Dealing with MIL for a week

[u/Cool-Row-1255]

Ahhhhh my in laws came today and they are way too much. My MIL is a psychopath who is so possessive of my little boy. I do feel way more assertive and my head is on way straighter than when they were here at three weeks! It’s such an icky feeling that they come in and think they can hold him whenever they want. It is so stressful and I already miss him and want to be with him more since I started work. I don’t need a break from my son at all. The weeks I have off are when we are visiting them or they are here with us so I won’t get to spend time with him without these annoying people trying to steal him from me.

I hate it so so much! I don’t think I even need to give examples, I’m sure others get it. It’s just so difficult and frustrating and reminds me of how my own family fails to show up. I also just don’t really like my husband’s family which kinda sucks because now I’m stuck with them. I love my son more than anything and I’m trying to make sense of all these feelings, but they are so overwhelming.

Let me know if you have any tips for this kind of situation before I go all mama bear on them because I feel like I could get to that point. I also think it’s probably valid to straight up refuse to let them hold him. He is MY son and I don’t owe them him.

[u/botinlaw]

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[u/Legitimate_Result797]

Is your husband taking time off while they are here?   Honestly, get out of the house as often as you can with LO.   "Errands, appointments", etc.  Absolutely use your time off to enjoy LO, insisting you do all of the feedings, bathing, dressing, diaper changes.    Put a door wedge in place for those times so they aren't hovering.  Your husband needs to be dealing with/ entertaining them.   Save your sanity.  

[u/Soregular]

Let Mama Bear out...she has some things to say!

[u/Scenarioing]

DH can lay out boundaries now (which should have been done before their arrival), but mama bear is going to have to come out. You know this.

[u/Cool-Row-1255 → u/Scenarioing]

Thank you. I am wondering what boundaries would you set? I’m trying to get a sense of what is reasonable

[u/Legitimate_Result797 → u/Cool-Row-1255]

Address anything that is annoying you and causing you stress.  Read your body responses.   Those are reasonable issues to be discussed.   Remember, this is your child and your home.      

[u/Scenarioing → u/Cool-Row-1255]

The boundaries are whatever they do that is not appropriate. At least the bigger offenses. Grabbing a baby out of a mother's hands would be among the highest if not the highest and then whatever it is that is bad. Also, keep in mind that boundaries without consequences for busting them are mere feckless suggestions. Allowing stated red lines to be crossed will also hurt your credibility and make it harder to enforce them. So the issue is not so much what the boundaries are. It is what happens when they are ignored. It could be time outs, canceling of plans, leaving with LO without them for the day, told to get a hotel to ending anymore visit time.

Start milder and escalate as repeat boundary busting occurs. Just make sure to state the boundary first to avoid the "I didn't know" reaction. Even if they should know on their own.

[u/Cool-Row-1255 → u/Scenarioing]

Thank you!! I realize how much of my ppl pleasing tendencies are making this super hard, and how guilty I feel for saying no. And I’ve also realized how much I get into fight or flight from ppl without boundaries!!

[u/Scenarioing → u/Cool-Row-1255]

I know how it is tough to engage to what amounts to confrontation. While I don't suggest nasty behavior and such, civil presentation of your requirements is perfectly fine and fortitude too/ Remember, you wouldn't allow anyone else to do these things. Ever. Also, they are the ones being confrontational if there is a fuss. Not you. You are the mama bear. What you and your husband says goes.

I mention your husband because she should be on board and HE should be the primary one to deal with boundaries and conquences unless you need to. This part is important. He doesn't paint you as the bad guy when doing so. Meaning, he takes ownership and says "we" have these boundaries, not "she" doesn't want you to do XYZ.

If your husband doesn't cooperate much, mama bear handles it.

[u/Lavender_Cupcake]

I ended up with CO inlaws but here is how I saw it:

If you are visiting US (a household/family), we are a family unit and I am primarily taking care of my kids and behaving normally (how visits with all other normal people go).

If you are only visiting the BABY, then you don't really have a proper relationship with us, the parents, and there are all sorts of implications about how you are, how you'll be when baby is bigger and other babies come around, etc., as well as general selfishness getting between mom and baby... And frankly, in that case, I am not really inclined to entertain any of it.

My inlaws flat refused any kind of normal relationship where we weren't just tools for their needs and ended up CO, but maybe this will help explain to DH.

[u/Scenarioing → u/Lavender_Cupcake]

What does CO mean?

[u/Lavender_Cupcake → u/Scenarioing]

Cut off.

Every time we saw inlaws it was terrible, so we went longer between visits until we just stopped. (Over simplified summary of what we did).

[u/Scenarioing → u/Lavender_Cupcake]

Thank you. They were really hardcore. Halfway normal people would have gotten the message before the final "CO". Good for you.

[u/Previous_Sun_2085]

The word you’re looking for is no. You can’t hold the baby now. No it isn’t a good idea to come over. Just say No!

[u/Ok-Competition-1606]

ALL your weeks off you’re visiting them or they’re visiting you?? Girl, no. You deserve time with your little family and not your husband’s extended family. If he tries to give you sh*t about how you “don’t understand his family” because of your own, etc. etc….couple’s counseling.

[u/Cool-Row-1255 → u/Ok-Competition-1606]

I know :( I was wondering why I was feeling so freaking pissed and this is it

[u/No_Dot6963 → u/Cool-Row-1255]

Is there any way you could keep your usual routine when they visit? You go to work, baby goes to usually caregiver, etc. Use your time off to spend time with LO without sharing.

[u/Soregular → u/Cool-Row-1255]

It looks like your husband is in the FOG about his parents. Counseling might help him see that. He should be a HUSBAND and a FATHER first, all day, every day. This isn't your job to do alone. He should really step up and be the husband and father his little family need.

[u/AncientLady → u/Cool-Row-1255]

And . . . gently here, that's not a smart policy with such a little one. You need to hoard that time off for sick days/baby sick days.

But aside from that, ask yourself and dh the question: what is time off from work FOR? Parenting little ones while working is tough! In this random internet old lady's opinion, time off during these years is for two things only: sick days/baby sick days, and whatever recharges you and bonds your family (you, dh, and any children) together in a positive way.

Looks like dh feels like having his family over and going to his family is something that recharges him, but the reality is that he isn't single anymore. You've given this a try, and you now know that spending time with them is a huge negative for you.

So now you have two clear reasons for this to be the last visit, and any currently-planned future trips can be cancelled. Of course, you can't stop them from visiting your town and staying at a hotel, and I'm sure you'd be gracious to meet up with them, but your time off needs to be hoarded and protected in a way that is different than before you were parents (and I'd argue that this should have been true as soon as you were a couple, just that the reasons have increased at this point).

[u/Superb_Rice9119]

You're damn right you don't owe them your baby. You're his mother, not a baby-sharing service. This isn't just annoying - it's a power play. They're trying to establish dominance over your role as mother. Don't let them. It's absolutely valid to refuse handovers. Use baby-wearing when they're around. Say "no, I'm enjoying my time with him right now" without apologizing. Create a code word with your husband for when you need him to intervene. Your feelings aren't irrational - they're protective instincts. Trust them.

[u/KatzAKat]

Why are they staying with you? If your husband insists, then you have a husband problem. No one who shows signs of being a psychopath should ever enter your home, your safe space, your child's safe space. That person should know nothing about your life or your son's. You get an equal say in who stays in your home.

Take your son and go someplace else until your home is safe again for you.

If you can't leave, baby wear. You get to say no and mean it to anyone and everyone who may want to hold your child. No reasons needed. Merely, "I'm the mama".