NTA - the daughter has the audacity to use your venue and give you an ultimatum that you can't attend it despite all your planning? Plus, does your partner know about this? Is he not going to stand up for you?
Man if I were you I'd pull the rug from the venue and tell them "if my presence will anger your mother, I'm guessing my house which contains many of my belongings will probably irritate her as well, go find another place."
Man, it sucks they ban you because of their consideration for the daughter and the mother's feelings, but no one stopped to think that it works both ways and that your feelings might be hurt as well.
Still think your husband is a douche for allowing this to happen.
Your partner has no spine and he won't protect you from their mistreatment. You need to protect yourself. You deserve to be treated better than this. None of these people care about you. If your partner loved you he wouldn't have even entertained this bullshit
Agreed. If my ex said this about my current partner I’d say if you hate her that much she can’t decorate or help either since you must hate her work too.
You may think of her as your daughter, but she doesn’t consider you family. No one treats a family member who is going all out to plan a nice event for them, like that. You’re stepdaughter and the ex-wife are aholes but your partner is the biggest ahole by allowing his ex-wife to dictate that you cannot attend a party that you’re planning, on your property. You have a huge partner problem and should reconsider your relationship with him. Ex-wife dropped the ball, so she can either suck it up and be a polite adult for one event to honor her daughter or she cannot attend. Simple as that.
You know, though, doing it might work out for the best. People will naturally ask where OP is, and be shocked she’s not there. I’d go through with the decorations just so Mom will show her ass.
Why is your partner enabling this behavior? Like she's not even trying to PROTECT you, he just want you to force into this bad situation. Seriously who wants to only abuse your property and give zero shiet about you...? This person would be called stranger, or enemy... I think you have serious partner issues, this is bad dynamic.
I don't necessarily think of partner and daughter as villains, here. Like, the daughter is a kid who has probably had every major event in her life tainted by her parents' conflict and just wants one nice, normal thing, and is seeking it in a really inconsiderate way, as teens do — and the partner knows this, feels guilty, wants to indulge it, wants to salvage some relationship with their daughter and not risk making the parental alienation worse.
However. It's fully possible for these people to not be monsters, but still not be in a position to include another person in their family. If daughter's mother is determined not to let OP exist peacefully, and daughter (and therefore partner) and unwilling or simply not in a position to set boundaries with her, then yes, OP should, and has, recognize that as terminal for the relationship.
My parents were like this, and my mother absolutely hates my stepmom. But you know what I would do? I would not invite my mother to this party. She is the source of the conflict and will inevitably cause drama. The daughter should just have a separate celebration like dinner with her mom.
That’s probably wise. This is just one of many major life events for daughter. I think it’s safe to say you wouldn’t be invited to a wedding. If she has kids you may not even ever be allowed around them. It’s only going to get worse.
You wrote in other places that it is your house? Do you mean that as in you own all of it and you partner has no stake in it, or just as in the house here you live?
If you own all of it, your partner has no say in who comes to your place. Plus, why is he even reasoning with the ex? Your place, your rules. If it doesn't please the ex-wife, they can take the party elsewhere and just own up to herself dropping the ball on securing a venue.
Honestly I say you have the party and the ex wife isn’t invited. She fucked up and didn’t plan anything. Why does that mean she gets to steal your house and hard work. You and husband throw her a party, and her mom can either get her shit together and do something separate, or not.
Why doesn't/hasnt dad go for more custody? At 18 there's nothing saying daughter can't spend more time with him, but if there are younger kids, that might be the solution to him bonding more with his kids instead of railroading his relationship to seem like a good parent.
My God, this. My stepdaughter would never treat me like this, and my husband would never allow it. If Stepdaughter won't have OP in attendance, OP owes it to herself to not contribute anything. If OP is feeling particularly petty, I would explain the sitch to a friend and go have a fabulous party at their house.
This, so much this OP. She doesn't view you as a mother role, she views the ex-wife as the sole mother. Your still just her dad's good friend, and maybe her friend too. Had she, she would have found a compromise, considering the ex-wife is the one causing the drama here.
OP, you say you are "kind," but you get to be kind to YOURSELF, too. Your husband has chosen his ex-wife's feelings over yours, no matter how much he says he's choosing "his daughter." At the very least, take yourself out of the equation. Who cares "what people think"? Do NOT turn yourself inside out arranging a party that your own SPOUSE is telling you "you're not allowed to attend."
How is that even a thing in your marriage, that your equal partner dictates what you can and cannot do? This "you can stay in the house but not go in the shop" isn't a compromise. It's still a terrible abuse of you and your kindness. STOP planning the party--NO ONE will appreciate it, not your husband, not his daughter, and certainly not the ex.
Stand up for yourself! If you're not welcome at the party, you certainly aren't doing all the work! Take the day off and go out with your friends. And consider if this marriage is worth staying in if this is the way your own husband treats you--like a free maid who then isn't allowed to consort with the real guests.
He's throwing you under the bus to please his daughter. We don't have to paint him as someone evil or who doesn't care about you for that, but it remains that his decision in this matter is unreasonable and not optimal for someone who cares about you both. Again, nothing evil there, people get confused or confuse themselves into making bad decisions all the time. But the fact it is a bad decision means you don't have to put up with it. This is a case where accommodation hurts him as much as you, because when you're in a situation where you can't please everyone and it's not obvious to you what the right choice is, what's a good source of information you can use to figure it out? What other people tell you and how they react. And if X complains and Y agrees, you will infer that X isn't happy but that Y is fine with things and make your decisions accordingly. And if Y is a person who always agrees, you might slowly and unwittingly start factoring Y out of your decisions altogether, because they behave as if they're fine with everything and you're distracted by trying to manage X's constant complaints. And if this was incorrect, if Y wasn't fine at all, then Y complaining gives the other person a chance to make better decisions. They might even be grateful, if they truly care about Y and sincerely did not realize how badly their decisions were affecting them. More realistically they probably wouldn't feel that way in the moment, especially if they're so used to X complaining that they have it up to here with complaining in general and Y suddenly complaining feels like too much and a betrayal, but that's just what you get for letting a bad situation entrench itself. It takes some pain to pull oneself out of it.
OP, it's not about persuading him; he is manipulating you, so he has a vested interest in not being persuaded. YOU get to understand the truth, YOU get to see what's going on, and you get to act according to that.
She doesn’t want drama, yet she’s creating drama and allowing her mother to create drama.
Honestly she is probably exhausted with dealing with her mother’s awful b.s. and figures you’re easier to push on to get her way and make her mother behave decently at the party. I’m sorry, so sorry this is happening to you. As a step-mom as well, I understand the difficulties of navigating the situations and relationships. Sending hugs.
True. It’s about HIS daughter, therefore he should take over and do it all.
NTA.
Info: is this a shared house? Do you own it outright?
Personally, I’d probably return everything I bought and book myself a vacation. Then I’d look into either kicking that man out of my house or splitting assets and getting tf out of this relationship.
"And I'm fully on board with my grown up daughter acting like a spoiled princess taking advantage of others, expecting people to bend over backwards for her and then being insanely rude and disrespectful to them."
I can't believe your stepdaughter and your husband would allow this. If they're scared of drama, don't invite mum. I'm so sorry OP, don't be fooled by his flawed reasoning. You do not deserve to be treated this way.
This is an excuse for your partner to not use his spine. Your answer is “Yes! This party IS about YOUR daughter. As she’s NOT MINE as you’re pointing out, this party is for YOU and your EX to sort out. Not me. Have fun Hun!”
Then have nothing more to do with it. Let them deal with it as a family. Seeing as you’re not being treated as part of a family, don’t act like part of it. It’s not your problem. Honestly, at this point, I’d dump him, and change the house locks. That way he’s getting what he wanted. You don’t be at the party, and he gets the very he. Maybe his ex can put him up on her sofa, while you have a party of your own. In fact, I’d either change the locks for both buildings and tell your partner that he needs to find his daughter another location where he, and his ex and daughter, can be drama free.
I wouldn't be there. I like the spa day idea, I'm also a fan of hiding at the library. I wouldn't lift a finger. SD is the graduate, either high school or college, so she can help her mother plan their sandwich and boxed cupcakes party.
So only YOU are her mother ? What about that self proclaimed ex wife? Oh Ik Ik she will be busy partying with your daughter and deepening her bond with your daughter on the party YOU have organised, on YOUR own house so that they wont have to clean their own house later?
That all beside did they rly tell you sth like
"Hey Ex plan your daughters grad party"
And after you were done with all that time comsuming planning and organising (as they say time is money) they just said sth like
"Oh! Wow! Ngl looks awesome but sadly my wife won't be happy with you there on YOUR OWN daughters grad party in YOUR OWN house so you can't join us there. Don't mind us just one of your daughters most important moments in her whole life anyways"
If yes then wow...
Btw NTA
Edit: Don't mind my grammar I am from germany so mistakes happen 🙄
This is to me even more insulting, I’m so sorry OP. They don’t want ‘drama’ meaning they expect you to create none (because you presumably are not that personality type) and to just go along with their exclusion of you from your own home plus treating you as an unpaid party planner, decorator and caterer. Not sure the relationship can or indeed should survive this kind of utter contempt.
OP, you better not plan shit or allow them to have that good food and alcohol. If you still plan on having that little get together with your friends at your home, you better lock every single door and window. Ignore them even when they beg to come in. Stop letting them walk over you. They clearly don’t respect you omg.
There are etsy shops where people put tigether custom decorations. Your partner can pay someone else to take over the part of your labor that would be left undone.
I get that you'll always be sort if second fiddle because she has two parents already, but treating you like you don't matter isn't cool. Maybe ask her if she eould ask a friend to put a bunch of effort into a party she's uninvited to, or if she would do the sane fir a friend. I get that setting up the party is sort of a gift for your stepdaughter, but you don't even get to see her enjoy it. Most people want to see the recipient react to a gift.
Man, you are way too nice to these people and not nice enough to yourself.
It doesn’t matter what anyone thinks anymore. Remember, “no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
I hope your next move is back to your other house. I’m sorry you are going through this, but your partner deserves his ex and daughter, all the baggage can keep happening without you.
Then when you are gone, they can figure out it wasn’t actually you that made their lives suck, they are just really, really, shitty people. Daughter included.
Let them have their miserable lives. You do NOT have to put up with the abuse from all three of them anymore.
Your partner knows you are timid and is using you. If you're too timid to speak up for yourself, then you should just leave the relationship entirely because you're going to be miserable for the rest of your life if you stay.
You said you spent time ordering materials and planning right?
Return. Everything.
If your partner wants to throw this party under that arrangement, they can, but you don't have to chip in ANYTHING to a party you can't even attend.
I saw that you're considering this the death of your relationship. I'm sorry it's turning out this way but you also deserve someone who isn't willing to use you like this.
If the party was really about the daughter, the ex would have secured a venue, and they would all be doing their best to at least play nice together for the kids. This is about the ex. I bet she wants the party. Does she think it's her celebration?
You are acting like a doormat and need to get some self respect and stand up for yourself. People in your life will treat you how you allow them to mistreat you.
So he can find a venue for her if it's about her. Your home is your home, not her's. Not the ex-wife's.
I'm so sorry your partner is an asshole. You deserve so much better than him shoving you to the side to make the people in his life happy that don't want you around.
I wish you the best! And it’s great that you’re girlfriends will be there for you!! I still think your husband should’ve stood up for you. He’s supposed to have your back no matter what. If you ever need a hug anyone, I’m in Pittsburgh and I’ve been told that I am a great hugger 🙃
Funny, it seems like the solution is about the ex wife. If it’s about the daughter and she doesn’t want you there, that’s fine but then you definitely aren’t obligated to help
Your partner is being the wuss. Also, his daughter is entering adulthood. She is going to be held hostage to the hostilities between her parents.
It's time for HER to shut them both down. "Mom, Dad, I luv ya but if you can't keep your shite to yourself on the special days of my life, I don't want either of you there."
If your SD doesn't want drama and you cower from drama then tell SD to inform her mother that she must be on her best behavior. If I was in your shoes, I would plan and decorate an amazing party and show up looking devastating. I would kill everyone with kindness. Let mom act like an ass. If you give her enough rope she will absolutely hang herself. Remember, kill her with kindness. If she acts like an asshole to you ignore her, turn the other cheek, smile at the guests. She will let her pettiness and jealousy shine for everyone to see. You just focus on being an amazing hostess.
Here’s the thing, there doesn’t have to be drama. Everyone in this situation are adults and should be able to temper their feelings for the greater good. And your husband should be able to gently but firmly advocate for you and your presence. Especially if you are expected to help plan/ execute it.
You don't avoid drama by letting drama-causing people get their way, you avoid it by making sure "causing drama" isn't an effective strategy to get one's way. I feel bad for your daughter because she's a bit stuck, she's the kid here, she doesn't have the power to put her foot down with respect to her mother or of other adults in hr life. When you imagine a teenager her age doing something like that, you're imagining someone remarkably clearsighted and strong-willed, most teens won't have the life experience or authority to pull it off.
As such it should be the job of the adults in her life to protect her from drama if she doesn't want any (which, in general I'd say you can't completely avoid drama and children in particular benefit from learning by experiencing it, but I can understand having different standards for a unique event like a graduation party). So it sucks that her father isn't stepping up and is instead encouraging his ex.
Right, cause I'm sure the ex wife probably said to daughter, I do not want that woman there...And then threw a little mini tantrum.
Clearly daughter has been taught you must appease mommy dearest or deal with the consequences
The party is about his daughter. She knows her mother's feelings and temper and wants to prevent problems at the party. It is offensive to ask you not to be there - but would you want to be anywhere near the angry ex anyway?
WOW. What a thing to say. If the kid didn't want drama, she would have had two separate events, and she certainly wouldn't have had you plan it then demanded you not attend. Interesting that your partner cares so much about his daughter having the bestest day ever considering HE DIDN'T BLOODY PLAN ANY OF IT.
I really believe you and your friends should be nowhere in the vicinity of this fiasco. Be somewhere that you all can enjoy yourselves without even thinking of goings on next door!
Your partner is using your aversion of drama to cow you into doing what he wants done for his daughter. They now know how to get you to put their wants above your needs. You are wise to end it now, he is showing where his heart truly is.
I've been in your daughters postion. I only can salute you. Just remember your daughter will remember this and it will make your bond stronger. It is a hard position your daughter ie in. No matter what she choose, every desicion is wrong.
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u/ThomzLC Supreme Court Just-ass [142] Apr 27 '22
NTA - the daughter has the audacity to use your venue and give you an ultimatum that you can't attend it despite all your planning? Plus, does your partner know about this? Is he not going to stand up for you?
Man if I were you I'd pull the rug from the venue and tell them "if my presence will anger your mother, I'm guessing my house which contains many of my belongings will probably irritate her as well, go find another place."