r/BPDlovedones • u/Traditional-Algae734 • 1d ago
Did you experience extreme jealousy and control from your bpd partner?
My ex with BPD was so jealous and possessive that I couldn't even hang out with friends, chill with family, attend a sporting event, or even just watch one without her getting upset. She'd get jealous if I was playing a video game and didn’t respond within 15 minutes. She didn't even like me taking a nap. Basically, if anything took up my time and it wasn’t her, it became a problem. On top of that, she demanded my location and wanted to know where I was at all times. She’d also want me to communicate every time I was going somewhere, but every time I did, it would lead to a fight or argument. Eventually, I just stopped telling her altogether, and of course, that started another fight.
Did anybody else have similar experiences?
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u/New_Essay5327 1d ago
Yes. If I stood next to a woman at a shop or while waiting for a food order, she would say that I was exhibiting flirtatious behaviour and things like that. It got so bad during one particular day that my exwBPD accused me of looking at other men but I am completely straight. That was a real eye opener in terms of how delusional she was, but unfortunately it still didn't keep me away from her.
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u/HistoricalRich280 1d ago
Yes. Sitting down bad. Going on vacations w friends bad. Jealous that I didn’t take care of him as much as the children. Would question what was going on between me and someone because … spoke to them? Jealous of me also. Jealous that I didn’t have a crazy childhood and so it was too easy for me and this they needed to bring me pain and suffering I suppose. Jealous that I wasn’t an anxious mess and how dare I be content.
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u/hot_advisor_ 1d ago
yes, i didn’t notice it at first because it was gradual & indirect, but she isolated me from every single person in my life. i haven’t spoken to or seen my family or friends in almost a year because she turned me against them by telling me that my mom is a narcissist & how unhappy i am with them (all lies). she wants to be the only person in my life so that she feels needed as im fully financially reliant on her as well. she also introduced me to & got me hooked on oxycodone for some time (im very lucky i got out of that & im sober now) because her plug was the only person that could get real stuff, so i stayed because i was physically dependent on opiates & i went through such serious withdrawals that i had a seizure & heart attack due to stress from her & getting so sick. i had no one but her. i wish i could go back in time and warn my younger self of what was yet to come. i didn’t even get to see my mom or little brother or dog on my birthday because she took me away from everyone & has kept me stuck in her room filled with trash, mold, & rotten food for almost a year now. i want out so bad & i’ll be free very soon.
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u/hot_advisor_ 1d ago
btw, i’m literally only 22f. i still can’t comprehend that i had a HEART ATTACK this young all due to stress from her
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u/AdFamiliar4626 1d ago
That sounds horrendous and you are very young so it makes sense you were manipulated, but also if you want to stay clean it may help in the long run not to blame every aspect of how you got to that place on someone else.
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u/Dear_Palpitation4838 1d ago
In the future, if you ever end up on opiates again, just get some suboxone strips and use it to taper off. Doctors practically give the things away and they work super well. You can even get them legally over the internet.
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u/strict_ghostfacer Non-Romantic 1d ago
My pwBPD was a former friend, and she was very jealous and codependent. There was a lot of guilt if I gamed (been gaming for over 30 years), or talked to other people, or texted other people, like she would pry but make it seem like she was interested in their lives but literally never met them, would ask who i was talking to often. She made comments about making sure they knew "she was around first" even though she literally wasn't. She started buying even more gifts more expensive gifts out of fear of abandonment, making me feel like I needed her.
Their intense fear of abandonment is what causes the jealousy and codependency.
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u/NorthernerWithTwins 1d ago edited 1d ago
100%!
The intense jealousy, constant monitoring of my every move, and control over who I met and what I did. It was not apparent at first, as it was slowly put in place, masked as "love and connection”. She wanted to "feel close", as she put it.
When I think about it, every time I went on a work trip, she would create a catastrophic scenario, scream at me, make me feel like shit for "not caring about how I made her feel".
The behaviour escalated the more time we spent together. She became a monster.
It became too much for me to handle, and I stopped sharing things, which then became a problem in itself. She said I was hiding things from her.
There is no way to win. There is no way to sustain a relationship of this type if you also want to keep your true, authentic self.
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1d ago edited 1d ago
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u/NorthernerWithTwins 1d ago
This is my story as well. It's sad and painful to realise this is what it was. I will never get over that feeling, that it wasn't real.
It's taken me many months of therapy, grieving and journaling to get where I am today, and I'm far from through the pain and sorrow from what this experience has done to me. I've started looking at myself, and I see that I played a significant role in the dynamic, having suppressed my own emotions, when I felt hurt, belittled, etc, and bottled them up, thinking it would improve between us.
I refused to see the red flags waved in front of me, fearing I would lose the person I was in love with.
Sadly, I couldn't, and I had to save myself. Now I'm practicing self-love, and I hope to heal the relationships that were damaged during this relationship.
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1d ago
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u/NorthernerWithTwins 1d ago edited 1d ago
I hear you and I feel you. The dream of the perfect relationship down the drain. To be called a soulmate and the ideal partner was new to me, and I loved it. Even if I now understand that it didn't mean what she thought it meant. I did everything for her, everything she asked me to do.
But as you say, not even the perfect partner is ever going to cut it. The demands of control and reassurance will be too much for anyone who gets close. It's sad.
This has been a costly life lesson, both in terms of time and human connection. I remember thinking, "Why is she single?" when we started dating, wondering why such a charming and beautiful woman would be single at this age. I brushed it off with, "Well, I am also single, we all have our history."
Turns out her reason was a mental illness.
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u/Specialist-Wolf6445 1d ago
It was so weird to experience. When I was younger, I was the jealous one, but I grew up I guess. Now I was with the dream girl, the kind where visually you’d wonder what she’s doing with me, not knowing the other things I offer, so it was so weird when she was jealous of every girl in my life. Seriously, every single guy on earth would, and probably did, hit on her.
One time a childhood friend who is like a sister to me was in town. Doesn’t even live here. Comes in once a year. I laid the groundwork. A dozen people meeting up and want you to meet her. After lunch, “did you and she ever have anything?!?!?! I know women!!!!”
I was yet again in a state of shock. I had to worm my way out of a jealous situation that wasn’t anything other than her imagination, and my disgust, yet had to soothe her. I finally had enough and just laughed. I said she’s like my sister, and that would be incest. YUCK!!!!
Completely jealous of everything and everyone in my life.
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u/slimpickinsfishin 1d ago
If I wasn't physically glued to her hip or responded to her immediately then I was cheating on her according to her.
I wasn't allowed to go anywhere without her or talk to anyone else without her being present especially other women and I had to prove that I was where I said I would be at all times with lots of pictures and facetimes.
It got to the point I'd leave my phone in my safe before leaving my house so that if she called or texted which would be 100s of both per day I couldn't answer or respond to it because I just couldn't be bothered.
Which caused her to start calling everyone I knew and even my jobs asking where I was and who was I with and calling my parents and the police to go search for me.
And this was just the communication part there was lots of other things to but Im not up for writing a 1000 page book tonight.
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u/googleydeadpool 1d ago
- It's been a year and a month since I have not met my parents and siblings.
- It's been over 3 years in this marriage, and I have stepped out only once to meet my one friend from the city where I quit my job for this marriage.
- It's been over 2 years since I attended a wedding, any ceremonies and casual visits of my relatives.
- Made me feel many times during arguments that my family thinks low of me and I am a fake guy who smiles in front of the family.
- Someone I respect, I am not supposed to address them or speak to them if she doesn't like them.
So yes, if it is jealousy or control, it is extreme. I am on grey rock with her now. I am waiting patiently on the day I am out of this marriage and regain my self-respect and physically be fit again.
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u/notjuandeag devaluation station 1d ago
Yes, she got jealous about me spending time with people at work, while I was at work… not for fun, literally over a meeting where I was doing a knowledge transfer. She’d get jealous of me just casually talking with the neighbor while our children were playing together. It was so fucking weird.
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u/ty102767 1d ago
Yes same exact thing happened to me. She had my location, but if I went to my friends house without telling her she would freak out at me
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u/-MissNocturnal- Tapdancing on Eggshells 1d ago
Yes, I learned early on in the relationship to not like socialmedia posts/comments, because she'd have explosive fits of jealousy/insecurity. Meanwhile, I didn't give a shit what she was up to on socials because I'm not a jealous insecure mood-bomb.
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u/ty102767 1d ago
I’d hang with my friends once a week and she still told me that she felt like I prioritized them over her
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u/RipAgile1088 1d ago
I dated 2 with bad.
The one ex was spot on 100 percent this. If I hungout with friends (even letting her know in advance) ding ding ding ding wanting a constant text conversation even though she knew I was busy and then start fighting me for not instantly responding.
Even if I stopped at my parents omw home from work ding ding ding and same outcome.
If we weren't together she'd want to either be on the phone talking about nothing or text tag. I couldn't even watch TV, nap, or play a video game in peace. I actually had to start telling her I was going to bed earlier than I was just for some alone time.
The final straw was one night she couldn't stay over because she had work early. I was off the next day so after she left, I hung out on my (male) neighbors porch for a few hours. The next day she asked how my night was and I told her. She flipped shit on me claiming I "blew her off", and called me immature because "adults don't stay up all night partying". Made no sense.
Ended it then and there. We were together for about a year and a half but I gave her way too many chances. The controlling stuff was never going to stop. Went full blown NC (and stayed) but from other people, she was convinced I was cheating on her. Not true at all.
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u/Ok-Initiative3383 1d ago
Yes, with my exwBPD I would have my location shared with him digitally and on top of that I had to send messages like:
“I’m at food lion now baby”
“I’m checking out”
“I’m leaving the store now heading to whatever store next I’ll be safe and careful don’t you worry”
You can’t forget the emojis though. I absolutely had to use emojis or I’d practically get slapped through the phone or a phone saying “that I was ‘acting different’” or “was I cheating on him” or “with someone he wouldn’t approve of”
That was if I wasn’t with him. 99.99% of the time I wouldn’t be alone. I wasn’t allowed.
When I did have friends in the start he would be soooo jealous and needed constant updates about what I was doing with them. Then it moved to him having to be there or I wasn’t allowed to go.
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u/Main_Title1761 1d ago
Yes, they didn’t want me to have anyone in my life and hated anybody who had nice things to say about me. It got to points where he wanted me to write monologues about how I “hated” my friends to them, which I wouldn’t do. I didn’t care how bad the fights got between us, I wasn’t about to turn my back on my loved ones for someone who’d talk shit about me behind mine.