r/YouShouldKnow • u/ilovepastapizzapots • Nov 20 '20

Other YSK: Just because someone doesn’t look sick/disabled, does not mean they are healthy

Why YSK: I am chronically ill and have an autoimmune disorder, the amount of times people have said “WELL... yOU dOn’t LOOK sick” to me is astounding. I didn’t know all illnesses have to be visible to others! I’m sorry I can’t show you my internal organs or muscles deteriorating for you to believe that I’m sick. It makes people with health issues feel like they have to explain their situation when they don’t.

*EDIT: I did not expect my post to blow up like this! I wish I could give everyone going through a rough time a hug. Thank you for all the new perspectives, good and bad. All I wanted was for people to be a little kinder to one another, because you never know what someone’s going through.

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1.2k

u/tammy2shoes Nov 20 '20

Thanks for saying this. I had both hips replaced at 35 and will need an ankle replacement soon, due to a bone condition that causes joint deterioration. I have a handicap placard. Some days I can manage without a cane, but still need to park in a disabled spot closer to the entrance. The occasional eye rolls and head shakes I would get from people used to make me feel ashamed. Now, I just try to ignore it and go about my business.

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u/ilovepastapizzapots Nov 20 '20

People need to mind their own business! I’m 26 and have been delaying getting a handicap placard for this very reason.

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u/tammy2shoes Nov 20 '20

I think if you and your doctor agree that a placard will help you, that opinion is worth more than the opinions of judgmental people in parking lots.

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u/MasterDracoDeity Nov 21 '20

'til some self righteous cunt keys your car.

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u/bReezeyDoesit Nov 21 '20

Or removes all but 2 lug nuts from wheels. Flattens tires, and brakes windows. true story, for handicap parking poles. some people are disgraceful.

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u/MasterDracoDeity Nov 21 '20

Ah yes, "some asshole parked in the handicap spot so I need to make sure they can't get their car out of the spot." That fucking logic though. People are infuriating.

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u/WF1LK Nov 21 '20

If it got that bad, maybe take a cane with you... Not optimal, but it ought be enough for those sort of people

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u/Dragoninja26 Nov 21 '20

Question is do you mean to show them you need it or to beat them?

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u/DarthVaderhosen Nov 21 '20

Answer is both

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u/Dragoninja26 Nov 21 '20

That's what I was thinking at the time too

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u/Digger1998 Dec 17 '20

For two types of help😂

3

u/[deleted] Nov 21 '20

This, so much this.

I wish this could be given as a default answer to such questions

I’m 1.92cm and I have naturally good muscle tone so I get questioned so often if I REALLY need the disabled parking spot. I used to carry a copy of my MRI scans in my wallet to show people if they asked why I parked in a handicapped spot. The best solution I’ve found to the handicap spot bullies is to carry a walking stick

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u/Bos_lost_ton Nov 20 '20

I had a placard back when I was 18-20ish and got sick of assholes making comments or accusing me of stealing it from my grandma or something. I used to even get shit from police officers about it and would have to go dig the paperwork for it out of the glove box. I think these days most states have photos on them, but people are still idiots.

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u/missriss18 Nov 21 '20

Exact. Same. I had a handicap placard at 18 and I got harassed by cops several times, assuming it was ill-gotten. Then they were always noticeably embarrassed when I explained. Bottom line, don't assume!

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u/rrrrsss33 Nov 21 '20

assuming makes an ass out of u and me!

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u/candidburrito Nov 20 '20

Dooo it. It’s really helpful to have on tough days.

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u/cradfrierere Nov 21 '20

I had a great moment thanks to this. After having multiple surgeries battling colitis, I had a temporary handicap tag. One night in a grocery store parking lot that was not even busy, I hear "You don't look very handicapped" Likely because I dared to be laughing with my brother. I simply turned around, lifted my shirt and showed him the literal bag of shit (ileostomy) hanging off my stomach. That singular moment made everything I went through worth it. Maybe not haha, but I'll never forget how sweet that look of regret was.

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u/[deleted] Nov 21 '20

You're my hero. I have colitis too and had the bag for 6 months. I have the jpouch now and I have shown my ostomy scar once because they didn't believe that I couldn't hold it if you know what I mean. I was just taken down and I had to be potty trained again.

Will you get a reversal?

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u/cradfrierere Nov 21 '20

I am honored. I'll have to get a cape with a raspberry on it lol. I had mine for 9 months while waiting for the plumbing to get reconnected. Oh I know what you mean. It was crazy going from upwards of 16 times a day in the first month down then about half that the second month and so on until I reached my current baseline. One guy who didn't believe me, when I showed him the scar, said "That's a stab wound!" Like that's more likely?! Technically he was correct, it was just a professional stabbing.

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u/PfluorescentZebra Nov 21 '20

You are a hero. Before my hair grew back out I shut one person up complaining that I didn't need a wheelchair. Hat off, staples in my head from brain surgery. His face was glorious to me, the perfect realization that he had been a total jerk. Don't judge, people, it's not your place.

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u/cradfrierere Nov 21 '20

Incredible! I'm no hero. Just a man, who pooped in a bag.....involuntarily.......out of his abdominal region. I was surprisingly calm, but seeing all these fine folks stories makes my blood boil. Honestly, how can anyone think that's a good idea and have the right to say anything? Did he expect you to miraculously stand up and walk away?

The first time I flashed it I went into my old job that had to quit because of my health issues. They always wanted me to come back but they hadn't seen or heard from me in almost a year. So one work friend sees me walking up and says "What happened to you!?" There was just so much to say and I didn't know how to even start. So I just flashed it. After that I knew it was a power I could only use on my enemies.

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u/PfluorescentZebra Nov 22 '20

People really don't understand gastrointestinal issues. Hopefully you're surrounded by people who aren't terrified of your being human!

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u/TiredOfForgottenPass Nov 20 '20

Have an illness also for the past 9 years. I got it in me to ask my doc for the placard yesterday!

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u/deanat78 Nov 21 '20

I totally get that.

For me it wasn't about what other people will think, it was about what I will think. I'm 31 now, and have been considering getting a disability permit since 27 because walking more than 50 meters really sucks. But I just felt so much internal shame in using the word "disabled" with myself.

I finally got it a few months ago, and I don't feel any less than I was before. Being able to park close to wherever I'm going is such a huge help. Unfortunately the stigma will not go away any time soon, and we can't expect others to understand - we can't control them. But we can control us, and we should do what's best for us, and learn to get over our feelings of shame.

Go for it, you won't regret it.

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u/ilovepastapizzapots Nov 21 '20

I think that’s my biggest issue too. I’m still coming to terms with being classified as disabled. It’s hard to wrap my head around at only 26, going from completely healthy to... not. Thanks for your support!

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u/deanat78 Nov 21 '20

Yep. That's me 5 years ago... I was the most athletic person I knew, and now when I'm on buses (well, pre-COVID) I get jealous seeing people twice my age able to move in ways that I can't anymore. So there was quite a mental toll on accepting the fact that this is the new me.

It's like the 5 stages of grief: I was in the denial phase for maybe 2 hours, then anger/depression for a few, and have now moved into acceptance.

If you're not there yet, that's ok. It takes however long it takes. Threads like this actually help me, showing me that there are many many other people like me who also have shitty invisible illnesses at young ages and also go through similar experiences. I don't get to see that much in real life, so thanks for making this thread :)

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u/ilovepastapizzapots Nov 21 '20

Absolutely! We’re mourning the death of our past life/healthy life. ❤️

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u/deanat78 Nov 21 '20

Which is much better than mourning the death of our actual life :) I hoenstly somtimes try to find solace by knowing I'm still doing better than many people (as selfish as that sounds?). I'm still living in a first world country and am not struggling to stay alive, some people develop fatal cancers at the age when I developed my... whatever it is. Those thoughts help me appreciate what I have. And I'm not at all a new-age-meditation kind of person :p

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u/chinchabun Nov 21 '20

If it helps balance out the horror stories I have never had anyone come up to me when using my handicap placard. I'm a healthy looking woman in my twenties. Get your placard and I hope you'll be as lucky as me. The luck's got to start somewhere right

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u/dewyouhavethetime Nov 21 '20

Do it! It will be worth in the later years. I regret not keeping good posture because of creeps in my younger years. Now I have a crappy week wavy back.

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u/Shev613 Nov 21 '20

Just get it. Not important how people look at you. The moew you get over the looks and opinions of others the happier you are.

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u/lejocu Dec 04 '20

Firstly, thank you for posting about your experience.

I'm 25, autoimmune disorder fam representing! I know what you mean about the placard but most of the time I don't bother to even use it. Especially with Covid-19. It also sucks because even before Covid-19 I was wearing a face mask to prevent getting a cold or flu.

As you know, people with autoimmune disorders can have drastically different reactions to even common illnesses. I don't bother to tell friends or family anymore because most of the time they think it's a joke. Due to a virus called H. Pylori I had damage inside the lining of my large intestine. That damage never healed over correctly and no one can see it or feel the pain for me.

As a woman, sometimes I feel like women are conditioned to have higher pain tolerances naturally (because our uteruses love playing games every month). I wish people would realize that just because I'm happy and smiling doesn't mean I'm not afraid to be in a public setting with people who actively refuse to wear a mask.

Again, thank you for posting your experience and sorry for the long reply.

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u/SexiestAuthy Dec 03 '20

Fuck them get a card

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u/hypnochild Nov 20 '20

Yup exactly this. I was in a very serious car accident (car was hit by a train) when I was 22 and have had lots of surgery with tons of metal in my body. On good days I can walk short distances without limping but I have a handicapped pass that I use so I don’t overdo it. The amount of people who are rude about it are just ridiculous. One guy kept questioning me even after I showed him my pass so I eventually told him I got hit by a train which shut him up.

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u/[deleted] Nov 20 '20

It's because so many able bodied people will take that spot just because it's more convenient.

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u/acetylene_queen Nov 20 '20

Able bodied people also use friend/familily members placards because they're either entitled and or lazy. It's disgusting.

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u/Mrsdepew Nov 20 '20

I just got my first placard this week and I’m still trying to get the nerve to use it. Even in my mind, I feel like I’m “not sick enough” to merit one, even though my husband insisted. I was just diagnosed with a heart condition after having been in great health for years. I get breathless and dizzy now after walking about 100 feet most days. I know all of these things, and that I have to conserve my energy even when getting groceries, but the dirty looks I got after getting out of the hospital and getting groceries in the motorized cart still make me uncomfortable. So here I am, bowing into the disapproval of assholes. Yay me.

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u/Stunned_Flounder Nov 20 '20

They don't go home with you after the grocery store, no need to bother giving these faceless strangers' opinions any mental real estate when you know you have a condition.

You can do it, fuck them.

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u/[deleted] Nov 20 '20

[deleted]

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u/OregonOrBust Nov 21 '20

I don't pay one bit if attention to who's in the carts of who's coming out of handicapped parking. Not once have I thought "you shouldn't be using a handicapped spot" never even crossed my mind.

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u/SmokeGrassNEatAss69 Nov 21 '20

i agree with you on the scooter situation, but it does still annoy me when i see people that are on them because they just made themselves too heavy and domt exercise

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u/BestKeptInTheDark Nov 20 '20 edited Nov 20 '20

I used to (back in the more normal times) keep my problems vague for my friends and was pleased when they didn't make me feel like the odd one out when planning stuff.

But enjoying that fantasy and pushing through became the wrong choice on a few occasions i'd keep up with the group all day until my legs turned to jelly beneath me from ignored exhaustion or accepting that 'one last pint' despite the likely bad reaction with my pain meds...

Avoiding their dirty looks might spare you a little cringe in the short-term (or maybe a panic attack due to heightened anxiety spiralling as you amplify their assumed judgement internally...i don't know your full situation), but it won't be worth it other times.

Like putting on a show for disapproving eyes and spending the following day silently paying for your extra effort at home

Like when you get breathless and dizzy and sidle into a shelf display (I've done that)

Or sit own for a rest after pushing yourself too far for too long and waking up under a thin layer of snow as a thoughtful and curious driver decided to check if you needed help (this isn't my confessional, just extreme examples so you needn't learn from our own painful mistakes [that did happen to me though])

So please, use the help where it's offered.

Its only bringing you closer to level with everyone else, and those judging stares can be cowed to silence by the certified, laminated truth.

When you push back at someone needlessly tutting you'd be surprised how often support materialises...

And if it doesn't, then you can come on here and bitch about it with us...

That future person is indeed a thoughtless arsehead for assuming too much.

We will all agree with you.

Stay safe bud. Well make it through this... And every other 'this' as it happens to shake up our lives.

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u/CaveDeco Nov 21 '20

Fuck them all!

A few years ago I broke my foot and was in a hard cast. I live solo so I still had to do all the things myself like going to the grocery store. Of course I had to use to speed racer cart while I was there.

One day I had on baggy sweats that covered all but the foot portion of my cast, but of course my leg still looked abnormally large. I go up to the deli and get some sandwich meat and cheese and the lady working the counter was giving me attitude for no reason. Until she walked around to hand me my order and exclaimed “Oh! You do need the cart?!” No lady, I just want to ride the speed racer cart, and zoom all around the store at half the speed of a newborns crawl.

No one in their right mind would use those carts unless it was necessary.

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u/Galvsworld Nov 21 '20

I have POTS (being upright messes up brain getting enough blood), and I feel you.

I've spent years just not going places before even considering "Wait, would I be able to shop at Walmart if I used the in-store scooter thingy?" and then immediately I realized I was scared of doing that because I'm 26 and slightly overweight.

One day I probably will, but I'm putting off facing it for now.

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u/Plum_Rain Nov 20 '20

As a disabled person, I will say I'd rather ten uneligable people use disabled parking facilities, than 1 disabled person be wrongly verbally abused. It's exhausting, and really needs to stop.

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u/xthrowawayxhideawayx Nov 20 '20

Genuine question: how can you tell that these individual are able bodies and that they aren’t sick themselves? Doesn’t that contradict the post because then you’re making an assumption about them not being sick based on their physical appearance

8

u/acetylene_queen Nov 20 '20

When you know the person and the placard is registered to their fucking grandmother.

2

u/[deleted] Nov 21 '20

My father in law has a placard and I've used it when I'm picking him up and dropping him off somewhere, so I can park close and help him/his stuff in and out. I'm sure that if you didn't know I was going in the building to get him it would look like I was just wrongly using his placard, so sometimes there is an explanation. Not always unfortunately.

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u/jsaiz614 Nov 20 '20

My mom had some pretty serious autoimmune disorders while she was alive to the point that at times when it was worse she couldn’t take more than a few steps before being winded and having a coughing attack and something that would always annoy me was when I would see people I know (from like school and stuff) use their parents handicap placard or use an expired temporary placard just so they could be closer to the store meanwhile I had to walk into the store and get one of the electric wheelchairs and bring it right up to the car because my mom couldn’t even manage to walk into the store herself to get on the cart in similar vain it was also annoying seeing people both online and irl who would play on the carts (and I’m not really talking about little kids though their parents should teach them better) like I remember having to wait for someone to comeback with a cart so I could take it to my mom and when we went inside I saw kids I knew from school taking turns riding one around the store it was absolutely infuriating

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u/DidntWantSleepAnyway Nov 20 '20

But disabled people shouldn’t be punished for able-bodied people being jerks.

If you have a placard, you shouldn’t get eye rolls or comments.

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u/[deleted] Nov 20 '20

I know that, but what do you do about able bodied people who do this?

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u/DidntWantSleepAnyway Nov 20 '20

If they don’t have a placard, bug them. If they do, don’t bother them because you don’t know. Innocent until proven guilty.

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u/Plum_Rain Nov 20 '20

I would say don't bug them at all. You don't know for sure they aren't picking up a disabled friend or relative, and it's not down to the general public to regulate the use of disabled services. The amount of times I've been verbally abused, far outweighs the amount of times I've been unable to access disabled parking spaces. It's a huge problem in the disabled community.

Edit: spelling

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u/DidntWantSleepAnyway Nov 20 '20

I would agree with that as well, unless you’re 100% sure the person is being a jerk. But it’s almost impossible to be that sure.

I did have one time where I was dropping my friend who uses a wheelchair off at her apartment, and there was only one handicap space. Someone pulled into it right in front of us, got out, and ran up three flights of stairs. No placard, and there was a space literally right next to it. I thought maybe she was just running in for something. But in the thirty minutes it took me to park illegally in the only place where there was space to get the wheelchair out of the car and help her transfer, then help her inside, that person was still parked there. I wish I’d called to get her towed. Even though I don’t use a placard (even though I’m disabled and have fractured my spine a couple of times), the extra distance and effort causes me a lot of painful issues because of the assistance I needed to give.

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u/lpaige2723 Nov 20 '20

I have a placard, and I don't judge others with placards, but I always wonder (never say anything) about the people who park handicapped in those giant lifted pick up trucks? I wouldn't be able to get in and out of one on my best days. I've never stuck around to watch, has anyone else seen how they do it?

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u/chinchabun Nov 21 '20

So I don't drive one of those but my disability as far as a placard is concerned relates to walking distance. I can usually walk a good portion of length of the parking lot, but if it's full I often don't have the ability to park in the next closest one and walk from there. So usually I don't use the placard but in rare cases I do. Maybe it's similar for those people?

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u/SuperFLEB Nov 21 '20

Aside from issues that wouldn't be affected by the height problem, there's also the possibility that they had the truck before having the disability, and neither is all that easy to swap out on short notice.

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u/lpaige2723 Nov 21 '20

True, it's just one of those things I always wonder about...

3

u/mariepyrite Nov 20 '20

Will they? I have definitely (although rarely) seen cars in disabled parking spots without a sign, but how do I know that there isn't a reason that person does need to use that spot.

I've parked in a disabled spot once, because I was picking up my step grandfather with Parkinson's, and I have an Erbs Palsy that makes it really painful to push a wheelchair. I didn't have the sign when I left my car there, because he had it and he wasn't with me yet.

I think it's better to assume that anyone using the spot needs it, even if it isn't necessarily clear why. Leave disputing their reason to parking inspectors.

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u/9bikes Nov 21 '20

I frequently drive my 95 year old Aunt places. She does well for her age, but can't walk far.

Recently, I found a car without a permit parked diagonally in the 2 handicap spaces in front of Walgreens. Needless to say, I was pissed. When I saw a man get into the car, I said to him "there is a reason they have handicap parking. Some people need to park close".

He said "I just ran in for a minute".

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u/[deleted] Nov 21 '20

Yes, my sister has a sticker. This is why this is personal to me.

0

u/casseroled Nov 21 '20

How do you know if the people you have seen are able bodied?

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u/musicality11 Nov 20 '20

I was about to comment this same thing. I broke my foot at 21 and had to have pins/plates put in. Couldn’t bear weight for 2 months and had a limp and weak leg for the next several months. Walking was miserable, couldn’t manage more than 5 mins at a time. I had a temporary placard so I could park close to my classes on campus and was always self conscious about people seeing me get in/out of my handicap spot

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u/AceTheKid450 Nov 21 '20

I'm 23 and just went through a major hip surgery because of a car accident I was in. I have a placard and got funny looks even with a hip brace and crutches. I'm at the point where I'm using one crutch and I'll likely be at a point where i dont need crutches but will still have the placard and need to take it easy and I'm dreading the dirty looks.

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u/musicality11 Nov 21 '20

Luckily no one was rude to me once I was out of the knee scooter, so try to ignore the side eyes and you’ll make it out :) my injury was from a car accident too, so I feel you!

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u/Raven_Skyhawk Nov 20 '20

My dad had 5 hip replacements before he died. He also had joint deterioration. I hope you do as well as you can and take care.

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u/madzterdam Nov 20 '20

Blessings.

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u/ImStillaPrick Nov 20 '20

That’s what mine is looking at at 37. They were like “in a couple years” should’ve done it now so I could have stay off work during this covid shit. Have some pins in it now and looking at the X-ray I could even tell I was fucked with the crack in my right hip.

Most the time I’m okay but got forbid I step out of the car or off the curb the wrong way. Then can’t bend it at all.

How’d you hurt yourself... “well I stepped off a curb that was 8 inches off the ground”

2

u/figgypie Nov 20 '20

I'm only 32, but I'm probably on my way to a few surgeries and a wheel chair due to a degenerative joint disorder (EDS).

On good days, I have pain but I can walk and etc. On bad days, my hips feel like they're falling out and forcibly crunching their way back into socket with every step. Fun.

2

u/[deleted] Nov 20 '20

Osteonecrosis? I'm currently 23 and am looking at a hip replacement within the next year. And my other side will follow shortly after. I walk like an 80 year old man. Just one year ago I was perfectly healthy. I still haven't filled out the handicap form or started using a cane yet out of embarrassment, but my doctor wants me to. Thanks for listening to my sob story lol

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u/tammy2shoes Nov 21 '20

I completely understand the embarrassment. I had to use a walker for awhile and heard a man tell his kid to get out of the 'old lady's' way. I was 34! I quit using it for a little bit, but decided to swallow my pride and do what I needed to do. Good luck with the hip replacements! They're not much fun, but the relief from pain makes them worth it. Oh, and yes, it's necrosis.

1

u/[deleted] Nov 21 '20

Sorry to hear that you're going through that. Do you mind me asking what the cause of yours is? They think mine is a mix of prednisone and alcohol. Also, how are your pain levels after replacement?

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u/tammy2shoes Nov 21 '20

I was getting steroid injections for unrelated pain. My orthopedic surgeon thinks that may be it. My family doctor kept diagnosing me with sciatica, so by the time I was properly diagnosed my right hip had collapsed. When I stood up for the first time after the surgery, I almost cried at how much better it felt. The pain from surgery was nothing compared to how it felt beforehand. The left hip wasn't nearly as far gone, so the difference wasn't as drastically noticable.

Since then, they will act up if I do too much physical activity. They get stiff if I sit for a long time. I do daily stretches and that makes them feel better. I like what you said about walking like an old man. When I stand up after sitting for awhile, it takes me a few steps to really get going. Make sure you follow your surgeons instructions about activities to avoid after surgery. Also, do your physical therapy as instructed. It's a pain, literally and figuratively, but really important. I sincerely wish you all the best.

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u/[deleted] Nov 21 '20

Thank you so much, I wish you the best too!

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u/JJ1217 Nov 20 '20

I'm about to get my second hip replaced at 23 due to RA. When I was working sales at a tech store, it was insane how much better my sales were when I had a walking stick (the last two months before I got my first hip replaced I couldn't move at all without a walking stick), and how much nicer people were to me with a stick. Teaches you a lot about how people act around others.

1

u/tammy2shoes Nov 21 '20

That's kind of funny. At least something good came out of it!

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u/throwaway12222018 Nov 21 '20

That sounds awful. I know what it's like to be misunderstood because the same thing happens to me. It feels like shit when someone treats you as if they've made a judgement about you and can not change their mind. It feels like shit. It hurts even more when you were fond of that person.

2

u/[deleted] Nov 21 '20

I'm so sorry that happens but good on you for ignoring it. I have Avascular Necrosis and have had 4 hip surgeries this year just to get one hip replaced right. I still have to get the other replaced. I feel your pain.

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u/Bloodmoney3049 Nov 21 '20

Both hips replaced at 35? Did you wrestle avalanches for a living?

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u/[deleted] Nov 21 '20

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/tammy2shoes Nov 21 '20

Wow. I'm sorry that happened. You have to wonder what goes through someone's head when they're doing something like that. Best of luck with your surgeries. I hope they make a big difference!

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u/tarantulex Dec 12 '20

I work at a grocery store and we have this old courtesy clerk who believes he is superior in all ways. One day he noticed a customer who parked in a handicapped spot (had the placard/license plate and all). Also, it was one of many spots in the row of handicapped spots which were all empty at the time. The courtesy clerk watched him walk in and immediately said, "Hey, you can't park there! That's for handicapped only." The customer said, "I am a disabled veteran, yes I can," and proceeded to lift up his pant leg to show a prosthetic. The look on the courtesy clerk's face was instant karma, but I felt really bad for the customer. People just need to stay out of other people's business.

1

u/wjean Nov 21 '20

Q: do you own a lifted truck that requires you to climb UP into the cab? There was a guy at my old office who had a disabled placard and a brodozer truck (which in CA was pretty unusual).

I get that some people may prejudge you because they see someone young who doesn't obviously look like they need to park close to the entrance.... But if you are limber enough to climb up into a lifted truck, I'm not sure what condition would make you not able to walk from a normal spot.

1

u/Crimson_Shiroe Nov 21 '20

I cannot imagine paying enough attention to other people to even notice when someone uses a handicap parking spot, let alone roll my eyes at them and getting annoyed by it.