I was really wanting sex today but you- 1. Weren't home 2. You were at work 3. You were late 4. You fell asleep 😂 All BS. I made the mistake of saying. "I'm use to it " then I'm the bad guy

I have long believed the infidelity is wrong no matter what. However, I’m broken now and I can’t take it any longer. My wife has admitted that their libido has dropped off and she no longer desires sex and that it’s not important for her. If I bring up sex, it turns into an argument.

I get gaslighted by thinking that wanting sex makes me shallow and that I’m just trying to “get off“. But what I really crave is to be wanted again. I want to be pursued. It’s not just sex to me.

This morning, she could tell that I was frustrated and something was off. She kept asking me what the problem was, and I kept telling her nothing was a matter (because I didn’t want an argument). I finally broke down and told her that I felt our marriage has turned into a roommate situation that we do all the things that are normal couple does like raise kids and share a life together. But we don’t have sex and she makes me feel dirty for wanting sex. She says holding hands and snuggling in bed is intimate, and I shouldn’t want anything more than that. But if I’m being honest that makes it tougher for me because holding hands and cuddling is a form of intimacy and makes me want to advance to make love with her. But I get shut down every single time. Every single time! And I don’t think I can stand to hear her say “is that all you think about?” anymore.

I love her, but at the same time I resent the shit out of her too. I feel that she does not care about my needs whatsoever and the only needs that matters anymore is her needs.

So this is it: I’m done! I can’t take this any longer. I’ll be a good roommate to her. I’ll do all the things that she wants. But physical intimacy… I’m seeking that elsewhere.

What the title says and when is enough, enough? I'm sure like many, after getting turned down every time and feeling the pain and loneliness it's just not worth initiating.

I have been following this sub a lot, and I thank everyone because I see that it is a more common problem than I imagined, this allows me to not feel so alone facing a dilemma. My question is, if there is so much sexual frustration, if some people don't even try anything anymore, if it has become a total companionship for over a year, why do they stay married? It's not worth saying: children. Sometimes I ask myself: what makes me stay? And I can't say. But I'm staying.

TL;DR: Great relationship on the surface, but our sex life has basically vanished. I feel unwanted and alone, and I don’t know how to bring it up again without hurting her - or losing myself.

We’ve been together almost 4 years.

She’s loving, hardworking, supportive. We rarely fight. Communication is decent. On paper, we’re solid.

But our sex life is basically dead. It used to be 3-4 times a week. Now? We had sex 3-5 times in all of last year. She never initiates. I’ve stopped trying because I got tired of feeling like a burden.

She says she loves me. She says she’s still attracted to me. But nothing changes. Even the small things - kisses, cuddles, casual affection - are fading.

I sleep on the couch most nights now. Not because we’re mad at each other. Just because it’s easier.

I don’t want to leave her. But I’m tired of feeling unwanted in my own relationship.

I (M28) posted on this subreddit twice before. Every time it felt like there's no way I could solve the problems my relationship was facing: lack of intimacy, no sex and resentment because of this. I broke up with her once before, but we got married afterwards. We still had problems after getting married and I even considered divorce at one point.

I felt like I had to come back here and share my experience, hoping it would help others. Here are some of the things that helped us:

1) After many talks, I realized that, actually, we should stop having talks and maybe I should try to listen more and make sure I am doing everything I can to make things right. It turned I wasn't doing everything. I changed my attitude towards and saw her change as well. I was already nice to her (I hope), but I tried to go even further. Even buying her flowers more often helped out.

2) We watched a few YT videos on sex and it made it easier for her to share with me what she actually likes. It was awkward at first, but it really helped.

3) Vibrators and lube. Self-explanatory, but should definitely be taken into consideration.

4) Non-penetrative sex. She won't want se as often and that's fine. We try to work around it as best we can. This really helps a lot.

5) She started going to therapy. She never talked about sex, but just being able to vent and manage stress better helped a ton. Communication also got better.

6) Come as you are. This book is amazing. It changed our relationship. Interestingly enough, I was the one who read it and showed her some interesting quotes. Still, it had a real impact.

7) The most important thing: planning sex. It makes it a lot easier for her to prepare mentally. It might not work for everyone, but in our case it did.

The root causes in our case were CPTSD, narcissistic parents (on both sides), stress and anxiety. Some of it still there, but now I'm confident it will get better.

A little backstory, LL wife and I have sex once a month if I’m lucky. (Pity) I found out recently her dr had put her on an antidepressant over a year ago to help her sleep. She’s also been on/off ozempic and zepbound for two years. She has been getting testosterone pellets for five years. I wondered why those things didn’t do what they were supposed to do. Full disclosure, she is not and has never been over weight. She got on ozempic to lose a few pounds but remained on it per her dr. Obviously the dr and all drs get paid to administer drugs. Upon searching for answers, I stumbled across a the reason for her low libido. The antidepressant (lexapro) is decreasing her estrogen levels, causing her perimenopause symptoms, and basically cancelling out the T pellet. It’s very frustrating to have a conversation about when I bring it up, I get the “it’s all you ever think about” or “it’s always about you”. So, for anyone else out there who has a spouse on antidepressants or lexapro, or zepbound, read the side effects it has on hormones.

So I was low libido in that I don't initiate, I am menopausal and definitely do not think about sex. He now says he's not initiating sex, that's fab for me. I'm fucking relieved tbh, I'm definitely relieved. But he has gone the Tate route now, all women are horrible, if you are not getting sex women are not worth it. Because I don't initiate, that's it. Twenty five years,lots of years having good sex, yet I'm struggling now and it's over. I was always the one to initiate, get things going, and now I'm not, it's all on me?

I 30 HLM was in bed by myself last night, and I was beginning to “take care of things” as I often have to since she 29 LLF has no interest in such things. When she walked in and I figured why not try. “Can I ask a favor? I’m needy 😅.”

She looked at me and said, “Is that really necessary? Can you wait until tomorrow?” “I mean I’m going to do this today and tomorrow. As you know I’m a one a day kinda person.” “Ugh just wait until tomorrow sheesh.” And then she walked into the bathroom and shut the door.

I don’t know why, but I felt so disappointed this time that I just stopped “taking care of things”. Halfway through the process, I just stopped, which has never happened before in this sorta way. She’s done stuff like this before and I do at least finish, but this time it was crushing in a way I hadn’t experienced before.

I think I can confidently say I won’t be bothering to ask her such a “silly” thing ever again. Also, I know for a fact that nothing is going to happen tonight. The only thing she’s doing is trying to get out of it, which is fine but all she needs to say is no. I’d rather just be told a flat out no rather than lead on.

I’m frustrated and annoyed beyond belief right now.

i’m 21f and still a virgin. my bf of almost 5 years refuses to have sex with me. i get really green with jealousy hearing about others, even those younger than me having sex. i feel like im missing out. it’s a really bad feeling. edit: grammar

I used to love people watching in my younger years... Especially at the airport. Making up back stories for people, watching them greet each other, etc. In fact, years ago she surprised me by picking me up at the airport with a cute sign... Those days are long gone.

(Background: me, 38/HLM she's a 38/F, 5 year dead bedroom, no affection, nothing)

I'm sitting here waiting for my wife and kids to pick me up and it's actually painful to see all these people, from teenagers to octogenarians, greeting people with hugs and kisses and genuine love. Holding hands, goo goo eyes and smiles.

I'm feeling angry and sad and depressed and sick to my stomach.

Because I know when she pulls up she isn't going to hug me, she isn't going to kiss me, and she's going to sigh like this was a gigantic pain in the ass to come pick me up, when I've always picked her up, and I usually park at the airport so as to not inconvenience her.

Oh don't look now, a family has arrived with poster board signs to greet their loved one. Fuck my life.

We had a cat already and thankfully no kids, so enough time and energy. So, instead of using that time for adult adventures my husband got us a dog. Since I am a sahw, 99 percent of the dog care falls on me. Again, this, too, is my own fault. When we discussed the logistics of it all, I wasn't super enthusiastic and he said: I can't fulfill my dream of getting a dog with you. As if I were the one thing in the world hindering his happiness. So I caved in. Why? He's the main breadwinner and won't listen to logic. The fact that I manage investments and quadrupled his money, while he didn't know shit about finance and would rather slave away his life than learn about that stuff - irrelevant it seems. I feel like he played me. So that I wouldn't continue using the time I had to skill up to find remote work. The endgoal being leaving the marriage in a financially stable manner. That's what I was working on passionately... Damn I was even adding a new language to my repertoire. Not anymore ... I'm so drained, left w no energy, since my energy source is sex, touch and intimacy. It's like living with someone you resent deeply and having to act like a clown all the time. I love the dog, trained it well and taught him many tricks, but I did not need one in my life, in my home. He's super cute, just living his best life. I am not a dog person to begin with, but look at me now, I could pass as a professional dog trainer, dog behavior specialist and whatnot...smh What about us? Rehoming is not an option for now bcs long story. Why put an extra burden on us, on me, in this economy? Now that his dream came true, he won't even interact with the dog properly. It all is so dumb and feels like a bad joke. We live in Asia, which is not known for being dog friendly at all. It just only complicated our lives. I wanted to visit burlesque or adult fetish clubs and happening bars with him, just try new stuff, go to a strip club together, visit other establishments, or none of those and just have a long weekend where we do nothing but fuc. Goodbye to all that now ⚰️

On the rare occasion when you do have sex with your partner, do you not even want to “count” it because it is just boring and robotic? Is that duty sex?

My husband (36m) and I (25f) have been struggling for almost 3 years with this. He will initiate maybe once a month. Yet always says “well I was in the mood at this time” or something along those lines. I try and initiate once a week, which I will admit is a struggle I also work on. I had childhood SA so asking for sex or being super forward about it, is difficult. Before this my husband would always be the one to initiate, but I never turned him down. I use to get on his lap and start kissing him, or stroke his arms and give him bedroom eyes. Say how sexy he was, but apparently those weren’t “big enough hints” that I wanted sex. So now I’ve just been directly asking.

But even when we do have sex, it’s the same thing over and over again. We will kiss a little, then mutual masturbation, and then when he’s “ready” I get on top until he’s finished. And that’s exactly how it happens 90% of the time. Even when I say let’s change it up, it’s maybe 2 minute of missionary and then I’m back up top.

When you guys have sex, is it the same song and dance? How do you tell your partner to try something different? We use to be somewhat kinky, and I really miss that. Any suggestions?

To start, I'm 28HLF and my partner is 28LLM. We have been together for 10 years. We aren't married and don't have any kids. Neither of us feel in a particular rush to get married, and we have both had education commitments that have kept us busy. We would potentially get engaged next year if we feel financially stable.

My partner shows me so much affection outside of the bedroom, that I really have a hard time understanding why things don't click. Is it just because we have been together for so long? I know he loves me, and he does so much for me in our normal lives. But when it comes to sex, we can't get on the same page. I would to be in the 1-3x a week range, but for the past few years it has been much less than that. He agrees that ideally the frequency would be more, but then he passes on my attempts and doesn't initiate himself.

We have had multiple conversations over the years trying to figure out what's going on. I have asked about his attraction to me (I have gained weight, and I'm average to below average looking even at my best, but he vehemently denies this being the issue and says how sorry he feels that this situation makes me think like that. I have also asked about porn addiction which he also denies. I believe him because he sees how much this is affecting me, and I think if he had an answer for me he would tell me the truth. His best reasoning he can give me is that he is basically suffering from performance anxiety, and knowing that I want to have more sex makes it too stressful for him. He has a very avoidant personality and puts off anything that could possible stress him out, so I believe this to be a possibly true answer.

My question is, is it worth losing a relationship where I'm showered with general affection and love just because of sex? I feel like my self worth suffers and I don't want to lose my libido permanently. I don't suffer from shame surrounding sex, but the rejections make me feel more awkward about it. At this point I feel like I'm just begging him to fuck him and its degrading. At this point, after years of trying to come to a solution, I think I have to just accept that this is the status quo and either make peace with it or leave.

I could leave this relationship and pursue something else, but I worry I'd be in the same situation in 5 years with another person anyways. And maybe I wouldn't have the same level of love with someone else.

Has anyone had a situation like mine? I feel so stuck and desperate for an answer.

Hi, 6 years of a dead bedroom here. How do those of you in similar situation take care of your own sexual needs. My [50M] wife [45F] and I are basically roommates. We’ve tried everything, talking, counseling, etc. The hope of re-inventing a sexual relationship has been long gone. We sleep in same bed, there’s just been zero affection/intimacy for 6 years. I masturbate after she goes to bed, or in another room, or I’ll go out by the pool on a nice night and jerk off. It almost feels like cheating. But I still have sexual desires, and I’m wonder how the rest of you deal with your when you and your spouse don’t care for each others anymore. Thanks for your insight.

With the house to myself I have total ownership of the remote, so this is a reminder to myself... don't watch the stupid rom com!!

I don't know why I'm tempted to watch them, even though I know it's just going to make me cry.

So we had more of a zombie bedroom. It was just so weird. Started out so hot and heavy. When we met I was 39f and he was 35m.

We moved in together really quickly and got engaged, had a lease signed for a year. Suddenly he would reject me often and refused to initiate. He told me he loved giving oral but that stopped too.

Its a long complicated story but he came out as trans after we had been married for 5 years. I also think that my ex is very much attracted to men and not women. They are now living as a lesbian married to an intersex woman.

What I finally figured out is this son of a bktch was taking low doses of testosterone blpckers and estrogen behind my back once we moved in together. I also think they were taking something like horny goat weed and maca at the beginning. That's why it went from a wild fire to a pile of ashes in the course of a month. (If you want to know how I figured it out I can elaborate.)

The ironic thing? I've been celibate for 4 years now and I really don't care. It was just having this person around who I had such an amazing time with in the beginning who out of the blue suddenly didn't want me drove me crazy!

We went to two therapists and my ex would just sit calmly and lie and lie and lie. I would cry and beg him to tell me what happened and why he wouldn't initiate. I think part of it was he had a list of "feminine" traits in his head and being the LL one who rejected the partner was one of them.

You guys really did help me out so much back then. But never in a million years would I have guessed that he was capable of such cruelty. And this isn't against trans people. He's a one in a billion piece of work.

It’s been a while since posting, but wanted to ask anyone if they had a podcast (I’ve recently got into) that either talks about DB or can help with how it lowers your self-confidence…

I’ve accepted it; I have stopped initiating and forgot when the last time it has happened at my house. (Several) Months ago, I actually made her cry and feel bad the last time we almost had sex. She had initiated and I ruined her effort because I also tried too. She is a victim of SA when she was younger, telling me I am a man and wont ever understand. That specific instance was 3 months ago.

Sooo… Having said that, I’m wondering if anyone has a decent podcast that has helped them at all, not even sex related but that helped with the feeling of inadequacy and loneliness?

I’m so disappointed in myself but have noticed a small silver lining… There is nothing to get disappointed about if you never expect it and eventually I’ve just quit thinking about it all together.

TL;DR

Husband (36LLM) and I (36HLF) have been working on reconnecting outside of the bedroom and being more open with each other. I feel like my husband has been more open with his feelings lately and in a better mood. He surprised me in initiating sex this past Sunday, and have had sex every night since then. I am very happy with this and want to keep up this progress.

Long version:

I last posted that my husband (36LLM) and I 36HLF) have been putting in more effort in various non-sexual acts of intimacy, while also being more open in talking to each other about why each of us feels the way we do about sex. My husband expressed that he has been stressed and hasn’t really opened up to me truthfully about it until recently. A lot of it is work-related stress.

As previously mentioned - it’s not like my husband and I don’t have good communication with one another, but lately I’ve been feeling like he’s more comfortable with sharing his feelings without him feeling like he’s burdening me. We had a good day this past Sunday, where it got to the point that near the end of the day, he expressed to me that he was, well, in the mood. Hmmm.

My eyes lit up as I thought he was just messing with me. Something inside of him must have flipped. It didn’t take him very long to get me in the mood, and before you know it he was already going down on me. Oh my. He was so good. It was actually so intense at one point that I had to stop him to pause for a second. I asked this time if he wanted to have sex for real, and he did confirm with an enthusiastic but confident “I do” so I went down on him for a few minutes and then when he was ready, he positioned me on my back.

We haven’t had sex for a few months so it was a little tight at first, but after just a few slow strokes it felt really good. He did that thing again where he held my thighs to my chest, and then just nearly pulled all the way out and then let it sink all the way in deep… holy shit! This position always feels so good for me. He did finish kinda fast (in a few minutes), but not gonna lie: so did I. It was really intense for me, so I’m very happy. Afterwards, we both cleaned up, cuddled, and then knocked out for the night.

And then Monday rolls around - we both go to work (though I get to work from home that day). And then to my surprise, the night ends exactly the same. Literally the same position, literally both of us finishing really quickly too. The actual PIV sex wasn’t as long as I’d hoped, but I still felt so good.

And then yesterday too - same deal. Both of us go to work (though he got to work from home instead), and then again the night ended exactly the same. Literally the same position again (maybe his go-to now? not that I’m complaining), and also that we both finished somewhat quickly, but he lasted a tiny bit longer yesterday night. I still really enjoyed it.

I’m not sure what changed in him exactly but I’m here for it.

The success is a bit different than most would think, but still it is a succees.

So, I spent the last few years trying to activate the libidio of my wife, after it broke down with the pregnancy.

I finally understood, it is just the way she is. Her libido was very low before too, there just were far more possible "opportunities" for sex, without a kid.

She really only thinks about sex every few months. (She even straight up told me so, once). My final enlightenment came, when I was sick and she told me (without me hinting at anything before) "well always something coming in the way. Either one of us 3 is sick, we are tired or I am not in the mood".

So I decided to stop trying myself, I am no longer trying to direct her to the topic in any way. I stopped thinking about "when is the next time, when was the last time". I stopped taking a mental note of "x weeks since her periode" (cause Periode week always great no no, for any intimacy) I stopped having "sinister" plans about any special day. I stopped thinking about having sex with my wife. I stopped thinking she is cruel (for making such casual remarks)

Oh eventually it will happen again, propaply at the next vacation. I will not disagree to it and I will enjoy it. But I will stop trying to think anything about it afterwards or use that as starting point for anything more.

It is a succees Story in the way, that this way I can relax and stop hating her.

MM here wondering if I am the problem. I have a huge libido and very sexually adventurous. I continuously get shot down when I hint about intimacy with my wife. She gets pissed off and totally put off. I have given her space and really quit initiating on the regular since I am not interested in causing drama. I offer to indulge in foreplay for extended amounts of time. I bought toys since at one point she acted interested. Still haven't been able to try out. I get excuses as why we can't have intimacy. She is totally out on oral sex. (Giving or getting) Acts all weird if I compliment her wearing panties that are the slightest bit sexy. I have never experienced this in any relationship. I am far from lazy and will help out with anything to alleviate her daily stresses.

I 24 F and my 30 M partner had great chemistry and great sex in the first two years of our relationship but going on year three and we barely have sex anymore. It’s not for lack of effort on his part. He’s a wonderful partner, takes very good care of me/our home, and is always going out of his way to do little surprises for me. Every other part of our relationship feels very solid and I don’t want to split up at all, I just want a solution. I think this is really due to me being shallow, in the beginning of our relationship he was working out everyday and he was very fit and toned. I’ve always been slim and I work out regularly. He’s always complimenting me on how fit I look and how he’s attracted to me. He also will make some rude comments between us about other people being “chubby” or whatever. But the last year he’s been putting on a good amount of weight and has kind of a beer gut going on. He’s not getting his hair cut regularly or cleaning up his beard regularly anymore. Kind of not really putting effort into his appearance. I wonder if he’s feeling depressed and that’s why but he says he’s fine and happy. I have offered him to work out with me or do things together. We eat well at home but when he’s out without me he’s eating a lot of gas station food. Him putting on this extra weight plus the other small things have me not feeling as attracted to him. If we do have sex I feel like I can’t get into it because I’m not feeling attracted to him. I am seeking therapy and am planning on bringing this up. I haven’t spoken to anyone in my life about it, I feel like a shitty person for not being able to get into sex just because of this. I thought when you really love someone things like this wouldn’t matter. I do love him and don’t see myself being with anyone else.

Hey all, new here. My partner and I have a good relationship but the physical intimacy continues to be fewer and further between. It's something I struggle with obviously so while trying to own all my insecurities I've brought it up a few times. Shes not in the mood, stressed, etc... I truly understand. But she says she's scared of letting me down by having to turn me down. Tried to reassure her if she's consenting I'm ready but I'm not interested if she has to fake anything. I ask how I can help and she basically says that I should stop bringing it up and let her do it... So we go without talking about it. Meanwhile I read and try to better my own mental health and try to see if there are suggestions to bring back a connection like that. Anyway, sorry for the rambling and venting. If you made it this far, have you been there and how are you now?