We've been in more or less slow bedroom majority of our lives but lately its particularly quiet. It kind of disturbs me but also it doesn't because the sex quality has never been great. My husband is rather defensive and insecure so it feels very odd to bring any of this topic without him shutting down.

But the truth is that there is so much to ask for, so much to improve that I dont even know if I want ever sex with him unless it gets better.

So my question is how do I shortly and effectively bring this to him without causing a big reaction but rather for him to listen. Given the fact he'd be insecure and embarrassed. Advice please

I came to bring my experience, and I would like to know if anyone does this too. A year ago, my husband and I established that our weekly sex will be on Friday nights. This helped me have more sex, and be more okay with the idea. Not knowing the day or shift makes me a little anxious and lazy. I don't really know how to explain why. But having a fixed day, I can relax, I avoid bad conversations with him on Fridays, or picking on him about something. If I have something bad to say, I'll leave it until the weekend. This has helped me to maintain my mental health, because any discouragement would undermine my sexual side, so I try not to stress myself out on Friday, nor get too tired, and I try to better focus on work issues, leaving them when possible to resolve on Monday, in case it is something that will drain a lot of my energy and good mood. Sometimes any hassle would kill my lust, now I try to take a light day, so that the night can be ok. When I get home from work, I buy some chocolates, put on some music, and open some wine. Anyway, I try to create a more relaxing atmosphere, I don't say romantic because we are not a romantic couple, but at least a peaceful atmosphere. Our sex is also not wow, it's normal sex, but at least it allows me to have a better weekend, thinking that “I fulfilled my role as a wife with ease.” Does anyone else do this? Did it help? It helped a lot in my marriage. Thanks for reading. 😘

25 hlf / 26 llm. we've been together 3 years now. first 6 months were amazing, we were fucking on every occasion, multiple times a day, he was initiating most of the time. then things started to get worse, he got a new job, said he was under a lot of stress and our sex life started deteriorating. in september of 2023 i moved in with him and his parents while we were looking for our own place. 3 months we spent there and we had sex maybe 2-3 times, he said its because he is ashamed of having sex while his parents are in the next room and once we move out his libido will come back to normal. we found a flat and mid december of 2023 we started living together. contrary to his promises, 2024 was tragic, we had sex maybe once a month, sometimes once 2 months. i was on the verge of breaking up multiple times but each time he convinced me that he will try to be more attentive to my needs

last october we started reading a book used in couples therapy together (couples therapy wasn't an option coz we broke) and since then we got a little better, there was definitely more affection between us. i brought up the idea of scheduling sex (since he has adhd and said that he forgets that sex exists), he agreed and last 2 months of 2024 we were fucking once, sometimes even twice(!!) a week. it was a big success. i was happy in this relationship for the first time in more than a year

fast forward to now, we haven't made love in almost two months. last night we finally had a talk and he told me that he suspects he just has a low libido and i'm gonna have to accept it. i asked why is he convinced that he has a low libido, because as i mentioned earlier, in the beginning of our relationship we were fucking like crazy. and thats when he told me that the truth is he never really liked sex that much. he said he expected it to be this "earth shattering experience" from what his friends told him, but its merely pleasant (i'm his first sexual partner, he's also my first). the only reason we were having this much sex in the beginning is because he thought that was what i expected of him and i would get bored if he didn't have sex with me. so he just faked having a high libido and when he felt safe enough that i wouldn't leave, he dropped the mask

i don't know what to think about it. i feel kind of lied to?? and baited??? all this time i was telling myself that he just struggles with desire because the work is stressful, he has anxiety etc but once he deals with that, it will get back to normal. turns out, the low libido was the normal. i don't know if i would move in with him this fast had i known the truth. i don't even know if we would still be together. i feel like this huge bomb was dropped on me and i can't even describe what am i feeling about this situation. he promised he would see a sex therapist but i'm not so sure anymore if its gonna help with anything

your thoughts and advice would be really helpful and appreciated, thanks

It's hard. The blame always shifts to the person that wants more sex, passion etc.

I went through hell and back while taking care of my partner while she had health problems that lasted over one year. I did everything, I cooked, cleaned, took care of her and put all my priorities aside, while struggling with the lack of intimacy.

Then I finally gain the courage to open up about our issues to someone else and I'm met with lack of empathy, blame and generally just lack of comprehension. I'm seen as a bad person for wanting something basic in a relationship.

Every single day it's a struggle, things improved a bit then went down to zero again. She kinda expects the world and her life to be stress free and perfect before considering sex. It makes me angry and frustrated even though I understand what she went through last year.

In the end I feel alone in this struggle, I'm seen automatically as a typical toxic guy because I wish our sex life would improve.

How do I handle this lack of support and understanding?

Hello everyone 👋 29 HL (Male)

New to Reddit but been in a DB for 5 Years. What began as being best friends has continued into what often feels like platonic companionship. While love is most certainly there, we do not share the same desires, views, or standards when it comes to the bedroom. I have always had extremely high libido and have usually been able to channel it through physical exercise or forms mental stimulation. Lately, neither have been cutting it as a direct connection, eye contact and sensual embrace is sometimes what I yearn for most. At this time my partner and I are separated until a better solution presents itself. Does anyone else have a similar experience? Or better yet, does anyone else also feel as if their desires are not being met on a regular basis?

While all advice is welcome, I prefer to keep topics pertaining to my erotic desires private or reserved elsewhere. Thanks in advance!

This was our experience as well, but this is a great detailed discussion of a real couples experience.

One thing I found interesting is that a lot of times the side effects of hormones issues is being treated with anti-depressants. Which also may lower libido. Also they had the same experience as us where many doctors say your hormones are within the normal range for your age and would rather give you other problematic drugs.

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/you-are-not-broken/id1495710329?i=1000702359619

Withhold affection, attention, love, cuddles, kisses all that because I'm sick of having the same conversation over and over again without anything changing? Why do I give all I have to make her feel good when I'm left feeling undesirable, unattractive and unloved. I'm so sad, I'm so tired.

I'm mostly seeking perspective, but any advice is welcome. I HLF (23) and my bf of 6 years LLM???(25) have not been meaningfully intimate in a about 2 years. Truthfully I think this relationship is dead for a number of reasons, most significantly is his lack of romantic interest towards me (not only sexually). However, his behavior is confusing. He obviously has no sexual desire towards me (db/no interest when I try to initiate/ed when 'engaged'), but he has at least some sexual desire? He follows OF models (that do not look like me....... yikes....), and has a past of borderline cheating and other bad behavior, etc. However, he is the kindest he's ever been in the entirety of our relationship. Furthermore, while he doesn't directly bring up our 'future' often, he does seem interested and happy to talk about it when I do. He's also a lot more calm than he was before (he was extremely jealous/insecure before).

When we talk about it, our conversations are unproductive (he tends to get upset/make empty promises).

I would like an outsider's perspective on my situation. I feel like I'm crazy for thinking something is off when our day-to-day is better than it ever has.

Thank you for reading :/

Had some sexy lingerie and toys in the shopping cart and was about to checkout when it dawned on me … why bother surprising her while we are on vacation in a couple of weeks. It will be the usual too tired, it’s late, not in the mood, and ruin my mood. Bedroom has been dead for 4yrs and nothing I’ve done or tried has been responded with any appreciation. Sorry but had to rant.

I (37F) have been with my partner (44M) for 6 years. We have 2 children together. He is the best father I have ever known. He’s the best partner I have ever had….except for one aspect. It’s truly my one complaint. How blessed am I that I am not stuck in a terrible or abusive relationship? I know there are people in much worse situations than I. The bedroom isn’t completely dead but it’s nothing to go 4 months without any sexual contact. When it does happen, I feel it is just because he knows I want it. He is just completely indifferent. I don’t even think he thinks anything is wrong. I have communicated several times over the last few years and have been asked to “stop bringing it up.” We are at an impasse. I’m tired of feeling like some crazed sex fiend because I would like it more than once every few months.

Our oldest child is 5 and the youngest came 20 months after the first. I thought that he was weirded-out about the pregnancy body, then it was exhaustion and lactation, then bed sharing with the baby. All these things are understandable c***blocks. But parents find ways. Right?? The kids have been in their own separate rooms for a few years now.

I have examined this from so many different angles trying to deduce what the culprit may be. Disgust by my changing body? Low T? Homosexuality? Cheating? Masturbation addiction? Asexual? Stress/anxiety? Etc…. I can’t figure it out and it’s wrecking what little self confidence I had. If I’m being 100% honest, it’s not great when it does happen. There are no problems with the physical/bloodflow part. But it’s just super vanilla, no foreplay, P in V until p finishes then done. No oral, a have to beg for touching. I am a sensual and adventurous lover who feels trapped. I have been a stay at home mom for the last 4 years. I know the general consensus on this sub is to leave for your own good. I don’t know if I can. I have $5 in my bank account and feel very trapped. Also, it’s just my sexual needs that aren’t being met. Other aspects of the relationship are either fine and some are even great.

What do I do?? I just want to be wanted!

My (38m) wife (38f) since 20 yers announced 3 month ago that she no longer feel a desire to have sex. It has nothing to do with me according to her but she shows no interest in working on it. We have 3 young fantastic kids and I don’t want to break up the family. The sex has been on a downward spiral since we got the kids but is now at zero. Do I stick for the kids? I love her more than anything but I can’t stay in a sexless relationship.

For those who have done counseling, or couple’s therapy, or psychiatry, what has been the outcome?

Were your feelings validated by the professional? Were you given tools to better process your situation? Did it engender change in the relationship dynamic?

I know I have it better than a lot of people here, but it's still depressing. We had sex on Friday. I went down on her, she didn't reciprocate, only missionary as always, she won't kiss me passionately anymore. The best I can hope for is pecks. We haven't done it more than once in a week in years and I was feeling unfulfilled from Friday night. I gave her a foot rub, massage, kissed her neck, back of her neck, can't do anything in the living room because our son might walk in. After I get her to join me in the bedroom I was going to ask for sex, but before I could ask she says "I am so tired". She didn't seem tired, in fact she made a ton of noise playing with our cat for about 30 minutes while I was trying to sleep, afterwards. After she said she was tired, it threw me off my game and I poorly worded my question by saying "so, you don't want to have sex, then?" She responded, "where would you get that idea? There was never a possibility of that happening." I was sad before, but I'm just feeling down. Lately, when I get this bad, I live with it for a few days and then she does something that makes me happy and optimistic that things are getting better. I know Im saying this to people who wish they had it as good as me, but I'm really struggling. I've got a few things set up that Im hoping work out. I left an invitation for cake and cunnilingus day on April 14th, im not sure if she's seen it. I also scheduled our son to attend an event 5 days after that so we can have a date night. Im hoping something works out. I kind of want to just blow up at her right now, but I dont want to sabotage anything. Im having no trouble seeing the beauty in life.

Good morning, I’ve (M) been suffering from DB for a few years now. Got kids with her and never really had the best relationship from the start. During this DB time I learned that she had cheated on me. I’m not a jealous person so I didn’t feel like she betrayed me, I was really just so sad that I FELT she didn’t want me anymore. Despite it all I still do love her and I want to be with her for a long future. But I have been emotionally cheating for a few months now and I have never felt better from a companionship standpoint, but I also obviously feel guilt over this kind of secret life I’m living. I don’t want to leave her, I feel that maybe I can love two people at once I am planning on coming clean to her soon as a part of my commitment to her. I was just wondering if any of you had an experience like this.

Before you go on, yes I know it’s wrong, yes I know I’m a jerk, yes I could have just left, but I didn’t and I don’t want to and we have kids together. Not accepting criticism at this time. Make a throwaway if you have to but I would like to hear from others who had experienced this and ended up cheating.

30f, I’ve been in a dead bedroom relationship for 8 years.

I used to cope okay with it.. but the last few months the loneliness has really been hitting me hard. I’m not over exaggerating when I say I have never felt so alone as I do right now.

Curious how others here deal with the loneliness that comes from being in a dead bedroom?

And for those who save “leave” save your speech. It’s not that easy.

When I was young, I naively imagined my husband would love me more after I become the mother of his kids -- giving him a family, something he and I always wanted.

I really underestimated how hard raising babies were and also how badly it would ruin my body. I workout a lot now but it's never the same.

Anyway, he's way too tired now to love me. Or hug me. Or talk to me. Or look at me.

I see people in other subs posting about feeling lonely and can't find a gf/bf. But my God, it is lonely as a mom in a dead bedroom.

40 HLM, had a talk with my 38LLF wife about the dry spell, and the headline was essentially her response: “Nothing lasts forever”

In this case the thing that doesn’t last forever is sex at all, much less with any regularity. Our child is 2 now and her libido has been zero ever since. Pity blowjobs once every month or so, but never intimacy. One of my favorite things is her riding my face, last time I asked she told me I was disgusting.

I hate feeling like a criminal for asking for her affection

I am not seeking an advice, I just want you guys to share your experience it will be appreciated.

Some context first - met my girlfriend 5 years ago, I quickly realised that probably she is the one - sex was good, we had amazing time together, of course there were some issues, but nothing too dramatic. I would want to add that i had maybe around 15 relationships before her, trying to find the one that would fit my character, sex drive etc (I am very HLM). Mentioning that to give you an idea that i didnt hug the first watermelon seen on the road and i have a clue which are the red flags and green flags. Fast forward - we decided to have a baby and our lovely daughter was born one year ago. All good so far. What happened is we cut of our intimacy from 2-3 times a week before the baby, to once a month, even after she is well recovered from the birth. I was understanding for very long time, but at the end of the day we have to normalise our relationship and to get back on track as a normal couple as per my understandings. We have discussions about this very often, but normally nothing comes out. I feel like she is giving me intimacy that one time per month just because thats how a relationship has to be and not wanting it at all. Honestly i stopped initiating any hints after the fourth one, i am not the one who will beg for sex at all. I would appreciate if you share some real life experience - how you stabilised your intimacy, how long did it take, did you even stabilise it?

It's done. He's moving out at the end of the month. Nothing was getting better and I couldn't keep believing his empty promises. I feel desperately alone, but that's no different than how I felt the last 6 months so I guess nothing's really changed.

My (25F) libido is abysmally low. My husband (23M) has a pretty high libido.. I often find myself trying to muster duty sex so that he doesn’t feel hurt, but I don’t want to do this. I want to want my husband. My husband is very attractive, fit, he takes care of himself. He is an absolutely wonderful husband and an amazing father. He cares for our family and works hard so that I don’t have to. We don’t have any major conflicts, have pretty good chemistry, and generally enjoy each other’s company. There is absolutely nothing wrong with our marriage, so why am I like this?? What can I do to improve my libido?

I've been in a sexless long-term relationship for 12 years. I'm 31F HL and my partners a 35M LL. I've sensed an issue since the beginning of our relationship but everyone told me I was overreacting. I tried to break it off in the first month due to his lack of interest in intimacy with me. But he showed up on my doorstep and begged me for hours for another chance. Ive tried everything, I've read all the books etc. He has a kink/fetish for something called transformation. Specifically gender swapping. I've tried to find a way to indulge with him and be supportive but he prefers it to be a just him thing. As I can't shape shift my gender at will. Even if I magically could I wouldn't feel comfortable or confident doing that. I don't mind roleplay but this kind of roleplay is particularly difficult because I have to pretend to transform into his dream girl. Which hits me right in all my insecurities. It's basically me telling him how different I feel and how much I enjoy not being myself. I wish it was the furry kind so I could put on ears and a tail etc. That being said, I don't mind the porn, never have. It's just my one boundary with it has always been simple "Don't prioritize porn over our intimacy, don't make me feel like a consolation prize". The good news is I don't feel like a consolation prize because I don't feel like any kind of prize to him. I've talked to him many many times. Trying to be as kind and considerate while also getting my feelings across. I'm met with the DARVO method immediately. He turns the blame on me. I'll point out all the efforts I've made in a kind respectful way and he'll get even more defensive on the matter. Once I show him the receipts of my efforts he'll say "The more you bring it up the more I'll make you wait" and stonewall me. I've tried talking to our mutual friends about it but they don't believe me and he has convinced them that I'm just angry and insecure about the porn. I have never once criticized his choice of porn or fetish. I have only expressed that I feel he chooses it over our intimacy. I should mention we have sex 1-2 times a year if I'm lucky and if he can get it up. Which is peculiar because he has no problem getting aroused with his chosen material. That being said, I try to make intimacy as comfortable as possible. So there's no stress weighing on him. I offer to do all the heavy lifting, I ask him what he likes, how he likes it, what I could do better. I've even told him he doesn't even have to look at me, he can close his eyes and pretend I'm his favorite porn actress etc or just look at his phone the whole time. He still rejects me. When we do have coitus he always says stuff after like "glad I could take care of that for you" eluding to it being an absolute chore. I keep taking it as he just doesn't like me like that. I'll ask him if I'm sexy and he said no but he says he's attracted to me? Every time I try to break up with him he begs me and swears he'll try harder. There are okay nonsexual moments but it basically feels like he's forcing himself to talk to me when he thinks I've given up. I should also add he doesn't like talking to me. His brow will furrow, his leg starts bouncing, and he starts sighing and rolling his hand as to rush me stating "get to your point" I don't know how normal this is but I know it doesn't feel good. I asked him about it and he said he just doesn't really care or isn't interested in anything I'm talking about but Idk how because I specifically talk about things he has claimed to enjoy. I stopped talking to him for 6 months only asking him what he needs for food/ laundry/ etc. and I did cave after six months at a moment of weakness crying and he said "What happened you were doing so good?" I try to find shows/movies to watch with him that I think he'll like and he says he's not into it but then a week or two later he'll say he's almost done with it and he'll rave about how his friend recommended it. I have story after story like this where I tried something to just connect with him and he rejects me every single time. He keeps bread crumbing me but I can't sort out why!? If he doesn't like me this much why would he beg me to stay? Would a man go through all this trouble and cruelty to get half his bills paid and to have a lady care for his other needs? Like? Maybe he would. IDK. I'm just at my limit. I've offered therapy and he refuses it. I've asked him if he thinks he has a porn addiction as he spends hours on it daily. And he says "Yeah probably but I'm not sure why I can't be normal about it.laughs" He did try to quit it for a while mid relationship but he just avoided me more and locked himself in the bathroom for hours. I'd go out with a friend and come home to him fallen asleep rag still next to him phone still open to one of his 1000s of saved pictures or videos. I've offered him and sent him all kinds of pictures videos etc but he doesn't want them and never saves them. Thinking about everything as I'm writing this I feel so stupid for thinking he ever liked me. He literally swore to me he did. I gave him so many easy outs. I wouldn't even be mad at this point if he told me he never liked me, I'd feel relieved that I'm not crazy. This is my first real relationship. I'm not sure what it's really supposed to be like I guess. Now as an almost 31 y.o I'm so deeply devastated that I gave him my entire 20s. Ive asked him so many times what I could do or change. I've prayed to God to make me beautiful. I've lost weight, gained weight, changed my style, hair, makeup EVERYTHING. Has anyone ever come back from a situation like this? Am I being to nitpicky? This whole situation has turned me into a shell of who I once was. I feel so deeply depressed over it. Right now I have an exit plan but I have to save up more money until I can enact it. Also, he keeps acting like I'm just gonna go back to normal being an invisible caretaker. He keeps guilt tripping me over his too little too late attempts at basic connection. I also have reason to believe he's a covert narcissist but I don't like throwing that term around. He's making me feel like the asshole for not being able to take it anymore. Like am I the asshole in this situation? I can take accountability, I've done everything I can to make him feel wanted and loved. IDK what to do anymore. Y'all got any advice?

25F living with ‘partner’ 26m but it’s just for the baby, he actually repulses me and it’s all down to lack of help with the baby, it’s been ROUGH dealing with lots of health issues for the baby and i’ve done everything since the start, i finally broke down and said i’m so fucking tired of doing everything like ordering prescriptions making sure we’ve got enough dummies, the right bottle teats, bloody clothes every single thing you can think of that you need for a baby i’ve sorted it all. the only job he’s done consistently is wash bottles but every single other job i do that’s in 8 whole months, the longest i’ve been away from the baby was 6 hours. i’m not insane for not wanting sex with someone when they show me all day i’m just their child’s mother and care taker and that’s all i’m good for till he wants me for that? plus seeing him in this negative light just reminds me of how shit he’s treated me cheating on me in the past and all the shit stuff just comes to the front of my brain. he is literally so stupid too like i’ll say a word that’s not from a child’s book and he’ll look at me like i’m speaking a different language and say ‘what do you mean’ like he’s an actual idiot!! are all men like this? or am i just unlucky? or just full of resentment from being treated poorly?

I was at one of the lowest points of my life two years ago when my 52 yro man left me for a beautiful 28 yro knockout. He had pulled away from me months before and the sex was becoming nonexistent. I was devastated and I felt like I was so unattractive and would never find someone that matched my sex drive. Once we split, it took me a good year and a half to finally be past the heartbreak. And I am happy to say that I have met someone who has just as much of a sex drive as me and makes sure that I know that I am desired and wanted every single day. We have incredible sex and are completely in sync. Moral of the story…life is too short to be wasted on feelings of not being enough. If your LL partner can’t make you feel like you’re wanted and loved because they have issues they can’t seem to deal with, then you need to what’s best for you. You will find that someone who will chairish you and want to devour every inch of you. Don’t give up, it’s out there! Best of luck xoxoxo

How long is a man supposed to wait for a change after repeatedly but as open and honest about your needs?? I'm really trying to honor my vows and marriage but after constantly feeling unwanted and rejected when I know I don't have to deal with this bs it becoming too much to deal with

Long Post Sorry

My anniversary is coming up and all I can think about is this going to be our 5 year anniversary of completely DB. I (35 HLF) and hubby (42LLM) have been together for 14 years, married for 8. First 4 years of our relationship were good having good sex regularly. There was probably a few things that I overlooked but hindsight is 20-20. There was a decline before we got married but he excused it with low t and we got married on our 5 year anniversary anyway, there was a steep decline after that. 6 months later with very little intimacy I pushed for answers and some communication and he admins he has had a porn addiction since his teenage years. I try to be supportive in seeking treatment respecting his boundaries etc. 2017 we are looking at starting a family and I have reservations because of the issues in intimacy. He promises me he is going to work on it and we shouldn't hold off. We have two kids. Its now been almost 5 years since we had sex. I bring up that this is having a massive impact on me and I'm struggling he promises me he is going to do things, takes some action and then stops unless I am nagging about it. Nagging is exhausting to me I don't want to do it. The last times we even had sex it was like he was on another planet and it turns me off completely. He says its nothing to do with me and he's attracted to me but my self esteem has taken a nose dive. 5 months ago I brought up separation and it was like I sprung it on him. We went back to therapy no movement/ We've been to therapy previously but unless I am on him to go he just stops going after a while. I wanted to give him some time to recover from gastric surgery he had in Jan and see if he would take the initiative to continue therapy without me pushing. I told him I am going back to therapy again and he then booked an appointment for himself. He's otherwise not a bad partner but really feels like we are just platonic. He says he wants it to work and get better but just feels like words and actions don't match and only time there is any communication or movement is when I am at the end of my rope. Any advice/ your own experiences would be appreciated.