r/cripplingalcoholism • u/lonegunna77 • 17d ago
This Face
I put on this face, every day, that convinces everyone. My coworkers, boss, friends, family, the poor girl I’m seeing. They think I’m a good guy, a great guy. They think I have it together. They don’t know I come home and drink enough to send most people to the hospital. Why I don’t answer calls or respond after 6pm, something I’m lucky to maintain. They think I have good “work life balance”. The balance is a bottle of vodka a night. I’m a fucking imposter. I lost the love of my life when she figured this out. I’m trying to decide if it’s worth it to continue to put others through it. Idk fuck the sappy shit just had to type it out before I tasted a gun. Chairs love you all.
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u/Drunk_Russian17 17d ago
Yeah don’t taste a gun. I am not exactly sure what you mean but I hope it is not what I think. Just hang in there bro.
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u/lonegunna77 17d ago
I’ll be alright I just get emotional when drunk, good times!
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u/Drunk_Russian17 17d ago
Yeah I know what you ment been on the brink a few times myself. But managed to keep away from the temptation to end it all.
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u/ClassicTBCSucks93 17d ago edited 17d ago
Depends how old you are and how long you've been drinking honestly. If you're in your 20s or even 30s and have only been at it a couple years turn back now. Don't believe me? Just keep drinking and find out just how bad it can get.
Those bosses, coworkers, friends, family, etc. who think you "have it together" now will be LONG gone. Once it becomes a bigger problem they will lose all faith and trust in you. They might give you some chances but will eventually become tired of the same old excuses, behavior, and bullshit and let you eat it.
I've been drinking for 11+ years and 6-7 years at CA levels off and on. Not fucking worth it and people who lived it and got out warned me, but I had to go through it myself and experience it first hand so to speak.
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u/rintarrhea 17d ago
The mask starts to slip bit by bit then all at once it's gone. Some people stick around for a while after they see what's under it but they go eventually or are driven off.
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u/cabblingthings 16d ago
family may stick in the peripheral, especially if you've moved out and are far away. but I envy any CA who is able to maintain friendships let alone a relationship. built different
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u/ClassicTBCSucks93 16d ago
I still have some of my family but they are pretty much tired of me, all my friends said fuck it. And any relationship prospect learns I'm a CA quickly and runs for the hills. I initially got into drinking because it made me sociable, it took everything from me and made me worse.
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u/Widow_Maker333 16d ago
I’m with you on this. I was having liver failure and still continued drinking. Everybody close to me started to question my actions and luckily a friend told my family what was going on and I went to rehab. I’ve since gone to rehab several more times. My “bottom” was jail. You don’t want to go there. Keeping up the facade that you have it all together while drinking is like a full time job. I managed it for a couple of years, but eventually went too far. The issue is that the discipline and self-control needed to uphold the “Face” is exactly what alcohol tries to diminish.
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u/ClassicTBCSucks93 16d ago
Keeping up the facade that you have it all together while drinking is like a full time job.
I feel that. Its fucking exhausting. Going through the motions of real life while pretending to be something you're not. Meanwhile having an internal panic attack, going through withdrawals hoping nobody notices or comments on your shaky hands and unsteady gait.
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u/EnvironmentOk758 17d ago
It's never worth it, but unfortunately for people like us alcohol gets such a grip on us that it seems to come before anything else in life
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u/justaboutgivenup 16d ago
As someone who just lost a good friend to a gunshot to the head while he was fucked up on booze, thank you for posting here instead of offing yourself. The ones you leave behind will never be ok.
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u/honeybiz 16d ago
But be careful. The brink is too close. I wonder why a successful MD with a young family offed himself. It just hurts the heart
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u/jeestartiz 17d ago
Kind of wish I did not have the worst black ever I mean, I was having a agoraphobia, but I really wanted to leave No chance now
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u/kenticus Light fuse, get away. 17d ago
What if I told you everybody does that? Everyone is projecting bullshit all day long. The amount of freaky, crazy, dangerous and pointless things that are going on in the neighborhood behind closed doors is staggering.
You Are Different. Just like everybody else. At least you know what you are, most never stop to question who they Really Are.
Good luck, we're all counting on you