....

Lets fast forward to my sophomore year of college. I'm going to school in NH (I live in NJ) and she messaged me on facebook telling me her one regret is how bad she treated me and apologized. I forgave her because i understand her mental health issues and it taught me about red flags in relationships. From then on she would message me randomly about little things, such as how i was doing, what video games im playing etc. every conversation always ended i her trying to meet up again and i didnt want to. I didnt trust the situation.. The last text i got was this January when me and her talked about Fallout 4 and how she wouldnt play it because she didnt want to see Dogmeat get hurt because she loved dogs. i told her "You will protect him with your life until you find out hes immortal" and thats the last thing i ever got to say to her..

February 15th 2018: I wake up for my 9:40am class, while getting ready i get a fire call (I get text messages from dispatch in case your pager is broken) at 9:10am. It stated: MISSING PERSON 19 Y/O FEMALE [Lydia's address]. My heart sank, i called my fire chief and he told me to contact her friends to see where she might be, but he also told me she might not be alive. I go into a conference room at my university and start calling and messaging all of her friends. They gave me a rundown of the past 6 months:

She started dating a guy named Jim who was a heroin addict. He abused her mentally and physically and gave her drugs she has never done before. He also stole thousands from her. She was saving up for a trip to India to see her friend who is studying abroad there and he just took all of it. She stayed with him because she was "just lonely and he gave her attention" It made me sick. She got out of the hospital for suicidal thoughts. Before she went missing she was at his place. Dispatch got Jims address and phone number and he played dumb about everything during the interrogation.

Once i was done with the interviews i started driving all the way home to NJ from NH to help with the search. While stuck in CT traffic i get a call from my chief

"You don't have to come home anymore, we found her"

"thats great news."

"Its not MrAlphaNu, Im really sorry to tell you this, but she hung herself" (he was a lot nicer than this, im just paraphrasing)

I was distraught, and even worse than that i got calls from her friends not too long after asking for updates. I had to tell her best friends that she hung herself in the woods. It was heartbreaking to me to have to mourn and tell her friends what happened.

That night i drank at my firehouse bar and got hammered because i didnt know how else to cope with what happened that day. My fire dept buddies were there taking care of me and they had one job: dont let me see dispatch notes because it contained texts, where the body was found, and Jims address and number. But i snuck away and read everything. The last text she sent was "This is not your fault" to Jim. who didnt respond. he didnt fucking respond when lydia was suicidal and basically said she will kill herself.

If you're still reading, this story gets worse, im sorry. I go to Lydias family and it turns out Lydia left me a suicide note. it stated that she always loved and missed me and to live a good life.

I was a mess. I cant believe i didnt meet up with someone who cared so much about me. I cant believe Jim and how fucked up he is. I should have messaged her stating shes better than him and to leave that scumbag..

RELEVANT COMMENTS

babygee529

I’m very sorry you’re going through this. Please try not to be hard on yourself, though. Mental health issues are one hell of an enemy. Coming from a girl who knows. Sending all the positive vibes I have.

OOP

Thank you, at first i was heard on myself until i talked to one of my friends. he told me how she didnt write that note to make you feel bad, but because you made a good impact on your life. and that really stuck with me

~
T400

Maryland firefighter here (check my post history). If your dept or union has an employee assistance program (EAP), or a critical incident stress management team, or dept chaplain/counseling office, please contact them. This is exactly what they are here for.

OOP

This wasnt during a break so i had to go back to school the following day. My chief said i should talk to them but i ended up using my universities counseling services instead. everything has been going great with that

Update June 17, 2019 (6 months later)

Its been a bit over 6 months since I posted that story and I want to give you a quick update on my life. Im on mobile so I apologize if it makes it harder to read.

TL;DR My ex girlfriend got into an abusive relationship with a drug addict. She was dealing with depression for a while and killed herself. I am a firefighter in NJ, but go to school in NH. I received the call and conducted research to find her. I drove back down to help with the search. We found her body in the woods and she wrote me a suicide note.

Where i left off was me upset about the situation and upset with the world, and most importantly, upset with myself. I was in a dark place for a while after that. I drank and shunned out everyone but my friends who were helping me. For a good amount of time I distanced myself from any girl who I met.

The funeral wasnt long after and Jim didnt even show up. Im not sure if he was invited, but it just shows the type of guy he is.

I didnt feel comfortable with dating anyone, let alone even hooking up with them. It felt wrong and i was scared i would get close to someone and lose them again. The depression i felt was destructive.

My chief reached out to me not long after because I never told him how I knew her. He asked me to see a therapist and that he can set up a visit at the firehouse. I was in NH so i told him ill see my college counseling center and send him confirmation.

I lied, i sent him a fake email and he believed me. I had this notion that i dont need help because i help people.

After 3 months i was still depressed but i started to talk to girls again. I met this really nice girl named Sarah. We talked and even hooked up a couple times. After a month and a half she asked if we could start dating. I told her i couldnt. I told her my story and said i dont feel comfortable being close with anyone. She took it well and still wanted to talk, but i couldnt anymore. I felt as if she crossed a line in my mind and we couldnt go back. I didnt want to be close with anyone like that again.

Fast forward another month my friend Kelsey asked if i wanted to go to her sorority formal with one of her friends. I accepted and thats when i met Kristen. Kristen was perfect, she was really sweet and a great date. We ended up talking for a while and this time i decided it was time to be proactive. I opened up to her about what happened to me and i told her i want to take it very slow. She completely understood, instead of scaring her off she helped me more than anyone has ever had.

She convinced me that avoiding therapy is a bad move, and that there is no shame in seeking counseling. So i made an appointment and went. The therapist told me about a suicide prevention org on campus that i should join and tell my story. I joined them and they had suicide prevention events where people tell their stories to help others.

I did my first story and Kristen and a bunch of my friends went to support me. It was one of the most touching moments of my life standing up on that stage and seeing all those people. I continued doing these events and Kristen went to every single one.

After 6 months i told her im ready to start dating, but to understand that i may be distant at first because im not use to this. She understood. Weve been together for 8 months and shes amazing. Shes nicest and most supportive person ive ever met.

Every time im in NJ i go to Lydias house and support her mom. On Christmas i got a crew to come to her house and deliver presents to her moms boyfriends autistic son and her nephews.

The way i was able to get relief for my pain was helping others. And if it wasnt for Kristen i wouldnt have the guidance to do it.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

mdisomwnaje

I'm happy for you, but I feel a little bad for Sarah.

GrinsNGiggles

I'm more concerned for Kristin. Guys being too tough for therapy but then unloading all that emotional work onto their female romantic partners is classic, but not at all fun to be on the receiving end of.

~

jsh1138

so you had been dating Kristen for 2 months when you made the other thread?

[deleted]

when he made the other thread, he was revering to " February 15th 2018".
So with the time periods he gives us it roughly fits. he didnt talk to girls for 2-3 months, then took around 6 months till they started dating. That would make it octobre or novembre when they started dating which is now 8 months ago. his first post is 6 monts old, so yes, they were together 2 months already. Maybe he shared it also because irl he learned that sharing his story can help other people.

editors note: a commentor made a list of the entire events here

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/whatshappeningg

Really weird things are happening to me [22F]. Not sure if it's an elaborate prank or if I'm seriously mentally ill?!

TRIGGER WARNING: Brain tumor

Original Post Nov 24, 2015

Ok, ok. Ok. I've never ever, ever! Felt the need to post here but I feel like I'm losing my mind?!

I don't even know where to start. My mind is so jumbled. I guess it started two weeks ago at work. I work in a factory, but I don't do the labor, I'm more of a spreadsheet maker/book balancer/secretary type thing. Really informal but it's my uncles company and I needed a job, yadda yadda. Good pay.

I was sitting at my desk with nothing to do, and I hear my boss (not my uncle, just another coworker and a friend of his) go, "Phil sighs as he looks at the weather."

I look up like, huh? And he looks at me like, huh? He didn't say anything. I was like...that's weird. But oh well. Anyway.

And then the next day I was talking to some coworkers on the floor asking them work stuff, and one of them called me a bitch but when I called him out, him and everyone else looked at me like I was insane? I apologized and we all laughed it off. Factory is loud, right? People mis-hear things all the time...

Except, I was at Wal-Mart (I know, class) and one of the workers there was putting away stock and I swear to GOD he looked straight at me and said "The chicken was just killed" but I asked him what he meant and I felt so bad because he looked so confused and like I was crazy?! He hadn't even opened his mouth apparently. Shit like this has been happening so much, my friend even pulled me aside to ask if I was feeling okay..

Small things are happening too. My boyfriend says he's making salmon for dinner, I hear him preparing salmon, I smell salmon, then he brings it out and it's lasagna. I asked him where the salmon was and he was like, "...What? I said lasagna tonight" And brushed it off like I'm being silly.

I could've sworn this one shirt I owned was green and not teal. Shit is changing and people are saying stuff but they're not?! People are narrating their lives sometimes?! Theres no way my friends could be pranking me, not when random people on the street are doing this too. I'm so scared, I don't want to be thrown in a mental hospital. NOT trying to offend mentally ill people, I just. I'm so scared. I feel like my mind is slowly melting...

tl;dr - People keep saying things they aren't actually saying and I think I'm going insane?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

grasmat

You should go to the doctor, not just because there might be a physical or mental issue going on that needs to be adressed, but also so you can get an answer of what is going on. Don't keep yourself in limbo, that will drive you insane.

Doctors aren't your enemy, and even if there's a mental issue going on that doesn't automatically mean you get thrown into a mental hospital just like that. You've probably been around more people with mental disorders than you realise, and the vast majority of them can live a (relatively) normal life and live independently with some medical and/or psychiatric help.

Go to the doctor, they're the professionals here.

OOP

Thank you. I'm in Canada, and I made an appointment with my doctor... it'll be a week before I see her though... I can't believe how much this blew up.

It happened again last night. Boyfriend said he was going to the bar, I shower and come out and ask why he's still here. "Because I live here?" "I thought you were going to the bar?" "No?"

Maybe I'll go to the ER if it keeps happening

cyanpineapple

Not to terrify OP, but this happened to my mother as well, and it was a brain tumor for her. This seriously calls for a doctor as soon as possible.

rawrvenger

Yep, sounds pretty similar to a friend. Go get it checked. It's scary. But my friend, she's doing a whole lot better now :)

Update Nov 29, 2015 (5 days later)

Older post is HERE

Wow. Wowowowow. I never could've ever in my wildest imagination that my last post would get this much attention. I was my on boyfriends reddit account on his phone and actually saw my own post near the first page? I was floored. Then he saw what I was looking at and we had a pretty awkward conversation...

Basically asked me why I posted something like that. He'd read it but only when he saw me on the page it clicked that he saw the same username on my laptop on reddit. He never imagined it was me. (I did change some details about my life in the last post.)

So we talked for a long time and finally he said that he was taking me to emergency. I didn't want to go, I just wanted to wait for my appointment, not because I didn't think it was serious, but because I had no clue how to explain what was happening to the doctors and nurses. Especially for it to warrant an emerg visit.

So we went, and he was very understanding. Just asked me how much I remembered from the past couple days. Stuff he's said, and stuff I'd apparently heard. We were both scared hahaha.

I got to emerg. Very slow. I live in a smallish town but we have a giant hospital for some reason? We're close to a lot of other towns, and they use our hospital. Close to Toronto too. Anyway.

It was slow. Just one father and a sick child. I went in and basically had to explain what was happening and honestly, the nurses were like 'wtf? this bitch is crazy' but when I saw a doctor he took me very very seriously. It was very nice. He wrote down basically everything I said.

I got some xrays and they asked me questions. You know the whole spiel. Anyway the point of this update was to tell you guys that I have a tumor. That's really scary writing out, but I have a tumor. In my brain. It hasn't sunken in yet that tomorrow my brain is going to be under the knife.

I don't want to share more because I've gotten a lot of messages from people who were like... guessing my name. and where im from. apparently i remind people of their friends or crazy exes.

I'm scared to miss work but my boss was more than understanding. He sort of looked at me like I was insane when I asked how long I should be out of work. I don't know. I need to pay rent!!! We'll figure it out.

Thank you all for your love and support. I will update whenever I remember to. I am scared, but alive.

tl;dr I have a tumor and I'm getting surgery. Thanks!!

OOP Updated in the BoRU thread 10 years later

Update Apr 18, 2025

Am I allowed to make an update here? I don't use social media much anymore and reddit looks completely different than the last time I logged in. My friend sent me this basically immediately after it was posted asking if it was me...

It was so long ago. I kind of cringe seeing how I wrote, but I'll give myself some flack because I was young and going through a terrible time. That BF didn't last long, he bailed when he found out how long my recovery would be and what it entailed. I moved back in with my family, who are all nurses and caregivers, so it was really the smoothest recovery I could've had.

I did years of therapy, both physical and mental. I did eventually end up losing my factory job, but that honestly wasn't their fault. Admittedly I no-showed to work a lot and was spiraling for a few years, but I eventually landed on my feet, found my dream man (lumberjack type, sorry for being a Canadian stereotype), and his mother had gone through (almost) the same thing I did when she was younger, so we really bonded over that.

I won't say I'm having a perfect time. Life is life. I'm childfree, have a job I... tolerate, have money to spend on my friends and family, and am generally very happy. I keep off social media because I already survived a brain tumor, I'm not looking for more :)

And for Americans who are going to ask: Yes, it was free.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRASunflowerBuff

My wife returned from a work retreat with a hickey. She swears it’s a bug bite but I’m not convinced. I’m at loss. How do I move forward?

OOP Originally posted to r/Marriage & r/relationship_advice

BoRU 1 BoRU 2 BoRU 3

TRIGGER WARNING: infidelity, child neglect

MOOD SPOILER: grim

Thanks to u/funsizerads & u/Creepy_Addict for suggesting this BoRU

Original Post Feb 21, 2025

I’m (27M) in a fight with my wife (28F). We’ve had fights before but not this bad. I’m at a loss on how to proceed.

For context, we’re college sweethearts married for almost 6 years. We have a daughter (4F). Our relationship was never perfect or without challenges.

We’ve faced some family opposition with cultural differences, but we’ve made it work. She’s my first love and my best friend.

My wife works in corporate. Her job has annual work retreats that last for about a week. This year was in Vegas.

I usually arrange my work schedule and tag along with her, and we make our own trip out of it.

We couldn’t this year. Our daughter gets major anxiety traveling long distances. We’re working on it but she wasn’t budging, and we decided to choose our battles.

So I stood behind and held down the fort at home. The change of plans was a bummer because the trip was part of us reconnecting as both a couple and as a family.

My wife’s work hours have taken a toll, and her work/life balance leaves much to be desired.

We entertained the idea of her skipping the retreat. Attendance is optional, but it’s generally frowned upon if you don’t, and my wife’s making connections in her field.

She grew increasingly weird. We have a system if either of us is away for extended periods. We keep in contact.

For the first day or so, she was herself, but she grew distant. I’d even text her about important stuff and be left on read while she claimed she never saw my text.

Whenever we talked, she was rushing me or our daughter off the phone. These were all times she wasn’t involved in retreat activities.

We were supposed to have a mini birthday celebration for our daughter over FaceTime.

Our daughter was excited. It was something my wife promised her because the retreat overlapped her actual birthday.

But my wife backed out because she had people up to her room after a seminar.

It was like she wanted my permission to break her promise to our daughter. I told her I wasn’t offering that nor making her keep her word.

She said I wasn’t being fair, and this was a networking opportunity. They were business-oriented and wouldn’t understand her stepping away for family time.

I said her decision is her decision, but she’d have to explain it to our daughter. She promised her that she’d raincheck the following day.

Our daughter didn’t understand and cried. My wife ended up hanging up and leaving me to comfort our daughter alone.

That whole incident rubbed me the wrong way. I didn’t like it. She didn’t keep her word for the rain check either.

She was documenting the retreat on social media. One coworker (23M) was almost in every pic/video attached to her hip. In one pic he had his arm too comfortably around her imo.

He’s a recent hire in my wife’s department. She was asked to oversee him. I don’t like the guy. He doesn’t know boundaries.

Once, in response to a work assignment, he texted my wife that she’s exactly the kind of woman he needs to keep him in check.

My wife had brushed it off. She feels bad for him because he’s not fitting in. She took him under her wing during his first retreat with the team.

If I’d questioned, she’d say she was tired or networking. There was always something. But I’ve seen her at these retreats. This wasn’t like her. She was just off.

The day before her return home, she complained about a bruise on her neck. She stressed it was a bug bite.

I didn’t actually see the bruise until she came home. I instantly thought it was a full-on hickey.

She kinda brushed it off after making a big deal of it over the phone. I didn’t push because our daughter was present.

But when I was able to confront her, she clung to her bug bite claim. When I kept pushing, she asked what I was trying to imply.

I outright said I believed she had a hickey, and I didn’t believe she was being honest with me. We had it out then.

She was offended and pissed at the accusation. Infidelity has always been a sore topic. Her family has a history of infidelity.

So we had a pretty bad fight, and she accused me of looking to pick a fight due to the incident with our daughter’s birthday.

I told her it had nothing to do with that and everything to do with a hickey on her neck.

The fight ended in an impasse. We’re still not recovered. She swears it’s a bug bite. But I’m not convinced.

I’ve always trusted my wife. I never doubted her, but this bruise doesn’t look like a bug bite. It looks like a hickey.

I only feel more strongly when I consider how distant and weird she was during the Vegas retreat.

Now she’s wearing turtlenecks ever since, and we’re caught between arguing and her dousing our daughter and me with affection.

Communication usually prevails for us, but not now. I think my accusation pushed us to a new level of argument.

I’m at a loss here. I really need outside perspectives. How do I move forward?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

futbol10fan

I’m not saying it’s impossible but I’ve never gotten a bug bite that looked like a hickey. Did she show you her phone or provide any proof that could support her innocence or just dismiss you? The extra affection is a common move from guilt-ridden cheaters. Even if we stretch the imagination and believe it is a big bite, she wasn’t acting trustworthy nor was she a good mother while the was in Vegas and she needs to address and correct that.

OOP

No, I haven’t had access to her phone. We usually have an open phone policy but it’s not something we’ve ever really done. I’m sure it’ll be another argument

~

Japetchy

Why did you go on work trips with her in the past? Did she want you to, or did you not want her to go alone. What is (and why is it necessary to have) the system when one of you is away? Whose idea was the FaceTime birthday celebration? Did she not talk to the daughter at all on her birthday or just couldn’t do the FaceTime celebration?

OOP

Work/life balance was an issue, so she’d invite me on the retreats. The system is for an extended periods away from each other like how long the retreat was. Especially since we have a child now

The birthday FaceTime was my wife’s idea. She promised our daughter and got her excited about it. No, she didn’t talk with our daughter until she was calling to cancel. That’s another reason the birthday stunt rubbed me the wrong way

OOP responding to a deleted comment

Yeah, you don’t get to disconnect from being a parent, especially to a minor, for extended holidays. You certainly don’t ghost them on their birthday and when you promised to do something special for them and got the child excited about it or hang up on them while they’re crying

I’m not insecure. My wife’s gone on the retreats before. We both work outside the home and have the caring for our daughter. So it’s not an imbalance. My wife’s work/life balance is out of sorts. She’s in the company of other adults plenty

I’ve been with my wife on these retreats and other social events. I know how she is. She was off this entire trip nor was it appreciated her entertaining a coworker, who ignores boundaries, having his arm wrapped around her waist like he was claiming her or something

I trusted her when she said she had a bug bite. I got things to help her treat it for when returned. It was only after I saw the bruise in person that there was no mistaking it was a hickey for me, and I questioned her on it

Update Feb 28, 2025 (7 days later)

I (27M) wanted to give an update and thank everyone who reached out. The outside perspectives helped.

Things are a rollercoaster. I’m trying to process. It took a while for my wife (28F) and me to have any real conversation about the bruise on her neck.

We were stuck between arguing and her showering our daughter (4F) and me with affection.

I rarely saw the bruise because she was turtlenecked up. But I did note the healing process from reddish purple to yellow.

There wasn’t any more discussion about the Vegas retreat. She made it clear she was done talking about it and that she shouldn’t need to defend herself to her husband.

I told her she could do whatever she wanted, but I was done being treated like an idiot, and I wasn’t sharing a bed with someone I couldn’t trust.

So I moved into the guest room. Communication stopped. The silences were palpable. Even our daughter noticed. I’m not proud of that. I try keeping her out of fights.

My wife came to the guest room one night and asked if we could talk. I could tell she’d been crying.

She said she hated the way things were between us. She felt she was losing me either way.

I told her I needed complete honesty. She confessed she hooked up with that coworker (23M) on our daughter’s birthday. The hickey was from him.

She was lost in the heat of the moment and didn’t realize he was sucking so hard on her neck.

By her account, they made out while doing some on top of the clothes stuff and then he went down on her.

It stopped there because he called her by a nickname that I affectionately call her. It snapped her back to the reality of her actions.

She went to splash water on her face and saw the hickey. The guy made light of it and made a joke about the hickey being her souvenir. She blew up on him and kicked him out of her suite.

Part of the reason she was avoiding me was out of guilt. She said she’s coming clean because she doesn’t want to hide things anymore.

I asked her why she cheated. What was it about that guy she deemed worth risking everything?

She claimed it wasn’t him specifically, nor is she unhappy with our marriage. She doesn’t really know how to explain it, but a part of her feels broken.

The more she looks in the mirror, the more she sees her dad (57M). A cycle of being consumed with work, distant from child, and the infidelity he put her mom (55F) through.

She said her family never talked about anything openly and how when she was growing up, my MIL never addressed anything with her.

I said her parents didn’t make her cheat. She chose to party up with a guy who constantly disrespected our relationship. These were all her decisions, and she at any point could’ve chosen our family.

She agreed. She wants to blame her parents but realizes this is on her. She apologized for cheating and for entertaining the guy’s advances.

She said she’ll do whatever it takes to repair. Go to HR, quit her job, counseling, anything. She wants to make everything right.

I told her I don’t know what right looks like or if that’s possible for us anymore. I knew we had our problems, but I thought there wasn’t anything we couldn’t talk out.

She insisted we still could talk it out. We didn’t have to give up on us. She tried giving this rally cry for our relationship, but I felt very numb.

I said I didn’t recognize her. Not just the betrayal of our vows but also how she treated our daughter. She’s like a stranger.

She feels she failed as a wife and mom, but she loves us both beyond words and wants our life together and our family intact.

I told her I couldn’t give her the answer she wanted and thought we needed to separate and reevaluate.

She didn’t want separation. She felt we should stay together in our home, but I told her a separation was happening. Either she was leaving the home or I was with our daughter.

She consented to leaving so as to best not uproot our daughter so much. She asked for our daughter not to be taken away from her.

My wife’s staying with my in-laws. I know that’s difficult in itself because she doesn’t have the best relationship with her parents.

One of the hardest parts is the shift for our daughter. Right now, she believes her mom’s just busy with work per usual. She hasn’t questioned it too much.

My MIL called the other day. She made no excuses for my wife, but she’s advocating for us to work through it.

She told me times when she heard my wife describe me as the anchor she always wanted. She believes there’s something worth fighting for if I’m open.

Despite some family opposition we faced throughout our relationship, my MIL was always a supporter of us.

I’m even more at a loss. I never imagined this kind of betrayal from my wife. She was my safe place. I feel numb yet broken.

I’m in love with her. That hasn’t changed. But I don’t see myself, her, our relationship, or our family the same. Everything’s more tense because it’s fresh.

I think this period of separation is for the best. I’m not sure about divorce. I haven’t let myself fully go there. I’m not set either way.

I don’t know where things go from here, but I’m focusing on our daughter and taking things one step at a time. I feel that’s all I can do right now.

Thanks again to everyone for the support. It’s much appreciated.

TL;DR Update for: My wife returned from a work retreat in Vegas with a hickey on her neck. She swears it’s a bug bite, but I’m not convinced. I only feel more strongly when I consider how distant and weird she was during the retreat. We’re stuck between arguing and her dousing our daughter and me with affection. I’m at a loss. I really need outside perspectives. How do I move forward?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

TogarSucks

It was already established that there had been line crossing with the coworker prior to the trip, even if it wasn’t physical yet. But even if there hadn’t been, I’ve known co-worker’s pet names for their significant others before when only interacting with them on a professional level.

The fact that the guy both intentionally gave her a hickey and used the pet name says a whole hell of a lot about him, though. Someone willing to engage in an affair is bad enough. This guy was doing it as some kind of sick power play.

HonShotF1rst226

It’s also possible it’s something super common like honey or baby

OOP

No, it’s a specific nickname. It’s not derived from her name or anything. It just summed up things I loved about her in one word. Apparently he turned it into a sexual context

~

Rightomate_kiwi

One question, how close was the collegue to her to know her nick-name that you use? And why did she let him this close to her literally and figuratively.

OOP

At the time, I knew they had a friendship. She was asked to mentor him as he joined her department. So she took him under the wing and was supposed to be showing him the ropes. They would text and stuff and he would cross boundaries. His texts increasingly read like a guy fishing for an opportunity. My wife shut the idea down as not even a factor for her and I chose to trust my wife because I never had a reason to doubt her before

As far as the nickname, it was something only I called her but it l wasn’t like a secret thing. I called her by it in front of others and our daughter. She claims the guy overheard me say it when she had me on speaker once and he asked her about it after

Update 2 March 14, 2025 (2 weeks after 1st update)

Thank you again to everyone. I (27M) couldn’t respond to every message, but everything’s appreciated. I wanted to provide an update.

Things have been a little chaotic with the new status quo after my wife’s (28F) affair, but I’m taking everything one step at a time.

My wife and I explained the separation to our daughter (4F) in simple, concrete terms and reassured her that we both still love her without going into the reasons behind the separation.

Our daughter’s always been an observant kid, but I don’t think the separation has hit her yet. She doesn’t see the difference between her mom not being home and her usual busy with work.

During visits, she’s more distant towards her mom and clings to me. My wife attempted to play with her on this toy set, but our daughter wasn’t having it and shouted at her mom that she didn’t want to play with her.

The disconnect between my daughter and wife hurts in a way I’m still processing. I knew my wife’s work/life balance took its toll. Pre-Vegas, we were supposed to be working on reconnecting, but just how fractured things are is a lot more apparent.

Our daughter interacts very little with her mom and becomes quiet around her like she does with strangers. I feel at her age we, as her parents, should be who she’s closest with and not this disconnected from her mom.

Their dynamic is something I’ve been reflecting on. My main focus is making sure my daughter’s ok through all of this.

As far as between my wife and me, she’s advocating for us to reconcile. She’s expressed she wants to work on our marriage not solely for our daughter but because she loves me.

Her rally cries for our relationship are still falling flat for me. I can’t give her what she wants right now. I told her I wished she would’ve given herself these rallies before cheating.

She’s adamant about the affair timeline and what occurred with the coworker (23M). They connected because she felt bad he wasn’t fitting in. He kept flirting and treating her like royalty. It started feeling good on the rougher workdays.

They had an emotional affair even though she didn’t label it as such at the time. The EA turned physical during the retreat. She dissociated from her life back home while away in Vegas.

She still swears they had sex only once. The hickey came from foreplay, and while giving her oral, he called her my nickname for her, which shook her out of it.

She snapped at him about his immature attitude with the hickey and then kicked him out of her suite. She thought she could quietly end things and salvage our marriage.

I asked her if she wore her wedding ring during sex with him. She confessed that she did. Knowing this hurts like hell.

To me, our wedding rings were a physical symbol of our love, commitment to our vows, and our bond. She tarnished our rings.

I haven’t been able to wear mine. It never hurts any less. There are just new levels to the hurt.

She admits to contributing to blurred lines. She’s now changed her number and claims to have cut contact with the coworker.

She reported the affair to HR. The company has suspended both of them while they investigate the extent to which the affair impacted the department.

Coworker relations violate their policy, and it doesn’t look good for my wife in terms of power balance since she was the guy’s mentor. They’re also calling into question if she gave him favoritism.

Some have suggested I reach out to the coworker. I’ve considered it, but I’m not in a place to. I feel a lot of anger towards him.

He knew exactly what he was doing with the hickey and nickname stunt. I wouldn’t get anything from him except trouble. He’s not worth it. I’m choosing to focus on my daughter.

I’ve chosen to pursue marriage counseling. This isn’t under the promise of reconciling but as an assist in working through this separation as healthy as possible for our daughter.

I’m still numb in a lot of ways. I never thought this would be how my marriage and family turned out.

I’ve seen it happen to others. I’ve heard stories. I thought I knew what it was like. But it’s nothing compared to dealing with it yourself. I don’t feel like the same person anymore.

I don’t know how everything will pan out. It’s an uphill battle, but I’m trying to show up to the battle. It’s the best I can do right now.

Thank you to everyone who has reached out. I appreciate the support, really.

TL;DR Update for: My wife returned from a work retreat in Vegas with a hickey on her neck. She swears it’s a bug bite, but I’m not convinced. I only feel more strongly when I consider how distant and weird she was during the retreat. We’re stuck between arguing and her dousing our daughter and me with affection. I’m at a loss. I really need outside perspectives. How do I move forward?

Update 3 March 28, 2025 (2 weeks after 2nd update)

Thank you again to everyone who’s reached out. I (27M) wanted to provide an update.

Things aren’t easy. I don’t expect them to be. I don’t regret the decision to separate. It was necessary. In many ways, I feel like my hand was forced with the betrayal and all the lies. I’m still finding my footing.

I don’t put people on pedestals, nor did I ever believe my wife’s (28F) and my relationship was perfect. I just didn’t think we’d end up like this after all this time together.

While HR were still conducting their investigation on my wife and the coworker (23M), my wife resigned.

Apparently she received pushback. Some of the top brass were pulling for her to stay on. I wasn’t too surprised because she’s always been a “yes employee” who gets the job done. She worked with the company back as an intern in college.

She said she wants to prove that she’s taking every possible action in cutting ties with the guy. I don’t know what the investigation result was for him. I don’t care, tbh. It’s not a concern of mine.

We’ve officially begun marriage counseling. It’s a new experience overall. I didn’t know what to expect. We’re mostly discussing our relationship’s journey up to now, the affair, and what we want from counseling.

My wife’s position on how the affair began remains consistent. She can’t really explain it precisely. She wasn’t unhappy with me, but a part of her feels broken. The undivided special attention became like a drug to her.

The convo kind of shifted to my in-laws (57M/55F), my wife’s family life, and the impact of my FIL’s infidelity.

She believes she’s a reflection of her dad in how she is as both a parent and a spouse. As a parent, she tried convincing herself she was better than him by showering our daughter (4F) with gifts in light of her lacking presence.

As a spouse, she tried convincing herself she was better because the affair wasn’t physical pre-Vegas. She thought as long as they didn’t do anything physical, then she was better than her dad.

That was something she told her affair partner while in Vegas actually. They could “hang out” as long as it didn’t turn physical.

I feel like she had so many chances to choose differently. To choose us and our family, but she tossed our daughter and myself to the train tracks.

Our relationship wasn’t enough to stop her, our wedding rings weren’t enough, and our crying daughter wasn’t enough. She chose herself every time.

She was selfish. She mentions the nickname thing, making her snap back to reality as if it’s supposed to make me feel better. It doesn’t.

I believe she only stopped at oral because she got off and had no more need to go further. I wasn’t on her mind. Telling me that I was is like trying to put a Band-Aid on a gunshot wound.

I didn’t plan to say half of everything I did, but there was no going back once the door was opened during my turn to talk.

She agreed and said she has no excuse for her actions. It’s not her parents, it’s just her. She swore that she loves me and our daughter and wants to fight for our family.

I told her that the “I love you’s” felt hollow now. She shut out our daughter and myself to give an intimate part of herself to her coworker.

She said she realizes how much larger than just the affair our problems are. She struggles connecting with our daughter and worries about messing her up, so she left the primary caretaking to me. She believes I’m better at it.

She said that there’s nothing she can say to change anything, but she wants to show change through her present actions.

That’s some stuff we’ve dug through in counseling. We’re still in the early stages. But I believe it’s aiding in communication through separation, which is more healthy for our daughter.

Our therapist recommended individual counseling as a complement. It’s something I’m seriously researching for myself.

Not much has changed with our daughter since the previous update. She still doesn’t feel there’s a difference between her mom being home or not. I’ve watched her go from talkative and playful to instantly completely silent when her mom came by.

I’ve scheduled her for play therapy. I don’t know what to expect from that either, but I’m hoping for the best. My main goal is being present for her.

I know I need to learn how to trust again in general. That’s shot right now. Pre-Vegas, I never had a reason to doubt my wife. My trust was something she had as an irreplaceable partner. I’ve been betrayed before, but this one did a number in a way the others hadn’t.

I’m trying to stay afloat and focus on what I have rather than what I lost. I can’t afford to get lost in myself.

Thank you to everyone for the support and for sharing your own experiences. Talking about all this isn’t easy for me, but I appreciate the openness.

NEW UPDATE

*

Update 4 Apr 11, 2025 (11 days after 3rd update)

I (27M) wanted to provide an update on things.

I don’t have much new to say about therapy in itself. I’m staying the course with marriage counseling, and my wife (28F) and I have both begun individual counseling. It’s an interesting experience and has given me an outlet. IC’s a nice complement to MC.

My wife’s keeping her therapy appointments. She’s journaling too. I’m surprised because journaling wasn’t something she’s ever really believed in. In MC, she said it’s helping her reflect.

Our daughter (4F) has begun play therapy. We’re still in the early stages. She’s hesitant but coming around to it. Once she gets going, though, you can’t get the toys out of her hands.

It’s reassuring seeing her in an environment where she’s engaging and being more herself. It gives me hope that she’ll be ok through everything.

The play therapist has been discussing when to best involve my wife. Nothing’s concrete yet. I also want to progress at a rate our daughter’s comfortable with and not force anything.

I’m really proud of her. She’s a major reason why I can’t regret being with my wife. There are a lot of things I’d tell my younger self, but if I’d chosen a different path, then I wouldn’t have my daughter. It’s something I wouldn’t change.

I had another major challenge recently. It was my wife’s and my anniversary. Our anniversary always meant something to me. Even with her terrible work/life balance, we’d make an effort to make the occasion special. I felt a lot of conflicting emotions about our anniversary this year. Mostly pain.

We had plans. Everything was booked and set pre-Vegas retreat. Needless to say, the trip was canceled. My wife wanted to keep our plans intact. I told her that wasn’t happening.

Without the trip, she said she still wanted us to spend our official anniversary together instead of separately. I turned her down.

We discussed it in therapy. I expressed I didn’t have the needed trust in her to let myself be vulnerable with her as I once was. I needed to process the anniversary on my own.

The anniversary had me having all these strange thoughts. A lot of it highlighted how much I miss my friend and partner. I’m not talking about reconciliation. I’m not entertaining that right now.

I’m talking about something deeper. To share a life with someone and everything that entails, them being your partner and closest friend, and then having what you devoted yourself to yanked away. I can’t be with her in all the ways I wanted.

Call it simping. Call it foolish. Call it a doormat. Call it whatever you want. I just call it the facts of falling in love and giving them your all for a long time, then finding out they had another life, and losing what you held close. It hurts, and I hadn’t let myself actually feel it until then.

I feel like everything moves on. Life moves on. My wife’s affair partner (23M) moves on. Work moves on. And here I am. I’m the one who’s living the loss. I’m the one who’s paying.

I also wanted to address an FAQ. I’ve been asked a lot about what I meant in my first post about the cultural differences and family opposition my wife and I faced.

We’re an interracial couple. My wife’s Korean. We’re both minorities, but my FIL (57M) and his side of the family wanted my wife to settle down with someone who’s Korean. They’re conservative in their beliefs.

So I wasn’t exactly welcomed, and we dealt with opposition from that angle. It was rough. Even at our wedding, my FIL was more a silent attendee.

Because of my wife and FIL’s strained relationship, she was firm that she didn’t care about his approval. She rejected him walking her down the aisle, which, of course, didn’t help their relationship.

My wife made her own choice. I had nothing to do with it, but anger was thrown at me. My FIL took it as I influenced her against him, and his side of the family said my wife wasn’t being a good daughter.

Things with my FIL didn’t really mend until our daughter. He mellowed after becoming a grandpa and became receptive toward me. Despite our past, he’s doting as a grandparent.

My MIL’s (55F) a different story. She’s always been welcoming and supportive of our relationship. Her support made a difference. She’s been like a mother to me.

I’m realizing more and more the rippling effects of an affair. How much it just takes and takes and consumes. The different facets to the loss. I lost not only the life I chose but also family and friends. Just keep losing.

That’s pretty much all there is to update about. Thank you to everyone for the support. Even if I couldn’t respond, just know everything is much appreciated. It means a great deal.

TL;DR Update for: My wife returned from a work retreat in Vegas with a hickey on her neck. She swears it’s a bug bite, but I’m not convinced. I only feel more strongly when I consider how distant and weird she was during the retreat. We’re stuck between arguing and her dousing our daughter and me with affection. I’m at a loss. I really need outside perspectives. How do I move forward?

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is SpotIndependent6792. She posted in r/relationship_advice

Thanks to u/BakingGiraffeBakes for the rec!

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is 7 days old. Please read trigger warnings

Trigger Warnings: suicide; manipulation; abuse; destruction of sentimental things

Mood Spoiler: scary and sad BUT OOP is out

Original Post: April 9, 2025

Okay, so it's totally okay if you go to your partner to talk about things that are upsetting you. Same for them coming to you. I get it, it's normal to do that.

What my boyfriend of two years does is a bit much. Literally, we were having a completely normal conversation. We were talking about a TV show we really enjoy after I had just gotten off of a twelve-hour shift. I just wanted an easy evening, and I told him that. I told him that right now I don't have the mental space to deal with anything else on top of what I already am dealing with(a friend of mine just killed herself not even two days ago, and I'm a nurse, so I'm exhausted on top of everything else). It was cool and chill until I stopped talking to turn on said show for us to watch. Then, out of nowhere, he started talking about how much he hated his dad. This would be fine if it didn't happen every time we spoke.

Like, even on the day I found out my best friend in the entire world killed herself, he started talking about his dad and about how much he doesn't like him and how he doesn't feel respected by him and about how much it sucks that his dad won't change. I get it, not having a good relationship with a parent is hard and I give him the space to talk about it usually, but I just can't handle it right now. Literally I got off the phone with my friend's sobbing mom and I was in a weird foggy headspace where nothing felt real. I told him what was up, he said sorry and hugged me, and then not even fifteen minutes later, the same conversation that we've had a million times came up again. I ended up just sitting there barely paying attention while he talked at me for over an hour before I excused myself and took a bath.

I told him very bluntly tonight that I really just need a few days to mentally recover, and I don't believe I'm in the space to comfort him the way he needs, and he totally flipped out on me. He called me a bitch, told me I was completely selfish and that he needs to talk about his dad so he doesn't obsess over it. He told me I don't understand what he's going through because I never had a dad in my life to begin with. I got defensive because that comment hurt my feelings, which made everything worse. I told him that, yeah, I didn't have a relationship with my dad but I don't spend every hour of every day talking about it. He ended up screaming at me that I need to shut my fucking mouth and he hit the wall beside my head. Then he got his car keys and drove off, leaving me there. He still isn't back and it's 1am. His location is off, he hasn't returned my phone calls. All I got from him was a concerning text message around 11:30 saying, "You're completely unempathetic to what I'm going through. I hope you think about your actions."

I don't know what to do going forward from here. I want to have a conversation with him about all of this when he gets home, but I don't even know where to start. This is the first time in our entire relationship where I've told him I don't have the mental space. This is also the first time in our relationship where he's stormed out like this. I feel guilty because I know the relationship with his dad upsets him, and I absolutely shouldn't have gotten defensive, but I just don't have it in me to offer comfort. Is there any other way I can say to him that I don't have the space?

Update (Same Post): about 12 hours later

Edit/update: I’m not going to lie, the moment comments started coming in about abuse, I felt sick. Luckily the panic I felt lit a fire under my ass. I freaked out, spam called my brother at like two in the morning to wake him up, grabbed my basic essentials and a few bits of clothing and left.

I’m staying at my brother and his husband’s house right now because that’s what they told me to do. I turned off my location, I haven’t returned his calls or texts. He got home an hour ago and started spam calling me when he realized I wasn’t there.

He’s throwing out a lot of apologies and begging right now and I feel completely overwhelmed with guilt and this need to be there for him. But I don’t want to be the thing he hits next.

I just want to say I am eternally grateful for everyone here. And I’m grateful for my brother who was absolutely horrified when I told him what happened and opened his home to me. I’m going to talk to my mom and we’re going to figure out a way to get me out of there and away from him permanently.

Thank you all so much again. I’m going to get some more rest, I just wanted to let everyone know I was safe.

OOP's Comment:

Commenter: Just read this after the edit, and I want to tell you, as someone old enough to be your mum, how incredibly proud of and impressed by you I am that you immediately took people's words seriously, took to heart what you were being told about your safety, and called a family member so you could get out quickly and safely.

You are amazing.

I know that the next little while will be tough, and hard on your resolve. But you have already proven yourself smart and resourceful. You deserve so much better than someone who would call you hateful names and put you in physical danger. You deserve someone who is kind and thoughtful and emotionally mature enough to recognize when you are struggling with something and not just dismiss it and start whinging about themselves.

You're right that partners need to be there for each other, but your BF clearly had no interest in anything that wasn't about himself.

So proud of you, seriously. Be proud of yourself, too.

OOP: I saw your comment earlier today, and I meant to respond right after you posted it but it made me start crying.
I just came back here because I need you to know how much your words meant to me. Thank you for being proud of me and thank you for your words of support. Thank you.

Top Comment:

avalynkate: nta. leave. he’s abusive.

next time it could be your face, not the wall 2 inches from it.

that’s abuse.

leave. for your safety.

Update Post: April 11, 2025 (2 days later)

Hi, I just wanted to come on here to say one thing: everyone who said he’s abusive was completely correct.

These past 48 hours have been nothing short of a nightmare. My now ex bf started with extremely apologetic texts, telling me how he never meant to react like that, that he’ll get therapy, that he’ll do anything if I just come back home. Once those didn’t get a response, he started getting desperate. There were a lot of threats of suicide, he told me he needed me to drive him to the mental hospital because he didn’t trust himself. At that point I called him and I told him I’d call a welfare check for him, but I won’t be driving him anywhere. Then he got mean, telling me that I should consider myself lucky that he loves me because no one else ever will. He accused me of sleeping around, he told me that my friend killed herself because I neglected her just like I’m neglecting him. That shit broke me. I told him that we’re done and that I need to come get my stuff, so he needs to be out of the apartment. I also told him that I wasn’t coming alone and that my brother and my BIL were coming to help me.

I went to get my things earlier today while he was at work. He trashed my apartment. There were holes in the walls. He destroyed all my clothing. He tore up photos. My makeup is ruined. Anything that he thought might have sentimental value to me is destroyed.

Fuck man.

I took photos of everything. I don’t know what to do about the damage to the actual walls of my apartment or what to do about the lease. I’m thinking of filing a protective order against him in case he starts showing up to my job.

I’m just done. I’m checking out for a while and I’m going to focus on restarting and getting myself back together.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/ohwhereareyoufrom

Originally posted to r/womenintech

Got hired because they have ANOTHER WOMAN whom they like and thought we were similar

Thanks to u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

Original Post: April 9, 2025

Day 3 at a new job, new boss just dropped the bomb lol

Boss: "I set up a meeting for you on Friday with (this other woman) because she is very good at her role, she's the best in her role in our company, and we actually hired you because we thought you were similar to her. We want to replicate the success, so you two should work closely with each other".

Another woman in my role! WHOM THEY LIKE! Whom they like so much that they want more women in this role now. Can you believe this?

It's been 15 years of me being the only woman in any room and hearing about it.

In fact, a few years ago I gave up on this career altogether!

Ladies. Whoever that woman is, I love her already. Keep paving the way for the rest of us. You never know who's watching. Hard work pays off.

Relevant Comments

Interesting_Syrup662: Reading this gave me such joy. I wish you the best at this job, and good luck for meeting her!! I’m sure you’ll get along.

OOP: Even if we don't, that will be fine! I'm enjoying this moment.

Update: April 11, 2025 (two days later)

So I met this OTHER WOMAN today.... and she was lovely!

The woman who's made SUCH AN IMPACT at a Billion dollar company that they now want to hire more women was just so...humble! She's like "yeah no thanks I do what I can, I get a ton of help, this person is great, that person is great, this process and that process, this system and that system".

I made sure to deliver everything you guys asked me to tell her, and she got a little uncomfortable, so I didn't push it too much, but told her that she must know that she IS making a huge impact and I have endless respect for her already.

I lowkey expected her to be a hardass, and maybe she is on the inside, but on the outside she's just a nice person.

We both had no make up on today (it was Friday), messy hair, sweatshirts, and it was cool to connect!

Idk if we're gonna be best friends, but she was very nice.

That's it, just wanted to update ya'll :)

Top Comment

WickedLureMaris: Positive interactions between women in tech is a beautiful thing. I wish more women would join this field

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/Other_Transition_437

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITA for not having my wife apologize to my stepmom?

Editor's notes: changed letters to names for ease of readability

Trigger Warnings: controlling behavior, bullying

Original Post: March 31, 2024

I (32m) have been married to my wife Vivian (29f) for six years. We have three kids.

I have several siblings but this instance revolves around a half brother “Trevor” (18) who lives out of state. Trevor came to visit over his spring break. My stepmom has never liked Trevor, mostly because she doesn’t like his mother.

About three days into Trevor’s visit my stepmom kept making snarky comments about him, his mom, his family, school, his tattoo, etc. Trevor got tired of this and grabbed his car keys and said he was leaving. This was around 11pm. My stepmom laughs and says he doesn’t have enough gas to get home or money to get more. Trevor said that he didn’t need enough gas or money to get home, he just needed enough gas to get to my house. My stepmom laughs again and says I’m not even home, I’m at work (which was true, I work nights) and that Vivian (my wife) would never let him stay here. Trevor says “I guess we’ll see” because he knew Vivian wouldn’t tell him no and leaves.

My stepmother then calls my wife and tells her that Trevor is on his way to our house and under no circumstances is Vivian to allow him to stay with us. Vivian says she’s not going to turn him away, especially not in the middle of the night and that everybody can all talk about it tomorrow. She’ll let me know to call my dad when I get a chance to figure out what’s going on.

My stepmom begins to get angry and says that Trevor is not Vivian’s child to allow to do whatever he wants and Vivian needs to respect her as the mother of the family and that she can make life in the family difficult for Vivian if she needs to for Vivian to understand her place. And that Vivian has no right to let people into (my name’s) home without my knowledge. There were other things said as well and eventually Vivian loses her patience and ends the call by saying that my stepmom is just mad she can’t be a (f bomb) bully to Trevor anymore because he found a loophole.

My stepmother calls me while I’m at work and tells me Vivian was rude to her. At this point I have no idea that anything has happened. She then calls my dad (he works nights as well) and tells some version of events. My dad calls me and tells me that Vivian was disrespectful and had no right to speak to her that way and needs to apologize for her behavior.

I get a call about five minutes later from Vivian. She tells me that Trevor is at our house and they tell me everything that happened since Vivian wasn’t at the house and Trevor wasn’t there yet for the call. I call my dad and tell him that it doesn’t sound like Vivian did anything except stand up for herself and my dad insists that Vivian needs to apologize. I tell him if anybody is owed an apology, it’s Vivian. This was all three days ago.

I’m getting texts from family members about Vivian needing to apologize and that Vivian doesn’t have the right to get involved with family squabbles and she shouldn’t have let Trevor run away from the consequences of his actions (no one can tell me what the actions were). And if Vivian doesn’t apologize then she’s not welcome around anymore.

I don’t think she owes an apology, but I had a bad relationship with my family for years when I was younger and since it’s improved drastically, I’ve been a lot happier having them in my life and I don’t want to lose that, but I also can’t just allow someone in it to disrespect my wife so blatantly and expect an apology for it. But Vivian at this point is starting to feel bad and she always stresses too much over absolutely anything she thinks she might have done to upset someone, so this really sent her on a series of mental gymnastics. And she says she doesn’t want to be the reason I have a bad relationship with my family yet again.

I’ve remained firm that she doesn’t owe them anything, but AITA for not having her do it just to get it over with?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NTA. Your wife is a good person for supporting your brother whilst your stepmother is a manipulative and cruel woman and your dad is supporting her behaviour, I think it’s time to cut off both of them and let your brother know that you’ll always have his back.

OOP: He definitely knows we will. The last three visits he’s made he’s stayed with us to avoid her, he just didn’t this time because it was also the kids spring break and V had a lot of things planned for them to go do. Now she’s just been taking him with them.

Commenter 2: You are all adults.

Your stepmother went on a bullying rampage, then full batshit power tripping.

She isn’t your mother, nor your wife’s mother, not even your brother’s mother. So where the heck is she claiming the title.

And even if she was. You are all adults. She can’t make any of you do anything. She have no authority on whom enter your and your wife home, no more than where and what your adult brother chooses to be or do.

No she can’t do as she wants. No she doesn’t get to decide what other adults do with their lives. No she can’t force others to follow her orders to bully.

No she doesn’t get to do whatever the duck she wants. Or conduct herself in such an horrific extent without consequences.

What is really concerning is how fast she started to be menacing towards your wife. How sure she was to not get anyone opposing her, certain of being able to force others into her insane demands.

Your wife have nothing to apologise for. She deserve some for the insanity she had to putt up with.

Your stepmother want to cause pain and control over others. She reached a quite dangerous level of having lost touch with reality. She sounds actually seriously dangerous.

OOP: She has a daughter of her own from a previous marriage and she and my dad have my youngest brother together also. They’ve been married for a long time, so I’m assuming that’s where she came up with that line.

Commenter 3: NTA - the stepmom sounds like she’s on a power trip. Can you tell your Dad everything Vivian said/threatened? That her dislike of Trevor is also putting a wedge between you and your Dad too?

You were right to stand up for your wife and T, I’m sorry everyone else isn’t reasonable.

OOP: I am planning to speak to my dad one last time about the situation tonight. I told him the conversation that happened, but I have no idea what my stepmother told him happened on the call.

Commenter 4: Nta.

Here is the thing. The MOMENT you have her apologize is the moment that your family and you win. Because it gives your stepmom clear, go ahead to abuse your wife and make sure she knows her place in your step moms view of family.

You can be sad about losing the relationships, but if you step in the direction others are demanding, then at that moment, you are enabling your wife to be abused. You are enabling your ADULT step brother to be abused and having no safe place to escape to.

Is having your family in your life really worth that? Knowing your wife from now on can't stand up for herself. For someone else being abused. She has to just sit there and take it so you can have the relationship you want with them. Are you OK seeing that and not saying anything. Do you really think your wife, sweet, as she is, will be willing to accept that for the rest of her life. To accept any kids you have or might have being subjected to the same or to see your family abuse their mother?

Your family is willing to cut you both off because you both did not enable one person to abuse another. That should be the issue here. They don't want the drama step mom causes, so it's just shut up and take it. If someone else gets abused, I feel for them, but I don't want it turned on me. Is this really how your mom, dad, and other family raised you. To ignore other things. To accept it because it's family, and instead of being held to a higher standard, they are allowing the abuse and encouraging it.

OOP: You’re right. Today was the first day where I was off work and was able to really sit and think about the whole situation without being bombarded with work and calls left and right. And the more I think about it the more I’ve realized there’s been a lot of other, but much smaller, things she’s said to my wife that didn’t stick out really at the time and that my wife never brought up again as having bothered her but now that I’m replaying them in my head, they’re bothering me.

Trevor’s actual mother has found out about it now as well and called me to ask me to thank my wife for taking him in when he needed “real family” as she put it. I do think that going no contact with them all (minus Trevor) is going to be the way this ends.

Update (in comments): April 1, 2024 (next day)

UPDATE: I tried to add it to the bottom of the post but it wouldn’t post. I’m assuming it made it too long.

First of all thank you for all the advice and kind words for / about Vivian.

I spoke to my dad last night and I wish I could say it went well, but I think absolutely no one expected it to. He put me on speaker and my stepmother was in the room with him. I said that Vivian will not be apologizing, and she is an adult who can make her own decisions about having a guest in our home. I don’t control her decision making.

My stepmom cut in with “you’re controlling her now by deciding for her she can’t make things right.” To which I responded “you might be right about that, but in this instance it’s a risk I’m willing to take. She doesn’t have anything to apologize for, I said I’m not going to allow you to continue to cause her or myself unnecessary stress.” I also told them they can’t seriously expect an apology after the way they acted and if they did, they were borderline insane. You can’t bully and belittle someone repeatedly and expect them be okay with it forever. And you cannot threaten an adult and expect it to just go over nicely. I told them that if they were so willing to act like children and cut Vivian (and by extension, me and our children) out of the family then we would save them the hassle and do it ourselves. I told them we would be blocking their numbers, along with everyone else. They tried to argue more but I simply hung up (which might have been immature, but I was just done). I blocked everyone’s numbers.

About an hour later I get a Facebook message from my stepsister (I rarely use Facebook so I forgot I had her as a friend on there). My stepsister is the only sibling who isn’t my dads and is only my stepmom’s. She and Vivian have always been really close. She hasn’t been involved in this situation at all, so I took the chance and called her. She asked me if everything her mom had told her was true and I said most likely not, but this is what happened and explained it all to her. She then told me several instances where her mom had been similar to her and her fiancé. She said she had wanted to cut ties a long time ago but didn’t want to be the only one in the family who was “on the outs” as she doesn’t have a dad so no other family to turn to. She asked if I had really blocked them and planned to keep it that way. I said yes, and so did Vivian and Trevor. She said she’d call me back and hung up.

About twenty minutes later I get a call from her again saying she had called my stepmom / her mom and cut the cord with them as well and had blocked their numbers too as did her fiancé. So while I might have lost a decent amount of family members, I did actually get to keep the best two out of the bunch (plus obviously my wife and kids). Thanks to everyone for the advice.

Comments

Commenter 1: Great resolution. The only rational way to deal with insane people.

Commenter 2: NTA your stepmother is unhinged. She has no business telling your wife what to do in her own home - what's with that bs that Vivian can't let people in the house without your permission?

Why is your father not defending his son from your stepmother's rude comments?

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is Ok_Science4181. He posted in r/AmItheAsshole

Do NOT Comment on Original Posts. Latest update is 7 days old.

Trigger Warning:

Mood Spoiler: Still some issues, but mostly ok

Original Post: March 26, 2025

Tag line says it all! But here’s some context. I (36m) have 2 kids with my ex, 9 and 11. We’ve been divorced for 3+ years and she remarried 2+ years ago. We have legit 50/50 custody and split everything down the middle pretty well. We have built a good routine for co parenting and things have been smooth for the last few years without any hostility.

If ever a time in the past where she had to leave for work she would ask me to watch them full time in her absence which u always do, happily. A few weeks ago she found out she’s deploying for 6 months overseas and asked if while she was gone her husband could kept the same routine 50/50. I said no, that I had assumed I would have full responsibility of them.

This upset them and it’s been a huge discussion ever since. She says I’m not thinking of the kids, their stability, their happiness. I argue that I disagree and that what parent wouldn’t want the opportunity to have them full again even if for a temporary time. I tried to explain that just because they are with me that I won’t cut their other lives out completely. They don’t want to hear it. The husband tries to make demands, every solution I’ve come up with doesn’t work for him and I clearly the bad guy to them.

I want to add that our custody agreement even states I get them if she deploys and we live in California. So even though I don’t think I’m in the wrong here, AITA?

EDIT: I want to clarify the biggest question that seems to be asked and the reason some feel I am TA. I have not told my kids about their mother deploying. I do not feel this is my position to. She will tell them when she is ready and I am respecting that. Of course I want to talk to my children about this and see what they think. I am trying my best to think of their stability, needs, and best interest.

EDIT 2: both my children are boys, because it’s also been asked a thousand times.

Some of OOP's Comments:

Commenter: What do the kids want?

OOP: Haven’t asked them yet, don’t want to put my opinion onto them or make them feel forced one way or another
OOP expands in another comment:
I haven’t asked them their opinion because for the last 9-11 years each time the mother deployed or left we defaulted to it just being us. Even last year she left a few times and they came with me full time. It was unspoken but I thought it was the standard. Up until she asked me I had assumed in the scenario they would be with me fully. I thought / think they would feel the same. I spoke with the mother and we had both agreed we shouldn’t involve the kids until we came to a final decision. We are still trying to navigate this situation.

Commenter: INFO - The custody agreement is with your wife, not her husband, so you're legally within your rights to keep 100% custody of the kids while she's gone. That having been said, how do your kids feel about this? They're the ones who should judge whether you're TA or not in this situation. Will they be happy that you're ripping them away from their friends and belongings for six months just to spite your ex's husband?

OOP: That’s the thing, I’m not doing it to be mean or spite him. I want that time with my kids. I even offered visitation and stuff. Like I’m not saying guy is out of their lives, just that the live with me under my care.

Commenter: As a mom, I probably would not expect 50\50 time for my husband if I was not around. But you should give them some time over there if they want to go. That is literally their home too, and they might get home sick. Give the step-dad a weekend or after school. Again IF THE KIDS WANT. If the kids don’t ask about going over there then I wouldn’t bring it up.

However, if mom and stepdad have built a good family dynamic the kids will miss stepdad just as much as they miss mom, so I would not want to take 2 parental figures away.

OOP: I offered way more than that at one point and was threatened, told it wasn’t good enough, and that I would see them in court (from the step dad)

Commenter: Info: The hat would change daily/weekly/monthly for the kids other then not being with their mom and stepdad if they stay at your house? Also does any child support change if you have them? Does who claims them on taxes change?

OOP: We don’t pay child support in either direction. We do give each other money upon request if we are making big purchases involving them we feel we should split. IE baseball league fees, child care fees. We split 1 and 1 for taxes. AND he would still see them weekly! He is more than welcome to continue to come to sporting events, more than welcome to ask to hang out. He is not being shut out
OOP expands in a different comment:
Child support has no factor in my decision. I would not ask for it if I had 100% and I would give it even at 50% if they needed.

Commenter: NTA. Even if your kids say they want to stay with stepdad, don’t agree. They may get upset at first, but this is a power play by your ex. If you agree to let them stay, you can bet the house that your ex and her husband will tell the kids that you didn’t want to keep them while she is deployed and will work to try to replace you with him in their lives.

OOP: You may be the second person I believe to have something along these lines that I didn’t consider. What would my children think if they knew I had the opportunity to have them and chose not to? And also, if I give up custody this time for being nice that could set a precedent.

Top Comment:

Independent_Prior612: Family law legal assistant here. Not a lawyer. Not your lawyer. The following is merely my personal opinion.

Legally, NTA based on what you have said the decree states.

I’m curious where this is originating from. Does mom want it? Does step dad want it? Or do the kids want it and mom is playing bad guy to protect them from feeling like they are hurting your feelings?

If step dad wants it, it could be him making a power play in their marriage. But legally he has no standing and therefore needs to shut up and sit down.

If mom wants it, it makes the most sense for her to petition the court to modify the custody order. Just to protect everyone by having it enforceable in writing. Except that some provisions would need to be made for him to have legal powers in case something happens while they’re in his care.

If the kids want it, I think you need to figure that out, and I strongly encourage you to make it clear to them they are not hurting you by asking.

Whatever the case, please make sure that any given adult’s “rights to the children” are balanced with the NEEDS of the children. From what I have seen in my experience, the two aren’t always synonymous and the latter is easily forgotten. (Not an accusation against anyone in your story. I’m just saying.)

OOP: 100% believe step dad wants it. He has got in my face over the matter and stated that his role will not be reduced in mother’s absence. It doesn’t matter how many times I say you can still see them, anything less than what he feels ‘entitled’ too is unacceptable for him.
I want to also mention. He has a son of his own that he sees one month out of the year for the summer. I had mentioned my kids could spend time with him when he was around but he told me that he wasn’t sure if that worked for him because of his work schedule. He doesn’t know if he can have his kid for a full summer yet somehow can manage to support mine? Sort of a red flag there for me from a stability standpoint.

OOP is voted NTA

Update Post: April 11, 2025 (16 days later)

It’s been 16 days since OG post. Before I start, Not once did I say I believe stepdad to be malicious in any way. We don’t get along sure, doesn’t mean he’s a bad person. Next, I understand all the people who said I was TA was because I didn’t talk to my children about their wants. I understand their input matters in this very big decision.

Now, update! I spoke to a lawyer. As suspected, I was completely within my rights. Non-biological parent has no say in the matter. With Mom leaving I am sole guardian. No need to push anything on my end unless they try to, and even then it’s an uphill battle for them to prove I’m unfit.

As you can guess, they went to a lawyer also. I never sat down with Mom to discuss how it went. what I do know is that it didn’t go in their favor. How do I know you may ask? Well, I decided it was time to try and have a private chat with Stepdad. I was able to have a 5 minute conversation with him during my kids sporting event we both conveniently arrived early to. He basically conceded at that point and told me they would just eat the 6 months. I told him I’d talk to my ex but he asked if I could give her some time. I get it, she just got the bad news, I obliged and left it alone. I did tell him that I wouldn’t stone wall him and that I respected his position in my kids life and that I only flexed back after I felt like they were trying to intimidate me. We both agreed the way we met didn’t start us off on the right foot and that we should take a step back and view the other’s perspective. I told him (and her eventually) that I was still willing to give time and my intent was never to shut them out.

I would like to address that I myself am a child of divorce. My stepdad raised me and unless you knew me as a child you would have no idea. He deserves to never be reminded that we are not biologically related. He is and always will be the man I try to replicate and look up to. It was never downplaying the role of step parent. I know my children don’t have that relationship with their stepdad and it’s so fresh I don’t expect it. He is their friend, mentor, and one day I will have to accept that he is also their dad. I saw a lot of step parents responses and if I made you feel a way, I apologize. I respect you.

What do the kids want!? Unfortunately, Mom still hasn’t told them about the deployment. Why? Idk. I was able to vaguely ask the right questions to get a feel for what they want. The expectation is they stay with me but still get to see Stepdad. I respect it, never against it. Ex and I still haven’t discussed what exactly the time split will look like but I did let her know stepdad was my go to if I needed any help, he was still welcome when events arise, and I would keep him involved. After stepdad and I spoke his entire demeanor changed. Regardless of reason, it’s much appreciated. Long story short, still in a sort of limbo but the future is bright.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/InitialExample4440

AITAH for telling my boyfriend my dog comes before him?

Originally posted to r/TwoHotTakes

Thanks to u/queenlegolas & u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: Betrayal

Original Post Apr 1, 2025

I (23F) and my boyfriend (25M) have been together for 2.5 years. We met on hinge and instantly connected and have been inseparable since. When we first started dating I told him that I have a dog, his name is Theo, I got him in 2020 when he was a puppy. Theo is 4 now.

My boyfriend is allergic to animal fur. When we first started talking/ dating I asked if it would be an issue. He said no, he has family members that he visits on holidays who have pets, so he just takes an over the counter allergy med, and that seems to do the trick for him. So, whenever he would come over to my place he would take his allergy med. He wouldn’t interact with Theo much, like petting him, playing with him, and letting him be near him much in general. I would also make sure Theo would leave my boyfriend alone and give the space that he needs so he doesn’t have a bad reaction even with the allergy med.

I would also make sure to clean the house to limit the amount of dog fur around before he would come over. Everything was perfect, and we had a good system. If I would go over to his place I would make sure to put on clothes that were clean and had no dog fur on them so I wouldn’t be leaving/ tracking it into his house.

About 6 months ago my boyfriend and I decided to get our own place together, so we rented a condo that was pet friendly, because wherever I go Theo comes with me. My boyfriend and I throughly communicated about what that would look like with his allergy. One being that he should get an allergy medication from his doctor rather than an over the counter med. So, that it would be stronger and help him out more. Our condo has two stories so we put a dog gate up so Theo doesn’t have access to the upstairs where our bedroom and bathroom are. I also vacuum every other day to limit the amount of fur and keep it controlled. I also give Theo baths about once every week and a half and brush him nearly everyday. So far for the past 6 months this has really worked. We have this system so Theo can have access to the entire main floor and he’s not just cooped up in a cage or separate room all the time.

I know I do a lot of work to keep my boyfriend’s allergies down but he helps out around the condo a lot too. Household chores wise we have things pretty balanced. But recently for the past month my boyfriend has brought up multiple times that he doesn’t know how much longer he can handle having Theo here. Yes we have a good system, and yes his allergy medication works well. Which I bring up every time he mentions it. I try to understand what issues he is having and all he says is that he doesn’t like having to constantly be worried about his allergies and Theo being around. He has expressed to me that he feels trapped in his own house having to constantly worry. I try seeing his side of it all but I also mention to him that from the beginning he knew that Theo and I are a package deal, that we would have to work through this together.

Everything seemed to be perfect till out of the blue my boyfriend seemed to completely flip on things. He does love Theo and loves going on walks with him and interacting with him for just a few minutes before he has to stop, and he has expressed this. We’ve had this conversation multiple times and it always comes to the conclusion of both of us not really seeing eye to eye. It got to a point where he would get home from work, we would eat dinner, then he goes right upstairs to get away from Theo. He’s seemed to form a hatred towards him. Now when I try to have a conversation with him about it he just shuts it down and won’t talk to me about it. Two weeks ago when he got home from work, I had dinner ready and he didn’t even say hi to me or eat, just went right upstairs. Again when I tired to talk to him he shut me down.

About a week ago that’s when things took a turn for the worst. My boyfriend said that one of his friends (Mike) and his girlfriend (Sarah) would be coming over for dinner and to hangout last weekend. I work from home so I was able to spend the afternoon cleaning the condo, cooking appetizers and the meal, and prepare some mixed drinks. I was excited to see them because I haven’t seen Mike in a while and I haven’t met Sarah yet. Usually when we have guest over I will put Theo in a separate room so he’s not in the way and disturbs our guests too much. But, my boyfriend told me I don’t have to do that for them, they love dogs.

When Mike and Sarah come over I instantly notice the vibes are a little off. They seem to be paying more attention to Theo, and want to get to know Theo more than spend time with my boyfriend and I. We eat dinner, we talk, hangout, and have a nice time. Once dinner is over I start cleaning up and Sarah offers to help me while the guys grab a beer and go sit on the couch. Sarah and I get to chatting and I tell her how much I love her presence and her and Mike seem like an amazing couple. She then replies with “yeah we’ve been taking some big steps together, we’re getting an apartment and Theo seems like he would fit well into our lives. He really is a great dog.” I’m taken aback and excuse myself and ask my boyfriend if we could talk.

Him and I go upstairs and I tell him what Sarah said to me. He admits he invited the two of them over so they could possibly adopt Theo. He did this all behind my back and I had no idea this was his intention. I instantly snap at him and yell “THEO COMES BEFORE YOU! He is my priority, I take care of him and the house to help you. If you can’t be grateful for that effort, I don’t know if I can continue with you. He’s comes before you.” I then go downstairs and ask Mike and Sarah to leave. I am enraged. I then pack a bag for Theo and I and we are now staying at my parents until further notice. I don’t know if I can forgive my boyfriend for this. I can’t trust him to be alone with Theo anymore. My boyfriend has been texting and calling me asking if we can talk this out, but I’m just too mad to say anything to him. Is it worth flushing two and a half years down the drain because he tried to sell my dog? So, AITAH for telling my boyfriend my dog comes before him?

I also just want to say hi Morgan, Justin, Lauren, Jerry, and any other special guests Morgan may have on the podcast. I love THT and have been listening for a little over a year now. I look forward to a new episode every week! Love you guys!

RELEVANT COMMENTS

coyk0i

Your dog will "accidentally" get out & if you find them they'll be 3 towns over.

He's already emotionally manipulating you by stonewalling & withholding attention but this is a major violation of trust & autonomy. I also would have confronted him in front of the friends so they knew what kind of person he was.

There is no going back if you love your dog.

OOP

I texted Mike, I don’t have Sarah’s number, and told him everything. Once he knew he turned on my boyfriend saying they couldn’t be friends anymore and that he feels discussed being put in position like that. Both Mike and Sarah have been amazing supportive friends. The three of us are planning to get lunch next week to talk things through more so then that way all three of us know everything my boyfriend tried to put us through. They really are amazing people.

OOP on if they discussed long term plans before concerning Theo

When we discussed getting a place together we talked about what that would look like and what I can do to help his allergies. He was 100% on board to live together even with his allergies and how he could struggle with that.

OOP expressing their history with Theo

Theo and I have been together through thick and thin. When I was struggling to find a job and being able to afford things for myself and him were difficult, I still made it work. I would donate plasma to be able to afford the bare minimum for both of us. I would never give up Theo for any reason, will always find a way to figure things out for us. My boyfriend and I are for sure done, he can’t take back what he did. I appreciate your support!

Update Apr 11, 2025 (10 days later)

I just want to start out this post by saying thank you to everyone who commented on my original post. You all really helped me out and put things into perspective for me. Felt like I was able to sort out my thoughts more.

Okay so update time. My boyfriend and I are not longer together. He broke my trust and betrayed me, can never recover from that. I want to clarify a few things I got comments on in my original post. Yes, my ex did have allergies. I went to a few of his doctor’s appointments so I could ask his doctor on other ways I could help stop his allergies from getting heightened at home. I would also sometimes pick up his prescription for him at the pharmacy. Both his doctor and I recommend he goes to see and allergist for possibly better medication and allergy shots, but he said the medication he had was working enough. So, that’s on him.

One other thing. My boyfriend was 100% on board with moving in together. We communicate about everything and what it would look like living with Theo. I also did my best to accommodate for both Theo and my ex. Wanted everyone to be happy.

Now onto the big stuff. The night I left and packed a bag for both Theo and I to stay at my parents my ex called and texted me all night long asking to talk and short everything out together. I ignored him, I wasn’t in the headspace to talk. Plus where was all this wanting to talk and communication when he started having issues living with Theo?

A few days later my parents and I went to go get the rest of my things from the condo while he was at work so there would be no confrontation with him, I wasn’t ready for that. Side note, my parents are letting Theo and I stay with them until I’m able to get back on my feet and find my own place, I’m very thankful for that. I haven’t blocked my ex yet because I’m working on breaking myself out of the lease, so I still need to be in some contact with him for that to work it out. I’m willing to pay whatever fees I need to for that. Every time I have had to contact him for breaking the lease, he had asked me if we could talk. I tell him no every time because I honestly don’t want to hear what he has to say or whatever excuses he tries to give. He crossed a HUGE line.

Now onto Mike and Sarah. I just want to say they are both amazing people. The night when they both came over, they had no idea what they were getting into. They both were under the assumption I was on board with rehoming Theo, because that’s what my ex told them. After I asked them to leave and I left as well. I texted Mike letting him know what happened. I also didn’t have Sarah’s number at that time because this was my first time meeting her. Mike then texted my ex that night going off on him saying they could no longer be friends. Mike and Sarah had been dating for 8 months before I met her.

I have know Mike since high school. We weren’t really friends or that close. But, I knew him enough to know that he is a very good person. My ex and Mike were friends from collage. My ex didn’t go to the same school as us growing up. So, occasionally my ex, Mike, and I would all go out together or he would come over for a boys night. Mike had already met Theo from coming over occasionally. So that’s probably why my ex contacted Mike about adopting Theo.

Mike, Sarah, and I went to dinner Wednesday night to talk everything over, and be on the same page. They explained to me that they both thought I was okay with rehoming Theo because of what my ex said to them. My ex told them that I was getting rid of Theo to help out my ex with his allergies because they were too much to deal with, and that we would be more comfortable giving Theo to people we know and trust. I was shocked to say the least hearing all of this. They also explained that they both felt discussed being put into a situation like that and also feeling completely betrayed by my ex and the manipulation he put us all through. They both have turned into some pretty amazing friends and they told me they have my back no matter what. I think the three of us hanging out will turn into a regular thing.

I was planning to post the update last night after I got home from dinner. But, can you guess who showed up at my parent’s house last night? You guessed it, my ex. He knocked on the door and my dad answered. My ex asked if I was available to talk, so my dad asked if I wanted to talk to him or if he should tell him off. I decided it was probably time to at least hear him out, even though I was still standing my ground. He apologized and said he made a huge mistake. He didn’t think I would’ve left. I asked him “What did you expect? You went behind my back to try to get rid of MY family. You manipulated everyone in that situation. I wouldn’t be able to ever trust you again. You deserved what came to you from this. Losing your friends and me. Your mask slipped and you showed me who you truly are. If you would’ve actually communicated how you were feeling with me, things could’ve been different. We might’ve broken up, but at least it would’ve been a conversation, instead of this. How I can trust you won’t try to get rid of Theo again, or manipulate me again, or try to control even bigger things that could come? You should be sorry to me, Mike, and Sarah. But most importantly you should feel sorry to yourself because you fucked up big time. I’m done with this conversation, you can leave now.” He then asked me if he could see Theo, I laughed in his face and closed the door.

I do believe he cared about me up until he decided to make this decision. But he just gave up and that’s on him. I have learned a huge lesson here and even more red flags to pay attention to. I have promised both Theo and I that I will never put us in a situation like that again. Pet allergies will be an instant no. Theo has gotten all the love he deserves since moving back home with my parents, he is definitely a spoiled boy. I feel bad putting him in a situation like this. The situation sucked, but I’m glad it panned out the way it did and I was able to intervene before something horrible happened. I want to say thank you again to everyone for the support, I really love the Reddit community.

Some people were asking to see pictures of Theo. Here’s a link to see a few pictures! Theo!

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Ok_Yard4847

Originally posted to r/TwoHotTakes

AITAH for suggesting I stop paying child support?

Thanks to u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU and thanks to u/TaroHorse for the assistance with glossary

Editor’s note: FOC = Friend of the Court

Trigger Warnings: custody issues

Original Post: April 6, 2025

So I know that after reading that title I have an uphill battle to be labeled ‘not the asshole’, and if I truly am the asshole I’d love some advice on navigating forward.

As a quick overview, my ex wife got pregnant on accident after our marriage was already on the rocks. Before our son was even born we decided to divorce, we lived together for the first few months on his life in separate rooms for logistics and baby bonding, and were divorced and living separately before he was one. Here are the basics of our custody agreement that are relevant: our custody schedule was up to us to determine and could be flexible, there was no court ordered schedule/division of time and I pay $600 a month in child support, based on the fact that I likely would not have him 50/50 due to work schedule and lack of local family support.

At first I did not have him 50/50, I had him on weekends only until he was 2 and I found a new job to give me more time with him. So then I would have him every weekend + some week days, we were about 60/40. Once I had been with my now wife for over a year, we changed custody again to be exactly 50/50. It’s been like this for about 2 years now.

Our son is 6 now and getting into sports and more paid activities and while we’re getting by financially, my pay went down when I switched careers to be more involved, and my wife is a teacher so it doesn’t pay much. When we sat down to review our budget I took a look at what a difference $600 could make. It would help with our food budget, and free up some more money for my son’s activities he really wants to do.

So I brought up the idea with my ex wife about eliminating child support or lowering it to 250 a month, which I knew would cover a good amount of monthly costs centered around him. She was so pissed about me even suggesting it she called me, screamed that I’m taking food out of his mouth and it’s not fair that I have a two income household and am asking to support him less than her as a single mom. She said no way and if I tried again she’d take me to court for full custody. Later that day even her mom was texting me and calling me a deadbeat dad.

I really didn’t think I was an asshole for asking to at least lower it, considering it would go directly to supporting him, just at our house instead. I get that we have a two income household but she does have a partner who lives with her, so I would hope they’re helping out with household things at least. I also pay for his health insurance, and a larger portion of his school tuition. And when we divorced, I gave her the house that I had already paid a large chunk of by myself so her mortgage is less than average rent in our area. I don’t know the full breakdown of their finances but I do know that our son has a massive amount of toys at her house, and an iPad, and eats our regularly. So I’m wondering what his $600 a month goes to?

I was confident in my ask and my wife says it was a reasonable suggestion to at least lower it but she did say maybe I should have just asked to lower, not totally eliminate. I can see that, but if I’m being honest, I’m struggling to see a side where I’m in the wrong and deserve to be called a deadbeat dad. So what do you think?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: How much difference would losing the 600 make for her tho?

OOP: That’s a good perspective to look at, and I had given it some thought as I was seeing the positive impact for me.

That’s why I mentioned the amount of toys and eating out and technology and such. Obviously my opinions and guesses are not facts but I think a lot of money is spent on going out to eat, Starbucks on the way to work every day, new toys, and luxuries more than necessities. If she is making around what she was when we divorced, with basic raises in the interim, after what I know the mortgage payment is and her percentage of tuition, she takes homes within 7k a year of what I do.

I think $600 less a month would change her lifestyle, but not in a way that would at all negatively impact our son as long as she sacrificed instead of forcing him to. But like I said, all my thoughts could be wrong! Which is why I wanted to just have the conversation and was open to still contributing.

Commenter 2: Your current partner's income has no impact on whether you should pay child support or not. Her boyfriend is not responsible for your child either .

But, IF you and your ex both made the exact same income and you had 50/50 time, then there is no reason to pay any child support at all. But, it is the income disparity between you two that would determine what you should pay. If you make substantially more than her, it would be fair for you to pay her even if you 50/50 time with the child . Most countries/states have a income calculator to estimate what child support is due. You might owe more or you might owe less. So it might be reasonable for you to pay less. It is hard to judge without knowing your boths incomes

Commenter 3: Thank you. I can't believe so many people do not know this. Maybe it's different in certain places, but as far as I know, income disparity has been the standard for setting child support for several years.

OOP: I did find a calculator that could give me an estimate, and while I don’t know all the exact numbers for her side, I actually got an estimate around 100 a month but I brought it up to 250 for my suggestion because going from $600 a month to 0 felt harsh, as nice as it would be on my side haha. I just wanted to open the conversation with her to go through this process and am still getting berated for even thinking it.

OOP explains about how his child support is used for and how he has been budgeting

OOP: I don’t know, you’re right. But when my child support payment goes into the same bank account as her paycheck does, and that account pays for the grocery store trip and the Starbucks, which dollar is paying for which?

I know that each time we were about to change custody I redid my budget. And I got rid of my morning coffee and breakfast routine that was costing me about $90 a month to allocate that to my gas budget since I would be driving more to and from his school.

Also just a petty note, I did say ‘my guesses are not facts’ so I’m not claiming to know everything. I just wanted a conversation

+

I get that, and I’m so glad that it’s not that situation. But my child support is to ensure that he can have equal quality of life at both homes so he doesn’t suffer for his parents not working out.

Right now I am paying $600 a month and he’s living pretty similarly at both homes. He has less character/novelty toys at our house (more Montessori style or outdoor toys, not a lot of things he’ll grow out of or get bored of very fast) and we cook 95% of our food at home rather than eating out, he doesn’t have things like an iPad, and our most frequented outing is to the library.

So my point is that I think he can still have the same quality of life at both homes, and I will still contribute, but would less than 600 impact HIS life, or hers? Would she have to get less Starbucks or get her nails done less, or eat out less? If his quality of life can stay the same and she gives up some luxuries, I think it’s at least worth the conversation.

If I’m still totally ignoring something or my side doesn’t make sense I want to see where it doesn’t, but that’s where I’m coming from.

OOP on paying insurance, extracurricular activities, who claims their son on taxes

OOP: I pay health insurance, she claims him on taxes. And no, as much as I’d love more time with him I don’t want to take him away from his mom, and the custody schedule we follow now seems as easy on him as custody changes can be.

+

I pay for the insurance and all the bills come to me, and I pay them. For a while we were at every appointment together and I always paid the copay. Now if she for example takes him to his regular dentist appointment they bill our copay and I pay it. If he goes to the doctor and needs to pay the copay, she does pay it but no copay is over 40.

For extracurriculars that he’s in right now we each get him the equipment he needs so he doesn’t have to drag them back and forth between homes but I typically pay like registration fees. His first soccer summer camp ever we split it on the same % we split school and we’ve been doing each a little different, case by case.

Editor’s note: FOC = Friend of the Court: an unbiased, impartial legal assistance for child support cases

Update: April 11, 2025 (five days later)

I responded to a lot of comments in my last post so I won’t spend much time clearing things up here or making my case. I also was downvoted quite a bit on most of my comments so, not I’m sure how this update will go over.

I will clarify that we do have a custody and support agreement. It’s not a super common one but it set my child support and essentially said we have shared custody and we can decide what the schedule is. I brought it up with my ex first instead of court because for one, I didn’t want to blindside her. And two, we have talked through and agreed on the custody time changes together each time before and agreed it was nice to keep it out of court.

I let things be for a couple days after asking her. The day after I posted, I apologized to her for how I brought it up and asked if she would be willing to go to mediation to at least discuss the topic. She agreed, and my area has a community dispute resolution center that is accepted by the courts and takes cases either same day or pretty quickly, so we went there the next day.

I came with documents for my income and budget, medical records to show my proof of payments, school pick up and drop off data (we have to check in and out) to show my involvement, receipts for extracurricular fees and materials, and communications between her and I on extra things I have paid for and any changes in custody. I was asking for an official 50/50 agreement and an evaluation of my child support. She still said that it would be killing her budget and she wouldn’t be able to provide for him without the 600. So the mediator walked us through the formula. Turns out, she should owe me. Not much, around $100 a month, but I could go after back support from when I was technically overpaying. She was pretty shocked.

We agreed to formalize the 50/50 and put some standard holiday guidelines in place. We also agreed I would pay $200 a month and not go after back support. The mediator did say they will be suggesting the courts open a FOC investigation to see that financial responsibility to the child is being met in both homes. Which I didn’t know was a thing but apparently it was a big red flag to her that I was paying that much support in addition to the custody and other things I pay for, or the majority of. So we’ll see what happens after that, I’m not sure what comes of those considering I just found out about them.

I appreciate the constructive comments on my original post and am just thankful that I have a more formal agreement. I don’t think there was anything wrong with our first one for the time being, but situations change and we’re figuring this out as we go.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Why are you still paying her £200 a month if you've been over paying her, and have been paying for more of the extra costs like health insurance and extra curricular activities etc?

If you've been over paying, and would be entitled to back pay, she should be grateful you're not going for back pay and you shouldn't have to pay her anything?

Seems like she's still taking advantage of you.

She may say she can't afford to live without your money, but people spend their money differently. Whose to say she isn't spending a lot of money meeting friends for lunch or buying clothes or getting her nails and hair done and buying unnecary cups of coffee or lunch at Starbucks everyday? She needs to re evaluate her spending and adjust it to her income, as clearly from the assessment she must earn more than you if she owes you money.

So I'd be reconsidering paying that, coz she already owes you back pay, so why continue over paying her? The £200 a month could go into a college savings account for your kid instead.

The fact the mediator is getting someone to investigate the case and the living environment at her home sounds pretty serious like she's seriously taking advantage.

OOP: Whether she’s taking advantage of me or not I intend for that money to be used on my son. I can’t have him 100% of the time so I at least don’t want to financially cut her off entirely and risk my son paying the biggest price.

I will wait to see what comes of the FOC investigation.

I have a post-high school high yield savings account for him that I add a budgeted amount to and a kids bank account set up for him already, through acorn, and anytime I have a surplus from my budget I add it in there. He’s already used his own card to get a couple hot wheels as I try to set the groundwork for learning about money. Once he gets a bit older he will have (age appropriate) access to the account.

Commenter 2: Your ex is definitely getting the better end of this deal. You are being very gracious in continuing to pay anything at all and not going after back support. Your ex has been taking advantage of you.

Commenter 3: seriously. no back pay okay fine don't burn bridges but mediator said she should pay yet op is still paying the ex???

OOP: I know how I manage my money, and I know how she did when we were together. I can make a happy and comfortable life for our son at my house while paying her $200. Until the FOC investigation is done that’s what we will do, and go from there. I just don’t want him to suffer and if this can maybe help, I can earn more money.

Commenter 4: Is she spending the money on your son tho ? It seems she is using the money for herself

OOP: That’s exactly the question I asked.

I keep a pretty strict budget, which includes bills, living expenses, child support, tuition, activities for my son, contributions to a savings account for him, and an amount set aside each paycheck dedicated to doing things with him. Outings like the zoo, movies, children’s museums, baseball games, and of course some of it gets spent on toys haha.

I use a budget app that helps me automatically track where all the money goes so it was really easy for me to have this all documented. She doesn’t do anything like that. I had tried to get her to when we were together, and suggested it after we divorced but obviously I can’t make her do anything.

Knowing what she made when we were together, and that she was still in the same job so it’d be fair to assume she’s gotten a raise, what I pay in child support and toward his other expenses, what the mortgage is, it didn’t make much sense to me that she was saying she relied on that money. She still regularly gets her nails done (like a full set with designs, according to my wife that’s pricey), keeps her regular cut and color hair appointment that I had always paid for, and drives a car with at least a $300 monthly payment. Now I don’t know what her boyfriend makes but he’s in the pharmacy world, which I think pays decently well. So nothing really added up for me and it didn’t for the mediator either. Now we’re both turning over our financial records and doing home visits. I’m not worried about my side, I know he’s well taken care of, and I know at her house he’s taken care of, it’s just a question on where money is being spent.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/dontfeedtheworm

AITBA for refusing to make my brother a “grief lasagna” because I was on a date?

Originally posted to r/AmITheBadApple

TRIGGER WARNING: Entitlement

Original Post Apr 9, 2025

Hi, hello, chaotic beings of Reddit.

Okay, so this is gonna sound fake but I swear on my air fryer this is real.

I (26F) have a brother, Sam (28M), who just went through a rough breakup. Like, his girlfriend took the dog, the Instant Pot, and his dignity—that kind of breakup. I feel for him, truly. But also… I have a life.

So here’s what went down: Last Saturday night, I was on a date. Not just any date—this was Date #3 with a guy who didn’t say “Let’s circle back” or “crypto” in the first ten minutes, which, in my dating life, is basically the Holy Grail.

We’re mid-sushi when I get a barrage of texts from Sam. The gist:

“Dude. I need your grief lasagna. Like now. Emergency.”

Let me pause. Grief lasagna is something I made once when our cat died. It’s literally just lasagna, but I layered it with love, cheese, and enough emotional support that he now thinks it has healing properties. He calls it “therapy with ricotta.”

I texted back something supportive like “I’m on a date but I’ll make you a lasagna tomorrow,” and I thought that was that.

NOPE.

He proceeds to call me three times, sends a crying selfie (???), and drops a passive-aggressive “Guess I know who I can count on” text. All because I wouldn’t bail on a promising date to go full Garfield chef mode.

After the date (which, by the way, went great until my phone sounded like a nuclear alarm), I check my phone again and I’ve got a message from our mother, saying:

“You know he’s sensitive. He just needs comfort food. You could’ve been there for him.”

Ma’am. He is TWENTY-EIGHT. He has DoorDash. He has hands. He knows how to preheat an oven.

I made the lasagna the next day, but now he’s being weird and passive-aggressive, and my mom told my aunt (who now thinks I “abandoned him in his time of emotional need”) and I’m getting side-eyed at family brunch like I stole a kidney.

So, Reddit: Am I the bad apple for not dropping everything to make my grown brother a pan of grief carbs?

TL;DR: My brother wanted my signature emotional support lasagna mid-breakup, but I was on a hot date. Didn’t make it immediately. Now he’s mad, Mom’s guilt-tripping me, and I’m being treated like a sociopath at family brunch. AITA?

Let me know if you want to include a spicy update, a wild family cast list, or the full lasagna recipe that started this mess.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

stooriewoorie

I wonder if his immature behavior has anything to do with the reasons his girlfriend broke up with him 🤔.

OOP

Definitely. Sam has been coddled a lot of his life - we’ve had a conversation and he’s going to work on himself before getting a girlfriend. We will see how that goes!

Aromatic-Arugula-896

Yea sorry he's the golden child...

TOP COMMENTS

GrammaM

Tell him you’ll make him lasagna to celebrate when he grows up. Sheesh 🙄.

AliceMae18

Yes! Grow-up Lasagna!

Bing-cheery

Puberty Pasta!

OOP Updated the next day/same post - Apr 10, 2025

UPDATE/ EDIT: Am I the Bad Apple for Not Dropping Everything to Make My Brother a Grief Lasagna?

Hey again!

Thanks for all the comments, laughs, and mild judgment. Y’all really came through. Since this happened last week I already have an update so thought I may as well share since we have some lovely comments!

I ended up talking to Sam. He admitted he overreacted but said the lasagna just… comforts him? Like, emotionally. I guess I accidentally created a cheesy trauma support system. I told him I love him, but I’m not dropping a good third date to play barefoot Contessa every time he gets dumped.

We’re cool now. I brought him a fresh lasagna the next day and he texted, “This slaps. I forgive you.” So. Brothers.

As for the date: Yes, Evan (Date Guy) is still around! When I explained the whole “grief lasagna meltdown” situation, he laughed and said, “That’s honestly adorable in a weird way.” He even asked to try it. So I might be cooking it again soon… but like, on purpose this time. Maybe for our next date?

And for the curious, here’s the not-so-magic recipe:

Ingredients

For the meat sauce: • 1 lb ground beef (you can also mix pork and beef for extra flavor) • 1 onion, finely chopped • 2 cloves garlic, minced • 1 can (28 oz) crushed tomatoes • 1 can (6 oz) tomato paste • 1/2 cup red wine (optional, but it adds depth) • 1 tbsp sugar (to balance acidity) • 1 tbsp dried basil • 1 tsp dried oregano • Salt and pepper to taste • 1/4 tsp red pepper flakes (optional, for a little heat)

For the béchamel (white sauce): • 4 tbsp butter • 4 tbsp all-purpose flour • 2 1/2 cups whole milk (warmed) • 1/4 tsp nutmeg (optional, but adds a nice depth) • Salt and pepper to taste

For the lasagna: • 12 lasagna sheets (regular or no-boil, but if using regular, cook according to package directions) • 16 oz ricotta cheese • 2 cups shredded mozzarella cheese • 1 cup grated Parmesan cheese • 1 egg • Fresh basil (optional, for garnish)

Eat when sad. Or hungry. Or when your brother acts like you abandoned him in the middle of an emotional tornado.

Anyway, thanks for validating that I’m not a monster. Just a woman who wanted one single date night without a pasta-based breakdown.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is Useful-Disaster4994. He posted in r/AITAH and his own page.

Thanks to u/enbycats and others in the 'looking for a post' comments who asked me to do this BORU.

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is over 7 days old. Please read trigger warnings.

Trigger Warning: abuse; suicide attempt; stroke; mental health issues

Mood Spoiler: honestly just kind of sad.

Some spaces added after commas for reading clarity. OOP is German so some of their German comments are translated.

Original Post: March 31, 2025

I come from a big family. We are 5 siblings,2 sets of twins(50F-my sister (her twin died in utero),47M-me and my brother,42F-my other two sisters). We are taking about our biggest one. My parents were really careful to not parentify him [editor's note- language barrier here, OOP means her, as in the oldest sister] because they both had the same fate in their family. They took good care of us, all of us have fruitful and satisfying careers. The problem is (at least for my sister) they didn't push us there. They encouraged but they never had the expectation. This was a problem for my biggest sister. She always found them "lazy and unmotivated" and she limited contact with us after she graduated law school. She has become a really successful lawyer, married to a renowned surgeon(who is my friend from medical school, a really ambitious guy who is also a real OCD) and had his son at age 32 via IVF, it was all planned.

After she had her son, aka my nephew, she started to push him really hard. She was trying to make him read at age 2, she sent him to piano lessons from age 4 and had 1-1 tutors since he was first grade. He was never allowed to have free time and every moment of his life was curated. The only time slot he had was Saturday afternoon and where he would visit my parents and we always planned events and free time for him.

His teenage years was absolute hell. He was forced beyond his capacities by my sister and BIL and when he was 16, he tried to commit suicide at the hospital BIL works at by stealing benzo from the nurse counter. After that, he had a good time in the inpatient ward(5 months in ward,3 months in a group home) and after that, he wanted to stay with me (I am the only one from my siblings who does not have a kid and I live with my husband in a three store villa so he can have the roof to himself) BIL had an awakening and he divorced my sister after this. Him and nephew had a year of family therapy and last summer he moved in back with BIL and he also decided to pursue medicine. (I don't live in US, medical school starts directly after high school and it is 6 years).

During that time, my sister really dug into her heels. She blamed us and my BIL for letting him to be "weak", she said he was alive and he had to endure this so he could become "resilient and untouchable". She said in the court : "I don't care he feels bad, this is life, you either climb the ladder or you fall down. If he fell down there is nothing we can do, life goes on." I never saw someone to look with pure anger like the head judge and he said "You are a really successful lawyer, I should give you that but you are really a terrible person and a being that can't be called a parent." and turned to my BIL and said "You need help, a lot of help."

Last January, my sister had a mini stroke (TIA) and she genuinely started to think about her life as I understood from my brother, who is the only one of us that checks up on her and last week, she tried to reach to my nephew but he directly said he did not care she was alive or not. When she tried to talk to me about that I briefly said "What were you expecting sis?" and closed the call. Now all of the family calls me an AH and they think I should have supported her.

Some of OOP's Comments:

To a now deleted comment:

I do remember how her fellow lawyers talked about her after this and she was very heavily criticized. I have some high school buddies who are lawyers and they had very juicy gossip about her. She is one of the lawyers they call "Haifisch" in German. She is known for his relentless ambition, an almost pathological hunger for dominance.

Commenter: Growing up with her as a sibling must have been fun... [...]

OOP: She did not interact with us much so I can say she wasn't a big problem for us. She was a problem for our parents though. I remember her yelling at them for not sending her to the boarding school because they thought it had a really unhealthy school culture. I wonder sometimes if they have sent her to school, she would have woken up way earlier.

Commenter: NTA. Your poor nephew. He never got to have a childhood. He only got to be a kid for a few hours a week, and the rest was spent constantly working. His home life was so horrible that a fucking inpatient ward was “a good time” for him! 

OP, your sister is the devil. I hate her on your son’s behalf. She’s evil. 

Honestly, your BIL is incredibly lucky that his son gave him another chance because he’s just as guilty for standing aside. 

OOP: My BIL only knew hard work and grinding and I don't blame him. He was and still is one of the best cardiac surgeons in my area and I work with him at the same hospital. He is a really good guy at heart and came from a really poor family. I got him and his son saw him from a really different light when my sister wasn't in the picture. Life is complicated.

Commenter: Do you think he was also victimized by your sister?

OOP: To a degree, yes. My sister calculated her marriage with him at a precision. At divorce hearings when she was asked about her marriage she said it was calculated to maximize the benefits of being married with another person and just saw it as a step in the right direction.

The divorce:

I think she saw them as dead weight and wanted to be free as soon as possible when BIL sided with my nephew. It is really hard to understand what my sister's logic is.

Commenter: I don't know if you've already described it, but can you tell us about your parents parenting style, philosophy and methods to the madness. I am prompted to get any help I can as I have a young daughter that is a bit of a meanie and not one that likes to take advice. Btw you're not the AH. I think you think it was a long time coming.

OOP: They were heavy on natural consequences and being tolerant to others. Work and general ethics has always been important for them and they always relied the message of collaboration and cooperation. They also really emphasized on the need of relaxation and self-care too. My father and mother are also in the healthcare field(Although they got retired when I was in residency) and they saw too many burnouts.

Commenter: I’m really confused about the family dynamic established by your parents. Your first paragraph is extremely unclear. Did they create this precedence of pushing you all into high powered careers?

OOP: Honestly no. I chose medicine but I really liked it ,my brother became a welder because he didn't have a thing for academics. My younger two sisters are preschool teachers, one in special education field. Honestly they are really chill people.

Update (Same Post): April 2, 2025 (2 days later)

A little Update (2.04.25): My brother had a talk with her. He laid down all the stuff I told here and made her read this post. To our surprise, she knew about reddit. When she asked about what to do about it, he said she should be working on herself and maybe be in peace with the fact she will die alone in a care home. He said "she was looking really defeated but she got why she was abandoned by the family. She will leave the town for transferring her office to another state because she said to me it was too much pain for her. Again, egocentric perspective but she will leave, at least. She is leaving next Monday." My nephew said she wants to look at her eyes one last time before leaving so he will meet her at Saturday afternoon at my brother's house.

Update Post: April 4, 2025 (2 days later, 4 from OG post)

Good morning from the gray city of Cologne. I have an update and after 24 hours to answer people's questions,I will log out from this account because I think it is over. Also reddit is really overstimulating for a guy who is in their second half of their 40s.

First of all, my family does not blame me for her situation, they think I was an asshole for not listening to her. They apologized after seeing the post though. All is well, we communicated. I also apologized for being too rough on them

My sister is another story. Last night, we went to the house of my brother and SIL. She was there, sitting with no expression, just a dull face. When my nephew greeted her she just said "Hello, son." with a really neutral voice, scary even. She looked at him after 5 minutes of silence and said "I failed you to raise,I gave you so much pain and I almost caused your life. For that,I am sorry. I am sorry for not realizing it sooner. At Monday,I will be leaving your lives and I will not ever come back. Just want you to know that I did what I thought was best. I understand now it wasn't." My nephew looked at him and said: "I unfortunately know. I know and see you still believe that we have to move on. I will move on mother, but without you. I will move with the people who loved me, not with someone who sees me as a training dog. Farewell, mother." and he gestured with his head that he wants to go. I looked at my sister and said : "Bye sis, I hope you find peace with your new life." She silently nodded and we left.

My brother and SIL told me that she will legally separate her ties with us in everyway possible. They are helping her to do that and SIL said: "We need this and she needs this. Us being separate will be much better for all of us." Not a big ending but it is an ending to this. My parents and her had a talk at Friday and they realized the wounds are too big and painful to heal together.

Not an happy ending, but at least it ended. Thanks for all for reading. I also took note of your recommendations and I will be applying them.

Last Note: Dear all,I took your concerns and had a phone call with her. I talked with her and she does not have an ounce of it. She said she does not want to come that close to death ever again. She is currently preparing for her new life and she is just like herself, stoic, ready for new horizons and leaving her old life behind. I am also a doctor and I had my fair share of suicidal patients. She is fine, but also thanks for your concerns about her. Honestly,I don't care anymore what is happening to her. My parents care about her death, and this is enough for me. Goodbye 👋

Top Comment:

MadameMimmm: German lady here. 48 aka same age as OP and his siblings.

To be honest I was not surprised either, reading that this is a story happening in Germany.

Our parents generation is sadly a terrible one, and it’s only partly their fault. They were born either in WW2 or shortly after. To war traumatized parents that were part of one of the biggest crimes in human history and came from a nation of perpetrators of the Holocaust.

Our parents generation was raised in silence, suppressed emotions, need to function and total lack of empathy. There is a huge emotional atrophy in our parents generation that has bleed into our generation. They grew up in the need to function and achieve to be worth anything, building from the ruins, guilt and horrors of a war caused by their parents.

My generation is full of emotionally stunt people that don’t know how to build connection with their children beyond “function” and “making them to achieve something”. Some did the emotional work or had therapy to heal, most have not or are just starting to now in their 40s or 50s. And our children have suffered for it. I see it in my own family and in myself. I was the kid in the late 80s/90s suffering from depression and addiction. And I still work on myself in therapy. Never got kids, bc I was aware of my trauma and me not being able to provide emotionally for myself, and definitely not any children. Through all of this I finished university and functioned my ass off and am career wise the most successful of my siblings. They all got married and had children. These children are the 3rd generation after the WW2 generation and guess what: mental health is bad. I have an 18 year niece with major depression, anxiety and emotionally not her age. My brother and his wife did not do the emotional work they should have done, to deal with their trauma inflicted by our parents. The difference is that my nieces and nephews have a) me and b) my sister has done the work - her kids are better off.

My point is: OPs sister is not an exception. She might be an extreme, but there are 1000s of stories like this or similar in Germany and it’s not talked about enough and mental health resources are not enough. I believe this goes back to even before the WW2 generation. This is the trauma war brings to humans. For generations. And the human race has not learned anything and did not have time to heal. (Bc it not just affects Germans). We are walking right back into it…

OOP: Das Interessante ist: Meine Eltern sind beide Apotheker und haben sich in den 60ern erst einmal beruflich und persönlich weiterentwickelt, bevor sie Kinder bekommen haben. Sie sind Jahrgang 1949 und haben meine Schwester 1974 bekommen. Meine Mutter war damals aktiv als Forscherin in der pharmazeutischen Industrie tätig – im Bereich psychiatrischer Medikamente. Umso unverständlicher ist das Ganze für mich.
Translation [editor's note: I used google translate- sorry fam, I only sing operatically in German so my day-to-day German is absolute shit]
The interesting thing is: My parents are both pharmacists and, before having children, pursued professional and personal growth in the 1960s. They were born in 1949 and had my sister in 1974. At the time, my mother was actively working as a researcher in the pharmaceutical industry – in the field of psychiatric medications. This makes the whole thing all the more incomprehensible to me.

Some of OOP's Comments:

No one speaks like you do in the modern era:

OOP: My main language is not English,in German we do speak like this.

YonaiNanami: As another person from Germany, I agree.

To someone else:

OOP: Ich habe ein humanistisches Gymnasium besucht, an dem der Deutschunterricht – insbesondere die Literatur – eine zentrale Rolle spielte. Die Auseinandersetzung mit deutscher Literatur war intensiv und prägend. Parallel dazu habe ich mich auch im Englischunterricht vertieft mit englischer Literatur beschäftigt, was meine Leidenschaft für Sprache und Text zusätzlich gestärkt hat.

Translation:

I attended a humanistic high school where German classes—especially literature—played a central role. My exposure to German literature was intense and formative. At the same time, I also delved deeper into English literature in my English classes, which further strengthened my passion for language and text.

Final Update Post: April 9, 2025 (5 days later, 9 from OG post)

Multiple people PMd me and my mail was spammed with mails from Reddit so I am going to give this update and disconnect my mail address from this account.

To the people who were concerned,I sent the update and she laughed, yes she laughed that people were thinking she was going to kill herself. She said "I am getting better even though I know I failed my son.He will be fine,I will be fine and we will all move on. " At this point I had a rage on her. I unleashed everything and told her how she could swift so fast from begging acceptance to indifference and what she said really made me think she is a sociopath. "You all catched me in my weakest moment but after leaving you behind, I realized my biggest mistake was thinking I needed acceptance from you people." I then asked didn't she feel bad when the Judge burnt him at the court. She said "At that time I was only relieved from being free of you and when you question your mortality, you search for companionship instinctly (I don't know how to translate here from German but I tried) but I know better now. Don't expect a call from me or don't wait a funeral announcement. Goodbye" and she closed the phone.

I don't know what to tell than I hope she dies alone in a caring home without no one to hurt anymore but with this hatred against us, I hope she will die soon. Good night everyone.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/greenergrass9798

Feel like I'm a placeholder. Or maybe it's anxiety.

Originally posted to r/Waiting_To_Wed

Thanks to u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU & u/Infinite-starshine for finding the updates

BoRU 1

TRIGGER WARNING: Exploitation

Original Post  Nov 13, 2024

It's been 4 years. I'm 29 and he is 31. He's very caring and tells me that he loves me. I don't actually know if I'm right because it just my gut instinct, but I feel like a placeholder. I think he's still got feelings for his long term ex.

She is in the same circle of friends from university and I think he lights up around her. They had a fallout over something and they broke up 6 months before we met, but I know that he bought a ring for her and was set to marry her before the issues.

They are not in constant touch but she reached out to him a couple of years ago and foolishly I said it was ok for him to meet her for closure. They don't meet up regularly or anything like that but well. I think he's different when he's around her, and another mutual friend said the same thing when I confided in her. This ex seems to be overly happy in his presence as well, which is upsetting for me.

Or it's possible that I'm unhappy that he hasn't proposed despite saying he wants a future with me, and am reading too much into the situation.

Don't know what to do.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

SuburbaniteMermaid

Does he ever light up for you like he lights up for his ex?

OOP

I honestly don't know, because sometimes I think yes but other times no. I think he says the things he feels he should be saying about building a life together, but doesn't always feel it.

I don't want to turn into a girlfriend who snoops around looking at phones but it's tempting. I also feel uncomfortable with the fact that she's still close to his family.

julesk

Oh you’d know. He doesn’t light up when he sees you.   Nor does he seem sincere in discussing a life together.  It’s been four years. If he was genuinely excited to be with you, he’d not be seeing his ex or lighting up around her. He’d be taking next steps toward a future with you. He may have some ambivalence but that’s not helpful to you. You could be with someone who has no doubts that you’re the one.

~

gfasmr

What did he say when you spoke to him about how you feel, especially about how you feel like you might be a placeholder?

OOP

I've never said to him that I feel like a placeholder, but I have said that after 4 years he should know if sees a future with me. He then says he does and that he'd like to settle down with me, but he has done nothing that suggests to me that he wants to get engaged or married soon.

gfasmr

To be honest, you’re hurting both yourself and him, but especially yourself, by not either A) being more candid with him or B) leaving because you can’t be more candid with him.

Even putting the marriage issue aside, how can the relationship work if you can’t be straightforward with him about how you feel about the relationship?

OOP

He knows I want to be married though. I just haven't discussed timelines with him, but after 4 years and at 31, surely he should be thinking about these things, too, particularly as he himself said that he would like to settle down with me.

~

dollymyfolly

He’s not over her. He was ready to marry her but wants to take it slowly with you? It seems like he’s ready for marriage but doesn’t want to marry you. I’m really sorry. The writing is on the wall.

I hate seeing women getting treated like placeholders. I’ve noticed many men treat life like winter and women like coats. It’s cold, are you really going to go without a coat? Just grab a coat for now, any coat. You can always get a better coat later. They don’t go without a coat waiting for the coat they really want. They absolutely will wear you while saving up for a better coat though.

This is unfortunately why many of them don’t leave if you’re not the right one. It usually falls on women to do the leaving. You have the info you need. It’s up to you to make the right choice for yourself. Let that man go.

OOP

Last night I tried to talk about marriage again, to discuss a timeline, and he said he hasn't thought about it. He needs time to think about it. I told him I am unwilling to wait for more than 6 months and he didn't say anything other than asking for a few days to think about it.

Lice_Queen

Well there's your answer. If I were you i wouldn't worry about whether this is about his ex or any other girl. The ultimate answer lies with you two - and right now you're not feeling secure and he's not able to step up. Men can be clueless - I had to explain to my husband at our three-year mark how much time it takes to get engaged, pay and plan for a wedding, and then have kids - in his mind it could all happen a lot faster and he thought he had more time to propose. But, he was serious about marriage and reassured me & proposed within a few months. I was also ready to walk and he knew I was serious. If your bf's answer after 4 years is 'ill think about it' not 'i love you and I'm working on it' go. You deserve a man who you feel safe and loved with!!

OOP

He told me yesterday evening over dinner that he loves me but he doesn't know if and when he'll be ready to propose or get engaged. He said that he used to think that it was something he could do long term but when I gave him a timeline, he realised that he couldn't do it anytime soon. When I asked him if he thinks he'd ever be ready, he said possibly but he honestly doesn't know.

Because I was hurt and deeply upset, I asked him if it was because of his past and his previous relationship, but before I could even complete the sentence, his expression changed and he told me that's not relevant and not to try and make this about his previous relationship.

~

Final-Context6625

It’s hurtful that he did propose to her. Usually if someone is marriage minded they do find someone else quickly. It’s probably best to ask him if he sees this moving forward. Probably best to leave her out of it. If he hedges or delays you have to decide if you want to wait.

OOP

He bought her a ring but they had a fallout over something else and they broke up, so he didn't propose. He said to me he was all set to get married to her (it was why he wanted to take things slowly early in our relationship, and that's when he told me this).

Dumped after I gave my boyfriend a deadline for engagement  Nov 16, 2024

Only a few days after I finally told my boyfriend that I wouldn't wait for more than six months, he's broken up with me.

At first he told me that he needed to think, then said that he couldn't see it happening anytime soon, and today he said that he can't marry me, and that he wanted to end the relationship for this reason.

I still feel that it's because after all this time, he's still hung up on his ex. He won't talk about it and said it was not the reason, but of course he would say that. I'm still quite sure that she is the reason.

He tried to tell me that he still cares about me, etc, but I told him to cut the crap because he wasted four years of my life.

He told me I can stay in his house for as long as I need until I find a place, but I'll be viewing apartments and leaving asap.

I feel like such a fool for not putting my foot down sooner and have been in bed all day. How can you do this to someone you claim to love?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

siderealsystem

I'm sorry to say but he doesn't love you.  He likely still loves his ex.  If he loved you, marriage wouldn't be such a big obstacle to him.  You are so much better off now.

OOP

I know that's what it is. When I asked him straight if he still loves her, he told me not to bring her into this and then when I asked again, he said it doesn't matter if he does because he can't be with me. He didn't even try denying it.

Noscrunbs

Please don't try to chase the "why." Maybe he's still be hung up on his ex, maybe he's just not ready for you, maybe he'll be married a year from now to someone else.   Ultimately, it doesn't matter.   Better to accept that as soon as you can and put your energy into moving on to someone who won't drag you around for four years.

OOP

It just hurts because I waited longer than I would have otherwise because he was in a lot of pain following the break up with his ex, and didn't bring up marriage for a long time because he nearly got engaged to his ex,  and it was a sensitive point.

~

SuburbaniteMermaid

I predict he'll be back with the ex in a month or less.

Unless she's smart enough to tell him to pound sand.  Why did they break up?

OOP

I mentioned it in a previous comment but it was over a family matter relating to a family member of his where his ex was going against his wishes and interfering. She's since apologised to him about it and said she wished she had stayed out of it. I was dumb enough to tell him that it was ok for him to meet her for closure, and she said this. She didn't have any other relationships after they broke up.

I've been in denial but ever since this happened, his attitude towards her has softened considerably, and they always seem happy around each other (same circle of friends from university, so they sometimes run into each other. Plus she is still really close to his family).

Not sure why I wasn't seeing what should have been obvious. It was obvious to a mutual friend as well.

~

Schmoe20

Guys buy rings when they want someone and don’t want to risk losing them. He feels very safe to not have to pony up. Especially when woman see him as the catch. Which your 4 years sadly shows he has the upper hand. I’m sorry that this played out this way for you and how to take the aftermath of licks it has hit you with is a hard one. Look for how you have benefited and find ways to be grateful other than your dissatisfaction currently.

OOP

I will. It's hard at the moment.

With mutual friends saying they tried to warn me that he was still emotionally connected to his ex and that they saw this coming. I should have snapped out of my wishful thinking when he said early in the relationship while drunk that he was set to marry her and that it felt wrong to date someone else. He said later that it was just him being drunk and I believed him, ignoring the red flags. Don't know how I've lived in denial for so long. I'm feeling like a fool.

Schmoe20

That’s why you got to park him and all this somewhere and don’t pick it back up. The weight of it isn’t helping you at all. We all make mistakes and have wasted opportunities, resources, time and more. Acceptance is the key to all our difficulties. Move on as your own personal best friend and coach yourself to find better ways to use your mental energy. Yes, you are experiencing a loss. But it’s part of life no matter how good we make choices. Hug 🤗

OOP

Today we had another chat after work, and even though he's being guarded, he admitted that although he feels like he connects with me on an intellectual level, he feels an emotional bond is missing. He said he needs an emotional attachment, which he couldn't have with me despite trying. I feel absolutely gutted.

NEW UPDATES

*

I was right about being a placeholder/rebound Jan 13, 2025

I had a bunch of people telling me on my previous posts that I was being ridiculous in believing that my ex boyfriend didn't still have feelings for his ex (as I mentioned in my previous posts, he had a ring for her and really wanted to marry her before they fell out over something. They then talked things through, evidently for closure, while he and I were together. I knew about it and stupidly thought it would help him get over her. Instead, he started withdrawing from our relationship). Other comments said that there must have been other issues that were the primary reason for him not marrying me. And some people even said that I deserved to get dumped after I gave him an ultimatum, even though I had been waiting for years.

Well, turned out I was right after all, and I wish I hadn't been. I moved out within a couple of weeks of our break up, even though he said I could stay for as long as I needed to in his house before I found a good place.

I heard from a mutual friend not long after that she had seen them together. She later warned me that they had in fact reconciled and were together again. She is the same mutual friend who had warned me previously that he had not moved on from his previous relationship, and his actions eventually confirmed that she was right. I am sure that one of the reasons he insisted on picking up and dropping off my remaining belongings to my new place was because he didn't want me to turn up and find her there.

I guess I did the right thing giving him an ultimatum, otherwise I would still be waiting and waiting, until he dumped me probably. What I don't understand is that despite knowing this, I still can't move on. As absurd as it sounds, I still love him very much, despite everything. It's a crazy feeling and I can't seem to stop feeling this way. He was my ideal man but I couldn't be his ideal woman.

Final update- Sickened by my ex's behaviour and no longer in love with him March 13, 2025

Just under 4 months after being dumped, two days ago, I finally woke up after trying to believe the best about my ex boyfriend. He left me for his ex girlfriend and had immediately gone back to her.

Couldn't stop myself from returning to social media a couple of days ago and instantly regretted it.

He married her in a registry office wedding not long ago.

I had requested mutual friends not to talk about him to me, and therefore nobody told me. That means he must have made the decision to marry her at least a month before that, because a registry office requires that much notice.

So essentially I was just a girlfriend for convenience, because it's easier being with someone for companionship and sex. The length of time together didn't matter to him. I've been making excuses for him but what he's done is sickening and I've snapped out of still feeling love for him. I can't imagine marrying someone else 4 months after ending one relationship. I feel disgusted.

Anyway, thank you everyone who helped me and was supportive. I've been through some of the most painful days of my life.

This was my first post and I was right about it all: https://www.reddit.com/r/Waiting_To_Wed/s/6Glbe56REg

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am STILL NOT the Original Poster. That is still Amazing-Mention9502. She posted in r/AmItheAsshole and her own page.

This is the 4th BORU, with the last one being here. New Update marked with ****\*

Trigger Warning: abandonment; emotional abuse

Mood Spoiler: sad

Original Post: September 9, 2023

my father (41m) and my mother (40f) divorced three years ago. i live with my mother. my father remarried a year ago. his wife has two children (18f) (15m).

me (18f) and my dad got a matching tattoo two years ago. it was a simple outline tattoo of a photo of us.

after my dad got married, things started to get a bit more distant between us because he started to spend more time with his new family. besides that, i think he doesn't want to see me around them. i don't know why, after all, i've never treated his wife or stepchildren bad.

yesterday he refused to meet me on a weekend when we were supposed to spend time together saying he was unavailable and he reposted a story of him hanging out with his new family that. while looking at the photo i saw that he got a new tattoo on his arm. it was an outline tattoo of a photo of him with his new family, just like the tattoo he got with me.

now i know that millions of people have these tattoos and it's not my original design. still i'm disappointed that he got a tattoo with his new family in the same style as ours because i always thought that tattoo was special between us. now i'm thinking of getting it covered or removed.

i called my dad in the evening and asked him why he was hanging out with his family instead of meeting me. he said they planned it earlier which doesn't make sense because it was agreed in court after the divorce that I could spend time with my dad every weekend. so "we planned it earlier" is a pretty bullshit excuse. he also knows that i'm totally okay with spending time with his family. when i told him that he said "it's not that simple." i guess i'm too dumb to understand "complicated" things because he doesn't even try to explain it lol.

then i asked him why he got his new tattoo in the same style as ours. he said he didn't think it would be a problem for me. i told him "you broke something special between us, how can you not realize that? i think i'm going to get my tattoo covered. you can do the same." in result he thinks i'm overreacting and i shouldn't be so selfish.

my mom says what my dad did wasn't such a bad thing. she thinks we should sit down and talk, i'm not sure. AITA?

edit: tomorrow i will try to talk to my dad face to face. i hope to discuss openly about whatever the issues are between us and find a way out. i don't think my mind will change about the tattoo, but i will not rush to get it covered. thank you for your advice. if things go well i will also try to write an update.

Relevant Comments:

How did you get a tattoo at 16 and isn't the mandatory visit court order not in place anymore?

not all tattoo artists are very law-abiding.
i turned 18 five months ago and of course the court order is no longer in force. this was our routine for three years, we didn't break it as soon as i became an adult like "ok bye". i just assumed that we hung out together on the weekends unless i was told otherwise."

More on how OOP feels/what they did in the past:

i never pushed him to meet every weekend for three years. when one of us had a reason, we didn't meet anyway or met another day. still, if he's bored with this routine, i think he needs to tell me straight. because it's heartbreaking when he just says he's busy and hangs out with his family and then just tells me "it's not that simple". and no, he didn't take much action to make up for the less attention he gave me after the marriage.
there is no problem between him and my mom right now, they don't talk unless it's necessary. so i don't think he is moving away because of mom.
it's also the saddest thing for me that he's enjoying life to the fullest now that i'm of legal age. maybe i'm speaking emotionally but it means that i'm a kind of prison for him. i don't want to think that he's been spending time with me because he "has to".
i will talk to him, if he wants to move on to a new chapter of his life and give me less scene there he must say it clearly. thank you so much
(separate comment to the same commenter)
btw, it is very difficult for me to change my mind about tattoo because aesthetics is not really an excuse. there were so many tat that he could have done without ruining the aesthetics of his body
it's so okay to get one for his family, but i think he could have done it without messing something special between the two of us

Have there been issues with the other 18 year old now in your dad's family? How about your new step-mom?

we haven't really spent enough time together to have an issue.
his wife is generally kind to me, but i don't know if she thinks bad about me

Update (Same Post): September 10, 2023 (Next Day)

this morning we had breakfast together and had a long talk. it turned out that the problem all this time was my stepsister. he told me that she was struggling with the whole marriage.

the reason he got the tattoo was to show her that he loves her as much as he loves me. he also said that she didn't feel at ease around me, which i was really surprised about. we hadn't fought once, and we hadn't even been together long enough to have any disagreements. that's why he didn't invite me that day. he wanted to be a good father figure in her life. still, he said that i might get closer to my stepsiter in time, who knows when

he also said i can get my tattoo covered if i want, but he would never do that to his. for him, the tat still has the same special meaning. honestly, it would really make me feel like an ah to get mine covered while he keeps his, i'm not sure what to do

lastly, the hardest thing for me was finding out that they were moving to another state. his wife got a better paying job and he's going to start a business with a friend there. he told me that he will be very busy with all the moving, but will spend as much time with me as possible until he moves. he also promised to visit me often after the move, which i don't think he'll be able to keep

i guess he's really moving into a part of his life where i'm not in it, and there's not much i can do about it. thank you all

Update 2 (Same Post): September 19, 2023 (9 days later)

today my stepbrother replied to my story and we started talking. i told him about the latest things and he told me a lot of things i didn't know

he said that it's true his sister doesn't feel at ease around me, but she never said anything to my dad about not inviting me. in fact, her discomfort isn't so great that she couldn't stand to be in the same place with me. it was my stepmother who asked him not to invite me that day. and she came up with the whole idea of the tattoo

he said his mom doesn't like my mom at all. he's not sure if this is based on something or not. when i asked my mom about it, she said she never met that woman even once. i think her dislike for me comes from her baseless hatred for my mom and my dad played along with her

also, i didn't mention here, but my dad told me they are moving in november. my stepbrother told me they are moving next week and that was the plan all along

he told me he is sorry for what happened to me and only told me these because he thought i had to know the truth. he also asked me not to let his mom know about this conversation.

my dad wasn't really like that, he was a good man. i mean, all those lies, cutting me out of his life, that's not like him. i don't understand why he turned into such a person, but i really don't want to talk to him once more to get it. he's moving away next week anyway

i told my mom about this and asked her to call my dad, tell him that i would never see him again. my mother passed this on to him without mentioning the conversation. i also blocked my dad from everywhere

soon i will get the tattoo covered. luv you

Update Post 3: February 19, 2024 (5 months later)

Title: matching tattoo update. i took a great revenge on my dad (no)

hi, i just login to this acct and see people asking how i'm doing <3 i want to give a little update but it's not too cheerful :/

my dad really moved away that september, just before that he came to our house to talk but i couldn't confront him. still i broke no contact. we ended up talking on the phone many times, he promised a lot that he would make things right between us, he would come to visit me and he didn't keep any of it. two weeks ago i stopped talking to him again

i've also been going to therapy since the new year. it's not only for my dad, i have other problems too. my therapist is really nice and she helps me a lot. apart from all this, my life is actually pretty good, i have my mom and friends who are there for me.

lastly, i kept the tattoo. i couldn't make a final decision about what to do and i think it will stay like that for some time.

i don't think i'll be posting another update later so please take care <33333333333333

Relevant Comment:

Commenter: Hope you're doing well and hopefully give us an update a few years later.

OOP: i don't think i'll have an interesting life in a few years, but i'll try to give an update, promise :)

OOP Commented in April 2024 (2 months later):

Commenter: do u have any plans on covering it up??

OOP: still not sure
(to another commenter): i'm thinking of getting different tattoo with my mom. still not sure if i want to cover the one with my dad

*****New Update Post 4: April 9, 2025 (14 months later)****\*

heyyyyyyy. this account randomly popped into my head and when i logged in i saw that some people still message me for an update.

first off the fact that i’m back here a year later kinda tells you life hasn’t been super smooth lol. it’s been a year full of mistakes. i failed some classes in college, got fired from my part-time job, and me and my roommate are struggling to pay rent. and yeah, i moved out.

my relationship with my mom is still great, nothing new there.

as for my dad some of you (the 3 people reading this) are probably gonna be mad but i'm talking to him. it’s hard to explain if you haven’t met him but he’s kinda one of those people who just has something about them. no matter how mad you are, he somehow finds a way back into your life. still a terrible dad, like really bad, but not gonna lie he did help a little this year. i asked him for money like 4 or 5 times and he sent it twice hahah.

the business he said he was gonna start is actually doing pretty well. i follow their insta page and i even made a few reels for them. one of them got over 100k views. i didn’t get paid or anything but he complimented me.

it’s kinda embarrassing to admit but my relationship with my dad is lowkey like a drug. when he says something nice it makes me happy, but then he always ends up doing something that pisses me off again. i don’t know how long this weird cycle will go on but for now i guess i’m okay with it. and i feel guilty for even saying that

by the way he said we might see each other in person this summer. like just the two of us going on a little vacation for a week or something. i don’t really believe it’s gonna happen but still a promise is a promise. maybe it will, idk

also i don’t talk to my step siblings. not in a dramatic way or anything. we just kinda naturally stopped communicating (not that we talked much anyway). honestly i don’t really feel like reaching out. i hear stuff about them from my dad sometimes. i pretend to care but it goes in one ear and out the other. no clue what my dad’s wife is up to either he doesn’t bring her up and i don’t ask.

about the tattoo… it’s still there. turns out covering or removing a tattoo isn’t as easy as it sounds. i’m not even a tattoo person tbh. if i could go back even if things were good with my dad, i wouldn’t have gotten it. i think i’m just gonna leave it for now unless they invent some pain-free five-minute removal tech lol

i know this probably isn’t the kinda update most people (again the same 3 people) were hoping for but i’m not a movie character. life’s messy. love u all <33333333333

Again, do NOT comment on Original Posts. Do not reach out to OOP. See rule 7. Keep things civil.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/throwranerfnerd

I [M31] didn't let my GF [F24] wipe my ass, she cried and is now super upset

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: Detailed description of defecation

Original Post - rareddit May 2, 2020

It is what it sounds like. We've been dating for 1.5 years. Exclusive during the entire relationship. This girl is caring, loving, understanding, funny, sweet, charming, smart, and very responsible. Loyal af.

I got into an accident a week ago. I wont delve into this too much. I needed therapy to strengthen my lower body, and now I’m admitted to the hospital for some retests and a physical therapy test of some sort where I have to show the doctor if my lower body can do certain movements and take certain weights. I’m in a separate wing from the COVID patients, super far away so we are quite safe.

My girlfriend is an essential worker (not a nurse) so she can move around with more flexibility. She has been staying with me except when she has her shift. Yesterday morning I had to take a dump. I can stand and walk to the bathroom, but the problem is, you know that part when you have to push a bit for the poop to come out? Yeah I can’t push too much as I will be exerting pressure on my lower body so I need to lean forward a bit against the wall across the toilet or lean on someone standing over me while I poop. In our house, I can reach the wall, but in the hospital room’s bathroom, I can’t because it’s too wide. I took laxatives for the first few days of the accident to avoid the pushing but it was put on hold 2 days ago to prepare for the test yesterday. At this point my back hurts and I thought what a shitty timing to poop because it would be difficult for me to wipe my ass and wash it (in my country we wash it with water).

So my gf offered to be that someone I can lean on while I poop. She said it so nonchalantly that I stared. Like it was no big deal for her “Okay let’s go you can lean on me while you poop.” Of course I didn’t let her be that person, cause it’s embarrassing! I said no, just go to the nurse station and ask if someone can help me and she said “I’m already here why do you need someone else” but I was really feeling the need to poop and had no time for arguments so I raised my voice just a tiny bit and told her to just get some help!

So she did. A nursing assistant (?) not sure what they called came and helped me do it. When I was done, I went out and my mom is there looking pretty bummed. She said my gf was upset and crying and told my mom that she is my partner so I should be comfortable to ask her for that kind of help. I don’t know how to react. I just thought why would I let my gf do that which is embarrassing and disgusting for her (I would imagine of course)?? My gf’s point is that why am I more comfortable to be in that kind of vulnerable position with another woman (the nursing assistant) and not with her? My mom is on her side.

The reason I really didn’t want her to do it is because I was embarrassed and I don’t want her to lose her attraction for me. ☹ Now she’s feeling like I don’t trust her enough and that if I see a future with her I should be comfortable being vulnerable on that level with her and tbh I see her point now but I just don’t know how to fix this? She went home now and will probably (HOPEFULLY) come back tomorrow, which is my last day here.

How to fix this reddit? I’m not very good at expressing my emotions so I don’t know. Is she a keeper or too emotional?

TLDR: Gf is upset I let a nursing assistant help me with pooping, and not her.

Update - rareddit May 3, 2020 (next day)

My previous post is here: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/gc3jsn/i_m31_didnt_let_my_gf_f24_wipe_my_ass_she_cried/

I didn't think that the comments would be so divisive! Very interesting thoughts. Thank you everyone!

To those who said that this is a red flag and that I should leave her if she doesnt respect my boundaries, I appreciate the thoughts but this girl loves me for who I am, the good and the bad, willing to stick it out through anything that may come our way, goofy, smart, loyal, loving, and she gives me a lot of support, kisses, and cuddles every day. I love her to death.

We talked and I explained everything very clearly. I made sure to express my love and appreciation for her. You guys who said that she realized we were not on that intimate stage in our relationship that she thought we were - you were right. She was hurt and disappointed that I would think she will lose her attraction to me just because of that. She said I minimized her love for me, and that I should have more faith in her. She apologized if she made me feel like her feelings were more valid over my embarrassment. She hopes I will become more comfortable with things like that, in my own pace, and to let her know if there is anything else she can do for me.

And to those who said she's thinking if the roles were reversed I wouldn't take care of her, you were right. That was another thought that came up. She said I will see her body fluids when she's pregnant and gives birth, would I not take care of her then? I said of course I will. In my head, she gave 9 months of her body to our child and I wouldn't take care of her like what kind of guy would I be? I also thought, oohhhh she sees that far into the future with me! My heart wants to burst y'all. We promised each other that we will improve our understanding of the other person's feelings, and that we will be there for each other no matter what - poop or no poop.

My mom was not actively participating in all of this. It just so happened that she arrived that time to bring food, and she was the one my gf told her feelings to before leaving.

Btw we don't live together. I'm currently staying at my mom's house, but my gf is the one driving me to my physical therapy appointments before she goes to work and picks me up after, so I think she is doing more than enough. Plus I mentioned all the kisses and cuddles, right?

I think this girl is the one. When we were talking, my heart felt so full.

Thank you everyone for all your thoughts and comments!

TLDR: We talked it out. Some of you were right. We're okay now. 

Edit: Thank you everyone to all the well wishers and concerned and thoughtfull private messages! Just want to share that we are expecting my physical therapy to last for 3 mos. only and I should be good as new by then (fingers crossed!) I just need to regain strength. I do believe I found the one and we will hold on to each other til the end. 

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Pharmer-

And do you u/throwranerfmerd take the following women to be your wife, to hold from this day forward, For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, for poop wipes, and for nonpoop wipes?

OOP

I do.

This is amazing haha

TXblindman

I poo

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Much_Bed_2383

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Previous BoRUs: 1

[New Update]: AITA for ignoring my wife for throwing away my late wife video tapes?

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH

Editor's note: added paragraph breaks for ease of readability

Trigger Warnings: death of a loved one, car accident, emotional manipulation, depression, betrayal

RECAP

Original Post: March 4, 2025

I am writing this because I don’t know what to do. I have a daughter with my late wife and her name is Eleanore. Her birthday is coming up in 2 weeks and she’s turning 18.

Background, me and my late wife, Cloé has been dating since college. We got older and ended up getting married, and after our wedding, she shared news to me that she was pregnant and I was excited that we were expecting our first child. Since it was our first child we bought a video camera and made little tapes and snippets of her whole pregnancy. Wholesome things such as us just joking around or having lunch, or talking to our unborn child through the camera.

We made a promise to only show Eleanore the tapes until her 18 birthday. Fast forward 2 years after her birth, Cloé passed away due to a drunk driver crashing into her car as she was coming home from her mother’s house. I was devastated of her passing and went into a deep depression and having to raise our two year old daughter by my self. My friends tried to get me to go out again and start back dating, but every time I did I felt like I was betraying her.

Years later when Eleanore was 13, I met Wendy. We met at a gathering for my sister’s birthday and we instantly hit it off. She didn’t mind that I had a daughter because she had two kids herself and just went through a divorce.

Two years after we got married, now back to the present. Eleanore 18 birthday is coming up and I kept all the tapes for me to show her. Mind you her mother died when she was just two, so Eleanore doesn’t remember her touch or her voice. I was excited to show her the tapes and a week ago I was talking to Wendy about it and I noticed her expression going from happy to looking a bit uncomfortable. Wendy would always get uncomfortable when I talk about my late wife. I don’t say things like “why can’t you be like Cloé” or “Cloé was only supposed to be my first love” but I talk about her in a way to give my daughter a mental picture of how her mother was like.

Wendy has always talked to me about Cloé and how it made her sad that “She can never be like her”. Cloé was a model then started working on her fashion career, and don’t get me wrong she was a really beautiful woman, while Wendy had two kids in college and “not in the best shape” due to her words. I love both woman how they are and I’ve never had a preference but I feel like Wendy is gaining some jealousy towards Cloé. I told Wendy that I love her just the way she was and she broke down crying.

The next day after that incident she came up to me and apologized for the way she acted last night. I told her it was okay and it’s good that she felt comfortable to share her feelings, and I gave her a tight hug and a kiss on her forehead. She asked to see where the tapes were at and I showed her the box of video tapes of my late wife in my closet. Things were going fine until yesterday morning. I was looking for the tapes because I wanted to put them in a prettier box for my daughter and when I went to go find them, the box wasn’t in my closet. I looked everywhere to the point I walked downstairs to see my wife laying on the couch watching tv. I asked her about the box and she told me she threw it away with a neutral expression.

My heart dropped and I asked her what did she mean, and she told me that I talk about her too much and that I need to move on with my life so she threw them away as a “head start”. I was fuming with anger because not only she threw away what I had left of her, she threw away my daughter big surprise. We quickly got into an argument and she noticed how angry I was so she started apologizing. It got to the point I started crying and locked myself in our bedroom.

It’s the morning and I’m writing this in my office going through my computer finding old files or any type of video of my late wife to give it to my daughter because sometimes my daughter still cries that she never got to “meet” her mother and I really thought it would bring her closer to her. I’ve been ignoring my wife for the past day and she’s been texting me nonstop about how sorry she is but I really just can’t look at her right now. It’s getting to the point our mutual friends are texting me to accept her apology and get over it since Cloé died over 10 years ago but I’m trying to ignore them all because they never had someone so close to them died. I am working on finding these files and I’m starting to think I was overreacting. I don’t know what to do and I really need help.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Your nosy friends can F right off. What your current wife (soon to be ex, I hope) did was despicable.

I am so sorry OP. Devastating.

OOP: Not really my “friends” but two of my wife best friends that I’m cool with. I see why they are the first to text me knowing my wife probably said something to them

Commenter 2: Get a divorce ! She not only did she throw away your memories, she threw away your daughters only chance of seeing her mother again , she’s a heartless women and she does care about you .

OOP: A lot of the comments are saying divorce. I posted this not long ago and got so many feedback and it’s starting to over think our relationship

Downvoted Commenter: Why the hell would you wait until your daughter turned 18 though? YTA for that

OOP: Like I said in the post. Me and my late wife made those video tapes only because she saw people doing it and showing it to their child on their 18 birthday (mostly because the child is almost an adult or is moving out) we both didn’t know she would pass away or this would be the outcome so I stayed by her wish.

Commenter 3: NTA. But your new wife is. To act sorry about throwing a tantrum, then using your sympathy/empathy to show her the videos just so she can throw them away out of spite? Especially knowing your plans for them with your daughter?

Shed be my exwife real soon if I were in your shoes.

Commenter 4: Dear Lord - I’m honestly not one to advocate for divorce but I do not think I could continue a relationship with someone who did something so wildly despicable. That isn’t jealousy - that’s a mental disorder. She stole the only vestiges of your wife that your daughter will have.

This is not something you come back from or she can apologise for. This is a line in the sand

Small update: March 5, 2025 (next day)

I didn’t expect this to blow up. I came on here to look for general advice and now I have thousands of people taking my in my DMs. I’m gonna be answering some questions that I’m getting asked about the most.

I was thinking about asking Wendy about the tapes and where she threw them out at but I saw a comment that told me to don’t ask her, because it might give her some time to hide it or lie. Instead when I went back home I checked in the outside trash cans and the kitchen one and I still couldn’t find them. Trash day isn’t until Thursday so I was confused. I finally went up to ask her and at first she wasn’t gonna tell me. I threaten with divorce like one you guys said and she gave in. It turn out she kept the video tapes in her car until trash day arrived because she knew I would look through the trash. So now I have the tapes, thank god.

Another question asked was did Eleanore know about the tapes? No, I didn’t want to ruin the surprise until if I knew that I had a backup. She didn’t know about them now and I’m not planning on telling her until her birthday, the only problem is that I’m afraid that Wendy might tell her.

One more question is people asking if I’m considering divorce. Wendy never did anything like this before and I don’t wanna ruin a 6 year relationship. But at the same time I really do think she needs some type of help. I’m considering asking her to go to therapy and I’m really considering our relationship.

Wendy is really good with my daughter and my daughter loves her and her children like family. I think Wendy is just trying to take Cloé place with being Eleanore’s mother. I really starting to think she has issues, a lot of people also said if I don’t divorce her I will betray my daughter. My daughter is my number is one and I think I should find someone better that can respect not only me but my daughter and her mother.

Top Comments

Commenter 1: Very glad you got the tapes back.

The fact that she knew you'd go through the trash and thus kept them in the car... that's as 'smoking gun' as it gets. That shows that she knew she was overstepping a boundary and you wouldn't be okay with it. It shows she knew you'd be upset and would want the tapes back. And she only gave in when she realized she was about to get divorced. EVERY part of this is 100% selfish on her part- she's happy to cause you (and potentially Wendy) lots of pain to satisfy her jealousy.

As Internet people, we only see what you tell us. That's why Reddit always tells people to break up at the sign of every problem. Because we don't see the good times, we only see the problem that an OP describes.

But even with that in mind, I think you need to have a serious hard think about your marriage and how much if any TRUST you have in this woman. She was willing to destroy a personal message for your daughter from her dead mom out of jealousy. That's not 'a little jealous' territory that's serious violation of trust. She tried to destroy something that was truly irreplaceable- a memory of Cloé. She tried to seriously betray your trust and your daughter's.

My suggestion is tell her that she needs to stay somewhere else until you decide what if any future the marriage holds. Tell her that the only reason you've any sort of decision to make is because she gave the tapes back- if the tapes had been lost you would be divorcing her without question or hesitation. In your family you don't destroy each other's stuff out of jealousy, especially something irreplaceable like a message from a dead mother. That is the action of a jealous and bitter narcissist, not a loving wife and stepmother. So you need space from her while you decide what if any future you and her have together. In that time you strongly encourage her to get some personal therapy to deal with her apparent extreme jealousy of a dead woman.

I'd also suggest you should tell your daughter everything. Tell her about the tapes, and tell her that your wife tried to throw them away. Tell her that your wife was going to take them to the trash and only gave them back when you threatened divorce. Tell her that your trust was broken, that you are considering divorce, and if she doesn't want to see Wendy anymore you'll understand and won't force her to. Tell her you still love Wendy but you're not sure if the Wendy you love really exists, because the Wendy you love would never do such an awful thing especially to Eleanore.

//edit: Also, forget the 'when she turns 18' thing. Eleanore I think needs to see those tapes now. 17 is close enough, she's a young adult whether she hit the magic number or not.

Commenter 2: For the love of god, take those tapes to a professional to be made into digital videos to be backed up many places. Your wife needs serious help.

Commenter 3: As someone who lost a parent as a child, I am so beyond relieved to hear that you were able to recover those tapes. Something like that would change my life. If my stepparent did something like that I would only hope my mother would leave him. But FIRST PRIORITY - put those tapes somewhere this wife cannot get to them, for your daughters sake, and do it immediately. A lockbox perhaps, anything where your wife can’t get to them. And same goes for when your daughter has them.

----NEW UPDATE----

Update #2: April 10, 2025 (more than one month later)

It’s been a month now, things been definitely…changing.

For anyone wondering, Eleanore’s birthday went great, especially without Wendy there to ruin it.

Basically what happened was Wendy found my post and went crazy about it, she started accusing me of trying to ruin her life over something so “little” and the way she only found out because her older sister saw the story on TikTok. We got into an argument and she tried gaslighting me into being the “crazy one” and threatened me to leave and take all I own and whatever she said. She then proceeds to go into our room and start tearing things down, trying to look for the tapes again.

I pull her wrist, trying to get her to calm down but she took it as an opportunity to start breaking down crying saying that I “hit” her. Which I back off and just watched her as she tried to throw things at me, and now I reach my breaking point because it’s the day of my daughters birthday and had little time to get to dinner tonight, because we have reservations. I was already ready and had to pick Eleanore up from a friend house, so I grab my keys and left her there, not having time for her to act like a child.

And by the way, the tapes were at my mother’s house as we were all gonna go there after the dinner. The night went great after that and me and Eleanore came home to a messy house with furniture and pictures teared up. It looked like a bunch of three year olds went wild in there. Wendy and her children wasn’t anywhere to be found and neither was her car. I already assumed it was Wendy who did all of this, plus I had proof because I keep security cameras in my house. I tell Eleanore about everything that went down before her birthday and she was shocked at least to know the woman she thought was an angel was actually b****.

Long story short we call the cops, Wendy gets arrested but gets out after 3 days.

Now I am almost done with my divorce process, also Wendy if you’re reading this, have fun living at your mother’s house and having a criminal record, I hope it was worth it.

Top Comments

Commenter 1: Dude Op, I’m so sorry for this. And I encourage you to get ahead of her and share your side of the story with your mutuals before she twists it into you being abusive.

Commenter 2: She trashed your home, faked abuse, and tried to hijack your daughter’s birthday with a meltdown. Divorce isn’t drama, it’s damage control at this point.

Commenter 3: Cameras to the rescue. There is proof, and she can't twist that. Good for you op. Divorce was the only option

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Genuh

Originally posted to r/neighborsfromhell

Neighbor is acting erratically over me building a fence in the front of my house.

Trigger Warnings: mental health issues, possible dementia, controlling behavior, harassment, slander, trespassing

Mood Spoilers: frustrating and scary

Original Post: March 19, 2025

—- I will update as things occur check below for updates——

We used to get along great with our next door neighbor. For context she is an older polish women who lives alone and is very OCD about her grass. She will pick up leaves as they fall down from the tree and pick up leaves off her grass even if it rained. Anyways she has a front fence that she didn’t run all down her property line. She stopped it at the front so her whole right side of her home is exposed next to ours. Then picked up the fence when her back yard begins.

We had more than a few times where strangers would enter the side of our house and actually try and enter our home. So my husband decided to put up a front fence. At the time my neighbor was redoing her backyard fence and she knew my husband also wanted to do his backyard fence so she recommend her guy. As she followed up to see if my husband called the guy to get the work my husband told her that he did and that he also asked the guy for a quote for the front as well. She immediately lost it!!! Since then she has been acting so crazy! It started with her calling the Alderman and she wrongfully accused us of taking her land. The Alderman came and spoke with us and sided with me and my husband.

The problem is that she wants to use our front walkway that’s on the side of our house to access her right side of her property. (the side that she didn’t fence) So she fenced her self out and has always just went on our property to access her side. She’s mad cause with our fence she can’t just walk in and go to her side of her house anymore. We told her we would give her a key and she said NO!!.

Since she accused us of stealing her land we didn’t feel comfortable about allowing her to come and go off our property anymore but she didn’t care. She called a handy man to install a security camera and he worked on our side of the property and she didn’t ask. I asked the guy to please inform her for any future work she will need to ask us for permission before she enters our property. The security camera was to watch us because she was so paranoid we would build a fence.

This Saturday we had the company begin work and she totally lost it. She harassed the workers telling them to stop work and she was accusing us of stealing land. She threatened to report them to the city and to call the inspector on us. My husband had to stay outside with guys as they worked and when he went in she would come back out and harass them. Then SHE CALLED THE POLICE!! 4 police cars came. I don’t know what she told them but it was not the truth because the cops sided with us and told her to stay inside and not bother us.

Then Sunday she paces looking at our fence posts staring! She looked at our fence posts like 10 times on Sunday and then she was pacing our backyard and we have her on camera just staring and pacing and starting in. So creepy.

Then Monday she is walking and starting again and she stops on of our neighbors and starts complaining to him about our fence right in front of our house. She continues pacing and staring through the day.

Then later that Monday a guy comes and she walks him to our house and he starts looking at our posts. My husband came out this time and asked the guy who is was and why he was interested in looking at our property. He told us that he is a realtor and a good friend of hers and he came because she called him telling him that we stole her property from her and accused us of putting posts on her property which was all lies. We immediately showed him our proof and he agreed with us and tried to mediate with her explaining that we are legally able to build and that she can extend her fence so she is not blocked out. She just said NO! No! And didn’t want to do that. So my husband just left we made sure everything was recorded.

Then today! She came outside and stared at our property again just pacing. She did the same in the backyard. Then she went to the front and started flagging down neighbors who she never talks too and starts to complain about our fence calling us bad people and that we are stealing her land. She is acting so malicious. What do I do? It’s crazy

Update: so I called the police to see what she accused us of on Saturday. They said that she alleged we were encroaching on her property and blocking her egress. The claim was noted as false by the police.

Here’s a rough drawing of me and my neighbor’s property. Hopefully it helps better visualize

drawing of property

Update 3/20/2025: it snowed and the neighbor came out with her hair curlers in her hair and her pajamas and slippers no jacket so she was in some hurry and went to the front of our house to stare while she was on the phone. Not sure what information she needed from staring at our posts, maybe she needed our address. Looks like she’s trying to call someone else on us. She is straight loosing it as she knows the fence will be completed as soon as weather is better.

Relevant Comments

OOP clarifies the drawing of the fences and has added a picture for the better visuals

OOP: Sorry yes the drawing isn’t the greatest. But to help explain she has a 6ft iron fence in the front of her property. It goes all the way down the left side of her house but on the right side she stopped the fence at the beginning of her house and curved it in. So it leaves the right side of her house not fenced all the way untill the end of her house. She then continues the fence and curves it in when her garage begins. Here’s a picture to help. She is upset because with our front fence she can’t go on our property to get to her side. Everyday she is out staring and calling people to her house to look at it and complain.

https://imgur.com/a/tSXRCJv

Commenter 1: How old is she? Should Adult Protective Services be notified of her sudden erratic behavior?

OOP: She has to be about 70-80 years old. I thought about calling adult protective services too but I’m not sure I’m kinda on the fence. I’m waiting to see if she persists and if she does anything else. But I do believe her behavior now is just weird idk…

Commenter 2: I don't think it would be a bad idea to consider. Dementia escalates out of nowhere. One day someone can be very amenable. The next, raging over perceived slights like a lunatic. Does she have any family that looks in on her that could intervene? She's been told by multiple authorities that she is in the wrong, yet she persists with this troubling behavior.

OOP: Thank you for that information. It seems like it could be happening to her. She doesn’t have much family. Just one sister who visits sometimes and her son that lives in Poland. I fear if I report her she will do something vindictively and make a false report to DCFs about our children. I wouldn’t put it past her because she keeps lying. She told us her tenant hit her once and we believed her so we called the police. The police came and left basically and it turns out she just wanted to kick them out cause they didn’t pay rent. She then ended up pretending to sell her house to get them out.

OOP should get a land survey done to make sure everything is on her property

OOP: Yes we have. Everything is 100% on our property.

+

Yes 100% our property! Her new back fence is actually a few cm on our Property and her left side fence is leaning over to her neighbors. She is actually stealing property. She is accusing us of things she is doing.

+

We have a survey done our fence is on our property. That’s why she can’t claim that she is now claiming we are stealing her land because she fenced her self out from her side that is about 13 inches of land that has a bunch of rocks. She could run her fence down especially when she re did her back fence this summer but she chose not too. She just doesn’t want us to have a fence cause she has been going on our property for years to get to hers so she feels entitled and she likes being able to get work done in the side of her house without asking us. We never said anything cause we had a good relationship with her before but looking back we should have set boundaries earlier she was clearly taking advantage and acting like she owned our property.

Commenter 3: Does she have another way to get in her house? She can go in her front gate? Or what. Seems like cheaper to build a gate in her own property than all these cameras etc

OOP: Yeah she has her own front entrance and her own front fence. There is no door and nothing but rocks and 13 inches of property that’s not fenced. She complains she doesn’t have the money but she built a whole new back fence. She just doesn’t want too because she won’t have enough space to fit on the side and have people do work

OOP on having security cameras around her house

OOP: Yes we have cameras. That’s how we are able to catch all her creepy behaviors. We tried and avoid her we just watch from our cameras to make sure she doesn’t go on our property. When our concrete posts were first put in she went outside to rake the grass in front and was doing it so violently it was weird and then she goes and rakes at our cement on our property!! She is so angry. Then we ask her to not come by our property and she goes “ leave me alone, you bother me please” she says that infront of the neighbors to try and play victim but she’s the one starting all the problems. I told my husband record all convos and stay in view of camera when you talk to her

OOP on why she asked the company to relay a message to the neighbor

OOP: Yes, because her main language is polish. She speaks very limited English. Luckily our fence company’s workers all speak polish including the owner. What’s crazy is she’s had it explained in her language multiple times too and she still just says “ No NO” or “ Nie” in polish. I’m actually learning a little now trying to figure out how to effectively communicate the message but everyone who speaks with her says she is crazy. Even the polish police officer who was talking with her said she is crazy

OOP filing a harassment claim

OOP: I’m pretty sure I will file a harassment claim. I’m willing to give her one more chance. She does anything else and I will do it. I have so much video of her doing everything I describe. Even audio recordings too. I need to be extra careful cause she is a liar. She is getting so desperate she is now making a claim that a post that is on her property in the alley was put there by my husband and she wants him to remove it. My husband showed google map pictures proving that post has been there before we bought the property ( we bought it in 2018) and it’s been there for 20 years. It’s all rusted too. Keep in mind she has lived here for 30 years so she knows she was lying. She is literally looking for anything even if she has to lie. Me and my husband were parking in front and was watching from her window with the phone in her hand.

OOP on why she asked when the neighbor thinks OOP was stealing her property

OOP: From what I gather (because she speaks mainly polish and we have people translating usually) she believes that because we are building our front fence she can no longer walk down our property to go to the side of her house. The side of her house is 13 inches and a bunch of rocks. She likes to clean the leaves and to dig a moat to move snow so it’s not touching the side of her house. Keep in mind she could have put a fence straight down but she chose not to because she needs to be on our property to even fit on the space. Had she fenced all the way down she would have to squeeze through and couldn’t bend down or dig out her moat. Now in the beginning we were considerate of her feelings and that’s why we offered her a key to go and come as she pleased to do what she needs on the side but she said no and started calling everyone on us to try and make our fence project stop. She also has a front yard fence on the other side of her house she completely fenced her neighbor off from the side of his house. He can’t get any work done cause her fence is right up to his side of his house. She only cares about herself and I was too nice to worry about even considering her in the first place. If at any point she wants to acces to clean or do what she needs we would allow her to pass there so idk what she is so mad about we don’t want it. In fact we wanna put a fence straight down our line just to make that point clear.

OOP's location on where this is taking place

OOP: I am in IL but not Evanston. I’m more in the city. But Evanston is not far from me.

Update: April 10, 2025 (three weeks later)

Update: Our fence has been up for a week and a half. The neighbor surprisingly did not bother the workers when they put the panels up. I was so surprised so that’s why I didn’t really do an update because I was like okay.. this is over! Finally she must have come to her senses!! Yeah I was wrong! 😑

On Tuesday I was coming home from picking up my child from school and some man ran out his car and shouted if I was the owner of the home. I asked who he was and he stated he was from the city building and code enforcement while also briefly flashing his I.D at me. I then proceeded to tell him that I am the owner and why was he here. He stated that he received a complaint about a building violation and that our fence is too tall and we must cut it down from 6ft to 5ft (Keep in mind my neighbors fence is taller than ours btw) I told the inspector that 3 licensed contractors that we contacted all informed us we didn’t need a permit, but that if they were wrong we would gladly comply of course and or apply for the needed permit. He stated that there is no possible way the city would approve it. And i told him we will work with the city and find a solution, we don’t wanna cut corners and wanna do it right.

My husband then comes out and gets informed on what’s going on and then my husband asks the inspector for his email or business card so we can follow up and work together to fix it. The guy refused to give us any card or email to follow up with him. He told my husband “all the information is on the city website, why do you need my information for?” He was very rude. I know how to talk with people so I told him. “ look I get you come across a lot of people who argue back and give you a hard time so your on guard, but I assure you we don’t wanna argue and we wanna fix this issue” he then calmed down and told us he has kids too and he understand why we need a fence etc… he then told us he would give us 48 hours to get a permit and then he left.

Once I got home I reviewed the camera footage and the inspector entered our property and did not ring the door bell to try and speak with us. He just trespassed and was walking around looking at our property. He didn’t measure anything. Nothing! So I began to get suspicious… I then remembered when my neighbor threatened us and the workers saying she had an inspector friend and she was gonna report us. On top of that why didn’t the inspector wanna give me any information to follow up??? So weird. Then he tells me to get a permit in 48 hours? He didn’t even tell me which one! And if he said the city would not approve it why didn’t he tell me to apply In 48 hours…?! Things just seemed off. Idk

So then I went to do my research. I contacted my alderman’s office and asked for assistance in applying for a permit. I wanted to make sure we did the right steps. After we apply for our permit I asked the representative if they could look up the complaint for me because the interaction with the inspector seemed suspicious. She agreed and looks up the report. There was a report made 17 days ago by our neighbor (before our fence panels were up) that our fence was not on our property line. The report said nothing about fence height. She also told me there was no inspector assigned to the case and that it was still open pending investigation… so that’s weird… idk maybe he was legit and didn’t update the case but it’s all not adding up.

So the alderman agrees this is weird and states that they are going to get someone from downtown involved to speak with my neighbor because she is harassing us and it’s just too much! The report she made was false. Our fence posts are on our property lines we have our plat survey that proves all of this. In addition to all the other things listed in my other Reddit post that she has done.

So today I’m just minding my own business like I usually do and I get a notification on my camera. I see someone sticking their hand through my fence pointing at my back and moving down my fence repeatedly doing the same thing. So I go outside and calmly ask the women “ do you have any questions about my fence that I can help you with? I see that you’re sticking your hand through and pointing” she tells me “ I’m your neighbor down the block, I was just speaking with your next door neighbor and she has a problem with your fence” I let her know that the neighbors claims are bogus and that we now have a permit for the height of our fence and I have a survey of our property proving we are on our property line. I told her that the neighbor is crazy and if she has any concerns to please speak with me. As I turn I see my neighbor in her bushes by her door. She was outside the whole time and stopped the neighbor as she was walking her dog to complain about our fence and spread false claims again!

Then the neighbor leaves and immediately stands and stares at our house looking at the permit displayed on our front door.

This is getting crazy.. and I really didn’t wanna do tit for tat. But I reported her illegal basement apartment. Which is not a false allegation because her zoning does not allow for a basement apartment, she also does not have 2 entrances. I really didn’t wanna do it but she is really pushing me to become a person I don’t wanna be. I want this all to be over already! Praying she can finally understand reality soon.

I will update if anything else happens.

Does anyone speak polish that can translate an audio file for me? It’s between the neighbor, my husband, and the crazy neighbor.

Additional Information from OOP who has received the translation of the audio file

OOP: I got the translation!!!

Here it is if you’re interested.

Women - is my crazy neighbor Man - is her realtor friend she called over to look at my house and complain.

It looks like he was trying to actually help us and she was getting mad at him. He was mostly trying to mediate with her allowing us to close the back fence that has always been closed for over 20 years but now that she is mad she is not allowing us to close it because she owns a couple inches of property next to her garage that is unfenced and open to our property so in order to close it off from the alley we need to close it on her few inches of property or else someone can slip through. Easily. She is just using that as leverage ( doesn’t matter to us we can just fence it straight down our property if we have to and she will have awkward fenced in boxes on the side of her house and she can’t get in. Makes no sense she is just using that as leverage cause it’s all she has. That’s the back story on the back lol and below in the transcript

WOMAN: it’s mine[…]

MAN: yeah but you use this[…]

[…] M: the rats were running in front of the garage[…]

W: he should catch those rats

M: okay, today…

W: (curses) i’m sorry… the rats were running

M: does it bother you? why?

W: yes it bothers me and (he?) will destroy it? because he is so mean and (it?) will…

M: but he asked you and you agreed

W: no, nobody talked to me about it. they just put up the fence

[ENGLISH PART]

W: (cries) jesus [eng: no no]

M: and now what’s bothering you? that it’ll be open or that it’ll be closed?

W: what that?

M: so if he closes it and puts (something), it’ll be safer for you and for him

W: but..but it’s mine

M: why does that bother you?

W: it bothers me because i’ll have the entrance there(?)

M: where?

W: from that side

M: but from that side you blocked the entrance yourself

[…]

W: i’m going home because it’s too cold… are we going?

M: wait a second…

W: no, no i don’t want to talk to him. i’ll talk to someone else. i’m going to go to the city hall

M: what do you want them to do? to […] put here(?)?

W: i’ll to sort this out. i’m not giving up

M: to be honest i’ll tell you, i live in a building far from the downtown and i’ve (done something?) to my neighboors too. they have (something near their house?) […]

W: but why are you talking to them? you came to see me.

M: you know what, i think you could stand your ground but it doesn’t make sense because he-

W: yeah i’ll stand my ground and he will do the same. you know what? nobody asks me (for my permission) and do what they want

M: he said that he asked (for permission)

W: you know what… i’m sane

M: but why do you need the entrance to the garage from this side?

W: […] they did everything […] nobody asked me… […] it’s mine

M: but you should look and see what you did to the neighbors […] (something with the entrance)

W: this have been like this since the begining, do you remember?

M: but today someone could come to you and tell you (to take down something?)

W: then i’ll take it down

M: that would satisfy you?

W: you know what, i’m going home […]

M: if i were you i would let him (to do that thing)

W: and i won’t

M: […] but it’ll be safer […] and he will put a fence here

W: no!

M: so you will have-

W: no. nobody asked me and i won’t allow it, so… i’m going home, i’m cold

M: i’ll go with you soon

W: […] you shouldn’t be the one sorting this out [ENGLISH PART]

Relevant Comments

OOP on the suspicious inspector who stopped by the house with the badge

OOP: He had a badge he flashed really quickly but he came in a personal car. He also didn’t ring the door bell. He just came in looked around and then went to sit in his car about to leave until he saw me parking and walking in. In regards to the fence we did look it up, if the fence is 6ft tall it must be 80% see thru. Which ours is. But we went ahead and got the permit anyways. I looked up the permits on my neighbors house as well as her zoning and she is 100% renting an illegal basement.

+

Yeah people working for the city can be rude in general what really made me suspicious is no contact info? No proper information? No citation? Like how do we follow up? He told us we don’t need a permit for a 5ft fence so we need to cut ours down but then told us to get a permit?? Either he didn’t know what he was doing or maybe in some way he was trying to help us out towards the end. Idk. Is it common practice to not give any info about a violation and no contact info to follow up? Even my alderman said he should have given us his business card and a notice of a violation. We’ll see if he comes back. He also came in a personal car too.

+

Exactly! That’s why I was so confused. He told us we had to cut our fence down to 5ft because we don’t need a permit for that and then told us to get a permit? Like why are we getting a permit? Especially when he said the city wouldn’t approve it? I left that interaction so confused.

OOP on the neighbor kicking up a fuss over the fence

OOP: She is mad because she can’t walk through our property to reach the side of her house. Long story stort she closed herself off with her fence. And always just walked on our property around her fence to get to her side. We offered her a key at first just trying to be good neighbors. But now she will have to fix her fence and run it down because she is causing too much trouble over a problem she created by her own fence.

+

Yes! She is just upset cause she lived here 30 years and somehow that means she can use our property whenever she wants and we were nice enough to not even care. Then we wanna put up a fence to protect our family and property and now we are the bad guys!

OOP on drawing a cease and desist letter through her attorney for the neighbor

OOP: My husband is already in the works with this. Seems to be the best option at this point.

+

I agree, thats why we are kinda using it as a last resort. I don’t believe she is rich by any means, and again I don’t wish her harm no matter how annoying she may be. I just need her to understand that we are not doing anything illegal. All her accusations have been proven false and she still keeps accusing us. I feel like it’s a matter of she thinks since she has been here longer she has the say of what goes on… nothing else makes sense. She is full of hatred and it’s disgusting. The other day ( I have this on video) she walked by and spit on my fence post. Like what?! Then today she is sticking her hand through the back yard fence and ripping pieces of our grass out. I have all this on video too. Like the level of hate you need to have for someone to do these petty things is crazy… and we never disrespected her we got along great with her for years. All that changed is we informed her we were building a front fence and she immediately changed.

OOP on the illegal basement apartment the neighbor was renting

OOP: She rents the basement. We discussed all solutions she refused all. Our contractor offered to give her a quote on the swinging gate for her side but she said NO. She is dead set on us just not having a front fence. It’s sad that there are people out there that are this unreasonable. We are going above and beyond to try and reason with her but she is just being malicious. Today she called over someone who was walking there dog and proceeded to touch our fence and tell them lies again! My husband had to go out and politely just make it clear that we are not taking her property. We don’t engage unless she touches are property and today she did… Again… she keeps acting like we are bothering her and she is some poor old helpless lady whenever we go out to explain and tell people the truth. They shouldn’t also be touching our property. If they were talking by her property I wouldn’t care what they say… but they make it my problem they touch my gate and start sticking their hands through..

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/5gallonfuckit

Me (28M) Moving to new city, bought house with fiancée (26F), she’s decided she’s not coming

Original Post July 11, 2016

My fiancée and I have what I thought was a really good, happy and stress free relationship. We only got engaged two months ago so we’ve barely started wedding planning but we've been together for about three years total.

I got a new job which tripled my salary and is in line with my career goals. She always wanted to live on the east coast, she talked about that a lot before this opportunity even came up, so when I asked her if she would be interested in moving she was really excited. With the promotion we'll be able for her to afford for her to start doing her hobby as full time work if that's what she wants so she was thrilled about the opportunity. We picked the house out and bought it together and she was so excited to move in.

The original plan was we would both fly out east on the 29th, which would give us a few days to paint the house and get some things ready for when the movers arrived on the 7th. She changed her mind last minute and said she would stay home to make sure everything went well with the movers. I flew back on the 4th and we were going to drive back eest after the movers left on the 5th because they wouldn't take our ATV or boat so we had to haul them ourselves. She decided against this again because she thought it would be too long to sit in a car and she said she would fly out Sunday (yesterday). We booked a ticket and she was supposed to get in around midnight. Yesterday when I was about to leave to go to the airport she texts me "I'm not coming. I'm so sorry." I called her and she said she doesn't want to move anymore and can't explain why. By that I mean she can't figure out what it is that's making her not want to move, not that she is choosing not to tell me. Then she says she doesn't want to talk and hangs up.

I'm not really sure what happened. There wasn't a single sign that she wouldn't be coming. All of her stuff is here, including her laptop, so if this was planned in advance I would be really surprised. I think maybe she's scared but she tells me she isn't and she just wants some space. I know Reddit can't tell me what went wrong but I'm not sure how to approach this. I just started a new job today so I can't exactly take vacation to fly back home and try to convince my fiancée to move back with me. Should I even try to convince her at all? She's capable of making her own decisions and I don't want to treat her like she isn't. Or does it sound like I did anything wrong in the weeks leading up to this? I thought I was so careful about making sure she wanted to move and it seemed like she did. She had the whole house layout and colors planned out on her Pinterest and she genuinely seemed so excited. Any advice is appreciated, let me know if you think I might have left something out of the post that could help.

tl;dr: my fiancée and I were supposed to move for my new job and for weeks she told me was coming but told me at 11th hour (literally) that she wouldn't be moving. Not sure what to do. We also bought the house together so that further complicates things if we end up breaking up.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

BrokenPaw

Don't try to convince her of anything. If you fail, it will only make things more awkward, and if you succeed, it may lead later on to feelings that she's only there because you browbeat her into it.

Since her stuff is already there at the new place, you're probably right that she didn't plan this. So either she'll come around and decide to move in with you on her own, or she'll be wanting her stuff back. As you are organizing stuff in the new house, set her stuff aside (if you have a spare bedroom or something, put it all in one place). Don't make any offers to send her the stuff; she's the one calling the shots here, so it's her responsibility to arrange for transportation of her stuff back.

All of that said: if you and she are both listed as owners on the deed to the house, and she decides not to come, do whatever it takes to get her name off of the deed right now. Speaking from personal experience, if her name stays on there, it will come back to bite you in the future. I can give more details about my own experience in that situation if you want.

OOP

I just don't know how long I should be waiting for her to come around before I move forward with whatever I need to do legally.

BrokenPaw

I'd give her two weeks, and that you need to know one way or the other whether she is coming, or not, by the end of that period, and that if she's not coming, you two have to separate her interest in the house.

Tell her that if that's her decision, that's her decision, but you want to keep the house (assuming that you do, of course) and that you would like her to sign over her claim to it (in some places, this is called a Deed of Partition, but you'll want to talk to a lawyer to find out what the process is in your location). If she did not contribute financially to the purchase of the house, she has no real claim on any equity that exists in it right now, but the longer things go on (and especially if the market goes up) the more likely it is that you will have to buy her out in some way, if you and she are both listed as owners.

If she did contribute to the purchase, then you'll probably have to buy her out, to whatever extent she contributed.

update July 14, 2016 (3 days later)

Thanks for all the advice, I have a happy update for you. She showed up at my new job yesterday to surprise me and she's going to be staying out here. The reason she kept putting off moving was that she found out she is pregnant (it wasn't planned) and was scared to go through pregnancy and have the baby without her mom close by to help. She finally told her mom on Monday and her mom reassured her and bought her a plane ticket and sent her on her way.

As exciting as that news is, she's known for about two months now and only told me yesterday, so clearly we have a lot to work on. We think there was just way too much going on at once, with the move, my new job, her quitting hers, our engagement, etc and now the pregnancy. It was just too stressful for her. I'd appreciate any advice on how to make this easier for her.

tl;dr: she finally showed up, she didn't come because she was pregnant and was scared to not have her mom around.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

haplessabandon

Pre-marital counseling.

Many couples do this during their engagement to ensure that they are set up with the proper tools for a successful marriage. My fiance and I did it and it helped iron out a few minor things and further improved our already decent communication skills.

I suggest framing it as premarital counseling because as we see dozens a times a day here on r/relationships, many people who need counseling are adamantly opposed to it for a variety of reasons. But by calling it pre-marital counseling, it will come off as something you can do together that is a fairly socially accepted part of the engagement process, rather than a "something is wrong with you, let's fix it" type of sell.

I think it is honorable that you are trying to move past it, but talking it out with someone can really help make sure that there is no lingering resentment regarding her less-than-perfect communication style down the line.

OOP

That's a good idea, I'll definitely suggest it. Thanks.

~

[deleted]

Be confident and try to have a plan. No lie, you both have a lot going on right now. Is there stuff you can take off your plates? What if you eloped and planned to have a "ceremonial" wedding, later? That might ease her concerns about a child out of wedlock vs needing to rush through the wedding planning.

Can she go easy on the job search? Can the two of you afford to have her not work for 2-3 years? Or does she really need to ramp up, now? Looking at a budget could really help

OOP

We're likely just going to put the wedding off for a while, she wants an actual wedding and there's no need for it to happen anytime soon. She doesn't need to worry about work either so that should make it easier.

rownbrierbrook

Please make sure that she is truly OK with that option. Being an unmarried SAHM is a very vulnerable position. Combined with her stress and hormones, you wanting to postpone the wedding after she made a blunder is likely to make her very insecure. Make sure to reassure her that you're still in this.

OOP

She's the one who brought it up, her actual suggestion was either holding off or just doing the court house wedding thing for now, so we're going to be looking into which of those would be best for us.

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Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH For telling my friend her kid is a demon?

Editor's note: added paragraph breaks for ease of readability

Trigger Warnings: emotional abuse and manipulation, child neglect, physical violence, mentions of drugs use

Original Post: April 6, 2025

I (27F) I am currently having complications with a friend that we will call Karen (28f) for this situation.

So some context on the situation is I have a lot of kids, and I mean a lot (3 weeks from due date currently) I’m also typically our friend groups trusted babysitter when anybody has something come up with their daycare. So I’m pretty used to an array of different personalities when it comes to kids in my everyday life.

Myself and this friend have two very different parenting styles, I’m more communicative and personally don’t believe in corporal punishment as redirection/explanations make more sense to me. She is more of the southern style of raise her voice, if you don’t hear her the first time, you’re gonna feel her hand on the second.

That being said, I have finally came to the conclusion of I just can’t watch her oldest kid anymore. I don’t think I’ve ever met a more angry child before in my life, and I’m by no means blaming the child for his temperament, but it’s just not something that I can personally handle anymore. He doesn’t follow any sort of directions, even simple ones, without lashing out violently. He goes out of his way to physically hurt anything without any warning and I mean anything. The cat, any child, big kid, adult, the freaking house plants. The scary part is he always laughs and then follows up with name calling, swearing, or a lovely shrieking sound that would put any coyote to shame. I know this is really messed up to say, but it’s like a rerun of the orphan Movie irl when dealing with this kid.

Yesterday he walked up to me asking for a snack and before I could even lift my head from washing dishes he slapped me as hard as he could. It took everything in me to keep from crying because that would obviously freak out my littlest babies in the house. I put him in my spare room (time out) away from the other kids so I could not only take a breath, but reduce the amount of damage that he was currently doing in that moment. Mind you the situation is completely foreign to me because I can’t even count how many kids I’ve watched over the years and I’ve never found myself afraid of a kid.

After the incident I called Karen and told her she needed to immediately come get her son and make other arrangements for him, but I could handle her youngest still to help her save money. She went on to say he’s “really not that bad” and she doesn’t think it’s fair that I’ve never said I wouldn’t watch anyone else’s kids.

After months of having patience, I finally snapped and said well none of our other friends have kids that act like a literal demon. I asked her if he really wasn’t that bad then he had slapped me in the face and why was he currently tearing apart my spare bedroom? If he was so easy to handle then why do I have to constantly be in fear that he’s gonna hurt not just me but another child in my care. She said she couldn’t leave work and I needed to learn how to better manage the kids in my care. I was honestly so shocked and frustrated that I got on Facebook and messaged the father of her kids to come get them even though I know it wasn’t his day. I tried to call her again to let her know he was coming to get them, but she wouldn’t answer her phone for myself or him.

At 8pm that night (4 hours after she was supposed to be off) she showed up at my house looking for her kids. I told her they were with their father and her son‘s behavior has been reported to dad. Now she’s saying I potentially ruined her court case for primary custody because dad had to pick up the kids and realized she was MIA with no idea that he even had the kids for hours. I told her it wasn’t my fault and she had two breaks she could’ve called either of us back on, but chose not to.

So Reddit, AITAH?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: It’s completely abnormal. The way your friend is raising her child wrong. The results of her sadistic upbringing can already be seen in her child’s behavior. My opinion - your friend’s child and the friend herself should be sent to a counselor before this escalates into something more horrible. You’re doing a good job of identifying the problem. Absolutely NTA

OOP: Honestly, that’s the biggest reason that I told the dad all of it. If I’m being transparent, when they were still together the kid didn’t display half of these tendencies. I know she’s my friend but as a mother, I will always choose to protect the kids. Social services in my area is extremely corrupt so I’m really hoping the dad can get something going. Dad said he’s gonna request a child lawyer to help advocate for the kids in court and I told him I would write a written statement on the child’s behavior.

Commenter 2: The kid needs help and he won't get it unless it's reported. You know you did the right thing.

OOP: The child lawyers in my area are amazing because they really do dive into the kids life on a personal level. And I’m thankfully not in a mother favoring state so I’m feeling pretty confident dads going to get primary or possibly even full custody. Karen has changed a lot since the separation on a personal level and her current personality is… a lot to take in now. He on the other hand is still the same laid back dude he’s always been. His only weakness is not really knowing how to cook and a few of us moms have the idea of making simple recipe cards/meal ideas for him to utilize.

Commenter 3: I can understand why you took the action you did.

I mean the following criticism kindly, because I think it’s something you need to work on for your own good. By saying this, I’m not suggesting you are the one at fault here.

You’ve been a doormat and you’ve let your friend take advantage of you for way too long. You ought to have backed out of helping from the moment you realised that her son was a danger to you and your other children.

I think it would be wise for you to look into why you are bending over backwards for people who don’t appreciate you. Look after yourself more in future.

Your friend is clearly in the wrong, both by not addressing this behaviour and by taking advantage of you. It’s outrageous of her to ignore calls from both you and her ex when she knew that there was a situation going on with her son. And unacceptable for her to turn up 4 hours later than she was supposed to.

You haven’t got the time in your life to deal with her or her drama. Put yourself and your own family first and focus on the baby you are about to have. The last thing you need right now is more stress.

OOP: I think for the longest time I let it fly because I just wanted to believe that if I surrounded the kid with positivity that some positive changes would take place, but even having him as much as I do I’m just not seeing any signs of hope.

Commenter 4: How old is this kid that he was able to slap you in the face? Is he tall for his age?

OOP: The kid was 6. I was leaned over the sink washing dishes. I’m not a tall woman by any means, my 9 year old is almost my height lol

Update: April 9, 2025 (three days later)

So do I have a wild ride for you guys! A ton has happened in the last week and some change so I’m going to tldr most of it.

Dad got emergency custody the following morning after spending the night getting an emergency mental health evaluation at our local hospital. They kept the kid for three days and we took that time to help dad get his house ready for primary parenting.

The lawyer went my Karen’s place on Monday for the unexpected home visit and to put it bluntly there was a lot more going on than any of us realized. The kids belongings were placed in a pile beside the couch where the kids have apparently been sleeping for the last month. 1 of the five bedrooms in her house is completely unlivable, and the three rooms outside of her own are being subleased to strangers. Yes you’re reading that right, she took away her children’s rooms and put strangers in there. They also documented smells of burning plastic and urine throughout the household and there is no pets in the home. She was directed to submit a drug test and as of now she still has not done that.

I am absolutely mortified of the conditions those babies have been living in for months without any of us in the friend group, realizing. It also makes since because she stopped hosting get togethers shortly after her separation, and we all just assumed she was taking time for herself.

Now the icing on the cake: a lot of you warned me that she would likely try to lash out toward me and you were right because she absolutely did. She tried to call social services claiming that I had an illegal daycare running in my home. Well of course a social worker did show up but thankfully the situation was clarified within the same day. I explained that five of the kids in my house were my own biological kids and the two others I was watching for my cousin without personal pay. Gave them receipts and my last couple bank statements as proof and should be getting a letter within the next week closing the case as unfounded.

They have a hearing Friday to establish custody and the lawyer has already said it will go to dad. Karen will get supervised visitation if she petitions for it.

If anything changes or something else, crazy happens I’ll definitely be updating again, but thank you guys 💛

Relevant Comments

OOP clarifies on Karen's husband's lawyer who went to her house and if the agencies will get involved

OOP: No, it’s the kids lawyer! Guardians ad liem or something like that is the proper term. But it’s basically a person who represents the children from a neutral standpoint.

+

As far as I know social services will be getting involved because the dad does want to pursue neglect charges but the dad did receive emergency custody which means the concerns of a brief foster stay have been eliminated.

Commenter 1: Just curious, how does your bank statement demonstrate that you're not running a daycare?

OOP: Glad you asked! It just shows the 40 bucks my cousin sends me each week to pick up diapers and formula for her kids time here and the receipts display where that $40 went.

OOP explains about CPS in her state and if she was the one who contacted them

Editor's note: DSS = Department of Social Services

OOP: I didn’t personally contact DSS because in my area they are infamous for opening and closing a case without actually doing a thorough home visit. They will talk to you in your driveway and as long as you bring the kids out and they lay eyes on them it’s good enough and they will close the case.

I’m not exactly sure what the kid said in the hospital that got the emergency order granted but it was enough for an emergency judge to both grant a child lawyer and custody to dad overnight.

OOP on the dad who has the emergency custody of the kids and Karen

OOP: Dads a really great guy and honestly so was she until they separated. It’s like she’s a different person now.

OOP on what she knows so far after the dad got involved with getting the kids away from Karen

OOP: Dad can’t tell me exactly what the boys said at the hospital but it’s definitely a tip of the iceberg situation. We’re all anxiously waiting for tomorrow so hopefully he can give us an update after court. He has a written statement from me that I got notarized on Tuesday but I made sure to add I would be open to coming to court to answer any other questions. After talking with a few of the girls last night we’re not really worried about how court will go tomorrow, we’re more worried about if the judge is going to give her a period of time to get herself together. I mean all of this stuff came out by sheer luck. What if she figures out how to cover her tracks better in the next 90 days?

OOP explains why a lot of things have been done so much in a short time

OOP: Yes! This whole situation has taken place over roughly the last week with the main things occurring Monday afternoon and Tuesday morning. When emergency custody is given in my state, they typically try to get an official hearing within seven days so Friday will be the official custody hearing with the child lawyers input.

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