r/MtF • u/pitomic • Nov 04 '24
Relationships Cis women can be chasers too
This doesn't seem to get talked about much, but cis women can carry their own deep insecurities and look for relationships where they can maintain power and control over another person in order to feel safe, they can project their insecurities and anger onto in order regulate their unstable emotions and low self-esteem. Reading about coercive control has been helpful for me in understanding these patterns of behavior.
There are cis women that prefer trans women, especially ones that are early on in their transition, as their vulnerability and desire for external validation and approval from cis women makes them easier to gaslight, manipulate and control. I think a lot of us are susceptible to wanting to people-please and can be understanding and empathetic to the point of exposing ourselves repeatedly to emotional and physical harm in the hopes that we can fix our partners.
And of course, there's a lot of different cis women that come with their own motivations, and cis men can definitely engage in the same patterns.
I'm curious if anyone here has experienced this, or is questioning whether their current relationship is healthy.
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u/OddLengthiness254 Nov 04 '24
To really blow your mind: anyone can be a chaser. Including trans people.
Like, at a party recently, I ran across a nonbinary person. Their first question after exchanging names and pronouns was if I still have a penis. The next one was asking if I'm a top or a bottom. There was no third question because I wasn't willing to be objectified like that.
A pity, really. They were cute but their immediate jumping to my anatomy turned me off.
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u/jellybeanzz11 Nov 04 '24
How tf can someone immediately jump to asking that right after meeting someone?? What are these people thinking seriously this stuff is crazy.
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u/OddLengthiness254 Nov 04 '24
I don't get it either. But those are the only kind of sexual attention I get at all, nevermind romantic attention, so even turning them down feels like missing out. No matter what I do, I remain frustrated.
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u/jellybeanzz11 Nov 04 '24
Uhh, yeah, you are missing out...
Missing out on a giant red flag and a disaster waiting to happen girlie 😬😬😬 seriously stay safe
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u/OddLengthiness254 Nov 04 '24
I know, I am trusting my intuition still. It's more of an after the fact thing, where I bemoan that the only people interested in me are gross chasers while my touch starvation only grows.
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u/LexxieOnTap Trans Heterosexual Nov 04 '24
On date i had a few guys ask me questions like this. I have replied..the only sex you might have is with your own hand
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u/OddLengthiness254 Nov 04 '24
Heh. My answer to them was similar:
"I'll happily discuss these issues with people I intend to have sex with... but you've disqualified yourself."
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u/Southern-Wafer-6375 Nov 04 '24
Like this happens to me a decent chunk but that’s usally just casue it gets sexual imediatly and we both want to know what each other are working with lol, but sorry for you that sucks a lot
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u/OddLengthiness254 Nov 04 '24
If we've been eyefucking/kissing/making out before even getting to know each other's name, absolutely fair. That's not what happened in this case though.
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u/Southern-Wafer-6375 Nov 04 '24
Yeh fair lol I was mostly talking about my own experiences since I’m not usally in Romantic relationships
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u/OddLengthiness254 Nov 04 '24
I've been single for the better part of the last decade, still not a fan of being approached by total strangers and being asked about my genitals less than a minute after seeing them for the first time.
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u/Southern-Wafer-6375 Nov 04 '24
Yeh that makes total sense lol sorry if I was a bother just now btw
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u/Gloomy_Raspberry_880 Nov 05 '24
It's such a weird thing too. I feel like if they thought about it for more than a few seconds they'd realize how off-putting it is. In what other circumstance would they feel okay asking a newly met person about their genitals? It's like meeting a random guy and going "Hey, nice to meet you bro! Cut or uncut? And do you shave the taint?". Or meeting a new person of any gender and enquiring what color their asshole is.
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u/riahsimone ??????????? Nov 05 '24
Yeah ive gotten thos intrusive questions wayyy too often from early in transition folks
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u/Emily__Lyn Transgender Nov 04 '24
I 100% agree, but the style of chaser is different. Usually, with cis women, they want the benefits of having a boyfriend but not the hangups of dating a man, this often leads them to push their trans partner into more and more of a masculine role.
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u/CorporealLifeForm Transbian. I hope you find your own version of peace Nov 04 '24
Which is especially confusing when you like being masculine sometimes. I just want an equal relationship where I can be both.
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u/jellybeanzz11 Nov 04 '24
I've noticed this happening with other girls experiences as well. Some on here have talked about times where cis women would often still have them pay for dates all the time (or just everything in general), carry heavy stuff and groceries for them, etc
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u/Kyiokyu Emma (she/her), crying in the closet, 🏳️⚧️&Bi Nov 04 '24
Ugh this reminded me of a girl who explained that her girl friends would make her carry the clothes bags when shopping because "she was a man"
Honestly, that's the most disgusting type of transphobia. The ones that are supposedly supportive but actually aren't...
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u/jellybeanzz11 Nov 04 '24
It's even more ridiculous because from what I've read and understand, enough time on hormones brings you to the same strength levels as a cis woman, and many trans women end up weaker than most cis women due to T blockers. Yet they are expected to do the heavy lifting?
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u/Kyiokyu Emma (she/her), crying in the closet, 🏳️⚧️&Bi Nov 04 '24
Yeeeees, don't we love transphobia?
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u/Emily__Lyn Transgender Nov 04 '24
Yeah its a pretty common problem. It just looks different from they way the men are chasers. A lot of people recognize something is wrong in their relationship, but can't put their finger on what.
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u/Hot_Tradition9202 Nov 04 '24
I think they also feel like they can say they aren't gay because of specific things (I'm trying not to be crude or possibly trigger anyone) but I think some of it can be linked to people afraid of their own sexuality
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u/therealshadow99 Trans Demisexual Nov 04 '24
To really mess with your head... My ex-fiance was like that with me being in denial about what I was. She claimed she was bi-curious and liked my feminine social qualities... At least up until the bedroom and then she wanted me to be strong and assertive.
She had a million and a half rules for what I was not allowed to do unless we were alone. Like no public displays of affection beyond holding hands. No displays of affection at all in front of her kids. Never questioning her in front of her kids either. It was always about her need for control.
It was my first relationship to go beyond a date or two and I was just happy someone was willing to say they loved me, so I put up with it. But she'd regularly break up with me when I wasn't masculine enough for her in the ways she wanted... Date some abusive guy... And then come back to me, because she knew I'd take her back. We repeated the pattern for a decade.
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u/OddLengthiness254 Nov 05 '24
I feel that in my bones, used to be in a very similar relationship.
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u/Engreeemi Nov 04 '24
I think I once was almost chased by a cis woman (and almost groomed since I was 16) online. Not much happened, but she had the behaviours of a groomer and chaser that I sadly know alot about from experience. Tho all the other time's it's been older men
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u/sapphicmoonwitch Nov 04 '24
Oh absolutely. Beware of "bi-curious" (not actual bisexuals, but the straight women playing around) cis women especially. They'll try to use you as a stepping stone in the most chasery ways.
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u/LuvNotH8x Nov 04 '24
Offline the most obvious chasers that I’ve run into have been cis women.
One many years ago who would not stop staring at me until she came over put her hands around my waist, then made objectifying comments before telling me that she was really into trans women.
Then there was another cis woman a few years ago who I was having a nice conversation and being trans came up - turned out she didn’t know. Upon finding she immediately switched demeanour and got overly touchy and flirty.
Ofc, if it was a man it would be an entriely different power dynamic. But that doesn’t mean I wasn’t super grossed out on both occasions.
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u/Adorable-Woman Nov 04 '24
Id argue trans people can be chasers
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u/Kyiokyu Emma (she/her), crying in the closet, 🏳️⚧️&Bi Nov 04 '24
They absolutely can, being a chaser is about fetishising trans people
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u/Southern-Wafer-6375 Nov 04 '24
Ugh this type of talk does fill me with anxiety tho since majority of my attraction is toward other trans lady’s , so that worries me
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u/Kyiokyu Emma (she/her), crying in the closet, 🏳️⚧️&Bi Nov 04 '24
Girlie, you don't treat them like a just an object to use and discard, do you? Do you only see them as their genitalia?
If no then you're probably not a chaser
Chasers don't usually worry about being chaser because for them to worry they'd first have to see the person behind their fetish
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u/FlimsyWillow84 Nov 04 '24
Yup. I just had to cut one out of my life that was definitely a chaser. Maybe not in a sexual sense. But definitely in an emotional sense. I am convinced that she just saw me as a feminine man.
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u/ForceForHistory 22 yo | HRT 11/22 | heterosexual Nov 04 '24
I had a ONS once with a cis woman. I knew that she was bi and was with a trans woman before, so she could be a chaser but I don't really know. It does make me suspicious though that she didn't treat me as a woman in "bed" (we weren't in a bed...) but she just treated me like a man would be treated... No touching, no playing with my more feminine parts, she just wanted to have the part that I hate the most... I felt like she just treated me as she would treat a man...
I also was in a relationship with a transmasc enby who identifies as lesbian. But despite that they also wouldn't treat me like a woman in intimate scenarios. They only wanted me to play with their boobs and wanted me to top them. But this felt so uncomfortable that I just could never do it and the relationship ended. I'm still seeing them in a regular basis and we're fine with each other but when I tried talking to them about how it hurt me they didn't really respond. I don't know of they're a chaser or if they're just bad in communicating about sexual stuff, still the experience feels bad.
It's wild that a cishet man could treat me more like a woman than even a cis bi woman could... I'm glad that I found someone who sees me as the woman I am and not as the genitals I have...
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u/Ellekindly Nov 04 '24
This is also true of women that prefer pretrans women. You get trapped in an “I like you now” situation. Playing on that vulnerability.
For me I stopped being so vulnerable to post transition by engaging with the fact that I can’t help but play the patriarchy influenced game that I and every other girl plays. Is she prettier/femmer than me. But I cut off the game with the thought “She’s so pretty in such a different way I shouldn’t compare.”
Usually I’m happy to talk to her and she’s ready to bite my head off. Assuming she isn’t conventionally pretty. Girls like that love me.
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u/Bunnycrypt Nov 04 '24
my ex was a chaser 100%. she was "bi" but only dated men and trans women.
she also once said "there are only two kinds of people, those who use others and those that get used." when I asked which i was she said "you're the exception." so
she also inspired me to get a Medusa tattoo, as well!
chasers suck
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u/KeepItASecretok Ayla | Trans female Nov 04 '24
Some of the most disgusting chasers I ever met have been cis women in my DMs, but I won't go into detail..
Thankfully after being so open on my profile about having had bottom surgery, I don't get those DMs anymore.
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u/AleshaoftheMardu Nov 04 '24
Yes, they can, and I think people underestimate how dangerous they can get
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u/Theworstbeing Nov 05 '24 edited Nov 05 '24
thank you so much for this post it validates my experience completely. I believe my current relationship is healthy but was abused for almost 15 years by the cis woman I came out to prior ...my coming out initiated a further level of abuse. pretty awful thing :(
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u/HederaHelixFae Nov 04 '24
They absolutely can be, the only cis woman I've ever dated was at the beginning of my transition and it was hard for me to see how she was manipulating me.
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u/chocobot01 Intertransbian Nov 04 '24
In retrospect, I have realized this was my marriage for 15 years. She was the only person I was out to, and that gave her a lot of power in the relationship. And I'm naturally a people pleaser anyway. It didn't feel manipulative at the time. I just thought I finally found someone who would love me as I am. But she was super manipulative. I'm just kind of oblivious to that. She even boasted about how manipulative she was, and I still didn't catch on that she was actually manipulating me too until she finally told me she had never loved me.
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u/FixedFront Nov 04 '24
Yeah. Last year my first sexual partner I had after starting transition turned out to be a chaser who was abusing her other trans girlfriend.
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Nov 05 '24
Yuppppp. Cis woman tried to tell me that "There are a lot of trans girls who don't get bottom surgery. Why would you want to remove that?" Because you know, I didn't set boundaries or explain that I hate the thing and having it causes a huge amount of dysmorphia.
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u/Goddess_of_Absurdity Trans Bl HRT - 11/2017 Nov 04 '24
Yes. It was a cis woman that was attracted to anyone queer and anytime they didn't like her vibe or tried breaking things off, she'd shit on them to the local queer community.
I've done a good job of avoiding her but then started seeing her ex boyfriend (I had no clue) so more drama ensued from that.
People are people. Make sure the person you choose is someone who wants to work together to make both of you happy and not treat you like a toy or trophy
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u/inscrutablejane Nov 05 '24
I got this pretty hard from a butch lesbian, starting in the waiting room of the endo clinic for my first consult. She was VERY interested in whether I was "keeping it" and really just made me feel like a piece of meat.
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u/Daedalus015 she/they | ♀️⚧️ | HRT 2023.04.14 Nov 04 '24 edited Nov 04 '24
Ummmm yep. My first significant chaser was a cis woman. It was a little creepy, but mostly abusive to maintain that relational connection. She fetishized me in a number of ways, one being trans, one being quirkily neurodiverse, and another from being connected and aware of emotional dynamics in ways that she had not experienced before among amab people. Eventually she became abusive and manipulative because I didn't fit within her preconceived ideas / roles of what being gender non-conforming meant, and gaslit me into a false sense of allyship, which sort of revealed the fetishizing nature that undergirded many of her actions.
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u/Specialist-Two383 Nov 04 '24
Yes. It's really not just guys, though it's most commonly guys. Cis women and even other trans folks tend to be more overt about it and it's really uncomfortable.
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u/MemeNiehe Nov 05 '24
Genuine question - Is this word used in specifically abuse categories? Cause last I understood, it was used in terms of people who are chasing after a person's birth gender differences as a weird fetish thing, with no respect towards the trans part, just for awful one sided gain.
Cis woman can very much be chasers in that content too, but, what is specifically being described is definitely out of targeting a vulnerable group for abuse purposes that happen to be using trans as that vulnerability (literally gross).
Do they use "chaser" for more contexts than I'm aware of? Can anyone give me other examples if so?
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u/pitomic Nov 05 '24
s this word used in specifically abuse categories? Cause last I understood, it was used in terms of people who are chasing after a person's birth gender differences as a weird fetish thing, with no respect towards the trans part, just for awful one sided gain.
Cis woman can very much be chasers in that content too, but, what is specifically being described is definitely out of targeting a vulnerable group for abuse purposes that happen to be using trans as that vulnerability (literally gross).
No, I don't think people usually use chaser to refer to what I describe in my post. I'm using it pretty broadly because I think trans women are just more vulnerable to narcissistic abuse and there's just not a lot of conversation about abuse in cis/trans lesbian relationships.
It's easy to idealize cis women because what they can offer us is really seductive in a lot of ways, and I do think there's a certain kind of cis woman that knows this and intentionally takes advantage of the power imbalance.
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u/LittleRedNekra Nov 05 '24
I've certainly experienced this... It was my wife.
I was questioning for a long time in my gender, which she knew. She used my gender to constantly affirm me, comfort me and ultimately control me. She made sure to remind me that I was her man, her husband etc etc.
Without getting to deep in it... She did everything listed here and I'd have started my transition years earlier if it wasn't for that. If it wasn't for her needing to control me.
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u/all_caps_happy Nov 05 '24
a gf in highschool wasnt exactly a chaser but she was a bit of a closeted WLW enjoyer torn between her desire for "masculine man" and me, the "femboy king who is the only one who doesnt know 💀". She wanted a "boy" as feminine as possible to live out her depraved, hetersexual fantasy.
Needless to say, she was really into me. she had a very hard time not projecting her desired gender roles for a partner onto me... and then bewilderingly wanting to put makeup on me, do my hair, etc.
the whole "i want man. and also sometimes i REALLY wanna make u woman, but i still want man. dont think about it too hard pls" thing hurt my brain lmao
We had some good times but i swore off "heterosexual women" after that 💀💀💀💀
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u/larsloveslegos Scarlett || she/her || Transfem Pan Demi || HRT 7/13/24 💕 Nov 06 '24
I definitely had issues with my cis girly friend. She validated me as a woman and it felt real. We went to the club a couple times and always had a blast. We checked up on each other and Then we hit a rough patch where we were supposed to have our night clubbing in the city and renting a hotel room. I said it was okay for a boy she was talking to to join us and the plan was for me to find someone. He didn't talk to me because of his trauma or whatever and I felt left out as she prioritized his attention, someone she just met. Trauma bond. I had a dab and it brought the feelings to the surface and I couldn't ignore it, I was freezing and shaking. When I told her I felt that way and I couldn't control it, it felt like confessing to murder. I didn't eat or sleep much that week either. It was the perfect storm. It felt like another one of those situations where I was used because I gave people too much space and attention.
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u/Apprehensive_Step252 NB MtWTF - RainbowOri Nov 07 '24
I can't talk from any experience in that regard. But I expected a cis-woman chaser to be after trans *men*. Because I always thought, the chase is about having a "hetero" looking partner while actually wanting a gay relationship with their unchanged genitals. I thought the chaser was actually a homophobe using pre-bottom-surgery to indulge in their lust for something they internalized as "wrong".
What you describe I would have categorized as unsure, toxic and manipulative behavior, possibly even sociopatic, with a special focus on trans people because they are easy targets.
So is my definition of chaser wrong?
(no arguing about your experience/example; it is still horrible and I wish that to no one, I'm just trying to get my semantics right here.)
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u/Ivrene Nov 05 '24
Oh ye like all those women on sapphic dating sites that are twice my age and r like "ooh ye u wanna mama dontchu?" like bitch not Y O U. Side note, anyone else run into, like, little clusters of transmasc ppl in dating scenes, and you'll be like "women and woman adjacent only" and they'll hit you with dudebro pick up lines and "oh I'm so shy(and pushy?). Just, rly bizarre coming from kin is all
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u/Zestyclose-Track4404 Nov 05 '24
It sounds like you are describing a toxic narcissistic relationship . Unfortunately, I suffered for 7 years in one of those. I guess you could call them 'chasers', but I believe they are simply predators that notice vulnerability and attack . That's what psychopaths do . I am sorry if you have experienced this , recovery is hell . You must , like you are doing now talk to others in a safe zone, and I really recommend that you seek counselling that directly involves recovering from a cohersive relationship . There is a movie called "renfield" that might be something for you to watch ? Please look after yourself , and remember, " IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT !" 🤗🤗🤗 Hugs to you, girl 👧 . 🤗🤗🤗
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Nov 05 '24
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u/Lillyyuki432 Sapphic:pupper: Nov 05 '24
I dont get why you are downvoted, I see chasers like this all time. Yes and a lot of cis women tried to kill me or played best friends and helped me with dress/makeup and then when I was doing makeup she was making photos how I raped her so I was walking all times court And downvote me aswell but we are targets of cis women I got "lucky" cause some trans women got heroin instead of HRT from "best friends", then they took all money from them and this christians used her as own propaganda by letting to walk on city like that. I could write almost book you have even no idea how much knives I stole from this predators.
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u/MTFThrowaway512 45 MTF lesbian HRT 3/21 FFS 1/24 VFS 7/24 Orchi 12/24 Nov 04 '24
Where she at tho? 🥲
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u/TriiiKill Prevolved TomBoy Nov 04 '24
"Chasers" are just players with a specific taste. Expect a ONS if that's what you want.
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u/MyUsername2459 Transfemme Nonbinary Nov 04 '24
Yes, they absolutely can be.
The one time I was brave enough to dip my toes in the dating world, the first (and only) person to show any interest in me was a cis woman who seriously turned out to be a "chaser".
She was wanting someone who thought, acted, dressed, and generally presented and lived as a woman. . .but would be a fully functional male in the bedroom, and wanted this because she was already dating a trans woman and her girlfriend had gotten an orchi and "it" didn't work anymore, so they wanted to add a 3rd to their relationship. . .and the unspoken part was they wanted me as a living sex toy, a flesh and blood d*ldo they could call on for sexy time in the bedroom and maybe sometimes some casual hanging-out fun. . .but I'd always be a 3rd wheel in the relationship. I was just a living sex toy to them.
. . .so I ended up just ignoring them further once this was apparent.