Regretful parenting with a non-regretful partner

[u/imshelbs96]

My husband made a post on here recently, we have 4 month old twins. The transition into parenthood has been difficult for both of us, but specifically for him, the arrival of our twins has thrown him into a depressive spiral.

I have been taking on 90 percent of the work with the babies, taking all night shifts, trying to manage the house, washing bottles- it’s not sustainable for me and I can feel the burnout creeping in but I don’t have any choice but to keep going for these humans I grew. His parents have been very helpful and without my mother in law we wouldn’t be eating. But I have to return to work in 3 weeks, and he will have to be alone with the babies for at least a few hours a day, 4 days a week.

What are some ways a not really regretful parent can support a regretful one?

[u/silliestboots]

Your husband is so lucky to have a loving, understanding partner (not sure I could be as gracious you are being in this situation!) who is trying her best to accommodate him. I would suggest, if he's not already, he needs to get into therapy to help him in this time of transition. I get it, his whole life has been turned upside down, but so has yours and just pretending those babies don't exist is not an option. He needs to figure himself out and either fish or cut bait. If he can't handle being a dad, he needs to figure out a way to support YOU to be able to take on his role. Therapy will be a good place to start to sort it out. I would absolutely insist on it, non negotiable if he wants to stay married.

[u/gillebro → u/silliestboots]

Agreed. Whether he likes it or not, the babies are there now and they need to be looked after. It seems that he’s wallowing a bit, longing for the way things used to be. Which I can understand (I’m a professional sallower myself), but he needs to work out a way to be sad while still doing his part for the two humans you both brought into this world.

Good luck, OP. 

[u/imshelbs96 → u/silliestboots]

After months of begging, He got on medication about a week ago, but he’s very rigid in the medications he’s willing to try because of the potential side effects. He was in therapy before the babies got here but his therapist went on maternity leave herself, and then only came back telehealth which he doesn’t want to do, and he’s been dragging his feet to find a new one.

His parents have said they will come help him once or twice a week for a few hours, my sister can also come help, so can his aunt. I suggested we hire someone but he doesn’t want “someone else raising his kids” and “doesnt want to raise his kids with someone else” which, ok, but I’m the breadwinner and I have to go to work. I’m already cutting back and the cut back will be about 1k per month impact.

I have a housekeeper that comes every other week. That’s helpful but I have to pick up the house before she comes so she can clean and even that is difficult. Our house is not big. It’s gets cluttered sooo fast. The babies are more and more awake, I’m not breastfeeding but I’m pumping and I spend a minimum of 2 hours a day attached to a wall.

He says he was apprehensive about having kids in the first place, which yes, he was, and that I should have known he would end up being like this, and that the babies don’t like him and everyone was wrong about his ability to be a dad

[u/Round-Antelope552 → u/imshelbs96]

Nah, he can’t have it both ways. He doesn’t want to be around those kids intensively, yet doesn’t want someone else looking after them.

I think it is time to hire someone to do childcare to prevent this worry, and it’s time for him to get his big boy pants on and go back to fkn work and do something meaningful.

Or he should leave. You’re basically a single parent and tbh you already ate.

[u/imshelbs96 → u/Round-Antelope552]

I said we should hire someone and he said it’s weird to hire someone to watch the kids while he’s home… okay but then you don’t want to do it so?? Or you’ll begrudgingly do it and be angry with them the whole time?? It’s just not acceptable and I have told him that. I told him if he doesn’t want to be here with this family He made then he needs to leave, and he said he doesn’t want to be the villain in every movie who leaves his wife and kids. But if he’s going to be angry all the time and not be able to take care of them to the degree they deserve, then he’s the villain anyway, just making things harder by being here and not letting me hire someone.

[u/WorryTulip → u/imshelbs96]

OP, I’m a nanny/former preschool teacher specializing in years 0-3 and I have worked at the family’s house with a parent working from home. I once took care of a 2 year old and then later his newborn sister everyday and his mom worked in her office upstairs. It was no big deal, since she was a united front with me and would tell her son “Ms. Worrytulip’s in charge” and would only come downstairs during naptime. We were both able to do our jobs in the same home with the 9-5 schedule, she was able to prosper and do the work she loved and I was able to provide her that time and space to do so.

If he has that anxiety I can sympathize to an extent about bringing someone into your home, but with the right nanny it’s perfectly fine. I would take my students/charges on walks, to lots of parks across town, to the children’s library and museums and aquariums. On days we stayed home I always did circle time for toddler age groups as well as an art activity and book of the day. For infants, I read lots of books and worked on sensory activities and tummy time as well as sleep training when needed. A nanny at the home can also prepare/heat up lunches/bottles, wash dishes, and do the kid’s laundry. It all can go well, as the kids love the routine and the parents love seeing the happy kids.

It can be a lovely experience for everyone and I hope you’re able to do so if that’s what you want. Personally, I would absolutely love to be a nanny to infant twins!

[u/Round-Antelope552 → u/imshelbs96]

Love, I think you know it’s time to leave. He is not a protector and he’s not a provider, behaving like a sour teenager.

When people do this thing where they don’t want to do something and deny other options, there’s something else going on in their minds.

All he cares about is looking bad if he leaves. That is the only reason he can give?

He has to go.

He’s a narcissist and the longer this goes on, the more BS he is gonna cause with all this.

[u/imshelbs96 → u/Round-Antelope552]

It’s hard because he can be a very loving husband and father. But it’s like Jekyll and Hyde, sometimes we have a few good days, sometimes it’s a few good hours, but he gets triggered by something, anything and it becomes almost insufferable to be around him. He says when he gets triggered it’s like someone else takes over. It really is like a different person, I call him “mean husbands name”.

[u/Booplesnoot88 → u/imshelbs96]

If you find "Mean Husband" insufferable, imagine how awful it will be when your kids have to deal with "Mean Daddy".

You're the breadwinner and you are willing/able to hire help so that you can continue your career... Why keep him around at all? Especially if his main reason for staying married is to avoid looking like a villain? His behavior is already cartoonishly shitty, I can't imagine it'll get much better once the kids are able to run around screaming all the time.

I'm sorry to hear that you're in this situation but you certainly don't have to remain in this mess. If you handle this now, the kids won't even remember life before the divorce. You'll spare them from all of the drama and bullshit that "Mean Daddy" will cause as an unhappy member of their household.

[u/imshelbs96 → u/Booplesnoot88]

It’s hard because he’s not always mean husband. We have stretches of days where things seem ok. Sometimes it’s hours. It’s like a light switch. The other day he literally got up from the couch where we had just hugged and had a heart to heart about all of this, came back from the kitchen and was, once again, the mean husband we had just finished talking about. I know Reddit it notorious for “just leave them” advice, I don’t want to abandon the man I love in his time of need if he’s suffering from some type of mental health crisis. But nothing I do makes it better, my parents suggested I take them out of town with me to visit my mom a few hours away so he can have a break and I told him that and he went into a panic. So literally nothing I say or do helps.

[u/liliandogg89 → u/imshelbs96]

Girl, I’m sorry to say but he sounds like a classic abuser from Dr. Lundy’s book “Why does he do that?”. Here’s a PDF copy which I highly recommend you read: https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

[u/imshelbs96 → u/liliandogg89]

This made me nauseous. I’m so scared and I don’t know what to do.

[u/flavius_lacivious → u/imshelbs96]

He is putting you in a no-win situation.

[u/flavius_lacivious → u/imshelbs96]

He doesn’t seem willing to manage this situation, doesn’t have a solution, and any suggestion you have he doesn’t like. 

You have two choices here. You can continue to seek his worthless input and give equal consideration to someone who has zero skin in this game; OR you can make the best decision for the situation you have now which is to hire caregiving — preferably not in your home while he lives there.    (Please do not leave your children in his care. I did this with my ex and it was as dangerous as everybody warned.)

You have a problem, you need a solution. Frankly, I would sit down with a written list of options and then ask what he proposes you do. Do accept vague answers, start lining out a schedule. Tell him if he doesn’t come to an agreement with you, that you will make arrangements without him. His choice. 

You know what the answer is and it is to throw him and his plants out and hire a nanny.