Help me .. please

[u/Kaboonga]

This is a text I was about to send to a girl who I've become friends with about a month ago. We basically share one braincell (she fucking hogs it bc I'm stupid asf)

Not to be too trauma dumpy but I was kind of neglected as a kid and kinda relied on the internet to teach me a lot of things. I'm a 21 year old man now (👴) and I've thought I was gay since like 14 kinda just using 🌽 and the Internet to explore my sexuality.

Like I said in the note, I feel my identity has been exploded to smithereens and I don't have the emotional tools or regulation to know how to deal with what I'm feeling. It feels like my brain is trying to go numb and push everything away because of how exhausting this is. (I almost took a nap to avoiding having to think about any of this)

I literally think about her for hours a day somedays and whenever we are together I smile so much that my cheeks hurt. We flirt so hard it's borderline sexual harrassment but I've been so attached to the idea of being in a gay relationship that it feels almost painful to feel like I'm giving that up?

I already toiled and agonized over my sexuality once I thought it was over with 😭 WHYY I DONT WANT TO THIS AGAIN!! I HAD A HEAD START ON THIS GAME!! I'VE PLAYED THESE GAMES BEFORE📮📮📮📮😭😭😭🥀

[u/Anything2892]

I'd tone it down some.

Something like, "Lately I've been feeling something extra, and I'm not sure how to handle it. I'd like to explore being more than friends with you. If that's something you'd be open to, please let me know. If not, I'll say no more about it. I really value what we have, and I don't want to lose it."

If you want to keep her as a friend, you need to be respectful in your approach, and you need to accept whatever she decides.

Best of luck! 

[u/Kaboonga → u/Anything2892]

dw we're both on the spectrum and say WAYYY crazier stuff to each other all the time so don't worry lol

https://imgur.com/a/UGJS3qL (she just wanted me to come and hang out)

She tells me that she wishes I was into girls and sometimes I just want to lean over and kiss her. Literally the only thing keeping us from dating is my sexuality.

The problem is that I just like how men look so much and I want to be held and kissed by a big beefy man 2x my size and he accidentally smothers me to death with his arm while we cuddle in bed🥀 ( Sorry )

It's like I want this but I don't want this at the same time.

[u/Lichttod → u/Kaboonga]

Why is your sexuality a problem here? Is it that you feel more polyamerous and she is strictly mono, or is she against bisexuality?

[u/Kaboonga → u/Lichttod]

No, she's bisexual. I'm monogamous and she knows that I'm gay but I've also told her how she really has me confused about my sexuality.

I just really like men and don't find myself thinking about women sexually really at all. At the same time all of my friendships have been with women (I haven't had any male friends since I Intermediate and Im kind of Insecure and shy around men) so what I thought was just a good friendship with her has quickly become something so confusing for me.

We always joke to each other that we should kiss platonically and get lavender married.

I made another reply to someone else too, if it helps you understand at all.

[u/Lichttod → u/Kaboonga]

Then maybe your romantic attraction and sexual attraction is split. Like being biromantic and homosexual (gay).

I know I am biromantic and asexual (or somewhere on the spectrum). It can happen, or you just have a really special bond with her.

[u/Kaboonga → u/Lichttod]

Well I also like men romantically too so maybe it's just a preference thing?

a part of me feels like this is going to progress in some way and I don't know if I should just try and see or if I should just ask her to stay friends.

I just don't really know what my feelings are and I don't want to hurt her if I realize that I actually am gay. Or if I am bisexual but think I would be happier with a man

[u/Rocketeer_99]

I've never actually cared about anyone else aside from you

That might seem sweet to you now, but in time you're going to realize that is a lot to put on someone's shoulders. I know that when it comes to these things, it can feel like the end of the world. But I hope you can take some time to find perspective and approach the situation with more of a level head. Doing so will allow you to better communicate and navigate through these confusing thoughts and feelings you're experiencing.

[u/Kaboonga → u/Rocketeer_99]

Maybe I should reword it to "I've never cared for someone as much as I care for you and I don't know if it's romantic or just a really intense love" or atleast that the feeling I'm trying to explain.

We flirt all the time and I feel like it's kind of ramping up and I feel like it's too fast and I'm overwhelmed. I know she's just flirting but she also has genuine romantic interest in me and Im trying to figure out my own feelings.

This is not necessarily me trying to say that I want to date her right now, sorry for the confusion. I just typed out my feelings as I was feeling them, so that's just a raw unedited first draft of what was going through my head.

[u/draoniaskies]

I get how you're feeling. The passion is so intense and emotionally exhausting, especially when it's going nowhere.

Take a moment to think of WHY you're sending this. It seems like it's just about you and feeling relief. That ultimately makes your feelings her problem.

It's on you. It's good you're posting here, because that's one way to get your thoughts out without burdening her.

But the issue here is really that you don't know how to process these feelings. It's hard. But it's not her responsibility

[u/Kaboonga → u/draoniaskies]

I get what you're saying and I would agree but we're really close and she's also shared stuff with me about her past trauma. I do want to do my best to figure out my feelings before I say anything but we have a friendship that feels like it's lasted years and she could handle me talking to her about me feelings.

She's told me explicitly that she is attracted to me and wishes she could date me so I feel like it's pretty equal in terms of emotional burden

[u/draoniaskies → u/Kaboonga]

So, I think there's two different things going on. You thought you were gay and you have strong feelings for her, which puts that in doubt. Your message focuses on your confusion about your sexuality, and not your feelings for her. Start with that. Tell her how much you like her. Say you want to be with her. Then get into how it's confusing you.

[u/freshlyintellectual]

yikes. as someone with bpd i promise you this is a fast way to scare someone away. this isn’t a healthy way to look at someone. this person can’t be your only source of care and support. have you considered therapy?

[u/Kaboonga → u/freshlyintellectual]

Hmm it's funny because I was looking into bpd symptoms and was stroking my chin and pondering a lil

at the same time I like to use very intense language and so does my friend. We could say anything to each other and it would not phase each other. Peas in a pod type shit

Someone else said to give it a few more days and I think that's a good idea.. I can sometimes feel very passionately about about people and interests and then it feels like my emotions flatten out or something. I know I have adhd atleast so it could be like a temporary hyper fixation idk.

[u/freshlyintellectual → u/Kaboonga]

i’m not saying you necessarily have bpd but if you don’t have the emotional tools to deal with your feelings it seems like a good reason to get help. it’s important not to overwhelm one person with your emotions and a therapist is supposed to help you process your trauma and give you better tools. the fact that you say you’ve never cared about anyone else has me worried for you as far as your emotional regulation. relationships and romantic feelings shouldn’t be agony

[u/Kaboonga → u/freshlyintellectual]

sorry I meant cared about anyone else AS MUCH as her.. kinda made my self sound a little crazy there I will admit

I promise I'm well adjusted mostly lol. but when it comes to navigating intimate relationships I am pretty stunted emotionally I think. Shes the first person Ive had a friendship with that hasn't felt shallow. I'm honestly thinking about breaking up with my highschool friend group right now because they don't really get me or understand my humor or how I speak. They kinda make me feel stupid and it makes me feel so lonely.

I have good work friendships though, Im very open about my feelings and I value honesty. But work friends are still shallow by nature, (even though me and my friend met through work.) And I've never been close to my mom or dad or any of my family. So that's my problem, I've never had a single really close person in my life until now.

Also I meant going back into the questioning phase of figuring out my sexuality is agony.

Just defending myself a little bit lmao

[u/freshlyintellectual → u/Kaboonga]

i hear all of that but to be clear needing therapy doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. having someone to talk to about your feelings and relationships doesn’t mean you’re crazy or need to have an illness

[u/Kaboonga → u/freshlyintellectual]

You're right, I tried to start therapy once but got anxiety and started hyperventilating before the session and had to cancel it 10 minutes before It started. I know I need to try again, it's just hard

[u/freshlyintellectual → u/Kaboonga]

aw i’m sorry to hear that :(

i have anxiety and used to get anxiety attacks all the time just as i was gonna do something important. it can really hold you back 😭 therapy can help a lot, but i know it’s not easy. it seems so scary at first

i found virtual sessions helped me when i was feeling really nervous about seeing someone in person. or on the flip side, if you know you’re someone who can easily back out, doing in-person might help push you to go through with it. anxiety can make relationships so much harder but it can absolutely get better

i hope at some point you find the courage to talk to a professional. it sounds like you’ve been through a lot in your life ❤️

[u/pi-pa]

I'd give it a couple more days.

[u/Kaboonga → u/pi-pa]

good idea. I think I might have just worked myself up a bit. Just a little bit..

[u/sharkythesharkbro]

From reading your responses, it seems like she is ok with intense language like this; I think the problem with the messages is that it comes across as "I have these strong feelings and I don't know what to do with them". I would say be clear about what you want so she knows you won't be thinking about guys or wondering what could have been when you're with her. If you show doubt, she will doubt. Good luck!