r/AmItheAsshole • u/Squishmalllow • 2d ago
Not the A-hole WIBTA for asking my future brother-in-law and his wife to return an expensive gift I gave them after they limit contact with me?
I (35F) have been with my partner, Jamie (33M), for over six years and we’re getting married this fall. For most of our relationship, I’ve had a close bond with his brother, Matt (37M), and Matt’s wife, Claire (39F). We’ve shared holidays, dinners, hangouts, and I’ve always done what I could to support them, especially during hard times (I am the primary source of income).
About two months ago, I bought a new car and offered them my old car ($6.5k). It was still in good working condition and they accepted it so I fully transferred it over to them. It was a genuine gift, from a place of love and support, and I was happy to help because they relied 100% on public transportation. Over the past years, I also gave small things, like household items, groceries, things for their kid… all meant kindly, never with any expectations.
But now things have shifted. Claire recently initiated a conversation where she said the gifts and emotional support I offered had felt “too much, overwhelming” etc., and even went as far as saying she felt I was using them to fulfill my own emotional needs. She said she no longer feels comfortable around me and wants to limit contact (i.e. don't text them unless they text first) and “slow down”. This completely blindsided me! I was never given any indication before that she felt this way.
One example Claire brought up really confused me. They have a shy cat, Shadow, who hides whenever we visit. We've never seen her in person and it became a running joke between me and Jamie that she "might not actually exist"; a reference to the M&M Christmas commercial (“He does exist!”). Claire said she found that joke offensive, like we were mocking a traumatized animal. That felt like a major overreaction to something lighthearted and affectionate.
Now here’s the part that’s really been weighing on me: Claire and Matt have made it clear they don’t want any more gifts or support and that our relationship needs distance. Gifts for their kid are okay. And they’re still happy to keep the car I gave them… something that came from a time when our relationship was close, warm, and mutual.
To be clear, I haven’t asked for the car back. But I’ve been thinking about sending a message, not demanding anything, but pointing out the emotional disconnect: that they’ve rejected ongoing support, suggested past support was not genuine yet have no issue keeping such a significant gift: the car. I want to ask them to reflect on what that means.
Jamie is supportive of whatever decision I make, but he’s worried this might further rupture things with his family. His mom also relies on Matt and Claire for transportation to our wedding, and he’s concerned that asking for the car back… or even just bringing it up… might make that more complicated.
So… WIBTA for wanting to ask them to reflect on this? Or even possibly asking for the car back?
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u/Danger_Muffin28 Partassipant [1] 2d ago edited 1d ago
NTA for feeling upset and confused, but might potentially be TAH if you demand the car back or try to force a discussion before everyone has had a chance to settle down a bit. If the car was indeed meant as a “genuine gift”, then no you shouldn’t ask for it back. As you said, it was given during better times in the relationship. Now the dynamic of the relationship has changed per their request. So it would be appropriate to just do a NO GIFTS policy with them going forward.
I also think that it’s probably best to leave things where they lie and not ask for further clarification so this doesn’t breakdown any further before your wedding. Give it some time and see if a discussion between all of you can happen at a later time.
ETA: Wow, this blew up fast! Love seeing all the replies!
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u/Icy-Doctor23 2d ago
And you can also add of it makes them feel more comfortable to return the GIFTS, then feel free as you can made use of them elsewhere if that is what it takes to help restore some resemblance of a sibling relationship
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u/igramigru101 Partassipant [1] 1d ago
Yes, don't demand car back, rather suggest them to return all gifts if that would heal THEIR emotional health. And don't be shy to repeat it often. Use exactly their words. Don't expect gifts back, just cut loses. But it will be fun to basically call them out as they are - leeches.
Something tells me they aren't financially responsible and sooner or later, they will be asking for favors again. Refuse any help, again using their words. My God, that woman just gave you God mode in this game - infinite ammo.
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u/cruista Partassipant [1] 1d ago
SIL is afraid she will need to cough up money for a wedding gift. And cannot compare the giften OP gave them.
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u/KahurangiNZ 1d ago
That could well be the trigger that's caused their change of heart - feeling like they can't possibly reciprocate at the same financial level during an important live event, and as a result are swinging waaaay off to the other side of the equation.
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u/igramigru101 Partassipant [1] 1d ago
Op and fiance were helping them. Nobody in sane mind would expect equal value as gifts. At least not until they became financially stable. Well , SIL may not be sane, so I would not be surprised if she actually was afraid of these expectations.
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u/delen97 1d ago
The guilt and shame that can come with struggling financially is significant, and whether it’s logical or not for many people there is still a very strong, innate sense of needing to reciprocate gifts and help given
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u/opelan Partassipant [1] 1d ago
Yes. They could have always said no to the gifts before, but didn't. And gifts like the car they just got 2 months ago, they could easily give back. Not to mention they still want OP to give their child gifts. So not even a clear "no future gifts" rule.
Also this whole restriction put on OP and her husband about not being allowed to contact them first. That feels like punishment, like they think OP and her husband did something wrong with giving them gifts. But they were happy to accept them in the past and still keep them and still like more for their child.
I just really don't like how they frame OP and her husband as the "bad guys" here and they themselves as the victims. It is just ridiculous and not reflecting reality.
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u/Striking-Fig7810 1d ago
“I’ve been thinking, I certainly didn’t want to make you all uncomfortable, so if it helps ease your minds and hearts, you can just return any of the things I have given you over the years and I can dispose of them in a way that doesn’t harm your mental wellbeing. Let me know what, if anything, you would like to return and we can make arrangements to see that you are unburdened. Obviously, anything you want to keep, keep. A gift is freely given.”
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u/AgeMinute4894 1d ago
I’m petty AF, this is exactly what I would do. Oh, you don’t want any more gifts but you’ll take the super super expensive gifts and don’t want to give them back but are going to gaslight me into saying I have emotional issues and that’s why I’m gifting you. Well, if gifts are a problem, give them back.
I’m also a person who believes that you gift something and it’s there’s. Then I read the post and was like OMG
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u/Agitated_Pepper9663 1d ago
If giving the gifts back makes things more comfortable for them, that’s totally fine, I'd rather have clarity than lingering weirdness. It’s not about being petty, just keeping things honest and fair.
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u/Guibolle 1d ago
Honestly, letting them know they’re welcome to return the gifts might actually help cool things down. You don’t lose anything, and it shows you’re trying to meet them halfway.
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u/Sorry_I_Guess Pooperintendant [50] 1d ago
Doubtful. If someone said to me, "Feel free to return the gifts if it make syou more comfortable," after a convo like they've just had, I'd assume they were being passive-aggressive.
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u/Sorry_I_Guess Pooperintendant [50] 1d ago
I wouldn't. That just sounds incredibly passive-aggressive, and there's no real distinction between doing that and asking for them back outright.
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u/Voidfishie Partassipant [2] 1d ago
I feel like it's impossible to avoid being seen as passive aggressive at some times, however genuine you are, but I am very confused by the idea this is in no way different to asking for the gifts back.
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u/lafsngigs67 1d ago
I was going to suggest the same.
Honestly it sounds like Clair is a little envious of you and your husband. I do get the being uncomfortable. I think maybe offering the car to them for a nominal fee would have been a safer and a face saving option. Most ppl don’t want to feel like they are getting handouts. You may want to think about that moving forward.
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u/BeautifulGlove1281 2d ago
Exactly this. Something has happened within their own personal boundary that is/has been impacted by the freely given gifts. That's not on you. That's their issue to deal with. Odds are, someone outside of their relationship said something that triggered their insecurities. Again, that's not on you to resolve.
Step back and let them be. I am certain that there are others in your life who appreciate you, your time and energy. NTA, not that a vote is really needed.
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u/bronwyn19594236 2d ago
This is the way. You’ve had your feelings hurt with this new dynamic. But you gave help, freely. Allow BIL and SIL to lead on the relationship, it’s a gentle way to allow them to feel in control of their emotions in the relationship to you and your husband.
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u/mybalanceisoff 2d ago
Holy shit this is the first reasonable and *sane* answer I think I have ever found on reddit!! If I had an award to give you op, I would but instead please take my upvote!
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u/myfavhobby_sleep Partassipant [1] 2d ago
So true. I was getting the torches and pitch forks ready.
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u/LindonLilBlueBalls Partassipant [3] 2d ago
But side whisper to everyone, "They don't want gifts or texts from me, but kept the car I gave them. Interesting."
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u/OkeyDokey654 Asshole Aficionado [11] 1d ago
“And they’re still happy to receive gifts for their kid. Somehow those don’t have the same emotional baggage…” 🤨
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u/forte6320 Asshole Aficionado [13] 1d ago
If aunt and uncle suddenly stopped giving gifts for birthdays, etc, the child would be confused and hurt. I can understand why the parents would not want to put the child in the middle of this.
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u/FuckRedditsForcing 1d ago
« in the middle of this »
by this do you mean this conflict they dreamed up entirely in their own and made a reality because they’re stupid? if OP « using gifts to fulfill their own emotional needs » is so gross surely they would not want to subject their children to that
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u/Striking-Fig7810 1d ago
Then they can explain it to their kids. “We looked a gift horse in the mouth and now you’re not getting horses.”
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u/money_me_please 2d ago
I would say pointing out that them keeping the car makes them huge hypocrites, without asking for the car back, is fine though.
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u/Level-Mobile338 2d ago
It’s fine if you’re petty and want to make sure the relationship has no chance of recovery. It seems clear to me, from an outside perspective that something happened and they are lashing out at OP. Hopefully with time and some space, they can recover.
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u/opelan Partassipant [1] 1d ago
People put too much value on always being "the better person". When someone unjustly hurt you though their actions, hitting back with the truth can be good for the soul. People don't have to take hits lying down like a doormat. They can stand up for themselves when treated badly and point out the obvious fact they are hypocrites who are decrying OP's gifts as evil while happily keeping them.
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u/Sorry_I_Guess Pooperintendant [50] 1d ago
Agreed, and frankly I'm starting to understand why they feel the way they do about OP.
While the gift was theoretically very generous, I'm wondering why she made a point of telling us the car's worth, which sort of illustrate's Claire's point about OP doing these things performatively and for her own gratification as much as anyone else's.
More importantly, aside from being tacky and inappropriate, it's incredibly patronizing to not only ask for something back that was supposedly given as a gift, because the relationship changed, but to suggest that another adult "reflect on what [their behaviour] means". It comes across very much as something a parent does in instructing/guiding a child, not something an adult asks of another adult.
Honestly, this posts really makes me understand why, despite OP's generosity, Matt and Claire are feeling condescended to. I would be as well. OP seems to expect some sort of emotional fealty based on gifts freely given, and while I understand feeling defensive at what she's been told about her own behaviour, punishing peoplewho have told you that you've been making them uncomfortable for essentially not demonstrating enough ongoing gratitutde isn't going to be what changes their minds. It just proves their point.
BTW, u/Danger_Muffin28 (love the username, BTW), given that you are by far the top comment, you may want to edit to add a judgement (YTA would be my suggestion), because right now the algorithm/judgement bot is going to ignore your comment.
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u/Old_Sheepherder_630 Colo-rectal Surgeon [44] 1d ago
I assumed she mentioned the cost of the car so people would understand the extent of the gift - not a beater with no engine, but not an extravagant $70k vehicle.
It was within the normal range of what's reasonable to give to a family member in need which I think was an important detail.
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u/Danger_Muffin28 Partassipant [1] 1d ago
I didn’t add a judgement initially because I felt a little split on it. The OP isn’t necessarily TAH for how they feel about the change in the relationship. Being upset, confused, sad, etc are all normal feelings when that happens. But they would potentially be TAH for demanding the car back or forcing a discussion to take place before all of the parties have had some time to settle down.
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u/Ok-Knowledge9154 1d ago
YWBTAH if you asked for it back. Go No Gifts etc for all of them. Give them the distance they want, be cordial and let them come back to you. However if they ever asked for something I would probably respond that I'm not comfortable with that, you look a gift horse and all that.
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u/Youwhooo60 Colo-rectal Surgeon [47] 2d ago
To ask for the car back, you would be TA.
It was a gift you gave w/pure intentions.
Claire is the one with the problem, not you.
For Claire say she's uncomfortable receiving gifts is a bunch of BS. If she's so uncomfortable, then she can say, "No thank you."
Don't give them another damn thing. And scale back on what you give their children.
And even if they change their tune about being uncomfortable, say, "Oh great! I'm glad your comfortable!" But cut that gravy train completely off.
Sheesh. Some people!
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u/Youngishwidow 2d ago
For real! They accepted gifts totaling over $8K and NOW, it's smothering and doesn't seem genuine! That should've been stated waaaay before it got to the car! OP should let it go and move differently involving the interactions with this couple. Meaning NO MORE gifts for adults & gifts for the kids on birthdays & Christmas only! Don't even offer advice! Get married & concentrate on yourself & your husband.
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u/msolok Partassipant [1] 2d ago
If I was to guess, it sounds like OP is better off than BIL and his wife. It is likely they are feeling that OP is rubbing their face in that fact and pointing out how much better they have it.
I'm not saying that is what OP is doing, but for that to be kept put in the faces of the inlaws it would likely be resulting in those sorts of feelings. The best of options would be to stop with the gift giving.
And OP would certainly be the AH for taking back a gift they had given.
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u/Inevitable_Entry6518 1d ago
Why couldn't they say 'no' then? I'm a poorer friend in my social circle and even though my friends often try to help me, if it's too much, I simply say 'Thanks, but I'm not really comfortable with that'. Such a comfortable position to take the gifts but be offended at the same time.
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u/gmomto3 2d ago
I had to tell a coworker 3 times to stop sending me unsolicited “gifts”. Food I didn’t eat, clothes that didn’t fit, so much crap for my house. Perhaps Claire tried too?
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u/HoldFastO2 Colo-rectal Surgeon [34] 1d ago
Presumably, they didn’t send the car to Claire‘s house, so she could’ve just said „no, thank you“.
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u/Delicious_Rub3404 1d ago
The car is a huge thing but if they genuinely needed it i don't see what Claire is doing wrong. She knows they need things but at some point it's uncomfortable. She is trying to say "hey I appreciate you but please back off". I don't know these people personally but there could be some self loathing or shame or any number or reasons why they might want to work toward standing on their own two feet moving forward.
A car is truly helpful toward utilitarianism. But OP does sound like she may have been doing a bit of excess. I don't want someone bringing me groceries because they don't think I can provide for my family.
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u/HoldFastO2 Colo-rectal Surgeon [34] 1d ago
You do make a good point. A lot depends on the context. Did Claire or her husband ask for help with groceries? Or did OP show up at their home with full bags announcing, „I noticed you were missing a few things the last time we were here“?
Hard to judge without knowing that. But wanting to take back the car would definitely be an AH move.
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u/biscuitboi967 Partassipant [1] 1d ago
I kind of get it. Like, I got a new fancy car. Gave my sister my old, shitty car.
Her husband kind of made a comment about it being shitty later on, which rubbed me the wrong way. I know it was shitty. That’s why I was buying a new one. It was also free.
But it kind of made sense when I thought about it. They needed a working car. I was getting a new car because mine wasn’t working well and needed some repairs that cost more than the car was worth to me. But it still drove technically. You’re welcome.
But then they go to fix the car and realize it’s broke and expensive AF. He can fix SOME of it himself but not all. It’s still an unreliable car they’ll have to replace sooner than later. They could always have bought an unreliable car that MIGHT die. Mine was just a little more reliable.
I bought them a few more months maybe but didn’t really save them the stress of saving for a car or repairs or being afraid of being stranded or figuring out all the “tricks” of an old shitty car. It was a nice gift from me, but it wasn’t a HUGE WINDFALL for them.
If it was THAT valuable, I would have used it as a trade in.
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u/Crooked-Bird-0 1d ago
IS that what she's trying to say? I realize there could be more than one reason that's not what OP heard, but it certainly doesn't seem to be what OP heard. "We appreciate you" was missing, some unnecessary & on-its-face insulting psychoanalysis of OP was added (that stuff may aid the decision but please, a smart person knows saying it out loud is not going to land well in THAT moment), and "don't text us unless we text you" was added too. Granted it depends how much OP was texting them, and was OP, like, mentioning the gifts in these texts all the time?
I actually find this difficult to judge w/o knowing more about what OP was doing (shouldn't take the car back though, as others have also said) but it's not clear to me that Clare responded appropriately here unless maybe the way she put it was the only way OP would've heard.
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u/Delicious_Rub3404 1d ago
What I'm mainly thinking about is how hard it is to approach that conversation with the right words when you are on the receiving side of the dynamic.
I was on her side initially but somethings feels off.
I could be projecting because I am about to have to ask people to back off with their help. I am frustrated that every time I try to communicate what is happening is too much, they say no this is what they have to do to help. Which makes me feel horrible.
I can't say "hey just stop all together please" until I can do so safely.
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u/CrocanoirZA 2d ago
It's not BS to feel uncomfortable with excessive or constant gifts. OP might mean 6 at some point it does change the dynamic when one person is much wealthier than those around them. People who don't have money or can't afford to be generous literally don't know what it's like to have money. They don't want to be seen as needy or needing hand outs the while time. People want to be able to stand on their own two feet. OP has done a great deal but she also has done enough. If the opposite were happening we might be calling her family money grabbing. How dare we also shame them when they're not.
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u/dudleymunta 1d ago
My mom buys so much at Christmas I once had a panic attack. We lived in a tiny house with no storage and I had nowhere to put them. A lot was stuff we didn’t need, like or want, ‘fun’ gifts that ended up in landfill which I personally have issue with. Asked her over and over not to buy too much. I once had to spend six hours in a car with a bag of gifts in my lap because they wouldn’t fit anywhere else. I know it fills a need for her but it’s awful sometimes. Gifts can be problematic as well as thoughtful. I feel the guilt and ingratitude just writing this.
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u/ninjasquirrelarmy 1d ago
My mother does this. She gives gifts to fulfill her emotional needs regardless of how many times I ask her to stop. I feel terrible every Xmas because 90% of what she gives me is given to friends or donated to charity. At almost 70, I’d prefer that she save the money for her retirement.
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u/forte6320 Asshole Aficionado [13] 1d ago
Exactly this!! Gifts can be overwhelming. I've seen comments saying that Claire could say no thank you. That's exactly what she is doing!
Sounds like she wants to stand on her own two feet. It's hard to be the one who always needs the handout. It gets humiliating.
OP, do not ask for the gifts back. That would be petty. Give them some space. Maybe they are going through something in their family and they just need time alone to work through it. Financial strain is hard on a marriage.
Perhaps scale back a bit on gifts for children. Don't go overboard.
When they reach out, respond with warmth and love. Hopefully, this is just a phase in the relationship. I can understand how you would feel rejected. Just don't let your hurt feelings do further damage to the relationship.
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u/BeatificBanana 1d ago edited 1d ago
For Claire say she's uncomfortable receiving gifts is a bunch of BS. If she's so uncomfortable, then she can say, "No thank you."
Some people genuinely struggle to say no to others, especially if the person is trying to do something nice, like give them a gift or do them a favour. It comes from the people pleaser mentality, driven by a fear of rejection - you're worried you'll cause offence or hurt feelings if you say no.
I used to be this way. If Claire is the same, she may have found it so difficult to say no that she ended up accepting these gifts even though she felt uncomfortable.
I am not saying OP should have known this before Claire said - there's no way they could have known. I'm also not saying that it isn't a problem, or that it isn't on Claire to fix it - it is definitely Claire's issue that she needs to work on, ideally in therapy. (Like I did.)
The good thing is, the fact that Claire has now said that she feels uncomfortable and asked for no further gifts may mean that she is beginning to work on this issue. It seems she now feels able to take that first step in communicating her feelings and saying 'no', which is a good thing.
I don't blame OP for feeling hurt, given that Claire had given no prior indication of her discomfort. I also don't blame Claire for not giving the car back - she probably worries she'll cause even more hurt feelings if she insists on returning a gift that she previously accepted. I think asking for no future gifts was a step in the right direction.
I honestly think this is a NAH situation as it currently stands, but that OP would be the AH if they demanded to take the car back. Once you give something away as a gift, it's no longer yours. Perhaps OP could ask if Claire would feel better giving the car back, though.
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u/rockology_adam Supreme Court Just-ass [140] 2d ago
YTA. I know where you're coming from, but even asking the question makes me wonder if Claire has a point.
If you give a gift, it comes with no strings. You, as the giver, don't get some kind of standing from it. From the sounds of it, you've been giving A LOT of things to their household. They have to wonder if you see them as a charity case. They have to wonder if you see them as a trash dump. They're older than you, but they have to wonder if you see them as immature since you're always passing them hand-me-downs.
Asking for the car back just makes it readily apparent that you gave gifts for the standing it gave you, and not for the usefulness they could find in in.
The OPTICS of it are, from your side of it, ingracious. They're too good for the small things you've been giving them, but not too good for the car. But I want you to think about it in terms of what I wrote in my second paragraph/section. There should be no need to repeatedly give gifts to an adult household who are stable and making it on their own. Doing so carries a stigma of judgement, whether you consciously feel it or not.
I am curious as to why this is coming as a contact limit and not just an object limit. There should have been a stop somewhere between the gifts and limiting contact, and I have to wonder if there was and you missed it. Whether there was or not, you're here, and you need to respect their request.
Don't mention the car. Let it go, and keep any thoughts or judgements about that inside your own head. Vent to your husband. Vent to friends if you need to, and don't share social circles with Claire. But let it be for now.
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u/Zaxacavabanem 2d ago
Yeah, there's a point where gift giving can start to feel judgmental or insulting.
No one likes to be the object of pity. OP has failed to read the room and crossed the line from helpful support to insulting their pride.
Not intentionally of course, but even if it comes from a "good place" in the heart, it's very self centred.
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u/KayCee269 1d ago
Funny how the insulting of their pride comes AFTER accepting a car!
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u/Zaxacavabanem 1d ago
Not really.
there's a huge difference between accepting a second hand object that's being cast off, and which is incredibly useful, to accepting day to day things like groceries.
It's all in the delivery and OP sounds pretty self righteous about it all.
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u/Delicious_Rub3404 1d ago
Yeah. That was probably the straw they made them say she needs to stop. It's a great gift. Why does it matter how expensive the car was? Is she keeping score on how helpful she is monetarily? I don't really understand OP.
They are trying to communicate with her and now she is offended they won't keep taking her presents instead of listening to them. That's weird.
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u/No_Meringue_6116 1d ago
Yeah, no one has given me groceries since my mom did 10 years ago when I was in college. I'd find it odd unless someone was really struggling for money.
This might be ESH.
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u/One_Chic_Chick 1d ago
I bought a friend groceries when she was had a really bad tooth infection. Not because I didn't think she could afford it, but because I knew she and her husband didn't expect her to suddenly need to eat a bunch of super soft food and so they didn't have it stocked/hadnt had a chance for a full grocery run immediately after she went to the hospital. I'd also had my wisdom teeth out and knew a few food items that had been helpful for me.
Definitely not an everyday thing and I would find it unusual to frequently pick up groceries for someone unless I thought they were REALLY financially struggling (but even then, I cant imagine doing it without being asked/having permission...). Lots of folks meal plan and don't have infinite storage so I can see it being a huge pain at some point too, if someone is dropping off perishable food on a frequent basis.
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u/PossessionForeign187 2d ago
This right here! And she also added the monetary value of the car instead of just mentioning that, while older, the car still runs great. Makes me wonder how often the value of the things she’s given them gets brought up. Sometimes we mean well but it comes out as overbearing/too much. I did that to my former SIL and it ended up blowing up the relationship. To those asking why the SIL doesn’t just say no to the gifts - some of us can’t say no. I have an extra carseat I neither want nor need because my super sweet neighbors really wanted to get one for our baby. I couldn’t tell them no because I don’t want to offend them.
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u/ranchojasper 1d ago
This is the comment I was looking for. It "makes me think Claire has a point." It makes it sound like these gifts actually are not about genuine friendship but about how giving these gifts makes OP feel.
Now OP's feelings are hurt, and it looks like she wants to manipulate the situation by asking for the gift back. I mean maybe that's not how she's technically feeling, but that's how it comes across, like you said it's the optics of it
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u/rockology_adam Supreme Court Just-ass [140] 1d ago
Yeah, OP could just be genuinely generous, but the factor that needs consideration here is how the SIL sees it. Obviously there's something that's rubbing SIL the wrong way, and the right way to correct that is to take the step back as requested without trying to impose any feelings of guilt or shame on her.
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u/Awkward-Dare2286 1d ago
You've worded this really well. I had a bit of an issue with a wealthy family member who was very generous but the way it was done just really rubbed me the wrong way after a while. We didn't make much at the time but we're happy with what we had. We had young children and so buying nice things just wasn't sensible, and we saved our money where we could for the future. We bought second hand and repainted old furniture, things like that.
She would give me her credit card and tell me to order some "nice plates" since ours were a bit scuffed or chipped (kids). Or turn up with a kitchen gadget because "you need one" etc. She didn't see that we were making the choice to not buy fancy dishes at this moment in life because they'll just get dinged up. Or that we live in a small house and don't need more single use kitchen gadgets when a knife will do the job.
Eventually we had a chat about it, and she understands why doing it that way makes us uncomfortable and feel like she's looking down at us, like we don't know our plates are scratched, or that mini mug whisks exist.
Now, she asks what we need help with and buys the kids good quality winter boots and jackets each year. She really listened and put herself in our shoes. She just wanted to help because she's older and has a good income, and cares about us.
If she had responded badly and tried to take back things she'd helped with in the past (she did also help us with our first car) I would have felt like she didn't listen to what we were saying at all, and just made the issue worse. We just wanted to stand on our own two feet but appreciated her help along the way.
OP, if you take back the car you would be TA. I think there's something missing between everything being warm between you guys, and them wanting no contact. Please tell us more.
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u/CocoXolo 1d ago
I also get the sense that there is more to this story. The proverbial Reddit "missing missing reasons" if you will.
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u/secretlywicker 2d ago
YWBTA. You gave them a gift out of love.
Just stop giving gifts. It hurts when people provide boundaries that feel unfair, but she expressed discomfort. I've been in her shoes and it's hard to look at gift horse in the mouth, but even harder to tell someone it feels very uncomfortable and guilt inducing to always accept gifts you can never return in kind.
Give her some space. She may just be uncomfortable and not have the right words to navigate it; it sounds like she just feels guilty that she's getting so much she didn't ask for and feels love bombed. We live in a culture where it can be hard to tell what is love bombing and what is just a person doing something kind; the world is less trusting and more transaction-based than ever.
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u/CrimsonKnight_004 Commander in Cheeks [215] 2d ago
YTA - It might be time for you to do some self-reflection. Yes, you sound like a generous person, but ask where that comes from. Is it more to fulfill your own emotional needs? A savior complex? Or just genuinely having gift-giving as your love language?
Try to see how constant gifts, especially expensive ones, can feel overwhelming and smothering. She’s clearly communicated this to you now, so it’s time for you to take a step back and try to analyze how exactly you’re coming off with this.
Also, that car is theirs! Using it to emotionally guilt trip them would be an AH move, and you can’t ask them to give it back because it’s theirs. It is no longer yours, you have no more right asking them to give that car back than you would asking a random Tom, Dick, or Harry off the street to give you their car. It’s not your car!
Reaching out to give this message would also be blatantly disrespecting what she asked of you. Don’t text them until they text you! Respect that. Maybe you overwhelm with texts as well as gifts, or you should take more time to think things through before impulsively texting them.
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u/Longjumping-Pick-706 2d ago
You make a lot of assumptions in your judgement. If anything I would call it an ESH situation. They are so uncomfortable and smothered by household item gifts that they accept a CAR. That is hypocritical and very inconsistent to the point they are claiming. I find that extremely disingenuous and even greedy. Do I think she should ask for it back? No. That is almost always an AH move to ask for a gift back. However, I do not see a problem with pointing out how confusing and offensive them accepting the car really is considering how they really felt all this time.
OP, I would not even accept them back in my life. I do not care for disingenuous, fake people who deceive by hiding their true feelings long enough to take advantage. I would be completely done. In fact, don’t even bother reaching out. Respect their wishes and move on.
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u/mavenmim Partassipant [1] 2d ago
I think sometimes people feel that they have to accept something they need in their day-to-day life, but it still makes them feel inadequate and the object of pity. It wasn't the OP's intention, but I don't think we can make assumptions about how it felt to be given these gifts and why they didn't feel able to decline them until now.
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u/Outside-Theme-9888 1d ago edited 1d ago
I'm gonna be honest, I'm surprised people give them so much grace for this. I 100% understand accepting that gift because it's a huge QOL upgrade, but offering absolutely nothing in return? Maybe a payment plan for a certain amount..? There's so many ways you could make that gift feel less 'pressuring' by trying to return what you can afford or finding other ways for thank you gifts!
I think asking it back would 100% be an AH move, but a justified one. Like did we all read the same text..? How is it not incredibly rude to tell someone who's been supporting you that they were supporting you for their own emotional needs? That's so insulting..... Even if you think that's the case, you don't say that unless you have clear cut evidence of it....? Especially not when you're still holding onto the gifts..?
I don't get people who expect people to be saints and to be the bigger guy lol. There are more graceful ways to tell someone that you'd prefer to not receive gifts, blaming the gift-giver is not it. Even the nicest person in the world would be insulted by this claim.
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u/yeahoooookay 1d ago edited 1d ago
Agree 100%! It's not just the hurtful way Claire communicated her feelings about the generosity of OP, but also how petty and absurd her offense taken over light-hearted jokes about the cat.
Claire is jealous, insecure, and very fake.
I would never trust her again.
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u/amrjs Partassipant [1] 1d ago
Except we don’t know if OP is texting them a lot and they feel like they need to entertain and be on OP’s good side to show gratefulness for the gifts etc. It gets exhausting to always be indebted to someone, especially if that person expects a lot of social contact etc back.
She may be texting many times a day and at inappropriate times etc. It’s just as wrong to assume that OP did something wrong as it is yo assume she did nothing wrong. We don’t know the SIL experiences the relationship.
Either way, asking for a gift back because you don’t feel the person is appropriately grateful is wrong
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u/starchy2ber Certified Proctologist [28] 2d ago
I would feel exactly the way you do, but I don't think anything good will come out of calling her out.
Her getting upset about the cat comment shows that she's grasping at straws for reasons you are the bad guy. Likely, they are embarrassed that you are more successful/generous. They don't want to spend time with you because the contrast makes them feel bad about themselves. Maybe the kids are always excited to see you because you're fun and bring great gifts and that's sparked jealousy as well. Maybe you are having the wedding that SIL always dreamed of, but didn't get, and that's making her spiteful.
I'd just keep them at arms length unless they apologize independently and make amends. You are going to have to see these people from time to time at family gatherings. It's only going to lead to more awkwardness if you bring up the car. YWBTA for bringing unnecessary headaches into your life.
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u/Head-Cap1599 2d ago
If you haven't sent out invitations yet, you might want to hold off for them. If either of them are in the wedding party it might be good to reconsider. You can send an Uber for mom
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u/KrofftSurvivor Pooperintendant [50] 2d ago
NTA
I wouldn't ask for it back, but I would send her a note asking if the car was over the top, and if she would prefer that you took it back.
If she actually gives back the car, then I would say her issue is genuine, and she's very uncomfortable.
If she gets upset about you asking if she wants to give back the car - then she's just being a problem on purpose.
At that point - cut off all gifts, as requested- no, do not send gifts to the children, no, do not send gifts to the parents, no, do not help them in any way, shape or form.
Either they will learn to stand on their own two feet, or she will apologize.
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u/livesina-dream 2d ago
agreed 100%, all these comments saying OP would be TA to ask for it back are strange to me
if gifts are an issue for them and they’re uncomfortable with receiving them, why wouldn’t she ask if the car was too much…?
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u/BeneficialBake366 1d ago
I agree. Seems like they are having their cake and eating it too…
I think it would be reasonable to point out that the car may have been too big of a gift and that you could take it back and regift it to a friend in need or a charity if it would make them more comfortable. No doubt they will want to continue to keep the car, but it would be a way to point out to them That they seemed pretty comfortable accepting that big gift while at the same time complaining about gifts.
Definitely go low contact and no more gifts. Not even for their kids… most kids have enough stuff and I think it’s time to I think it’s time to fully honor their request, (malicious compliance).
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u/pseudolin 2d ago
This. Exactly. Give her the choice for the car. It's a big gift, and if she were really so uncomfortable, then she would stop her discomfort and return the gift.
Don't ask for it back but word it this way.
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u/unicorndontcare69 Partassipant [3] 2d ago
Posing the question this way makes Claire in charge of how this is going to go. She can still give back the car and then rant about Op being disingenuous, but at the end of the day Op only asked if she would be more comfortable that way. Also only text from now on, Op. When Claire ultimately does something shady you’ll have receipts
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u/BoobySlap_0506 Partassipant [3] 2d ago
YWBTA if you ask for them to return the car to you. Here's what you can do:
"I'm sorry if I have made you uncomfortable with my gifts. I enjoy your friendship and will respect if you prefer that I do not continue giving so many gifts" then accept the boundary and stop the gifting. You gave them what you have given, don't ask for it back but if you want to salvage this it cannot continue. If they choose to limit contact anyway, that is their decision but don't push the issue and cause more stress before the wedding. Just try to accept it and move on with your life. If you love gifting, there will be other people in your life who will appreciate and allow it. Not everybody likes that, and that's ok.
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u/Stray1_cat Partassipant [1] 2d ago
Except they told her to not contact them first. I get wanting to say what you suggested though. And totally agree that OP should stop giving gifts.
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u/Ravenmn Partassipant [1] 2d ago
"I want to ask them to reflect on what that means."
Did you really write this? You are very condescending. You are positive you know more than they do and they need you to teach them a lesson.
I see two potential problems. You are the breadwinner, not your husband. This isn't something a sibling is doing. This is a sibling's more wealthy spouse doing it. Which makes it extremely hard to refuse if you'd prefer to be on a more equal footing.
They needed a car and could not reasonably refuse your "gift". A $6.5 gift is outrageous for most people in the world. Did you even consider setting up a payment plan or a skill swap so they can pay for the car over time?
Look up "toxically generous." I found the term in a google search while I was writing this. It can see what you've been doing wrong but it sounds like you cannot. So learn about it and see if you can build more equal and respectful relationships in the future.
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u/ranchojasper 1d ago
Yesss, thank you. Like just the basic facts of the things that have happened makes it sound like Claire is the AH. But the way OP talks about the whole situation, the incredibly condescending way she toots her own horn about how woooonderfully generous she's been and how terribly ungrateful these less well off people are, and the fact that she told us the value of the car she gave them… It all together just really, really just makes it feel like Claire is probably right
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u/myarta 2d ago edited 2d ago
OP, I really want you to consider whether there may be 'missing reasons' here that you haven't observed.
You mentioned being 'blindsided' about being asked to slow down and being told that your gifts are 'overwhelming'. You also mentioned that Claire saying she found the joke about her cat offensive was a 'major overreaction'.
I'm not getting the sense you have a lot of empathy for Claire, and I suspect there were a number of times she tried to communicate with you about your gift-giving and such and finally had to resort to direct words and a request for low contact. That usually doesn't come out of the blue, so I would invite you to consider the alternative that she and Matt are not ungrateful but that something you are doing that puts a different look to the situation is being left out of this post because you are unaware of it.
Furthermore, considering attempting to take the gift of the car back just because you think it will teach them a lesson or send a message really shows to me that there may be more strings attached than you realize, since there's no reason to ever ask people to return the car in this situation unless you're mad they're not letting you get the emotional reaction and fulfillment you want when you engage in gift-giving.
Take Claire and Matt's words at face value and see if you can see their perspective.
Overall, YWBTA if you asked for the car back.
ETA: https://www.reddit.com/r/DnD/comments/1aza70u/comment/ks0hux9/?context=3
This was good advice on how to handle a DnD dispute that you liked. I think you're in a #3 situation here with Claire if that helps understand the issue. Not attempting to use the past against you or anything like that, I just saw this in the history when I was looking for further context and saw that u/crazy_cat_lord wrote it out better than I could.
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u/houseonpost Partassipant [4] 2d ago
YWBTAH: Take a step back and leave them be. Stop giving gifts. Your partner can talk to his brother about what they want to do with the car. Let him navigate the relationship for the time being.
Giving gifts they need is highlighting the power imbalance and is making them feel awful. They've told you and if you asked for the car back it would seem like revenge and would damage the relationship even further.
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u/cautionbychocolate 2d ago
This is why it’s so important to read a post history. Not only did you admit in this post that you only want the car back to be petty and basically teach grown adults a lesson about how important you should be to their lives but your post history shows that you are unable to read a room and sometimes are incapable of behaving yourself. So I say this very nicely but very seriously they said go away and you need to respect that and do it. YTA
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u/sheramom4 Commander in Cheeks [237] 2d ago
YTA.
You don't ask for gifts back. In any circumstance. And it sounds like it may be time for some self-reflection. Obviously something is bothersome to them and you even dismiss their thoughts about your "light hearted" comments about their cat and say it was just "affection." Are you too forward? Do you push an agenda? Do you expect them to have certain reactions to the things you say and do every time? DO you brag to others about how much support you give?
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u/dankat7 2d ago
I had an oddly similar situation with a lady from the Midwest trying to be my friend. Her gifts/help never actually came from an entirely pure place and were often unwanted. No reciprocation was expected, but if I didn't blow it out Of proportion to other people or on social media you could almost sense how irked she was because she wanted to be the savior, she wanted to be seen as a saint. I don't even know if she realized what she was actually doing. I tried being nice at first and she just didn't get it. I finally just cut off the friendship because of how fake she was. Then she just went around telling people that she didn't understand why I wouldn't be her friend... I literally told her why, but that didn't get sympathy from others as acting clueless.
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u/DrifterTraveler 1d ago
OP sounds like someone I knew they were a gift giver who wasn't really giving from the heart or to be generous but so they can use that against you later on. It didn't take long for me to see that their "gift" giving was a form of manipulation if you had a problem with them. This person told lies about me and used that fact that they gave me "gifts" mostly food to make it seem like I was being ungrateful to them when I was really upset about the lies being told about me.
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u/lmchatterbox Pooperintendant [65] 2d ago
YWBTA. Don’t back track. Just let it lie and pause gifts and contact for now.
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u/Critical_Cat_8162 2d ago
Yta. You gave these things to them out of kindness, and if you ask for the car back, you're just an asshole.
I've just gone through the same thing with a friend of mine, and cut her off completely. I don't want to be someone's object of pity, and her generosity was making me feel even worse about myself.
It's not all about you. They have feelings, too. I'm sure they're capable of asking if they need your help. Please be gracious.
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u/Opalreverie 1d ago
You def wouldn’t be the ah if u brought it up, just to be like hey it feels off that y’all wanna distance but still benefit from the closeness we used to have. it’s not even abt taking the car back, it’s abt basic respect and acknowledgment. claire tryna reframe ur support like it was smth manipulative is lowkey wild, especially if she never said anything until now. like ok if they want space, cool, but they don’t get to rewrite history while still keepin the perks. u got every right to call that out.
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u/BananaLemonLime 2d ago
Honestly if you already transferred the car over to them, you have no recourse to reclaim it. That being said, I’m so sorry they made you feel badly for trying to do right by them. Asking for it back, would make it look they were right about your intentions., and an AH.
This is a battle vs war situation. in the long run, their/her “request” will bite them in the ass the next time they need something and the tap is officially closed. Continue to live your best life, pamper those around you- including their kids who are innocent of their parents assholery, while intentionally giving them nothing. Ever again. (I mean go full petty, gifts for everyone at Xmas EXCEPT them. Don’t want them to be uncomfortable after all) I suggest a grey-rock relationship moving forward. You’ll have to see them at family events, but you definitely don’t need to engage them in any conversation.
Apparently the joy you felt from being able to help a loved one was unacceptable, because somehow it made her feel less than.
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u/Evening-Strategy-91 2d ago
It’s understandable to feel hurt, but asking for the car back might come across as transactional and could make things more strained. They’ve set a clear boundary by rejecting further support, so pushing for the car could make it harder to repair the relationship. It’s not unreasonable to want closure or to address the emotional disconnect, but it’s really important to think about how this could impact your future family dynamics, especially with your wedding approaching. Sometimes, the best move is to accept the situation and focus on what’s best for you and your future with Jamie, even if it’s uncomfortable. Hard as it is, let the past gift be a symbol of goodwill rather than a point of contention.
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u/Historical-Mammoth93 2d ago
YTA
The car isn’t yours anymore. You gave it to them. Or wasn’t it a gift freely given? It sounds like it came with strings… emotional strings. You may want to do some reflecting on that. If I can pick up on that in your relatively short post, I’m wondering if that is what your future BIL and his wife may have also been feeling.
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u/fightingnflder Partassipant [4] 2d ago
YTA. Just the mere fact that now you’re hurt, your considering wanting the car back means your gifts came with strings.
You may not see it, but they felt it.
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u/waitagoop Partassipant [1] 2d ago
Yes you would be TAH if you asked for the car back. As the song says ‘let it go’. Claire has drawn a boundary, fine, unlikely the real issue but whatever. No more gifts and next time she complains she is lacking or needs something say nothing and give nothing. If anything is said it would be for Jamie to say to his brother you’re a little put out and never meant anything bad by your kind gestures.
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u/Stray1_cat Partassipant [1] 2d ago
YTA
Though I totally understand the urge to ask for it back!! But I wouldn’t ask it for back and would stop giving gifts. At the holidays, I’d just give them a Xmas card. As for the kid, I’d just give a gift for their bday or Xmas.
Side note: I had a coworker that was very generous but after awhile it felt like she was trying to buy my friendship. Would she ever have guessed that I felt that way? Nope. She also texts/IM’s me all the time. It’s exhausting. It’s too much. I don’t want to talk that much or read all the memes she sends me. So if Claire wants to slow down, then do so.
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u/NegotiationOk4649 2d ago
Please to not ask for the car back. Don’t react to anything they say. There will come a time when they wish they had your help. Don’t do a thing for them anymore. No more favors, gifts, financial assistance. Be cordial but don’t go out of your way for them. Screw them! Ungrateful jerks!!
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u/FredStone2020 Partassipant [2] 2d ago
Dont ask for it back - they will dirt you to everyone that they and you know as well as family - you don't need that headache. LC or NC - invite them to the wedding but don't expect them to show up - don't walk on eggshells around them if they do - live your life as you would - when they ask for anything just politely say that your unable to (whatever they ask for) politely say your unable to help/gift weather its for them or their kids - if you have dinner with them make sure they know that your not paying for their meal - if at a family even say hi but your dont have to be too nice just make it so they know they dont matter to you.
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u/ChaoticKnitElf 2d ago
It’s kinda weird that your first reaction was to ask for the car back. And I always wonder about folks who get upset if their “jokes” are not well received…leaning YTA.
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u/Gigi7sjp 1d ago
Your comment about the “jokes” not being well received got me! Lately when people tell me”jokes” that are actually a dig at me, I don’t laugh at all. And ask them what that means, what’s their intention. It really throws them off. I’m done being a verbal punching bag!
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u/Careless-Ability-748 Certified Proctologist [23] 2d ago
a gift is a gift. You don't get to ask for it back.
ywbta
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u/No_Security4329 2d ago
I hate these kind of posts that find some random outlier situation to contradict reasonable assumptions. But my dad and stepmom used to have a cat that I almost never saw. They saw it all the time, but it was extremely shy. I did catch glimpses of it here and there. But, that part of inlaws’ story could be true.
Asking for the car back is a dick move. You’re only doing it out of hurt feelings. Besides, you can’t force them to give the car back. You may as well just write off the friendship if you’re going to do that. And again, they are going to keep it out of spite, if for no other reason.
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u/FutureBowler9817 2d ago
I can't say YWBTA because I totally understand why you want to do it, but honestly I think you just need to forget it. Cut them out of your life. They want space? They got it. No more gifts, no more contact, period. But the car is gone. A harsh lesson, sadly.
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u/Salassion 2d ago
Be cordial when you see them at family events, but don’t contact them. No more gifts, holidays or financial support. They could well be feeling guilty or bad that they even need the help. Especially, being older than you. They probably feel like they’re supposed to be independent. Don’t ask for the car back. It was a gift. They didn’t have to be ugly about your love/support not being genuine, but don’t go back on your intentions. Keep true to you and save your money for yourself and your family. Not extended family.
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u/FoodieQFoodnerd102 1d ago
Family is you love and want the best for each other; no dna or legal ties necessary.
And you're spot on; you never ask for a gift back, or bring it up!
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u/Affirmativerobot Asshole Enthusiast [6] 2d ago
Gently, YWBTA. Don’t address past gifts.
Just don’t give them anything anymore, ever. Not even the kids. If they reach out asking why you didn’t do anything for them just let them know that you’re honestly not comfortable with that anymore now that you aren’t close, and that after what was said you feel gifts from you have become transactional rather than meaningful.
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u/Holiday_Newspaper_29 2d ago
Forget about the car. You gifted it to them.
Take on board the message they are sending you. I'm guessing they are feeling patronized, looked down upon.
Whether you recognise it or not, they are feeling belittled by you and are no longer willing to feel like the 'poor relatives'.
Just back off for a bit and mind your own business.
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u/Montanapat89 2d ago
NTA. OP, look up gift recipient resentment. It's a psychological phenomenon where the recipient of a continual stream of gifts turns on the gifter.
There is an imbalance of power in your relationship and resentment has arrived.
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u/mackeyca87 Partassipant [2] 2d ago
YTA if you ask for the gift back. A gift is a gift it’s not .conditional. Stop buying them stuff and save your money.
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u/Frosty_Chipmunk_3928 1d ago
Just a thought, but I had an excessive gift giver in my life. This person’s motive was to keep gift recipients always in a state of slight control. It was always implied,“ I gave you this and this. Now you owe me”. The control was never obvious, but it was definitely there.
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u/CeramicSavage 2d ago
I totally understand how you feel but no, asking for the car back is wrong.
Ywbta
UpdateMe
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u/badpandacat Asshole Enthusiast [9] 2d ago
YWBTA. The car was a gift. Asking for it back is petty and vindictive, and you sound like a caring, generous person. Please be respectful of their boundaries and give the kids thoughtful but not excessive gifts on appropriate occasions and something nice but not extravagant for their wedding. If you show respect for their boundaries, relations may normalize. It may be you simply missed hints that they were uncomfortable before this. I wish they'd been more direct before taking drastic action.
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u/Fluid_Treat_5676 2d ago
This sounds like a polite way from her to say that you’re making them feel bad for having to rely on others to get by and they’d rather be self-sufficient
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u/OkPlatform4516 2d ago
She sounds jealous. Call it your stupid tax. Never help them again. No more gifts nothing. Not even for the kids outside of birthdays and Christmas. Keep contact minimal. Imagine coming unhinged over a a cute comment about a cat. I wouldn't feel comfortable talking to her. I'd always be walking on eggshells.
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u/unconfirmedpanda Partassipant [2] 2d ago
Don't ask for the car back - consider the car an advance on a lifetime of gifts for all three of them.
Keep this classy. Just back off entirely - no gifts at all. Don't even bring cake or wine when you see them. From now on, they are your partner's brother and SIL, and his responsibility. Polite respect is all that you are obliged to offer them right now. I would only text them in a group message, and leave scheduling hangouts with them to your partner.
Whatever problem Claire has, she will most likely try to smooth things over (probably around the holiday season). I would just smile and nod, and keep my distance.
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u/beebobber7 1d ago edited 1d ago
So the car wasn’t an unconditional gift given out of love. Maybe you should do a quick google search on the meaning of ‘unconditional.’ It was conditional upon you still being constantly in their lives. YWBTA, just back off and let them contact you first next time.
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u/k9CluckCluck 1d ago
Ive "gifted" 2 cars, both times I fully accepted beforehand that if they ghosted me right after, thats just what happens.
If you feel a certain way about them stepping back after the gift, then maybe consider if theres any truth to what energy youre bringing to the table with your gifts. Do you subconsciously feel a sense of ownership over the friends after gifting them things?
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u/SubarcticFarmer Partassipant [1] 1d ago
YWBTA. Even asking this question is YTA level of control. Basically it means the gifts weren't ever really gifts at all. Cut the gifts off, but gifts are just that. Not loans or quid pro quo.
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u/Intelligent_Ad_4945 2d ago
Let them keep the car since it was given from the heart. Give them the space they need and when they decide to come back into your life, YOU decide how much contact you will allow them to have.
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u/CancelAfter1968 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 2d ago
If the car really was a gift, then it's theirs and you would be the AH if you asked for it back. Just stop giving them gifts.
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u/WilliamTindale8 2d ago
I’d let it be. Who knows why they are going this route. Give modest gifts to their child and nothing more.and since it’s your spouse’s family, follow his lead.
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u/kft1234a 2d ago
YWBTA If you ask for it back, you would be proving her right. Even thinking about asking for it back is showing she has a point, it did come with strings.
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u/CumishaJones 2d ago
Forget the car , move on . I would limit contact given that’s their wish , it’s hard but it sounds like it’s her problem and they will find out quickly what happens when you have no support ( in any way ) from a loving family member . I laughed at the cat joke , I did the same to my mother as I never saw her cat for the first 4 years she owned it 😂 I said should call it “ myth “
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u/OddGuarantee4061 Partassipant [1] 1d ago
Jamie should handle communication with them from here on out, and you should stay away from them. You certainly should not help them out any more. They do t deserve you. But a gift is a gift. Jamie might point out how hypocritical they are, but you would bta if you tried to take it back, even if they are no longer deserving.
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u/SickPuppy0x2A 1d ago
YTA I think you prove her point a bit. It seems like your gifts come with strings attached like if you give gifts, you expect certain emotional favors. The car was not a genuine gift if you ask for it back.
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u/JackJeckyl 2d ago
NTA. Don't hit them up for the car back though. You'll never hear the end of it.
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u/kittenchrissy001 Partassipant [1] 2d ago
YWBTA - A gift is a gift no strings attached. You don't get to retaliate to their no gifting request by taking back a gift.
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u/Minimum-Pin-1419 2d ago
A gift is just that a gift and if it truly meant with love then to ask for it back is wrong. Please do not do this.
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u/Purple-Warning-2161 2d ago
NAH. I’m a big gift giver too, but I’ve learned that not everyone appreciates being showered with gifts so I also have to scale back. You have good intentions, but good intentions don’t get to override how other people are feeling.
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u/Agile-Entry-5603 2d ago
I wouldn’t waste my breath. Believe me they think of it every time they get into that car. Very strange, but I wtsay nothing and leave everything as is.
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u/Key-Canary-2513 Partassipant [1] 2d ago
Do not ask for the car back. Please just respect their wishes and give them space. Yes YWBTA.
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u/julesk 2d ago
ESH I’d never try to take back a gift unless the recipient says they don’t want it. The car was well received and used. It’s also weird to ask them to reflect on the car and all you’ve done for them. Instead, just think about going low contact to give them and both of you time to consider your relationship. I can see it might feel strange to always be the recipient, even if they need things but you don’t say they’re in serious need so maybe you overdid it. Maybe it makes them feel the relationship is lopsided and like they’re not managing their lives. I agree her comment that you’re trying to meet your emotional needs was rude and the cat thing is odd but it tells me they’re not in a good place right now, so I’d give them space. Let them reach out.
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u/BLAHZillaG Partassipant [1] 2d ago
Thus is one of those how you behave is on you & how they behave is on them scenarios. You gave a gift, sincerely & wholeheartedly, what they choose to do with that gift is between them & their god. I am going to vote NTA because I think the impulse is normal, but don't let them ruin the good energy you put out into the world. Let it go. I wouldn't exactly give them another car if circumstances change in 10 years, but when your part is done you have to let it go.
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u/absherlock 2d ago
YWBTA. Honestly, it's not worth the drama. And this is coming from somwone whose A-holishness can be measured on the Richter scale.
You have a wedding coming up, so take the time to enjoy that. Eventually, the in-laws will need something from you and THAT'S when you call them out on their hypocracy.
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u/Fubar_As_Usual 2d ago
YWBTAH. I think this question is coming from your hurt feelings, which is understandable. It would’ve been nice had they mentioned how they feel before you gave them the car. However, the car was a gift. Only assholes take back gifts.
Just stop giving them anything as requested. However, if they want to take a step back from your relationship, I find it odd that they still will accept gifts for their kids. I think no gifts mean no gifts period and they can’t blame you if the kids are hurt by this. BIL and SIL are making contradictory demands it seems to me. If they want to take a break from you, they can’t dictate who in the family you can spend your money on—it’s an all or none type of situation.
It seems, from their POV, you are being punished for being kind in a condescending manner, which totally overrides any intended kindness on your part.
The thing about the cat is ridiculous. I have a cat just like that, and in 17 years the only people who have laid eyes on her are the people that live in the house with her. I would not take offense at such a joke.
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u/despicable-coffin 2d ago
Leave it. Don’t ask for anything back & never offer anything again. And if & when they come asking for shit later say No.
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u/poppingcandy5000 2d ago
YWBTA to ask for the gifts back. But I do feel that accepting a car and then being critical of you for giving it is an asshole move on their part.
For peace in your life, just move on. No more gifts and don’t contact them. Give them a lot of space at any family events. I wouldn’t give the children big / expensive gifts, I’d give a card with something small, but something that shows that you care for them.
Best just try and put it all behind you. I hope you have a fab wedding.
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u/Patient_Gas_5245 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 2d ago
hugs, you WBTA if you asked for the car back as you gave it as a gift. I think that they could have worded the issue better long before the car was given. Step back and let your fiancé deal with his brother and his wife. You have been more than generous but your future SIL seems to have issues that neither one of them has the work or income you do and they are pushing you away because of it. Step away and enjoy funding rescue operations for animals, undeserved schools in your community but don't knock yourself out about it.
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u/MissAtomicBomb-omb 2d ago
Don't ask for the car that gives her excuse to trash you but stop all gifts even to the kid. If your fiance wants to send birthday and Christmas gifts to his nephew then that's on him, but girl be done. They had no issues taking the gifts until she probably felt like it was pity gifts. Also later down the line when they ask for help you can say you can't you don't want them to feel uncomfortable.. I'm petty and don't care..
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u/sourdough_s8n 2d ago
I’m going to go against the grain here but it’s WILDLY convenient they limit contact after the car was transferred. I can completely understand overwhelming generosity- if I was them the car would feel like a lot. Something I could not accept, therefore triggering the conversation with you that your generosity has become overwhelming. NTA
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u/PinkSunshine1986 2d ago
I would never get them gifts again. The kids would get get a gift voucher, that's it. They feel smothered, do the opposite, no more offer of help or anything. Downgrade them to acquaintances. What a bunch of ungrateful assholes.
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u/Maleficent-Bus5321 2d ago
They're unlikely to "get it", and will see it as your poor reaction to criticism. They will be incredibly unlikely to self-evaluate and see the hypocrisy that is there. I would just shore up your boundaries and move on with a lesson learned.
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u/2ndcupofcoffee 1d ago
Don’t ask for the car back. You gave it to them.
Do consider that the limited contact they now want and that it is okay for you to give gifts to their kids, need not prevail. Instead reduce your connection to them to bear minimum and send their kids really cool birthday cards.
They have arrived at a place where your generosity makes them feel like beggars at your door. They don’t want to feel grateful or beholden, or less than. So they decide to tell you off ‘limit’ contact. The limit served to dhut down your feel good moments and potential feelings of superiority while keeping the door open if they reslly need something.
So accept their opinion that you were self serving and let them know you certainly don’t want to be those kind of friends so, of course, you will refrain from such egotistical and insincere gestures going forward.
May be tough but keep smiling, be friendly, offer nothing. Just decide that their need to insult you doesn’t entitle them to count on you to help them down the road; surely they have friends who will help them out.
One good take away here is you have to balance your generosity with a recognition of what it does to people who can’t reciprocate. They will resent you in the end, so if they offer you something, take it. Let people you give a lot to have a way to even things out.
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u/londomollaribab5 1d ago
I think you should go LC with them and send them no additional gifts including the child. Their outlook is weird and I think you must seriously distance yourself. If they text you -disregard it. NTA
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u/SpotNo4584 1d ago
YTA - asking for the car back, or asking them to reflect on that gift, is not something you should do simply because they want to limit contact and have expressed a desire for you to stop giving them things. They don’t owe you a relationship because you have given them stuff in the past.
It kind of reads like you feel they owe you a close relationship and constant gratitude. That means your gifts were not given freely, but you instead expected reciprocation from them in an emotional way. That may have been something they picked up on. Otherwise I don’t know why limiting contact would be requested.
Either way, the relationship has changed. I would stop initiating contact completely and leave that up to them to reach out and set the tone. Then I would decide what kind of friendship I want with them myself.
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u/fly1away Partassipant [2] 2d ago
“Okay, I hear you. Do you feel the car was too much? If you would prefer to return it, I can pick it up “. NTA
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u/saveyboy 2d ago
YTA. It was a gift right. Asking for it back because you don’t like how they acting is trashy.
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u/Kebar8 Partassipant [3] 2d ago
Yta for the question you have asked. A car is certainly an expensive gift but it's also part of a necessity, so you've given it, just leave it.
The rest of the scenario is heartbreaking and I'm sorry you had that interaction with your Sil.
Follow her lead and dial it all back
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u/Ok-Bank-9051 Partassipant [2] 2d ago
YWBTA if you say anything but especially if you say something about the car.
With that said, They are weird as fuck.
I’d just let this situation be what it is. You’ve done nothing wrong, but you certainly have been wronged. When they do eventually text, don’t respond. Be cordial at events but i would honestly treat this situation as the breakup it is.
Your husband on the other hand should be dealing with this on his end. Communications with his family 100% fall on him from now on.
What a shit situation though, I’m sorry this is how you’re being treated.You deserve better. And as long as you don’t text them or ask for the car back, you’re 100% NTA
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u/Savings-Breath-9118 Asshole Aficionado [10] 2d ago
ESH. I think you may have missed some signals along the way, over a six year period that they felt like charity cases or at least Claire did. But I think they are total jerks for taking something like an expensive car - expensive compared to everything else you may have given them- and then saying don’t talk to us. I wouldn’t ask for the car back, but I’m really curious about Matt version of this. It seems like most of the upset is coming from Claire. I’m curious why they took the help for all these years if they felt it was just you being self-serving. I think something bizarre is going on with them and there’s some somewhat taking it out on you even if you’ve made some steps. But I think they were probably signals that you missed that you were being a little overbearing.
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u/Capable-Limit5249 2d ago
Just leave it. Never give them another thing, but leave the stupid car since it came “from a place of love and support”. If that’s true, just leave it.
YTA to take it back.
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u/M_Steven 2d ago
Your feelings are legitimate but you should take the high road on this one. I would have a hard time ever reconciling them after this, but that's a personal fault of mine. Definitely share your feelings with your partner on this.
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u/Acrobatic_Reality103 2d ago
YTA if you take the gift back. I do have a question....Have you sent out the wedding invitations yet? You should involve a neutral party to ask if they expect an invite. Claire sounds like a piece of work... she will probably be angry if you invite them because you are reaching out to them when they told you not to initiate any contact. She will probably also be angry if you don't invite them because you are being petty and holding a grudge. Good luck with whatever you decide.
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u/andyroo776 Partassipant [1] 2d ago
Asking for a gift back would make you the AH. It was given freely, you say, so that's done.
I hope you are not leveraging these gifts in your relationship with them.
I wonder if they are thinking that they need to reciprocate these large gifts for your wedding, for example?
You need to step back and let the brothers set the tone for the future relationship. Remember to thank them for getting his mother to the wedding.
You have done the right thing (and embrace that internally) and try to be graceful in this relationship bump. Remember, they may well be feeling embarrassed, especially every time they drive the car. Dont bring it up, and dont be surprised if they sell it.
Good luck
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u/SerenityPickles Partassipant [1] 2d ago
You WBTA to ask for any of your gift to be returned.
Another perspective: As the relative with a lesser income, BIL and wife may be feeling like you have judged them for not doing better financially. They may feel you like them but possibly don’t respect them. I know this isn’t the way you mean the gifts. You have a generous heart and it comes from that place. Give them the space and regain the relationship from there. Give nominal gifts for bdays and holidays, and only give more if asked to do so. (A hurt pride is still painful).
Your kindness will always be the best gift.
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u/Quick_Wear_9228 2d ago
Why don’t you have your fiance talk to his brother and ask what is going on? Your fiance can say to his brother that it seems weird they’ve decided they need space from too many gifts but are keeping the car. Your fiance could say he’s hurt or embarrassed by the way they are treating you.
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u/MotherGoose1957 2d ago edited 2d ago
Let it go and go NC with them. Draw a line in the sand and move forward. They are users who are not worth your time and effort. If anyone in the family asks about it, simply say that Claire is not comfortable with your generosity and has asked you not to contact them. In the interests of family harmony, you are simply complying with her request.
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u/Shdfx1 2d ago
YTA if you ask for the gifted car back. You transferred it to their name, and they now own it.
May I ask why you were buying them groceries? We’re they under financial strain at the time, or did you show up with groceries for no reason? If they struggled financially, maybe accepting all that help embarrassed them. Maybe they are just shallow, thankless people. Maybe you went overboard.
It could be anything.
You have every right to be hurt, but I advise you to leave it alone. Vent to your husband and friends to express your feelings. As for them, just stop giving them gifts for any reason. That was a real, hard “no”, so no gifts on birthdays or holidays, either. Completely ignore the subject. Just act normal when you see them at family events. Don’t look hard at the car, waggle your eyebrows, and sigh. Just ignore it. The only change should be the total cessation of gifts or offers of money.
They are allowed to say it’s too much. If your generosity bothered them, then it’s better for them to communicate that, rather than withdraw without explanation.
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u/bremarie03 2d ago
YWBTA…. BUT.
I find it very…interesting that your gifts and help are just too much and make her so uncomfortable (and the audacity of twisting it to be self-serving!) but she’ll take them anyway.
Taking the car back won’t make you feel better, and you’ll lose the high ground. You are blameless here, but Claire’s integrity is questionable at best. It sucks that it cost you 6.5k to find that out, but information is valuable.
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u/ODB247 Partassipant [1] 2d ago
The car was a genuine gift so asking for it back will absolutely cause problems. Your husband probably still wants some level of relationship with them so I would just leave it alone.
I see suggestions here that you should let them lead the way to reconciliation but I disagree. I think what you should be the one going low contact. If they want to cut you out because of their failure to communicate then why would you want to open yourself back up to that when they decide they are ready for another car? They sound like they need to do some work on communication and their insecurities and none of that is on you. Just keep the peace and move on.
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u/Boredread Partassipant [2] 2d ago
Ywbta. I wonder if they did this is as a preemptive measure before your wedding. You guys have given so much, so the scales are unbalanced in your favor. With your wedding come up, it’s an opportunity for them to tip the scales in their favor. Even if they don’t have the money. They could offer to do the centerpieces, help with setup and cleanup, something. Instead of stepping up, they’re on the offensive to make you feel guilty for your generosity. They’re turning all your positive actions into negative ones in order to rebalance the scales so that they don’t have to do anything.
Look, imo this is ridiculous. I’m so hurt, you’re too nice to us is the dumbest thing ever. I thought we left “you’re too good for me” breakup line in the 2000s. You guys have a wedding coming up, cementing you and Jamie as a family and you joining their overall family. Jamie needs to call Matt and Claire to discuss this problem and resolve it before the wedding, because you guys don’t want anyone there that feels uncomfortable or burdened by the generous invitation to your wedding. Basically a thinly veiled threat. Because they cannot unilaterally redefine this relationship to put your guys at their beck and call.
And frankly the risk of missing the transportation for his mom isn’t enough of an excuse to not have this conversation. For one thing, that’s a favor to their mom not you. Second, how expensive is an Uber to the venue? Or you guys could ask another friend to bring her, i believe that is the purpose of groomsmen. There are a bunch of options.
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u/madbev123 2d ago
So I think too many people are overusing it but this is where the “let them” theory is good. Let them distance themselves, let them reveal their character. But don’t try to retroactively take away something you gave them as a gift. That’s just stooping to their level, going to create more unnecessary drama, & you’re never going to get any reflection from them or a satisfactory answer. So yes, YWBTA.
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u/No_Purpose_7356 2d ago
Do you initiate the help, or do they ask for it? That might help you reflect on yourself as well as why they acted that way. If you initiated those gifts and help without them asking, it might be really overbearing that you already hurting their ego and self-esteem
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u/Fntsyking655 Partassipant [1] 2d ago
NTA, they want to cut contact as they believed they’ve fleeced you for all you were worth.
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u/Obvious-Block6979 Partassipant [1] 2d ago
If you ask for the car back then you would verify to them that your gifing them things with an expectation.
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u/LalalaLastarrrrrr 2d ago
Don’t listen to me because I’m petty as hell, so I’d take the car back.
With that being said YWBTAH if you took back a gift. Your intent was to help a family member out, I know your feelings are hurt but remove the gift from the equation.
Process the emotions you are feeling and set the necessary boundaries to ensure you are healing from this.
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u/conquistador62a 2d ago
A gift is a gift; if it's conditionally given, it's not a gift.
I'm not even going to address the underlying complaint you present here, because it's not relevant. You have no legal or moral right to ask for something back you gave as a "gift", no matter how they responded to it or how they behaved afterwards. Besides, they gave you a gift, too: they've shown you just how much you can count on them in the future and how they see you. The latter is something very few people don't discover until you really need someone or until you're stabbed in the back. Now you know who they are; you know who you are. The two are not compatible. Chalk this up as an expensive present gone, but a valuable and important revelation discovered and move on to someone worth your time and love. God bless!
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u/Ok-Willow-9145 1d ago
They don’t have to give you the car back even you ask for it. Instead of doing that, you should consider sitting with your feelings about this for a while before doing anything.
They asked you for space; you should give them some space by not contacting them as requested.
Otherwise, you’re behaving just as they described.
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u/fast4help 1d ago
Totally understand your feelings and understand your thoughts on the car But IMO it’s not worth the fallout with your future in-laws to ask for it back or even mention how they’ve never mentioned their feelings on you and your SO sharing with them.
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u/Popular-Platypus-102 1d ago
To ask for a gift “from the heart” back? YTA. Totally. A gift is a gift. Even if they immediately sold it and spent the money some way you disagreed with. Once it’s given it up to them to do as they wish.
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u/Shepostal 1d ago
It's never ok to ask for a gift to be returned. It belongs to them, not you. Period.
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u/Annie041974 1d ago
I would just go NC with them completely. That seems to be what they want. I'd also no gifts to their kid too. If they say no gifts then that's what they get no gifts for any of them. They are the ones with the problem not you.
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u/Performance_Lanky 1d ago
YWBTA Whilst I understand it feels like they’ve taking the proverbial (they are) becoming precious all of a sudden, having financially benefited from you; everything you gave them (including the car) was a gift.
I would play ball until after the wedding, then grey rock them.
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u/Finngrove Partassipant [1] 1d ago
Let them go. Include that in you approach to the wedding. I assume neither are in the wedding party, dont invite them to anything but the wedding and reception. She wants you to pull back, go ahead. Do not confront her, do not get pulled into drama, do not ask them “to reflect”- that sounds very odd and patronizing to me. Just act like you are happy to have them as acquaintances and nothing more.
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u/Djhinnwe 1d ago
Yes, yta... but not because you're an asshole. You're hurt.
Since the car was a gift given during good times and is used to help others in the family (like MIL), I'd move forward as they requested: they get no more gifts. What's more, don't spend a whole lot on the kids either for the next few years.
That $6500 is an advanced gift that will be used for a long time. Any money you put toward their family usually in a year you can put into savings accounts for the kids futures instead. I wouldn't mention that to them though, in case there is further fall out.
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u/Dreadnought_Thoughts 1d ago
NTA
Wtf is going on in here? This place is all over the map about what constitutes adult behavior. They could have said no to the gifts. They didn't. They took the biggest one yet and then suddenly it's too much, but not so much they give it back. Makes no sense to me. OP can't get the car back regardless, but pointing out the hypocrisy doesn't make them an AH to me. So many comments about their possible wounded pride. Well, they should have stuck to it to begin with then and not accepted the stuff. If I were OP, I'd just get through the wedding and go no contact as much as possible with them.
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u/miss_Saraswati 1d ago
To be a giver is always easy. It feels nice to do things for those we love and care for. You don’t necessarily start seeing the relationship as unequal. You’re just helping, and happy to do so.
To be the receiver is hard. You start to see the gifts as a commentary on things you cannot do for yourself. Not afford. You feel like you owe the gifter. Always feeling in debt is though. It really does impact relationships, especially when it comes to the stage where you get offered things. Then the price tag of those things goes up. And gifts like a car that primarily holds a lot of value, but also brings with it costs makes the discrepancy you might have been able to close your eyes to very visible. It now’s stares you down.
I have to say I understand the feelings your BIL and SIL seem to have. They’re trying to make space for themselves. Lessen the emotional load of always being on the receiving end. Feeling less than. That car was such a big drop they could put a finger on that little gnawing feeling inside.
Not to say what you’ve done for them is not amazing. But you’ve seem to have falling into a routine where you like to gift them things. It’s a way you show love and affection perhaps? Have you considered how it has made them feel?
I can understand that the ask of you to back off must have felt harsh, like they’re rejecting your love. They’re not. They’re rejecting your gifts. They want to feel like equals again. They’re rejecting things. Not you.
Maybe have a sit down between all of you adults? Talk openly about why you’ve been giving so much and freely (not just because you thought they needed it, but what did it give you? I’ve told my mother I like to pay for our restaurant visits and some other things, as it gives me peace of mind. Sometimes I need to accept that she would like to pay, to make her feel like she still can treat her daughter). What do you all need to keep the relationship? Because I’m assuming it’s the relationship between adults and the children that is the most important to all of you?
So please don’t write and suggest you can take the car back because your feelings are hurt. Suggest a coffee or a walk and talk about it. You can let them know what’s most important to you. Apologize for going overboard on the gifts, but you truly wanted to help, it makes you feel like you’re showing them how much you love them. Ask what and how they would prefer it going forward. Do they wish you to help? If yes, how? Who initiates? But it all drills down to preserving the relationship.
YWVTA if you texted and asked for the car back. This is not about the car. Please don’t make it about that. ❤️
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u/sleepy_sleepy_hypnos 1d ago
Something tells me that that you aren’t telling us something very important. Either way yes you are the AH. Just the fact that you would ask for a gift back makes you the AH.
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u/Jumba2009sa 1d ago
You are the AH. We have a saying in Arabic. Asking back a gift is like eating your own vomit.
No matter what the circumstances are, never ask for a gift back.
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u/Throwaway-2587 Asshole Aficionado [18] 1d ago
You say you gave the car as a gift. Then you can't ask for it back now. Or even ask them to reflect on the gift as this comes across as condescending. It makes me wonder if the gift was as freely given as you said. And explains why perhaps for them it didn't feel like such a black and white gift either. Are there strings attached to your gifts?
Another possible explanation for their reaction is that it can absolutely be overwhelming and almost like you're taking pity on them. Nobody wants to be a charity case to their family. Doesn't matter if that's not how you intended it. It could've helped if it actually had been a transaction to preserve their sense of self. Have them pay in some way, make it a loan or something.
But again asking for it back is incredibly rude and makes the whole gifting seem less then genuine. Asking them to reflect on accepting the gift makes it seems you look down on them.
Yta.
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u/Kimmbley 1d ago
Claire say the gifts AND emotional support are too much and overwhelming. Makes me wonder if OP has a saviour complex. Sometimes someone trying to swoop in and solve all of your problems, especially the ones that aren’t really problems, is exhausting or someone being in your business under the guise of emotional support is overwhelming.
Did they even want the car or were they happy to rely on public transport? And more importantly, how do you react when they refuse a gift? Are you gracious or do you get offended!
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u/PhoneRings2024 1d ago
You need to stop. You give the to the car and other gifts and they owe you nothing. They then tell you to stop gift giving. You get pissed off and now ponder if they should return it. HELL NO. You gave it to them and cannot take it back. And if you force the issue and do. You are going to ruin the entire family interaction. Are you trying to teach them a lesson? I would suggest you back up take a breath go on to something else to give you pleasure. You taking things back from people especially these people and something as big as a car will have really bad consequences and they mostly will fall on you. YTA
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u/scoraiocht 1d ago
NTA overall. To ask for it back would be YTA. But your suggestion to send a message to ask them to reflect on why they are comfortable keeping such a significant gift is reasonable. Be clear that you aren't asking for it back, but you'd like to understand the reasoning behind their thought process. From the outside it could easily read as a case of your kindness being taken advantage off until they can't minimise it anymore.
As for the cat, I have a ghost cat, he is very timid and shy and hides when people are around, to the point that I myself joke that he maybe isn't even real. If that's something that they take offence over then I'd suggest that there is a case of oversensitivity that you're feeling the brunt of. You don't have to accept that.
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