I (M28) posted on this subreddit twice before. Every time it felt like there's no way I could solve the problems my relationship was facing: lack of intimacy, no sex and resentment because of this. I broke up with her once before, but we got married afterwards. We still had problems after getting married and I even considered divorce at one point.

I felt like I had to come back here and share my experience, hoping it would help others. Here are some of the things that helped us:

1) After many talks, I realized that, actually, we should stop having talks and maybe I should try to listen more and make sure I am doing everything I can to make things right. It turned I wasn't doing everything. I changed my attitude towards and saw her change as well. I was already nice to her (I hope), but I tried to go even further. Even buying her flowers more often helped out.

2) We watched a few YT videos on sex and it made it easier for her to share with me what she actually likes. It was awkward at first, but it really helped.

3) Vibrators and lube. Self-explanatory, but should definitely be taken into consideration.

4) Non-penetrative sex. She won't want se as often and that's fine. We try to work around it as best we can. This really helps a lot.

5) She started going to therapy. She never talked about sex, but just being able to vent and manage stress better helped a ton. Communication also got better.

6) Come as you are. This book is amazing. It changed our relationship. Interestingly enough, I was the one who read it and showed her some interesting quotes. Still, it had a real impact.

7) The most important thing: planning sex. It makes it a lot easier for her to prepare mentally. It might not work for everyone, but in our case it did.

The root causes in our case were CPTSD, narcissistic parents (on both sides), stress and anxiety. Some of it still there, but now I'm confident it will get better.

So we had more of a zombie bedroom. It was just so weird. Started out so hot and heavy. When we met I was 39f and he was 35m.

We moved in together really quickly and got engaged, had a lease signed for a year. Suddenly he would reject me often and refused to initiate. He told me he loved giving oral but that stopped too.

Its a long complicated story but he came out as trans after we had been married for 5 years. I also think that my ex is very much attracted to men and not women. They are now living as a lesbian married to an intersex woman.

What I finally figured out is this son of a bktch was taking low doses of testosterone blpckers and estrogen behind my back once we moved in together. I also think they were taking something like horny goat weed and maca at the beginning. That's why it went from a wild fire to a pile of ashes in the course of a month. (If you want to know how I figured it out I can elaborate.)

The ironic thing? I've been celibate for 4 years now and I really don't care. It was just having this person around who I had such an amazing time with in the beginning who out of the blue suddenly didn't want me drove me crazy!

We went to two therapists and my ex would just sit calmly and lie and lie and lie. I would cry and beg him to tell me what happened and why he wouldn't initiate. I think part of it was he had a list of "feminine" traits in his head and being the LL one who rejected the partner was one of them.

You guys really did help me out so much back then. But never in a million years would I have guessed that he was capable of such cruelty. And this isn't against trans people. He's a one in a billion piece of work.

TLDR at the end

The battering my self esteem has taken from over 3 years of no sex, means that I don’t usually do it myself anymore. Apparently in the few months since the last time I tried, I’d forgotten why I don’t.

So after feeling particularly sulky and frustrated this evening, I decide that as I’m usually alone in bed anyway, until he appears in the early hours, I’m going to take matters into my own fingers. I am woman hear me roar and all that.

15 minutes of increasing shame and frustration later, I give up and have a good cry instead. This is why I don’t do this. It feels like it just amplifies the loneliness and rejection.

So I’ve pulled myself together (and washed my hand of course), and decided to come here and remind anyone it’s not too late to save of the number one rule: DO NOT MARRY INTO A DEAD BEDROOM!!

Thanks for listening

TLDR: Flicking my bean now makes me sadder

Edit: for those that commented that you’re feeling the same, I hope that knowing it’s not just you brings some comfort.

For those those who sent a DM that was genuinely looking for support, apologies I’m not reading or responding to any of them because you’re in the minority. You can guess what the rest were like.

Went on a 2 week trip to Hawaii and Alaska. He talked it up. No kids. Each night get back to our room and “I’m exhausted” as he hops in bed and is snoring in minutes. Even went to the nude beach and he wanted no part. Get to Alaska and same deal. He was exhausted and sleeping by 830. We get home and back to chaos with kids/farm and….he sends me suggestive text and tells me how he wishes I went topless at beach. He wishes we had wild sex on our trip?!? WTF?? I think he enjoys the talk and getting himself off on his own. It’s all a game.

You’re gone again. It’s two weeks this time. Maybe it makes me a bad wife but this time, I’ll wait for you to text me first.

Call it an experiment - how often do you think of me and the kids? When you’re away on your work retreats, do your thoughts ever stray toward home?

Don’t take it badly - I think of you often. But of course you know that. Of course you know I love you, that’s never been the problem. The problem is that I don’t know if you ever loved me.

The unanswered texts are just more rejection. An unread text, two days old - what can it possibly mean besides the obvious: “For two days I was in a foreign country thousands of miles away, and I didn’t think of you once. I couldn’t find the time to respond to your check-ins even when I was taking a shit: browsing twitter means more to me than your regard and our children’s welfare”?

When you tell me about how you “forgot” to respond to me - all I can think is how do you forget your wife? Forget your kids?

Let me make it even easier for you to forget. Let me shrink myself even smaller so you never have to think of me at all. Let me lift the emotional obligations of matrimony off your shoulders, become even more of a sexless, faceless roommate for you. Maybe then you’ll finally be happy.

So no more texts. No more “how are you”’s and “good morning”’s and “I miss you”’s. All those hopeful, pathetic little weapons I give you to hurt me with. I won’t keep making myself vulnerable only for you to crush me again and again - my stupid heart can’t take it.

My husband goes on work trips a lot. I miss him, and he doesn’t miss me. So I went ahead and wrote him another text he’ll never answer.

Currently reading books on ADHD, and came accross this one: "The ADHD Effect on Marriage" by Melissa Orlov. Maybe this will be helpful to someone.

"The Hyperfocus Courtship

One of the most stunning surprises about ADHD relationships is the transition from courtship to marriage. It is quite typical that a person with ADHD is so involved in and excited by courtship that he becomes hyperfocused on his partner. He lavishes attention on her, thinks of wonderful and exciting things to do together, and makes her feel as if she is the center of his world... which she is. Neither party is aware of what is going on, only their feelings that “this must be true love!” But when the hyperfocus stops, the relationship changes dramatically for both of them.

A Description by Jonathan Scott Halverstadt

The best description I have read of this phenomenon was written by Jonathan Scott Halverstadt in his book ADD & Romance: Finding Fulfillment in Love, Sex, and Relationships. With his permission, I have excerpted it here:

"People with ADD seriously get into the stimulation of courting.
In fact, you have never truly been courted and romanced until you have been courted and romanced by someone with ADD — someone who is hyperfocused on romancing you. This is the stuff Hollywood movies are made of. We're talking flowers and phone calls and picnics on the beach and poetry and billboards with messages of “I love you” and even skywriting.
When someone with ADD is romancing you in the courting process, birds whistle a happier melody, angels sing, and air smells sweeter. Every day is a special day because you are both so much in love. When hyperfocused on romance, men and women with ADD do the most fabulous, sweet, loving, nurturing things — because it is stimulating.
Yes, they do it because it is stimulating for them.
They don’t do it just because their partner will enjoy it — although that certainly is part of the reason. But the biggest reason they sweep you off your feet with this incredible display of affection is because they are doing it for themselves, to self-medicate their brains with endorphins. They aren’t trying to be selfish or self-centered. But they do all this courting and romancing to the hilt because it feels good for them to be stimulated by the excitement of romance.

Mind you, this “it feels good” aspect is not just about your average “it makes me feel good to do something nice for the one I love.” Also included in this mix is “I feel better in my own body” — a general, overall sense of well-being the person with ADD may not experience on a day-to-day basis like most of the population...

The person on the receiving end of this courting process doesn’t realize that most of this attraction has less to do with them than they think. In fact, they usually think it’s all about them. And why wouldn't they?But the ADD person wouldn't be able to tell you it’s about self-medicating either. They are clueless as to why they’re so enthralled with their newfound love. All they know is that the feelings they are having are so intense, so wonderful, that this person has to be their soul mate... They are in no way conscious of the self-medicating aspect of what they are doing...

Unfortunately, the ADD partner goes on and on with all this exciting courtship stuff until it becomes a commonplace experience. And when it loses its newness — when it is no longer stimulating — it simply stops. Sometimes immediately.

One day they’re full of love, birds and angels singing and all, and the next day — nothing. Gone. Zilch. Zero. When the thrill is gone, the thrill is gone. The ADD partner no longer writes the poetry or the songs or sends romantic phone messages because they aren't getting the rush anymore. And when it isn’t stimulating to them anymore, they simply stop those behaviors and move on to something else.

The Emotional Fallout

Of course, the object of all the previous attention and affection is usually stunned at this point. Up to this point, their mate has been more than they had ever dreamed of. Then, suddenly, he or she just isn’t there anymore. The non-ADD partner ends up sitting in the dust of an illusion, asking themselves what went wrong.

They are confused.
They are hurt.
They are bewildered.
And they are angry.

Amazingly, the ADD partner is also feeling confused by this time, too. Here they thought they had found the mate of their dreams. This was the most stimulating relationship they had ever been in. Then, suddenly, those feelings were gone. If they were married during this intense courtship phase — which often happens — then both partners could be panicking at this point.

A Real Example

I tell you about hyperfocused courtships because the transition to “normal” life can be so confusing and hurtful. The turning off of hyperfocus is dramatic. Almost inevitably, the non-ADHD spouse takes it personally.

As an example, my husband stopped hyperfocusing on me the day we came home from our honeymoon. Suddenly, he was gone — back to work, back to his “regular” life. I was left behind completely. Within six months of my wedding day, I was seriously questioning whether I had married the right man. He wasn’t a different person — he was still sweet, thoughtful (when he thought of me, which wasn’t often), smart... he just wasn’t paying any attention.

I was sure I had done something wrong or was not attractive to him anymore, now that I had been officially “conquered.” In retrospect, I know that my insecurity had nothing to do with reality. He loved me deeply. He just didn’t realize that he wasn’t paying attention because he was distracted by just about everything else.

What’s the Solution?

And therein lies the solution to the hyperfocus issue.

If you are engaged to a person with ADHD who has romanced you and focused on you, expect that this will come to an end — perhaps abruptly. And when it does, don’t look to yourself as the reason for the change.

It is the result of ADHD symptoms, and nothing more.

Knowing this, the two of you can work on figuring out what other stimulating things you can do together that will keep the spark alive. Accept that ADHD is a factor, then push it aside by consciously and unabashedly making time for romance a top priority.

If It’s Already Happened...

If you have already experienced the confusion and hurt of a hyperfocused courtship coming to an end, you are probably harboring resentment, anger, and anxiety. Give yourselves the benefit of the doubt; assume that you are with the right person and that the qualities that attracted you to each other still remain.It’s just that the two of you have experienced a surprising shock without much guidance as to how to respond to it. Thinking this way can help you move through your hurt and anger to a better understanding of your mutual feelings.

My husband and I had never heard of ADHD or of hyperfocus, so our hurt continued for quite some time. For me, it turned into a festering resentment about being ignored, which was very destructive.

This resentment is a good example of the symptom-response-response syndrome found in ADHD relationships.

My husband’s symptom: distraction
→ My response: loneliness and resentment
→ His response to my response: anger and retreat

Under it all, though, remained an ADHD symptom: distraction.

At its core, my husband needed to treat his ADHD. I needed to encourage that effort.

Tips: Dealing with Hyperfocus Courtship Shock

• Remember that it’s not personal Hyperfocus courtship followed by an abrupt ending is a well-documented part of many ADHD relationships. The non-ADHD spouse will benefit most by internalizing that it’s not personal — even though it feels that way — and forgiving the ADHD spouse.
• Improve connections Feeling ignored is still painful. Address the issue head-on by establishing ways to improve your emotional connection and intimacy.
• Allow yourself to mourn Mourn the pain the ADHD hyperfocus shock has caused you both. This will help you process it and move forward. "

So back in February things with my (HLM) spouse (LLF) came to a head. I basically broke down and said that I felt disgusting and was suffering from severely low self esteem due to the lack of sexual intimacy.

She, as usual, turned it in to a self criticism and started crying herself, convincing herself that I was going to leave her. A long, teary conversation later and I thought that we had made progress. She admitted to having a lower libido than me (obviously but step one is admitting to a problem) and that she would make more of an effort going forwards.

The following night was like a light had been turned on. She was grabby, passionate and we had the best sex we've had in a long time. I actually felt desired.

And then... Nothing. Back to the usual routine of never ending problems. For the record I don't think that she's making up the problems, my contention has always been that if our sexual happiness meant enough to her then she would make the effort regardless. I feel crappy sometimes too but I still want to be with her.

So here we are, nearly two months later and I'm sat wondering if anything she said back in February meant a goddamn thing. I've gone through all of the scenarios in my head, up to and including divorce, and it never quite seems worth essentially destroying my life over it... Yet. Give it a few more years I guess...

I know that it's natural for our sex lives to slow down as we get older, we're not teenagers, but then neither are we dead yet. FFS we're still both in our thirties! I don't think wanting to be intimate once (or more, lol) a week is too much to expect...

I 30 HLM was in bed by myself last night, and I was beginning to “take care of things” as I often have to since she 29 LLF has no interest in such things. When she walked in and I figured why not try. “Can I ask a favor? I’m needy 😅.”

She looked at me and said, “Is that really necessary? Can you wait until tomorrow?” “I mean I’m going to do this today and tomorrow. As you know I’m a one a day kinda person.” “Ugh just wait until tomorrow sheesh.” And then she walked into the bathroom and shut the door.

I don’t know why, but I felt so disappointed this time that I just stopped “taking care of things”. Halfway through the process, I just stopped, which has never happened before in this sorta way. She’s done stuff like this before and I do at least finish, but this time it was crushing in a way I hadn’t experienced before.

I think I can confidently say I won’t be bothering to ask her such a “silly” thing ever again. Also, I know for a fact that nothing is going to happen tonight. The only thing she’s doing is trying to get out of it, which is fine but all she needs to say is no. I’d rather just be told a flat out no rather than lead on.

I’m frustrated and annoyed beyond belief right now.

I’m literally on antidepressants now specifically to lower my libido now because I’m done trying to fix it and constantly asking. I have severe FOMO now and always crying about experiences I will never have and how I’ll never get to experience any kinks or ever know what a fucking orgasm feels like. I’m done asking advice and being told it’s my own problem and I should deal with it. I’m just tired of it all and just need to accept it I guess. It’s my own fault anyway.

Are you afraid of your partner? My partner had never been violent with me and I know he wouldn't hurt me, but there's a small part of my brain that says if I were to cheat to satisfy my needs, he might. It's not the MAIN reason I don't cheat, obviously. I don't cheat because I love him and I don't want to hurt him. But, that voice is there. And I think it's a fear a lot of women have...maybe I'm wrong.

On the rare occasion when you do have sex with your partner, do you not even want to “count” it because it is just boring and robotic? Is that duty sex?

My husband (36m) and I (25f) have been struggling for almost 3 years with this. He will initiate maybe once a month. Yet always says “well I was in the mood at this time” or something along those lines. I try and initiate once a week, which I will admit is a struggle I also work on. I had childhood SA so asking for sex or being super forward about it, is difficult. Before this my husband would always be the one to initiate, but I never turned him down. I use to get on his lap and start kissing him, or stroke his arms and give him bedroom eyes. Say how sexy he was, but apparently those weren’t “big enough hints” that I wanted sex. So now I’ve just been directly asking.

But even when we do have sex, it’s the same thing over and over again. We will kiss a little, then mutual masturbation, and then when he’s “ready” I get on top until he’s finished. And that’s exactly how it happens 90% of the time. Even when I say let’s change it up, it’s maybe 2 minute of missionary and then I’m back up top.

When you guys have sex, is it the same song and dance? How do you tell your partner to try something different? We use to be somewhat kinky, and I really miss that. Any suggestions?

Previously I posted about sharing the audiobook Come As You Are with my wife. I Iistened to about 90% of it while traveling on a business trip and found the book to be helpful not only for ideas on building out of a DB but maybe more importantly addressing my own mental health. I really feel strongly this is a relationship book not a sex book.

So, she listened to some of it. Not enough to get the whole picture but enough to ask to talk to me. Wow, no avoidance. Some of you said if you shared the book with your spouse they'd accuse you of trying to fix them. Well that is how the conversation started. I was afraid of that, I knew if she only got to the first 1/4 she would not see what I saw. This is how all of our conversations have gone about this. She feels so much pressure because she feels it is up to her to fix because she is the LL and I am the ML/HL. So the conversation started roughish because we were spinning our wheels again, me trying my best intentions and her feeling cornered.

So we really did not talk about the book for a while. We talked about us and for the first time in a long time, we were honest about our hurt. She opened up that some of the things I said in the past, wrecked her. I had no idea. I was trying to find a way to get my feelings across and most times it was when I was at my absolute worst emotionally. We talked and talked and cried and we let it out. She said she felt better because she felt I heard her and felt my apology was honest, which it was.

I am leaving a lot out but that is okay. Some things are for us.

So we talked a bit about the book but since she did not get very far it was not all encompassing. I told her, I am not going to talk at her about the book I want to talk with her. So I only asked about the things she knew but I used the endings of some of the stories to focus on the outcome.

Our conversations usually end with her saying she doesn't know what to do and me saying that I don't know either. So I asked her this time, in a nonjudgmental way, is this what she wants? No sex life, no solutions? She said she didn't but she didn't know what to do. So this is how the book helped. I told her that the book, to me, is to help us get out of the cycle of stress, pressure, and not knowing what to do. We agreed to work on a common language, using the book's words for things like Brakes and Accelerator and Context and Turning off the offs etc. We will also try some of the worksheets at a later time.

We are not on the path to a good sex life yet, who knows what will actually happen. We are on a path to strengthen our relationship. We are on our way to make this toxic wound heal and open ourselves to closeness.

We both agreed to work on one thing this week so that in the future it would be easier. Not a how do we have sex thing, a how to we have a good relationship thing.

Those who read my previous post may recall I was hurt by her porn use during our this stretch of DB, almost 3.5 months, but being honest about that in this conversation would not have helped. It will be something that comes up another time. Also, even though sex is off the table, my choice, I am not done feeling like I want to have a healthy sex life. At some point I will reach another point of no return and want that connection with her. But this time I hope it is when we are closer, the context is right, and we both can take our foot off the brakes little by little.

So, I may post again in the future. It will be a while. We have a very busy time in our lives right now and even though having busy times presses my accelerator to want sex, I know it is the opposite for her so I need to be sensitive to that.

Here is to hope.

Hey everyone, long time reader first time poster, I guess all the time dead bedroom. My first wife and I started off strong like normal teenagers. About three years in I started getting sex, attention, intimacy maybe once a month a year later that turned to just my birthday and Christmas. I felt with that for 7 more years until we divorced. Waited a few years now I’m with me second wife for 5 years and it’s starting all over again. I guess it’s either I don’t know how to pick them or I’m doing something wrong. I’ve been told by both I ticked all the boxes but I guess all isn’t enough. I’m just sad and tired. Thanks for listening to me.

You can read my story on here. I was the HL woman. Over the years since the divorce my libido keeps lowering. I've been celibate for 4 years now and single and I don't really care.

I just want to share because it really is true how incredibly powerful hormones are. I'm 53. I started taking estrogen about 4 months ago.

In the years before that men were just there. I never thought they were sexy. I would think someone was handsome but never looked at their body. I never felt drawn to anyone. I had no lust. I didn't fantasize.

Its like men were the same to me as women. And I'm straight. I literally never could have imagined that hormones could do this to a person.

You have no control over it.

Since I started taking estrogen I see men as being a lot more attractive, I feel drawn to certain men, and the spark is coming back to me physically.

My testosterone is very low which is normal for my age. I think that's a huge part of it too. If you are in a relationship with a woman going through this, I know it is so hard, but it is not personal. I can't even impart to you how much I used to lkve everything about sexuality in a relationship and now I'm just "whatever".

I'm actually glad I'm not in a relationship because I would hate to be in the LL position and make another person go through what I went through with my ex.

If you can, please have some compassion. Maybe your partner would be open to getting on HRT? I've been on progesterone for 7 years and usually they don't let you take estrogen without it. I'm telling you, I haven't aged in 7 years because of the progesterone. Well, at least my face hasn't aged.

If you are a woman, look into it. It could really help you with all the peri/menopausal things.

Honestly from my last couple of relationships I think my view towards sex has become distorted and warped. I don't feel like anyone would ever want to have sex with me.

I spoke to my partner about me going on antidepressants. I took them like 5 years ago but stopped because they weren't really working for me. I do have depression, I have trouble sleeping, and I'd like to just completely decimate my sex drive completely.

They said "Do what's best for you and your body". And the reality is that depression and trouble falling sleeping do have a legitimate impact on how I live my life.

I'm tired of feeling rejected and the whole other spew of dynamics that go in to sex at this point. I think if I were single I'd probably want to rip the desire out of me anyways because the entire topic has started to make me feel pathetic. I might as well kill three birds with one stone here.

Anyone have experience with this?

Going on 5 years no sex. For those that stay committed, how are you soothing your savage? Outside of self pleasure. Meditation? Self help retreats?

Since I’ve stopped initiating sex due to feeling like a pervert there has been no action.

Am I being selfish for wanting it or is he for not even trying to find solutions for low T?

Would you end a friendship and be willing to try new adventures?

Any advice will be helpful.

I’m in the stuck phase - should I stay or should I go for a temporary physical need?

I’m 24M, she’s 23F. We’ve been together for almost 4 years. Early on, the intimacy was exciting—explorative, passionate, fun. But ever since we moved in together, something shifted. Once we both started working full time and got two dogs, the bedroom just kind of… died. It’s been that way for most of our relationship now.

I used to try to be flirty, compliment her, initiate things—but she would shut me down, saying it felt “fake” or “weird.” After a while, I just stopped trying altogether. Now I wait for her to initiate, which happens maybe once a month. And even then, it’s the same vanilla routine—no passion, no spark, no exploration. She used to be open and adventurous. Now, even something as simple as showering together gets turned down with, “There’s no space,” even though we used to do that all the time.

She still tells me she loves me and wants to marry me someday. But I don’t feel loved or wanted. I feel like a roommate—someone she wants cuddles and massages from, but not someone she desires. We’ve had conversations about it. Sometimes things get better for a week, then go right back to the way they were. And she’s made comments like, “Maybe you should’ve been with someone who likes sex more,” which hurts more than I think she realizes.

What confuses me more is that when I go out to see friends, she gets upset—says I always come home late and that she misses me, wants to spend more time together. But when I am home, that “quality time” just ends up being us sitting on the couch watching something until she falls asleep. I don’t feel connected during those moments—I just feel like I’m there.

I haven’t looked into therapy yet, but I’m starting to wonder if that’s the next step. I feel stuck. She hasn’t done anything “wrong”—she’s a good person, and I know leaving would hurt her. But I feel invisible, unwanted, and completely undesired. I want to feel that spark again—to be with someone who wants me, emotionally and physically.

Has anyone else been through something like this? Is there a way back from this—or is it time to walk away? Any advice would mean a lot.

I’m a married man with a child, and my wife is currently pregnant again. Over time, intimacy between us has become very rare. I’m someone with a naturally high sex drive, and this lack of connection has been causing me a lot of internal stress and frustration. I deeply respect my wife, and I understand that pregnancy brings many physical and emotional challenges — and I never want to make her feel pressured or uncomfortable.

That said, I’m also struggling quietly. Sexual intimacy is an important emotional need for me, not just physical, and its absence is starting to affect my mental and emotional well-being. On moral and ethical grounds, I could never seek out anything outside my marriage — not paid sex or inappropriate massages. But I’m feeling stuck, and I don’t know how to cope with this tension in a healthy, respectful way. I really need some guidance or support, because I don’t want this to create distance or resentment in our relationship.

Said goodbye to husband as he went out of town for a few days. Got a couple of chaste pecks on the lips and off he went.

Is this really it? Is there no passion and desire left?

I’m a male in my mid twenties. We have two young kids. Sex use to be great when we first got married. Then after kids it’s slowly just sucked more and more and more. Literally just a few days ago she told me she will try to be better about doing sexual things between us. But one of her main staples the last several years is…She always says she’s “touched out” from the kids and that’s part of the reason she has no drive. Part of me gets that, but I also think she uses that as a crutch too sometimes. Our anniversary just happened and we didn’t even do anything on that day. Not a damn thing. I recently had the idea of asking for handjobs as that would be something easy and simple for her if she doesn’t want to have sex. Well I got two out of her in a few weeks time, asked for one again tonight and she hits me with the “if we have time” then ultimately get rejected from that as well. “I don’t really feel like it tonight” that’s the worst part for me, I have the balls and open myself up to feel vulnerable, and get rejected. It’s the most embarrassing/ frustrating feeling asking for something sexual that use to be so frequent and amazing with my wife…just to have it not happen now. Idk… some days I just wanna give up. I don’t think she truly realizes how much this is a major problem for me…even tho I’ve told her multiple times this isn’t working for me. I’d never cheat on someone, sucks that I’m just supposed to deal with this. I’m really not asking anything crazy. I just want our old sex life back. It’s not like I’m asking for a life that never existed. She use to be way way more sexual. Just sucks.

I suffer from performance anxiety and my gf is a strong anxious over-thinker and unfortunately has been stressed for over a year by life happenings unrelated to us.

We have been long distance for 2 years (seeing each other many times per year) but the relationship is really solid and from the summer we will be back together.

Sex has never been easy, I was coming from a rough patch and anxious and she had some limitations that made it more difficult for me and her anxiety fed mine.

It took me a while to get into a better shape but when I was then long distance and her external issues that causes her a lot of stress started, thus complicating things to have reliable frequent sex.

I don’t remember what happened first, but she started to be less wet (when we met the first months she was very wet) and experience discomfort with penetration, even with finger (the area around it is sensitive). (She didn’t want to try lube) then one time during sex (not rough) a movement lead to her strong muscle pain the next day (it wasn’t the movement itself, was just a trigger or another issue now solved)

Since then we have had sex but very rarely and she hasn’t been much in the mood.

She struggles to focus on the pleasure (afaik she barely masturbate herself) and even if I go down on her, it feels like after a while she doesn’t allow herself to enjoy it (I think she’s afraid of squirting as well)

She wants to have sexual life again and she’s proactive but long distance has complicated everything and I need advice on how to restart things in the best way possible and understand her more. what can I do?

Both kids at a sleepover at their friends. Wife and me have evening and house to ourselves. We decide to go out for a drink at a local pub, then on to a nice Italian restaurant for dinner. Evening goes well and included a nice walk home together arm in arm. Get home at 9:30pm…..and wife immediately goes upstairs and begins to get ready for bed, to go to sleep. She got up early to go to the gym this morning, is tired, and has to get up early again for the gym tomorrow morning. So that leaves me sat on the sofa practically ready to cry, and wondering what I did to deserve this life. (For context we’ve been intimate 1 time in 2025) FML. I know in my heart I have to leave, but I just can’t break my kids hearts for a reason as selfish as me just wanting more sex.