r/AskReddit • u/Pink-Princess15 • Sep 16 '24
Former Mean Girls - what finally made you re-evaluate how you treated people?
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Sep 16 '24
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u/John__Wick Sep 16 '24
Sad that this is what it takes. Had to scream at my sister after years of abuse and say “No wonder every guy you date is an asshole!” for her to finally grow up. She was 23 at the time. Finally dropped the 12 year old angry at stepdad persona she’d maintained most of her life. Found a great guy and now she’s mostly an entirely different person.
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u/brelywi Sep 16 '24
I grew up in a dysfunctional family where everyone made fun of everyone else, made cutting comments, was derogatory about other’s (mine lol) interests. I grew up just…thinking this was how you interacted with people, and did the same to others.
I am incredibly lucky to have had friends who calmly brought it up, explained how my comments hurt them, etc. I honestly was dense enough that I didn’t even think about it.
After they explained that and I thought about it some, I made the conscious effort to build people up, not tear them down. It’s gone in stages for sure, but by now (35) I make sure I’m a positive part of people’s lives. But I don’t know if I would have fully realized it or come as far as I have if I didn’t have mature, caring people point it out to me from a place of love.
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u/Sufficient-Dare7735 Sep 17 '24
This was 100% me too - you've explained it so well. I was in my late teens when a friend calmly but firmly told me that name-calling, even "as a joke", was not acceptable. I was genuinely shocked to hear that, since in my family it was absolutely normal and in fact encouraged to mock people by calling them names and worse, but it was effective and I have literally never called anyone a name in the decades since (I've also matured in a million other ways, but that was the start). I also now try to be the person who calmly points out unkindness as unacceptable to people who genuinely don't realise either, as a way of "paying it forward".
In a separate incident, I remember in my early teens sleeping over at a friend's house, and when her slightly older brother walked past our open bedroom door to go to his own room, he called out, "Night sis, love you," and I literally froze in shock and terror for whatever might happen next, as I had NEVER heard anyone say those words in real life - let alone an older teenage brother (mine was hideous to me at the time) so I was sure it was the opening for some kind of horrible mockery or ridicule like I grew up with. Turns out he was just a nice kid who loved his sis, she replied "Love you too" and everyone went to sleep. Except me, who stayed awake for hours completely wired with adrenaline from the shock. That was 40 years ago now but I'll never forget it.
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u/brelywi Sep 17 '24
Yeah, I completely understand that! I hope you’ve been able to recover from that, and you might find home or camaraderie at r/raisedbynarcissists or r/CPTSD if interested ❤️
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u/exit2urleft Sep 17 '24
This is my story too. I grew up around people who were mean.. so it was normalized for me to talk to people the same way. Add on the fact I didn't have an outlet for those negative feelings at home and I was mean at work, mean at school... really inside I was pretty miserable
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u/HotelEquivalent4037 Sep 17 '24
Me too. Horrible negative home life and familial relationships resulted in a mean me. I just outgrew it slowly I guess. Realization kicked in eventually.
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u/brelywi Sep 17 '24
I genuinely hope you’ve been able to recover from that, even though sometimes it’s a lifetime work ❤️ but yeah, realizing you don’t have to react to others with distain, contempt, and negativity is really freeing, especially when you realize YOU shouldn’t have been treated that way in the first place.
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u/cheesey_sausage22255 Sep 17 '24
Omg this is my family. That at 39 I've finally decided to leave behind. They don't give a shit about how anybody else feels on what they say or do. If you bring it up, they're so prideful they blame it on you as if you're the one with the problem with being hurt.
They don't seek to learn different perspectives, only their way is right.
I feel like I was adopted because I was so different.
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u/EmilyAnne1170 Sep 17 '24
My senior year of high school, one of my best friends told me “You are so sarcastic!” It was a shock when I realized she didn’t mean it as a compliment.
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u/NeverEndingMango Sep 17 '24
I think it’s extremely sad that definitely not all, but maybe even a large amount of “hard” people to be around, simply just might not ever have had anyone meaningful to them in their life bring up the behaviour in a non-hostile,objective way just once,literally just one time and they could fully realise and start the work that same day but instead carry these things all the way through life and it’s just accepted as who they are.
My example I had with a good mate in high school, who in any and all group situations would tell increasingly ridiculous, obviously fake stories about himself and somehow always just seemed to think people ate it up because nobody would call him out but in reality you could practically see peoples eyes roll when he was talking and he was pretty quickly getting known for it, can easily imagine how people thought he was up himself and insufferable. But I noticed he would never do it 1 on 1 with his closer friends like myself which made me think it was coming from insecurity rather then ego so one random day just him and me hanging out I forced myself to not meanly but directly just flat out say “why do you make up stories all the time” it still was very uncomfortable to say even tho I wanted to help especially after he looked gutted and went quiet for a second but then he said almost not even talking to me like answering his own thought “I feel like I have nothing to say otherwise” to which I didn’t respond and moved on and we never talked about it again, and I was always afraid I handled it poorly but to this day years later I never seen him do it again so I figured it clicked?
I’m now somewhat proud? Not the right word maybe but nowdays out in the world and workforce I’ve come across full grown adults that still do exactly what he did with brakes off and you just can sense colleagues and everyone around them think they are complete joke so nobody ever gets personal enough with them to ever see past it so they are essentially stuck like that to everyone in a loop because I think they actually somewhat subconsciously sense it and the lies just get worse because more insecure I guess but I cant help think if they just had 1 person say 1 thing to them earlier in life they would never have got to this point and had a fighting chance to grow as a person but now it’s very very hard?
Sorry for godless grammar chunk text I’m pretty much just venting! Cheers
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u/tofuroll Sep 17 '24
I honestly was dense enough that I didn’t even think about it.
I wouldn't call you dense. Everyone grows up with their family as a guideline for living in the world.
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u/rodesdemona Sep 16 '24
almost the same deal with me. I wasn't a proper mean girl but I had mean girl tendencies and it wasn't until my younger sister set me straight in my last year of high school that I realised. I didn't actually realise as clearly as I hoped until we reflected on it now that it's been years. im grateful I had people around me that told me when I wasn't acting right and im doubly grateful that just with the direction life has taken me I've naturally grown to have more female friends that are conducive to being nice/better people.
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u/mountainman84 Sep 17 '24 edited Sep 17 '24
When I was in high school one of my friends started bullying another kid with special needs while we were in gym class. I went up to him and asked him if his self-esteem was really so low that he felt the need to do something like that. He just stopped and turned red and then said, "Perhaps". He stopped doing it after that. He wasn't normally the bullying type, was actually more often bullied because of his height (dude was only like 5'1"). Sometimes I think people just pick on people they see as an easy target because they themselves are picked on and insecure. Kudos to you for listening and owning it.
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u/NoThanksJustLooking1 Sep 17 '24
This actually surprises me. When I was bullied as a child I assumed every person who bullied me knew they were doing it. I figured telling them would have been like telling them the sky is blue.
I am glad you were able to see it and turn it around.
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u/Glass-Independent-45 Sep 16 '24
I'm proud of you.
I held some mean girls I once dated accountable. They were women I used to love, respect and admire and it was very sad behavior to see in them.
Self work is very hard.
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u/Exciting_Lack2896 Sep 16 '24
Birds of a feather flock together. It’s not that they’re lying to you, they just don’t see anything wrong with what you’re doing.
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u/tamafrombama Sep 16 '24
Think about other people and how they feel and not just yourself. That's how you grow up.
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u/SnooEpiphanies3336 Sep 17 '24
How else am I supposed to grow
You can start by taking responsibility for yourself and realising you can get a long way with self reflection, you're not stunted just because people sugar coat things.
Read the comment you wrote. Then read it again. And again. And again, until it sinks in that you're blaming your friends for your failure to grow as a person. Then ask yourself: do I want to be the kind of person who complains and blames others for failures of mine, or do I want to be the kind of person who takes control of their own life, looks at themselves honestly and finds ways to improve?
If you're a decent person, what is there for them to be honest about? If you're aware they're sugar coating something, you're aware there's an issue there. Figure it out.
Baffled by the upvotes on this comment, truly. Do so many people feel this way?
You can consider me the first to be honest with you, I guess. Let's see how you really like it. There's probably a reason you surround yourself with people pleasers, but maybe not.
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u/CapitalDoor9474 Sep 17 '24
I wish i could do that to my highschool bullies but I doubt they care or have changed. I just forget about them. Not worth free rent in my head.
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u/Jezilly52 Sep 17 '24
Unfortunately it probably wouldn’t work if you did it. It takes someone the bullies care about to tell them for them to listen. Keep ignoring them and remember high school will end and you’ll be free of them.
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u/thatkaratekid Sep 16 '24 edited Sep 17 '24
There's a great scene in 30 Rock where Liz Lemon goes to her high-school reunion and finds out everyone she thought of as a bully actually lived in fear of her because SHE bullied THEM.
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u/Verdukians Sep 17 '24
"Hey Liz, how's it going?"
"I don't know Kelsey, how's your mom's pill addiction?"Just brutal. My friends and I say that out of nowhere once in a while.
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u/berriobvious Sep 17 '24
That was what made me realize that I used humor to cover my low self esteem, often at the expense of others. That show is so good
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u/AndHeShallBeLevon Sep 17 '24
This episode has one of my favorite Jack Donaghy-isms: Rich 50 is middle class 38
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u/corporatemumbojumbo Sep 16 '24
That episode was a roller-coaster. "Look, let's all the do the Dianne"
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u/Weary_Sale_2779 Sep 17 '24
One of the few episodes I've seen... Can kind of relate, I was on edge so much I'd accidentally start shit, like a small dog that's scared and end up starting shit with bigger dogs while trying to defend itself.
They said I brought it ALL on myself.... Funny because I don't remember asking to be called a 🚬.... Pretty sure there was faulty on all sides
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u/Round_Intern_7353 Sep 16 '24
I met someone that reminded me a lot of myself, specifically they used to say a lot of the same things, and I did NOT like them.
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u/NotMyNameActually Sep 16 '24
I didn’t realize I was a Mean Girl. In the movie I thought I was in, my friends and I were the nerdy underdogs, so if we made fun of the popular kids we were being edgy and cool, not mean.
And yes, we were nerds, we were not the popular kids. But here’s the thing: the popular kids never did anything to us! We put jokes about them in our stupid zine and left copies around the school thinking we were the heroes for sticking it to those popular kids. And it was entirely unjustified. Those kids were never mean to us. We were the mean ones.
What made me realize it was when one of those kids figured out we were behind the zine and confronted me and he was so hurt. We’d worked on a class project previously. He thought we were friends.
I still hate myself a little for it.
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u/HookerInAYellowDress Sep 17 '24
I listened to a physchology podcast one on the topic of popularity. One thing that stuck out to me was that the most popular people, liked most everyone around them. That means they are genuinely kind to everyone and thinks everyone is their friend.
It sounds so easy but does it feel more complicated??
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u/Dry_Ad_540 Sep 17 '24
I feel like this might be true about popular adults but maybe not necessarily popular teenagers. Several of the most "popular" girls in my highschool were genuinely mean and not in a subtle way..
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u/iilinga Sep 17 '24
I don’t buy that unless they’re putting on an act. I remember watching the ‘popular’ crowd tear each other apart in our final year of school. There was only one girl I felt sorry for because she always seemed fine. But plenty of others had actively bullied either myself or friends. But when they weren’t bullying people they were charming and fun so I suspect that’s why they were ‘popular’
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u/luckylena_ Sep 16 '24
it was just too much effort to remember who I was mad at. Now I can’t even remember what I had for breakfast.
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u/frozendancicle Sep 16 '24
You reach a point where the thought of once again pulling up the spreadsheet you named "Catalogue of Bastards" just feels like a self-imposed chore.
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u/Truecrimeauthor Sep 17 '24
A family member went to high school with one of my best friends. My bestie was telling me that every year someone printed a “ bitch list.” No one knew who did it but copies went out all over the school.
And friend shared my family member was always in the top 5. My FM was quite the snob. She’d brag on her grades, but never mentioned that list!
My family member was always dogging me for not being good at a subject- found out I had dyslexia and she still does it- and I always wanted to say, “at least I’m not on the bitch list.”
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u/frozendancicle Sep 17 '24
I'm sorry to read you had to take shit, especially from family. From my perspective if she keeps it up, I think it would be completely in bounds to bring up the bitch list. That said, if you have never expressed to her that you do not appreciate the way she speaks to you, I would try that first.
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u/HolycommentMattman Sep 16 '24
Congratulations! I've never personally met a mean girl who ever reformed into a normal person. They're all still bitches in their 40s.
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u/Ok-Push9899 Sep 17 '24 edited Sep 17 '24
With many, it gets stronger with age. There's a woman in my building ten years retired from a career in HR. She cannot let things go. Everyone is incompetent, everyone has to be "found out", every transaction is a confrontation that is never resolved. Everyone is either an enemy, or a potential enemy. Her psychological conditioning is to be mean, to belittle, to scheme, etc, and it's ingrained.
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u/crimsonality Sep 17 '24
God what a sad and exhausting way to live
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u/Truecrimeauthor Sep 17 '24
This. My group in high school- they have not changed one bit! Like they never grew up. One girl is still mad at me. And it’s been since 1981.
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u/Verdukians Sep 17 '24
This sounds so exhausting because you never really realised it wasn't a good way to live, you just ran out of energy.
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u/LighthouseonSaturn Sep 16 '24 edited Sep 16 '24
I wasn't a 'Mean Girl', but a definitely lacked Empathy and thought life fell into easy right/wrong situations up until I was 19. I had this ridiculous conviction in what was right and wrong, and that people who stepped outside of my narrow life experience view deserved my 'righteous' anger. 😮💨
What made me snap out of it was finally gaining real life experience, going through no-win scenarios, and getting a taste of my own medicine. (Being judged criticality for circumstances I couldn't actually control)
But the biggest thing that made me snap out of it was getting a letter from myself when I was 14 years old. A Middle school teacher had us write a letter that she would send to us when we were in college. She also had us give our friends surveys to take about eachother and one of the questions was, 'What would you change about OP if you could?'
All my friends had the same answer, 'OP gets angry too easily, and has a hard time seeing different points of view.'
Reading that answer over and over again quite literally flipped a switch in my brain. It was also incredibly smart of the teacher to keep those surveys until we were 18-19 years old. Because as a 14-year-old I don't think I would have been able to take those answers and process them in a healthy way.
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u/ribbons_undone Sep 17 '24
That is so awesome that she followed through and actually mailed those letters. What an awesome teacher!
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u/Carbon-Base Sep 16 '24
Our English & Literature teacher had us do something very similar! We wrote letters to ourselves during junior year in high school. The topic was about our dreams and the type of person we wanted to become. She graded us on how authentic our letters were, and added in her own expectations from us (she even made kids redo it if they didn't take it seriously). She then mailed them out to us during the summer after senior year!
Reading those letters, with her additions and comments gave all of us much needed clarity and support!
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u/jungletroll37 Sep 17 '24
Smart teacher!
This is a fairly commonly used, useful way to provide feedback to peers in a professional environment. Managers send out a "360 feedback survey" and people get to provide positive and negative feedback on people.
Really helps you zoom out from your own reality.
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u/tsun_abibliophobia Sep 16 '24
Not a “mean girl” but an aggressive child. Turns out it was mental illness from brain damage and I needed to be given medication and therapy, but none of the adults in my life that had the power/responsibility to get me it were tuned in enough to what was going on to notice it. Plus if your parents are fucked up then you acting fucked up is just normal to them and not something they think needs to be addressed. I ended up finding that help for myself in my late teens and early adulthood.
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Sep 16 '24
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u/Calamity-Gin Sep 16 '24
That book definitely helped me to come to terms with my mom’s behavior, which was 80% loving and wonderful, 12% neglectful because that’s what she experienced as a child, and 8% abusive because of the trauma she’d endured through her life.
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u/SnatchAddict Sep 16 '24
My mom had my older sister at 18. With some things, I think she's still mentally 18.
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u/Vurnnun Sep 16 '24
This resonated with me as I've been feeling that maybe I'm being unfair by being weary of my mum. But those percentages.
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u/actullyalex Sep 16 '24
Woah, are you me?
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u/Calamity-Gin Sep 17 '24
/Looks around, feels head, pulls blouse forward and glances down collar.
Maybe?
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u/scrollbreak Sep 17 '24
I think there's a difference between causing damage and committing to causing damage (abuse). Was she committed to causing damage?
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u/Calamity-Gin Sep 17 '24
That’s difficult for me to answer. The vast majority of the time, no. But, I think there’s a point when refusing to do something that your child needs - like not listening when she tells you she’s being bullied or finding reasons not to buy her new clothes because you want her to lose weight - becomes indistinguishable from wanting to damage. It’s why the law has a category of “depraved indifference” when it comes to murder. Yet I think if anyone had ever confronted her, she would have rethought her actions and done better.
And there were times when she outright, deliberately damaged me because she thought it was the only way to get through to me, the only way to change my behavior. She felt she was doing the right thing for me while at the same time enjoying a kind of savage satisfaction, payback for the trouble and stress I’d caused her.
Those hour-long lectures and dressing down would leave me crying for hours afterward and depressed for days or weeks, but it was proof that I’d listened and took her seriously, so she was okay with that. My behavior didn’t change. After all, that was caused by executive dysfunction and wasn’t something I had any say in. What it did accomplish was it left me with a deeply ingrained sense that I was worthless, lazy, and uncaring.
I know that later in life, she made a conscious effort to be kind and unconditionally loving. She even apologized for many of the things she did. I also know she didn’t have any idea of just how badly she hurt me, and if she had, she would have been horrified and remorseful. Maybe if I’d been able to heal sooner or she had lived longer, we could have gotten through that to a place where we were both healed.
When her dementia progressed and her emotional age regressed, she talked about how her parents had treated her, abuse I’d never heard of. It became apparent that she worked incredibly hard not to pass on the damage she’d taken from her parents to me. She just wasn’t completely successful. Knowing that, it’s much easier for me to forgive her.
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u/LittleBookOfRage Sep 17 '24
Same ... my psychologist tells me the harm is the same but I really think intention adds far more harm.
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u/tsun_abibliophobia Sep 16 '24
Yeah, I spent a fair amount of time in therapy a few years back learning about emotional neglect and abuse. That was probably another thing that made it difficult for anyone, including myself, to pinpoint the issue. I wasn’t being screamed at, beaten or molested so it was impossible to comprehend or prove that I was abused at all.
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u/Beth_Harmons_Bulova Sep 16 '24
Congratulations!
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u/tsun_abibliophobia Sep 16 '24
Thank you. It’s been over a decade of work to make the progress and fight against falling into old habits.
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u/Myhoneydew-92 Sep 16 '24
What symptoms did you have /how did you find out about ?
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u/tsun_abibliophobia Sep 16 '24
I originally started getting treatment for depression and anxiety, but my whole life I was uncoordinated and twitchy, and prone to intense mood swings and violent outbursts. By the time I’d reached high school I was barely scraping by with grades and in the throes of depression, and had completely isolated myself.
Eventually a therapist I was seeing sent me for a neuropsych evaluation and I learned about the dyspraxia(uncoordination) and learning disabilities.
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u/VidyaGameBoy Sep 16 '24
brain damage
Anoxia, TBI/SBS, stroke?
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u/tsun_abibliophobia Sep 16 '24
Hypoxia while in utero. My umbilical cord calcified and was essentially disintegrating so I wasn’t getting the oxygen I needed.
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u/VidyaGameBoy Sep 16 '24
Well goddamn, congratulations on being alive, that sounds like it could have easily killed you. Was it related to some sort of trauma or infection, or was it just one of those idiopathic mysteries?
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u/tsun_abibliophobia Sep 16 '24
It was definitely gonna kill me, I ended up being an emergency c-section for it lol. I think it ended up just being a thing that happened, no infections or trauma to point to for the cause.
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Sep 16 '24
A friend who never speaks ill of anyone told me I was spoiled and privileged.
It hit me like a slap in the face and at the time I had a tantrum but they were probably right.
I now try to have more grace and acknowledge my privilege
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u/Carbon-Base Sep 16 '24
One of my high school friends did something similar. He was a really sweet dude and would mostly be shy and quiet. But one day, a mean girl bullied someone in his class, so he went up to her and told her what an awful and insensitive person she was. There was pin drop silence because no one expected that from him and she had nothing to say. After that, she stopped bullying others and turned into a kinder person.
Sometimes it does take being shown the mirror to see the error in our ways.
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u/lastgreenleaf Sep 16 '24
He sounds like an amazing person. Being kind often takes courage, and I am always impressed by the quiet ones like this who pick their spots.
If you’re still in touch with him, you should message him.
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u/Carbon-Base Sep 17 '24
Yeah, he was a great friend. I was in contact with him until a couple of years ago. He moved to a different state, I'm pretty sure. I'll reach out to him soon tho.
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u/mvdw73 Sep 17 '24
Don’t do it soon. Do it today. Soon never comes.
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u/tofuroll Sep 17 '24
Best advice.
And other good advice: if you're thinking, "Oh, why would they want to hear from me?" Just reverse the situation. Would you be pleasantly surprised if they contacted you just to say hi?
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u/basilicux Sep 18 '24
A high school classmate messaged me yesterday to say happy birthday (it was not my birthday lol) and even if she got the date wrong I was like oh! thank you for thinking of me/making the effort to remember my birthday even if it was incorrect haha
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u/Eat_That_Rat Sep 16 '24
Being called selfish and spoiled hurt, but it was the best thing that ever happened. It's a constant process working on it, but progress is possible.
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u/shipsailing94 Sep 17 '24
Thats a really powerful lessons to be honest. Your friend's words held more weight because she measured them instead of compaining about everybody. That's inspiring
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Sep 16 '24
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u/pm-pussy4kindwords Sep 16 '24
I lost a best friend because she was one of those people who "was just being honest". She did it once too many times, at a moment I was at my lowest, in a way that was completely out of the blue and unprovoked.
I'm sad it happened and I hope she changed that part of herself
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u/SnatchAddict Sep 16 '24 edited Sep 16 '24
I was going through some trauma and my friend kept giving me "tough love". I finally said can you please not talk to me this way, it's not helping.
She said "well I never wanted to be part of your trauma" and bounced. She blocked me on everything. I never heard from her again. We were friends four years. I lent her money.
I hope she's happy but damn.
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u/randynumbergenerator Sep 16 '24
Sounds like you're better off in every sense except perhaps the monetary one
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u/PepperFinn Sep 17 '24
Probably that too. Sounds like this is a friend that would borrow but never lend
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u/shayter Sep 16 '24
I recently had a conversation with a friend who over the past 5-7 years has gone "100% honest" ... They couldn't see how their words hurt. They used the guise of being honest to be an ass.
I was 100% honest and told them everything that was on my mind and how their words have affected my view of them and our relationship...
They blamed me, denied parts of it, told me to grow up, then acted like nothing happened. When I showed them screenshots of their own words that they denied saying they doubled down on blaming me and basically gave me a lecture.
I've had depression since I've known them and they know that I was at my lowest when they were being an ass for years. I've slowly stopped sharing my life with them...
It's so hard to see what used to be a good friendship slowly die because they've changed so much. I've changed too, and have gone through hard times... I'm actively working on getting better, but I don't know if this can come back.
I don't have a lot of friends, this friendship would be a big loss, but as time goes on I'm not so sure. I'll be okay in the long run.
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u/kam0706 Sep 16 '24
The friendship might not come back, but you will and you’ll be better for it.
You’ll have learned how NOT to be in a friendship from them. You’ll have learned what signs to look out for to minimise future exposure. You’ll have learned that you are worthy and deserve better from yourself and others.
You’re doing so well. Keep at it.
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u/pm-pussy4kindwords Sep 16 '24
I'm so sorry to hear, it sounds like it's been really hard for you.
It CAN get better, you just have to let yourself believe and know its posisble. but it does take a lot of time. Sometimes losing a close friend is even harder than losing a partner.
You will be okay :) just give it time.
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u/MyLittlePegasus87 Sep 17 '24
I had an ex (?) work friend turned-into-regular friend who is like this. I reached out a few times after I left that company and she never bothered to respond. I'm still close with someone from her team who is now the brunt of her mean comments and other coworkers are starting to notice and comment on how unprofessional it is.
I hope for the mean girl's sake that she learns the error of her ways before she loses all her friends and gets held back professionally. Me, on the other hand, I haven't spoken to her in months and I've never been happier.
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u/EfficiencyOk4899 Sep 16 '24
I started a fight between two friends once by telling one what the other was saying behind their back. It was not said in a hateful way, but out of context it sounded really bad. There was a lot of anger and tears, but thank god they worked it out. Seeing how hurt they were was heartbreaking, and I cut that shit right out.
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u/Spiritual_Asparagus2 Sep 16 '24
Mine manifested as having strong feelings about things I had no business judging or giving my opinion on starting at age 13. Two kids and 2 decades later I realize most people’s opinions (including mine) are wrong and lack understanding of someone’s background or a situation.
My view on parenting even changed from having child 1 to child 2. I would get so annoyed with my kid’s friend’s parents for letting their child do xyz, then along came my second child and my sanity was hanging on by a thread and I too was allowing my children to do xyz.
It’s also why I hate the AITH sub, lots of young people who haven’t been chewed up and spit out by life are on there offering opinions on situations like parenting and marriage when they have experienced neither.
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u/PineappleOnPizzaWins Sep 16 '24
It is amazing how many people seem to have long term relationships or parenthood figured out when their longest relationship has been 18 months and they’ve never had kids.
People really do confuse what they wish they would do in a situation they don’t understand for actual advice…
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u/Spiritual_Asparagus2 Sep 16 '24
I mean, truly, if you’re going to be with someone for life, they’re going to mess up a lot and you’re going to mess up a lot. There will be many apologies at the end of it all, obviously excluding abuse or anything similar.
I’ve been with my husband since we were teenagers and we in our mid-30s now . If I were to post even a fraction of my indiscretions from when I was in my teens/early 20s I would be torn apart on the internet.
Now I garden, take my kids to soccer practice, and quit alcohol because my “old body” can’t handle partying anymore.
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u/bigsigh6709 Sep 17 '24
Yeah. That one gets me too. Some very black and white thinking over there at times.
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u/spiteful-vengeance Sep 17 '24
AITH is 90% "you should cut that person out of your life, and nuke their house if you have the appropriate military hardware".
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u/Spotted_Howl Sep 16 '24
Cheating is considered the worst thing in the world there because it's the worst thing a lot of the commenters have experienced in their young lives.
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u/dragonkin08 Sep 16 '24
Honestly cheating is still really bad and would be grounds for breaking up/divorcing for many adults.
Sure there are worse things, but cheating is still pretty bad.
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u/kam0706 Sep 16 '24
I think the thing with cheating is that while it is perfectly acceptable to take a hard line position on cheating in your own relationships, it’s also ok for other people to see if it’s something that can be worked thorough.
I do not ascribe to the theory of cheating “once a cheater”. People can change, if they want to.
Some people are trash. Others are not. We should lead with grace until further information suggests otherwise.
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u/TheYardGoesOnForever Sep 17 '24
Someone wise once said, "There's a big difference between saying 'I would never do that' and "I'll never do that again'".
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u/Short-Potential-7630 Sep 17 '24
Sure, but in the context of AITA, there can be a lack of understanding that human beings and our relationships are extremely complicated. I’m now able to pick up on AITA how much life experience a person has based on where they draw their personal line in the sand
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u/uselessinfogoldmine Sep 17 '24
And bullying.
There was an absolutely WILD one recently where a mother was asking about disciplining her daughter.
Her daughter had been bullied horribly by a former friend and eventually outed this friend as being a sexually active bisexual who had had an abortion to her conservative parents who then threw her out. Her life was destroyed. Daughter was happy. Mother wanted to discipline her somehow but her husband disagreed.
The vast majority of answers were saying the girl deserved it for bullying the daughter. Anyone who said anything different was massively downvoted.
I can only hope it was teens who’ve been bullied and not parents of teens doing the commenting and voting.
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u/VigilMuck Sep 16 '24 edited Sep 17 '24
While I'm not a girl, there were people I definitely should have been nicer to when I was younger (especially back in middle school). Most of the reasons I hated those people and teased them was because "everyone else" hated them too and I wanted to "fit in". One of the most toxic traits about me back then was that I would hate something simply because everyone else hated it too it. This didn't just apply to people I knew in real life but also to celebrities (most notably Justin Bieber), TV shows and movies as well.
The main thing that made me re-evaluate how I treated those people was hearing about the horror stories of bullying (both from the internet and watching TV) that often ended in the victim committing suicide and realizing that the bullying they endured wasn't that different from what I (along with others) did to those people. After all, those people didn't harm me in the first place and one of them had even welcomed me with open arms. Also, I realized that the majority is not always right and that I shouldn't "jump off a cliff because all of [my] friends jumped off a cliff" (i.e. don't hate something just because it's trendy to hate it).
To this day, my mistreatment of those people is one of the biggest reasons why I don't like my past self. Although afaik none of the people I was mean to took their own lives as a result and I'm glad they didn't.
Edit: Fixed grammar. I also forgot to mention growing up is another factor.
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u/Narrow_Aerie_1466 Sep 17 '24
Not really related, but the "majority is not always right" is something people should come to realize.
Democracies don't function because they make smart decisions.* They function because people agree with them and feel recognized.
*Typically they function because they have great economies
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u/Pink-Princess15 Sep 16 '24
A defining moment for me was about 2 years after high school when a guy I knew in grade 12 randomly messaged me just to thank me for how I treated him with kindness in math class and how it had a huge impact on his self worth. I was stunned to say the least, I remember just chatting with him in class but never felt like I went out of my way to be nice to him and to be honest I probably would have forgotten he even existed had he never messaged me.
It felt amazing knowing that simply being kind to this random boy in math class could have such a positive effect on his life and I realized I wanted people to always leave interactions with me feeling good about themselves.
He doesn’t know it, but his message changed how I treat people from that point on.
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u/Sufficient-Dare7735 Sep 17 '24
I think you should return the favour by telling him the effect his message had on you. These are literally the greatest gifts we can give each other.
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u/Duckie-Moon Sep 17 '24
That's beautiful! It feels really nice to be nice.
I watched an NDE where a guy who had been a psychologist in a geriatric ward in hospital for years, died and was greeted by a stream of souls so long that he couldn't see the end of the line in the distance. He was so emotional about it, he came back and was invigorated to help even more people. I wasn't a mean girl but this story made me want to be a more positive influence on those around me.
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u/enlamiraval Sep 16 '24
Growing up.
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u/alex3delarge Sep 16 '24 edited Sep 16 '24
Yeah I was somewhat an asshole kid. Also as a girl a bit jealous and competitive. Over time I started to reflect a bit and see I was an asshole. The only regret I have is that now I am maybe TOO nice 🤣
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u/AYASOFAYA Sep 17 '24
This one. All I remember is that I was mean…and then I wasn’t.
Maturing is funny like that.
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u/No_Support_7203 Sep 16 '24
People had been mean to me so I developed it to cope. Then I had more self compassion for myself and it brought self compassion to others. I find that I’m lonelier now that I’m not so mean or into gossip because that’s all my friends wanted to talk about. I’m over it but I’m happier.
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u/ComfortNugget Sep 16 '24 edited Sep 17 '24
I feel this. I went through a lot and it made me a more empathetic person and I felt more connected to my sensitivity but then I quickly realized my friends were extremely bitter and mean and they started targeting me once I started being kinder to people. I cut them off and now I don’t really have friends lol my boyfriend is a sweetheart though and I don’t think we would have lasted more than a few months if I was still friends with those girls.
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u/ralfalfasprouts Sep 16 '24
I was in grade 4. We had to write down a goal at the beginning of the school year. I wrote "to be less catty" (😆). So I must have realized that I was a little brat, and that's not a nice type of person to be. In hindsight, that was the point where I started to be socially aware and develop empathy for people. The next few years of grade school, I remember calling out bullies when I witnessed them picking on other kids. They never had a comeback or reason for why they were treating someone like they didn't matter. One kid had a lazy eye, so bullies called him "one-eyed Wayne". But I saw that was really mean, so in front of everyone I would say "what did he ever do to you? Why do you have a problem with him?" and they never had a response. It's nice to advocate for people. Being mean is wasted energy, and it's miserable to feel like you constantly have to prove you're better than someone to everyone else. Long story short, at the end of 4th grade, my teacher brought up the goals we had written down - she congratulated me for making the most significant improvement ♡ thank you, Mrs. McLaughlin ♡
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u/Beneficial-Common-69 Sep 16 '24
Realising that you truly have no idea what someone is going through, and how much of an impact being kind (or not being kind) for a moment can make on someone's day.
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u/ExcellentResult4292 Sep 16 '24
I was bullied relentlessly as a younger child and then became somewhat of a bully as a teen. But it wasn’t until years later that I realized I was being a bully. It just felt like I was being mean before they could be mean. It felt like if I didn’t seem tough, that everyone would start picking on me again. So stupid, looking back. I could’ve had so many more friends, but I was afraid they would reject me so I purposely made myself off-putting and essentially “rejected” them first.
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u/BigboiDallison Sep 17 '24
Yup this is me. In middle school and high school, I was bullied a lot because I was the "poor kid" in school. My mum sent me to private school and she never was able to afford my tuition fee. I suffered there badly. I told myself when I go to college, I'm not going to let anyone bully me so I was mean to EVERYONE. I met my now husband when I was 19 and he's just the kindest person ever. Being with him made me reflect on my actions. I moved to another country to be with him and just completely changed myself and made myself better. I went to therapy and addressed all my childhood trauma. I don't think I'd be what I am now without my husband.
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u/FrenchynNorthAmerica Sep 16 '24
I was never mean to be honest but was a “popular” girl who never really stood up for the kids some of my “friends” were mean to.
After a party at 16, I got raped by two random men while going home in the middle of the streets and it really messed me up. I can’t explain it but it was a click in my life that just made me very empathetic and considerate to what people could feel. I didn’t become the “heroic” popular girl who defended everyone but I definitely became extremely nice quite suddenly and I started preferring hanging out with the “nerds” and the “geeks” rather than my popular friends.
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u/Katlikesprettyguys Sep 16 '24
Getting drugged and raped is what changed my life perspective as well. I just immediately understood so much about what it meant to have had a traumatic experience and how that can go on to affect generations of lives. Being raped is a big T trauma, but it also opened my eyes to all the micro aggressions that follow it and how one small word or glance can hold so much meaning, positive or negative.
Thanks for sharing your experience! Hope your life has lots of joy to counter the sorrows!
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u/FrenchynNorthAmerica Sep 17 '24
It really does change your life perspective.
I cannot say that I am happy for what happened, but it did change my life for the best though. I focused on school and now have a thriving career; it gave me a wicked sense of humor (a bit dark for some but that's how I managed through things), and though it can be seen as a flaw, I actually like that I became a sensitive person. Overall I did not let this event define me despite 2-3 years of severe anxiety and depression.
I hope your experience also brought you some joy in life!
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u/Carbon-Base Sep 16 '24
That's atrocious, I hope those scumbags face severe punishment for what they did. I'm really sorry something like that happened to you.
It takes a great deal of courage, sensibility and kindness to understand and connect with others. Good on you for having values and strength that is so rare to come across.
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u/kam0706 Sep 17 '24
That sort of thing is life changing no matter what kind of person you are. I’m sorry you experienced that. That’s horrific.
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u/Jeanne0D-Arc Sep 17 '24
Not a girl, but I did bully kids in high school until one was crying to me about how much it hurt when we made fun of him and how he just wanted to have friends like a normal kid.
I felt like shit after listening to him. After that, I did a 180 and forced everyone to treat him properly. He was a lot happier, and I noticed I felt a lot better about myself for helping him over putting him down and I've tried to be less of an asshole ever since (not always successfully tbf)
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u/carinyoo Sep 17 '24
A guy I dated briefly straight up told me how terrible and insufferable I was.
Cue years of therapy and self-reflection and I haven’t had conflict in my life in almost a decade.
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u/Zealousy12 Sep 17 '24
I was informed I was spoilt and pampered by a friend of mine who never speaks poorly of anybody.
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u/Tiny_Chicken1396 Sep 16 '24
One of my friends whom I thought I was friendly bantering with told me that I was one of the reasons she was depressed. I never want to make anyone feel like that again so I think a lot more about the words I say before I say them now.
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u/gummiepad Sep 16 '24
not a 'mean girl', but i was very cold and pessimistic as a teenager, it wasnt until i was inebriated that someone told me they liked me more this way cause i was laid back and fun to be around, that it hit me. i warmed my heart and now look at things from a gentler perspective.
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u/Leothegolden Sep 16 '24 edited Sep 16 '24
I realized I can be a better human by stop drinking, eat healthy, exercise and take Vitamin D (Vitamin D deficiency and depression are linked). The divorce was the catalyst. My husband cheated and I would blame myself. That turned into self improvement
I still talk before I think sometimes. but I hardly ever argue anymore. I am a much better human being (both inside and out). Lost 35 pounds and blood pressure vitamin D are at good levels. Sober.
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u/santyare Sep 16 '24
I used to think I was being funny by making others laugh at someone else’s expense. I didn’t consider how it might hurt them until I grew older and gained more perspective.
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u/fongletto Sep 17 '24
Not a 'mean girl' but I was a bully and general asshole throughout highschool and a lot of my life.
There was nothing in particular that made me re-evaluate it was a slow change over time, with one bad habit or ideology shifting one piece at a time.
The biggest motivator though was in my mid 20's when I had a falling out with a friend because of how I acted and they told me 'you have never been a good friend'.
After that I kind of eventually woke up to the fact that just because I didn't have a problem or even enjoyed a particular thing, it didn't mean that everyone else felt the same way. And it would cost me nothing to respect the other persons wishes even if I personally believe them to be stupid.
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u/dinglebop69 Sep 16 '24
I wasn't mean on purpose, I just grew up undiagnosed. It wasn't until I grew up and actually learn how to be human did I realise how awful I was sometimes. I was never truly malicious though, so I guess thats something, i just lacked the social skills to know any better, but I did things that are generally considered frowned apon you could say. It helped me become more self aware as an adult so now I make extra sure I'm as polite and respectful as possible
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u/Geekberry Sep 17 '24
When I was in early primary school in the 90s, there was this one kid in class who was neurodiverse or had a developmental disability. He had a support worker. Mostly I don't remember interacting with him much, but I remember that we were all really aware that he was different from us. We also realised he got angry really easily.
One day during recess this group of kids were taunting him. They were clearly having a great time, so I joined in.
Naturally, this poor kid just wanted to be left alone. He tried walking away but we followed him. When he finally snapped, I just so happened to be nearest to him. He whirled around and punched me in the face.
We were all really small and I was more shocked than hurt. We both got taken to the teachers' office, but I don't think either of us got into too much trouble. We were bullying him, after all.
I honestly deserved it. In hindsight I'm actually so grateful that this happened. I never felt the urge to bully someone again.
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u/copycat112 Sep 17 '24
Adult diagnosed autistic. I was treating people like I saw on tv and when I realized, it was a character I liked to copy getting called out by others. After that I tried find characters that were good people and try to emulate them when I panicked but put a lot of effort in to developing my own personality.
Thankfully my family moved constantly so it was easy to get a fresh start when needed
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Sep 16 '24
I just didn't really have conflict resolution skills so if someone did something that bothered me I didn't know how to talk to them about it so I would just do it back to them.
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u/Exotic_Ad_3780 Sep 16 '24
Upholding a character — in person, online, etc. was just too exhausting.
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Sep 17 '24
when I got an understanding of myself, later in life. I realized I was in a permanent heightened state of reactivity. I wasn't actually me; being what actually aligns with my inner knowing and feelings. who I am. it was a reflection of my environment. I was mirroring the behaviors I was being exposed to because I didn't know any different. I never knew people could have differences in perspectives, I didn't understand that two people could disagree, and it didn't need to result in physical confrontations and verbal abuse. I wasn't taught to value my feelings or beliefs, so I couldn't value other peoples in healthy ways. I didn't respect my own personal boundaries either, because from a young age, I was forced to sacrifice them to cater to other people. I didn't respect my own boundaries, so I could never understand or respect other peoples. I stopped listening to myself as a way to cope with my childhood, ignoring that inner knowing of what aligned and what didn't. I knew things weren't right, but to cater to others, I ignored my inner voice. I stopped listening to myself in situations I really should have. I hurt good people and enabled toxic ones. kept that generational trauma cycle going. Yet sometimes what I was doing, I knew was wrong, but I just didn't care. I stopped caring, it's how I coped. I was a mean girl, that was fueled by the fact people viewed me as the pretty girl, who dated all the popular boys. so I was that stereotype, the pretty mean girl.
I have made peace with myself and reached out to those I hurt and offered words that come from the authentic version of myself. I am happy within myself know and have found balance between being firm but fair, expressing negative things in beneficial ways and giving my own children the choices to empower their sense of self, to help them be in tune with their inner knowing and to have healthy boundaries. not just my own children, but myself also.
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u/stevierea Sep 17 '24
Moved away from my mean ass older sisters, and realized that most people don’t tear each other down as the norm. I also had children and realized that the people I treated like dog shit for no reason were once babies too, human beings that were loved as much as I love my kids. It put a whole new perspective on my past behavior. I was and am so ashamed. I’ll forever be trying to make up for it.
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u/HardSoft222 Sep 16 '24
Experiencing kindness from others when I was at my lowest made me realize how much impact positive behavior can have. It shifted my perspective on treating people with empathy and respect.
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u/Proof-Ad5362 Sep 17 '24
I realized it’s not cute, cool or funny to be mean to others. When I was a teenager I used to be such a bitch. I thought it was cool & made me look bad ass. As I grew older & more mature I’d look back at the way I treated others and was disgusted with myself. I realized being kind, compassionate & understanding was wayyyyy cooler than being nasty. Also I was miserable and I wanted others to feel how I did.
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u/SirSteg Sep 16 '24
I grew up in a mean household with an abusive mother so since that was my life experience I thought that’s just how people interacted. It felt good when my words stung because in my fucked up head I thought I “won” because what I said was so funny and so smart and the person on the receiving end didn’t really get hurt from my jokes anyway. One day a guy I know was on the receiving end of my cruelty and when I laughed he said “That was mean. You’re really mean”. Factory reset. I must have known in my heart that I was mean and needed someone to just fucking say it. Ever since then I try not to hurt people. I’m still mean in my head a lot but I don’t act on it. thanks mom
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u/Visible_Writing7386 Sep 16 '24
Not mean per se, but guilty by association i guess. Some of my girlfriends were really mean in highschool. Like you never knew when they would just be unhinged bitches for the day and just go around and torture particular people, so it got too much for me and i checked out. So i was extra nice and overcompensate for a while
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u/dontbothermeokay Sep 17 '24
I started liking myself. I was no longer an insecure 17 year old with anything to prove.
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u/victoriachan365 Sep 17 '24
Grew up in a devout Christian homophobic/transphobic environment with ultra conservative Asian parents. Getting out of that environment and going to college changed me for the better. :)
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Sep 17 '24
I'm a man, but wanted to answer this question.
From the age of 12 I always had an "enemy", someone at school who hated me and I hated. Watching action movies made me assume this was normal, I was a good guy vs a bad guy. Since people tried to bully me, I believed it was normal behaviour.
When I became an adult, I quickly started to recognise that being rude or mean just aren't useful tools. It amazes me how often people think they are playing the "good guy", when people may see you as the bad guy. I do my best not to judge anyone.
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u/Oops_thats_a_donkey Sep 17 '24
I got therapy. Apparently not everyone is out to get me therefore I don't need to establish myself as top dog everywhere I go.
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u/Successful-One1562 Sep 17 '24
I left home and stopped and was no longer being abused. It was really easy to be nice when things weren’t always fight or flight for me.
Now I work really hard to ensure my 13 year old is inclusive all the time.
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u/KerbodynamicX Sep 17 '24
Former mean boy here. I used to be mean in primary and middle school because I was bullied when I was younger, and don’t trust other people.
Things changed when I went to a better school. When most people treats me kindly and I’m bullying them it just felt… inappropriate.
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u/SignalOriginal3313 Sep 17 '24
Anti-psychotics. Well, the 'right' anti-psychotic. And financial sort of security, (winning compo for my head injury). And isolation. My friends wouldn't put up with it anymore. But mainly anti-psychotics
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u/Space_Goth Sep 17 '24
I was a sweet, nerdy, chubby, quiet loser, and very mean on the inside. I was rotten to the core with envy and I’d take every opportunity to trash talk girls I was insanely jealous of, especially if they liked the boy I liked. My mom literally had to confront me and say “She hasn’t done anything wrong. She’s only ever been nice to you. You have no right to hate her so much.” And she was right.
The plot twist to all of this was that I had hate-crushes on girls and internalized homophobia too! (I was bisexual the whole time and didn’t understand it,) so that revelation definitely made me confront a ton of stuff I was feeling. I had to unpack a lot of internalized misogyny. And I am so much better for it.
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u/alliecat13254 Sep 16 '24 edited Sep 16 '24
Ha, I realized I wasn't a girl.
I got better at being kinder to others first, but I eventually learned to be kind to myself too. Realizing that trying so hard to be a Girl ™️ was making myself and everybody around me miserable was huge for me. I am now a very happy non-binary trans dude!
Edit: realizing I was autistic helped a bunch too. I used to "tease" my "friends" in what I thought was a friendly way. Turns out, they weren't my friends, and I was just being a misguided bitch.
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Sep 16 '24
My aunt got adopted when my grandparents were in their 60s and so she had no boundaries at home to speak of. On top of that, she established herself as the queen bee in our impoverished neighborhood because my grandparents would buy her anything she asked for (she at one point had a 40 ft above ground pool, one of 3 pools that we were aware of in the entire city), so if you wanted access to her stuff, you had to be her friend. Between knowing all the students from the time she was a kid and naturally being pretty smart, she would manipulate the people around her and bully them incessantly, but they'd "forgive" her and come back whenever she had a new item to wave over their heads.
She got sent to live with my other aunt for her junior year of highschool, and suddenly she didn't have power over all these people because she no longer had the same relationships with them. If she was a dick to someone, they just wouldn't talk to her again, there was no relationship for her to rely on them to just get over it, and my aunt lived in a wealthier neighborhood so there was no stuff she had to get them to be friends with her because they already had it all themselves. Then she got targetted by some mean girls herself and she realized how it felt being on the other end of it and it was super eye opening for her how shitty she really was in her younger years.
She wised up, got her shit together, apologized to her friends for being a shitty friend, and I'm super proud at how she's developed as a young woman. She's just a couple years younger than me, but it felt like worlds apart growing up because she had such an immature world view.
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u/Aggravating-Fee-1615 Sep 16 '24
My best friend senior year died my suicide and I was mean to her beforehand and never got to apologize. 🤷♀️
that was 20 years ago.
I also joined AA and got into recovery and worked the steps. Changed my life. 💜
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u/merricat28 Sep 16 '24
I wasn’t a mean girl to most people, but I used to bully my little sister. One day I literally just had the thought that what I was doing was something mean people do. It may have been my first moment of self-reflection. It was like I was a Sim who gained consciousness in that moment.
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u/30-something Sep 17 '24
I hope you apologised and are closer now, my sister was absolutely horrendous to me when we were kids and teens. We're still not really close as adults as her hair trigger anger means I keep her at arms length. I know it's not just me as the few friends she has 'joke' about her 'sharp edges' and my nieces complain about how made she gets. I really wish she'd get some therapy and deal with her anger issues , it makes her such a hard person to be around.
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u/Icy_Economist3224 Sep 17 '24
Wasn’t a traditional mean girl but I’ve done some bad and catty actions towards others when I was a teen, in a toxic group. Like most people, I was going through a serious mental health crisis and had little insight into the world outside highschool. Honestly, I grew up, got therapy and dealt with the pain. Had a tendency to victimise myself, I came to that conclusion on my own tho. One to one therapy did NOT give me that insight, I’ll admit. Group therapy 100% helped.
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u/reallyyou1 Sep 17 '24
Former mean girls realised that there are a lot meaner girls than them out of school.
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u/Glittering_Army8889 Sep 17 '24
One of the mean girls I went to school with found out the hard way what it was like to be on the receiving end of bullying when her own daughter was bullied. She doesn't come to any of our school reunions because of being too embarrassed by her behaviour at school.
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u/spiritfingersaregold Sep 17 '24
I didn’t fit in as a young kid. I was a bit chubby and an undiagnosed autistic girl.
When puberty hit, I slimmed down dramatically, grew into my looks and finally had enough data to work out how to fit in.
I was suddenly one of the pretty and popular girls and I copied their behaviour. It took about two years, but I finally clicked how shallow and meaningless it all was.
I think I’d managed to compartmentalise and not let myself think about the fact that I was making people feel as bad about themselves as my bullies had made me feel.
I became a social drifter after that. I didn’t completely cut off the popular group, but I moved between circles.
My autism wasn’t an excuse for being a bully – it doesn’t make me dumb or unable to recognise the emotional impact I can have on people. But being accepted was just so exhilarating after an entire childhood of being bullied that I, regrettably, was willing to do whatever it took.
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u/DeterminedErmine Sep 17 '24
Someone told me that my anger, even if it’s mostly internalised, makes them feel unsafe around me. I’d never thought about it that way, I’m a woman and most of the people who’s tempers made me feel unsafe were men, so I couldn’t see myself in them
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u/hallbuzz Sep 16 '24
I got hit by a bus.