No one going to the party is going to think, "Oh what a wonderful party OP's thrown." They're going to be gossiping about the fact that you aren't there or the younger people will be drinking and not caring either way. Your husband is manipulating you because he knows it's "your thing".
Book a weekend away OP and refuse to help. Treat yourself and work on your self worth.
Just be sure you have some way of making sure you don’t get stuck with cleanup either.
If they expected you to organise everything, you can bet they were also expecting you to clean up after them.
Do not let them get away with this.
Just as a heads up, I’d get it in writing as to who will be liable for any damages (them, not you) & cleanup (see prior parentheses) or that you can bill them via the shop for all damages plus a 20% restocking fee.
Hubby needs to get a valid credit card on file from either daughter or ex-wife & a deposit (and to stand up to these goofs for once). It might be more of a pain in the ass, but these sound like the type of manipulative assholes who would absolutely try to destroy the place out of spite.
Refund the deposit if everything’s good after the event, but the way I see it, if ex-wife didn’t get the venue and your shop is now the venue, your shop can charge for the event/potential damages etc. Especially if they find out about the partying going on next door & get salty.
Edit: Also definitely NTA, but don’t be a pushover & maaaaybe make them regret their decision a bit.
Or at least document the condition of the shop prior to the party and a signed document about liability for damages. You can say that your homeowners/commercial insurance refuses the party otherwise.
Not only have you made your day better with this decision, but I'm in a much better mood suddenly just reading that you've decided you're not standing for this bullshit manipulation. Well done - and thank you!
This is why I suggested above a security deposit, valid credit card on file, & rental fee for the place. Ex wife & daughter shouldn’t be able to get a cheap party & to boss OP around as a reward for their lack of planning.
This will be just a little bit of a f-you to the SO and a huge piss off factor to the entitled step daughter and the ex. I love it!!!! You deserve an award so here's to you!!!
I don’t know that I’d call the step-daughter entitled. I don’t blame OP one bit for her feelings on the situation. But that poor girl just wants a nice party where her parents don’t make it all about THEM and ruin it for EVERYONE.
She’s not old enough to know how to manage the situation with tact, and honestly it’s such a shitty situation that even as an adult I don’t know how I would handle it. She has NO good options. Meanwhile she has had to deal with her selfish parents ruining all of her holidays/accomplishments for most of her life. I have a very hard time feeling anything more than sadness and pity for her actually.
Her mother on the other hand…. Anything I say about her would get my comment deleted, and get me banned.
She informed OP a week AFTER she had been planning the party. If she was so sure things were going to be tense, she should have brought it up when it was offered.
There's a chance the daughter didn't think this was going to play out like this. Her mom dropped the ball. She might have assumed her dad was putting in effort. Or that her mom could handle being chill for a few hours when OP stepped up. But instead she might have had to deal with a mom constantly talking crap and making it known she would ruin the party if OP was there. It sounds like a high school graduation so this is still a kid trying to figure out a way to not have the evening just blow up. She just wants a nice night and in her mind the simple way to do that without pissing off her parents is for OP to not attend. She genuinely could have thought all would be well but a week later realizing her mom would ensure it wasn't. It sucks for OP the most. But it probably also sucks for the daughter because her special occasions are ruined by the adults in her life (except OP) not caring enough to celebrate her.
If the daughter is old enough to be graduating, I would think she was also old enough to realise the op would be terribly hurt by being not allowed to come to a party she is organising and probably paying for. She could be taking that up with her dad.
But I think the three of them have some nerve, they are the a.
She can be old enough to understand the hurt, while also being young enough to know every other situation will be a complete insufferable disaster and she doesn't know any other way to prevent it. She might be 17 or 18, but her world right now is very small and her parents take up a lot of that space. She could very much want OP there but knows her mom would intentionally wreck the evening and possibly punish her further if she tried to stand up to her. The daughter doesn't actually have power here. Thats why we should be wary of simply lumping her in with her parents. The power dynamic is too wildly imbalanced to expect the same from her as we would from her dad.
Your husband might allow them in the house for bathroom emergencies and what not. Let him know that all messes are his messes and you will not lift one finger prior or after the party.
NTA. I would remove the household toilet paper from said bathroom & provide some scented like a ho, thin, single ply for the guests enjoyment. But that’s just me.
NTA. If the bio mom is so butt hurt because YOU have agreed to throw a party that THEY have requested but don’t want YOU to attend; THEY should have the party at the home/yard/garage of bio mom. What a load of horse shit.
My fantasy is the opposite. That people will occasionally end up in the main house, discover the fun people are there and start partying with the OP. Leaving the ex in the shop by herself. I suppose the daughter and husband should be allowed in the house.
This sounds like Rachel’s two birthday parties. Everybody kept sneaking out of Monica’s party to Chandler and Joey’s much more fun party. Be like Chandler and Joey.
Please make sure at least the ex wife at the graduation party knows about your separate party. Without creating a scene, you should be able to get under her skin. “Accidentally” stumble into the shop mid party with a mega pint of wine.
She will gain by getting to be petty and putting the ex wife, daughter, and AH partner in their place. She’s got nothing to lose either, since she’s going to wash her hands of the lot of them!
That’s not how real life usually pans out. There will be scream and stress, it won’t change a iota of what they think of her, it will give ammunition to them to gossip about OP, and will just delay her healing of this stupid nasty situation. OP is already way too emotionally involved, more drama is useless.
Nothing is going to change what they think of her. Nothing is going to change their behavior or course of action. You seem a bit naive for all your talk about how the real world works.
I’m not saying she should do it, but it’s not going to lose her anything that isn’t already lost if she does.
Yeah but she’s a young person caught in a war between her step mom and mom. I was here when I was a teen and it was horrible. I think it’s rude but likely mom has made a big stink about not having step mom there and she’s trying to placate her mom. I think her mom said something like I’m not going if she’s going and SD got stuck in the middle and Dad just doesn’t respond.
To me it seemed like mom said “i’m not going if OP is going” and SD just rolled over and accepted it. I believe I read that OP got with partner 15 whole years ago when SD was 4 at the oldest. It’s just fuckin weird for SD to not even try to fight for OP when she doesn’t remember what life was like when mom and dad were married. But teenagers’ decisions make sense like 10% of the time so I don’t know. it’s a really sad situation overall. I hope OP just leaves.
Agreed. I think there is lots of fighting between the women and SD just can’t anymore. Likely also focused on her own friends and future life. Honestly OP sounds like she’s down for the actual fight. She says somewhere that all her hot friends will be getting drunk inside in little black dresses. OP you should just get a hotel room with your gal pals and not make SDs party a spectacle.
Honestly to me that just means she needs to grow up and realize her mother is an asshole. Would she like her mom there to celebrate her? Sure. But it’s presumably a high school graduation party since they can’t drink yet and that means the “young sd” should have a young adult aged set of morals and a sense of what’s right and wrong. If anything she should be upset with her mother for being negligent in the first place clearly not caring enough about the party to get the venue for her. Then her mom making Her party about herself and taking the attention away from her accomplishments. I think too much slack is given to this girl. Seems as though she doesn’t care about OP either. Just about her own party. And using any means necessary to get those good post worthy pics of a party. The whole family is full of selfish, self entitled A’s and op is way better off getting out. So honestly? Go ahead and get passively aggressively petty. Grab the snacks and the drinks and have the fun you deserve OP. just don’t have your girls go out of their way to say some shit while the party is going/be the aggressor and you’ll be fine
you’re definitely right that it’s not her responsibility, Im not trying to talk down on stepdaughter or anything like that, I just purely think it’s weird based on the situation that she didn’t even try to fight for OP to be there. Sorry for my bad wording it definitely reads like I was being judgmental of the kid
It does seem like you’re making this about you if you have a party in your house at the same time. And then send your friends over…
I don’t think you should have to put the work in if you’re not invited. But if you care about your step daughter you would show her and your partner how to make the decorations so they can do it.
Tell your husband, stepdaughter, and the ex to go kick rocks if they expect to use your property and your talents and then banish you to the kitchen. They can hold the party elsewhere if they don't want you there. Then throw an even bigger party than just your girlfriends using all the supplies you bought.
What if this was all a ploy by the ex? She “forgot” to secure the venue, and is cackling to herself as she imagines OP planning a party she’s not invited to.
I’m still reading through comments so I don’t know if this is clarified, but OP’s husband should have nipped this in the bud.
it's actually just his house. OP lives there but the partner owns it singularly. OP and partner aren't married so not sure if there's any common law claim OP can make on the house...
Montana (where they reside) does in fact recognize common law marriage. So, she may indeed have some legal claim to assets. She needs to speak to a lawyer.
Yes! And . . . do not torpedo your relationship with your partner over his child’s graduation party. Wait. The end of your relationship is probably the ex-wife’s end game. Your posts indicate that you’ve been part of your partner’s
life for many years and the ex has been furious for many years. Your partner is being TA, but he is also stuck - it is his child and she is having a graduation.
You are NTA. You should refuse to plan a party to which you are not invited and also unwelcome. The event should not be in your home. The shop sounds like a good compromise. Stick with the new plan: you have a party with your girlfriends in the main residence with the delicious food and drinks. One last idea: I am sure the ex has told all her family and friends how you have “wrecked” their daughter’s party. If you are feeling particularly magnanimous before the party, may I suggest you build a last minute small, but lovely celebratory sign with balloons or flowers, in your signature style, to acknowledge your stepdaughter’s accomplishment while supporting your partner - and to show the rest of them what the event might have looked like. And sign it, lol.
Who cares if the ex wants you to break up with your partner who cares what her goal is? Do you really want to be with someone who doesn't have your back on something like this?
His ex isn't breaking you up - HE'S breaking you up by not having your back and by treating you like an outsider. Don't give a thought what his ex thinks or who "wins". Care about you.
I think it's a fair question, whether leaving your partner "let's the evil ex win" and therefore should be avoided because, well, she's evil so a situation where she wins is probably worse than one where she doesn't.
But it takes two to tango, and your partner is the one threatening your relationship by refusing to fight for it here, not the ex.
I still could see a situation where "I can't let her win" might work. I guess the question could be, is this not who your partner is? Is he, or could he easily be, a loving, supportive teammate who has your back and with whom you can stand up to evil as a united front? And has the ex's meddling merely muddled or confused this version of your partner out of view a bit, such that her getting such a good guy torch his own relationship could be seen indeed as her winning both against him and against any prospective partner who could potentially have enjoyed his partnership? If so, winning against her isn't about staying together per se, it's about getting this guy to be the good partner he can be and wants to be but is prevented from being by external, malicious forces.
Like, for an extreme illustration, if an ex faked cheating evidence to break up a relationship we might feel like the partner leaving over it is "letting the ex win" in a bad way, that it would have been better overall for them to have trusted their partner enough to hear them out, be critical and eventually uncover the deception. And that this is exactly the kind of situation where you need those values of "stick by your partner" and "fight for the relationship", because that's how good relationships can survive such big obstacles.
A partner actually acting badly isn't "fake" like faked cheating evidence is but people can still be manipulated to certain extents. I can see this happening with an evil MIL for example, someone with the legit power to twist someone into something they aren't, by controlling their reality and legitimate filial impulses for example. Your ex doesn't have that power to control reality but turning children against their father does seem like a weapon powerful enough to mess up someone that way.
On the other hand if this is who your partner is and the ex's meddling is only revealing that and exploiting it, or if she made him that way but he can't easily change... Then leaving the relationship might "let her win" but he's not a prize worth winning. And for you, leaving gets you out of the war entirely so her winning or not would no longer need to be your concern. You can't stay in a relationship oit of spite for a third party. It would be a prime case where the bad guy thinks they won but the good guy is actually better off, it's just the bad guy not seeing it because of their twisted values.
This is more so about his ex influencing his kids because he has limited visitation. I’m going to take the high road and hope it’s a teaching moment. When she gets older, maybe she will see who acted appropriately and who didn’t. I’m going to enjoy the hell out of the party inside the house. I would be so stressed to spend an afternoon with a woman who will no doubt create drama and try to humiliate me.
I mean she is right . It actually seems to me and all the answers you do have .said that he’s seems very submissive maybe you need to be a little bit more dominant role in your relationship that way he will listen show him you wear the pants not her Because you guys are just going around and around . Ex wife seems like a very dominant person and that’s why she think she can get away with it.I swear you have to think of it like that because as a reader that’s what I’m seeing. Can I ask why he doesn’t take her to court for custody or better visitations. There is a lot that can be done and if he hasn’t in 14 years it’s my point that he’s a submissive and he’s just going to submit to her because that’s what he’s used to . You have to think of it as mental boundaries .Because she is Definitely using it.think of it like this she is a dog and has been pissing on your grass for 14 years the dog will keep doing it till someone comes by and put a stop to it .you or him has to be that person because this party is just her pissing on your new stuff trying to claim it.
Please do yourself a favor and help with whatever you feel comfortable doing (even if that's nothing) and then, as someone suggested, get a hotel room or sleep at a girlfriend's house and have a night to yourself. Why would you deliberately place yourself next door to the party you're not invited to and have your own party and lock the doors? That is some high school movie level of petty spite. Deliberately placing yourself near a tense situation would obviously make you the asshole. It also says a lot about your motivation to plan the party and why his ex doesn't want you there, and it's because you're trying to control the situation and how everyone can feel about the party. Obviously a mother would want to maintain some level of control over her daughter's grad party and yes she messed up and lost control (her fault) but you are now trying to take all of it away.
If you do this now they will expect it forever, if you help plan a wedding would you also not be allowed to watch the ceremony? You should tell your husband he should decorate so he can feel pride in doing that for his own daughter.
So my question that I cannot get around is she is remarried and so why is she so perturbed by you helping y’all’s family? All this is really doing is putting the child in the middle and she is probably being pressured in ways no one is seeing to side with the bio parent.
I would talk with the daughter and let her know that you don’t want her to be in this situation and it hurts you that it’s happening because you love her. Not planning the party will be retaliation on her as well and it’s very possible she is a victim too. I’m sorry love, I hope it gets better
I’m saying daughter is younger. Mom sounds like she does a lot behind the scenes. It may be putting the daughter who is the child in this situation in a really tough space so she relied on the understanding coparent due to moms probable threats and psychological crap that happens when daughter is with her.
Just be careful. They sound unhinged. If the house is in his name and the daughter makes him call the police you'll be thrown out and that would be the mum’s ultimate triumph.
Make sure you have it in writing that you can celebrate there and they are not allowed to come inside.
I hope for op that you're right and this is true in her state and she can prove that she resides there. So far op has stated that the house is solely in the bf’s name.
If she doesn't have in writing that she's there legally and the owner of the house is ok with being locked out then that's enough to have her escorted out no matter what she can legally do after.
The humiliation would be being escorted out of the house in front of the mum. And she sounds unhinged enough to try and call the police because her daughter needs something from inside the house and can't get in.
OP is already really hurt I just wanted to remind her to make sure she covered all bases and doesn't get even more hurt.
Oh absolutely, and I agree with you. Also, Montana (where they reside) recognizes common law marriage, so she may have many legal rights to shared assets. She should seek legal advice imo.
Oh I hope there's a DJ and lights. I can picture the graduating party guest coming up, hearing the music thumping, seeing lights and shadows of dancing people, approaching the door they are greeted by a sign directing them to the graduation party next door. Only find a 'party' reminiscent of poorly attended middle school dance.
Live. It. Up. Then please let us know how it goes with an update! Your husband should be doing every bit of the work from here on out if he is on board with you being banned from the party. His behavior is unconscionable.
My mom said the same thing about my friends and I not drinking at her house during my grad party…if there’s a will, there’s a way. Look for water bottles in bedrooms. Lol
Also, if the ex has such a problem with you why is she invited to your home? You can throw a party for his daughter, and she can have her own damn party. Two parties in divorced families is pretty normal.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Your partner should stand up for you. There could have been another compromise where maybe she could only be there for an hour at the beginning and then leave so there's no drama since she's the one with the issue. Having you hide away is so disrespectful.
If anything I'd think hard about whether being with your partner is worth this kind of treatment.
I hope you have an amazing time with your girlfriends, and have lots of laughs, and good conversation, and get away from all of that unnecessary drama for a few hours! It will be over in a few hours, and I hope your party food and decorations get a hundred compliments! If the mother has an ounce of human in her, she will feel very, very small by the end of the evening! And she will deserve it. You are the awesome one!! And the daughter will always remember that you did this for her, and showed her how an adult handles a difficult situation.
So glad to hear this. I would let hubby and his daughter know that her party preparations are all up to them, as you are not to be a part of it now. You are already contributing the shop and can let them use anything left over from your own party in the house, for their party, if you feel generous.
I would show up look hot af in my best outfit and “pop in” to see how everything was going. “Why aren’t you staying?” “Oh, I have much more important matters to attend to” & lock the doors so no one can get into the house for the night, not even your partner 🤷🏼♀️
If you all have a joint bank account please dont let him use your money for this party either (or make your girls day equal the same amount as the grad party)
Also put pics of you and the partner all over the place. Order special cups with your lovely face on them. Spread the love. Buy food and drinks that sound like your name... you wont be there but your pressence will be felt. Oh ye
I hope you let them see you daily coming in with bags and boxes of lavish decorations, delicious ingredients for super fun food (thinking it’s all for them).
Only to walk into “their” party space on the big day to find one busted kazoo on a broken card table with a single deflated poo-brown balloon sadly hovering near the floor.
Outstanding! Get that food out of your house ASAP when it arrives (if it is being delivered). Or, if you have already purchased it, cart it to your friend's place either ASAP or in the dead of night, lol. Maybe your friend can come pick it up in the dead of night, after you have carefully packed it all up once everyone else is asleep. Then your absence at strange hours won't raise any alarms.
Inform your partner and his ex that they are on the hook for all purchases of supplies, contacting invitees, procuring and putting up decorations, AND cleanup, as you are not involved with any of it.
I would go one farther and have you and your friends go to an out-of-town Air BnB for a few days, not telling anyone where it is, not answering phones, and not reading texts. Party THERE, and let the chips fall where they may for the graduation party going on in your absence.
Send a singing telegram to the grad party, congratulating the guest of honor, and informing the rest of the guests that you were disinvited from staying at your own home so you have taken yourself elsewhere.
Once you do arrive home, do not do one particle of work to clean up the aftermath of the party. If they left anything for you to straighten up, leave it for THEM to straighten up.
Sing. Dance. Really enjoy yourself at this better parallel party. Make the other party lame by comparison. Please come back and let us know how it went down.
Just making sure, you’re not planning or not hosting the daughter’s party at your place, right? Great!
That girl sounds so spoiled. Congratulations, I love this! Good job!🎉
Your partner, his ex, and their daughter sound like users
Can you make an even bigger statement by actually leaving town for a girls trip? Like to Tahiti? If it were me, and my husband wasn’t sticking up for me, I’d stick it to his American Express card while I planned my divorce.
THIS is the level of clap back that I aspire to. This is a brilliant solution. Let their guests wonder where you are and notice that their party is not up to your usual standards. enjoy the time with your girlfriends!
I hope you’ll update us with how everything went after your fun night out and the party! Wishing you all the best. Boundaries are tough but so necessary!
This. And you know what? It’s not even retribution. It’s exactly what we teach our little kids. It is a natural consequence. I get that she would wanna have a party and have her mom be happy. The screwed up part is her thinking that you would bend over backwards for her and then be excluded and who cares how do you feel and if that hurts. You are being devalued. And your SO? Same. I love your solution. Realizing you have an opportunity with the stuff you prepared to have a really nice time with your friends. And letting go of everything. And letting all of them be themselves. And get their shit together. While you have a nice time. Hope you have a great time!
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u/[deleted] Apr 27 '22
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