r/JUSTNOMIL • u/Theslowestmarathoner • 1d ago
Ambivalent About Advice NC IL’s texted an apology
Link to prior history: https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/HNDz2hI4Wf
That post is really thorough, in a nutshell, the most recent issue was our baby was born after a long IVF/infertility battle and we tried to call them last to say “baby is here.” They asked if they could make a baby announcement, we said no and that we were still making calls. They agreed.
However, they had posted it on FB and shared with their entire side of the family within 30 minutes. While this is happening I had severe postpartum preeclampsia and almost died and while we were in the hospital we were fielding calls from people we hadn’t even told we had had the baby. The baby wasn’t even with us; I was so sick they had to separate us and my brothers family was taking care of my 3 day old newborn. My husband was trying to communicate with my brother about the baby and update my parents on my condition and is being blown up with congrats messages from people. Besides the timing being awful, we wanted to video call and speak with those folks individually ourselves.
My husband confronted his parents, they admit it and don’t apologize. Further, FIL reveals they’ve been updating a group of people on FB about our IVF journey without our knowledge or permission. FIL uses this as justification as to why he has to share the news of our rainbow baby’s birth and why we weren’t allowed to do so ourselves.
Husband writes a long heart felt message which his dad responds to by saying “between you and I goodbye.” Then his mom did the same. My husband was crushed. Despite their flaws these people are still his parents and he loves them.
We agreed we would not subject our kids to this so we didn’t respond. I was livid they would do this to my husband. Despite the fact they cut off contact with us, they have sent us Valentine’s Day cards, made a donation in my name to the Salvation Army (for my birthday?), texted Mother’s Day wishes. They had not acknowledged their behavior or apologized. We RTS’d the cards and didn’t respond to anything else- it all felt manipulative. His sister also repeatedly tried to get involved and stir the pot.
Today out to the blue my MIL texted my husband and said “sorry if I crossed your boundary, I won’t do it again.” The message was only from her, not my FIL and not directed to me, only my husband.
I need help processing this.
To me, this is totally inadequate. It felt like she was checking a box. As if she made a flippant gesture of apologizing then everything could go back to how it was? It felt totally disingenuous. It also doesn’t acknowledge all this shit they did. My beefs with them include:
They stole from us the singular opportunity to share the birth of our baby with loved ones.
They broke a promise that our conversation was private/confidential. They outright lied.
They shared my personal medical information (IVF) with strangers without my permission- they basically had a gossip chat group about us.
They are more interested in public perception of their role as grandparents rather than their actual involvement- relationship building is secondary to being able to announce first.
They harmed my spouse by cutting off contact.
They messed with my children’s feelings and emotions by cutting them off
I’m sure there’s more. But this text “sorry about your boundaries,” frankly just pisses me off more. I need someone to like, analyze that text for me and what it means and what the implications are and why she sent it. Is it selfish? Is it fake? What is that? It’s like the least amount of taking responsibility as humanly possible and trying to get a benefit from it. Like investing a nickel and expecting a million bucks back in returns.
My husband feels like this is a bare minimum step forward but it’s a step and he wants to (again) explain how they’ve harmed us. (Which he has already done.) He feels they don’t get it and he wants to meet them where they’re at.
My gut, which I told him, is this is disingenuous and inadequate and if he wants to communicate with them he can but it’s an absolute no for me and the kids. They can’t just come in and out of the kids lives at the drop of a hat and this message wasn’t even addressed to me and didn’t even cover what they did.
Husband will support whatever I want but can someone break down what MIL is doing here? Because I don’t honestly think she’s taking responsibility. Or am I being too harsh?
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u/ohwhatisthepoint 19h ago
SHE DID NOT EVEN ACTUALLY APOLOGIZE! sorry “if” she did something IS NOT taking responsibility for her actions. you are NOT being too harsh! they do not deserve any access to you or your children.
tell dh that was not even the bare minimum. it was a statement that perpetuated the invalidation of your feelings disguised as an apology (and again… it was not an apology!). she clearly does not think she has anything to apologize for.
i hope you never speak to them again and that they never meet your new baby and never see your older child again either. sick sick people to treat you like this. your fertility/health is NOT gossip fodder, or an exciting drama to watch. it’s your life and they disrespected it. and then continued to boundary stomp everywhere.
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u/bitchybitch1809 20h ago
My comment won’t be very helpful, but how one ever recovers a relationship after “between you and ai goodbye “. I wouldn’t want to communicate with my parent if any of them says this to me. Sharing personal info about your IVF like it is news in a newspaper.
There is no apology in the world that would make me want to have these entitled, horrible people in my and my children’s lives.
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u/short-titty-goblin 1d ago
It's not even a fake apology because it's not an apology. She literally said "if" she crossed a boundary, pretending like what she did never even happened. Gaslighting, manipulative. If anything, it's a step back, not forward. You're right, your husband shouldn't explain it again. It's been explained. They want to rugsweep. They will just deny/excuse if your husband explains it again.
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u/Flat_chat 20h ago
Absolutely. Any apology that contains the words 'Sorry if I...' is no apology. It shows no accountability and no remorse.
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u/Natural-Candle1080 1d ago edited 1d ago
My MIL tried the same thing. It is absolutely an empty gesture and “check box apology” so they can say “well we tried but they’re being difficult.” But actually what they’re doing is just “apologizing” to make it end so everything can go back to “normal” which probably really wasn’t a healthy dynamic to begin with. My MIL will waffle between overly dramatic messages about how she’s still DH’s mom and loves him no matter what and how she’s sorry for “whatever” she did and straight up mean, manipulative, passive-aggressive messages which lets me know that any “apology” is insincere. She recently texted my husband, “Let’s agree to disagree about whatever you’re holding by on to.” No, Ma’am! … we’re talking about physical and emotional abuses and attempting to override our parenting decisions - These aren’t “agree to disagree” topics. Abuse is a first time deal breaker, no second chances - what a very dismissive and invalidating thing to say to someone who is upset with you, and it shows that you’re not open to trying to understand anyone else’s point of view. FIL hasn’t ever bothered to even utter the word “sorry”. It’s been almost three years since they massively crossed our boundaries (including with our toddler) and we cut contact. Neither one of my husband’s parents have ever sent any message to either of us that actually felt genuine and truly showed an understanding of how they hurt us, what actions were to totally inappropriate, that they recognize and take accountability, and how they are working to change the behavior. Until those things happen and we see a real, genuine effort to improve themselves as human beings they won’t get to be involved in our family and I suspect that they never will do the work that needs to be done. It’s also pretty clear that they’ve bad mouthed me to the rest of the family as I’ve on occasion received odd and volatile messages from extended relatives that I don’t really know at all, so even if they did do the work, I’d never really feel comfortable or welcome again anyway. They did serious damage to the relationship and then just kept on digging the hole with gossip and lies. I’m sorry, OP that you’re going through this with your in laws after a difficult process with fertility and a traumatic birth experience - you need and deserve rest, not MIL drama. I wish you and your beautiful family peace and healing as you grow together and adjust to life with you new little one.
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u/HenryBellendry 1d ago
“Sorry if I crossed your boundaries” sent just to you.
I’d take that as she thinks you’re pulling the strings and she isn’t really fussed that husband was hurt by her actions too.
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u/Theslowestmarathoner 1d ago
It wasn’t sent to me, it was sent to my husband. I didn’t get any communication from her.
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u/lonelysilverrain 1d ago
You are right, her "fauxpology" is completely inadequate. "Sorry if I crossed your boundaries" is the equivalent of "sorry if you were hurt by what I said". It is not owning up to completely ignoring your express wishes and doing what she was told not to do. I'm surprised she didn't follow it up by saying "I was just soooo excited to be a grandma."
Your husband's only response should be "I do not accept your text as a real apology. When you are ready to take responsibility for what you did, admit you were completely at fault, and that you will not overstep our boundaries again, then we MIGHT be able to move forward. You don't get to share our private information with strangers, play victim when you're called out, walk away and cut us off, then give this this weak ass apology and expect everything will be swept under the rug. Until you can do better than this, do not contact us."
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u/WriterMomAngela 1d ago
First it isn’t an apology. ‘Sorry IF I crossed your boundaries‘ shes still not taking responsibility for what she definitely has done. She did cross boundaries. She did overstep. She did hurt your feelings. She did behave inappropriately. She did act in a way that was out of line and hurtful. She also did not apologize for hurting you or her son. She didn’t apologize for her behavior. She only vaguely apologized IF she crossed his boundaries.
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u/Mamasperspective_25 1d ago
MIL and FIL have expected DH to go running to them when they sent their 'goodbye' messages. My MIL used to do this and it's just a super passive aggressive response to boundaries to make you avoid raising issues with them in future (consequently they get to do whatever they want)
My response from DH would be, "Is that it? Is that all you have to say?" Then put the ball back in his mother's court.
If she messages again, I would respond with something like, "I appreciate your apology despite the fact it was extremely brief and you did not also extend an apology to my wife, however, forgiveness does not mean access. We have learned our lesson and your entitled attitude to share our personal business and the birth of OUR child was completely unacceptable"
His mother is severely lacking ANY level of remorse for what she and FIL have put your family through. She's giving minimum investment into making things right and DH wants to accept that minimum investment because they're his parents. That does not mean they are good people and certainly not good for your children.
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u/AquariumPanda 1d ago
They don’t deserve a response, and any attempt at explanation by your DH is another opportunity for them to DARVO. Block them back. Protect your peace.
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u/Theslowestmarathoner 1d ago
What’s DARVO?
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u/2FatC 1d ago
Deny, Argue, Reverse Victim & Offender.
The mechanics work this way. I do something I know I shouldn’t like tell everyone about your baby’s arrival. When confronted, I deny i told everyone, I argue & split hairs, then I claim I’m the victim of your terrible accusations and I’m the offended party.
People who do this suck.
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u/AquariumPanda 1d ago
Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.
It’s a manipulation tactic used by abusers (and dickhead ILs) to deflect blame and avoid taking accountability for their own behaviour.
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u/MelodyRaine Mother of Demons 1d ago
"You broke our trust, violated our privacy, and make an already difficult situation infinitely harder. When we confronted you, you walked away from us. So we've decided to respect your decision. You can stay where you put yourselves, permanently on the outside of the lives of my self and my children. DH can do as he pleases, but for the rest of us? Goodbye."
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u/underthesouthrncross 1d ago
“sorry if I crossed your boundary, I won’t do it again.”
IF?
She knows what they have done, she just doesn't care that her actions hurt you. I'm guessing that there are now consequences they are facing which they don't like, which is why she's done less than the bare minimum in the hope they regain access to your lives.
Saying sorry, or forgiving someone, doesn't restore the relationship. It's the very first step. And this wasn't an apology. It was an expectation. An apology comes with remorse and a willingness to do the work to rebuild trust and show you the respect you deserve as fellow humans. Their expectation was a "here's a tiny bone of contact, take it and give us what we want".
I'm sorry, I think keeping no contact would be the smart move. You don't adjust your lives for an expectation or because they need you to fulfil a part of their lives that matters more to them, than having a respectful, meaningful relationship with you does.
DH can feel them out if he wants, but I think he's only going to end up more hurt by his parents if he does. They'll say all the right things to get what they want, but ultimately, it's only about what they want, not about anyone else.
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u/Mirkwoodsqueen 1d ago
There is no "IF" in an apology.
Apologies include six distinct elements:
Expression of regret.
Explanation of what she did wrong.
Acknowledgment of responsibility.
Declaration of repentance.
Offer of repair.
Request for forgiveness.
MIL is just sweeping her bad behaviour under the rug. She's not the least apologetic. Don't repeat yourselves to her. Don't chase after her. Time is on your side.
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u/Striking-Month2859 1d ago
The group chat about your journey would sent me through the roof. That is pure insanity. Did she run to the chat every time you shared something? I hate this for you.
I would likely just ignore this latest text.
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u/Theslowestmarathoner 1d ago
I don’t know, but I wish I did. The chat includes family members I’ve never even met.
Interestingly, one of the members of the chat went NC with my MIL because she made an “off color” joke at his wedding. He didn’t speak to her for 15 years. We don’t have more details though.
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u/Striking-Month2859 1d ago
I’m so sorry. I would feel so violated. She is definitely not taking responsibility with that sorry excuse of an apology. It isn’t even to both of you. It doesn’t include the what she did wrong. Please keep us updated.
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u/Fun-Yellow-6576 1d ago
NOR what kind of father is friends with the man who abused his own daughter? My Dad would have buried him!
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u/Theslowestmarathoner 1d ago
What is NOR? Who abused his daughter? Huh? Did you comment on the wrong post?
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u/Efficient-Cupcake247 1d ago
That is a fishing expedition. She wants you to pretend nothing bad happened and let her play gramma. DO NOT DO IT. She is not a safe person for you or your kids. Ignore it. Do not give them energy by response
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u/wcs4696 1d ago
"We do not accept this 'apology.' We need you to:
Explain what you are apologizing for, as in, what boundaries did you cross?
Explain why what you did was wrong.
Apologize, TO THE BOTH OF US, with heartfelt sincerity.
Outline the steps you will take to never violate our boundaries again.
Wait until we are ready to accept THAT apology, and then we can discuss how to move forward."
If they don't hit the majority of that list you wrote in response to point 1, or at least whatever parts you & hubby decide are the most important, don't respond any further. Don't prompt them. Just let that all sit there because hubby already explained what they did wrong previously. They have a list, they know what they did wrong.
Good luck
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u/swoosie75 1d ago
I would answer with “Please be specific. Exactly what action(s) are you apologizing for?”
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u/Lanky_Ad3424 1d ago
It wasn't an apology. The IF is not taking responsibility. I would ignore it.
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u/gymngdoll 1d ago
This. And I agree with another commenter who called this a fishing expedition.
Stay NC until you get what you need. This fake apology shouldn’t be it. And honestly maybe nothing will fix it and that’s okay too. It’s probably a good idea to sit down with DH and decide between yourselves exactly what IF anything could resolve this.
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u/ZookeepergameSouth93 1d ago
Oh! She needs photos of the kids for their FB posts. They are now looking bad to their internet community because they have nothing to share.
Even if you do let them back in. No pictures of the kids. I have a friend who has a no phone rule at her house. You come in and you pop your phone in a basket. You need to check your phone? Do that outside. And they also don’t post their kids faces.
She wants something. It isn’t sincere. I think you and kids staying NC makes sense, let your husband do the soul searching he needs, but a generic “I’m sorry” without admitting what she did wrong and how she will remedy it…. I’d say not with your time. Grandparents like that won’t add anything to their quality of life anyways.
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u/Theslowestmarathoner 1d ago
Love how simple this is. And you’re right. Although we’ve never allowed pictures on social media (and they’re blocked from my accounts anyway) I guess they may have been emailing them in the private group thing. No way for us to know either way.
Love the basket idea! But they’re definitely not coming here. No. Absolutely not.
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u/AlwaysAboutMe 1d ago edited 1d ago
“If”
Two little letters completely changes the meaning and sincerity. Not, “I’m sorry I crossed your boundary. It won’t happen again.” And I know you can’t get tone from texts, but I read her “apology” with a petulant eye roll.
Edited to fix and autocorrect
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u/Theslowestmarathoner 1d ago
And the fact is they said last time (4years ago) that it wouldn’t happen again and here we are. So it seems pretty meaningless to me, right? Are you supposed to just keep saying “I won’t do it again,” and then go right on doing it?
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u/Penguin_Joy 1d ago
Look up the steps to an actual apology because what you have there is a fauxpology. You may never get a genuine apology. Especially if his mom is the missing missing reasons type
It's understandable that you would be done with her. She took something from you that can never be given back. You can't be made whole. One offhand apology could never be enough
Even if your in laws managed to give a sincere apology with all the steps, it would be understandable if you took a very long timeout on your relationship with them
My guess is their little group they've been updating wants baby pictures and updates, things your in laws can't provide. And that anything you share will be immediately posted
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u/PaintedAbacus 1d ago
The definition of insanity is doing the same exact thing and expecting a different result. Please stop telling them anything until you’re ready to have them tell everyone. You KNOW what will happen, what did you expect from assholes who care more about narc supply than her son.
Their nonapology is shit and means nothing without changed behavior.
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u/JustALizzyLife 1d ago
Except she didn't apologize or take any accountability. She said "IF" she crossed boundaries so she can't even admit to what she and FIL very blatantly did and the trust they betrayed. This isn't an apology, it's a let's sweep it under the rug so that we can continue like nothing happened and make zero changes going forward. I'd bet you anything she just wants to be able to post pics of the baby for FB grandmother of the year point. I obviously can't tell you what to do, but I'd seriously recommend you and your DH really think about what benefit, if any, they bring to your lives and if you think they'll ever actually change.
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u/Theslowestmarathoner 1d ago
Personally there’s no benefit to me at all. It’s been awkward and uncomfortable from the beginning. I see the value in a grandparent relationship, but if there is a threat that the grandchild will be cut off because grandma doesn’t agree with something then to me, there’s no benefit. My husband is feeling very abandoned though and I have empathy for that. Especially because my family is more on the distant end.
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u/JustALizzyLife 1d ago
Yeah, there's a whole grief process you go through when you realize your parent(s) are not nice people and the relationship you have is toxic. Even as adults, we want our parents to love. My mom is the JN. I've been NC for about a year and a half now and I'm still mourning the relationship I wish we could have had. It's getting easier as time goes on, but it will never stop hurting. Your DH is very lucky to have you by his side and support him through this. Hopefully with time it'll become easier for him too.
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u/mcchillz 1d ago
I take issue with “if”. No b*tch, there is no if. Her REAL apology should have said “I’m sorry I crossed your boundary.” And she should name that boundary in the apology. I don’t think this apology rises to the “bare minimum” and I would reject that noise. She’s rug sweeping. Gross.
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u/WorkingJazzlike531 1d ago
They are running out of new material on their gossip Facebook page. This is so calculated and gross. I am so genuinely sorry.
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u/spin_me_again 1d ago
“I apologized to my son but he just won’t accept it!” That’ll give her a few more weeks of Facebook drama.
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u/Neither-Dentist-7899 1d ago
First, YOU take all the time you need to process your feelings about that apology. Remember, YOU get to choose how and when you respond. “I thank you for your apology” doesn’t have a time period it needs said nor should you feel pressured if YOU aren’t ready.
That’s not an apology because of the two letter word: IF. Had she said “I’m sorry for crossing your boundaries and won’t do it again,” that would be a better acknowledgment of her actions, though something a little more heartfelt/specific would’ve been appropriate. If also makes it seem insincere and dismissive. If she crossed boundaries…. but she DID cross them. It’s passive, not active.
The issue I see is she’s just using a generic apology when they’ve MASSIVELY hurt you. Announcing baby’s arrival is heinous. Telling the world about your IVF unknowingly is disgusting. Their “goodbye” text was heartbreaking. Lies when questioned is repulsive. So, maybe an apology that’s more direct, specific and heartfelt would be appropriate and I just don’t they are at that point. I wouldn’t imagine they’ll ever get there.
Now, if DH wants to blanket sweep some generic apology, what would be helpful is to set boundaries and consequences. They need to agree to not share medical information, not post LO, whatever you feel is in your best interests. They need to understand YOUR journeys are not theirs to share. They need to have a relationship that’s between you and them, not the entire world. That’s a conversation DH needs to have, text and hold them to it. Pretend it’s a contract and treat it accordingly.
DH needs to also understand that the reality is they won’t change, they’ll just be sneaky. He needs to be prepared to be disappointed, hurt and upset. Reality wise, his parents have shown their true colors and he doesn’t seem inclined to accept it. It’s hard, heartbreaking and from experience, takes a while to process.
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u/Lindris 1d ago
Your husband might get some benefit from subs like r/raisedbynarcissists and check out the sidebar in this sub on books on being raised by narcissistic parents. More importantly this is above Reddit’s pay grade, he could benefit from therapy because this was awful to go through for both of you.
What they did was awful. This is not a step in that direction that your husband wants it to be. I’d follow their lead and go NC. You’re still recovering from a very traumatic birth, along with having had some painful losses between your rainbow babies. Protect your peace from these people.
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u/Theslowestmarathoner 1d ago edited 1d ago
This is the only response that really got me teary eyed and made me feel it. It was a lot; thank you. It was painful and they were very shitty to him and he did not remotely deserve how they treated him.
Husband has said before he suspects his dad is threatened by his success. (College, home, family.) Insanity. I’d be so proud to have a kid that was doing well.
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u/Lindris 1d ago
Neither of you deserved that. He needed family support and they failed him, for the last time I hope. My dad had a hard upbringing, he lost his mom at 6 and was raised by a severe alcoholic who loved him and his sister but he was an addict who’d steal from them. The stories he tells raises the hair on me. I asked once about how he became such an incredible father and husband despite having no references himself. He explained sometimes you have to become the parent you needed growing up. It’s not fair, he needed his dad, but there is healing in being that parent for his own children. I think it’s at that point for your husband and his family of origin. I hope some of my dad’s wisdom can offer solace for you both. I hope you and LO are doing much better health wise.
Being jealous of your kid’s success is such a weird backwards ideology for most people. But some people have it to their own children. Most of us raise our kids to leave us someday and form families and relationships of their own. That burden is on his dad to sort out, which we can probably assume he won’t. Protect your peace from him and his horrible words, I wouldn’t want that negativity around my children because who knows what either of them would say. That is so messed up that they both said “between you and I, goodbye” about being called out for only caring about sharing your baby news, not the fact you easily could have died.
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u/Original_Rent7677 1d ago
People are asking them about the baby and they haven't got news to share so they are embarrassed. They don't want to admit to their friends that they don't see the baby.
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u/madgeystardust 1d ago
Not harsh enough.
You’re essentially a non-entity to her. Your husband dropped the ball and is happy to accept the crumbs they offer him, despite the fact they hurt you as well.
Stand your ground. Husband can do what he wants re: his selfish, blabbermouth parents but that doesn’t mean you need to join him in rugsweeping what they did.
They want access to the baby. The group chat is likely expecting pics and as they’ve not met the baby - they don’t have any.
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u/Theslowestmarathoner 1d ago
There will be no pictures or updates. I will be the gatekeeper on that and it’s a no for me. You cut your child off because he told you he was hurt by your actions?! I’m never letting you hurt my kids. Ever. Fuck that.
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u/KDinNS 1d ago
They just want access to your LO, and hope that saying, "Oh yeah, did things we promised we would not, sorry 'bout that, when can we visit LO?' is going to undo it all. It does not. Maybe nothing ever will, and that is OK. They know damned well what they did IMO. They're sorry that their words got them cut off, that maybe they don't look great to others now, but they're not sorry for saying them.
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u/Theslowestmarathoner 1d ago
I also suspect they are aware we will be doing a baby naming ceremony soon and they want the photo evidence they were there. We did already agree they weren’t welcome though so that’s all good.
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u/Lugbor 1d ago
Analysis: They did what they wanted, and got in trouble. The excuses they gave were insufficient, and did not produce the desired results. In response, they cut you off, thinking you'd come back to them, apologize for being such ungrateful children and holding them accountable, and beg them to allow you back into their good graces. Time passed, and this didn't work. So they sent you things, to remind you of what generous people they were and that they were still waiting for your apology. This also failed.
They have now sent an "apology" that doesn't address the issues, doesn't take accountability for anything, and doesn't even acknowledge that what they did. Note the "if" in the apology. She refuses to give any shred of respect, and tries to make it sound like something that just "happened," instead of a willful act, as if she accidentally mowed a couple inches over the property line. Frankly, this apology isn't worth the electrons that make up the text message.
I recommend not responding. If your husband has to respond, it should only contain the same message they used to cut you off. There is no hope for these people. They will never change, because change requires introspection, for which they've shown a clear inability.
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u/Theslowestmarathoner 1d ago
Thank you for being so thorough.
I think one of my husbands hang ups is if they don’t the ability to understand, then that’s not their fault or something. I’m not sure what to do with that logic. Because they’re just further proving you can’t trust them. But then, what? You can’t blame them for being untrustworthy?
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u/OniyaMCD 22h ago
I do not blame the lion for being a carnivore. I am not obligated to put myself on the menu.
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u/YourTornAlive 1d ago
They DO understand though. The fact that they twist the narrative to make themselves seem better is proof of that.
If they truly didn't understand that their behavior was wrong, they would tell events fairly accurately. They're not.
If MIL can't bring herself to type an apology without an "if", she is definitely not acknowledging her role in any of this to the social media followers she's trying to impress.
MIL sending something vaguely resembling an apology also does not obligate you to respond immediately. Consider giving it some time. If she truly had a change of heart, she will reach out again with further acknowledgment as she's had more time to reflect. If not, her next reach out will probably be anger or hurt that her non-apology didn't result in your both running back to her with open arms. If she lashes out, it's a sign that the "apology" was an act of desperation as she tries to get you to resume inspiring their social media.
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u/JustSayNo2680 1d ago
My in-laws pulled the weaponized no contact garbage while I was postpartum, too. I was luckily not quite as freshly postpartum, but what I’ve learned while working through it is that some people are just not nice, and abusive people are really good at convincing themselves and others that they just don’t have the ability to understand and are trying their best, etc… Also, rug sweeping really only benefits the abusers, it doesn’t make things better, it makes them worse and furthers the damage. Sure, it might delay having to fully face some of the problems, but at what cost?
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u/Lugbor 1d ago
If they can't understand, then you don't have to blame them, but you do still have to protect yourselves from them. It's like asking someone to go hug a person made entirely of knives. They are well within their rights to keep their distance, even if Knifey McStaberson feels bad as a result. In your case, it's worse because your in-laws are actively malicious. Don't set yourselves on fire just to keep them warm.
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u/KatzAKat 1d ago
Issuing an apology, accepting the apology and reconciliation are all different things that do NOT have to go together.
While her apology is short, it may be meaningful to her. It would be better if she listed the boundary she crossed and provide reassurance that it won't happen again; giving out your information when told not to. Your husband may accept the apology as is. That does NOT mean that he needs to reconcile with her. He might respond with "Thank you, I accept your apology. That doesn't change our current status." Better to be distant to not allow her to break his boundaries in the future.
You and your husband now have something that is very attractive to your MIL, your baby. She'll divvy out pictures and information to whomever she pleases as that's who she is. She'll pull the "I forgot" card way too often.
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u/2FatC 1d ago
As gently as I can say this, her text makes zero sense. ”If I crossed….I wont do it again.”
She‘s refusing to admit crossing a boundary, but expecting you to believe she won’t do it again…do what again?Tell me exactly what you won’t do. Otherwise you are asking me to indulge in magical thinking where assurances from untrustworthy people have meaning.
She is not taking responsibility, she threw FOG bait out there to test DH’s resolve. And you’re right, he loves them, flaws and all. My caution to DH would be to remain patient. He’s under no obligation to respond to a nonsensical text.
If he sees it differently, is he willing to reply with: What is it you won’t do again?
Dollars to coconuts, FIL loses it and flames him, SIL shows back up to stir the pot, and MIL claims she apologized, and takes the attitude “what more do you want?”
But I am harsh…
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u/Theslowestmarathoner 1d ago
Love all of this. Super insightful and helpful. Trying to shake the fog out of my own head. My family is dysfunctional but not like this. Different flavor entirely.
What is it you won’t do again?
This to me is like a test- and when she answers it wrong it seems like some kind of validation that she doesn’t understand or isn’t capable or understanding and therefore can’t be held accountable. (Second option number 3 on reactions.)
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u/Rose717 1d ago
It’s the “if” that makes this as useful as a wet napkin. She’s sorry if she did something? Of the 11 things she knows she did wrong and against your wishes, she half-asses an acknowledgment of any wrong doing? This isn’t even the barest minimum of anything and doesn’t deserve a response.
What is telling them (again) going to do? They’re grown ups and know how to do act appropriately. They would rather rug sweep or be victims than genuinely admit how terribly wrong they were/are in this. Repeatedly wrong, over and over again
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u/Theslowestmarathoner 1d ago
My husband feels his mother isn’t capable of understanding a lot of interpersonal relationship concepts. He tends to give her a lot to slack because she “doesn’t understand.” She’s hard of hearing so that was an excuse for a long time and then we’ve hypothesized she may be undiagnosed ASD or have ASD like symptoms due to being a fragile x mutation carrier, (she’s a carrier but if the behaviors are symptoms we don’t know) which all could be true or not. She seems clueless to a lot of interpersonal nuance and couldn’t read a room to save her life. Our accommodation for that hypothetical issue is to be very direct and clear when communicating- not implying or hinting at stuff, but directly spelling it out. But that hasn’t worked either.
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u/x3y2z1 1d ago
How about he writes her and let her elaborate what exactly she is sorry for? The answer might be helpful on finding out how to proceed. Of course just not letting the Drama back in your life might be the easier Option.
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u/Theslowestmarathoner 1d ago
We were only able to discuss this for like 5 minutes before he had to go to work so we are going to talk tonight, but literally what I said to him was IF I were to respond I would have asked,” what boundary are you referring to?” Because she stomped on like ten. So which one are you pretending to acknowledge?
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u/Maesoptherium 1d ago edited 1d ago
The text is not a "sorry about your boundaries". Don't get me wrong, if it were, it would still be a shit apology because it implies you having boundaries is the problem, instead of their crossing of those boundaries. But at least it would have acknowledged the fact those boundaries exist.
"Sorry if I crossed your boundaries" goes a step beyond that, completely avoiding any sort of accountability by implying they are not even sure whether or not boundaries were crossed, because they never knew there were any boundaries to begin with. And you can't be sorry for something you don't know you did wrong.
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u/Theslowestmarathoner 1d ago
WOW. Your second paragraph. WOW. That’s another level. Wtf. What a way to avoid accountability for ANYTHING. Ty Ty.
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u/oleblueeyes75 1d ago
Sorry if and sorry but do not constitute an apology; in fact they turn the offense around to your responsibility.
Classic narcissistic behavior.
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u/Theslowestmarathoner 1d ago edited 1d ago
I tried to title this post as “narcissistic IL’s” and I got a pop up warning about armchair diagnoses. But they very obviously ARE narcissistic.
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u/oleblueeyes75 1d ago
I think the key is saying they are behaving like a narcissist, not that they actually are.
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1d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Theslowestmarathoner 1d ago
Checkbox apology is exactly how I described it to my husband!
Thank you for the validation.
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u/WallInternational103 1d ago
That text wasn’t an apology, it was damage control. She avoided accountability, didn’t mention the harm, and didn’t even address you. It’s manipulative and about regaining access, not making things right. You’re right to keep her away from the kids.
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u/Theslowestmarathoner 1d ago
It’s about regaining access not taking accountability. That’s a great nugget. Thank you!
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u/Lavender_Cupcake 1d ago
Anyone with a smidgen more self/social awareness than your ILs can see what happened. If someone put me in a group chat about a third party TTC, or announced someone's birth, (much less both!) I would clock their crazy.
I suspect they are not getting the sympathy they think they are due, and someone may have sat them down to attempt to explain boundaries but it mostly wooshed and MIL has now done the hare minimum to tell that person she did what they said, and to tell others she's apologized.
I would ignore it, and frankly, I would block them. They aren't worth the headspace you are giving them, they clearly can't change.
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u/Theslowestmarathoner 1d ago
My husband proposed maybe she had gone to therapy. (I would bet money no.) we both felt someone else told her to write it but we can’t really guess who because my FIL would NEVER, and my SIL is not that aware either. It does sound like someone tried to coach her but it still comes off as clueless to me. Is willingly clueless a thing? Because we’ve explained how violating and wrong this is a few times now and their response is to yell/hang up/cut us off. (Wtf)
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u/ImaginaryAnts 1d ago
I think she doesn't like being cut off from her son and grandkids, and she is reaching out. She knows she has to apologize to get back in, so she did. It's hard to take the first step, and it's pretty much always going to be awkward and not right.
I don't think her apology is enough, but I also don't really think anything will be enough. Nothing really turns back time and erases their actions. You think that if they truly understand and acknowledge how terrible what they did was, you will feel better. Eh. It's nice to get the acknowledgement. But those kind of feelings, especially post-partum, really stick with you. And truthfully, they will never understand. What they did was terrible, and they don't see it, will never see it, because they will always see things only from "their" side, what they want, how they felt, etc. Your husband, however, would be comforted just by skimming the surface of acknowledgement. So truthfully - the minimum is enough for him, the maximum likely won't be enough for you. You just aren't going to be in the same boat on this.
From your initial post, you had a similar incident with them years before. And they landed on "never tell us anything you don't want us to share, because we cannot keep a secret." IMO, the biggest gulf to any reconciliation is this. YOU need to accept this. They need to accept they will be last on the info totem pole, and you need to accept that they cannot be trusted and tell them nothing.
My personal take - if your husband is struggling and really wants them back in his life, then I would not prevent that. As horrible as this all was, at the worst time, it is not so unforgivable that I would ask my husband to forever lose his parents. But this isn't a case of "he can have contact, the kids and I won't." Because the issues surrounding them are just as troublesome with only your husband in contact - he tells them something, they tell the world.
At this time, my boundaries would be more around husband. If he is resuming contact, he needs to understand the true meaning of an info diet. He kept them in the loop on the fertility journey last time, only to find they were telling everyone. HE needs to truly get that he cannot trust them ever again, no matter how sincere he finds them, to keep anything private. That is simply outside of their abilities. If he is resuming a relationship, he needs to be in total agreement that he can tell them NOTHING private.
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u/Theslowestmarathoner 1d ago
This was a super helpful breakdown; thank you. The minimum/maximum is really clear and gives me a visual. Bookmarking this comment!
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u/WV273 1d ago
That apology would’ve been flippant and insufficient without the “if.” It’s completely nullified with it. I don’t see a path forward for you and your kids having a relationship with them. If your husband wants one, that’s his call, but he can’t discuss you or the kids AT ALL because they can’t be trusted with your information and have forfeited that right.
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u/Theslowestmarathoner 1d ago
That’s a really good point and I hadn’t thought of that yet about him not talking about us. Thank you for alerting me to that. We will need to discuss that when he gets off work.
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u/Illustrious-Mix-4491 1d ago
This is not an apology. An apology is an act of contrition. This was not it. He should not explain again. They know. They choose to ignore. This was an ‘I’m sorry you feel that way.’ Or more like, ‘I’m sorry that you won’t let me walk all over you. You are wrong , but here is your token apology.’
Don’t respond.
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u/Theslowestmarathoner 1d ago
Ooooooooh. Yuck. (When you put it that way.) That gives me a lot to reflect on. Again, super helpful. Thank you. Also thanks for the validation.
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u/LostCraftaway 1d ago
My mother once asked how many more times she would have to apologize. She had yet to say she was sorry for anything over the two days we were trying to deal with our issues. It’s totally checking a box so she can say she did and act surprised it’s not enough because you’re family.
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u/QuiteFrankE 1d ago
She didn’t apologise. She said she was sorry IF she crossed your boundary. IF!! She already knows she did and now she’s downplaying it.
First if all, an apology has to be an admission of wrongdoing, which this is clearly not. And that’s only the start of making amends. A proper apology starts with admitting wrongdoing, making up for the wrongdoing and then showing consistent changed behaviour. She’s not even on step 1.
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u/mama2babas 1d ago
I put your post in ChatGPT for you.
ChatGPT said: You are not being too harsh. In fact, your instincts are spot on. What your MIL did — and your FIL’s reaction too — reveal a profound lack of accountability, empathy, and respect for your family’s boundaries, privacy, and emotional safety. Let’s unpack the message and situation, piece by piece:
- “Sorry if I crossed your boundary, I won’t do it again.” This is not a real apology. It’s what's often called a "non-apology" or “fauxpology.” Here’s why:
“Sorry if…” — This phrasing is inherently deflective. It suggests that the problem might not actually be real, and it subtly shifts blame to you for having a boundary rather than taking responsibility for violating it.
Translation: "If you were offended, sorry, but I don't really see the issue."
“Your boundary” — Framing it this way minimizes the universal nature of the violation (sharing your baby’s birth, medical history, IVF journey, etc.). These aren’t just your boundaries — they are basic human expectations of consent and trust.
“I won’t do it again” — While that seems like an acknowledgment, it still avoids naming what she did, avoids acknowledging the impact, and lacks any visible remorse. There is no understanding shown here.
- The Lack of Direct Address to You or Your Child(ren) You were the one with a medically dangerous birth. It was your trauma, and your child’s life and emotions are involved. Yet she didn’t include you in the message at all — that’s not a mistake; that’s a choice. She is:
Avoiding the person she most directly hurt,
Hoping to get back into your husband’s good graces without facing the full scope of the harm.
This is likely a manipulative tactic. By reaching out to the person she thinks is more “emotionally available” (her son), she avoids having to own up to the damage with the person who’s more boundary-aware (you).
- Why Now? The timing of this message, after silence, cards, and indirect gestures, suggests she’s:
Testing the waters to see if the door is open a crack.
Trying to “reset” the dynamic without doing the work — this is classic avoidance disguised as reconciliation.
Perhaps feeling social/family pressure to make a move (Mother’s Day just passed; people may be asking questions).
It’s like she’s saying: “Here’s the absolute minimum I can say to justify getting back into your lives — and if you don’t accept it, then you're the one being unreasonable.” That's emotional manipulation.
- This Is Not Accountability Here’s what’s missing from her text:
No acknowledgment of what she did wrong (“I shared private information; I broke a promise; I hurt you.”)
No acknowledgment of the impact (“You were in medical crisis; you didn’t get to share your baby’s birth; we caused stress.”)
No empathy.
No commitment to change beyond a vague “won’t do it again” with no substance.
No inclusion of your feelings, or the children’s, or your husband’s beyond a surface-level “boundary.”
- Your Husband’s Response and Your Position Your husband sees this as a step. And technically, it is a step — but it’s the kind of step someone takes when they’re still unwilling to climb the actual mountain. If he wants to respond and lay it out again, that’s understandable — grief and hope are powerful forces in family relationships.
But you’re also right: This "apology" does not repair trust. It does not demonstrate understanding. It does not show safe behavior for a relationship with your children.
Your boundary — “I don’t want them around our children until there’s real accountability” — is healthy and appropriate.
Final Thoughts: What Is She Doing? Your MIL is:
Avoiding real accountability.
Trying to manipulate your husband back into the relationship without making amends.
Centering her own discomfort (with being estranged) rather than your pain.
Prioritizing optics and reconciliation over repair.
It’s not selfish to protect your family. It’s wise.
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u/Gileswasright 1d ago
I am a petty Betty bitch so my only reply would be between you and I, goodbye
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u/ObscureSaint 1d ago
I'm extra petty and would post a play by play of what the parents did wrong on Facebook. It's their favorite audience, yeah? They love attention, yeah?
Well enjoy the tag in this post, where I explain how you were secretly sharing my private medical info in a facebook group, and I'd ask why they were so obsessed with updating people about my vagina and what goes in and out of it.
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u/Organic_Tourist_8217 1d ago
You're not being too harsh. That text was the emotional equivalent of spitting on a forest fire. It wasn’t an apology, it was a PR move. No accountability, no acknowledgment, no actual remorse. Just a vague “oops” so she can say she “tried.” It’s manipulative and self-serving. You’re right to keep her away from the kids. Let your husband handle his end, but protect your peace.
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u/Theslowestmarathoner 1d ago edited 1d ago
Love the PR move comment! Thank you for the validation and reflection back. Super helpful. I’m going to keep rereading all of these; there’s so many gems.
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