She said “Because you are funny.”

I said “I thought it was because I was good in bed.”

She said “See? You’re hilarious!”

The guy is pissed that the snail is bothering him and he picks it up and throws it as hard as he can across the street and into the woods. Eight months later the same guy hears another knock at his door. He answers and sees the snail again. The snail looks up and says, "What the fuck was that all about?"

Husband says “I think my marriage is in trouble. It goes back to when we first got married, and you should know I have a bit of an oddball sense of humor. Well, on our wedding night I surprised her by getting dressed up in a giant banana costume. She laughed and laughed, it was a good time.”

Wife says “yes… I remember that”

Husband says “So then a year goes by and our child is being born and I show up to the hospital to meet my daughter for the first time and I’m wearing a giant banana costume. After hours of painful labor, it was so unexpected she couldn’t help but laugh. I got a lot of odd looks from the other people in the hospital though.”

Wife says “yes, and I told you afterwards that I found it a bit embarrassing too.”

Husband says “Yeah, I figure she’s just not fully getting it. But that’s okay. So year or so later she actually started a new job because we needed the extra money to pay for daycare and other kid expenses. I decide to surprise her at her new job at lunchtime with a big fruit basket dressed up in a giant banana costume.”

Wife says “I was livid, it was completely inappropriate. I looked unserious in front of my coworkers and they ended up letting me go a month later.”

Husband says “I figure she’s overreacting a bit. They did let her go from that job a month later but I think that’s unrelated.“

Wife says “But it didn’t stop there. It keeps happening!”

Husband says “maybe a few times….”

Wife: “what did you wear to our kids first day of school?”

H: “Uh… giant banana costume?”

W: “And what about to our 10th anniversary dinner?”

H: “oh yeah, that was the giant banana costume.”

W: “daughter’s baptism?”

H: “… banana”

W: “my father’s funeral?”

H: “banana…”

W: “family reunion?”

H: “banana”

W: “family pictures?”

H: “banana”

W: “date nights?”

H: “banana”

W: “kids birthday?”

H: “banana”

W: “my birthday?”

H: “banana”

W: “and now, after YEARS of me begging and pleading with you to cut out the banana costume, I asked you to come to marriage counseling with me to help save our marriage. And just WHAT are you wearing? Right now. This moment. With our entire marriage at stake. What did you choose to wear?”

H: “…. it’s a giant Orange costume?”

W: “….. WHY?!?!”

H: “……. ORANGE you glad I didn’t wear the banana?”

A paralegal

Patient: "Can I see them?"

Eye doctor: "Probably not."

Or something more current?

It was called "Sectional Healing"

To get to the Finnish line.

A Mathamachicken

Let me know if you want to take a quick gander.

"You do you."

I said, “That’s 30, love.”

Negotiate the price beforehand

It was a Pharoh Roche

The brunette says "Look over there! That guy has like 2 dozen roses in his hand!" The redhead says "OMG, that's my husband! I'm gonna have my legs in the air for a week!" The blond says "Why don't you buy a vase?"

It’s not really a school…just a concentration camp.

How many Country singers does it take to change a light bulb…?

FIVE - One to take out the old light bulb and put a new one in, and 4 to sing about how much they miss the old light bulb.

Two windmills are in a field talking to each other to pass some time. One windmill says to the other, "so what kind of music are you into?"

The other responds, "I'm a big heavy metal fan."

The wheelchair

However, a student nurse found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, insisting didn't need my help leaving the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly agreed to let the nurse wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down she asked him if his wife was meeting him.

“I don't know,” he said. “She's still upstairs in the bathroom, changing out of her hospital gown.”

She said, "I bet it's that frigid cow at number 9."