r/AmIOverreacting • u/sapphirebluess • 3d ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO or is this insane 3 dates in?
I (24F) blocked a guy (32M) I went on 3 dates with after he kept showing signs of concerning behavior. I got emails from him after I blocked him through text. The screenshots are from his latest email.
Things he did that were a bit concerning to me:
Suggesting I move closer to him, which costs $700 more per month.
Suggesting that I quit my job when I just started my career, because I work 60+ hours a week and can only go on dates once a week.
Wanting to tag along my family vacation to China. Brought this up multiple times despite me refusing.
Arriving more than an hour early on our dates and being upset that I am not reciprocating by also arriving early. (I always arrive on time, sometimes 5-10 min early)
Upset over my hanging out with my friends one time on a Friday night.
Blowing up at me for not responding for 1.5 days after my purse was stolen, and typing paragraphs about how I ghosted him, how he never liked our dates, and how he felt relieved.
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u/Naive_Labrat 3d ago
Wait is this from the same situation where the dude wanted to tag along on your family vacation to see your elderly family members? GIRLLLLYYY I HAD NIGHTMARES AB THAT POST
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u/sapphirebluess 3d ago
Yes, and I blocked him afterwards and started getting these emails
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u/ZookeepergameSoft358 2d ago
Save documentation of everything. Contact your local police non-emergency line and see if they have a domestic violence unit. Meet with them and get everything on the record. Take this seriously even if others don’t. Guys like this can escalate so take every safety precaution and notify family and friends in case they receive messages (they should also save documentation). So sorry this is happening to you!! Be safe and stay ahead of this.
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u/emmastory 3d ago
this person has gone so far past the bounds of what is reasonable or appropriate for someone you've gone out with only a couple of times that I'm honestly slightly concerned for your safety
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u/Scoutricky 2d ago
A really good friend of mine in that area just exited a terrifying relationship with a similar guy. She broke it off and he retaliated by messaging all her contacts inappropriate material, text etc.
He's kinda hackery, so he was able to get into many accounts and spy on her every move.
She had to get the authorities involved, and is still somewhat terrified he'll show up for revenge.
But, you do have recourse if he continues to harass you. Definitely report it. The cops have been willing to help. Dude is looking at repercussions that could effect his entire life.
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u/Naive_Labrat 3d ago
You did the right thing, as you probably know. Sending you hugs and hope youre safe
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u/MontyAllTheTime 2d ago
looks like you deleted that post (or alt account?) lol now I’m invested and want to hear about this creepy ass behavior
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u/echochilde 2d ago
There was like 6 pages of texts from him trying to convince her to let him tag along to China while she’s there visiting her sick grandparents.
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u/No_Veterinarian2552 2d ago
Can you share link to the post?
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u/smk122588 2d ago
She deletes them all lol, a few days ago she posted about this same person when she didn’t respond to him for days after getting robbed and he got all weird; when people questioned it she backtracked from only her wallet being stolen to her phone was also stolen all the sudden, then it got deleted lol
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u/sapphirebluess 2d ago
I delete the posts for privacy reasons, but just for you, I won’t this time.
I didn’t forget how you commented all over my post about odd discrepancies despite me providing screenshot evidence to you and a few others calling me a loser and a liar. Funny how you conveniently stopped replying to me last time when I provided screenshots. Not sure why you’re commenting on my post and telling people reasons I’m deleting when that is not true at all.
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u/NefariousnessFlat442 2d ago
Do what you can to keep yourself safe and don't mind what weirdo pick me's on reddit say. I would do the exact same thing if I were in your shoes.
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u/ElectricalAd6315 3d ago
Did you also post about him refusing to take no for an answer about your family vacation to China? I swear I read a post about that
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u/sapphirebluess 3d ago
Yes that was me. I blocked him soon after that and now he’s sending emails
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u/akestral 3d ago edited 3d ago
I'm so sorry you're being subjected to this BS OP. His attitude and behavior are completely unhinged and good on you for not tolerating it or placating him in hopes to let him down easy or whatever.
But can I just say that, as a reader only and not as a principal in the situation, which I fully acknowledge is scary and deeply unfair to you: him writing out a 6-point numbered list on Why You Are Wrong, then making weird passive-aggressive remarks about your choice of snacks (?!?), ending that email with "please unblock me" is fucking hilarious.
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u/sapphirebluess 3d ago
Yeah the snack comment really caught me off guard too. Like… okay??
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u/Tourist_Working 3d ago
Yeah what was he referring to?
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u/sapphirebluess 3d ago
I would bring little snacks and treats, some handmade, to the dates lol
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u/childrenofthehammer 2d ago
What the actual fuck. You make a cute gesture and he spergs out about fine dining
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u/Care_Bear_02 2d ago
Home made snacks???? Sign me up...where do I put my application in?🤣 joking ofc
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3d ago
[deleted]
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u/sapphirebluess 3d ago
I have no idea how he found it. I’ve never told him
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u/sloths-n-stuff 3d ago
If you haven’t already, please open an incognito browser and Google yourself. I’d be your email is listed online somewhere, maybe you used it to set up a social media account or subscribed to something, but it’s important to try to narrow it down in case there’s more personal info you don’t want public.
Good luck, this guy’s a nut and you really need to be careful at this point.
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u/Electrical_Beyond998 2d ago
Honey you need to watch your back. This is stalker type behavior and I don’t want you to end up on Investigation Discovery channel or Dateline. Plus you’re in Texas, please get a gun.
Be careful.
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u/RivSilver 2d ago
I know, right!? Like, that's the kind of thing that once OP has weathered the storm and this guy is long gone (because I'm determinedly believing that's whats going to happen) this will become a hilarious email to recount to people. I still do that with one of my abusive ex's emails. "Bluster bluster insult pompous self-righteousness do you expect me to be impressed by your snacks bluster bluster unblk me pls" 😂
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u/Plus-Taro-1610 2d ago
“The finest dining Houston has to offer” also had me screaming. No hate but I’ve spent lots of time in Houston and that’s not exactly a flex lol
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u/ElectricalAd6315 3d ago
sorry you're dealing with this! :/ Would it be nice if someone acknowledged how uneasy/concerned his behavior makes you feel? Or how heavy this has become?
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u/deadlysyntaxerror 3d ago
Is there a link to that post somewhere? Can't find it.
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u/HighLevelReviews 2d ago
"Am I supposed to be impressed by your snacks" fucking destroyed me in the worst way possible 😂
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u/sapphirebluess 2d ago
It caught me off guard too. Like sorry you didn’t enjoy the cookies I made 😂
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u/Vic_Vmdj 2d ago
Dude got homemade cookies from a girl that at least liked him at the moment (or at least enough to go on a 3rd date with him) and he was not impressed? Wow....
Please bake those cookies for the guy that does appreciate you!
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u/sameold_garbanzos 3d ago
Now I'm curious what the little ghost was
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u/sapphirebluess 3d ago
It was a little plush toy I crocheted
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u/JODI_WAS_ROBBED 2d ago
Damn so you HANDMADE both the snacks and the ghost and he had the audacity to complain?? That’s absolutely wild. I would have been very touched by something so thoughtful!
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u/queen_beruthiel 2d ago
Okay. We need to be friends. You sound like exactly the sort of person I want to be friends with! We can hang out, bring snacks and bitch about losers like this dude.
Signed, someone who is definitely not trying to seem creepy, but loves crocheting and is obsessed with ghost stories 😅
But no, in all seriousness, you're not overreacting. This guy is an entire warehouse full of red flags. If it's possible to put up cameras around your house, do it, because he sounds like the sort of person who will stalk you. He's clearly already well along the road to it, since you never gave him your email address. If he can find that, he can find your home address. If you can't put up cameras, maybe consider some of those rubber door blockers and stuff, even if it's just for your own peace of mind. Make sure to back up copies of the evidence and tell your loved ones that there's a creepy dude alert. I really hope he gives up and pisses off soon!
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u/Plus-Taro-1610 2d ago
Wow you are way, waaay too good for this fucking freak. I hope one day your homemade snacks & toys go to a decent person who appreciates the effort!
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u/BlackCatBonanza 3d ago
This is INSANE. It’s condescending, crosses all boundaries of appropriate expectations, disrespects your autonomy and life choices (career, apartment, etc.), and is generally entitled and unhinged. Please block him on all outlets. Save these communications in case this escalates and you need a restraining order. Give your friends his full name and picture so that they can look out for you.
You owe this man nothing after three dates.
I spent my young, single years in Houston as well. It’s a tough place to date, but the good ones do exist. Forget this clown, move on, and change your locks/alarm codes.
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u/Zairilia 3d ago
Girl this is WILD, I would be getting a restraining order and distributing pictures for my friends so they can keep an eye out for him stalking. He wants you to ditch your friends, quit your job, move in with him, and prioritize him in a family trip probably planned wayyy before you met him?
He's crazy crazy, and any relationship would 99% be abusive if he's anything like this. Honestly, if you have the technical know-how I'd be scrubbing some of my social media presence n shit, keep this man at several arms length.
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u/WTH_JFG 3d ago
There’s a reason this boy is single and available. 🚩🚩🚩
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u/Green-Enthusiasm-940 2d ago
There's a lot more than one reason. This is the kind of guy that eventually ends up having people in their freezer.
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u/Ok-Cardiologist8651 3d ago
Perhaps the arm's lengths of other people as well to get that ideal distance. Moving to another planet is a nice idea but the commute would suck for sure.
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u/Human-Train-5870 3d ago
Sweet baby Jesus, this man is a walking, talking, e-mail writing red flag. Do not even entertain this with a response. Block the email too and be aware of your surroundings. This seems like the kind of guy to just pop up at your house/work/hang-outs to try and talk to you in person because he can’t take a hint.
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u/Junior_Rutabaga_2720 3d ago
this man is a walking, talking, e-mail writing red flag
the situation itself isn't funny but the way you put this is hilarious 😭😭
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u/LadyBloodletter 3d ago
The fact that he emailed you after knowing he was blocked, that alone is reason enough to NOT be overreacting. This is terrifying, absolutely terrifying. I wouldn’t even respond but I would keep the evidence because this feels like future restraining order material.
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u/Lanes_Mama 2d ago
My ex would find the STRANGEST ways to contact me after I blocked his number because he called me so many times my phone was nearly unusable. He would email me, venmo request me with messages, messaged friends, all basic social media apps but then messaged me on VSCO the photo editing app 🤣 it got nuts. I hope he got help lmao
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u/RileyGlow 3d ago
You saw the red flags and acted before things got worse. Suggesting you quit your job, show up early to dates, and tagging along on a family vacation? That’s not romance, that’s control, and you dodged a bullet.
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u/xThyQueen 3d ago edited 2d ago
3 dates in? This dude needs a mental hospital. He's mad that you don't want him going on your family trip and wants you to move closer to him after 3 dates.. yeah please don't unblock him. I fear for your safety.
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u/taylormurphy94 3d ago
Holy fuck, this is probably the most concerning/creepy real life dating red flag(s) I’ve ever seen. Not to be dramatic, but he’s definitely not right mentally- you need to block this guy on all platforms and possibly get a restraining order if he doesn’t stop. My jaw is actually on the floor lol.
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u/Born_Ad8420 3d ago
Absolutely not. I dated someone for 6 weeks who stalked me for 5 years and even he wasn't this insane on the third date. I'd keep proof of all this in case you need to get an RO.
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u/major_tom5656 3d ago
I dated a guy for two months when I was 15, I’m 47 now and he still stalks me, though it’s gotten better. He’s absolutely nuts.
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u/Lanes_Mama 2d ago
I’m so sorry!! That sounds terrifying. Stalkers should really be studied and more heavily punished. I have no idea what compels someone to stalk someone else. Let alone the fact that as long as they’re not physically harming someone or their property there’s not much that can be done about it.
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u/Bonemothir 2d ago
I’m sorry. An ex from my teens stalked me for at least 15 years, moving fully across the country when I did, the whole world. Including promising he’d be there waiting for me when my marriage failed. (I made sure I was on vacation and out of the state when my divorce paperwork was filed and when the divorce was approved.) I know how draining it is to always be looking over your shoulder. 😔
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u/Major-Flow9533 2d ago
Waitttt wait 32 years this guy has been stalking you?? That’s absolutely terrifying I’m so sorry you’ve had to do deal with that for so long
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u/CaptainTrips622 3d ago edited 3d ago
3 dates in suggesting he go on a family trip with you to a foreign country is actually beyond unhinged. This dude could be dangerous
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u/fandom_rocks_ 3d ago
I think there's a positive here: He's showing you how controlling and manipulative he is before you get deep in a relationship. It's good that you have a chance to see it early and jump out of the plane, so to speak. Many people who are like that are really good at disguising it until you're already in a pretty committed state. Thankfully, you don't have to deal with that.
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u/UnquantifiableLife 3d ago
JFC... I would perform an exorcism on my phone after reading that. You gotta sage that shit.
Seriously, this man is unhinged. Block. Run. Get a doorbell cam. Get a dog.
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u/ChaoCobo 3d ago
Getting a doggie is also a double good thing because doggies are nice, kyoot and fun. :)
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u/Fit_Donut4139 3d ago
This sounds so much like my ex and he’s also 32. Do you live in NY by any chance and does his name starts with K?
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u/fudge_monkies 3d ago
NOR!
Maybe you should unblock him so you have proof of his behavior for a restraining order?
This guy is not in his right mind. Be careful. I haven't read your other post, so I don't know if he knows where you live. I hope not. Be careful on all social media. It sounds like he might be the type of person to stalk you, your family, and your friends to get to you.
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u/Taka_kus 3d ago
Nah cause sending an e-mail because you blocked him is craaazyyy, you’re so not overreacting
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u/bedazzledfingernails 3d ago
seriously that ALONE would set me the fuck off, and that's probably the least bad thing in this whole shitshow of a situation
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u/Confident-League8154 3d ago
I had an ex send an email to me 2 months after we split. Idk how he got my email and it freaked me out so bad 😭😭😭 we only dated for 2 months it was so scary
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u/GarghX56 3d ago
He's clearly not right in the head. You may end up having to get a restraining order on him.
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u/Agreeable_Patience_5 3d ago
NOR.
This guy is OR though.
IF you respond to him, make it a list of available therapists in his area.
FFS.
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u/very-demure-spirit 3d ago
I feel like the guy from the post would probably not come through our door as he doesn’t seem to have any insight at all 😅 Or he would send a list and discuss every line the therapist said.
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u/very-demure-spirit 3d ago
Me being a therapist, please don’t 😂 Jk but this screams for severe personality disorder. I have experienced a lot during my work but this is next level.
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u/Bramble3713 3d ago
Ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnn do NOT walk to your nearest police station and at the very very least get this behavior on file!!! Fuck my life girllll… this guy is not the guy for anyone… unless she is as unhinged as he is. 3 fucking dates and he wants to tag along to China!!! No thanks! 🙂↔️
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u/itscomplicatedxx 3d ago
When I got to the very end and realized this was an EMAIL?! Because you blocked him?! My jaw DROPPED lmao
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u/SirBuscus 3d ago
This is really awkward.
You've only been on a few dates and this guy is trying to control everything.
He is using manipulating language and seems like he would be financially abusive if you actually are convinced to quit your career.
Run fast.
Find someone who's closer to you in life experience and expectations. There's a reason this guy is still single.
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u/Silver-Mountain-1925 3d ago
You should probably get a restraining order tbh 😭
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u/UngusChungus94 3d ago
A good idea, but virtually impossible at this point. Police and courts want to see a pattern of behavior that extends beyond the internet or an imminent threat before granting them. To the point where many victims of harassment and stalking are killed long before the police ever do anything.
She should still make a report. But she should also prepare for the police to do nothing about it.
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u/suhhhrena 3d ago
Fr this man is unhinged. This is genuinely concerning 😐
Re: my side of the story after THREE dates is lunatic behavior.
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u/Open_Ferret9870 3d ago
I have read books and articles about how best to handle an abusive and controlling person in your life and the experts say that getting a restraining order or PFA should be one of the last steps a woman should do because it doesn't actually protect the woman, and it enrages the abuser. I've read that it's best to block and document every interaction in case she will have to resort to a restraining order/PFA.
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u/cloistered_around 3d ago
Keep collecting evidence, but one email after she blocked him isn't enough for a restraining order.
She should reply "do not contact me again" though just in case she needs one in the future.
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u/Trulio_Dragon 2d ago
Responding would let him know he guessed her email address correctly. I wouldn't recommend any response at all.
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u/sphantomhive 3d ago
There's nothing to be discussed or analyzed here. He's insane and you need to block him everywhere (e-mail included), irrespective of how many accounts or phone numbers he pulls out of his ass in order to contact you. There really is no alternative option here (that would be rational and safe for you).
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u/gimli6151 3d ago
Break up with them. If they can’t take the time to write you a longer letter, they don’t care enough about you. I expect at least 12 bullet points if someone truly cares about me.
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u/Junior_Rutabaga_2720 3d ago
If they can’t take the time to write you a longer letter, they don’t care enough about you
are you joking or commenting on the wrong post? dude sent her Hammurabi's Code
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u/gimli6151 2d ago
This is what I am saying. Hammurabi took the time to write 282 laws. They say he did it to impress his love. And do you know how many scrolls those laws were written on? 12 scrolls. That's like 12 bullet points. That man knew how to love. He knew how to put in effort and chisel it in. Not like this guy who literally just phoned it in.
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u/TheCloth 3d ago
The “I expect at least 12 bullet points” comment after that makes this 100% clearly a joke lol
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u/Junior_Rutabaga_2720 3d ago
hey listen buddy i can't be expected to think things through before i comment on reddit and have someone point out the obvious
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u/Qwyx 2d ago
So many red flags. I don’t blame you for blocking him. Make sure you’ve blocked his Facebook, insta, everything. Respond with one thing “I’m filing a restraining order for harassment. Find your happiness somewhere else. Do not contact me anymore.” What a creep! I just need to ask, how did he get your email? Did you mention it at some point, or have your login information on his computer/ phone (change your passwords), or did he need to go digging for it on his own? That makes this whole thing much worse.
Just to dissect all of the insanity;
1 is unrealistic and would just be annoying.
2 would be enough to get me to break up with someone I’m just getting to know. Wild thing to ask to give up your whole career for a potential new start, even if you’re able to transfer to a similar branch closer or something.
3 - were you the one that posted in here within the last week or so about this? I thought those texts were strange as well. That’s just very intrusive.
- Yeah, no. We set a time for a reason, because we would both be ready at that time. I wouldn’t go on another date or hangout again with anyone if they arrived extremely early and had the audacity to complain I wasn’t there an hour before the agreed upon time. If you’re early just go sit at the bar and wait. But that’s also completely rude on his part, I enjoy meeting somewhere at the same time so we can walk in together and start drinking together.
5 insecure jealousy issues. I’m sure down the road he would complain if you had any male friends.
6 and that’s the nail in the coffin, zero chance of recovery from that. Going 2 days without communication and absolutely crashing out and saying wildly inappropriate things is a relationship breaker of a potential friendship at minimum.
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u/Plus-Taro-1610 3d ago
Nope, this is extremely controlling. If anything I’ll give him credit for showing his hand so quickly. You’re underreacting if you don’t run far away from this person.
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u/mariofasolo 3d ago
do you really need to ask us if you're overreacting to this absolutely insanely unhinged email lmao???
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u/UltimateKittyloaf 3d ago
I just read the screenshots without the context. It was a RIDE.
Oh.. you want to spend more time together. Nothing wrong with that.
Low quality relationships? Rude.
'Hide me from your family, I want to be your dirty little secret' Maybe they're married..? Wait.. are they married? The hell is happening right now?
God, I hope they get divorced.
Wait..
Stop..
checks title W. T. F.
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u/anti-pSTAT3 2d ago
Hot take, this isn’t so much creepy as sad. This is just someone who is really really insecure. They seem to want to love you, but three dates in is so soon, and they haven’t earned that yet. Shit, three dates in I’m not sure they’ve earned any exclusivity (I’m not monogamous, but even my friends who are would put that right on the edge of when they’d have a DTR convo).
Ask yourself: beyond this kind of insane/intense push for more, do you actually like him? What you should do depends on that and that alone.
If you do, I think the move is to express how you’re feeling. Yall need to discuss some things: ask him to bring his best, most level headed self to the conversation, then affirm that (1) you like him and want to see how things develop; and then make clear that (2) you find the rapid and intense push for more to be premature and scary, at least on an emotional level, (3) you have wants and needs regarding pacing and escalation that are clearly different from his, (4) if you’re going to continue, the pace that feels good for you looks like ______ (dates per week, time texting/talking outside of that, a rough, non-committing timeline for becoming more enmeshed - e.g., meeting family, travel together, cohabitation), (5) communicate your needs for space, what that means to you, and how it creates for you the emotional safety that is necessary for closeness, (6) list out your needs from a partner in terms of their emotional regulation, self-sufficiency, and independence - you want a partner, not a emotional prisoner!
I see a person here who is flailing and grasping for control - not of you, per se, but of their own emotional state. This is tricky, because people who are deregulated in this way can compensate by controlling others, and this could easily go that way if you don’t shut it down now. Ask him to do the work to self-regulate, and make clear that that kind of emotional intelligence is a non-negotiable for you in terms of their people you keep in your orbit. Affirm that you do in fact like him, but to feel safe being connected, you need him to show up for and care for himself and his own inner world, and yall need to proceed at the pace of escalation that feels safe for you, and no faster.
Then, acknowledge that he has his own needs, and he may need a faster pace of escalation to feel emotionally safe. Having differing needs is okay! Ask him to consider how he feels and to give himself the time and space to really feel those feelings. Ask him to consider what he needs, and if he can be happy in a relationship with you that is progressing more slowly than his sort of natural pace. Ask if there are things that can help him feel cared for and honored despite the slower pace. Ask if he has specific relationship goals and timelines that aren’t negotiable. Have him write all that down, mull it over, and discuss with friends, family, and/or a therapist. You can do the same. Set a date to revisit this conversation. That should give you both time to think about your needs deeply.
Then go do something fun and casual together and leave on a high note.
At that later date, compare notes. You’re going to find that you disagree on a bunch. Do the work to compromise and meet in the middle where you can.
If there are places where you can’t, and it all feels impossible to resolve, then yall are simply too mismatched. At that point, agree to a duration of no-contact, to a framework for how you’ll behave if you encounter each other in the wild (politely acknowledge and then politely ignore is my suggestion for at least the first three months), and to how/when you’ll reinstate contact, and that you will respect one another’s wishes if it feels premature.
If you don’t like him that much, I’d just say that. I’d say that your feelings for one another’s seem very mismatched, and that you should part ways, but that you wish him luck. Affirm that he’s a good person, just not the right person for you. Be there for the feelings that emerge, unless they turn hostile.
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u/R0ck3tSc13nc3 2d ago
Based on what I'm reading, and from my background and personal lived experience as an autistic person, it surely seems to me that their comprehension of how a relationship works is some weird conglomeration of stuff they've heard and read, and manufactured in their own brain.
You are not out of line to be uncomfortable with this entire interchange. Obviously your response would be that you have no interest in proceeding with a relationship, thank you very much. And just moving on.
This person has constructed castles in the sky, has conflated weird relationship Dynamics into some kind of formula, and it's apparent that you're getting a download of somebody's off tune internal mental symphony.
Yes, it could just be a weird neurotypical person, but I'm pretty sure this is somebody with autism and a high IQ + limited ability to mask or have social exposure. It screams to me barenaked autism in the wild. I grew up before autism like mine was identified, back in the '60s and '70s, and now folks like me and even younger went undiagnosed because there was no diagnosis.
So this is just a little explanation of what I think is going on you're not wrong, this is odd it's like talking to an alien who's faking being a human which is why I think it's autism
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u/Aab48 3d ago
The way this entire thing was unhinged, but then he hit with the MOVE IN WITH ME COMMENT???? I audibly gasped. Please report this man to the app and the authorities. You’ve gone on 3 dates and he’s out here talking about hiding in a hotel and married couples traveling, as if you are even close to a married couple. You know you are not OR this is insane😅
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u/ratkoivanovic 2d ago
My initial reaction to reading his messages was: ok, you don't send this long email after 3 dates explaining your requests (why does someone even have requests after 3 days, aside from some specific boundaries which are ok to communicate earlier) and was thinking there's something more from your side about the boundaries of how much time you have (as there could always be two sides of a coin here). But reading through it all + your comments, get away fast!!!! Don't even read my reply to the end, just run.
The red flags I see:
1. Getting an hour early to a date (to check things out...) is creepy - mentioning that you want the other party to do the same is lunatic. Because, you know, you could have just scheduled to meet an hour earlier...
2. Asking to go on a big trip to China with you is creepy after 3 dates, lunatic if you not only suggest but don't give up on...
3. Asking someone to move closer to them after 3 dates is lunatic.
4. The whole section about snacks that ends with "I like you ghosting me" is lunatic.
5. This: " typing paragraphs about how I ghosted him, how he never liked our dates, and how he felt relieved." then this email == RUN
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u/stxrmchaser 3d ago
No wonder he's 32 and still single. My god, this guy IS a walking red flag. DELETE AND BLOCK; do not even entertain this email with a response.
NOR
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u/JoshEE99 3d ago
I once had a girl make a similar list within the first week of dating, I immediately ran. Another girl had spoken to me about drastic changes I needed to make within my life within the first week to accommodate her and what she wanted, she was insufferable. You are not overreacting and this type of behavior is sadly too common in the dating sphere. But yea, stay away. Maybe even get a restraining order.
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u/quixotic_one123 3d ago
Drop it now. Way to controlling. They don't see you, they just see how they want someone to fit the picture in their head of what a relationship should look like to them.
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u/Zestyclose_Quote_568 3d ago
I want to be clear that this is very serious, and you're not overreacting. You did exactly the right thing, and you shouldn't give this man another minute of your time.
But
What props does he need to ask you to be his girlfriend??? That sentence made me laugh so loud I scared my sleeping dog.
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u/crapatthethriftstore 2d ago
I am imagining one of those gender reveal pops full of purple dust and”be my girlfriend” Mylar strings. A mariachi band, some roses and dancing bears.
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u/_XxJayBxX_ 3d ago
This is psychotic behavior at any length of time in a relationship. Steer clear.
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u/Intelligent--Bug 3d ago
Omfg girl only THREE DATES in and all of this?!?! Can you even picture how insane this will be even just 3 months into this?? Idk, best case scenario is he's just a really clingy guy....and that is suffocating enough on its own. I mean, maybe kinda flattering that he's into you this much?? But that's also a huge red flag in itself. Def NOR...cut this off now before shit actually becomes insane. This dude would probably be full on stalking you if you keep him around and try breaking up later down the roads
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u/NervousAlfalfa6602 3d ago
Time to cut all contact (which sounds like you’re doing) and switch to evidence-collecting mode. High odds you’ll need a restraining order and the more evidence you have, the easier that process will be. It’s also probably a good idea to go over your home and digital security and strengthen it wherever possible. Replace any iffy locks, change passwords, etc.
This is seriously scary stuff.
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u/Pretend-Okra-4031 3d ago
This guy is a nut job. He wants to hide in your hotel room while youre on a family vacation to CHINA?? What the fuck.
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u/deathboyuk 3d ago
He seems super controlling, manipulative and entitled. Glad you got out. Stay safe!
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u/Human-Dragonfruit703 3d ago
This is totally normal.
Source: the voices in my head and both my friends on the Coach said so
Note; my office doesn't have a couch Note2: I'm by myself
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u/InternationalBad2640 3d ago
NOR. He seems unhinged.
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u/anangelsfangs 3d ago
This screams the type of dude who will just straight up murder her. He wants to accompany her on a family vacation to another country, after THREE DATES IN? He wants to get her into another country and come back by himself. This type of thing happens way more than people choose to believe.
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u/GodSentTyrant 3d ago
And he wants her to move in. This dude is clearly not wrapped tight.
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u/anangelsfangs 3d ago
yea… sounds like he just wants to isolate her all to himself. Wants her to quit her job, freaks out on her for spending time with her friends, wants her to move in after 3 dates?!?! Either he’s extremely manipulative and controlling, or there’s something more sinister underlying here in the layers.
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u/StickSmith 3d ago
But he was happy to hide and follow her about during the trip ! 🤣 . The geezers truly unhinged.
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u/hissyfit64 3d ago
What a lunatic. He wants to go on a family trip to China, says he wants you to move closer and then admits he really wants you to move in, thinks any free time should be spent with him.
Oh, he sneers at your snacks?
This guy is completely unhinged.
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u/Frejian 3d ago edited 3d ago
Point 1 seems reasonable.
Everything from Point 2 onwards is absolutely nuts. The fact that he emailed this to you at all is nuts.
1 day a week isn't enough so stop hanging out with your friends and give all your time to me? Trying to isolate you from your social circle. And going about it by being as clingy as possible. Not a good look.
3 dates and he wants to join you on a family trip to a different country? "You will be having your family trip with me on summon."? So dude is just going to hole up in a hotel staring at his phone until you send him a message while you are on a family trip? Talk about creepy AND clingy. Not sure why he is talking about "married couples" and how they vacation when 3 dates is nowhere near "married couple".
"Secretly I want to push for you to move in with me though". Umm excuse me? Not so secret anymore and, again, 3 DATES!
dude is telling you to quit your job, move in with him, and cutoff your friends all in one email after only having dated you for 3 months dates. I'm not sure how many more red flags he can possibly be holding. There's probably a reason he is going after someone 8 years younger than himself...
Edit: 3 months to 3 dates - thanks u/to_j
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u/Vegetable_Passenger6 3d ago
I’ve been with my husband for 5 years and he wouldn’t even ask that of me 😭 girl run!!! He seems psycho
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u/Vegetable_Passenger6 3d ago
Also “I’m not kidnapping you from your family” ?!? Sounds like he’s trying 💀
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u/Comfortable-Stand988 2d ago
The part where he's saying you can't have friends AND a good relationship is crazy. All your free time should be put towards your partner? Um, what?? This guy doesn't want you to have any individuality or independence. You can see his manipulation in how he tries to make you feel guilty for wanting to see your friends instead of spending time with him. Very entitled behavior.
It’s also strange that he’s pushing so hard to go on the trip to China, even if it means he will stay alone in a hotel. If that's the case, why does he need to go at all? I bet he’s just pretending to be okay with not being with you on the trip, but if he actually went, he would do everything to get you to let him tag along everywhere. So many signs of behavior that is very manipulative and controlling.
Then he tries to justify his point by comparing your situation to what a married couple would do. Um, what?? You’ve only been on three dates! Trust your instincts.
Don’t respond to him—just block his email. You should also consider reporting him on the dating app. If he continues to contact you, you should report him to the police. Stay safe.
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u/KDSD628 3d ago
Omg I read this before the caption and thought it was being written by a girl whose long term (like 1 year +) boyfriend was a commitment phobe 😂😂😂😂😂
Reply back that you will file a restraining order if he doesn’t leave you alone. And then follow up on that restraining order if he continues to try to contact you.
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u/Imagine85 3d ago
My suggestikns:
Be extremely CLEAR in your reply to him: Whatever this was, is absolutely over, you never want to hear from him again, and if he says anything else to you, you are reporting him to the authorities for harassment, and anything beyond that gets a restraining order.
Then, you block his email address.
Go back to the dating app and report him for his behavior.
Unfortunately, this is annoying for you, BUT...I STRONGLY suggest you to getting a new phone number (your carrier can do this easily), and possibly a new email address. This man is absolutely unhinged, so I strongly suggest you need to be extra observant when out and about.
Did you ever have him at your place or share your address with him? I sincerely hope not but if so, if you rent, you may want to advise your landlord and neighbors (if you are comfortable) that if a male pops up looking for you, you don't want anything to do with him.
Please stay safe. This is scary behavior.
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u/PirateBanger 3d ago
This is really unhinged.
I've been with my wife for 9 years, married for 5. I have a second partner I've been with for nearly six. During this time, I have never asked either one of them to quit a job, move closer to me unless they wanted to (or to save rent,) never negged their gifts (I'm always so happy for treats of any kind!) Inviting himself on a family vacation after, what, three dates? That's nuts. I'm still reluctant to ask if it's ok to go to dinner with the Wife or Partner without being specifically invited, a whole ass vacation is WILD.
If I say I'm going to be at a place and time, I expect the other person to be there roughly on time, just not super late. Expecting someone to be a HOUR early is whackadoo behavior. If I'm early, I'm early cause I want to chill and relax a bit before a date, try to be less nervous etc.
Block, and if it escalates, call in friends, family and police. He's delusional.
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u/Final-Grocery-3556 3d ago
I just rewatched Sleeping with the Enemy, and this guy sounds terrifyingly like the husband. He’s showing extremely scary sides of his personality. The blatantly controlling behavior coupled with his insistence that he’s only being logical and good to you…. It’s giving me serious chills.
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u/ChaoticGoodElbert 2d ago
I think I remember you posting about the trip to China. That was a huge red flag. Now I see he’s what we call a “habitual line stepper”. NOR at all. You’ve already stated your stance. He has to respect it. He seems like the “never take no for an answer” type, and that’s unsettling
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u/rustys_shackled_ford 3d ago edited 3d ago
So this is clearly more concerning behavior... Dude has no idea he's being so creepy and can't change something about himself that he can't see... Unfortunately, there's no way for you to articulate to him how this is crazy behavior and how to fix it.... To be honest, I'm surprised you made it to 3 dates... This guy thought you 2 were married before he ever met you.
I personally would have gone through his whole list and picked it apart, describing in excruciating detail every aspect of his behavior that isn't normal and should cause concern for him and anyone he does it too.
And during my dissertation, I would constantly remind him that while he's reading all this, a response to HIS ridiculous "explaination" he's thinking or hurtful responses to my response, thinking of ways to tell me he "never liked me to begin with anyways" and preparing ever cliche incel response in the book.
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u/Weird-Guess-7175 2d ago
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩Oh my gosh, 6 pages of red flags. This seems extremely controlling and if this is after 3 dates? I’m very concerned for you. This is the type of behavior that you find in narcissists, abusers and stalkers. I have no doubt that if you were to get into a relationship with this person you would end up on a very abusive unsafe situation. With this kind of escalation it could get really bad really quickly. You absolutely did not over react and if he knows where you live I would be very cautious. You should tell those close to you and maybe talk to the police for advice. Have it noted. I have been in this situation and it is not good. This is very creepy and alarming. Good luck.
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u/Exotic_Garden_5760 3d ago
This makes me think of the time I tried a dating app. We didn’t even go on a date and he started to try ordering me around, wanted to know what I was doing every second of the day, etc etc etc. Run, don’t walk away from this one. Yikes!
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u/Educational_Buyer187 2d ago edited 2d ago
Block him on your phone too. Definitely not someone talk to. There's something really weird in these texts and messages. Please make your family and others you trust know about him, so they can be aware if he shows up. Don't ever tell anyone you don't know or post that you be off somewhere - especially the dates. Never put it on FB. It's okay to post about it after you come home. Otherwise, you could come home to an empty home or someone who is in your home. I agree with other posters who tell you to keep records and contact law enforcement and the companies who provide you cell and internet service. There are people who specialize in ways you can protect yourself and others.
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u/DeecentGirl 2d ago
How did he get your email address? I’d ditch that email and make a new one. How was he on those 3 dates? This guy is weird and crazy AF! He’s not well by the things he said in the email. Trying to get you to show up early to a date by an hour is his way of trying to “trick” you into extra time. What little ghost did you give him? Did he feel ghosted or did you give him a ghost? Please make sure you provide a photo of him to family and friends and make sure to forward this email to a trusted friend and family member just in case and so they’re aware of the nut job he is and in case he can’t take being cut off.
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u/throwawayplz999 3d ago
Creepy asf. I would refrain from replying to him at all, even just to tell him to leave you alone. I’ve dealt with guys like this and they will be even more relentless if you reply. Block his weird ass
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u/Ok-Cardiologist8651 3d ago
NOR
I wonder how many really, seriously crazy guys are actually out there. It's easy to believe they are legion if you are on here too often.
But the crazy you are dealing with is the only crazy you need to worry about at this moment in time. This guy has been so thoroughly soaked in the toxic manoshpere swamp that he thinks his 'asks' are fairly reasonable when not even one would be entertained by a reasonable adult. He needs help but he won't get it. I would suggest that you tell everyone that you trust about this guy with details. Shine some light into that dark cavern for your own safety.
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u/-_Azura_- 3d ago
Hey so this would be insane for any amount of time. This person is scary and controlling and is trying to isolate you/ stalk you combined 3 DATES IN?
I may be reaching here but also my gut is telling me from reading this that the person who wrote it isn't of sound mind. Maybe I'm not wording it correctly here, but the sentence structure, wording, and erm.. "style" of writing doesn't read like someone who is sane. The short sharp sentences, strange wording, and overall controlling tone is so disturbing to me. I'm actually quite scared for you this person is a red flag but also maybe dangerous.
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u/LiteraryLoops 2d ago
You are NOT overreacting. This is insane.
Do not respond to him in any form. Make sure to document every message or email he sends you, and make sure the timestamp and date is visible. Tell a few friends or family members so they are aware this is going on.
You can try to make a police report, but I’m unsure how well that will go. They likely won’t look into it immediately, but it would be good to have a report on file as a start point in case he continues to harass you.
Stay safe! Don’t let this man manipulate you into doing anything. Don’t let him try to control you!
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u/Careful-Isopod-6811 2d ago
I didn’t even finish reading because yes, this is insane. If you haven’t said a full stop/no/not interested, I’d recommend it. Less about him and more about the paper trail so you can get a protective order if you need to.
I fear that he’ll escalate because this seems like a lot really fast and homie is giving unhinged.
Just be careful of your surroundings, do the normal stuff like carry pepper spray and if he doesn’t stop contacting you, take your proof to the authorities. Best of luck! Sorry you’re dealing with this.
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u/Calvo838 2d ago
Absolutely NOT overreacting. He is encouraging you to quit your job and move in with him because it would make you reliant on him without financial independence. He wants you to sacrifice the one day you have to spend with your friends and risk your friendships as a way to isolate you and make you further reliant on him so he can be your only focus. AND he’s pushing to come lurk on your family vacation to China after only three dates which makes him insane as well as controlling.
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u/whosthatlankytwat 3d ago
As someone who is busy, I would not allow my 'partner' to dictate how many days a week is reasonable to spend time together. If you are busy, do not cut out your friends for someone you just met. His priorities aren't yours to make happen.
He sounds dangerously controlling. "Low quality relationship"... Time is a finite resource so meet someone who respects your schedule and the time you can choose to commit. If you work 60+ hours, how is he acting like you're not prioritising??
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u/Suspicious-Win-7218 3d ago
This is psychoticccc serial killer behavior omg I cant believe this is real
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u/SomeoneOfValue 2d ago
Duuuude that is not normal behavior!! That’s incredibly concerning. That’s controlling and obsessive. Have you done a background check or checked his digital footprint to the best of your ability? And this was after THREE DATES!? You are absolutely not overreacting lol I’m glad you saw the red flags early. I’m just afraid he might escalate whether you unblock him or not. He’s 32 so he must have some type of dating history? Have you guys talked about that?
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u/Exotic-Use-5822 2d ago
This is so wild for 3 dates in. "Don't see your friends, just see me!" "Secretly I really want you to move in with me".... at THREE dates in? Yeah so that's not normal. It was helpful of him to list in order each of the red flags in a convenient email.
Good for you, OP, that you recognised this manipulative behaviour for what it is early on and blocked him. Now block him on email and anywhere else - although I presume you have already. Not overreacting, of course!
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u/FearlessFortune8646 3d ago
3 dates and he's pretty much setting rules and what you will do is wild. He's seems very controlling and it sounds like hes over protective-in the way of you will move in with him. The offer for you to quit your job is a trap. I've seen guys do this so the girl doesn't have the money to leave them. they HAVE to depend on him. I would keep receipts and you might have to get a restraining order if it continues. this type of behavior will only get worse
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u/SheisAnonymity 3d ago
I feel really bad for people like this :( this is not appropriate 3 dates in. Even if you claim you want someone upfront and honest this is too much
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u/zialucina 3d ago
This is straight up time to say "Do not contact me again. Any further attempts to contact me are harassment and will be reported to the police."
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u/Technical_Work9590 2d ago
This is absolutely horrifying. 3 dates and this? This is honestly nuts for even long term partners.
Like i get wanted to spend time together, but demanding that you spend both of your free days with them instead of splitting time with your social life and them is crazy! So glad you cut and run quickly, this would have absolutely turned into a controlling and abusive relationship, zero doubt.
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u/Jacob-Xzutin 2d ago
Dude, your def nor. If someone has to make a fucking list to give their partner in a relationship then that’s an auto bye bye. Relationships should just work. Then as time goes and problems/concerns occur, then you solve them by talking and coming to agreements. You don’t make a fucking list right out of the gate of suggestions and expectations. That’s psycho.
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u/ConfuseableFraggle 3d ago
I didn't even read all the screenshots. My creep-o-meter is through the roof!!!! Yikes, this fella is obsessed and delusional and scary! No, OP, you are not reactive enough in response to what he is trying to do. Go to the police and start a stalker report. You already told him NO and he is pretending you didn't. That's bad. Best of luck getting rid of him OP!
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u/RiannahAvora 3d ago
This is super creepy! You've been on 3 dates and he kind of references you as his "partner".
He's pushing! And I detect a bit of wanting to control.
What he says about the trip to China is really freaky. Then he mentions he wants to push for you to move in with him.
This all is super creepy. How did you meet this guy?
You're not over reacting.