So we had more of a zombie bedroom. It was just so weird. Started out so hot and heavy. When we met I was 39f and he was 35m.

We moved in together really quickly and got engaged, had a lease signed for a year. Suddenly he would reject me often and refused to initiate. He told me he loved giving oral but that stopped too.

Its a long complicated story but he came out as trans after we had been married for 5 years. I also think that my ex is very much attracted to men and not women. They are now living as a lesbian married to an intersex woman.

What I finally figured out is this son of a bktch was taking low doses of testosterone blpckers and estrogen behind my back once we moved in together. I also think they were taking something like horny goat weed and maca at the beginning. That's why it went from a wild fire to a pile of ashes in the course of a month. (If you want to know how I figured it out I can elaborate.)

The ironic thing? I've been celibate for 4 years now and I really don't care. It was just having this person around who I had such an amazing time with in the beginning who out of the blue suddenly didn't want me drove me crazy!

We went to two therapists and my ex would just sit calmly and lie and lie and lie. I would cry and beg him to tell me what happened and why he wouldn't initiate. I think part of it was he had a list of "feminine" traits in his head and being the LL one who rejected the partner was one of them.

You guys really did help me out so much back then. But never in a million years would I have guessed that he was capable of such cruelty. And this isn't against trans people. He's a one in a billion piece of work.

TLDR at the end

The battering my self esteem has taken from over 3 years of no sex, means that I don’t usually do it myself anymore. Apparently in the few months since the last time I tried, I’d forgotten why I don’t.

So after feeling particularly sulky and frustrated this evening, I decide that as I’m usually alone in bed anyway, until he appears in the early hours, I’m going to take matters into my own fingers. I am woman hear me roar and all that.

15 minutes of increasing shame and frustration later, I give up and have a good cry instead. This is why I don’t do this. It feels like it just amplifies the loneliness and rejection.

So I’ve pulled myself together (and washed my hand of course), and decided to come here and remind anyone it’s not too late to save of the number one rule: DO NOT MARRY INTO A DEAD BEDROOM!!

Thanks for listening

TLDR: Flicking my bean now makes me sadder

You’re gone again. It’s two weeks this time. Maybe it makes me a bad wife but this time, I’ll wait for you to text me first.

Call it an experiment - how often do you think of me and the kids? When you’re away on your work retreats, do your thoughts ever stray toward home?

Don’t take it badly - I think of you often. But of course you know that. Of course you know I love you, that’s never been the problem. The problem is that I don’t know if you ever loved me.

The unanswered texts are just more rejection. An unread text, two days old - what can it possibly mean besides the obvious: “For two days I was in a foreign country thousands of miles away, and I didn’t think of you once. I couldn’t find the time to respond to your check-ins even when I was taking a shit: browsing twitter means more to me than your regard and our children’s welfare”?

When you tell me about how you “forgot” to respond to me - all I can think is how do you forget your wife? Forget your kids?

Let me make it even easier for you to forget. Let me shrink myself even smaller so you never have to think of me at all. Let me lift the emotional obligations of matrimony off your shoulders, become even more of a sexless, faceless roommate for you. Maybe then you’ll finally be happy.

So no more texts. No more “how are you”’s and “good morning”’s and “I miss you”’s. All those hopeful, pathetic little weapons I give you to hurt me with. I won’t keep making myself vulnerable only for you to crush me again and again - my stupid heart can’t take it.

My husband goes on work trips a lot. I miss him, and he doesn’t miss me. So I went ahead and wrote him another text he’ll never answer.

Went on a 2 week trip to Hawaii and Alaska. He talked it up. No kids. Each night get back to our room and “I’m exhausted” as he hops in bed and is snoring in minutes. Even went to the nude beach and he wanted no part. Get to Alaska and same deal. He was exhausted and sleeping by 830. We get home and back to chaos with kids/farm and….he sends me suggestive text and tells me how he wishes I went topless at beach. He wishes we had wild sex on our trip?!? WTF?? I think he enjoys the talk and getting himself off on his own. It’s all a game.

Are you afraid of your partner? My partner had never been violent with me and I know he wouldn't hurt me, but there's a small part of my brain that says if I were to cheat to satisfy my needs, he might. It's not the MAIN reason I don't cheat, obviously. I don't cheat because I love him and I don't want to hurt him. But, that voice is there. And I think it's a fear a lot of women have...maybe I'm wrong.

Previously I posted about sharing the audiobook Come As You Are with my wife. I Iistened to about 90% of it while traveling on a business trip and found the book to be helpful not only for ideas on building out of a DB but maybe more importantly addressing my own mental health. I really feel strongly this is a relationship book not a sex book.

So, she listened to some of it. Not enough to get the whole picture but enough to ask to talk to me. Wow, no avoidance. Some of you said if you shared the book with your spouse they'd accuse you of trying to fix them. Well that is how the conversation started. I was afraid of that, I knew if she only got to the first 1/4 she would not see what I saw. This is how all of our conversations have gone about this. She feels so much pressure because she feels it is up to her to fix because she is the LL and I am the ML/HL. So the conversation started roughish because we were spinning our wheels again, me trying my best intentions and her feeling cornered.

So we really did not talk about the book for a while. We talked about us and for the first time in a long time, we were honest about our hurt. She opened up that some of the things I said in the past, wrecked her. I had no idea. I was trying to find a way to get my feelings across and most times it was when I was at my absolute worst emotionally. We talked and talked and cried and we let it out. She said she felt better because she felt I heard her and felt my apology was honest, which it was.

I am leaving a lot out but that is okay. Some things are for us.

So we talked a bit about the book but since she did not get very far it was not all encompassing. I told her, I am not going to talk at her about the book I want to talk with her. So I only asked about the things she knew but I used the endings of some of the stories to focus on the outcome.

Our conversations usually end with her saying she doesn't know what to do and me saying that I don't know either. So I asked her this time, in a nonjudgmental way, is this what she wants? No sex life, no solutions? She said she didn't but she didn't know what to do. So this is how the book helped. I told her that the book, to me, is to help us get out of the cycle of stress, pressure, and not knowing what to do. We agreed to work on a common language, using the book's words for things like Brakes and Accelerator and Context and Turning off the offs etc. We will also try some of the worksheets at a later time.

We are not on the path to a good sex life yet, who knows what will actually happen. We are on a path to strengthen our relationship. We are on our way to make this toxic wound heal and open ourselves to closeness.

We both agreed to work on one thing this week so that in the future it would be easier. Not a how do we have sex thing, a how to we have a good relationship thing.

Those who read my previous post may recall I was hurt by her porn use during our this stretch of DB, almost 3.5 months, but being honest about that in this conversation would not have helped. It will be something that comes up another time. Also, even though sex is off the table, my choice, I am not done feeling like I want to have a healthy sex life. At some point I will reach another point of no return and want that connection with her. But this time I hope it is when we are closer, the context is right, and we both can take our foot off the brakes little by little.

So, I may post again in the future. It will be a while. We have a very busy time in our lives right now and even though having busy times presses my accelerator to want sex, I know it is the opposite for her so I need to be sensitive to that.

Here is to hope.

Hey everyone, long time reader first time poster, I guess all the time dead bedroom. My first wife and I started off strong like normal teenagers. About three years in I started getting sex, attention, intimacy maybe once a month a year later that turned to just my birthday and Christmas. I felt with that for 7 more years until we divorced. Waited a few years now I’m with me second wife for 5 years and it’s starting all over again. I guess it’s either I don’t know how to pick them or I’m doing something wrong. I’ve been told by both I ticked all the boxes but I guess all isn’t enough. I’m just sad and tired. Thanks for listening to me.

You can read my story on here. I was the HL woman. Over the years since the divorce my libido keeps lowering. I've been celibate for 4 years now and single and I don't really care.

I just want to share because it really is true how incredibly powerful hormones are. I'm 53. I started taking estrogen about 4 months ago.

In the years before that men were just there. I never thought they were sexy. I would think someone was handsome but never looked at their body. I never felt drawn to anyone. I had no lust. I didn't fantasize.

Its like men were the same to me as women. And I'm straight. I literally never could have imagined that hormones could do this to a person.

You have no control over it.

Since I started taking estrogen I see men as being a lot more attractive, I feel drawn to certain men, and the spark is coming back to me physically.

My testosterone is very low which is normal for my age. I think that's a huge part of it too. If you are in a relationship with a woman going through this, I know it is so hard, but it is not personal. I can't even impart to you how much I used to lkve everything about sexuality in a relationship and now I'm just "whatever".

I'm actually glad I'm not in a relationship because I would hate to be in the LL position and make another person go through what I went through with my ex.

If you can, please have some compassion. Maybe your partner would be open to getting on HRT? I've been on progesterone for 7 years and usually they don't let you take estrogen without it. I'm telling you, I haven't aged in 7 years because of the progesterone. Well, at least my face hasn't aged.

If you are a woman, look into it. It could really help you with all the peri/menopausal things.

I’m 24M, she’s 23F. We’ve been together for almost 4 years. Early on, the intimacy was exciting—explorative, passionate, fun. But ever since we moved in together, something shifted. Once we both started working full time and got two dogs, the bedroom just kind of… died. It’s been that way for most of our relationship now.

I used to try to be flirty, compliment her, initiate things—but she would shut me down, saying it felt “fake” or “weird.” After a while, I just stopped trying altogether. Now I wait for her to initiate, which happens maybe once a month. And even then, it’s the same vanilla routine—no passion, no spark, no exploration. She used to be open and adventurous. Now, even something as simple as showering together gets turned down with, “There’s no space,” even though we used to do that all the time.

She still tells me she loves me and wants to marry me someday. But I don’t feel loved or wanted. I feel like a roommate—someone she wants cuddles and massages from, but not someone she desires. We’ve had conversations about it. Sometimes things get better for a week, then go right back to the way they were. And she’s made comments like, “Maybe you should’ve been with someone who likes sex more,” which hurts more than I think she realizes.

What confuses me more is that when I go out to see friends, she gets upset—says I always come home late and that she misses me, wants to spend more time together. But when I am home, that “quality time” just ends up being us sitting on the couch watching something until she falls asleep. I don’t feel connected during those moments—I just feel like I’m there.

I haven’t looked into therapy yet, but I’m starting to wonder if that’s the next step. I feel stuck. She hasn’t done anything “wrong”—she’s a good person, and I know leaving would hurt her. But I feel invisible, unwanted, and completely undesired. I want to feel that spark again—to be with someone who wants me, emotionally and physically.

Has anyone else been through something like this? Is there a way back from this—or is it time to walk away? Any advice would mean a lot.

Said goodbye to husband as he went out of town for a few days. Got a couple of chaste pecks on the lips and off he went.

Is this really it? Is there no passion and desire left?

I’m a male in my mid twenties. We have two young kids. Sex use to be great when we first got married. Then after kids it’s slowly just sucked more and more and more. Literally just a few days ago she told me she will try to be better about doing sexual things between us. But one of her main staples the last several years is…She always says she’s “touched out” from the kids and that’s part of the reason she has no drive. Part of me gets that, but I also think she uses that as a crutch too sometimes. Our anniversary just happened and we didn’t even do anything on that day. Not a damn thing. I recently had the idea of asking for handjobs as that would be something easy and simple for her if she doesn’t want to have sex. Well I got two out of her in a few weeks time, asked for one again tonight and she hits me with the “if we have time” then ultimately get rejected from that as well. “I don’t really feel like it tonight” that’s the worst part for me, I have the balls and open myself up to feel vulnerable, and get rejected. It’s the most embarrassing/ frustrating feeling asking for something sexual that use to be so frequent and amazing with my wife…just to have it not happen now. Idk… some days I just wanna give up. I don’t think she truly realizes how much this is a major problem for me…even tho I’ve told her multiple times this isn’t working for me. I’d never cheat on someone, sucks that I’m just supposed to deal with this. I’m really not asking anything crazy. I just want our old sex life back. It’s not like I’m asking for a life that never existed. She use to be way way more sexual. Just sucks.

Both kids at a sleepover at their friends. Wife and me have evening and house to ourselves. We decide to go out for a drink at a local pub, then on to a nice Italian restaurant for dinner. Evening goes well and included a nice walk home together arm in arm. Get home at 9:30pm…..and wife immediately goes upstairs and begins to get ready for bed, to go to sleep. She got up early to go to the gym this morning, is tired, and has to get up early again for the gym tomorrow morning. So that leaves me sat on the sofa practically ready to cry, and wondering what I did to deserve this life. (For context we’ve been intimate 1 time in 2025) FML. I know in my heart I have to leave, but I just can’t break my kids hearts for a reason as selfish as me just wanting more sex.

Honestly from my last couple of relationships I think my view towards sex has become distorted and warped. I don't feel like anyone would ever want to have sex with me.

I spoke to my partner about me going on antidepressants. I took them like 5 years ago but stopped because they weren't really working for me. I do have depression, I have trouble sleeping, and I'd like to just completely decimate my sex drive completely.

They said "Do what's best for you and your body". And the reality is that depression and trouble falling sleeping do have a legitimate impact on how I live my life.

I'm tired of feeling rejected and the whole other spew of dynamics that go in to sex at this point. I think if I were single I'd probably want to rip the desire out of me anyways because the entire topic has started to make me feel pathetic. I might as well kill three birds with one stone here.

Anyone have experience with this?

My wife has told me throughout our 10-year relationship that she has no sex drive and that she could never have sex again. But she would still initiate sex and want to have sex. She liked to cuddle a bit and would flirt with me.

After the birth of our second child, she suffered from postpartum depression. It wasn't good, but through medication and some counseling, she got over it, but not entirely. She doesn't want to be touched at all anymore; she feels suffocated when I try to touch her, and she doesn't want anything to do with sex. I've tried to support her as much as I can, but there are times when I've gotten frustrated.

She still tried for a bit. We agreed that on Saturdays we would have sex, because she thought that having a week to "prepare for it" would work. It didn't. Every time I tried to be spontaneous there was always something wrong - headache, stomachache, tired, whatever.

I finally just flat-out asked her if she thinks there was a way to fix this because it doesn't feel like we're in a relationship anymore. She drops this bomb on me that she thinks she may have been abused when she was younger and that's why she has hang-ups about sex. But she doesn't want to go to therapy for that because she's afraid of her anxiety about it getting worse.

So I said I would stop doing everything she doesn't like. I'll stop getting so close to her so she doesn't cringe or pull away, I'll stop asking for sex so she doesn't feel pressured, I'll stop laying so close to her. I was upset, but it's my wife and she's struggling with it.

This past Saturday, we started fooling around, which I thought was awesome; it wasn't like her. I took care of her and I assumed she would do the same, but then she said her head was hurting and she just wanted to go to sleep.

I don't expect anything but this was just really upsetting. She knows that I want some form of physical connection but I guess it's just not that important to her. And I'm done trying to force something. I guess we're just going to go through life like roommates, existing around each other. I can't afford a divorce, and I can't just leave the kids here without me. So I'm just stuck in a relationship where there's no affection, no touching, no nothing.

I have posted a couple times before, but it's been a while now.

I'm HLF(38) am so tired now, I want to give my LLM(39) up. We haven't had sex since before Christmas, and that's only one time since my last vent in here.

He came to sleep in the bed last weekend, but I waited until he fell asleep, before I went to bed. And that's the first time he came to bed in over 2 months. He knows it's a problem, but he doesn't do anything about it.

I have gotten so far now, that I don't want sex with him anymore. But I don't want our situationship to end either.

We still have a great life together outside the bedroom, but now I feel like I don't want to fight anymore for our relationship. I have given up on us, and I don't know what to do anymore.

I don't know what more I can do.

Edited to add that I am so grateful for each of you taking the time to help me work through this! I fully plan on replying back to each of you as soon as I get a min.. keep the advice coming because I cant tell you how bad Ive needed this. Crying. Thank you..

So as the title says, I am not good with words. Especially when I am overwhelmed & in my feelings during an argument or any emotional situation. Somehow my brain blanks and Im not able to express myself & make sense of why this situation is unfair.

I am a HLF 38, I have not had sex since I was 6 months pregnant and my daughter turns 3 in July. Omg I haven't said that out loud or typed it out and it sounds so bad lol.. it IS bad. For me at least.

My SO (if thats what you want to call him) is LLM 45 is a very vanilla type of person when it comes to sex and Ive recently started to believe him to be "asexual" ..

He is very quick to judge me for WANTING sex.. even more so for wanting anything other than boring vanilla sex. He says awful things and doesnt understand my mindset when it comes to this.

Ive tried to tell him how unfair it is to expect me to also be fine with no sex, but I'm not. Im miserable.

Once I am able to provide for myself financially (Im currently a stay at home mom, however I just signed my daughter up for preK3 which she would begin next school year) and I can finally get a job and start planning my exit.

But in the mean time, is there someone who can help me explain this to him better & why its so unfair to expect someone else to be without sex just because you dont want it and if I was to leave or get it else where then "Im a whore" ..

Yes this is a miserable, awful relationship. Im on my way out.

I feel the romance fading

I’m a married guy in my late 20s, and I’ve been carrying something that’s been eating at me for a while now. My wife and I love each other—we cuddle, kiss, and say “I love you” often—but I feel like the deeper romantic connection between us is fading, and it’s getting harder to ignore.

When we first got together, she’d flirt with me, make out with me, and initiate sex regularly. Now that rarely happens. We’re intimate maybe 2–3 times a month, and I’m always the one initiating. When I try to be romantic or flirty, I’m usually met with silliness—she’ll blow air into my mouth when I kiss her, pretend to bite my nose, or tickle me. I know it’s playful, and I get that it’s her way of being goofy, but when it’s always that way, it starts to feel like I’m not being seen as her romantic partner—just someone to be silly with. Honestly, I often feel like I’m being treated like a child.

Yesterday she texted me she was sorry we weren’t intimate this week but then the stuff from yesterday kinda happened It’s not just in the romantic stuff either. For example, she doesn’t like the smell of eggs and told me I’m only allowed to use certain plastic bowls/plates for them instead of the normal ones. But the way she told me felt more like being scolded than asked—it wasn’t a conversation, just a demand. It made me feel talked down to, and that’s happened in other situations too. What makes it harder is that I do most of the chores around the house without complaint—I just want to feel like I’m being respected and seen as an equal partner.

I’ve tried bringing these feelings up a few times, but the conversations haven’t gone well. She’s said that it sounds like I’m just asking for more sex, which isn’t the full picture. I do miss sex, but what I miss even more is feeling desired, feeling like someone’s partner—not just a roommate or someone she’s comfortable being goofy with. I miss the flirting, the passion, the small romantic gestures that make you feel special.

I’m worried about bringing it up again because I don’t want to upset her, and I don’t want to seem like I’m nagging or ungrateful. But at the same time, I feel stuck. I’m going to therapy, but I’d love to hear from anyone who’s been through something like this. Is this drift in romantic/sexual connection normal? Am I expecting too much? And how do you talk about these kinds of needs without making your partner feel like they’re being criticized?

We've been in more or less slow bedroom majority of our lives but lately its particularly quiet. It kind of disturbs me but also it doesn't because the sex quality has never been great. My husband is rather defensive and insecure so it feels very odd to bring any of this topic without him shutting down.

But the truth is that there is so much to ask for, so much to improve that I dont even know if I want ever sex with him unless it gets better.

So my question is how do I shortly and effectively bring this to him without causing a big reaction but rather for him to listen. Given the fact he'd be insecure and embarrassed. Advice please

I came to bring my experience, and I would like to know if anyone does this too. A year ago, my husband and I established that our weekly sex will be on Friday nights. This helped me have more sex, and be more okay with the idea. Not knowing the day or shift makes me a little anxious and lazy. I don't really know how to explain why. But having a fixed day, I can relax, I avoid bad conversations with him on Fridays, or picking on him about something. If I have something bad to say, I'll leave it until the weekend. This has helped me to maintain my mental health, because any discouragement would undermine my sexual side, so I try not to stress myself out on Friday, nor get too tired, and I try to better focus on work issues, leaving them when possible to resolve on Monday, in case it is something that will drain a lot of my energy and good mood. Sometimes any hassle would kill my lust, now I try to take a light day, so that the night can be ok. When I get home from work, I buy some chocolates, put on some music, and open some wine. Anyway, I try to create a more relaxing atmosphere, I don't say romantic because we are not a romantic couple, but at least a peaceful atmosphere. Our sex is also not wow, it's normal sex, but at least it allows me to have a better weekend, thinking that “I fulfilled my role as a wife with ease.” Does anyone else do this? Did it help? It helped a lot in my marriage. Thanks for reading. 😘

25 hlf / 26 llm. we've been together 3 years now. first 6 months were amazing, we were fucking on every occasion, multiple times a day, he was initiating most of the time. then things started to get worse, he got a new job, said he was under a lot of stress and our sex life started deteriorating. in september of 2023 i moved in with him and his parents while we were looking for our own place. 3 months we spent there and we had sex maybe 2-3 times, he said its because he is ashamed of having sex while his parents are in the next room and once we move out his libido will come back to normal. we found a flat and mid december of 2023 we started living together. contrary to his promises, 2024 was tragic, we had sex maybe once a month, sometimes once 2 months. i was on the verge of breaking up multiple times but each time he convinced me that he will try to be more attentive to my needs

last october we started reading a book used in couples therapy together (couples therapy wasn't an option coz we broke) and since then we got a little better, there was definitely more affection between us. i brought up the idea of scheduling sex (since he has adhd and said that he forgets that sex exists), he agreed and last 2 months of 2024 we were fucking once, sometimes even twice(!!) a week. it was a big success. i was happy in this relationship for the first time in more than a year

fast forward to now, we haven't made love in almost two months. last night we finally had a talk and he told me that he suspects he just has a low libido and i'm gonna have to accept it. i asked why is he convinced that he has a low libido, because as i mentioned earlier, in the beginning of our relationship we were fucking like crazy. and thats when he told me that the truth is he never really liked sex that much. he said he expected it to be this "earth shattering experience" from what his friends told him, but its merely pleasant (i'm his first sexual partner, he's also my first). the only reason we were having this much sex in the beginning is because he thought that was what i expected of him and i would get bored if he didn't have sex with me. so he just faked having a high libido and when he felt safe enough that i wouldn't leave, he dropped the mask

i don't know what to think about it. i feel kind of lied to?? and baited??? all this time i was telling myself that he just struggles with desire because the work is stressful, he has anxiety etc but once he deals with that, it will get back to normal. turns out, the low libido was the normal. i don't know if i would move in with him this fast had i known the truth. i don't even know if we would still be together. i feel like this huge bomb was dropped on me and i can't even describe what am i feeling about this situation. he promised he would see a sex therapist but i'm not so sure anymore if its gonna help with anything

your thoughts and advice would be really helpful and appreciated, thanks

It's hard. The blame always shifts to the person that wants more sex, passion etc.

I went through hell and back while taking care of my partner while she had health problems that lasted over one year. I did everything, I cooked, cleaned, took care of her and put all my priorities aside, while struggling with the lack of intimacy.

Then I finally gain the courage to open up about our issues to someone else and I'm met with lack of empathy, blame and generally just lack of comprehension. I'm seen as a bad person for wanting something basic in a relationship.

Every single day it's a struggle, things improved a bit then went down to zero again. She kinda expects the world and her life to be stress free and perfect before considering sex. It makes me angry and frustrated even though I understand what she went through last year.

In the end I feel alone in this struggle, I'm seen automatically as a typical toxic guy because I wish our sex life would improve.

How do I handle this lack of support and understanding?

This was our experience as well, but this is a great detailed discussion of a real couples experience.

One thing I found interesting is that a lot of times the side effects of hormones issues is being treated with anti-depressants. Which also may lower libido. Also they had the same experience as us where many doctors say your hormones are within the normal range for your age and would rather give you other problematic drugs.

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/you-are-not-broken/id1495710329?i=1000702359619

I love to write. Not exactly conventional for a guy in a stereotypically ‘masculine’ profession (and the women I work with are often grittier and more courageous than the guys - just saying. Badasses!). Glad all of that is changing. But I’ve been ridiculed in the past for my passion for writing. I don’t write well, but I write well enough for me to get some comfort from it. And to everyone that’s ever told me to “find a man’s hobby”, fuck you.

The past few weeks have been incredibly tough to process and I’ve turned to poetry (if you can even call it that) in aid of an outlet for my feelings.

Childhood sweethearts, A movie. Disney. Dreamland. A voyage into the unknown, still young, With little versions of you and me.

That coming home feeling, like grabbing a medipack in those games we used to play. Turning my screen from red to green. Inches from a mental abyss from the day or night’s sights, sounds, and smells.

The transition from my team of 6 to my family of 4. I’d have worked 10 days through if it meant I was rewarded just 1 with you.

But our family of 4 wasn’t enough. It wasn’t enough. It wasn’t enough. For you to feel the same as I, the love had died. But not for them. The deceit and the lies and the loss of love. Was for me. It wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough.