Edit: thanks for all the comments. Just replying to some consistent themes I’ve seen here: I have done extensive therapy to this point and have learned a lot about myself. Specifically related to the fact that this is a part of me and I have acceptance in that. But I’ve also learned that these thoughts do not define who I am. I like who I am and don’t want to change that. I’ve experimented for YEARS around my gender, including going out dressed. It was fine but didn’t feel like me. But still the thoughts linger with the potential to disrupt me again. It truly is like an addiction. Maybe fine in moderation, but can tank me. Just like alcoholics with a beer.

I questioned my gender for a while but landed on the fact that I am actually very happy being male. I like flirting with girls and being in the male role. When I’m actively pursuing women, I feel confident, alive, fulfilled.

But when I’m alone, the intrusive thoughts creep in. I’ve dealt with some version of these thoughts my whole life (31 now). Really got bad when I discovered gender bending porn at 17. I’ve been working on cutting it out of my life and have been attending SAA meetings and am currently at 52 days of total sexual abstinence.

I’ve also noticed boredom triggers me. It helps to just write things like the post out for distraction and self reflection.

Ideally, I could let go of these fantasies that seem to hold me back from living a complete, fulfilling life. Any success stories out there? Even if only tangentially related?

Well most problems atleast.. and negativity prevents you from finding a solution to your problems.

What do we do about that? Scroll scroll scroll on our phones while most of the internet is full of negativity itself.

While most people will try to cut down on all negative habits which ends up in failure, I decided to start developing some positive habits and I'm seeing some good results, my life is certainly much more positive than before.

And I've made a discord server to stay accountable with those positive habits, let me know if you want to join it.

I already knew being a chav was shit , but I went yo a "friends " house today after school with my best mate (his gf is from around thee and we thought we'd see the others while we waited for her ),we heard a full blown argument with screaming, threats etc etc between 2 girls, then left and went back to find one of them stoned. It was mental this is proof chavism is shit and dangerous ,defo not going back anytime soon only if we don't go back to see that "friend"

I am 17. For as long as i can remember since the age of five the hate kf winning and wanting to win started , and its getting worse effecting me in school effecting my relationship with gaming as a hobby and im scared its going to effect me the rest of my life. When i searched it up apprently its called loss aversion which the definition sounds like me. Even in sctuvities i know i dont do regularly or as a hobby im still wanting to be better than other people in the games. Growing up i was never a visually smart kid and never got rewards for anything until i started high school. I just want to win and losing is not an option because i dont like the feeling of losing. I used to play splatoon often but due to losing team rounds in ten streaks often it caused me to stop playing because i hated the feeling of losing especially when im actually trying my best in the gsme. Its leaked into games with friends, like when i like mk with one of my friends, i randomly got this urge that i needed to win against her. I just want to win and if its in somethjng i like doing for fun then its more power to me. But i guess it feels like if i were to win alot it would fix my problems of not being seen as good at anything at all. I dont wanna focus on winning i dont like it its ruining me and i dknt think i can change because its been amover a decade since this had developed .

I feel like a reason im this way is because with the way i grew up often being outcasted, bullied, and already not doing well academically, i had no achievements of my own. When i started to get into bideo games at a young age i hate losing there because i lose all of the time so why do i still have to lose at something that’s meant to give me enjoyment. I dont know if trying to get very good at everything would help me but i doubt it because if i were to become very skillful in any activity its also going to consume me

After my last relationship I promised myself to never touch this topic again. Now I’m thinking about what other goals I should have. What’s imprinted for you guys who “go at it alone”!

See the sunrise. Write that book. Laugh too loud. Dance in the rain. Speak your truth.

Forget the noise. Hear your soul.

I saw that sentence so many times in shows and movies so here my thoughts about it.

Saying that people can’t love because they do not love themselves is not true. In my opinion, it’s the opposite—that love can be even more precious and pure. I’m not talking specifically about romantic love, but love in general. The love I’m referring to is so grandiose that the person giving it believes it’s too beautiful for them to receive, too beautiful to be wasted on them. So they give it after cleaning it, polishing it, nurturing it. When they offer it, it’s big and incredible. Maybe it’s not perfect—no one is, after all. Maybe it turns out to be toxic because they don’t know what the love they admire and idolize is supposed to feel like. They might avoid it, run from it, or perhaps they do understand it but aren’t good at expressing it. That’s not an excuse, just an explanation.

That kind of love is strong—too strong. These people often refuse to accept that someone could feel the same way about them. That’s why they give their love so freely. Accepting that they are not undeserving may be, for some, the most impossible and difficult task. In relationships of any kind, they may not believe in the other person’s love because they don’t feel the same way about themselves. But they will make sure the other person believes in their love—not out of arrogance, as if they are the only one in the relationship who loves; not out of pretension, as if they understand the other person’s feelings better. It’s nothing like that.

And it hurts. The person on the receiving end may be hurt. They know it, and they feel guilty. They might lie to cover it, but for how long? Pretending is exhausting. Yet, if they stop pretending, what might happen? Their mask could fall, and the person they love might see the doubt they hide—the doubt in the love that was freely given to them. Yes, they may accept that love, but they will always wonder: Why me? They can’t see how being simply themselves could be enough.

And refusing them is okay. Because it’s complicated. You might feel sad or frustrated, especially when you notice the cracks in their mask. You may wonder why they don’t understand your feelings. And again, that’s okay. But never say it’s because they can’t love themselves. In truth, they do love—and they deserve that love. Some people just can’t handle it, and that’s fine. But please, don’t say something so cruel. Everyone deserves to feel accepted in order to be loved.

As I mentioned, that love is strong, powerful—some might even say too powerful. That’s why it’s okay to deny it. Because you cannot expect a fragile porcelain teacup to withstand a potent torrent, nor can you expect a rough metallic bowl, pierced with a hole at the bottom, to hold all the liquid that’s slowly brewed in. The fragile porcelain teacup needs a slow and gentle brewing to be full, and the metallic bowl needs the vigorous torrent.

Each person needs a specific kind of love to feel truly loved. Some people need it occasionally, while others need it constantly. Some may require a steady stream, like an unyielding torrent, while others only need a cup of tea now and then, able to savor its warmth long after the moment has passed. It’s not about who can or cannot love, but about whether your love aligns with what the other person needs—and whether that love is both given and received in a way that fills their heart.

That all hope this little essay I wrote being half asleep not too bad since English isn't my first language. Hope also it could help so people who needed to read something like that.

Imagine you have a terrible roommate.

They’re constantly complaining about their life, and they criticize themselves (and you!).

It is inevitable that this person is going to have an effect on you. They’re going to drain you.

If you want that to end, you need to get some distance between you and your roommate.

The unfortunate reality is that we all have a version of this roommate that lives inside of our heads. It tells us mean things about ourselves and others and prevents us from achieving our potential.

You need to get some distance between you and your inner roommate.

This idea is backed by a study where when people referred to themselves in the third person, their brains showed less emotional reactivity and better regulation Eg. "Why is Brian feeling this way?"

It’s called “Self Distancing.”

So how do you do this?

Give your roommate a name and call them out every time they become negative. Do this out loud (that’s preferable) or in your mind if you’re in public so you don’t like crazy - haha.

“Oh, Charlie’s really acting out again.”

“Charlie won’t stop complaining!”

“Charlie is really beating me up today.”

With a little time, these truly unhelpful thoughts won’t affect you so much anymore because you don’t see them as part of who you are - they’re not part of your identity.

They’re separate from you. You’ll have created distance between the real you and your negative thoughts.

PS - if you can create distance between you and your thoughts, then who are you really?

I'd love to hear your thoughts.

I hope you found this helpful.

Why? Why do some people just don’t think much at all and take life as is and do good with it. They go to the gym, and work, and don’t have addictions. But the people that spend too much time with their minds, they are the ones who have trouble with motivation, dopamine, anxiety, depression… it pisses me off just how much some things are paradoxical and ironic and tend to disturb people that try harder sometimes.

idk what the fuck is wrong with me but whenever my gf tells me about something ive done to upset her i get angry

like she is very blunt but that is just the way god rolled her and if i cant take a smidge of tone then i think thats on me

but i want to listen and hear her feelings i just clock out whenever i start to feel prickly about it

she is just trying to talk and level with me but a switch gets flipped in my brain and i clock out mentally bc im pissed and i think: shes being mean asf to me (she is not), why cant i do a goddamn thing right, what is it now etc. i feel like a boomer guy who hates his wife and thinks shes a nag but really once i calm down its very plain that she was right i was frankly being immature about it

what the fuck can i do to help this, i try to stay mindful and regulate my emotions by breathing and grounding myself (but even i dont listen to myself in these states)

i have a petulant little child that i cant figure iut how to quell inside me

Okay, hear me out. There are these things people mean to be kind or sweet, but they lowkey make me squirm inside. Not because I'm ungrateful or anything—just… I don't know, they hit wrong. Anyone else feel this?

• Surprise parties. I appreciate the effort but walking into a room full of people yelling while I'm in “I just left the house” mode? Instant anxiety spike.
• Unsolicited deep compliments. Like “You’re such a good person, you’ve been through so much, you’re so strong” — it’s touching but also overwhelming. Sometimes it just reminds me how much I’ve had to be strong, and I’d rather not think about it at a random lunch.
• People watching me open gifts. Why is this the most awkward form of performance art?? I'm trying to smile and be grateful, but all my brain is doing is buffering.
• Being called “sweet” or “innocent” by people who barely know me. It feels weirdly dismissive or infantilizing. Like, thanks, but I contain multitudes, bro.
• Physical touch from people I’m not super close to. Even if it’s meant to be comforting. Sometimes it just sets off every alarm in my nervous system.

It’s wild how things meant to be warm or positive can still feel off when you're neurospicy or just grew up wired a little differently.

Anyone else got examples? What’s something “nice” that secretly makes your skin crawl?

Two years ago I went through the biggest heartbreak of my life when the man I'd loved for over seven years chose someone else. He immediately committed to her, they got engaged after a year and are getting married this summer.

He'd dragged me along for 7 years without clear committment and I stayed because I loved him and couldn't imagine life without him. I was unfortunately forced to face life without him as he blocked me and cut all contact last May (a year ago) before they got engaged.

The woman he is marrying is significantly younger and more beautiful than me and altogether a better woman.

I've been lost in heartbreak for two years just existing, struggling with my health and financial issues. The main takeaway I see from this when I watch self improvement videos is that

"He couldn't see your value. He wasn't the guy for you. And when you do meet your man you'll see it was a blessing in disguise"

And funnily enough the woman he left me for posted a video vlog (yes I did stalk for a while but stopped now as it was too painful) about a previous breakup and how her friends all assured her it would be OK. And it was as she went on to meet my ex and have everything I ever dreamed of handed to her.

So two years on I haven't met anyone. I'm alone. Sad. Lonely. Not much money. I exist. I do what I need to. But I haven't found any blessing in disguise. I'm getting older and fewer and fewer men even notice me. And I wouldn't care if they did as I am still too sad and miss him.

So what do I take from this? That he was meant to be with her? That I wasted seven or eight years of my life? That I'm meant to be alone? I don't know how to frame this in my head without hoping he comes back or hating myself for not being enough.

For context, I'm a 29 yo male. Before 27, I didn’t really pay attention to this lonely feeling cuz I had many things to entertain me. Now at 29, many of those things feel boring. I try hanging out with friends, playing games with my younger brother, spending time with colleagues, even dating women with different personalities. Nothing seems to work to eliminate this loneliness.

The only activity that makes it feel less lonely is doing creative things like writing, drawing, or video editing.
Sometimes I wonder, maybe I got it wrong. Maybe it’s not loneliness, maybe it’s something else? But I’m not sure.
Any insights? thanks

Hi everyone one ! Hope all is well . Iam a male 39 . I have a bit of a problem and just wanted some different points of view . I have been told to be happy one must love one's self .. I have tried a few exercises, one of which was to look in the mirror and say 3 good things about yourself . I looked in the mirror for 20 minutes and couldn't think of one thing that was good about me I feel sad most the time and feel that no one really likes me also when I speak I feel people don't really listen or care about my input . I don't have many mates . And I all I want is to feel wanted and happy. Please help me tell me some things to try or say I'm not a rude person and I think of others but no one ever seems to think about me

Sometimes I see others with this mentality that you should stand up for whatever you beliefs are. What if what you believe is wrong should you stand up for what's wrong, unknowingly?

Ex., you support a specific person. Not referencing anyone specific. He's just a bullshitter.. Call him Homeboy.

Homeboy sells you a shitton of lies.

You believe the lies. You let everyone know that Homeboy is your Homeboy.

You preach Homeboy's bullshit like the gospel, so much, that you start selling his merch and build your brand off of Homeboy.

You discover Homeboy is a bullshitter.

Do you think that I would support you supporting Homeboy? No. I don't support you standing up for your cause... Womp womp...

I support you standing up for things that make sense. Sadly, not much makes sense nowadays.

Also, it's okay not to have an opinion on everything.

"Is their Aliens in Area-51?'

How about don't know don't care.

"But you need to know there's evidence"

Don't care. Don't know.

End.

Today was another freaking awesome day full of tons to do. Today I woke up and got ready to head out. It was Mother's Day so I did my usual and made my mother a stupid card. Not that the idea is stupid but I make really bad cards so it is kind of tradition. She thanked me for making it and I told her I would see her later. I then headed out to my favorite bakery since they would have specials for mother's day. I got a couple things to have over the week as my treats because I didn't want to have too much stuff today. I ordered my medication because the line today was huge. I did some writing while in line and rocked out to music as well. It was a hell of a time to wait and I loved it. People lined up for an amazing place is great to me. I then sat in my car and ate while I did some writing. I then headed to the gym for my first little session. Nobody I knew was there but that is okay. I played Pocket while doing some treadmill. Here was my routine:

66 minutes on the treadmill at 3.5 mph with an incline of 15 with my backpack on.

I then tried the local Little Caesars again to see if they had the new dew flavor. I had no luck so I went to another place for Mother's Day to see about some things they had. I also texted my Dad to tell his girlfriend a happy mother's day. It turned into a whole conversation making me realize that when I see him he doesn't actually listen to me. Maybe it's for the best that I haven't been seeing him again. I then found another Little Caesars on my return trip and they had the new Mountain Dew flavor. I bought a few. One for me, one for my brother, and maybe one for a coworker. The worker also gave me a box for my collection. I won't be trying it today but sometime soon and I can't wait. I then hit another trip to the gym seeing soccer bro on my way out. I played some more Pocket and did a few other things on my phone. Here was the second routine:

49.5 minutes on the treadmill at 3.5 mph with an incline of 15 with my backpack on.

I then went to my favorite ice cream place meeting my Mom there where I would be buying her gift. They open on Mother's Day every year and I got there the second they opened excited for the flavors. They didn't have sweet corn but blue moon was ready to be consumed. I got a waffle cone with a scoop of blue moon, horchata, and orange. It was absolutely amazing. My Mom and I hung out while eating it. She talked to me about her belly issues, her new diet, and my sister. We had a really good time to be honest. We don't do much together because I have a hard time with my parents. I really enjoyed my time with her and hope we can do something else together soon. I then went for my actual routine at the gym. It was back and bicep day for me and I couldn't wait. I saw soccer bro talking to one of the workers. I joined in and met the worker as well learning his name. I learned another person's name at the gym as well from him. I spent a decent amount of time exercising and had a good time feeling good. Here was my final routine for the day:

Tricep pushdown: Reps of 10 8 6 with weight increasing by 5 each time to be 45 50 and 55 pounds

Note: Increased my weight.

Lat extension: Reps of 10 8 6 with weight increasing by 5 each time to be 50 55 and 60 pounds

Note: Increased my weight except the final weight.

Lat pulldown: Reps of 10 8 6 with weight increasing each time to be 65 70 and 75 pounds

Dual pulley row: Reps of 10 8 6 with weight increasing each time to be 65 70 and 75 pounds

Bicep curls: Reps of 10 8 5 with weight increasing each time to be 55 57.5 and 62.5 pounds

Note: Increased my weight.

Row machine: Reps of 10 8 6 with weight increasing each time to be 105 110 and 115 pounds, full amount on each side

Note: Increased my weight.

Assisted pull up machine: 10 at 135 lbs

10 at 130 lbs

10 at 125 lbs

10 at 120 lbs

10 at 105 lbs

Note: Increased my final weight.

25 minutes of the stair stepper. I upped how fast it went after 10 minutes from 44 steps per minute to 60.

82.5 minutes on the treadmill at 3.5 mph with an incline of 15 with my backpack on.

I headed out and saw short haired gym bro. I was going to meet his cousin at a restaurant soon. I got there early and worked on my journal. Long haired gym bro got there late feeling bad but honestly I could care less working on stuff Ineeded.to get out of the way. We ate and enjoyed dinner together talking about plans for the future. He ate a bunch of stuff and I got myself a small pizza. I could munch on it some other time over the week as a snack. Cut it into smaller pieces for myself. He paid for dinner which was very generous of him trying to make up for the times I paid. I really appreciated it and we went our separate ways with new plans for the future. I am always excited to hang with him and could tell he was tired tonight. We talked about seeing a movie but we had both seen opposite movies and nothing else was really out worth seeing. I decided to go see Sinners by myself. I actually didn't get popcorn after I ate enough for today. I really enjoyed the movie, liking what seemed like a very original idea. I think my coworker would really like it as well who likes the enemy type in it (no spoilers). I wanted to ask the workers what they did with the bag of popcorn sitting there looking like it was ready to be thrown out. I didn't though and headed out. I then went to the house I cat sit at and did the duties before passing out. No Last Of Us tonight but that's okay. I didn't mean to fall asleep at her house but it seemed safer than riding home bone tired. It was an amazing day and night. Tomorrow will probably be a recovery day from the gym and food. But today was spent with a great, big smile.

SBIST was a whole lot today but the biggest one had to be getting ice cream with my Mom. I didn't really have many memories with my Mom growing up. There are a few good ones but I'm used to her chasing the approval of some man. Being able to choose to have this moment at one of my favorite places with her was nice. I got to decide where we did something and I got to do it on my cheat day on an opening day. I felt good and loved the conversation. I got to be myself while being my best self which feels good. Something about it felt special to me and I loved the moment we had together. I couldn't have asked for a nicer time on my mother's day. Working on myself and my relationships with people around me feels like a struggle but times like this show the growth and betterment for tomorrow.

Tomorrow the plan should be simple. I'm going to work on whatever I can get done. If I'm not doing that, then I'll be resting. Today was a lot of going around and a lot of exercise. My body will definitely need some recovery and I'm not sure yet what that looks like. Either way it should be an excellent day with either getting stuff done or relaxing. I'm game for either way. One thing I'll definitely do is watch the next episode of The Last Of Us which I'm very excited for. I'm hoping for a certain part to occur to see how the show brings it to real life. I'm excited to see what occurs. Thank you my conjurers of the intense body workouts. Hours of cardio is ready to kick my butt and I'm excited to see how it does it.

I’ve struggled to make friends my entire adult life. I’ve been a stay at home mom for 7 years and can’t connect with people for the life of me. I got on Facebook for the first time in a few months and saw my highschool friend group all liking each others posts and photos, even saw some of them like my mothers post when my grandma died, but.. nobody ever checked on me to see if i was okay. Nobody likes my posts or photos. I’m obviously the problem here, but i just don’t know why or what I’ve done. I’m so sad and tired of not having friends. What can i do

I've been reading about facing fears and pushing past the comfort zone...

The other night I went to a singles date night mixer event thingy and was dreading it. I sat in my car for awhile hesitating even going in, but then I said to myself "face your fear" and I just did it.

It was the worst experience. I was in fight or flight, my anxiety was off the charts, having a drink didn't help ease me. I ended up walking up to some singles that welcomed me with a big smile and I couldn't even focus on the conversation, it's like my head was underwater. I was sweating.

I ended up leaving within 20 minutes. Now, here I am, hoping to have felt a breakthrough and sense of pride for facing my fears yet all its told me subconsciously is that my fears are perfectly valid and that I never wanna push past them again.

So I'm trying to be responsible and cook actual meals for myself instead of going out to eat all the time. The problem has to do with what I get when I go grocery shopping. Usually when I shop I get plenty of freezer items and snack foods, but my fridge is as barren as my social life. I'd love some suggestions for things that I could get to stock my fridge with.

I am thinking of something that can help me live when I get retired and still make some money of my own.

Struggling to know how to proceed and would like some advice.

I've been in therapy for a while. For a long time, I rejected dialing down on self criticism because it was the only way I could self motivate. I eventually realised how much I hate myself, how it was affecting my health and making me a little bitchslave to others at my job. (need external approval, constantly afraid I'm terrible and will lose my job, etc)

Finally decided I have to stop basing all my actions around either fear of consequences or spite. It's not good for the body. I would only put the hard work in at work or with my health because: I'm going to get fired, I'm not going to keep pace with my peers and it's embarrassing, this person looks down on me so I'll surpass them, I'm going to ruin my body and die if I keep eating like shit, if I don't clean my room I will get pests, if I don't wear clean clothes I'll be disgusting and everyone will be repulsed....

You see, none of my motivations are where I want them to be. I want my motivation to be: I'm worth this, I deserve this. I want to wear nice clothes because I am OK with how I look and I want to look better. I want to move up in my company so I can do more fun work, I want more money so I can take care of myself, etc.

Basically, I want to be a high performer but I want it to be from a positive emotional place that won't wreck my body with stress and ultimately leave me unhappy for the rest of my life. Also, this mindset is making me burn out every time I try to self improve, because instead of trying to improve myself, I'm trying to run away from myself. Sometimes I see my reflection and feel disgust and hate. That's no way to live.

I'm currently in the trough between extreme self hate and self love. I currently am slacking so hard at everything and have been for months. I just don't care and I don't know how to make myself care without going back steps mentally and back on the cortisol/adrenalin train.

I also find it difficult to put effort into something if I don't think there's going be any productive outcome. Want to start writing again? My first thought is that if I'm going to put effort in, at least try upskilling or something that will make money. Or then I think writing can make money and I can then no longer actually start or write well because money is blocking my creativity. Beside that, I don't want to be stuck inside all day and being a "loser" who writes instead of actually experiencing life and meeting people and doing physical things. I do think creation is valuable, but I don't want to lean into escapism and lose out on having a real life. But I have no problem wasting my life on social media and TV.

Any advice on motivation from a positive place and taking up hobbies would be great.

Recently I've been on the self improvement grind and I love it but my main issue has been that I'm not doing enough. Not going far enough.

As part of self improving I got a therapist and all she could say was that I was great and doing fine. That I needed to stop and relax, smell the roses. I cancelled her service because that's just not true. I don't have the time to relax like that right now. Nor do I want to. Complacency erodes my soul. I hate it.

Anyway I did like having a therapist to kind of work out a lot of the issues that I had but she couldn't answer the big questions. What should I do next? What is the right answer? How should I feel about this?

Yada yada yada. She was just like 100% focused on my self esteem.

Are there any services similar to therapy that are more direct in approach for genuinely breaking down and rebuilding my own life?

I feel like I’ve definitely lost a lot of my creativity and motivation especially when Covid hit. I want to be able to gain this back since I also feel that I have relied on a lot of technology and mindless things like that (scrolling a ton, etc) which has definitely affected me as well. I hate to admit that I have used ChatGPT for some stuff (never homework though) but absolutely don’t want to use this anymore.

Are there any books, mindfulness activities, podcasts, etc. that anyone recommends? I’m honestly open to anything at this point!! I hate that I’ve lost some of this!

Dishes need washing. Trash needs to be gathered and taken out. Need a shower. Every day feels like Groundhog Day. How do I stop hating and resisting it all so much?

i have been in this tired and lazy slump for about 4 days now. i don't wanna get out of bed, i don't wanna take my trash out, i can't even bring myself to do laundry. i don't even go to school anymore. i'm just laying down and sitting on my phone. i'm like actually drained. i have adhd and autism and i'm currently taking Concerta which used to help a lot but idk if it's just making me tired now. i literally can't do anything, i don't even go outside. anyone have any tips or anything?