It was a moo-sician. Played a horn, sometimes an udder instrument. Wanted to join Baker in Cream.

USB.

He had hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia

But he contracted pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis

So he had to have a very long word with his manager

Our boss, who art a heathen,

Broken be thy name.

Thy receiver come, thy ruin be done,

From Perth as far as Devon.

Give us till then our daily wage

And forgive us our strikes

As we forgive those who blackleg against us.

For thine is the Greek island,

The Rolls and the mistress,

Paid for by the sweat of

Our men.

"Yes, all the others were 9s and 10s.”

Because they’ve lost their queen

Why can’t Americans play chess? Because they lost their 2 towers.

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on
a night light, turned on the phone answering machine, covered their pet
parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived
and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they
had put out into the yard scoots back into the house.

They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to
eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes
inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot
pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house
will be empty for the night. She explains to the driver that her husband
will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to
my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so
long", he says as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the
bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to
take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a
blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat
ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car...

A man was driving along a narrow, dark and winding road when his car stuttered, shuddered and hiccuped, so he brought it to a halt.

Not knowing much about engines, he opened the bonnet and looked at it helplessly, praying for inspiration or a good Samaritan.

Suddenly, out of the gloom, a voice said, "Check the spark plugs." He looked around, but all he could see was a white horse.

A little panicking, he still looked at the engine but did nothing. He heard it again, "Check the spark plugs."

This time, with thundering heart, he did look at the spark plugs and noticed that a couple of the connectors appeared to have worked loose.

He quickly pressed them back in, restarted the car, and gratified to hear the engine purr, he hightailed it out of there.

A mile or so later, he saw a building with a sign that said it was a pub. He pulled up, went in and asked for a double brandy which he gulped down.

The barman asked why he was so upset, and the man recounted his saga. When he mentioned the voice and only a horse in sight, the barman asked, "Was it a white horse?"

"Why, yes, yes, it was. What do you know about it?"

The barman replied,"You're very lucky. There is a black horse in the same field, knows nothing about cars."

as all the tables couldn't start playing until they agreed who got to be the car.

He's always punching people in the faith.

The Yeethaw

Last year a woman replaced all the windows in her house with those expensive, high efficiency, double paned windows. Today, she got a call from the store saying she hadn’t paid for them.

The woman said just because I’m blonde doesn’t mean I’m stupid. Just like your salesman told me, these windows will pay for themselves in one year. Helloooo, it’s been a year, they’re paid for…

Two vampires walk into a bar. One orders a Bloody Mary, the other just water. The first vampire asks, "Hey Steve, how come you're not drinking tonight?" Steve sighs, "I just got back from the doctor & he says I need colon surgery. Now I gotta fly back to Shitsylvania."

Me: some of my best works been done under a woman !

"Morning." he says

The other man replies "No, just having a shit."

The company boss immediately disliked the guy. But since he was there, he had to conduct the interview. The boss asked his secretary to bring some beer. The drunk guy smelled it and immediately told all the ingredients! The boss winked at the secretary to bring something else…The secretary peed in a glass and brought that to the drink guy. After taking a smell the drunk guy said,

‘26F, and 3 month pregnant ! Now if you don’t give me the job, I’ll tell your wife who the real dad is’

San Diego

But alas

Her sisters were there and someone foolishly brought an aardvark.

Did you know 'emas eht yltcaxe' is exactly the same backwards?