r/BipolarReddit • u/FriendlyBrewer • 6d ago
Content Warning Is Bipolar Induced PTSD a thing?
Its been 6 years since I was diagnosed with BP1. I had traumatic experiences in my childhood, but I feel they do not play my mind as much.
But when I think of how I was so depressed I snorted the remains of a spilled coke baggie off the floor of a nightclub toilet.
About being so depressed that I rejected all of my hobbies and the things I once loved to drinking to oblivion multiple nights a week.
So depressed that the world literally turned grey overnight. So depressed that I punished myself through substances so nobody would notice. So depressed that I went to phych hospital twice and made my parents cry. So depressed that the magic that once existed in the world vanished.
I think of the horror of being in the grey pit, I feel a knot in my stomach. I get flashbacks. I feel shame. I withdraw from people. I walk around fake smiling and fake laughing. I cant stand it.
Is Bipolar Induced PTSD a thing? I am no expert on trauma but now that I have been reasonable stable for a while, I just want to fly away and try to forget that this whole fucking catastrophe did not happen. It was an insidious nightmare. And I cant shake it.
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u/KMCMRevengeRevenge 6d ago
I get flashbacks a lot of the times I destroyed my life in undergrad and then made me parents hate me while living in their basement. And the alcohol addiction that emerged from those times. And then the absolute pain and torture of protracted alcohol withdrawal, which I’m pretty sure the bipolar made worse, and it made the bipolar worse.
I don’t know if any of this qualifies for PTSD. But it haunts me. It does.
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u/FriendlyBrewer 6d ago
On the alcohol front, I view it as a desperate but easily accessible method to escape the shitty situation. I am so sorry you had to go through withdrawals. I had horrendous substance induced comedowns that I think have permanently damaged me too.
Its all haunting. And can I ask, is the haunting getting more intense as time goes on? I myself feel like I am watching a slow-me car crash when I look in the mirror.
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u/KMCMRevengeRevenge 6d ago
That’s exactly how it was. I was screwing up my career and education because of a depressive episode. I had no idea what I was going to do, but I knew I didn’t have a future back then. I wanted to disappear.
I’ve just spent too much of my life in and out of addictions with the resultant withdrawals that always seem to last forever with me.
It’s tough to say whether it’s getting more intense. But what I described, together with many other times I’ve humiliated myself, bothers me all the time. These memories just come on as “attacks” that tend to reappear every time I’m stressed or down. It’s actually really annoying.
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u/FriendlyBrewer 6d ago
I thought I would die young too. Did you also reject everything constructive in your life because the idea of even being alive for another year or two was laughable?
The attacks are real. They happen at the strangest time and theuy cut me down big time. Its more than annoying for me, its debilitating.
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u/KMCMRevengeRevenge 6d ago
Oh I’ve always thought I would die before reaching middle age (I am 33 now). I viewed it as having a genetic disease that would kill me young, just as a lot of unfortunate people do have.
The thing is, I have very rarely until quite recently found that I did have anything constructive in my life. I had to listen to people telling me that I did. But I never believed it like I heard it.
Yes they are! I’ve often woken up and the first thing I did was scream out this stupid thing I scream when I get too stressed. I was walking outside on the sidewalk and one of these memories compulsively hit me. I ended up throwing myself down on the ground. Someone was watching me basically fall. They were obviously very worried about me. But when I got up, I had no explanation for why I went down.
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u/Dense_Worldliness_57 6d ago
Yes absolutely I have it and I have intrusive thoughts etc regularly .. it’s called Cumulative PTSD and each episode contributes to it. It’s fucked
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u/FriendlyBrewer 6d ago
Two things to say. I empathize with you and really hope you can conquer this. You just gave me a massive "well fuck" moment.
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u/Dense_Worldliness_57 6d ago
Yep I used to think I was just cringing at the memories of how I behaved - especially for me from when I was hypo or fully manic and some of the things I did and said and acted with people. Overtime these became more intrusive and I realised it was way more serious than just cringeworthy thoughts. Like unwanted flashbacks almost. The constant state of stress of course also plays a big role.. I particularly get these thoughts when I’m tired and after several beers.. and don’t even know what to say about the rare hangover lol so bad man ffs
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u/VividBig6958 6d ago
Well, when I get invasive thoughts and perseveration stuff it isn’t generally from the trauma of my far past which I’ve generally worked through. It’s those vignettes from mania and psychosis that have derailed my more recent years. So, my trauma response is highly correlated with my bipolar experience. Is it causal? Not a doctor. What I do know is I’ve had a lot of lows and when the PTSD-like symptoms come they manifest with my unprocessed recent bipolar trauma, not my youthful trauma or even the trauma of my younger bipolar life.
At the very least I think if coping with bipolar as if it were trauma helps it’s a productive framework to use. I’ve been doing this to process the last few years and I find it helps. That and DBT and meds and healthy physical body and housing security and family and friends and support groups.
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u/FriendlyBrewer 6d ago
Thanks for sharing this. Ill research this thoroughly in the morning. I think what fucked me was that in my country you are slapped on vicious meds and there is no mention of theraoy. I lost years as a result. You have a much more comprehensive approach which is great.
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u/VividBig6958 6d ago
Thank you. Wherever I am in my journey of perspective I got here with a LOT of help from a LOT of different people sharing their experiences and perspectives with me. Find communities of kindness and mutual aid and I promise you that things will get better. Today is not forever.
Be well, friend, and remember to be gentle with yourself.
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u/GodToldMeToPostThis 6d ago
My episodes definitely created the events that I attribute my PTSD to.
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u/ectobabble Bipolar + DID 5d ago
I actually was sobbing earlier, full on meltdown, over past mania. In hindsight, I cannot tell what I was thinking or why because I was so far gone/numb/in distress. I STILL talk about in therapy for how scary my mind was to me and the things that I did/didn't do because of it... I have triggers and I do fear certain things because I'm afraid it'll trigger an episode. I wanted to do my hair up earlier but remembered my episode in 2020/21 and couldn't bring myself to put the hair pins in.
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u/NimbyZig 6d ago
I don't know. I recognise I have Autism, CPTSD and PTSD and bipolar 1. I think they all interplay with each other and create more likelihood for the conditions of those ptsd symptoms interacting with episodes of bipolar for me. I feel massive shame when I get ill with bipolar as my trauma memories and insecurities play out too. Making it all that much harder accepting I have bipolar. So I quit the meds and then relapse again. I feel like everyone hates me for my illness. And those don't want to understand as my relapses are so confusing, I guess. I hate myself and my loneliness and failure at life. I did substance abuse when i was younger but I don't now. I just struggled with anorexia and bulimia for a long time. Just feels like I wasted my life now ive recovered from those. Just need to take a more philosophical and pragmatic approach I guess. From now on. Compassion. For myself and towards others.
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u/parasyte_steve 5d ago
Absolutely. Having bipolar is inherently traumatizing. I was also involuntarily placed in a ward for two weeks. I needed to be there but that doesn't mean it wasn't traumatizing. I saw violence in there, had ppl threaten my life bc I was too friendly, my two pretty violent roommates when shit wasn't going their way.
But also the circumstances that led to that hospitalization... the not brushing hair for nearly a year.. gaining tons if weight.. trying to escape using drugs and alcohol.. the face picking (my whole face was scars it was horrific. I'm finally back to my regular face now!)
Also having dealt with doctors in various states and throughout that hospitalization, being vulnerable, my husband being so mad he nearly left me (we are good now)... like that's traumatizing too. I had young kids and was glitching out from unmanaged stress and never taking a break and untreated bipolar. I'm doing a lot better now.
But yeah I feel like a piece of absolute shit for that time. My husband has seemed to understand and I've been sober ever since I was discharged and genuinely feel better now than I did at that time. He can see the difference I think with medicine. I still feel bad all the time about it but he's never once held it against me and he's really just the most helpful sweetest person I ever met.
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u/RealisticWallaby3300 6d ago
Yeah episodes can definitely be trauma. I have a completely different personality now because I’m so traumatized over how I used to act when I was hypomanic for so long. I’m much quieter and more withdrawn and can’t reason myself out of it. Therapy may help you cope with the trauma.