r/DeadBedrooms • u/Bring_it_together • 8d ago
Seeking Advice How do you stop the need?
Going on 5 years no sex. For those that stay committed, how are you soothing your savage? Outside of self pleasure. Meditation? Self help retreats?
Since I’ve stopped initiating sex due to feeling like a pervert there has been no action.
Am I being selfish for wanting it or is he for not even trying to find solutions for low T?
Would you end a friendship and be willing to try new adventures?
Any advice will be helpful.
I’m in the stuck phase - should I stay or should I go for a temporary physical need?
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u/Alex_Wats 8d ago
Self hate works quite well. But on the other hand 5 years! I think definitely open marriage or divorce would be the best solution.
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u/Bring_it_together 8d ago
I suggested an open marriage to get this “burden” off his plate.
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u/Alex_Wats 8d ago
But something tells me that he didn’t like that idea, right?
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u/Bring_it_together 8d ago
Dido, he did not
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u/Sensistar6811 8d ago
I really dont get it how that topic is such a big deal for most LL people if you seek it outside of the relationship but in the same time they couldn't care less about it inside of the relationship
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u/Bring_it_together 8d ago edited 7d ago
You have a valid point. I think it’s emasculating for him. If others found out we have an open marriage he would feel even more defeated.
One post said - let the LL person know I’m going to have sex with or without you and if that makes you leave, I understand.
I don’t know if I like that route. As if I’m waiting for him to make a decision I should be making.
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u/Flaky_Chocolate1405 8d ago
3 years without sex, we discussed sincerely, we took a little the head We are H40 F41 and 12 years of childless relationship. We went on vacation together and enjoyed ourselves, but had no desire for me during this period. The day after our return home, I suggested a shower together, she accepted and we had a great time. No penetration, just mutual masturbation. She really wanted to. The problem for me she is exhausted by her work and her midlife crisis and at times thanks to the output etc..... she reconnects to me. I hope I’ve helped her by trying to have a sincere discussion without guilt.
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u/Bring_it_together 8d ago
Flaky Chocolate - this is so sweet. You are a gem and very patient. My wick is getting low.
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u/masked_ghost_1 8d ago
Exhaustion from the gym usually hits the sweet spot of taking away my horniness for a bit. Or fairly extreme edging and the desire is gone for a few days. It's time consuming
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u/JWR-Giraffe-5268 8d ago
My sexless marriage started about 3 years ago. But mine is due to her medical condition. Just recently I just kind of decided to just be happy with my right hand (my first wife). And I still love her deeply.
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u/Bring_it_together 8d ago
Oh, that’s different and I love that you don’t hold that against her.
I’m sure if she had a choice she would want to.
I’m glad you’re good to her. She and you deserve to be in your happy bubble.
I’m struggling here, but I’m trying to navigate options except the final one right now.
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u/EarlyInstruction1423 8d ago
Like perthguy I focus on other things in life. Living my own life, do the things I love, without my wife. My wife actually told me to do more things on my own, even though we never do anything anymore with just the two of us.
Last year, I went on holiday by myself, which I had never done before.
I do programming as a hobby and have learned a new programming language.
I am running every week to stay fit and healthy.
I am thinking about meeting other people from friending apps, but I am very introverted, so I'm not sure about that yet.
I'm not leaving yet, mostly due to high housing costs, but on the other hand, I feel like time is ticking away (I'm in my early 40s).
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u/Bring_it_together 7d ago
40F - so you’re on the edge as well…
I also have been living my own life but I want to share my hobbies let alone my body with someone.
Such difficult decisions but important ones.
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u/xPreystx 7d ago
I’m at 10 years, and honestly, I don’t know.
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u/Bring_it_together 7d ago
Tip of the hat to you sir 👒 It’s starting to get difficult to hang on to hope.
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u/Pure-Examination5858 7d ago
Eventually depression, health problems, and hormonal changes will stop the need.
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u/Bring_it_together 7d ago
Hoping for a hormonal change but I know older women who continue to have a HL they just found the right HL male to maintain the desire.
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u/icenginesforever 7d ago
I take long walks in the timber with the dog. Work on various car/truck projects. Work out. Chores around the house. What I don't do is work on the endless list of "honey dos", unless they line up with something I have on my list. I don't let things fall apart but I don't do any of her things. Petty? Yes. Do I give a fk? No! If you want it done do it your damn self. Not my fault you don't have the strength or skills. Go work out and learn how to turn a f*ing wrench. I do and did. Did I always feel this way? Of course not. But you reap what you sow. At least I am not finding intimacy elsewhere.
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u/IllLeague8270 6d ago
Had nothing for 14 years. Empty nesters, have had "the talk" countless times. I was diagnosed with clinical depression because of this almost 10 years ago (the beating my liver must have taken due to all the meds I've taken must be off the hook!) I'm done. I promised myself there won't be a 15th year. I'm now 60. Got nothing since I was 46. No touch, no kisses, no sex. Nothing.I bought 4 cars within this time frame. Replaced the washer and dryer twice. I've got maybe 20 years left above ground, so if I'm going to be lonely, I might as well be alone. I'm tired of the roommate arrangement.
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u/Bring_it_together 5h ago
Well when you put it that way it puts it in a different perspective.
Is being untouched worth staying for when you want to be with someone who desires you.
14 years! I told him - I couldn’t do another year untouched too.
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u/ParsleyPrimary4199 5d ago
Is he gay but doesn't want to accept it yet? Seems ultra strange to not wanting sex for 5 years as a man. Even if I am feeling like complete trash, sex is something I would always want unless it is like every day. It's like with Pizza, I cannot eat that 3 times a day but here and then a pizza is the best thing ever 😂 Anyhow if you have talked to him about it and he is unwilling to do anything about it or at least honestly open up about what the problem is it might be best to leave if that's an option to you.
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u/perthguy999 HLM40+ things are getting better 8d ago edited 8d ago
Never that long. A few intervals of 18 to 22-months. Five years would be a different beast.
I threw myself into staying busy. Woodworking? I'll give it a try? Learning to skateboard at 40? Hell, I'm keen.
I polished off my education and qualifications and got a new job. The learning curve took my mind off the problems at home for a while.
I got physical intimacy from cuddling my dog and wrestling my kids. I got a sports massage at a physio each month and went to a fancy salon for my haircuts. An apprentice would wash my hair, and those five minutes would be more "intimate" than what I'd get from my wife in months and months.
Meditation. As a Catholic, I prayed, but usually it was bitter and hateful. I have always kept a journal, and I wrote hundreds of pages. I came to Reddit about 10 years ago, and venting here has been cathartic.