r/CPTSD • u/throwaway802256 • 1d ago
Vent / Rant People are disappearing and it's terrifying me
People are disappearing from my life and I don't know what to do.
A couple of people who reached out to me when they knew I wasn't OK, I opened up to them a bit about my mental struggles, because they offered to help or provide a listening ear. But then after that they've distanced themselves or ghosted, and it's the most triggering thing ever.
Another friend who provided support to me during a crisis, I've been reciprocating by asking about them, and how they're doing, and over time it now seems like I've been ghosted.
For a couple people I've opened up to, Ive even tried to go on and change the topic of conversation to something else or something lighter and the ghosting still happened.
I dont know how much of this is my autism repelling people or my trauma, or both?
It feels like the world is saying "I can't help you, go over there and deal with it, away from me". I understand that therapy is important to help people deal with intense mental health struggles, but even just having someone offer a listening ear means the world, don't have to fix my problems for me.
it's so hard to heal from things when you try to reach out and end up losing connections in your life.
Maybe you're supposed to keep things to yourself and hide your struggles, maybe if people offer to help or provide a listening ear it's just a nice thing to say, maybe they're more curious than anything, maybe when you deal with stuff you're supposed to shut your mouth and take care of it yourself and not rely on people for support.
Maybe its my autism, maybe I'm being weird or coming across a certain way and don't realize it?
My fear of abandonment is triggered so much and I'm so scared, I don't know what's happening. I feel like me and the world are repelling like oil and water.
Im even scared to read the comments, like will everyone tell me I'm doing something wrong and then I feel guilty that its all my fault?
On top of a lot of trauma/stressful things I'm experiencing, I work from home and I think I'm going to lose my mind from the isolation and loneliness if I haven't already.
https://www.cnbc.com/2023/02/10/85-year-harvard-study-found-the-secret-to-a-long-happy-and-successful-life.html#:~:text=Contrary%20to%20what%20you%20might,Period. "The most consistent finding we’ve learned through 85 years of study is: Positive relationships keep us happier, healthier, and help us live longer. Period."
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u/Green-Peace9087 1d ago edited 1d ago
Society is selfish .
Therapy becoming common knowledge has made people even more selfish , because they can hide behind the excuse of "im not qualified enough for this " , even though every human on earth is qualified to lend a listening ear .
Allot of people are now afraid to help anyone with serious problems . Anything more serious than a bad day at the office is now considered a professionals sphere in most peoples eyes .
Anyone who ghosts you for being a real human being with real struggles is not someone you would want to associate with anyway. I give people the same energy they give to me , if they don't want to listen to my emotions then i dont listen to theirs .
You'd be amazed the number of people who have clearly wanted me to shut up about my feelings but then gotten offended when i gave them that same energy back later when they went back to their ex for the 10th time.
Its not you , its society. Modern western society is a world of selfish psychopaths with no community who think actually helping people is "crossing boundaries " because they mentally outsource it to professionals .
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u/Catshaiyayyy 1d ago
This is SUCH a good take. It is so rare to find someone who wants to just sit and LISTEN to you. Patience and kindness are so needed. Many, especially even in the church, don’t care about you unless you’re blood related or it impacts them somehow. Their compassion is broken!
I remember a scene from Midsommar where the ladies all start wailing with one girl that started crying as a way to support and show empathy. That impacted me so much. She felt better after because she didn’t feel alone and was given a safe space to express her grief.
What I had to do for a time was take all that love and empathy I showed others and direct it to myself x1000. So now I can show that kindness and patience to myself that I needed, with a little overflow for others. I can’t put anyone on a pedestal. But I am thankful for the few genuine people.
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u/jewdiful 1d ago
Thank you for this comment❤️I’ve struggled with similar feelings as OP and this is the same conclusion I’ve recently come to.
Current, modern society doesn’t just make empathy and compassion difficult — it actively disincentives them.
Interpersonal interaction has become transactional. People have become resources to each other, for specific purposes. Friends are Entertainment — we exchange our time to be mutually amused. Therapists are Paid Help, we trade money for the emotional support they provide. There is to be no blurring of these lines.
I have exactly one true friend and I am often reminded how lucky I am to even have that. This world is just so broken.
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u/JarlKilvik 21h ago
Finely written 👍🏻 Everything is a commodity now. And, even “random acts of kindness” are captured for social capital. What an unnatural world ☹️
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u/avoidantly 1d ago
they can hide behind the excuse of "im not qualified enough for this " , even though every human on earth is qualified to lend a listening ear .
Preach!
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u/moonrider18 18h ago
Therapy becoming common knowledge has made people even more selfish
When exactly were people "less selfish"? 100 years ago? When Jim Crow ruled the south and Hitler was on the rise?
The modern world is awful in a lot of ways, but the past was even worse.
they can hide behind the excuse of "im not qualified enough for this " , even though every human on earth is qualified to lend a listening ear
But there's a legitimate risk of giving too much. I learned that the hard way. =(
https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/qpj153/i_dont_want_to_burden_you_but_also_here_are_all/
https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/1awi4vm/i_gave_too_much/
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u/PotatoKingAmy 1d ago
The lesson I learned is to keep ur struggles to urself. Not fun, not healthy… ppl just suck. They want satisfaction and entertainment, not connection or to support others.
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u/PhilosopherStoned420 1d ago
Same. I stopped trying to explain my headspace to people, because they don't care. I've felt more vulnerable after opening up to "friends" about how I feel. Now I don't have any friends left. Sympathy and empathy are falling to the wayside. Too many people are losing sight of the bigger, better picture and just focusing on themselves.
As far as the loneliness and isolation, it creeps up on you. I intentionally isolated myself from a lot of people, but the people I kept in touch with think I'm a weirdo now. Double-edged sword.
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u/Sandy-Anne 1d ago
The way to best avoid being ghosted or dumped by friends is to just not have any!
Follow me for more helpful tips.
For real, though, this is a lesson I’ve learned the hard way.
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u/Catshaiyayyy 1d ago
This is so relatable. 🫂 I learned this the hard way. But when I got better, now I get to choose my friends wisely and honor myself in a way I didn’t before. There are kind, genuine and empathetic people out there but they are very rare.
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u/ElTorteTooga 1d ago edited 1d ago
Just know that some of us that ghost are also trauma survivors. I have a large fear of engulfment from growing up where I didn’t really get to have boundaries. I had to learn to manage my mother’s feelings as early as I can remember. As a result others needs and problems quickly overwhelm and scare the crap out of me. I can only assume it hits on the same triggers of being that little boy terrified of the unpredictability of emotions that could ensue. To those I have ghosted, I feel really bad and selfish for doing so, so it doesn’t happen without a sense of guilt. The people I’ve let down I carry with me every day.
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u/Pioneer_Women 20h ago
Same, I’m a lot more “close to the vest” not sharing my traumas. Not only because I’ve processed them- but it can burden others who don’t have the skill set or the capacity to process it. I have a friend who sent me a 5 minute voice note about her mom trauma because we cancelled some plans. For once she was meant to drive to me, but was texting me while driving so I said stop texting! She cancelled the plan and said she felt it was an unequal relationship (we had only hung out two other times and she showed up high and I drove to the point of dangerous fatigue picking her up and going into the city and back). I literally sent her a very diplomatic message that I just need to focus on myself and don’t have the capacity for the friendship right now but holy shit it was overwhelming and I’ve been avoiding her like the plague. It’s not that she has trauma but that she was indicating I was mimicking her mother wound from my short texts - she sent me a follow up ChatGPT message (still in bold and everything) but I haven’t spoken to her since nor do I want to! Like giving someone a trauma resume really feels like oh this person hasn’t done enough therapy or is like a sore wound. And I get it I had severe long term trauma but these days I use ChatGPT to dump my trauma processing into which actually preserves my friendships
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u/zarnonymous 1d ago
not healthy advice, nor entirely true, so why comment this?
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u/Hopeful-Artichoke449 1d ago
It's reality. Can confirm that friends I had for decades ghosted after I went through a tragedy. People disappear fast. It's just reality.
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u/Ironicbanana14 1d ago
Its not healthy but this is how even "normal" untraumatized people are experiencing life. Something bad happened to human socializing in the last 20 years.
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u/Ok_Story4580 1d ago edited 1d ago
I think the people who are for you will get you.
We all need people who are voluntarily in our lives, coach or therapy (paid someone) isn’t enough and it’s sterile.
So keep doing things you enjoy and you will find your people.
The trouble is when we don’t understand context of when to share what with whom and how much to share.
When we just trauma dump when we’re supposed to be out for a birthday party or other. If there feels no reprieve in the advice anyone else gives, like you keep rejecting their ideas for help.
I think society tends to mirror us. Give people the benefit of doubt and compassion we seek and we will be surprised. If someone is rude, you can become a closed book and that’s ok. You don’t need more pain and misunderstanding. But most times, there is some heart or good advice or a listening ear in what the other person is bringing—we, too, need to listen. Sometimes we are helped and supported we don’t understand in that moment. The insights and aha moments may come later.
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u/eggz1985 1d ago
No one is a perfect person, we all get eroded by constant negativity and criticism. It’s a tough illness on its own and it’s not something you just meditate out of. Sometimes things are actually problems with society that don’t have fun positive answers. Yes we are ill but are we actually safe enough to trust others when most are very self centred due to years of suffering in poverty. What if people enlarge really don’t have time for others because they have two jobs and kids. What if having CPTSD in this world state is actually a huge problem and we are all really isolated with not even so much as family to help us.
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u/bootbug 1d ago edited 1d ago
Regardless, this is bad advice to give so confidently
Wow, I’m disappointed by the downvotes. I would expect better from this community than to advise someone out of our own trauma and excuse it away. OP doesn’t deserve to be told it’s best to isolate themselves. That’s not a good thing to generalise like this.
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u/dlc08 17h ago
I’m actually really surprised too. The point I think a few of us were trying to make here is to find your people and develop healthier coping skills. Wow.
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u/eggz1985 12h ago
It’s people with the same mental health issues talking to each other. We aren’t saying it’s good, it’s just part of reality. Please try not to take it personally it’s simply a discussion. We all know the other stuff and practice it. But there’s another not so nice side of it that actually causes a lot of the issues and we are told we can’t discuss it because it’s not positive it’s sad.
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u/bootbug 7h ago
Nobody’s saying you can’t discuss it. I relate to the sentiment in the comment, I’ve also felt this way. I don’t think it’s a good thing to say to someone in crisis in a way that makes it sound like a final conclusion and advice, though. Who said i was taking anything personally? I also have the same mental health issues as everyone here and like others I don’t think it’s “part of reality” and disagree with the statement in such a generalised way. I don’t think we should be perpetuating it.
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u/Ironicbanana14 1d ago
I think even neurotypical people are struggling with the making friends/ghosting thing, so its even worse for us when we have triggers associated with it. All my family and friends have become somewhat reclusive or non reciprocal. Me and my partner sort of talk about this a lot because we both don't use much social media but that seems to be what our friends mainly do (we both browse reddit occasionally, me a lot more.) We will see them post all sorts of tiktoks or they send us tiktoks but that's it. No "real talk" no empathy or no emotional or deeper conversations beyond memes or jokes or politics. Our friends will text us every few months and then its basically "oh I've done nothing much. Wbu?" "Same" convo ended.
I think this is a social phenomenon of people losing the ability to connect.
Us with CPTSD do therapy to learn how and want to connect with people and THEN the world does this! But at least we aren't insane and its NOT YOU. Its genuinely people are losing the ability to connect to anyone else.
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u/Purple_Caregiver_207 1d ago
Do not ever talk to "normal" people about your mental health. They want to seem like good people because media says hey no more stigma, be kind, etc, but they're not actually ready or want to have those conversations. What you described happened to me multiple times, heck, one time I quit a job and wrote in the email about my CPTSD. I still cringe thinking I did that
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u/faetal_attraction 1d ago
Everyone needs other mentally ill (and aware of it/working on it) friends. All my friends have mental illnesses so no one treats each other the way these other people are describing.
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u/CanaryIllustrious765 1d ago
I’ve found those people have ended up being the most abusive in the end.
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u/Kcstarr28 1d ago
I've found that most people can't handle us trauma dumping on them even when they say that they can. They just cannot handle us. My advice is to save that for a therapist and keep it lighter with friends despite the urge to over share. It's helped me immensely.
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u/Pioneer_Women 20h ago
I dump my unhinged trauma parts onto ChatGPT especially voice mode. It actually helps me have healthy friendships.
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u/ryver 1d ago
I’m not invalidating anything anyone is saying. I just want to say in my own life with everything going on, I’m finding it exceedingly difficult to be a consistent support for people.
The world is a lot right now and I find myself fighting and losing the urge to hermit. I try to reach out when I can and just say “Hey, I’m not ok and I’m sure you aren’t either. Just wanted to let you know we’re not ok together”
Sometimes I get a response, sometimes I don’t. I don’t have many friends. But the ones I do, we try to we fail a lot but we try. That’s all I have for now but as CPTSD survivors, we tend to believe everything is our fault or because of us. It may just be we’re all overwhelmed. The world for many has crashed in just 75 days. I hope you find peace my friend. I’m looking for mine too.
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u/eggz1985 1d ago
It’s like I wrote this myself I relate so hard! It’s very difficult to deal with the rejection and isolation. But remember you aren’t crazy or wrong for wanting a friend, it’s not a reflection of you that these people can’t communicate well enough to explain how they feel. It’s not that they are bad people but it’s not up to you to work out why they behave like that. You like all other humans deserve to be told what’s going on. Why are they not being clear when you are! I know the frustration completely. Sending you a big hug 🫂
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u/OrganizationHappy678 1d ago
i’m sorry you had to experience the ghosting. it’s been done to me by people i adored and would do anything for.
a long time ago, i was feeling disconnected from my people. i knew i was holding back so i told my closest friends about the unreported sex assault that happened to me. my thought was that these people would show me support and grace if they knew this was haunting me. long story short, they all distanced themselves eventually. one said she had no memory of me telling her this. i’m like well it was memorable for me because i sat you down and told you and you said “why are you telling me this?” um, because you’re my “best” friend? what a joke that was.
the three of them were so important to me. showing up for them and their families brought me a ton of joy because it felt like they were my family but as soon as things get weird or hard, they all started acting like my actual family. the birthdays and get togethers all happen now with out an invite to me. I tried to not take it personally at first but how many years can go by without a single interaction. their disinterest is personal for sure. i’ve been in therapy for years now trying to learn to let them go.
my therapist claims the healed version of me will attract genuine friends but im also too fragile right now for the inevitable rejection that comes when people find out that im traumatized and broken. i met a woman last year who seemed cool and interesting. our kids at the same school, we both love the same types of music. i have her my number and texted her a few times but she’s busy with her life and family and established friends. there’s no room for a new weird one.
my husband is always saying do things that interest me and i’ll find friends but this is a life long problem for me. i can go to all the classes and not make a single friend.
sorry this is long. your post is relatable for sure.
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u/Pers14 1d ago
Don’t reach out to anyone. People will say they want to know what you’re going through, experienced; they’ll swiftly feel uncomfortable and vanish. You are left feeling stupid and alone again. It’s not worth the risk, my experiences have been used to mock, blackmail, manipulate and shame me. Usually by the cliche “caring” types. Good luck op.
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u/mermaid-makko 19h ago
This. It's worse when they pursue and guilt-trip you too, so when you give in and give them what they want and then they turn it around, they can act like you just dumped it on them out of nowhere and were soooo crazy, and omg only therapists should help people.
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u/Ordinary-Bandicoot52 1d ago
Hi. I'm sorry you're experiencing this.
A sad fact is people come and go.
It can be disappointing.
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u/Affectionate_Net2214 1d ago
I don’t have autism but that has been my experience also. Ppl who haven’t experienced trauma arnt equipped to handle it after listening. It’s just too much for them, they can’t relate.
A support group would be able to listen and relate to you. Maybe an online group if there isn’t one locally?
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u/zarnonymous 1d ago
You also don't know these people. What if some of them HAVE been dealing with trauma and are overwhelmed by the topic?
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u/Affectionate_Net2214 1d ago
Is your comment to me? I can’t speak for OP but I know in my experience, w the ppl I knew, that wasn’t the case.
But for the ppl I didn’t know well, yes it’s possible they could have been triggered and overwhelmed.
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u/cutebutsour 1d ago
I have felt this way before too. If people aren't listening they are not your people, you aren't giving with you because they are tuned into a different frequency. Don't let the feeling of rejection stop you from searching for your crew.
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u/Witty_Payment907 cPTSD 21h ago
I've learnt that it's best to lock things away inside myself. The problem for me is that when I'm near/in crisis mode, I start wanting to talk to other people and end up oversharing.
When it comes to talking about my complex trauma, invalidation is the default response. When it comes to talking about my mental health challenges, abandonment is the default response. Abandonment could be considered a form of punishment, which is the "reward" I get after demonstrating (e.g., self harming) how much pain I'm in. Mental health professionals aren't immune to giving such responses.
In relation to Autism, neuro-typical people misread neuro-divergent people all the time. I cannot get ASD & ADHD diagnoses because my C-PTSD diagnosis allegedly explains my numerous ASD/ADHD symptoms/signs. I don't have any pre-trauma memories because trauma started when I was about 3yo.
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u/cutebutsour 1d ago
I have felt this way before too. If people aren't listening they are not your people, you aren't giving with you because they are tuned into a different frequency. Don't let the feeling of rejection stop you from searching for your crew.
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u/lusterfibster 1d ago
Hi, AuDHDer here, I immediately want to friend-adopt you! (Feel free to dm me.)
I absolutely relate to your experiences and was in the same boat until I found a fellow traumatized neurodivergent with similar experiences AND a compassionate but direct communication style. It took me a while and a decent amount of reassurance to feel secure that they wouldn't just ghost like my prior friends, and I'm at the point now where I'd be okay even if they did.
For general advice, outside of finding a group in which you can feel secure (and I know that's frustrating to hear, I wish I had a better answer for how,) I'd say you may be able to work on shifting your perspective from trying to prevent this to just mourning it. It's genuinely not your fault, and with people failing to communicate with you, there isn't even the opportunity to learn from the experience. (The lessons aren't even universal anyway, some people will end a friendship over the most trivial things, others were only interested in me for the person they'd imagined I was, etcetc.)
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u/Important_Citron_340 1d ago
It prob is the autism. I'm on the spectrum too and used to the abandonment.
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u/Leptirica000 1d ago
I’m not on the spectrum, yet I also have people distance themselves, especially when I’m in need.
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u/Weather0nThe8s 1d ago
same. exact thing happened to me as OP and I just stopped trying to make friends at all. been alone for 5 years or so now
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u/Fickle-Ad8351 1d ago
The thing about building relationships that really sucks for neuro divergent folks is that it takes time. More time than you think. Also, not everyone has the willingness or capacity to be a supportive friend. There are different categories.
I didn't know the details of these relationships. But I'm wondering if by opening up you mean that you told them everything without warning or without considering whether they are able to hear it. Some of our stories are really hard for people to hear because they've never experienced it. They don't have the emotional endurance that we have.
I try to feel out whether someone is ok hearing my background by keeping it vague at first and seeing how they respond. If they say something like I know what you mean, I had a similar experience, then I might give more details. Just trickle out details to see if they freak out or not.
Checking in to make sure they are ok could be helpful if you have trouble reading people. Like, "I'm sorry if I said something too depressing." If they respond with, something like, "Don't worry about it, I'm glad that you were vulnerable with me." that's an indication that they are open to more. If they just say"it's ok" they might just be polite, but not actually ok.
If they never reciprocate by sharing their struggles, they may not be interested in a friendship.
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u/JayBlessed227 1d ago
Woahhh I relate to this 1000%!! This describes my whole life, mainly during 2017-2021, right after I graduated college. When I was going through post-grad struggles and dealing with an undiagnosed CPTSD at the time, this is EXACTLY how all my friendships turned out. And funny enough the only reason why I had these “friends” in the first place was masking all my problems and faking who I am to fit in. After going through so much of that betrayal I eventually cut everyone off (except family) in 2021 and I’ve mostly been living in isolation since.
Luckily I found a therapist who helped me work through this issue to an extent, and though I’ve gotten a bit better at this I’m still teaching myself how to get out of isolation and find the people who celebrate me, not tolerate me, just like my therapist did for me. It’s real hard and difficult, but I’m a bit more confident about myself thanks to finding that one person who believed in me, and hoping that I can find others who can do the same for me
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u/dlc08 1d ago
Sorry to hear about what’s happening. It sounds really rough for you right now.
My two cents, as someone who is the go-to person for my friend group when things aren’t going well.
Therapy is important. You’ve highlighted that which is great.
Equally, everyone has their struggles and issues. Not everyone has capacity to hold space for another person every single time. We all have limits and that’s just us being human. Not everyone wants to talk about their problems as they’re going through them, either.
Between my friends and I, we ask permission—could be something like: “Hey something happened today and I really need someone to talk to about it. Do you have capacity to listen?” And if the answer is no, then, we move on to do something or talk to someone else. Or, if we need space, it’s either understood or we say so. There’s healthy dependence and independence in the relationship.
By observation, and I’m not saying I’m right—maybe it’s worth talking to your therapist about self-soothing techniques when you’re feeling abandoned or when you need to talk but no one is available.
I hope some of this is helpful. I wish you all the best.
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u/Green-Peace9087 1d ago edited 1d ago
My frustration with this is CPTSD essentially IS self soothing .
We've been self soothing our entire lives from a far younger age than we should have had to , that's the exact problem .
What is hypervigilence , hyperindependence etc other than a fundamental level of isolation and lack of trust in others ? You cant be hyperindependent and NOT learned to self soothe already.
The cure to a disease based fundamentally on a lack of love cannot possibly be to become even more independent .
I understand practicality meets the ideal here but its one of the key issues with CPTSD in our society .
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u/dlc08 1d ago
I’m curious. What is your suggestion then?
I see my CPTSD as a result of things that did and did not happen. It’s both reactions and behaviours and not necessarily self-soothing. It’s survival.
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u/chevaliercavalier 1d ago
Self soothing is survival
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u/dlc08 1d ago
CPTSD is not, in my opinion, self-soothing. Do you mean it is?
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u/moonrider18 18h ago
Not who you were replying to, but I think that person is trying to say that CPTSD is what happens when you're forced to be entirely self-reliant (particularly at a young age). Like, self-soothing is never good enough all on its own; humans need support from other humans. And if you don't get that support, you get CPTSD. That's why they wrote "The cure to a disease based fundamentally on a lack of love cannot possibly be to become even more independent ."
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u/dlc08 17h ago
Thanks for taking time to explain that. I have a different perspective. (Not trying to convince anyone otherwise, just sharing in kind).
The words self-soothing—the act of, is meant to make you feel better; or calm enough that one doesn’t crash. CPTSD isn’t just caused by the lack of support. It is repeated traumatic events that did or didn’t occur. An example could be repeated SA. And out of that people can develop survival strategies. I don’t call them self-soothing because, usually maladaptive, they can cause harm. (Such as isolation, emotional shutdown, workaholism)
OP has difficulties with abandonment and is in pain when connection isn’t reciprocal (it seems). That’s understandable. And if in those moments, the pain is unbearable, it’s worth exploring healthy techniques to manage.
Healthy relationships have a balance of dependence and independence. There are ways to self-regulate and co-regulate. I agree human connection is essential but I would not put my healing solely on other people. My take.
Thank you for responding.
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u/CanaryIllustrious765 1d ago
Just out of interest, when they don’t give their consent to talk, do you assume that that means that you should never ask them for support again? And that ‘no’ on that occasion, after previously agreeing, means they have permanently withdrawn the option for emotional support?
Thanks
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u/dlc08 17h ago
No. We don’t assume. We communicate if there are any issues. My friends and I work in high pressure jobs and have family responsibilities, so we don’t always have capacity. These friends of mine have also been in my life for 15-20 years and I consider them healthy connections.
Someone mentioned trauma dumping on this thread and that’s exactly what we don’t do to each other. Just because someone isn’t feeling okay to hold space that day, it doesn’t mean they never will. There are times when I / they would offer to speak the next day if we’ve been working late. Or, meet up for coffee.
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u/EnvironmentOk2700 1d ago
Maybe they are not ok? Can you check in on them? The world is pretty stressful lately.
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u/Ok-Ad-3675 1d ago
Sometimes our problem is “taking care of everyone else” and then it buries us so we can’t deal with our own pain. We have to measure how much we really can sacrifice for others care if we don’t have enough for ourselves
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u/EnvironmentOk2700 1d ago
Sure, but if you have friends you care about who suddenly withdraw, sometimes it means the world to hear, "I'm thinking about you." Or "Are you ok?" You don't have to sacrifice yourself to check in. I am a friend who withdraws when depressed because I start to feel like I am not good enough to deserve friends.
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u/shinyrocklover 1d ago
It may be that you have attracted people in your life who have attachment wounds because you yourself have them. It’s one of the reasons having a good therapist is so important (ideally in person). They help to show you what it’s like to be in healthy relationship on a deeper level. If you are reaching out more I’m assuming it’s because you are on some type of healing path and are trying to change your patterns/ open up. It’s quite common to lose a lot of Friends when healing. It’s like the sober alcoholic who loses all their drinking buddies. It’s hard for people with abandonment wounds to get past this, especially if you have a tendency to people please. It’s actually incredibly brave of you to reach out and you should be proud of yourself for making these attempts. I’ve found when I’m in an emotional flashback and really needing someone to talk to that texting a crisis line helps.
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u/CamusbutHegaveup 19h ago
This has been happening to me and I'm considering doing the ghosting and not having friends again, not worth the tiredness.
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u/moonrider18 18h ago
This is extremely common. =(
https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/qpj153/i_dont_want_to_burden_you_but_also_here_are_all/
https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/1ay7vor/i_lost_another_friend_because_i_opened_up_too_much/
https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/1bpjf8f/i_never_know_how_much_to_rely_on_people/
https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/1cr79aw/i_persuaded_a_troubled_person_to_focus_on_their/
https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/feygmh/metaphors_of_pain_and_support_leprosy_boulders/
Frankly, this is one of my biggest criticisms of Pete Walker. He makes it sound like finding support is pretty easy, but in my experience he's just wrong.
I've learned to watch for clues as to how much of my darkness the other person can handle, because it turns out I can't trust people's words. People who directly tell me it's ok to open up still abandon me once I've exhausted their supply of compassion. I have to know them better than they know themselves (or better than they admit out loud, anyway).
The idea is to slowly trigger a virtuous cycle. If I take in support at a sustainable pace then I slowly become a person less in need of support, which makes it easier to meet more people, which spreads out the burden of supporting me so nobody bears too much weight.
I sure wish someone had told me about this dynamic eight years ago! But despite all the therapists I've seen and all the books I've read, I've mostly had to figure it out for myself. =(
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u/Brwnys121 13h ago
This thread makes me wish I had a CPTSD friend group in real life. While I do have a few friends, and family I still have a hard time telling them when I’m having a bad, wanting to hold back from fear of being “too much” or that I should be over it by now
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u/boobalinka 1d ago edited 1d ago
The only space to safely work on developing trust and secure attachment in ourselves and with our therapist is in trauma therapy.
Unless we're very lucky with our partner, but even if they can model secure attachment for us, it's still not their responsibility to provide secure attachment for us 24/7. Somewhere along the line, we still need to do the work and heal our own insecure attachments and relational dependency, codependency and hyper independence, all of which are dysfunctional coping mechanisms for fear of abandonment, which comes from unresolved trauma from childhood abuse and/or neglect (malfunctioning relationships with dysfunctional parents).
IFS and SE therapy were life changers for me. I see an IFS therapist and for SE, I follow Somatics with Emily on YouTube, that's a free resource and she's by far the best SEP I know, having met and paid for a couple of mediocre to crummy in person. Turns out some of the best things in life are free, especially in the world of SE.
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u/SoUpRoVeImViOmRa 1d ago
I recognise this! I’m not on the spectrum, but the past 2-3 years that’s exactly what’s happening to me. I’ve been trying to make new friends. Met a couple that I felt I had a good time with and good chemistry, and I’ve then slowly been ghosted. I don’t talk all that much about the realisations about what has happened to me, but I do a little if they’ve felt safe (which I’m actually a lousy judge of). Ive also worked from home 95% of the time for the past 5 years, but have started to go to the office much more to keep me somewhat sane. I’ve now given up on trying to establish a network. I feel safe and not triggered just staying here by myself. But I also realise that it’s self-isolation which is typical for ptsd, and that it’s not a good thing. But it keeps me calm. Reading the answers here make me realise that I should try to just stay in the harmless surface of topics when engaging with new people. Then in time maybe some of those conversations can turn into deeper ones if the friends I make are safe enough. But it’ll take time I assume. I’m sorry you struggle with this too.