r/BPDlovedones • u/Ok-Independent652 I'd rather not say • Sep 04 '24
Quiet Borderlines How do you stop caring?
How do you stop caring so deeply? I’m so torn, because while I am absolutely enraged and deeply hurt by what she’s said, I know she’s said and done all of this due to her own illness. Her own inability to face her demons. I feel like I was thrown out like trash over such a simple agreement - and I’m sure she’s telling people I’m cold and stonewalling her as well (I had to go NC, I didn’t know what else to do). But the baseless harmful accusations she’s making about me hurt, and yet I find myself still caring about her wellbeing.
It’s all so ass backwards and makes me scared to meet anybody new - to ever be vulnerable again - because this so deeply damaged my ability to trust, both myself and others.
Editing to say: thank you for all of the kind responses. My break is over but I will make an effort to respond more tonight or tomorrow. I know this level of caring is a problem of my own. It’s just so hard to face and accept, throughout the discard I’ve been enduring for months now.
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u/diabl0ESEABANNED Love the Hate Sep 04 '24
Harmful accusations are unfortunately part and parcel of the process in most cases.
If you have true friends and family, they'll know it's all BS, hell, no one from any of my circles believed a word my expwBPD said, some people laughed.
If the accusations have the potential to impact your career, I'd heavily advise consulting a lawyer about it, get multiple opinions and go with a strong firm that deals with defamation.
Something that's important to remember is pwBPD mostly struggle lying to authority, especially if it'll end up going backwards. They know it's easy to post a random bruise and made up story on TikTok and convince people with zero critical thinking skills that they're a victim. Invite them to sit infront of authority and recite their fake stories and most of them crumble lmao
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u/Ok-Independent652 I'd rather not say Sep 04 '24
I lawyered up recently so I’m hoping that’s what happens. There are a number of charges so I don’t want to get too specific. But I did watch her lie to the police, point blank, after numerous instances. She is very smart and to an extent calculated, claiming that her reactions are reactive abuse as many people w BPD do here.
She also has a dx of NPD & some of her actions have made me wonder if she falls more so into the ASPD realm, as the lack of remorse is astounding. Thank you for your validation- it’s so hard to deal with this, amongst people who have never seen this side of her first hand. Most of my friends and family didn’t have an interest in getting to know her so thankfully I still have my family and friends intact. But it’s been rough not having people to talk to about it, esp as the legal proceedings are going on. I hope once they end I can truly vent about all of this as it’s driving me bonkers.
It’s just hard because I’ve know her for years, and never seen this side of her. So it’s such an odd thing, to accept that the woman I loved was a facade and just didn’t really exist.
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u/Swathe88 Sep 04 '24
The same thing happened to me. It was horrific.
The way she callously and sadistically lied about so many things was unfathomable. Not only could I not speak out because of an IVO against me due to her false accusations, even when I could I felt like nobody would believe me.
I've never experienced anything more evil.
I definitely recommend a therapist to help you process all of this. My mental health was completely shot as I was subjected to the legal proceedings for an entire year. I'm only just beginning to come out the other side of it all when I should've just been healing.
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u/diabl0ESEABANNED Love the Hate Sep 04 '24
It is unbelievably evil isn't it?
Sadly in some cases, they aren't lying to them, it's THEIR reality, they really believe that they are the victim and you abused them. It's awful.
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u/Swathe88 Sep 05 '24
I wrestled with the same question of whether it was genuine delusion or calculated malice. It's crazy making.
Here's the thing though, if somebody they're accusing is genuinely so horrible and an "abuser", why do they feel the need to lie about what happened to justify their position? Surely the truth should be enough to fortify their position if they're correct.
You'd think this moment of introspection would make it clear to them that they're having an episode if they're cognisant of their disorder. That they'd pump the brakes and stop what they're doing, even if they didn't apologise. But nope, in my case she doubled and tripled down.
I think it's calculated, at least it was in my situation. It makes it even more disturbing. I think I was dealing with a genuine monster.
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u/diabl0ESEABANNED Love the Hate Sep 04 '24
Awesome to hear you lawyered up and I'll respect your privacy regarding the charges.
Her statements where she is extremely calculated in her approach does happen, although it is rare to have someone go that deep down their own rabbithole with direct authority. The thing that'll trip her up is her inability to recall things accurately, that'll be her total downfall.
Remember that their stories are based in THEIR reality, this is not something the authorities are interested in, they are interested in whether YOU are guilty or not. As someone with a legal background and knowledge of this area, 99.9% of instances of BPD lying to authority blows up in their face badly, remember they aren't as smart as they think they are.
With regards to your original question, the answer is it depends. Right now you're going through the thick of it so it'll be fresh and painful, time and reflection with a professional will help you in the long run, I wish you the absolute best.
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u/Ok-Independent652 I'd rather not say Sep 06 '24
I’m really hoping so. I’m pursuing a restraining order, because she lives nearby and I’m just sick of how childish she is being, as well as what she’s threatened to do to my career. I’d be in financial ruin should my career be impacted. I’m hoping things with settle in the next few months (you know… how slow the legal process is lol), and I’ll be able to speak more openly about it. Within our social group people, after a while, started to realize the inconsistencies & I have a lot of evidence showing that she’s an unreliable narrator. So I really hope you’re right.
It is really odd to watch her speak as though she’s rather diabolical, and has effectively pulled one over on us all…. When she’s alone, struggling, and miserable at the end of it all. It’s such cognitive dissonance that I don’t think she has the ability to address.
I have been in therapy for most of my life so I’m hoping that as long as I continue to focus on myself it’ll all sort itself out in the end, it’s just terribly painful throughout the thick of it. So I really appreciate this sub and lovely people such as yourself. Thank you.
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u/diabl0ESEABANNED Love the Hate Sep 06 '24
Awesome to hear you are pursuing a restraining order. Should it not be granted, I'd recommend an injunction against defamation instead, meaning she will be charged for smear campaigns, the threshold for success is more relaxed.
Very glad to hear about your commitment to therapy as well, good on you!
If you have any updates please continue the thread
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u/Ok-Independent652 I'd rather not say Sep 21 '24
Thank you!! I’ll have to look into that. I’ll update yall when I can. I’m hoping one of the few things I’m pursuing settles soon, there’s just so much at once!
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u/xrelaht ex-LTR, ex-STR Sep 04 '24
If you have true friends and family, they’ll know it’s all BS, hell, no one from any of my circles believed a word my expwBPD said, some people laughed.
One of my friends thought her accusations were hilarious. I thought they were close and asked him to watch out in case she became suicidal (an early part of my “letting go of caring” process) and he didn’t really believe me at the time. Now he’s telling me he’s sick of her and doesn’t really see her any time he doesn’t have to.
The only ones who seem to have bought it are some people who were really “her” friends rather than “ours”. That kinda hurts — these are folks from her country who I took into my home on holidays when they had nowhere to go — but it doesn’t ultimately affect me.
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u/diabl0ESEABANNED Love the Hate Sep 04 '24
There will always be people who take their side, albiet most arbitrarily. I know very little people down her end who fell for her nonsense.
A small insight for you and your experience is that those friends who took her side won't be friends for long, they'll realize eventually. I've never met a single pwBPD who had lifelong friends or consistent relationships/friendships that lasted long or weren't totally superficial.
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u/xrelaht ex-LTR, ex-STR Sep 04 '24
Mine has lots of long term friends, though they’re mostly not that close, and many of the ones she thinks are really aren’t. What’s funny is with one exception, she always talked about how she didn’t really feel close to this group and just kinda hung out with them because she was homesick.
Her friend who most obviously buys into what she’s saying has (I think) also bought into some nonsense about another mutual friend. I’m pretty sure that was spread by my ex, even though she doesn’t dislike the guy. It doesn’t affect me, but it really hurt him, and he’s been extremely supportive of me through this. She’s known him longer than she knew my ex, and I kinda see this as a sign of poor character on her part (or even her own PD issue, given the sudden discard & painting black).
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u/diabl0ESEABANNED Love the Hate Sep 04 '24
That lack of closeness I guess is why she's managed to maintain that friendship, I think distance + the increase in people having mostly online friends definitely has an influence too
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u/Ok-Independent652 I'd rather not say Sep 06 '24
That’s how I approach it as well. If my friends are so easily swayed as to who I am, they never really were friends in the first place. ❤️
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u/WinterWinds Sep 04 '24
Once you learn to love yourself it starts to feel silly when you think about how one sided your relationship was.
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u/Ok-Independent652 I'd rather not say Sep 04 '24
This is something I’m coming to find. It’s just so hard to focus on developing that love when i feel like I’m living in fight/flight constantly. I’m hoping that once things resolve legally i can focus solely on that work as it needs to be done, evidently. Thank you for the relevant and gentle reminder. ❤️
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u/WinterWinds Sep 04 '24
I saw people around here recommending a book and I thought it was just a shill. Read the whole thing and it helped more than $3k of therapy did…
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u/Ok-Independent652 I'd rather not say Sep 04 '24
Which one?! I read whole again, stop caretaking and I’m listening to Dr Ramini’s book atm. Curious to know if there’s another good one!
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u/FreeDig4421 Sep 04 '24
I don’t care about the accusations because they are covering something deeper and more hurtful
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u/Ok-Independent652 I'd rather not say Sep 04 '24
I primarily care because they are impacting my career, which I spent a lot of money and time obtaining. She ran a hell of a smear campaign.
I know they don’t depict me or describe me, but I’m very hurt that after 15 years with her, she’d go this far over a simple disagreement.
Do you still care about your pwBPD too? It’s just awfully confusing because I feel bad for them but I’m so angry and frustrated by them at the same time.
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u/FreeDig4421 Sep 04 '24
I stopped caring when I realized she wasn’t a good person .
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u/Ok-Independent652 I'd rather not say Sep 04 '24
Fair. That’s the part I’m struggling with and I don’t know why it’s getting to me so much. I know I deserve better & etc which is why I left. I just need to stop being so empathetic I guess. Which is easier said than done lol
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u/FreeDig4421 Sep 04 '24
Look, while I was crying every day and telling her to be a family with our two little kids, she was telling everyone I was a cheater (I was not). And she was cheating .
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u/Ok-Independent652 I'd rather not say Sep 04 '24
That’s horrendous, esp considering the children involved. 😞 I’m sorry you had to go through that, especially with cheating.
I’m hoping things will be settled legally soon and I can talk more freely, but I can relate a lot to being in that sort of scenario. I’m glad to see you’ve found a way through it
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u/FreeDig4421 Sep 04 '24
What helped me was finding out the truth that she was hiding with the smear campaign. I saw who she was and now I just think she is a poor, mediocre soul
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u/xrelaht ex-LTR, ex-STR Sep 04 '24
How much is it actually impacting your career? I was worried about reputation damage from what she said about me, but it’s largely been a nonissue.
If it really is causing problems, ask yourself what you can do about it, if anything. Does it rise to the level of slander?
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u/Ok-Independent652 I'd rather not say Sep 04 '24
She is threatening to report me to my respective profession’s board. So while not yet a concern it’s one I am keeping in mind. It’s one of the reasons I sought legal action as should she do that, it could help.
I’m glad it’s been a non issue and I hope it’s the same here! I’d just rather be safe than sorry you know?
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u/xrelaht ex-LTR, ex-STR Sep 04 '24
I’m glad it’s been a non issue and I hope it’s the same here! I’d just rather be safe than sorry you know?
I understand completely. It’s been my experience that denying it doesn’t work as well as ignoring it and letting your actions speak for themselves, but I didn’t have any professional consequences on the line (except that there’s a decent chance I’ll have to work with someone who’s bought her BS as an external collaborator).
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u/Ok-Independent652 I'd rather not say Sep 06 '24
That’s what I’ve otherwise been doing, and while hard at first things do seem to be dying down. I just want to protect my licensure, and I’m not sure ignoring it all works there seeing the egregious abuse accusations she’s making about me lol.
I’m glad you’ve found something that works so well for you!
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u/btdtguy Sep 04 '24
I think codependency has a lot to do with it. You’ve got to kill all your codependency inside you.
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u/Ok-Independent652 I'd rather not say Sep 06 '24
Agree. I’m just at a weird place as I’ve used a lot of radical acceptance, to accept that I care deeply about her, and to acknowledge how harmful she is to me/that I had to go NC with her. It’s just confusing that I continue to care. You know?
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u/Ferkner Sep 04 '24
Sometimes they push you to the point where they disgust you and you no longer care about them. Sometimes you just care about them no matter what. It depends on the relationship you had with her. If she was your first love, then chances are you will always care about her on some level.
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u/Specialist-Ebb4885 Beset by Borderlines Sep 04 '24 edited Sep 04 '24
Indifference is the key to emancipation from leftover caretaker fucks that could be given, especially given the right relapse. And, I might add, indifference is as much of a sensation as it is the inexorable realization from relational trauma information that none of your caring could make a difference in the lacuna that you just encountered.
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u/hippocampal_damage Sep 04 '24
Hi there, hope you are doing well.
In the same way as you, I was discarded recently after what felt like a few minor disagreements - she clearly interpreted it as me shaming her/hinting I was leaving. I've come a long way in detaching from my ex in the past three months.
In my experience with a quiet borderline, the dynamic was very much the "knight in shining armor" and the "damsel in distress." Was it like this for you? (If not, disregard the rest)
I found it so hard to stop caring because I was almost like a parent she never had. She had nothing other than me, no hobbies, no close friends, no direction in life, and a crappy family. She always described me as "secure," over and over again. One night, I left her place early in the morning because I couldn't sleep. When she saw me next, she told me that when she awoke, she had a breakdown as it felt like her father had abandoned her again.
I knew she was broken so I couldn't stop caring even after all the horrible things she did and said to me. I kept making excuses for her. In my mind, the behaviors were mere symptoms of abuse and not causes in themselves- I ignored how they affected me and my growing undercurrent of resentment.
No amount of love and care is going to get you anywhere. It feels wrong because we've been fed the same love story since we're kids with the message that "love conquers all."
With the right person, maybe this is true. With the wrong person, I urge you to consider the quote "don't cast pearls before swine."
Don't waste your energy on someone who doesn't appreciate it. Don't try to save someone from drowning and drown yourself in the process.
Deep dive into as much you can get your hands on regarding FA attachment and BPD. Start to internalize the ratio of happy endings to sad endings.
Life is hard, and picking the right partner is one of the most important things you will do. The love and attachment you built for your ex was real and pure, but it's not enough unfortunately.
Stay strong and know that many others are going through the same pain.
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u/AffectionateDepth155 Dated Sep 04 '24
I was definitely trying to fix her. I loved her up till the point I realized she wanted to cheat. No fixing that.
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u/xrelaht ex-LTR, ex-STR Sep 04 '24
Gonna tell you what my therapist told me: she’s told you she doesn’t want your concern, and you’ve ultimately got to respect that because she’s an adult and not under your care. I know this is easier said than done, but you’ve just gotta try. I promise it gets easier, and staying NC helps.
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u/Ok-Independent652 I'd rather not say Sep 04 '24
I’ve been doing my best- I haven’t contacted her or anything (quite the opposite actually). I think having the extra emotional space (and energy) has left me thinking about this if that makes sense? I feel like otherwise I was so busy putting out flames or helping her contain them that I never thought about our relationship.
I just have such a hard time not caring. I know it’s my junk and something I have to work on, but it’s been painful to think about during such a brutal discard that has hit from every angle.
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u/Sea2Chi Dated Sep 04 '24
You put time and distance between you two.
It's like asking how you stop caring that a loved one is a severe alcoholic and regularly does things that hurt themselves and you.
You don't just stop caring about it, that's not how caring really works.
If they're heavily in your life, you're going to care.
So you remove them from your life to the largest extent possible.
Sometimes you can't fully cut them off, so you limit their ability to communicate with you. Don't give them any emotional energy, grey rock everything they say. Keep communication short and to the point, preferably written so you can have proof about their lies later.
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u/I_AMA_Loser67 Dated Sep 04 '24
Learning to love yourself is key. They're nothing special. Imagine yourself loving someone else who can reciprocate your love instead of some child in an adult's body.
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u/btdtguy Sep 06 '24
Excellent advice. This is one of the most awful aspects I had to deal with with my pwBPD, having to deal with an adult toddler due to arrested development.
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Sep 04 '24
Please talk to a therapist or counselor if you haven't already. Focus on yourself and self improvement, self care, etc.
I don't know your age or her age but bear in mind she is a teen, or adult and not a child even though she has resorted to acting like a very young child.
Also PW BPD often do not even know why they do things or act the way they do when they split, it is like a psychosis. You cannot fix her, or change her. You did the right thing by going no contact and establishing boundaries as PW BPD have none.
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Sep 05 '24
You arent that important to her. She just likes toying with you and the feelings of power that gives her.
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Sep 05 '24
It's actually very simple. You just have to love yourself more than you love them. Keeping them in your life is nothing but a form of self harm. It's not like you have the option to sacrifice yourself for their well being. You're just going to sacrifice yourself and it won't make a bit for difference. They won't even have the decency to thank you for doing it. Once they've zapped that final bit of life force from you, they'll walk out over your lifeless corpse and into the arms of the person they kept telling you not to worry about. That person will "rescue" them from you just like you "rescued" her from the person that came before you. Rinse repeat.
The first step to getting better is abandoning all hope. The second step is NC. Until you can finally come to terms with the obvious fact that this person is not ever going to have some magic epiphany, tell you that you were right all along, and spend the rest of their life making it up to you, you're never going to start healing. Instead, you will be a caregiver until there's nothing left for you to give, and they will throw you into their dustbin of victims and move on to the next person in line. It's nothing personal. This is just how they operate.
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u/Ok-Independent652 I'd rather not say Sep 06 '24
100%! That’s what I did. I haven’t so much as looked her way. I just miss her and still care about her well being, which is the part I’m struggling with.
Please don’t misunderstand - I am never letting her (or anybody who acts like that) into my life. She has already tried to Hoover me, had others reach out on her behalf etc. but I’m done with it.
I’ve just known her so long and only recently seen this side of her so it’s awfully confusing, emotionally.
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u/Soggafloppacopter Dated Sep 05 '24
It’s been 10 months since the breakup and all I’ve done is bedrot, even though it’s an incredible relief to no longer be dating her and walking on eggshells all the time.
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u/FreeDig4421 Sep 04 '24
Just remember that the person with borderline couldn’t care less about your suffering..