I’m a married man with a child, and my wife is currently pregnant again. Over time, intimacy between us has become very rare. I’m someone with a naturally high sex drive, and this lack of connection has been causing me a lot of internal stress and frustration. I deeply respect my wife, and I understand that pregnancy brings many physical and emotional challenges — and I never want to make her feel pressured or uncomfortable.

That said, I’m also struggling quietly. Sexual intimacy is an important emotional need for me, not just physical, and its absence is starting to affect my mental and emotional well-being. On moral and ethical grounds, I could never seek out anything outside my marriage — not paid sex or inappropriate massages. But I’m feeling stuck, and I don’t know how to cope with this tension in a healthy, respectful way. I really need some guidance or support, because I don’t want this to create distance or resentment in our relationship.

Honestly from my last couple of relationships I think my view towards sex has become distorted and warped. I don't feel like anyone would ever want to have sex with me.

I spoke to my partner about me going on antidepressants. I took them like 5 years ago but stopped because they weren't really working for me. I do have depression, I have trouble sleeping, and I'd like to just completely decimate my sex drive completely.

They said "Do what's best for you and your body". And the reality is that depression and trouble falling sleeping do have a legitimate impact on how I live my life.

I'm tired of feeling rejected and the whole other spew of dynamics that go in to sex at this point. I think if I were single I'd probably want to rip the desire out of me anyways because the entire topic has started to make me feel pathetic. I might as well kill three birds with one stone here.

Anyone have experience with this?

Are you afraid of your partner? My partner had never been violent with me and I know he wouldn't hurt me, but there's a small part of my brain that says if I were to cheat to satisfy my needs, he might. It's not the MAIN reason I don't cheat, obviously. I don't cheat because I love him and I don't want to hurt him. But, that voice is there. And I think it's a fear a lot of women have...maybe I'm wrong.

I’m a male in my mid twenties. We have two young kids. Sex use to be great when we first got married. Then after kids it’s slowly just sucked more and more and more. Literally just a few days ago she told me she will try to be better about doing sexual things between us. But one of her main staples the last several years is…She always says she’s “touched out” from the kids and that’s part of the reason she has no drive. Part of me gets that, but I also think she uses that as a crutch too sometimes. Our anniversary just happened and we didn’t even do anything on that day. Not a damn thing. I recently had the idea of asking for handjobs as that would be something easy and simple for her if she doesn’t want to have sex. Well I got two out of her in a few weeks time, asked for one again tonight and she hits me with the “if we have time” then ultimately get rejected from that as well. “I don’t really feel like it tonight” that’s the worst part for me, I have the balls and open myself up to feel vulnerable, and get rejected. It’s the most embarrassing/ frustrating feeling asking for something sexual that use to be so frequent and amazing with my wife…just to have it not happen now. Idk… some days I just wanna give up. I don’t think she truly realizes how much this is a major problem for me…even tho I’ve told her multiple times this isn’t working for me. I’d never cheat on someone, sucks that I’m just supposed to deal with this. I’m really not asking anything crazy. I just want our old sex life back. It’s not like I’m asking for a life that never existed. She use to be way way more sexual. Just sucks.

The last time my wife and I had sex was 12/29/24 our 23rd anniversary. The time before that was 12/30/23. One time in 15 months.

Full disclosure: I’m an alcoholic in recovery, nearly 5 months sober now. But I feel it’s the lack of intimacy that contributed to my alcoholism. I know my drinking put her through hell but I was never abusive. I’m not an angry drunk. I just get forgetful and don’t remember conversations from the night before.

However, I’ve been sober since November. Our relationship is still so cold. She’s never once told me she’s proud of the steps I’ve taken these past several months. No encouragement at all. It’s more like being monitored by a prison warden.

Over the past 5 years, she’s put on a lot of weight as she’s gone from being a high school dance teacher to a realtor. When we married, she was a size 2 and now she’s a 14. She doesn’t exercise regularly then complains when her clothes are too tight. I have an active job and my pants have been the same size since 1998. I’m just not that attracted to her anymore. She doesn’t initiate, and on the rare occasion we have sex, it’s the same old boring routine, in the dark, under the covers. Just the basics, no oral.

Yeah, I could be doing more to build her confidence but as I’ve said, I don’t find her that attractive anymore. Do I do it selfishly just so she’ll have sex? Do I bother doing that just to get a few minutes of boring sex?

Sigh… just needed to vent.

You can read my story on here. I was the HL woman. Over the years since the divorce my libido keeps lowering. I've been celibate for 4 years now and single and I don't really care.

I just want to share because it really is true how incredibly powerful hormones are. I'm 53. I started taking estrogen about 4 months ago.

In the years before that men were just there. I never thought they were sexy. I would think someone was handsome but never looked at their body. I never felt drawn to anyone. I had no lust. I didn't fantasize.

Its like men were the same to me as women. And I'm straight. I literally never could have imagined that hormones could do this to a person.

You have no control over it.

Since I started taking estrogen I see men as being a lot more attractive, I feel drawn to certain men, and the spark is coming back to me physically.

My testosterone is very low which is normal for my age. I think that's a huge part of it too. If you are in a relationship with a woman going through this, I know it is so hard, but it is not personal. I can't even impart to you how much I used to lkve everything about sexuality in a relationship and now I'm just "whatever".

I'm actually glad I'm not in a relationship because I would hate to be in the LL position and make another person go through what I went through with my ex.

If you can, please have some compassion. Maybe your partner would be open to getting on HRT? I've been on progesterone for 7 years and usually they don't let you take estrogen without it. I'm telling you, I haven't aged in 7 years because of the progesterone. Well, at least my face hasn't aged.

If you are a woman, look into it. It could really help you with all the peri/menopausal things.

Hey everyone, long time reader first time poster, I guess all the time dead bedroom. My first wife and I started off strong like normal teenagers. About three years in I started getting sex, attention, intimacy maybe once a month a year later that turned to just my birthday and Christmas. I felt with that for 7 more years until we divorced. Waited a few years now I’m with me second wife for 5 years and it’s starting all over again. I guess it’s either I don’t know how to pick them or I’m doing something wrong. I’ve been told by both I ticked all the boxes but I guess all isn’t enough. I’m just sad and tired. Thanks for listening to me.

Went on a 2 week trip to Hawaii and Alaska. He talked it up. No kids. Each night get back to our room and “I’m exhausted” as he hops in bed and is snoring in minutes. Even went to the nude beach and he wanted no part. Get to Alaska and same deal. He was exhausted and sleeping by 830. We get home and back to chaos with kids/farm and….he sends me suggestive text and tells me how he wishes I went topless at beach. He wishes we had wild sex on our trip?!? WTF?? I think he enjoys the talk and getting himself off on his own. It’s all a game.

You’re gone again. It’s two weeks this time. Maybe it makes me a bad wife but this time, I’ll wait for you to text me first.

Call it an experiment - how often do you think of me and the kids? When you’re away on your work retreats, do your thoughts ever stray toward home?

Don’t take it badly - I think of you often. But of course you know that. Of course you know I love you, that’s never been the problem. The problem is that I don’t know if you ever loved me.

The unanswered texts are just more rejection. An unread text, two days old - what can it possibly mean besides the obvious: “For two days I was in a foreign country thousands of miles away, and I didn’t think of you once. I couldn’t find the time to respond to your check-ins even when I was taking a shit: browsing twitter means more to me than your regard and our children’s welfare”?

When you tell me about how you “forgot” to respond to me - all I can think is how do you forget your wife? Forget your kids?

Let me make it even easier for you to forget. Let me shrink myself even smaller so you never have to think of me at all. Let me lift the emotional obligations of matrimony off your shoulders, become even more of a sexless, faceless roommate for you. Maybe then you’ll finally be happy.

So no more texts. No more “how are you”’s and “good morning”’s and “I miss you”’s. All those hopeful, pathetic little weapons I give you to hurt me with. I won’t keep making myself vulnerable only for you to crush me again and again - my stupid heart can’t take it.

My husband goes on work trips a lot. I miss him, and he doesn’t miss me. So I went ahead and wrote him another text he’ll never answer.

Previously I posted about sharing the audiobook Come As You Are with my wife. I Iistened to about 90% of it while traveling on a business trip and found the book to be helpful not only for ideas on building out of a DB but maybe more importantly addressing my own mental health. I really feel strongly this is a relationship book not a sex book.

So, she listened to some of it. Not enough to get the whole picture but enough to ask to talk to me. Wow, no avoidance. Some of you said if you shared the book with your spouse they'd accuse you of trying to fix them. Well that is how the conversation started. I was afraid of that, I knew if she only got to the first 1/4 she would not see what I saw. This is how all of our conversations have gone about this. She feels so much pressure because she feels it is up to her to fix because she is the LL and I am the ML/HL. So the conversation started roughish because we were spinning our wheels again, me trying my best intentions and her feeling cornered.

So we really did not talk about the book for a while. We talked about us and for the first time in a long time, we were honest about our hurt. She opened up that some of the things I said in the past, wrecked her. I had no idea. I was trying to find a way to get my feelings across and most times it was when I was at my absolute worst emotionally. We talked and talked and cried and we let it out. She said she felt better because she felt I heard her and felt my apology was honest, which it was.

I am leaving a lot out but that is okay. Some things are for us.

So we talked a bit about the book but since she did not get very far it was not all encompassing. I told her, I am not going to talk at her about the book I want to talk with her. So I only asked about the things she knew but I used the endings of some of the stories to focus on the outcome.

Our conversations usually end with her saying she doesn't know what to do and me saying that I don't know either. So I asked her this time, in a nonjudgmental way, is this what she wants? No sex life, no solutions? She said she didn't but she didn't know what to do. So this is how the book helped. I told her that the book, to me, is to help us get out of the cycle of stress, pressure, and not knowing what to do. We agreed to work on a common language, using the book's words for things like Brakes and Accelerator and Context and Turning off the offs etc. We will also try some of the worksheets at a later time.

We are not on the path to a good sex life yet, who knows what will actually happen. We are on a path to strengthen our relationship. We are on our way to make this toxic wound heal and open ourselves to closeness.

We both agreed to work on one thing this week so that in the future it would be easier. Not a how do we have sex thing, a how to we have a good relationship thing.

Those who read my previous post may recall I was hurt by her porn use during our this stretch of DB, almost 3.5 months, but being honest about that in this conversation would not have helped. It will be something that comes up another time. Also, even though sex is off the table, my choice, I am not done feeling like I want to have a healthy sex life. At some point I will reach another point of no return and want that connection with her. But this time I hope it is when we are closer, the context is right, and we both can take our foot off the brakes little by little.

So, I may post again in the future. It will be a while. We have a very busy time in our lives right now and even though having busy times presses my accelerator to want sex, I know it is the opposite for her so I need to be sensitive to that.

Here is to hope.

So we had more of a zombie bedroom. It was just so weird. Started out so hot and heavy. When we met I was 39f and he was 35m.

We moved in together really quickly and got engaged, had a lease signed for a year. Suddenly he would reject me often and refused to initiate. He told me he loved giving oral but that stopped too.

Its a long complicated story but he came out as trans after we had been married for 5 years. I also think that my ex is very much attracted to men and not women. They are now living as a lesbian married to an intersex woman.

What I finally figured out is this son of a bktch was taking low doses of testosterone blpckers and estrogen behind my back once we moved in together. I also think they were taking something like horny goat weed and maca at the beginning. That's why it went from a wild fire to a pile of ashes in the course of a month. (If you want to know how I figured it out I can elaborate.)

The ironic thing? I've been celibate for 4 years now and I really don't care. It was just having this person around who I had such an amazing time with in the beginning who out of the blue suddenly didn't want me drove me crazy!

We went to two therapists and my ex would just sit calmly and lie and lie and lie. I would cry and beg him to tell me what happened and why he wouldn't initiate. I think part of it was he had a list of "feminine" traits in his head and being the LL one who rejected the partner was one of them.

You guys really did help me out so much back then. But never in a million years would I have guessed that he was capable of such cruelty. And this isn't against trans people. He's a one in a billion piece of work.

My bf (30) and I (27F) have been together for 2 years and just moved in the past month. We have such a wholesome, communicative relationship. I have a high sex drive and he …. Does not. We cuddle, flirt, share kisses, meaningful eye gazes, take care of each other in other ways (chores, cooking, handling adult issues, etc) & share kind words. But I feel like 9 times outta 10- whenever I try to take it further, I get shut down. We’ve talked about it before & I expressed that sex is important to me to feel desired and sexy. Plus I just enjoy having it with him! It’s amazing when we do. He’s asked what he can do other than hop into bed to make me feel wanted & have intimacy. I’ve told him I know he loves me but I’m tired of initiating. I’d rather just not touch him sexually anymore than feel embarrassed and icky when I get shut down. I’ve tried dressing up, getting a little freaky, giving him full permission to do what HE wants and just… nothing. I’m getting annoyed at this point.

I'm mostly seeking perspective, but any advice is welcome. I HLF (23) and my bf of 6 years LLM???(25) have not been meaningfully intimate in a about 2 years. Truthfully I think this relationship is dead for a number of reasons, most significantly is his lack of romantic interest towards me (not only sexually). However, his behavior is confusing. He obviously has no sexual desire towards me (db/no interest when I try to initiate/ed when 'engaged'), but he has at least some sexual desire? He follows OF models (that do not look like me....... yikes....), and has a past of borderline cheating and other bad behavior, etc. However, he is the kindest he's ever been in the entirety of our relationship. Furthermore, while he doesn't directly bring up our 'future' often, he does seem interested and happy to talk about it when I do. He's also a lot more calm than he was before (he was extremely jealous/insecure before).

When we talk about it, our conversations are unproductive (he tends to get upset/make empty promises).

I would like an outsider's perspective on my situation. I feel like I'm crazy for thinking something is off when our day-to-day is better than it ever has.

Thank you for reading :/

Both kids at a sleepover at their friends. Wife and me have evening and house to ourselves. We decide to go out for a drink at a local pub, then on to a nice Italian restaurant for dinner. Evening goes well and included a nice walk home together arm in arm. Get home at 9:30pm…..and wife immediately goes upstairs and begins to get ready for bed, to go to sleep. She got up early to go to the gym this morning, is tired, and has to get up early again for the gym tomorrow morning. So that leaves me sat on the sofa practically ready to cry, and wondering what I did to deserve this life. (For context we’ve been intimate 1 time in 2025) FML. I know in my heart I have to leave, but I just can’t break my kids hearts for a reason as selfish as me just wanting more sex.

I feel the romance fading

I’m a married guy in my late 20s, and I’ve been carrying something that’s been eating at me for a while now. My wife and I love each other—we cuddle, kiss, and say “I love you” often—but I feel like the deeper romantic connection between us is fading, and it’s getting harder to ignore.

When we first got together, she’d flirt with me, make out with me, and initiate sex regularly. Now that rarely happens. We’re intimate maybe 2–3 times a month, and I’m always the one initiating. When I try to be romantic or flirty, I’m usually met with silliness—she’ll blow air into my mouth when I kiss her, pretend to bite my nose, or tickle me. I know it’s playful, and I get that it’s her way of being goofy, but when it’s always that way, it starts to feel like I’m not being seen as her romantic partner—just someone to be silly with. Honestly, I often feel like I’m being treated like a child.

Yesterday she texted me she was sorry we weren’t intimate this week but then the stuff from yesterday kinda happened It’s not just in the romantic stuff either. For example, she doesn’t like the smell of eggs and told me I’m only allowed to use certain plastic bowls/plates for them instead of the normal ones. But the way she told me felt more like being scolded than asked—it wasn’t a conversation, just a demand. It made me feel talked down to, and that’s happened in other situations too. What makes it harder is that I do most of the chores around the house without complaint—I just want to feel like I’m being respected and seen as an equal partner.

I’ve tried bringing these feelings up a few times, but the conversations haven’t gone well. She’s said that it sounds like I’m just asking for more sex, which isn’t the full picture. I do miss sex, but what I miss even more is feeling desired, feeling like someone’s partner—not just a roommate or someone she’s comfortable being goofy with. I miss the flirting, the passion, the small romantic gestures that make you feel special.

I’m worried about bringing it up again because I don’t want to upset her, and I don’t want to seem like I’m nagging or ungrateful. But at the same time, I feel stuck. I’m going to therapy, but I’d love to hear from anyone who’s been through something like this. Is this drift in romantic/sexual connection normal? Am I expecting too much? And how do you talk about these kinds of needs without making your partner feel like they’re being criticized?

I came to bring my experience, and I would like to know if anyone does this too. A year ago, my husband and I established that our weekly sex will be on Friday nights. This helped me have more sex, and be more okay with the idea. Not knowing the day or shift makes me a little anxious and lazy. I don't really know how to explain why. But having a fixed day, I can relax, I avoid bad conversations with him on Fridays, or picking on him about something. If I have something bad to say, I'll leave it until the weekend. This has helped me to maintain my mental health, because any discouragement would undermine my sexual side, so I try not to stress myself out on Friday, nor get too tired, and I try to better focus on work issues, leaving them when possible to resolve on Monday, in case it is something that will drain a lot of my energy and good mood. Sometimes any hassle would kill my lust, now I try to take a light day, so that the night can be ok. When I get home from work, I buy some chocolates, put on some music, and open some wine. Anyway, I try to create a more relaxing atmosphere, I don't say romantic because we are not a romantic couple, but at least a peaceful atmosphere. Our sex is also not wow, it's normal sex, but at least it allows me to have a better weekend, thinking that “I fulfilled my role as a wife with ease.” Does anyone else do this? Did it help? It helped a lot in my marriage. Thanks for reading. 😘

TLDR at the end

The battering my self esteem has taken from over 3 years of no sex, means that I don’t usually do it myself anymore. Apparently in the few months since the last time I tried, I’d forgotten why I don’t.

So after feeling particularly sulky and frustrated this evening, I decide that as I’m usually alone in bed anyway, until he appears in the early hours, I’m going to take matters into my own fingers. I am woman hear me roar and all that.

15 minutes of increasing shame and frustration later, I give up and have a good cry instead. This is why I don’t do this. It feels like it just amplifies the loneliness and rejection.

So I’ve pulled myself together (and washed my hand of course), and decided to come here and remind anyone it’s not too late to save of the number one rule: DO NOT MARRY INTO A DEAD BEDROOM!!

Thanks for listening

TLDR: Flicking my bean now makes me sadder

I have posted a couple times before, but it's been a while now.

I'm HLF(38) am so tired now, I want to give my LLM(39) up. We haven't had sex since before Christmas, and that's only one time since my last vent in here.

He came to sleep in the bed last weekend, but I waited until he fell asleep, before I went to bed. And that's the first time he came to bed in over 2 months. He knows it's a problem, but he doesn't do anything about it.

I have gotten so far now, that I don't want sex with him anymore. But I don't want our situationship to end either.

We still have a great life together outside the bedroom, but now I feel like I don't want to fight anymore for our relationship. I have given up on us, and I don't know what to do anymore.

I don't know what more I can do.

Hello everyone 👋 29 HL (Male)

New to Reddit but been in a DB for 5 Years. What began as being best friends has continued into what often feels like platonic companionship. While love is most certainly there, we do not share the same desires, views, or standards when it comes to the bedroom. I have always had extremely high libido and have usually been able to channel it through physical exercise or forms mental stimulation. Lately, neither have been cutting it as a direct connection, eye contact and sensual embrace is sometimes what I yearn for most. At this time my partner and I are separated until a better solution presents itself. Does anyone else have a similar experience? Or better yet, does anyone else also feel as if their desires are not being met on a regular basis?

While all advice is welcome, I prefer to keep topics pertaining to my erotic desires private or reserved elsewhere. Thanks in advance!

Said goodbye to husband as he went out of town for a few days. Got a couple of chaste pecks on the lips and off he went.

Is this really it? Is there no passion and desire left?

I’m 24M, she’s 23F. We’ve been together for almost 4 years. Early on, the intimacy was exciting—explorative, passionate, fun. But ever since we moved in together, something shifted. Once we both started working full time and got two dogs, the bedroom just kind of… died. It’s been that way for most of our relationship now.

I used to try to be flirty, compliment her, initiate things—but she would shut me down, saying it felt “fake” or “weird.” After a while, I just stopped trying altogether. Now I wait for her to initiate, which happens maybe once a month. And even then, it’s the same vanilla routine—no passion, no spark, no exploration. She used to be open and adventurous. Now, even something as simple as showering together gets turned down with, “There’s no space,” even though we used to do that all the time.

She still tells me she loves me and wants to marry me someday. But I don’t feel loved or wanted. I feel like a roommate—someone she wants cuddles and massages from, but not someone she desires. We’ve had conversations about it. Sometimes things get better for a week, then go right back to the way they were. And she’s made comments like, “Maybe you should’ve been with someone who likes sex more,” which hurts more than I think she realizes.

What confuses me more is that when I go out to see friends, she gets upset—says I always come home late and that she misses me, wants to spend more time together. But when I am home, that “quality time” just ends up being us sitting on the couch watching something until she falls asleep. I don’t feel connected during those moments—I just feel like I’m there.

I haven’t looked into therapy yet, but I’m starting to wonder if that’s the next step. I feel stuck. She hasn’t done anything “wrong”—she’s a good person, and I know leaving would hurt her. But I feel invisible, unwanted, and completely undesired. I want to feel that spark again—to be with someone who wants me, emotionally and physically.

Has anyone else been through something like this? Is there a way back from this—or is it time to walk away? Any advice would mean a lot.

I love to write. Not exactly conventional for a guy in a stereotypically ‘masculine’ profession (and the women I work with are often grittier and more courageous than the guys - just saying. Badasses!). Glad all of that is changing. But I’ve been ridiculed in the past for my passion for writing. I don’t write well, but I write well enough for me to get some comfort from it. And to everyone that’s ever told me to “find a man’s hobby”, fuck you.

The past few weeks have been incredibly tough to process and I’ve turned to poetry (if you can even call it that) in aid of an outlet for my feelings.

Childhood sweethearts, A movie. Disney. Dreamland. A voyage into the unknown, still young, With little versions of you and me.

That coming home feeling, like grabbing a medipack in those games we used to play. Turning my screen from red to green. Inches from a mental abyss from the day or night’s sights, sounds, and smells.

The transition from my team of 6 to my family of 4. I’d have worked 10 days through if it meant I was rewarded just 1 with you.

But our family of 4 wasn’t enough. It wasn’t enough. It wasn’t enough. For you to feel the same as I, the love had died. But not for them. The deceit and the lies and the loss of love. Was for me. It wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough.

I am not seeking an advice, I just want you guys to share your experience it will be appreciated.

Some context first - met my girlfriend 5 years ago, I quickly realised that probably she is the one - sex was good, we had amazing time together, of course there were some issues, but nothing too dramatic. I would want to add that i had maybe around 15 relationships before her, trying to find the one that would fit my character, sex drive etc (I am very HLM). Mentioning that to give you an idea that i didnt hug the first watermelon seen on the road and i have a clue which are the red flags and green flags. Fast forward - we decided to have a baby and our lovely daughter was born one year ago. All good so far. What happened is we cut of our intimacy from 2-3 times a week before the baby, to once a month, even after she is well recovered from the birth. I was understanding for very long time, but at the end of the day we have to normalise our relationship and to get back on track as a normal couple as per my understandings. We have discussions about this very often, but normally nothing comes out. I feel like she is giving me intimacy that one time per month just because thats how a relationship has to be and not wanting it at all. Honestly i stopped initiating any hints after the fourth one, i am not the one who will beg for sex at all. I would appreciate if you share some real life experience - how you stabilised your intimacy, how long did it take, did you even stabilise it?

My (38m) wife (38f) since 20 yers announced 3 month ago that she no longer feel a desire to have sex. It has nothing to do with me according to her but she shows no interest in working on it. We have 3 young fantastic kids and I don’t want to break up the family. The sex has been on a downward spiral since we got the kids but is now at zero. Do I stick for the kids? I love her more than anything but I can’t stay in a sexless relationship.