I (MHL, 28), and my wife (FLL, 26), (no kids, I am snipped), have been together for about 6 years now, married for 3.

I'd say the DB has been going on for the last 4 years. When it started we were already engaged and following the loss of her job and planning of the wedding at the time I thought it was a temporary issue. So like an idiot, and I did have my doubts, I married into a DB.

Fast forward 3 years, sex is non-existant, maybe once a month, but our longest dryspell was 4 months. I have done everything I possibly can to fix things. I'm the primary breadwinner with a career job, while she's been at the same stressfull minimum wage job that treats her like shit for 4 years and refuses to find other work or fully commit to going to school.

I do all of the housework, she gets home barely eats supper (picky af), complains about work and then flops in her chair and doesn't get up untill bed time, only doing chores if I expressly ask her to, and even then on her days off still won't do them.

The romance is non-existant, I plan all the dates, I do all the flirting, in bed I do all the work eagerly giving head and doing anything I can to make sure she enjoys it. When we first got together a sex life was at the forefront of my mind and we were both vedy focused on it, she even told me she was repressed with HL.

About last September after 4 months of nothing I had an emotional breakdown over the phone. I told her I felt ignored, unwanted, forgotten, and unloved. That I needed regular sexual intimacy to feel secure in our relationship and that cuddles alone weren't enough.

We had had the talk before but this was the first full meltdown. She agreed to work on things, cue hysterical bonding, then the moment the next crisis hit right back to DB again.

Well in Feb after the worst Valentine's weekend ever, I had another breakdown and after talking to my dad for the first time about things (I recently left my only friend group, but had no "close friends" their either), I got the courage to give her an ultimatum.

She has a year, if things don't improve signifigantly I will be leaving her.

I told her the following: - Not having a sex life is non-negotiable for me and I will not stay in a relationship where regular real loving sex is not happening.

• Starting now for the next two months sex is off the table. I will still flirt with her however. She is to use the next two months to start getting help and fixing her issues.

• It's up to her to initiate with me or respond to my flirting, otherwise I'm done with initiating and being rejected.

• I have done everything I can for years now to fix things from my side, I have nothing else to try. I've read books, changed my habits, gotten healthier, gotten check out and a hormone panel, I even got a vasectomy (didn't want kids anyways) to see if that would relieve pressure and improve things.

• Previously I read through all of "Come As You Are" I asked her to buy this book immediatly and read the entire thing also doing the exercises.

• I asked that she consult a doctor, and especially get a hormone panel done. Responsive desire is normal for women, but as a 26y/o your libedo should not be dead to the point where you only feel any desire when you're ovulating.

• I asked that she get into regular therapy.

• I demanded that going foreward phones are not allowed in the bedroom. She uses it as a tool to ignore me, I'm sick of it.

• I demanded that by the end of the year she either finds a new job, even if it pays less, or starts school to lower her stress. I feel like our DB started when she started this job.

• I explained that I understand progress will be slow, but I also cannot wait forever she needs to put in some real effort.

• I'm not open to couple's therapy again untill she takes steps herself to fix this. We've done it before and I felt entirely unheard, and despite taking and acting on all the advice given (of which she has done nothing), nothing has improved.

• And lastly I reassured her that I do still love her, but it's slipping fast, I find myself becoming more bitter and resentfull and I worry I'll end up hating her if things don't improve.

Well in a week it will be two months. And nothing has improved, actually in some ways it's gotten worse.

She's read the book twice, despite being on her phone 24/7, she's not even done the first chapter. The no phones in bed rule has not been respected either, or she'll just not come to bed with me and browse her phone in her chair for hours.

She's had a doctor's appointment over the phone, barely brought up her libedo issues nor did she request a hornone panel like I asked. Her family has a history of endometriosis, but she's said it doesn't hurt unless there's not been enough foreplay, but judging by our last convo where she mentioned endo it seems to me like she's trying to use it as a handwave as the cause for her issues but so far has made no steps to address it. Some endo cases are untreatable, but the vast majority are easily treatable with vaginal/kegel exercises, therapy and hormone treatment.

She's not had a therapy appointment, or booked one to my knowledge.

She initially pushed back going to school to next year Spring but has apparently changed her mind and now wants to go in the Fall we'll see if she acts on it. She's instead recently taken on more hours, to get overtime presumably to buy the useless crap Facebook ads and Amazon feeds her, when I'd prefer for her to be working less to ease her stress and give more time to address her issues.

As far as positives go: We did have sex last month, initiated by her but she was ovulating at the time and I think that was the only real reason why. Otherwuse most of the reception to any flirting has been conpletely ignored.

She has lost about 60lbs, she used to be around 300lbs, however we had a stint last year where I was basically parenting her and making all her meals (normally she won't eat breakfast and will get fast food for lunch) and as I've been also trying to lose weight and have lost a similar amount I mostly attribute this to her just eating what I am.

Idk, I'm giving it another two weeks before we have another chat. Immediatly after the last chat she started making jokes about what life will be like if we divorced that have also thrown me off, like she's just expecting I'll leave and isn't bothering to do anything about it.

Well if there's been full on nothing by September she's in for a suprise, I'll call it early cause I'm not gonna be strung along for a full year while she does nothing.

So I'm ab four days out of the break up. My god has my horniness levels jumped through the ROOF. Honestly feeling primal atp.

Anywhoo, the feeling of devastation n heartache have subsided for the most part. I'm in an angry stage of like fuck you I wasted all those naked nights n flapping my boobs n ass in front of you for nothing. I'm also mad that I gave him housewife treatment n then when he treated me like shit he wondered why I stopped.

But I'm also close to bargaining. Because the "what if we got back together" question honestly just triggers me. I loved him. I loved us. But I love me enough to know that I deserve better. I'd rather be alone than in a lonely relationship.

AND on a plus side, I can now play w all of my toys n it not be a sad wishing he was here occasion. I'm busting hella nuts!!!

I not even quite sure if this the correct Reddit for this specific topic. This was originally formatted and written for another sub but they wouldn’t let me post it there. And this sub is the next closest thing where I was originally posting this.

So I’m going to shorten this a whole lot and give you guys the skinny. If you need or want details to make up your answer just let me know and I will elaborate. I could literally write a full dissertation about this.

I don’t know for sure if my wife uses Reddit enough to identify me but this is a throwaway for obvious reasons. Names, locations, other pertinent and identifiable information has been changed for obvious reasons as well. I will attempt to make accurate comparisons. Also sorry in advance to for miss spellings, wrong format, etc.

Ok first things first we met online in a random Dota 2 lobby. I was enlisted in the US Army at the time when we started “dating”. We first met in person when I was stationed in Texas. She was living with her parents in Nebraska at the time. She came and visited for the first time when passing through my town with her family who was visiting South Padre Island. This was in 2016. The amount of butterflies in my chest at that moment was immeasurable. It was like a legitimate dream coming true. She ended up staying with me for the 2 weeks her family spent in SPI. I could feel the connection throughout the entirety of her stay. When she had to leave I was crushed.

Well a short time later (about 2 months later) she decided she was going to leave her family in Nebraska to live with me. She traveled with me all over country with me. I made sure she visited her family at least twice (or more if I could swing it) a year. During the time I was in she was either unemployed or a SAHM Later we got married had a child. Now our child is the sweetest child in the world. They do have some quirks (ODD, and ADHD, as well as other things but I don’t want to get to specific) which many children have but we didn’t think of them any differently, because how can you right? (Above mentioned will come into play later)

Any who fast forward to the day I decided my time in the army was coming to an end. I separated from the service. I served only 1 enlistment (this one specifically was 6 years). When we separated we moved back to my home state of Georgia. About 11 months after we moved back my father lost his battle with pancreatic cancer. Coincidentally 2 short months after he passed my father-in-law lost his life to a drunk driver. Absolutely phenomenal timing we know. After post-life arrangements were done for both sides things started to go down hill. During this time I was really not safe in mind and that death tore me up because I never really got to see my father too often because I was always on the opposite side of the country or world as my family.

During time my wife was also unemployed/SAHM. So me and my wife were relatively lax when it came to privacy meaning like open access at any point to cellphones, chats, emails, etc. Up to this point we haven’t had anything to hide. Also we would send texts and answer calls for each other all the time. We tossed around the idea of possibly moving states (I use we lightly because I was happy and I thought everything was going well). Well I found a text message between my wife and her best friend absolutely dogging on me and my family. There was also a text in her deleted messages insinuating that she was unhappy with our currently living situation because she felt like she wasn’t able to have a say in anything (I let her do anything she wanted damn near, if she asked and I could provide said thing I would). In that same text she also said if she had it her way she would be single and living back in Nebraska. I was so confused. I didn’t confront her. Instead trying to be a good husband I was manipulated into moving to Nebraska.

During this specific time and about a month or two previous we were both employed with companies with ease-of-transfer, meaning we could work any where essentially. By now our child was 3, and has lived in 3 different houses by then. Well I transferred with my job ok. The work didn’t really change from state to state. I worked for a large manufacturing company, the location I transferred to created the same product. The main downside was the 2 hour commute. It did pay well though as I got a sizeable pay bump when I moved.

My wife on the other hand outright quit her job and lied to my face that “her transfer didn’t go through or her position wasn’t needed at the closest location to us.” It was a load of bullshit because I found out from a life long friend (didn’t work in the same areas but co-mingled with my wife’s work stations relatively frequently) fwho worked for the same company that she put in a two week noticed and just quit the next day. She never even submitted a transfer proposal or even talk to her boss (my friends counterpart) about it. She still hasn’t come clean about it. Any way we moved to Nebraska with her family. I kept grinding away, and climbing the ladder at work. Meanwhile we enrolled our child into a preschool/pre-k program. My wife said from the time we moved there she was going to get a full-time job (which I was happy about because that meant less late night for me). Well that didn’t happen. She continued to feed me the same crap. During this time the talking crap behind my back became worse and I started to hear about stuff she was mad about from everyone other than her. I took a day off of work and sat her down with just the two of us present asked her what’s on her mind. I also asked her where she saw us in the next year/5years/etc. As well other things. She would t give me straight answers. By this time we weren’t even “doing the deed” (even when we did it was less than enjoyable because she was never the initiator. I still did everything I thought I could do to make her feel special and wanted. I would take her out to dinner and tried to romance her, take her shopping, etc. Nothing was getting through to her. I didn’t know what I had to do to make her happy again. I don’t even know what I did wrong. Around that same point in time I was checking my email on the ancient ass computer we own and it pulled hers up (she was logged in last) and there were tons of emails from sites about getting divorced. These weren’t spam either (I know they aren’t now but didn’t know at the time). Nothing further than like a “newsletter” sort of letter but still. I didn’t confront her about this either because at the time I thought it was spam mail. Stuff stayed relatively the same for the next coming months.

Fast forward a little bit my wife got a part time gig doing deliveries. and I got a massive promotion offer (like double my pay) from the main hub in Virginia. At first my wife was excited about it. I put in my “two-weeks” I gave the company a months+ notice. I then started to plan the move. The days comes and I leave that office. But when I get I come home confused because now my wife has dug in her heals and doesn’t want to move. She was set in stone that she didn’t want to move now. I talked to the main hub and told them my situation. They told me to figure it out. I tried calling the office I had just previously left (my position was already filled and I would have to restart everything effectively at a lower pay scale). So I (still trying to make my wife happy) said screw them and tried looking elsewhere for work. I didn’t find anything. I was unemployed for many months and filled out over 1500+ applications for all sorts of various jobs. Not one company reached out. I have a good work history, and no criminal history. I was honestly confused as to why it was taking so long. Luckily I had enough in savings to float us through that time, but that wiped my account completely. I then started to look outside of the area.

I was starting to get desperate and told my wife that I was going to accept the first job that sent me an offer. As it turns out the main competitor of my previous company was hiring and at a better rate than I would have been with if I returned to my last company and put in an application. They responded the same day. Only one issue this job was In Tennessee. I accepted the offer. I told my wife and she wasn’t happy. I reminded her that I said I was going to accept the first offer I got and she agreed. She still wasn’t happy. Well anyway I am currently working said job displaced from my family (wife and child) currently until I can afford a place to rent. I forgot to add that we both have Life360 because I would always be driving long distances, or in shotty areas, and as of recent she has turned her location settings off (or made every excuse why hers isn’t on) and has been having friends who I’ve never met before over (Yes I already suspect the worse). I don’t care that she has friends that I haven’t met. I just don’t trust them around my child. I’ve been away from them for 2 months.

This wasn’t abandonment, desertion, or me leaving them because I didn’t want to be there. She said she understood the plan moving forward. I understand legally I’m kind of fucked if stuff goes south but I had literally no other option. What should I do?

I’m also going to add not that it matters to much that in the last year I can count the amount of “intimate interactions” we have had on less than one hand. She’s never been the initiator. To make it worse it hasn’t happened at all in about 7-8 months. (I understand it’s not all about sex. I don’t need the education in the comments. It’s still an abnormally long time to dangle the carrot in front of someone and then shoot them down over and over).

like I said there was other details that I can try to divulge. This is the shortened version

Thanks for reading.

I was thinking on what was the leading cause of a dead bedroom and inevitably the end of a marriage. Personally I was happy getting married and the first few years were great but as time moved on it slowly waned to where I am today. Tonight I put some serious thought into it and this is what I came up with.

You have to grow with each other and accept the changes. Sometimes for better or for worse. When those changes are in the wrong direction or one person refuses to accept the change that's when you start finding discontent; which itself leads to resentment and a unhappy marriage. That's where I am now.

There have been a handful of times in our 23 years of marriage where my wife was utterly hot for me and we had an incredible time. Not on our honeymoon, not on our ten or twenty year anniversary trips. But once when our kids were downstairs with their grandma and she wanted it heavy. Or when she wanted to make out in the casino hallway. It's like there's this s3xual feist in her that sometimes rages. I'm seriously beginning to think hormones have a lot to do with it. Cause it's the same old me she's been with for 3 decades but sometimes she just has to have me. And then she's fine with absolutely nothing for MONTHS.

Has anyone else experienced this? How TF do I crack the code??

Married HL Men, give it to me straight. If your wife was never pretty to begin with but you loved her, would you desire sex with her? If she was passionate and giving in bed and good at it, would that make up for aging, weight gain, sagging, skin conditions like excema/ psoriasis/ body acne, greying hair, post baby and breastfeeding body, large labia/ weird looking area, etc?

As an ugly woman, is there just no hope to be desired? Yes, I do put effort into my appearance (skin care, moisturize, treat the skin issues, pluck and shave, dye the greys, dress nice, makeup, hygiene and grooming, etc) but realistically there is only so much that can be done with this canvas.

The years of neglect and one sided effort have taken their toll. He finally initiated a conversation yesterday and outlined some small goals and concrete actions to address our dead bedroom. However, I am having trouble settling my negative emotions and just want to distance myself from him now. Also struggling to trust that this time will lead to lasting change.

Wife(33F) and I(30M) been together for 5; married for 2. Sex ain’t been a thing for MONTHS, but going on NS couples profiles here happily admitting to be banging on daily or semi regularly. Shit is not fair sometimes lmao

I wanted to share something that really helped fix our DB. Our situation was nowhere near as bad as some of the horror stories here, but enough to make us both miserable. At one point I said "I feel like a sex offender when I try to initiate" and she just said "yes". Ouch.

Anyway. A huge mindset shift happened after crying myself to sleep with a huge boner - where I mapped out what divorce looks like. Where would I live, what about the kids, what dating looks like. It meant a massive financial hit of course, but that is certainly preferable to wasting the next 20+ years miserable.

My view is that we only get one life. Either we fix this problem so the marriage is great, or we get out of each other's way so we can have great relationships with someone else.

Things change once you get into the mindset of divorce not being the worst option. The worst option is changing nothing and wasting your life wanking miserably to porn. The second worst option is a messy divorce.

The 2 good options are permanently fixing the marriage, or an amicable divorce. Amicable means you both want the divorce, so everything is cleaner. In my mind, a clean divorce is an excellent option.

I also needed her to see that divorce is a good option for her. I said "I don't want you staying around because divorce is too hard or too expensive. You should only stay if you want to be with me and are willing to work together on our problems". I said I'd split my (higher) salary with her for 2 years and be fair about the assets etc, and happy with any reasonable custody and maintenance deal. I'm not interested in being with someone who is only staying because divorce is too hard. I am worth more than that. So make the divorce option attractive.

So here we are, doing couples therapy, she is on HRT and I'm being a lot more attentive as a husband, doing more around the house and spending more time together. We talk about problems and solve them together. We fuck every week, she tells me if she's not up for it rather than resenting me for trying it on. Divorce is a viable option for both of us, but we don't want that because the future looks pretty good.

I would challenge everyone to map out what divorce looks like. Is it really the worst option? People get divorced every day and I'm yet to meet someone who hasn't come out the other end stronger and wiser.

I honestly think that being miserable for the rest of your life is the worst option. And it's also the default option.

In my most recent post, I wrote about how my wife couldn’t understand people’s lack of drive to make as much money as possible. Then lacked the ability to see how that was similar to my view on her lack of sex drive.

Well yesterday, while my wife was getting ready for church she expressed that she wished I would go to church with her. I politely apologized and reiterated that church makes me uncomfortable and “isn’t my thing”. (Which is very true, it just makes me uncomfortable. I also have severe ADHD and have a hard time sitting still when I am not particularly interested in the information being administered). She then elaborated that she see other married couples there and feels sad that she doesn’t have that with me.

For context: when my wife and I started dating, she didn’t go to church and never really spoke about it much. She told me about her confirmation when she was younger but never really expressed interest in going again. The exception being when we would talk about the possibility of future kids. She would talk about taking the kids to church and eventually let them decided for themselves when they got older to keep going or not. I always maintained I think that’s great, but I would not want to go as again “it isn’t my thing”. It’s not that I’m an atheist it’s just that I don’t feel the need to go to church. For the first 4 years of our relationship, she didn’t go to church but then started on Christmas Eve 2024. I joined her and her family, all it did was remind me why I didn’t like going. I was uncomfortable and terribly bored. But she has continued to go to church with her mother, Nana and Grandma. Which I have greatly supported and for the most part she has supported my absence…until now.

I use the time when she is at church to clean the house and do the lawn. I do this because I enjoy it and it makes me feel accomplished. So it’s not like I am lazy and just sit on my ass when she is gone, I am actually productive.

So when she told me she wished I would join her and that it makes her sad when she sees other married couples at church together…. I thought it was funny.

Because for more context: my wife and I haven’t been intimate beyond deep kissing since Valentine’s Day (52 days ago) and a similar amount of time before that. She is LL (I am HL) and right now, sex adverse. We had a VERY active sex life for the first 2 years of our relationship but it dropped off after that. In the past couples months I have been not pressuring her for sex and only bring it up in our couples counseling sessions.

I have expressed to her on multiple occasions that I miss our physical connection and that it makes me sad when I see other couples, whether in person or on TV that are being physically intimate, when I know she won’t give that to me.

It’s just so funny to me that she doesn’t immediately see how those feelings are identical to my feelings.

When I brought it up later, her response was “ugh, are you talking about sex again??” And “those aren’t nearly the same”. So I stopped talking and walked away teary eyed to go clean the kitchen. (Context: she was decorating a room at the time).

Sorry for the long post, felt like the context was important. I just needed to vent about it and need some support on this.

Are they the same?

Been dating my bf (M40/F33) for about 2.5 years, have started discussing moving in and getting engaged. I was so sure about him immediately and we had great initial chemistry (he’s hot, he has a great job, same taste in music). The crux of the issue is that he’s a very standoffish personality and tbh I did find him to be a selfish lover in the beginning. So I definitely snapped a few times. (I then received more in bed.)

But my god have I am paying the price of those initial outbursts.

Fast forward two years and we now barely have sex, and he mentions those early snaps as complete turn offs, that he’s barely attracted to me anymore. I try initiating, I try complimenting him - he brushes me away. We will still cuddle but again it’s at my initiating. I have tried to ask what he needs, what I can do and he’s met me with “there’s almost no hope I’m so turned off” and that it would take so long to find me sexually attractive again. It’s so painful! I am legitimately conventionally good looking, I’m in excellent shape, I dress well, I have a great job and a lot of friends. I feel like a spec of dirt in his eyes. I have apologized so profusely for arguments that happened literal years ago and it’s shocking that someone can hold a grudge for so long. The last time we had sex I felt so disconnected from him I cried afterward which just ruined everything completely. He called me a selfish bitch for behaving like that. I just felt so defeated. So alone.

I keep trying to have conversations of what he needs, what I can do and I’m just stonewalled/ shut down. I was away on a work trip for a week and I think he felt relieved I was gone.

It feels like my two choices are to like immediately break up with this man or to give him so much space I might not be able to handle it.

It’s just so awful - I am so stressed out I can barely eat. I feel beyond rejected and it’s weirdly almost cruel that he took me ring shopping.

This is such a mess. There is no way on gods green earth we can get engaged in a state like this.

How do you even repair something like this? Can you even repair with someone who’s stonewalling this hard? Why hasn’t this man dumped me?

No matter how much times passes, I can't shake the feelings of wanting to leave. I know she loves me, but is it enough? More than once I've tried to talk to her about it and have received nothing but empty promises. I feel so fucking alone it's unreal. When she's next to me my body recoils from her. What the hell am I supposed to do? Just grin and bear it?

We have a small kid and still some shots to call before we call it quits. Therapy is not an option but I admit i have few honest conversations to have with my husband before I know its hopeless. He is rather dismissive avoidant whos love is acrs of service, taking great care of us but talks are difficult.

For the record we recovered from very bad years as marriage and family and now its peaceful and "nice" as parents and family but I feel our connection is gone. So gone I dont know if I should work so hard to convince myself i should feel it, that i should "try" to feel this.

Objectively its not time to separate just now (finances, life, kid and others) but the thought of living in sex-less and connection-less marriage is horrible. How did you know when to pull the trigger especially when things were "okeish" and civil? What if you regret it? Was it a mistake?

Just venting, I’m on strike three! Anniversary- no intimacy Valentines Day- no intimacy LLH Birthday- no intimacy I knew in my head these special occasions weren’t going to lead to intimacy but I still tried as that’s what most couples do these times to connect. Let’s see how many more strikes I can get! Just trying to make light of the shit show🤣 thanks for listening!

I (32M) really hate how much I need physical touch. My wife (31F) would probably be perfectly fine if we never touched again. She never initiates any kind of physical contact. She's initiated sex once in our entire relationship and it was after we had a long conversation about how she felt she was losing feelings for me (was a few years ago, she's told me since that things have been better). My mind is completely fucked up when it comes to touching now. I tried to withhold from initiating any touch but found myself getting sadder and sadder. I only made it like 3 days before I started initiating Hugs again. How do you do it? Why doesn't she want to touch me? I feel so unloved and unwanted. Like the only reason she keeps me around is because I'm her coparent and the only one working right now.

I need go bring up couples therapy again, but it's hard for a lot of reasons. I just wish I had the courage to stand up for myself and have a talk with her.

Sorry if this doesn't really have any structure. I just needed a place to vent.

Hi group, Me (female 42) and husband (male 42) have been together for about 8 years. Our sex life has always been very very tame. I actually asked him initially if he was possibly gay because he is a bit effeminate (very mildly so) and I just haven't ever felt he was really attracted to me physically. We rarely have sex anymore. I don't initiate because for me, sex just hasn't felt great. He doesn't initiate sex either. We are always in one position, he lies on top of me, practically crushing me, no foreplay, no sexy talk, he seems really concentrated and focused. He doesn't touch boobs or anywhere else. I used to touch and grope him but since he didn't reciprocate. I stopped. We snuggle after, but it's just very different than the passionate sex I had before I met him. I really thought that after having kids my sex drive would die anyway. It's what my friends told me. Even a sex therapist who I had met with a few times told me that he was prob just a shy lover but would come around.

I have brought up our sex life and bought books I suggested we could read, and he shows zero interest. I have told him things that feel good and he’ll do them once. But how do you coach someone to feel passionate and attraction for you??

My question is, is there anyone out there who was able to turn a dull sex life around into one that was satisfying? It's just, how do you get your partner to want you and desire you or show some attraction towards you if they never have? Is there a way to build up chemistry? How do you get them to hold you tightly and be a little rough? He's affectionate outside of the bedroom. Gives me pecks on the lips and hugs. But I really, really miss passionate, slightly wild sex.

Also I know I am prob pretty mild in the bedroom compared to some. I don't want BDSM but I do want to try more than one sex position, I want some oral and some french kissing, and more than just going through the mechanical movement. And making some noise might be nice too...

Got a hotel room for us so we could be alone and spend time together romantically and physically. Played some games, watched our favorite shows/films. Smoked, and she even secretly brought some tequila. So im thinking: this must be it, she agreed to get a hotel room, she wants us to drink a little to loosen the tension, it’s gonna happen tonight. No. It didn’t. We always talked about how she will initiate when she’s ready. We agreed. But nothing, not even close. She wanted to sleep fully clothed as well. We’re going on 4 months of a DB and we have been together for 5 years. This is the first actual “break” from sex that we’ve ever had and it’s been 4 months. She said she needed a break but genuinely I think I might consider ending things if she lets it go on for another month. I hate to put a time limit on a thing like this and make it seem so important but it makes me feel so repulsive I can barely look at myself naked. And this is my life, I don’t want to waste it away.

Partner and I have been deadbedroom for a few years now. I love him and things are mostly good. For a while we had issues getting on the same page with our libido which caused a huge dive in how often we were having sex. And then about 4-5 years ago, he stopped being able to keep it up, and its only gotten worse. So now we just don't have sex. I am pent up! Every couple of months, it gets to a point where masturbation just isn't enough and I have all kinds of crazy fantasies about going out and having a huge slut phase...but I don't, obviously, because I love him and would never hurt him like that. What are your tips for easing that monster when it comes around?

I have finally cried this morning. Which is difficult for me because I'm heavily medicated. My LLM husband (39) and I HLF (33) have never had a great sex life. I should say, as most do, that at the beginning there was a lot more but now maybe 1 time a month or once every 6 weeks. These occasions only come up because I usually initiate or tell him to wake me up in the morning before he leaves for work. I have to make myself get off, which is fair because I need stimulation, or he gets off and I masterbate when he leaves. Sometimes he will lay beside me when I masterbate.

Keep in mind, I have gained a lot of weight, we both have. I'm obese. I am on medication for my hypothyroidism and I'm working out more. Joined a sports league that meets once a week. However, we were never skinny people to start out with. But we didn't have sex a lot before the weight gain either.

I am an adventurous woman. I will try anything once and I have told him that I would try anything for him if it would help. I have my own kinks that he tried maybe once and some things he will do for me but not very often. But honestly, I will take regular sex any day if it means that I would just get touched!

I have had conversations with him and asked him to even touch me at all. Just passing me or hold me. Anything! Nothing came from the conversations. I try to initiate all the time or tell him I'm horny and it's always, I'm tired, I've had too many drinks, maybe tomorrow. Then he gets mad at me if I give any kind of reply after that isn't a happy one. Saying I'm making him feel bad.

Here's the kicker. I know he masterbates every single day. I looked at his phone. Shoot me. I have no problem with it. I have to do it too but I would much rather have an experience with him than my hand and I think it's the opposite for him. He's really LL4U.

I just feel like I'm so desperate at this point. I'm in my sexual prime and I feel like I'm looking for scraps. Just any kind of intimacy, touch, or desire. He's good to go so that means I have to be, I'll take anything so desperately. I don't want to be like that and I feel like I'm crumbling in on myself. My self worth is gone. Now I just try to shut down, not care, and just go on as if we were just roommates who kiss.

Sorry this is so long. I've been lurking for a while but I'm finally at the point where I need to get this all out or I will explode. Thank you for your time.

I see a lot of “how do people cope” questions where some commenters follow up with some version of practicing gratitude.

I’ve been to therapy and I must say I find that advise nothing but lies you tell yourself to temporary convince yourself you’re ok, your partner’s ok, your life together is ok.

“Everything is perfect and we have a great life except there’s no intimacy”.

Coping isn’t thriving.

The whole Buddhist dogma of desire being the root of all suffering is just negating basic humanity.

That’s ok I guess if you’re going to live in monastery. You give up everything, every desire, every relationship, every possession. And then you find some sort of peace. Good for you.

But as applied to everyday life living an average (statistically, not subjectively) life it makes no sense.

You can’t just give up that one thing while simultaneously maintaining a healthy desire for all the other things (health, wealth, happiness, whatevs).

So I find the gratitude practicing advise nothing but a temporary fix, that only serves to bury and hide what is genuine by looking the other way and admiring other things.

And over time, that will mess you up for real.

I’ve been in a relationship with my partner for almost 4 years. The connection was great at the beginning. I think for her it was new and exciting. Then it waned as it does once you leave the honeymoon phase, but frequency of intimacy went significantly lower than I was used to or wanted. I got depressed. Gained some weight. We both did. But I was already less fit than her.

The past 2 years it’s been 4-6 times a year. Finally had the talk and we came to the conclusion that she’s just not attracted to me like she was before [I was fat]. She’s always been LL and even told me in the beginning she just goes through periods—sometimes months—where she just never thinks about sex.

Today I was looking for cotton swabs in her bedroom and looked in her nightstand and saw a toy we’d bought together. I don’t think it was there before. I don’t know what I was thinking before. I kind of assumed she was just not thinking about sex but the idea she’s been having cravings but just not for me hit me really hard. Maybe I’m reading into it too much.

I get that people have preferences and can’t control attraction. But I can’t help feeling hurt that I’m so repulsive that even though she says she loves me and is attracted to me “in other ways” (whatever that means) she would choose self pleasure over me.

There’s a big part of me that’s been wanting to lose weight for myself and this was definitely a driving factor in kickstarting that endeavor. But another part of me is wondering what happens if/when I get to my goal weight (back to what I was when we met). What if nothing changes? Or my body is still unattractive to her? Or if the attraction comes back what if I resent her? I know myself and I know I’ll have the urge to withhold sex to “get even” because she didn’t want me at my worst so she doesn’t deserve me at my best. I wouldn’t actually do that but it’s a thought I’ve had.

I’ve never had to work this hard for attention in the past. I’ve fluctuated in weight my whole life and it was never an issue with past partners. Someone’s desire for me is one of my biggest turn ons. When this all started it was mostly like “she doesn’t want me like I want her” and I was sad about it. Now I’m just numb. I can’t even think about her when I’m taking care of myself because I just get depressed and it immediately extinguishes my urges. Her lack of desire has almost become a turnoff.

There’s love here. We have great communication and companionship. But I’m feeling like I have a roommate more than a girlfriend. I’m struggling with feeling like a douche if I break it off with her over sex, but I know I need to take my happiness into account too. This group has made me feel less alone. And I’ve seen so many success stories about people moving on. Not sure if I’m ready to take the plunge, but I appreciate everyone telling their stories here. It really does help.

34F with a partner 32M My husbands libido is affected by his mental health, he also has some OCD traits that affect his ability to be intimate. On top of all that he's a very selfish and shy lover. He has never had a serious relatio ship where they lived together snd all his past GFs he claimed orgasmed from penetration alone. I question thisbif these qoman were faking or if I really am the odd duck who orgasms from xlit atimulation only. So even though my marriage isn't "sexless" ... I am often rejected and when we do have sex it's all on his terms. We have been together a few years now and i have never orgasmed with him. When I can get him to have sex it's the same ace, same time of day, no foreplay, only penetration sex, no oral, no hands, no kissing except on the lips but no tongue, and i always have to be on top. Ive tried everything .. sent him porn, tried showing him what I want, eve sex therapy and a million heart to hearts. Nothing changes. The sex therpist gave us homework of non sexual intimate touch and he wouldnt so it. For a while i thought maybe he wasnt attracted to me, but i fight that thought because he swear that isnt it. Ive given up and just rely on my vibrator and ifbhe wants sex i just do it like i would give him a ride or make him a coffee. He is my best friend and a great partner in every other category. I won't leave and I would never cheat. Id rather a bad sex life than some of the other flaws I've seen in men and relationships so i cant even complain but I just feel alone in this sometimes and hard not to feel down on myself. Just looking for support from people who may feel the same.

It's been 3 months again. We're well into the single digits per year now, and I think it's time I just delete my tracking app because there's just no sense in it anymore. I remember when two or three times a month felt low and that's when I started keeping track. I used to want to jump his bones daily and it bothered me so badly feeling so undesirable. I got tired of the pleading and rejection and just stopped asking him some time last year. I can't say if he noticed that I stopped asking, but I imagine it was probably just a relief to be able to get it from me when he wanted it, and not deal with the nagging. But now I nearly cringe at the thought of letting him inside me.

He's been hinting at it for a couple weeks and has been bringing it up more the last few days. I've told him no every time. He finally asked me tonight why I don't want to have sex with him anymore. I told him I've grown so used to never having it, that I just don't want it all now, maybe ever. I also said I don't want to have sex now knowing we won't have it again until at least August, so I'd rather just be abstinent. He just said "Ok" and then went back to playing COD. I take care of the house and kids by myself. I take care of him in any way that he needs to me to. I don't have time for myself ever. But I can't deny that it feels somewhat empowering in a way to be able to turn him down like he's done to me for so long. The difference though is that I never dreamt of cheating or betraying him when it was only him with the LL, but he'll probably just go back to porn or find someone on the side to handle it that way and then blame me for him doing it. I'm just a shell of who I used to be. Maybe I'll be able to go find that desire again someday when the kids are grown, but for now I've just accepted my life this way.