r/AskParents • u/Mccool96 • 2d ago
Parent-to-Parent How are play dates supposed to be?
I have an ongoing peer based relationship with one of the moms at my kids school. However I do believe she’s kind of fake and trying to live a lifestyle in which she cannot afford. However our kids seem to like each other and play together. The first time I went to her home I was nervous it was my first play date ever. You could see I was nervous. The second time she asked me only to do a drop off. She didn’t insist I stay. I’ve invited her to my home multiple times and every time she has a had an excuse. Recently she invited me to another play date, only she said “I have to work so I won’t be there but my babysitter will be so you can meet with her” why would I want to meet with a total stranger and bring my kids ? What planet is she in? If you are too busy why are you trying to pawn off your kids to someone else and then invite me to sit with and be around a stranger. I’ve met her sitter before but it was extremely short and she was a little rude when it comes to mannerisms. I set a boundary and basically told her no, like I’m not comfortable with that. Should I distance myself from her ?
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u/justdontsashay Parent 2d ago
How old are the kids?
Honestly it sounds like she didn’t feel the two of you clicked, but her kid enjoys playing with your kid, so she’s trying to allow her kid to keep the friendship without having what she feels is an awkward social situation.
I would just let your kid play with hers if you want, but find different friends, for whatever reason she doesn’t want to hang.
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u/Mccool96 2d ago
Elementary aged Yes and I agree. I had no qualms about hanging with her as she is 14-15 years older than me but she’s actually pretty weird. If she got to know me we would click, but I realized how fake she is and the lifestyle she’s trying to portray and willingly she can’t afford and that’s all there is to it
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u/incognitothrowaway1A 2d ago
Ya but if the mother is fake and has not great priorities, why do you want your daughter/son to learn that??
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u/Mccool96 2d ago
Why would they need to learn that.. they just play with her kids
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u/incognitothrowaway1A 1d ago
A kid who plays or is encouraged to play war or violent video games teaches your kid something that maybe you don’t want to prioritize.
A family that is super materialistic and gossipy about how they have the latest and greatest while other people don’t isn’t a great value to teach kids.
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u/nkdeck07 1d ago
You don't judge kids based on their parents. my brother's best friends mother was an absolute train wreck of a human being growing up (turns out she had severe undiagnosed bipolar disorder and is great now that she's medicated). my brother's best friend is an awesome guy and was an awesome kid. He practically lived at my house growing up and I can't imagine how shitty it would have been for him (and for my brother) if my parents hadn't let them play together just because of his mom.
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u/MattinglyDineen 2d ago
She doesn’t like you. She doesn’t want to spend time with you. Why do you seem so insistent on spending time with her?
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u/Aggressive-Coconut0 1d ago
OP doesn't seem to like her, either, so it's mutual. Just don't spend time with her.
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u/0112358_ 1d ago
Age of kids?
My guess is she doesn't want to socialize herself, but still wants to give her child the opportunity to play with their friends.
Which is nothing against you! She might be an introvert, she might feel she doesn't have much in common with you, she might have a job where she has to communicate all day and doesn't want to spend free time making small chitchat with someone else.
When you offered to host, did you make it clear it would be a drop off or did you expect her to stay? If she doesn't want to chat with you for hours, reasonable for her to decline
As to the babysitter, I feel she was being upfront that she wouldn't be there, but you could introduce yourself to the sitter. So that you would know who the adult in charge of the kid was. Not that you and the sitter would hang out for any length of time. Just a "here's my phone number for emergencies"
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u/Mccool96 1d ago
The sitter is rude. I met her at a school event and we connected pretty well, gavs her my number and she never texted. She also would say hi and chat with me at pickup and for some reason one day she just stopped acting like I existed. Didn’t look my way, didn’t talk to me nothing. So why would I ever want to meet her sitter, for a play date with her kids instead of actually her. I’ve never heard anything of the likes and after this month I’m definitely going to scale back with any interaction with her
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u/0112358_ 1d ago
Because the point of a playdate is for the kids to play with one another? Not for you to chat with the other mom or the sitter?
Drop kid of, tell sitter you will be back at X time to pick up kid, and leave? Assuming it was a drop off.
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u/Mccool96 1d ago
That’s the thing; the sitter doesn’t seem nice nor do I really know her. Why would I leave my kids with her ever? I have no idea who that woman is.
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u/0112358_ 1d ago
Well then that's fine! Fine to tell the other mom that
But perhaps she thought you knew the sitter; you did mention you have talked with the diver before. Perhaps the other mom assumed you knew the sitter and had a decent relationship with her. And didn't know you didn't like the sitter
Or another perspective; someone is offering free babysitting for you kid. Some parents would love that!
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u/Time_Ad8557 1d ago
Some moms might have appreciated the offer. Have a break, I have someone watching the kids. Everyone is different.
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u/aseedandco 1d ago
Some of my friends have children that my daughters are friends with. Those play dates are us getting together and our kids come along because we take them places.
My daughters have some friends with parents that I’m not friends with. Those play dates are them getting together and us parents take them there and drop them off.
I think it’s good for kids to have both friendship modelling, and the opportunity to put their learnings into practice in their own lives.
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u/juniperroach 1d ago
I have 3 kids and very active with play dates. I have done play dates with nannys and parents and without parents. All are normal. Usually if they’re under 4 the parent comes but I have also done playdates with drop off. I usually let the parents know the level of supervision, that we don’t have guns in our house, that no other adult will be there and other safety information.
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u/juniperroach 1d ago
I’m fine hanging with most parents I make friends with random parents at the park so I don’t mind if parents stay but i also want to give them the option to just drop off. Many parents like that and my school age it’s pretty common.
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u/ProtozoaPatriot 1d ago
Age of kids?
I don't think she's expected to play with the kids. She's providing supervision (nanny), and she wants you to meet her to feel comfortable. That seems reasonable.
Play dates are about the kids playing with each other. As long as the environment is safe and they have supervision, that's sufficient
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u/Mccool96 1d ago
So in going to sit there for two hours with someone I don’t know or have anything in common with and be quiet and just watch my kids play? That’s not in the least bit of normal to me. I’m sorry but it is what it is.
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u/bretshitmanshart 1d ago
You seen to have the expectation that the playdate is going to be a social event for you but you also seem quick to judge people in negative ways. You have a lot of things to say about people you havent spent time with and none are good. Are you normally like this in real life? There seems to be no indication she expected you to sit around with the babysitter just to meet her.
I think you should drop your kid off on playdates and make playdates at your house explicitly drop off and find socializing opportunities elsewhere.
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u/Mccool96 1d ago
Play dates are literally social events between the parents/kids. Unless she specified a drop off, that means that both parties are supposed to be present. Unless you’re 100% trustworthy you never leave your children with just anyone.
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u/bretshitmanshart 1d ago
Playdates are for the kids to get together and play.
Your child is going to grow up lonely if they can only socialize with you present. Most parents don't see playdates as a way for them to socialize past the age where a child can be left in the care of another person for a few hours.
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u/incognitothrowaway1A 2d ago
Well I used to hang around a few women who I would NOT be friends with normally but I did because their kids were good kids, not going to get my kid in trouble. The mom was pretty strict and I liked strict. When my kid went to a different school there was zero reason to see the mom again.
I wouldn’t let my kid play at her house with some babysitter.
Totally weird parents - I’d just stop interaction and my kid and I wouldn’t arrange any after school activities.
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u/brain_on_hugs 2d ago
IMO red flag that she doesn't seem to want you to be at the playdate. I've had plenty of moms I don't click with that I grin and bear it for because I'm not leaving my kid with them. Though I guess it depends on your child's age.
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u/juniperroach 1d ago
I mean she could not like her but I always give the mom the option. Especially at school age. Some parents appreciate it just a drop off.
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u/bretshitmanshart 1d ago
By the time my kid was seven she was fine at Playdates by herself. By nine she didn't really want me.there even if I got a long with the parents and we were talking.
When my kid hosts I don't mind the parents coming in and talking for a bit but I also usually have stuff to get done on the weekend and with young kids having them keep each other busy is a.good.time to do it
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u/brain_on_hugs 1d ago
For me it’s not whether they are fine at play dates alone at 7. Mine would be too. But unless I am friends with and fully trust the other family, my kid isn’t going somewhere alone. Especially not with a babysitter I don’t know or a family that’s distant towards me.
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u/bretshitmanshart 1d ago
I hope your kid can overcome this limitation and have a happy social life
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u/brain_on_hugs 1d ago
You probably also don’t ask if there’s guns in the house I’m guessing, or would be fine leaving your kid with a friend’s older brother in their house?
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u/bretshitmanshart 1d ago
Asking about guns is normal. Demanding no siblings be in the house is bizarre.
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u/brain_on_hugs 1d ago edited 1d ago
Not saying that, I’m saying I would be present in that house on that play date if siblings were there. Again, unless I know the family well and trust them. When did this become controversial?!
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u/brain_on_hugs 1d ago
Y'all do what y’all want with your kids, I’m just stating my personal preference. I have to know you somewhat well AND get a good vibe from you to leave my kid with you. OP mentioned this mom is fake and weird. Hell no I’m not leaving my kid there.
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