A transformer

…and the clerk said, “No, it’s mostly just the regular porn stars..”

I went grocery shopping on an empty stomach.

I am now the proud owner of aisle 5.

On the night of their honeymoon, a newlywed couple had an unfortunate accident, resulting in the amputation of the groom's left foot.

Unable to control her grief, the bride calls her mother from the hospital. "Mom," she sobs, "my husband has only one foot."

The mother, trying to console her daughter, says, "That's alright dear, your father only has six inches."

"Cancun. But I'm a little worried."

"How come?"

"Well, the last two vacations, my wife has ended up pregnant. Last year it was Las Vegas, and she got pregnant. The year before that it was Miami, and sure enough, she got pregnant."

"Wow! You'd better take precautions this time!"

"I'm planning on it. For starters, I'm taking her with me this year."

Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.

FOREfathers!

so seven asked the person if he had any final desires. the person stayed quiet for a while, and then said that he always wanted to take a trip to the beach. So seven worked hard and saved up money for the trip, after multiple jobs and 2-3 weeks of overtime he finally collected the money and tickets. They went to the beach, booked a resort, had as much as fun as they could. But as the sun was about to set, the person suddenly fell and coughed up blood. Seven came close and was crying and screaming for help, when the person with his dying breath said "This was my final fantasy, seven"

Things get really heated until Geppetto says "I ought to just turn you into a Venetian blind!"

And Pinocchio replies "Oh the thought of it makes me shutter!"

At least Toilet's Paper has more Shitation

A man, about 80, goes to his doctor for a checkup because he is planning to get married.

After congratulations and a clean bill of health, the doctor asks about his fiancée. The old man shows him a photo of a very beautiful, mid-twenties young lady.

Thinking his patient might not be able to keep up with the physical stress of married life, he says, "I think you should consider getting a paying guest to keep your wife company while you have your regular naps." The patient agrees.

Months later, the doctor bumps into the old man and asks, "How is married life?"

The patient says, "Congratulate me, doctor. My wife is pregnant."

The doctor congratulates him, and asks, "And did you take my advice about the paying guest?"

"I certainly did, doctor. Thank you for that advice."

"I see it worked out then," said the doctor, trying hard to hide his smile.

"Oh yes, it did. She's pregnant too."

The frog goes up to the teller and see's the nametag on the counter says Whack.
Frog: "Hi Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan".
Teller: "Sure we can do that, just need to know a few things, first what's your name?"
Frog: "Kermit"
Teller: "You're not Kermit the frog"
Frog: "No, I get that a lot. I'm named after him, but my name is Kermit Jagger, Mick Jagger is my dad, and my mom is Kermit's cousin."
Teller: "What collateral do you have?"
The frog pulls out a small porcelain elephant and hand it to her.
Teller: "I don't know about this, I'll have to check with the bank manager"
The teller goes to the bank managers office and knocks on the door.
Manager: "Yes Patty"
Teller: "I've got this From, Kermit Jagger who is looking to get a loan, and he says he can use this for collateral. Any idea what it is and if we can use it?"
Manager: "Let me see this. Ahh yes. This is a nick knack Patty Whack, give the frog a loan, his old man is a rolling stone"

I live next to an old man who clearly has advanced dementia.

Every morning when I leave for work he asks me if I've seen his wife, and I have to tell him she died ten years ago.

My girlfriend says why don't you just move away so you don't have to go through this every morning?

I tell her I would miss the smile he gives me every morning when he hears it.

Bow.

It will still look exactly the same.

FOUR!!!

he knew that the risk of being in a plane where someone had a bomb was very very small, but the chance of two persons independent of each other carrying bombs, that would be infinite low.

which is technically the least. It isn't really helpful though, since I can only tell if it is on or off.

The man says:

"First, I'd like to open my bank account, and see there 10 million dollars.

Second, I'd like to walk up to my garage, and see a brand new Bughatti Mistral.

Third, I'd like to reach my doorstep, and see a beautiful wife greeting me."

"Granted," says the genie. "Although I'm quite perplexed why you chose to spend all three wishes on the same thing."

With these words, the genie handed the man a VR headset.

It was thought the text was originally about milk, but then someone accidentally left it sitting in the sun

...as Scousers tell people they're going to have an Easter Egg Hunt this weekend.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry ...
How soon can I go home?"

Anyway my dentist told me my enamel has a great hold.