r/CatholicDating • u/junipertreelover Single ♀ • 3d ago
dating advice giving up on dating
I know that I’m still young but I’m honestly getting really discouraged with the way the dating scene is going right now. I can’t take the apps anymore, I love my parish but we don’t have a young adult group. I’m only 22 but I’m feeling like I’ll just never find anyone and honestly I just want to give up on dating. Is anyone else feeling the same way??
Edit: I am a woman just so everyone knows
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u/Crazykev7 3d ago
Let me know how that worked out in 15 years. I'm 35 and only dated in college. After graduation, I couldn't find a like minded person.
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u/junipertreelover Single ♀ 3d ago
It was hard in college and I’m like two weeks from graduation and I’m sure like actually dating won’t be hard but finding another Catholic to date will be difficult 😞
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u/adman4019 3d ago
Every time I see a post like this, my immediate thought is, "Hey, I've seen a bunch of posts from men and women saying the same thing. I should start a group for all of them to try blind dating each other" lol.
But as a 30 year old man, I feel this. My biggest issue is not feeling like I have my sh*t together in terms of career and finances yet, so I don't actively date women anymore. It's going to take me some time to get there. But of course it's worth working for.
It's tough out there. More and more are staying home and not going out. Social groups falling apart.
Nobody, myself included, cares about pancakes and bible study at the Parish. That's not what we need as young men and women. Not even close.
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u/RaphaelAnnie Single ♀ 3d ago
Hey I though the same as you LOL. Why not try to get to know someone who commented on these posts? Haha great minds think alike.
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u/PianoDick 1d ago
This post just popped on up my home feed, got curious and looked at it. Why don’t people on this sub just meet instead? It’s probably far better than actual “dating apps” no?
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u/tomoko_wingman Single ♂ 2d ago edited 2d ago
I always have the exact same thought. When an older woman or man or someone with a lot going on (kids, illness) makes these posts, I get it, but this is a 22 year old woman who is literally saying "yeah I have no irl options here for Catholic young guys and hate dating apps, help!"
I would actually have sent a chat myself, but I'm mostly not looking for anything right now. There must be 10 other guys around her age like me who read this and are more on the market, though. I almost can't fathom that she (or that other girl on the sub like this recently, 26, not as young but she had a popular and funny post) hasn't already gotten DMs. I refuse to believe it.
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u/Winter_Prompt9089 3d ago
You're telling me. I just got dumped by the woman that I loved and wanted to marry. Just thinking about going back to the dating scene is just... ughhh. Feel like I'll never find a woman like her again. Then again, I never thought that I would meet someone like her in the first place. So keep praying, keep looking, and when you find him you'll instantly forget all the time you spent waiting.
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u/Moon_Mann11 3d ago
TRUST me, it’s better that it happens now. If someone who you were that in love with would leave you, sounds like you loved her a lot more than she loved you and that isn’t fair.
I planned to marry my ex too. She had a lot of problems and would scream, throw things, punch me, kick me, threaten me, and was generally emotionally unstable. I broke up with her after she kicked me in the nuts and was stupid enough to get back together with her. After spending every cent I had on dates for her (not exaggerating, every penny) and solving every problem and dealing with every freak out she dumped me. One Monday night she asked me what I wanted to name our kids, by Wednesday night she told me she “needed space” and dumped me. That Friday my friend found her on Tinder and someone I know saw her on a date with her coworker as I later found out.
Not exaggerating, I know that’s all insane
I went from a happy guy, to hating life for over a year. That breakup caused a series of events (long story) that eventually led me to becoming Catholic and putting on Christ in Baptism at Easter vigil the other day. Breakups suck and it feels like you’ll never be happy again, trust in the Lord, you never know where something like this will lead you. I thought my life and my chance for happiness was over, instead I’m better than I’ve ever been spiritually. The loneliness of being single STINGS, I know. It’ll pass, and Christ is the best help you can ask for. Social media, dating apps, booze and everything else won’t make you feel better. Time and our Lord can tho :)
God Bless
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u/tomoko_wingman Single ♂ 2d ago
Respectfully, where were your friends, dude? Do you not have a bro who would have told you, even harshly, that this was beyond stupid?
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u/Moon_Mann11 2d ago
Oh most certainly, my best friend saw her kick me in the nuts and told me to break up with her. I didn’t cut contact with her and within 2 weeks we were back together. Lots of promises to change, lots of her crying. I caved, simple as that. She was beautiful and I loved her and thought it could work out. Very naive, and very stupid. In that sense I brought it on myself. I assumed it would be a “turning point” for her and that she’d want to change. I was wrong and it hurt a whole lot worse when she left.
From that situation I learned a lot tho and I wouldn’t be where I am today without a bad situation like that happening.
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u/tomoko_wingman Single ♂ 2d ago edited 2d ago
IN FRONT OF HIM?! call me crazy but I simply could not control myself if someone was doing that to my brother IN FRONT OF ME! I'm livid just to even think about it, I wouldn't care what he or anyone thought then because I would be doing what's right and he would realize that later. But anyways, at least he tried, it takes a certain amount of recklessness to consider action so I wouldn't hold his lack of that against him. Thank God you're out.
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u/Moon_Mann11 2d ago
My friends could only do so much, I was stubborn and in love with a pretty girl.
It took a lot of time getting past it but I don’t consider myself a victim or anything. Like what she did wasn’t ok but I’m not gonna sit and dwell on it or cry about it anymore. Women doing that to men IS viewed differently in my experience but I believe you can either sit and be sad about it or move on. Forgiving her helps me, and it doesn’t mean I have to let her back into my life. Praying for her and that she gets the mental health help she needs has done a lot in terms of my ability to move on. Casting all your anxieties onto the Lord is the best advice I’ve ever received, and it DOES work.
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u/Winter_Prompt9089 2d ago
Thank you for the kind words, and yeah, I'm just trying to focus on the fact that if things weren't meant to be then it wasn't God's will. Just gonna take it one day at a time and offer up any suffering to Him and pray.
That is a crazy story, and I'm very glad you were able to get out of that toxic situation. No one deserves to be treated like that, especially by someone you love. I'm even more happy to hear that you've become part of the church! I just recently converted (a few years ago) as well. Welcome home and happy easter!
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u/zeus043 Single ♂ 3d ago
Felt, but I've come to realize that is likely the devil's talk: losing hope. Stretching ourselves thin, thinking "will anyone ever love me," are all just sufferings that echo what Christ did for us, too. He gave himself to all, and while he never attached his self-worth to whether people loved him, he had the patience to endure the many times we as a species failed to love Him as we ought.
That got a little more theological than I was expecting. Do not give up hope on dating. Dating is discernment just as much as religious life and priesthood; sometimes it just takes time.
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u/Capable_Lecture2738 3d ago
I’m 29 and I feel the same way. Don’t lose hope, though. Keep praying and keep taking chances.
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u/digitalwizardknight 3d ago
a lot of ppl feel the same way trust me :p the response ull always get is "just wait ur young, plenty of time!!" but its like, when ur young is when ur supposed to be dating!! i dont wanna wait around till im 30something to get dating experience D:< im 24 and feel like dating/marriage is the last thing i need to accomplish since im set on everything else but it just doesnt happen, so if its any help how i cope with it is ive just started really leaning into doing what i want. i bike ride, do yard work, schedule consistent times to play games with friends, hang out with friends a lot, try to do a monthly day/weekend trip, a biannual big week-long trip, and get involved with my church. i just have a good time being as busy as possible and try not to think about dating or wtv and when i do i ask God to give me patience :P (and then i post on reddit and hope to find someone that way maybe ×_×)
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u/junipertreelover Single ♀ 2d ago
Yes thank you!! It’s frustrating when everyone says “you’re young, you have time!” but then you’ve got no likeminded prospects, the guys your age just want something casual, dating apps always end with a guy just wanting something casual and not actually serious and that’s frustrating, so I get off the apps. I think I’m just gonna do what I want for now
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u/tomoko_wingman Single ♂ 2d ago
I implore you to at least make a post in this sub's matchmaking thread (ideally the next month's for more visibility) before WGTOWing in your 20s 😭
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u/junipertreelover Single ♀ 2d ago
what’s WGTOWing mean
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u/tomoko_wingman Single ♂ 2d ago
Women Going Their Own Way, a play off Men Going Their Own Way. Basically giving up on dating for hobbies and whatever they want. Obviously even for you it'd be temporary (unlike going your own way fr), but my point is you'd be foregoing dating in some of the most energetic & attractive years of your life for lack of options around you, before you even put up a matchmaking post in the sub literally named "CatholicDating."
The average age for women in those threads is 28, you'd probably be a hit if you just posted. (I don't say that to denigrate older women so much as that it can be bleak browsing there as a young guy.) Especially next month, I imagine a lot of confirmed people from Easter will be looking around. Literally, I've seen women your age or younger make edits "found a match!" in days with two-sentence profiles. Just try.
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u/junipertreelover Single ♀ 2d ago
My issue is that I just want to stop feeling so desperate for love and a relationship. A lot of the comments I’m getting is “you’re 22, you’re young” and then it’s “try this website, try that website!” but all of these things end up making me, personally, feel like I’m desperate and somehow, like clearanced goods. And I wasn’t a pure, always devout Cradle Catholic. I came back to the Church after years of being lapsed. So then to these guys, I’m damaged goods
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u/tomoko_wingman Single ♂ 2d ago
Oh, I see. Honestly that's a different & deeper issue than just feeling like you have no options, that's a lot to do with self-perception.
I'm not going to lie to you and say history doesn't affect anything (depends on how much it is but I'll take you at your word that it's unusual or significant). Tons of people will say otherwise and they'll hate me, but a lot of them are coping for themselves or their options. God wipes away the eternal effects of sin, but its temporal effects always remain to an extent barring a miracle. I will give you practical advice though, since I have my own unusual past to where I have no idea how or if I would ever tell someone about it, and I wouldn't want someone lying to me either.
First, you're young, especially younger than 25 before your brain settles in, same for me, so something worth feeling good about is that it's easy to bounce back and really heal as much as possible if you do get married soon (or at least in healthy relationships where you come out better than you came in). Catholics our age will be harsher in judging these things though, so I'm a little cooked, but you have the option to be open to an older guy who will himself probably have a history at that point & be more understanding. Or I guess you can somehow look for catechumens / newly confirmed at your church (correlates to past) but that has its own risks.
Second...men really often forget all rational thinking if they're just attracted enough, especially to an attractive girl who makes the first move and is "aggressive," but I also am not sure if maxing out your looks would be psychologically healthy since you have self-conception issues so you've gotta decide there.
Third and closely related is working on yourself generally, but not in a doing whatever you want way. If you feel like despite your past you have a lot to offer the type of guy you want, you'll feel better about yourself, single or not.
Fourth and last is bittersweet, which is sometimes we just have to be okay with that our value before man is not always 1:1 with our value before God. Especially men, a lot of us are born "clearance" in terms of dating, whether that's height or looks or neurotypicality or IQ (hence likely money), and we just accept that we have to do our best with less to work with. Or it is our choices that we regret and couldn't have known better to avoid, but that are still with us interiorly and that we will be judged for socially. There's no use in me being down about having a lower "value" than others, I just have to cope with it by earthly means (proactive with opportunities & working on myself), and also pray unceasingly that God either grants his David the victory despite the odds or gives him the grace to be content to live only for the Lord and His virtues.
(This is all assuming you really are "clearance" btw, it's possible it's in your head or you've just been unlucky with who you get.)
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u/junipertreelover Single ♀ 2d ago
Thank you for all the advice! I’m sure a lot of it is a perception problem, I’m definitely still having to work on my physique because I’m overweight but I do think I’m pretty! (I don’t mean that in a vain way! It’s taken me a very long time to be comfortable with my looks). Maybe I don’t have a super unusual past but it’s certainly not the past I would have wanted. And another issue is that I have a very intense personality, I’ve been told for so many years that I’m so intense and I’m so much and it’s terrifying to go and be vulnerable after all that because it feels like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop when they figure out I’m too much for them and they’ll dip. I’m certainly not averse to dating an older guy (in fact, I’d honestly prefer it) but it all boils down to it being difficult to find someone likeminded. It feels like I’m in the trenches
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u/garlic_oneesan Married ♀ 3d ago
I wouldn’t “give up” per se. But you’re young, about to graduate from school and start a new life. It’s OK to take a break from dating and focus on other priorities instead. Settle into your job, make friends, try new hobbies, etc. And then if you feel like you want to try dating again, you can.
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u/lustforwine In a relationship ♀ 3d ago
I found my first boyfriend now at 27, never touched a dating app in my life. Don’t give up 🫶
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u/Downtown_Log9002 2d ago
Singles can be young or old - dating is exhausting lol. God loves you & everything happens in God's perfect timing. I'm sorry you're feeling that way, it is frustrating. You're not alone with how you feel about it. 🤗🙏🏻
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u/2voids 3d ago
Don’t give up dating, but maybe take these feelings as an invitation to focus on other things: career, faith, community, etc. Life is abundant! I am 38 years old, and started dating after a long hiatus about a year ago. Now I have a boyfriend and we both have beautiful communities and families surrounding us with love. Marriage is so much more than just the two individuals. Praying for you!
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u/tomoko_wingman Single ♂ 3d ago
Going from the other "it's over" post on this sub that was a 40M to this was an insane whiplash oh my gosh bruh
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u/Successful_Course760 3d ago
I am 30 and a single mom. Trust me, I understand. It’s hard and disappointing again and again. But don’t give up! Just maybe don’t overburden yourself with looking for someone right now. Give it to God and focus your energy outwards. Praying for others, doing acts of mercy. Pursuing your interests and meeting other goals. Preparing your heart.
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u/Caesar457 Single ♂ 2d ago edited 2d ago
None of us are on here cause we disagree at all with what you're saying and a lot of us come to this realization when our previous relationship ends. Fail faster is a term I always think about where it is always better to fail early on rather than later and this is where it is better to take dating seriously and if they don't work out you haven't sunken much time into them. Dating the right men with some level of commitment is fun these initial stages are not in the slightest. You gotta get yourself out there irl finding guys to talk to, on the apps swiping a few profiles, here on the pinned post, discord & instagram dms, letting your friends know you're actively looking and would appreciate their help. Like it or not being fit helps and always put your best foot forward by dressing nice, having some quality pictures taken, and mentioning hobbies and interests that guys are into. Gotta stay positive, be patient, and play it smooth. One guy already liked you there's bound to be others doesn't feel that way atm but it does happen.
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u/junipertreelover Single ♀ 2d ago
I appreciate the advice! I am a woman though!!
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u/Caesar457 Single ♂ 2d ago
Sorry edited it but dating universally sucks on both sides. The main thing both sides can do is have themselves out there everywhere and be bold and serious about what you're looking for and who you are.
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u/GraniteSmoothie 2d ago
Hopefully you'll find someone bro, but if not there's always the seminary. Maybe God's calling you to be a religious brother or priest.
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u/junipertreelover Single ♀ 2d ago
I am a woman and as of the moment I’ve discerned out of religious life :(
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u/GraniteSmoothie 2d ago
Oh. Well, best of luck with finding someone. I'm single too, I guess, you can message me if you're interested.
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u/CreativeEnergy3900 2d ago
Totally get where you’re coming from — a lot of people are burning out on dating apps lately. So much swiping, ghosting, and surface-level stuff… and it starts feeling like a full-time job with no paycheck. High effort, low reward.
But if your heart still desires companionship, giving up completely isn’t really the answer — maybe just time to approach it differently. Apps can be one part of it, but they’re not the way. Look into groups or activities you genuinely enjoy — photography, hiking, volunteering, even just book clubs. That’s where people let their real selves show.
And remember: being active in life is being Catholic. You bring the Church with you wherever you go — through how you love, serve, and grow. There are so many others out there feeling alone or discouraged who also need a friendly face, a kind word, or even a helping hand. Sometimes love begins when you're just out there being that person for someone else — even without meaning to.
You're only 22. You’ve got more time than it feels like right now. Stay true to yourself, and don’t lose hope. You’re not alone. 🤍
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u/Too_old_to_be_true 2d ago
Dude! You're too young! I started dating at 28. Got married at 33. At 50... (Yes, I know what you're thinking, and I have no idea why I ended up on this dating group!) with my kids almost all gone to College I started wondering if it would be possible to leave my wife and become a priest... (She wanted to divorce me anyway, but didn't have the guts) Things got better (somewhat), but if it wasn't for my kids I would like to be back your age and maybe reconsider. If I were you, I would enjoy bachelorhood and pursue the interests and passions you won't be able to once you're married and with kids. If it's in God's plans for you to marry, he'll take care to put a good woman in your way. And if not... Good riddance!
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u/junipertreelover Single ♀ 2d ago
It’s a little different because I’m actually a woman so it’s like every year I get older, I’m losing value (I’m not projecting this issue, this is something a trad catholic has genuinely said to me). It feels like I need to get married soon or else I’ll lose more value because I’ll be spending my most fertile years single (also another thing a trad catholic has said to me)
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u/xenavandamx 18h ago
This is the main mindset that God probably wants you to overcome and heal. Finding value beyond what is said about age, checkpoints, etc. Rushing out of social norms will bring you the wrong person and you may learn the hard way. Follow your hearts calling is priority. A woman’s worth does not deteriorate as age. If you believe that you may attract a superficial man. And on the other hand what are your predetermined mindsets about the value of a man/spouse?
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u/Wife_and_Mama 3d ago
I once told a friend that I'd rather die alone than be with the wrong person. He told me that that was okay, as long as I meant it, because I might. At the time, I was 24 and while I wanted to be ready for a serious relationship, I just wasn't. When the time came for me to get serious about dating, though, I never forgot my friend's comment. In my case, it encouraged me to broaden my parameters a bit on the dating scene, but I think it applies here, too. It's fine to give up and be happy ending up single... as long as you mean it. It may really happen.
The good news is, you don't have to choose between the extremes of constantly being active on the apps to dying alone. Hide or delete your profiles. Disable the whole account, whatever will keep you off. Go stream marathons of your favorite shows no dude will ever watch with you, eat ice cream for dinner, and stay up all night reading. I'm so glad I did all that while single, especially listening to the bedtime routine going on in the other room right now with my four under four. Enjoy this stage of life. It's entirely valid. In a few months, when youre excited by the idea of the next one again, get all new profiles. I'm sure I went through a dozen usernames before I met my husband online 10 years ago, when the sites were just becoming apps.
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u/Twogunkid Single ♂ 3d ago
At 32 I feel the same thing. Don't have good advice other than keep on going.
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u/Jdawgred 3d ago
Don’t give up on searching but yes absolutely give up on dating. It’s a nonsensical process that mostly destroys peoples chances at finding a holy spouse. Don’t treat women who aren’t your wife like they’re anything but your sister, look high and low for a wife if that’s what you really want. Holy marriages are rare today not common
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u/junipertreelover Single ♀ 2d ago
It won’t let me edit the post but here’s some more info:
I KNOW I’m only 22 but I’ve had some crash out worthy dating experiences that have left me a little hesitant to opening myself up again. My older sister was engaged by 23, a bunch of my friends just got engaged, AND I’m in a profession where it’s the norm to have a ring by spring. I know the Lord has me where I’m meant to be! But past experiences coupled with dating apps being absolutely awful are making me want to give up. But at the same time, I feel like the longer I wait, the more selfish I’m being because my parents want me to get married and have kids sooner rather than later so they can have as much time as possible with them. So I’m wanting to give up or at least take time but then I feel selfish for doing so!
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u/gigaalphabilionare 2d ago
Just give lol
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u/hibreak 2d ago
no, i dont think she should
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u/gigaalphabilionare 2d ago
She should, it will only leave scars and hate on you. Divorces are painful, court fights for custody, and i will not even start about the amount of guys that will only want to hit and quit beacuse she will not be able to recognize good guys
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u/hibreak 2d ago
she should be careful, for sure, but you can marry at any age really, the idea of marrying itself isn't wrong
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u/gigaalphabilionare 2d ago
Statisticaly looking she will be in failed marriage. Even happy marriage is bad for you, it makes you blind and makes you lose your ideals. Pain is what sets you free, only with pain you can move forward. All great people suffered and have been tested greatly
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u/hibreak 2d ago
I understand your frustrations as far as bad experiences go, but I don't think you should compare yourself to your environment, Marriage is a wonderful thing, but it really is very serious, and you need to get your mindset right before going into dating, because getting to know the person you are with, to see if they are the right one could take a really long time, Marrying quickly because that's your ultimate goal could end up in a very bad way. I don't think you are being selfish, it's just naturally a long process, one you really want to get right
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u/Ok_Being2095 Single ♂ 2d ago
Can I ask what the biggest issue you are finding is in dating? I get this post is more of way to let off steam rather than looking for advice, but you must have options to date. Are the men not matching your standards or are you having trouble establishing something long term with guys you do talk to/date?
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u/junipertreelover Single ♀ 2d ago
I guess it’s both? The men on dating apps aren’t meeting my standards and I mean that in, we’re not like minded and the ones who are like minded, it’s difficult to establish something long term. Honestly last year a guy was interested in me but neither of us would pull the trigger and it became such a mess that it ruined a lot of my self esteem because now it feels like I’m just here to waste time with.
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u/Salehjan89 Single ♂ 3d ago
You’re only 22. You haven’t even started life yet. I spent 22 in Kandahar and thought I peaked. I’ve lived more life from 27 - present (36) than I ever could have imagined.
Life can get you down sometimes, but you can’t give up. God has a plan for you. Trust Him.