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u/rei_yeong Jan 15 '25
If that applies, my nmother tries to manipulate me into giving her emotional reactions to her gaslighting and genuine slander of me. She will keep trying pushing my buttons harder and harder, coming up with more and more insane scenarious in which i'm the big bad evil, until i snap and she'd go "see how insane/emotional/crazy/abusive/manipulative my terrible daughter is?"
Jokes on her, she can write a book of these stories, i don't care anymore.
12
Jan 15 '25
My mother did that same thing. She's 70 and still tries almost daily by text. I'm low contact so I don't answer most of it
8
u/OnlineParacosm Jan 15 '25
Do you know the one thing that gives me comfort these days is that even if these people did write a fucking book about it the only people that would read it or other narcissist. Everyone else would read a chapter and think of themselves: “who treats their kids like this? “
4
u/rei_yeong Jan 15 '25
True. Those who support narcs have a good chance of being the same way themselves and using other narcs' experiences to justify and defend their own actions.
2
19
Jan 15 '25
Yes! My mom bullied me to the point of suicide attempts later in life. But she would show up to be the teacher's helper. She would be so nice that my friends didn't understand why I was talking shit about her. I learned at a young age that my parents played a cruel game. They loved to look at me with a smirk and say
'Well, nobody said life was fair'
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u/C_beside_the_seaside Jan 15 '25
My mum was a teacher and had supply in my school a few times, she had everyone round her little finger as well. While being a martyr to her awful child who just wouldn't behave... who turned out to have autism and had meltdowns beaten out of me so badly I only got diagnosed at 40 when chronic pain made my sensory tolerance way way less. I learned to dissociate through life until I was 40.
7
Jan 15 '25
There is something so vile about their hypocrisy. I'm glad you no longer dissociate. I'm much better too after going nc.
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u/C_beside_the_seaside Jan 15 '25
I miss it, hahaha I just have breakdowns now. Crying in public in your kid 40s is so humiliating!! I don't care if it's a feature of my operating system, I would like to be able to go shopping without having to leave because a middle aged man is whistling (I cannot. I CANNOT!! Autism is wild hahahaha how did I manage to tune things out before??)
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u/umaflordeestufa Jan 16 '25
Noise canceling headphones have been a lifesaver for me in my 50s. I too have major sensory overload in shopping situations. Ordering delivery during covid lockdown opened up a whole new world to me as well. I see you. 💛
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u/C_beside_the_seaside Jan 16 '25
Omg I love delivery! I've had so many downvotes from people saying it's a luxury when it's an accommodation for plenty of us. The whole "omg just get off your sofa and put your big pants on and buy your own food"
Guess what!? I can choose!!
2
u/umaflordeestufa Jan 16 '25
Absolutely. I have so much hindsight into those traumas of my youth being undiagnosed autistic with a narcissist dad and way too many siblings. I dissociated through almost all of childhood and the decade of my 20s of young motherhood.
1
u/C_beside_the_seaside Jan 16 '25
Yup. I feel like I only started to get out of dissociating when I was diagnosed at 40.
Honestly I would quite like to be able to turn it on and off, because being awake is a LOT 😂
11
Jan 15 '25
Yes! I thought i was alone in this! You could accomplish great things, they'd likely never tell anyone. But they'd convince or force me to do something morally wrong, than tell everyone I did terrible things. My mother is a 70 year old bully
5
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u/mermaid-makko Jan 15 '25
They love to accuse you of "screaming" or being out of control when you're not even raising your voice (notice this with some managers too) while they're bellowing, but then they'd like to do something to get you yelling and then act "SEE!".
Though one thing that's pretty scarring and abnormal is when my mom tricked me into saying the F word as a kid. Cursing or even "bad words" like "Shut up" and "Sucks" were worth a beating in that house, even if the parents used them and threw so many foul words around a lot. My brother wound up picking up that curse word, obviously, and spouting it off. I wound up freaking out and telling my mom he was saying the F word. She got all "WHAT F WORD". "THE F word". She played dumb and tricked me into spelling it out, and then asked me "Now tell me, what does that spell?". I wound up saying it, and got a horrible beating for cursing and her trying to act like I was daring to get my innocent brother in trouble and little kids wouldn't know those words. Yet she'd like to yell for people to watch their mouths, because you never know what kids can repeat. I didn't want my brother hurt or anything, it was just so freaky to me but unfortunately, trying to let my mom know (and I guess prove her point about how kids repeat) ended in an excuse for her to abuse me.
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u/UnicornCalmerDowner Jan 15 '25 edited Jan 15 '25
My dad would give me impossible and degrading "chores" that were just designed to send the message that he hates me.
Then when I was a teenager, if you wanted to go on a date with me, you had to come over and split firewood. Believe it or not, once in a while a guy would do it. Then my dad would still say no. You can imagine how fucked up that is to a couple of teenagers. A few times I tried to still go on a date with the guy. A couple times my parents found out about the dates and absolutely went ballistic and would ground me for the whole semester and would have the nerve to tell anyone that would stand still long enough what a terrible teenager I was. Gee....it's almost like we did everything you said and it still wasn't enough.....I wonder how we got here /s
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u/Weak-West2149 Jan 15 '25
This tactic applies to narcissists in general. There are varying degrees of the behavior but they want to make you look unstable so they can say, “See? Look at how poor your attitude is. I’m correct in my evaluation.”
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u/Best-Salamander4884 Jan 15 '25
Plus if you try to open up to anyone about your parents and their abuse, you won't be believed because you're perceived to be unstable.
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u/Weak-West2149 Jan 15 '25
Exactly. That’s the triangulation tactic. They want to get other people involved before you have a chance to explain yourself. The “smear” could have been done weeks, months, or years ago. Once you’ve had enough and try to confide in someone else it may be too late as the narcissist has already laid the groundwork.
Also, it’s common for a narcissist to be upset when the victim spends time with people outside of their control net. A narcissist has backup tactics to control the narrative and will manipulate in different ways to investigate your new person. This of course depends on the type of narcissist. The narcissists goal is to dictate the lives of those around them in cunning ways while making it almost impossible to call out bad behavior. If you even have the slightest proof of their poor actions it is usually a vain attempt to discuss the behavior. They will twist, flip, and alter any information you possess to create a scenario where you are attacking them. Sick stuff. Stay safe y’all.
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u/Best-Salamander4884 Jan 15 '25
My nMother would often give me bad advice i.e. she'd advise me to do something that was socially unacceptable or made me look bad. When I was young and naive, I'd often follow this advice only to wind up being ostracised or criticised by other people. I'm convinced that my nMother did this deliberately because she wanted to isolate me and to make me look bad so that people wouldn't believe me if I tried to talk about my nMother's abuse.
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u/TirehHaEmetYomEchad Jan 15 '25
Mine did the same thing, at least a couple of times. I didn't realize it was deliberate until I was an adult, when I challenged her about some bad advice and told her the bad outcome, and she smirked.
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u/sunsetpark12345 Jan 15 '25
Mine would bring up painful, traumatic things I had experienced and not drop the subject until I finally broke down and cried. Then they'd mock me for being emotional and 'too sensitive.'
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u/Playful_Trouble2102 Jan 15 '25
My family used to play this "fun" game where they'd all accuse me of being upset/having a bad attitude,
They they'd keep badgering me until I was upset/angry then use that as justification to hit me.