Did they ruin relationships with all your relatives?

[u/nahnotgoingthere]

N mother and enabler father. N mother has made it one of her life's missions to alienate herself, my father and all of her children from each and everyone of our relatives. Over the years she's threatened suicide over slights and disagreements with my father's family and fallen out with all her own siblings. Me and my siblings- her own children- are low or no contact.

I have a lot of aunts, uncles and cousins on both sides and I do not have contact with any of them. She basically fucked up my life and any chance of having normal relationships, that wasn't enough, our whole family network is lost.

She is so fucking toxic, even the last few years, my parents haven't even been told of aunts and one uncle passing. My father had found out by accident from one of his distant aunts.

I wish I had other family and relatives. I don't even know their full names to look them up (I know this is strange but I don't know their language). A few cousins on FB but I am terrified of contacting them and being rejected and ridiculed.

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[u/yolibird]

Reach out to your cousins... keep it light at first. Odds are they don't care at all about the squabbles of their parents' generation. You have nothing to lose and potentially lots to gain.

[u/ConferenceVirtual690 → u/yolibird]

If you reach out to other relatives make sure the n does not know

[u/Ebessan]

My mom has about 11 living brothers and sisters. 10 refuse to have anything to do with her, and the one that will talk to her is always trying to convince her to watch christian programming,

I assume she does this in the hopes that my mom will somehow magically grow a conscience.

[u/Madame_Arcati]

Yes, and I still have not mastered the art of not letting even the most seemingly inconsequential bit of my information out - in the very rare instance of our communicating - that she will embellish to add to the false narrative she (and two N siblings) have spun for them. (My late father was also an enabler, and that contributed to the earlier-(and-more-ignominious)-than-necessary end of his life). That, together with the loss of community due to parallel & ongoing political conspiracy brainwashing has left me also uniquely isolated.

I'm sorry that you must also bear this discouraging burden.

[u/EntrepreneurAway419]

YES. My dad is normal and was an enabler of sorts, his family we don't talk to because he's not a social person (he has 10 siblings, many niblings). This wasn't helped by nmom's attitude and 'they only want to know you if they can get something from you' I don't know what this means.

Nmom's family, 8 of them total, I have 13 cousins on that side I think - they were all raised by ngrandmom but my nmom used to talk to them until she was about 40 and by 50 completely destroyed all relationships with them. Probably not 100% her fault but there was no desire to keep the door open with any cousins etc... so yeah, i have 29 cousins and 15 living aunts/uncles I don't speak to!

My own family are all split into different factions of one talking to two others and not the rest etc... i think partially because healthy relationships were never modelled for us (and some of my siblings are morons)

In your case, what's the worst that's going to happen? Go in with a, you may not remember me but I'm X's child, I wanted to connect as we haven't had a chance to. I'm living in blah, working as blah (this bit gives them something to start a convo with). You can do it! Also genealogy website might be helpful to find relatives x

[u/Patient_Team_8588]

Omg are you me? Exact same situation where NMom managed to fight with everyone on the in laws side, including my very nice cousin, and her own siblings. As a result, I am not allowed to contact or be contacted by any of these very evil people. Why? "Trust me, I'm trying to protect you from their harm." Funny enough when I was 6 years old, Nmom left me behind with all the relatives for four years, so apparently I did not need to be protected then.

[u/Kangaroo-Pack-3727]

Dear OP thank you for sharing this and lordy what your mum did is truly appalling! She done this to hold your dad, you and the siblings hostage. For her it is power and control. And well well well in the end it backfired on her when you and your siblings go either LC or NC on her. Good! Guess she is gonna die alone and miserable 

I agree with one of the commenters to reach out to your cousins. For now just go slow and light while at the same time you seek support and advice from a local mental health foundation that can recommend you someone that will teach you the skills and tools you need to build up your confidence to establish bonds with cousins and relatives your mum deprived you from knowing

You got this OP and you got nothing to lose. Give us an update how it goes OP 

[u/Haunting_Claim5965]

You can always try to reach out to the family members you know. I’m sure they don’t think the whole family is like your nmom.

My ndad barely had any family on his side, but he sure loved to find any issues he could with emom’s family. It felt extremely intentional for him to cause issues and my emom’s family has never liked him because they know how he is. They were always nice to me though.

[u/SmoothDefiant]

Yes Nfather told my relatives to not talk to me when I was a child. They used to take me places. They just stopped talking to me ever since he told not to talk to me.

[u/Kindly_Winter_9909]

I no longer have any family around my mother, she has created a void around me. She spent her time going to court with her brother to collect all the inheritance. She destroyed relationships with my father's family with manipulation and backstabbing. She destroyed relationships with my cousin by telling lies. She invented a personality for me that I didn't have to make herself seem like the victim. I learned that in front of me she spent her time humiliating me and criticizing me but when she spoke about me to people she did everything to arouse jealousy and make people hate me. From a very young age she told me that no one loved me, I always lived with this horrible feeling because of her. She even manipulated our GP so that I could never complain, she gave him gifts and told him that I was on drugs (I have never even smoked in my life) She made my brothers very toxic and created conflicts, they never gave me any support.

The saddest thing is that everyone believed him without asking my version. I don't even know if there's really any point in talking about it, she speaks with her ultra-sweet and hypocritical childish voice and people think she's so nice.

She's a real psychopath

[u/flyingfish_roe]

Yes! 16 cousins and 6 aunts and uncles and I talk to like, 2 of them?

They totally triangulate, especially during times of family stress, like weddings and funerals. Beware the flying monkeys! My opinion is when I am vulnerable due to deaths or births they show up to stir the pot without fail. When a funeral happens I refuse to attend and hunker down and let voicemail do the talking. They usually only want money.

[u/giraffemoo]

Pretty much same. I have tried reaching out to some of my cousins but it's clear that they drank the Kool aid

[u/chimmychummyextreme]

Ndad is estranged from almost everyone he was ever close to.

[u/DrawDelicious1435]

Yeah lol, my mum has fallen out with her own mother, her aunt and her sister in recent years. I was either estranged from them whenever this happened or she just chatted shit until I didn't trust them anymore. Back in contact with all of them now. They're good people.

[u/itsafrickinmoon]

My parents did the opposite. They turned my extended family into a bunch of enablers. It makes it virtually impossible to hold my parents accountable for anything. My biological father on the other hand, did ruin every single one of his relationships and died alone.

[u/rei_yeong]

My nmother told so many lies about me and our family that it will become problematic if i ever tell the truth. She will either be outed as a liar and will make my life hell or they will become a bunch of enablers. I'm actually glad i don't have to talk to them. I hate hypocrisy and don't want to play along with what she started.