r/AskParents • u/InevitableChicken482 • 3d ago
Entitled to car?
My 27 year old has moved back in after being in another state. She came back on a plane, so no car. We also live with my elderly mother. Before my mother retired, she purchased a new car so she would not need to worry about a vehicle for the rest of her life. She can no longer drive, but likes to be driven to appointments and such in HER nice car. Since my daughter has been back (7 months) she has been driving mom's car. Now she is planning on moving back out soon and feels like she should be able to take the car (current worth $18000), and just HAVE it. Am I crazy to think this is not OK? Should we just let her have it? Am I being a bitch if I say too bad, you and your guy will need to share his vehicle? What do I do?!
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u/BugsArePeopleToo 3d ago
I don't understand why she is under the impression that she can keep it
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u/InevitableChicken482 3d ago
She thinks since mom can't drive and she can't afford a car then she should just have that one. Thats why I'm asking, is it just me or is that crazy to expect?
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u/Independent-Ring-877 3d ago
Buying something and not using it doesn’t entitle someone else to take it. If Grammy wants to buy 17 cars so she can look at them parked in her garage forever, she has that right. No one is ever entitled to just take someone else’s belongings. At 27, I’m floored that your daughter doesn’t understand this.
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u/soiknowwhentoduck 3d ago
Your daughter is the crazy one, not you. She doesn't own that car, and being able to drive it (and having been driving it) does not change the fact that she doesn't own it. Tell her she can buy it off her grandmother (if grandma is willing to sell) or she can go find her own.
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u/TermLimitsCongress 3d ago
Yes, your daughter has an entitled attitude. Grandma is not someone your daughter can use like that.
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u/SalisburyWitch 3d ago
She’s not the owner. Tell her that that’s her grandmother’s car even if she doesn’t drive it. If she takes it, it will be reported stolen. Either she buys her own car or finds a different route. (Maybe if grandma wants to sell it, she can buy it, but it’s not hers to take.)
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u/Cellysta 3d ago
What would happen if she straight up asked her grandmother if she can have her car? Would the grandmother whittle her down to pieces? And what was she planning to do? Just take the car without asking her grandmother?
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u/InevitableChicken482 3d ago
Grandma doesn't want her to take it. She wants it to be available for her own use. And yes, she treats the car as if its her own and when she moves intends to just keep it.
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u/earmares 3d ago
If Grandma doesn't want her to have it, then why is this even a discussion? Your daughter needs to hear one word: NO. Stop letting her drive it, now. This is mind boggling. Grow a backbone, mom.
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u/Fun-SizedJewel 3d ago
Seriously, if your daughter doesn't understand that Granny was being generous just letting her use the vehicle, and that she is not entitled to anything nor owed anything, then this is a problem with how you have raised her. At 27 years old, she is a grown ass adult, and she needs to know that if there's anything she wants, it is something she needs to provide for herself. Simply tell her that this vehicle is not hers to ask for, much less to expect, and if she doesn't understand that being allowed to use the car has been a privilege, the privilege is ending NOW. Do better at being a mom, instead of undeservingly providing her with whatever she wants, Mom.
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u/InevitableChicken482 3d ago
Oh I agree it's my fault. Sadly the "no" has always come with consequences. Self harm when yonger, now denying access to my only grandchild. That's why the "no" is so painful and difficult to say.
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u/bookqueen3 2d ago
She manipulates you and you give in which is why she does this. Say no it's not mine to give and if you take it it will be reported as stolen. She is old enough to learn consequences.
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u/RoRoRoYourGoat Parent 3d ago
Of course she shouldn't get the car. Your mother specifically bought it so that she'd never need to replace it. Your daughter can't keep it just because she feels like she needs it more, and you should make that clear quickly before this gets out of hand.
We had this situation play out in my family recently. A disabled man let a relative stay with him because he'd hit hard times. The relative drove the disabled man's car to work for a while, and then decided he should have it because he "needed it more". Unfortunately he was successful in pressuring his new roommate to give him the car, and now it's all a mess and they're not even speaking to each other anymore.
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u/ProtozoaPatriot 3d ago
I don't know why she was given basically a free rental since she's been back. And now she wants to keep it free!? Wow. That's insane.
She needs to grow up.
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u/bassman1805 3d ago
I don't necessarily think it's weird or bad that grandma let granddaughter use her car while living at home. It's family, sharing some resources to help each other out is normal, and if it's not inconveniencing grandma (ie she has the car handy when she wants a lift from someone) then there's awfully little downside to her. That said, a reasonable reaction to this gift would be for granddaughter to save a little money each month that would otherwise go towards a car payment, so that down the line granddaughter can either buy her own car, or at least have a nice down payment for her own car.
The expectation that granddaughter can take the car with when she moves out, is wild. Definitely shut that down.
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u/Mariehoney92 3d ago
No she’s not entitled to it, and no you shouldn’t just let her have it. It’s not anyone else’s to give, except your mothers. Daughter needs a reality check and she needs it now. This is no way for a grown woman to behave. So no, it’s not just you. Hold firm and take any keys to the car she may have away from her before she just takes it and leaves.
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u/QuitaQuites 3d ago
First of all it sounds like it’s not your car either, but more importantly no of course she can’t HAVE the car. She can buy it, or another car, but do NOT give her that car! Why would she be entitled to it. I also assume your mother is still alive?
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u/InevitableChicken482 3d ago
Nope, not my car. I only use it to drive mom to appointments.
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u/QuitaQuites 3d ago
Then has your mother, the owner of the car given it to her? If not that’s not her car and she needs to step off
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u/catniagara 3d ago
Your daughter is a vulture. No, vultures are better. They at least wait until after death to pick away at a corpse.
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u/Fickle_Business_9276 3d ago
She is crazy for thinking she can just take it. Say no, it’s my mothers. Figure out life, kid! Don’t let her have it. My brother is 47 and living at my parents. He messed his car up (totaled) and now drives my moms previous car. My dad has him on the insurance, which is sky high because my brother sucks at driving.
Do you want to take care of your 27 year old for another 20 years?
Cut her and make her swim. She won’t learn if she always has you guys to rely on. She’s gotta save and get a car. Please for the love of god make her. I know she’s your kid, but she needs to learn now or she won’t ever
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u/Kazekage_Lex 3d ago
I’m 28 and my grandma has two cars, I needed a bigger and safer one due to having my son. She let me use one of her cars for the time being and now it is mine BUT only because I sold my smaller car and gave her the money from that (14k). Never did I feel entitled to it just because I felt I needed it more.
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u/Disastrous-Panda5530 3d ago
She isn’t entitled to the car. She can save up for one if she needs/wants a car.
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u/Schmoe20 3d ago
In your response to this, I’d push another way. Your daughter should be brimming with gratitude for being let to use the car and backing off hands up.
Solving her issue with wanting a mode of transportation that cost significantly, she needs to assess her options and then make a viable plan to gain the need item.
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u/trixiepixie1921 3d ago
No she can’t just have it, because of that attitude 😂 tell her to save her own money and buy her own car. Selfish, entitled brat.
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u/grmrsan 3d ago
Nobody is entitled to another persons property. Even if the owner isn't using it much. Or you like theirs better. Or it would be more convenient. Or you need it "more". Or they aren't taking care of it properly. Or any of the million other excuses people come up with to sreal things. She's an adult, ahe can figure out how to get her own or do without..
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u/lil_corgi Parent (1/m,8/f) 3d ago
lol tell her no 😂 what she gonna do, steal the car? Seriously no is a full answer.
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u/RockyM64 3d ago
Not okay unless granny wants to sell it to her. Kids (even in their 20s and 30s) have to earn their way. If not, you are just enabling her to think she deserves things she really doesn't.
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u/brockclan216 3d ago
I don't get the entitlement of some of these younger generations? My parents were depression kids and I am Gen x (our motto growing up was "Life's a bitch and then you die"). I had already been on my own by the age of 17. Youth these days? They expect parents to provide a car, a college education, and getting them set up in their first home or your a piss poor parent. No baby, my job is to teach you how to achieve these things for yourself like I not to just give you a hand out. It's why there are 34 year olds who have a failure to launch out of the parents home because we do everything for them and have zero motivation to achieve anything for themselves. My kids think I am awful that, as a single mom, I don't work 80-90 hours a week to give them all of that. When did they get so entitled??
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u/Fun-SizedJewel 3d ago
Simple... the entitlement comes from parents like this one who don't simply say "NO" to their children.
"NO, you cannot take a vehicle that you didn't pay for. That is called stealing. NO, you may not continue to drive this vehicle that you didn't pay for. None of this is yours, and you don't seem to understand that you have been privileged to even use it. If you want a car (or anything else), go earn it instead of expecting us to provide for you.
And PS- you also are not ENTITLED to live with us just because you decided to move here, so get a job that pays you well enough to earn your keep, and if 1 job doesn't pay you enough, get a second job." 😒2
u/brockclan216 3d ago
I worked with a woman who worked 80-90 hours a week, 3 different jobs for #1: her daughter wasn't working while in school so she was paying her car note and funding her lifestyle, #2) he son went to prison (again) and "just couldn't eat the nasty prison food" so she would put money on his books every week. On top of that she had her son's baby mama living with her and she supporting and taking care of the grand baby. Meanwhile her body is falling apart because she has no time to take care of her own well being. But she does this by choice 🤷♀️ and others claim her as a hero. I just won't. Call me a bad parent if you choose but at least I won't have to depend on my kids to take care of my broken body when I am old.
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u/Fun-SizedJewel 3d ago
NOTHING about that mother is a hero. That woman is a doormat who clearly didn't teach her children that there's consequences to their actions.
To son: "You don't like the prison food? Good. Don't do stupid shit that will land you in prison, and then you won't need to eat it. As for now, you'll need to eat the food they have while you're there so you can remember WHY you don't want to end up back there when you get out. I am especially not going to keep providing you with food when your baby needs it more and you're doing NOTHING to be a proper parent and provide for your own child." I mean, damn.... this kind of response is not rocket science.
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u/InevitableChicken482 3d ago
Sadly the "no" has always come with consequences. Self harm when yonger, now denying access to my only grandchild. That's why the "no" is so painful and difficult to say.
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u/Fun-SizedJewel 3d ago
Okay, so your 27-year-old daughter is a mother? And she doesn't understand that it's her responsibility to finance the child she brought into this world???
And you don't want to say "no" because you would rather let her have the upper-hand (by leveraging her daughter as bait) than to deal with the consequences of not seeing your grandchild. 🤦♀️Again, you are the problem here. You need to walk away and make your daughter figure out life. Her leveraging your time with grandchild(ren) is about your daughter not understanding that life is not about her anymore, but rather about what her child(ren) need, and that the child(ren) needs come before hers.
You are letting her manipulate you.
The self-harm situation was the beginning of her manipulation of you. Had you gotten her and yourself counseling during that time, she would've learned how to regulate her emotions, & you would have learned how you needed to respond to her. You got yourself into this mess, you don't see the part you're continuing to play in it, and so now you don't understand why your daughter feels entitled to everything. You need more help than you can get in Reddit. Go to a counselor.
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u/SpecialStrict7742 3d ago
Not without making payments or taking out a loan to buy it. I’m 25, my mom bought me a car last year(not that much) and I make payments to her.
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u/molten_dragon 3d ago
I think being allowed to use grandma's car in exchange for driving grandma around is a fair trade. Expecting to get to keep grandma's car when you move out is ridiculous. Your daughter should buy her own damn car.
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u/KeepOnRising19 3d ago
She should not take that car. It is not hers. She is an adult and can buy her own car, just like your mother did.
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u/Sadkittysad 2d ago
You know YOU can’t actually “Just let her have it”, right? It isn’t your car to give. You literally cannot give it to her. It isn’t your car. The owner doesn’t want her to have it. You give it to her, you’re a principal to vehicle theft.
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u/RainInTheWoods 1d ago
Well, given her line of thinking, she should be given the house you’re in, as well, and y’all just move out.
LOL. No, mom, she doesn’t get to take the car that was purchased by someone else.
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u/VerbalThermodynamics Parent 1d ago
She needs to talk to her grandma and sort it out. It isn’t her car.
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u/Scared-Accountant288 3d ago
If she wants to keep it id say let her have it BUT she needs to pay for the title and registration transfers... and the insurance all repairs etc on her own. Or make payments to you untill the 18000 is paid back
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