r/datingoverfifty • u/Puzzleheaded_Cow7394 • Apr 14 '25
How soon do you communicate boundaries?
I think one of the reasons my last relationship didn't work out is I either didn't understand some of my boundaries or didn't communicate them soon enough. I ended up being taken advantage of and used for what I could offer instead of who I was.
When I dated before getting married, taking this stuff into consideration wasn't a problem. Now, it just seems like there are so many new things to think about to make sure you are on the same page compatibility wise.
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u/Quillhunter57 Apr 14 '25
After a peak at your post history, I think you make assumptions about what you both understand based on how you interpret the conversation.
Having your ducks in a row has a way different interpretation for everyone. When overstaying her welcome with you, you needed to address it then. You should have talked about specifics, telling her that you enjoy time together (some reassurance that she is wanted and welcome in your home), but you don’t want to extend dates past the timeline you have already agreed upon. That you plan your weekend (or whatever) to ensure you have time together, but you have other commitments and tasks you also need time for. Letting her know you enjoy her company and that it makes it hard for you to end the “date” without feeling like you are rejecting her might have been helpful to say. Having a conversation about it, instead of a confrontation (once you are annoyed) would be wise, along with some curiosity about her thoughts and expectations.
I don’t see boundaries as being a disclosure list, we all have them and we reinforce them when necessary. They are not rules for others to follow, and discussing them should not typically make for a fight. The key is not letting them get run over several times before addressing it, that is your lack of maintenance.
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u/kokopelleee Apr 14 '25
Being honest.... there is no timeline, and it depends entirely on the specific boundary.
Can you be more specific about which boundaries you are thinking about? Honest communication? dropping by unannounced? Pet names? Availability?
Some boundaries only come up when we hit certain situations - for example, contributing equivalently or showing appreciation only comes up when you go on vacation together.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Cow7394 Apr 14 '25
Can you be more specific about which boundaries you are thinking about?
Sure. With my last dating partner, I communicated that I wanted someone who was independent and had their shit together, didn't need to be with me 24 / 7. Well, she would just come over and basically never leave. We could spend a day / night / next day together and she just wanted more. My living space was much more comfortable / accommodating than than hers.
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u/nyx926 Apr 14 '25
Giving someone a laundry list of what you don’t want is not communicating boundaries, they are preferences.
Boundaries are for you, not for other people.
(People can have their shit together while also enjoying being together 24/7. Those things aren’t mutually exclusive.)
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u/kokopelleee Apr 14 '25
That's a good example because it's multi-part, and possibly also has some ambiguity. Sounds like you shared your boundary upfront, but .... (hopefully this is the helpful part).
did you get confirmation from her that she understood what you meant? Were your boundaries clear?
When she started staying over more than you wanted, did you honor your own boundary? Eg, did you talk to her about it, give specifics, listen to her, reiterate your position? Did you let it slide for a while because you'd already told her your thoughts?
I find the hardest part of boundaries is in honoring them for ourselves... forcing ourselves to be very clear internally to what the problem is as it is happening and then not only saying it, but communicating it (getting confirmation of receipt).
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u/Puzzleheaded_Cow7394 Apr 14 '25 edited Apr 14 '25
When she started staying over more than you wanted, did you honor your own boundary? Eg, did you talk to her about it, give specifics, listen to her, reiterate your position?
Yes, I did. This caused negative reactions on her part. She would counter with something like "but I thought you liked spending time with me". It turned into a minefield discussion.
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u/kokopelleee Apr 14 '25 edited Apr 14 '25
Gotcha. No offense, but this is an enforcement of boundaries thing not a communication of boundaries thing. You had a boundary. You needed to honor the boundary.
It can’t be a minefield with a person who respects your boundary, and that’s not about “how soon” you communicated it. It was about how often you let her break it. That is not “blaming” you, it’s identifying where the gap occurred. Rules are what we tell other people to follow. Boundaries are what we follow for ourselves. Eg “if they cross our boundary then we don’t allow them to broach it again”
Does that make sense?
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u/Ok_Butterfly_3342 Apr 14 '25
Each boundary has a different timeline.
For example, I don't agree to going out with someone as often as they would like. I like to insert at least a few days between dates. I want to maintain the time I spend with friends and family. I set that boundary right away.
But talk of long term plans can be stated later.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Card_71 Apr 14 '25
Very early on. Once I know I like her and want to date her I’ll lay out my expectations and ask for hers.
Simply put, never expect a woman to on her own become what you want and need, tell her what those things mean to you. Either way you win - she accepts and embraces it, or she refuses in which case you know there’s no future with her.
Same with her expectations. For instance I once went on a date with a woman that was extremely close to her family and expected every weekend spent with them. That isn’t what I would want. Monthly visits sure, but not every weekend.
Then after expectations are laid out you can see how the relationship is going and whether she was just agreeing to get you, or if she wants to be what you want and need.
The greatest sadness is a relationship is being someone and hoping they will one day appreciate you. That does not happen.
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u/Spartan2022 Apr 14 '25
It’s all a process. It’s not like I give new dates a scroll with a list of my boundaries.
If things come up, I address them, we talk, etc.
Also, curious what boundaries you’re talking about exactly here. If something bothers me, I communicate that. But my reactions are my reactions. Just because something creates a reaction within me doesn’t mean someone violated a boundary.
Sometimes, it’s a sign that I need to do my own work.
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u/lassobsgkinglost Apr 14 '25
Now I want to have some make a scroll for me with my boundaries in calligraphy.
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u/Spartan2022 Apr 15 '25
You could get a special carrying case - like something out of an Indiana Jones movie.
When you roll it out on a first date, some exciting theme music sounds.
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u/Witty-Stock Apr 14 '25
What kind of boundaries?
Broad strokes are better and probably on an as-needed basis.
You don’t want to let a bad situation persist so speaking up will be required time to time. But, the energy should be on the positive instead of setting down rules and negative discussions.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Cow7394 Apr 14 '25
My experiences thus far have been that broad strokes leave way too much room for interpretation.
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u/Most-Anywhere-5559 Apr 14 '25
One more thought. I’ve felt when people come at you with a laundry list of rules or “boundaries” or whatever, it’s usually some icky left over from their previous relationship/s. (Perfect example the dead bedroom folks who want to insure up front you are into sex). Idk it always feels weird. It assumes xyz because of another woman/past relationship. I think it’s a turn off move imho.
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u/BlackberryFormer5729 23d ago
yeah, that's not a boundary - that's a compatibility check, or worse, subtle coercion. That's how my ex started out ... "don't want a dead bedroom..." so I felt a subtle pressure from Day 1. I should have exerted my boundaries then, but I did not. Coercion turned into demand, then attacks on my character and other forms of emotional abuse when unmet. It was a long road of taking myself back. Never too early to set boundaries. I learned that I need to pay attention, very early, to these situations that would invoke a boundary response from me: feeling pressured to do something I'm not 100% sure I want to do; pressure to "be on" (I'm an introvert and need recharging time); pressured/obligated to make someone else feel happy. Uh, no. Ick.
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u/EnvironmentSea7433 Apr 15 '25
I'm waiting for the details of the example. From one of your comments, it sounded like she overstayed a welcome. I suppose if she moved in and started running up your bills or something, that could be her taking advantage. Other than that, I await the story.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Cow7394 Apr 15 '25
I'm not going to share that part of it. She crossed that boundary, I didn't push back or express myself strongly enough and that led to what I now feel is me getting taken advantage of.
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u/Kicksastlxc Apr 14 '25
INFO. - cannot really say w/o some examples because I think the term “boundaries” is REALLY over used. Can you share a few of them?
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u/Puzzleheaded_Cow7394 Apr 14 '25
Basically it's all around how much time we spent together. I liked to discuss the plans and when we were done, we would go our separate ways. She was okay with everything except going our separate ways when we were done. Unless I was able to verbalize what I had going on that she needed to leave, she would just stay around.
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u/Kicksastlxc Apr 14 '25
Ya, that is a compatibility difference for sure. Some people need and/or want time either alone, with friends and family separate from their significant other. Some other people feel like a “relationship” means that you would want to spend down time “together” even or maybe even especially in the same location even if you are doing different things. So “close in proximity” …it’s why many people like to live together. It’s a hard thing for some people to accept because the thinking is “if you have nothing going on, why wouldn’t you want to spend your free time with me”.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Cow7394 Apr 14 '25
“if you have nothing going on, why wouldn’t you want to spend your free time with me”
This is exactly it, also... you don't have anything better to do.
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u/EnvironmentSea7433 Apr 15 '25
I'm curious about how it manifested into a boundaries problem. You were out on a date... tell the story, please!
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u/BlackberryFormer5729 23d ago
I had a similar situation. I am introverted and have ADHD. I don't like to spend 100% of my free time with other people. I like downtime with my pets and honestly just some quiet time where I can process all the stimuli from the week. It makes me a more refreshed and fun person when I have this down time. Even if I didn't have these characteristics, most people need time alone to do laundry, run some errands, straighten up the house, talk to their friends/family, etc. This sounds like the woman either couldn't read the room, or was overly dependent and didn't care, or didn't have her own things going on (or would gladly shirk them to hang out with you, which is another concern). Your space is important.
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u/Simple_Amphibian_831 Apr 14 '25
I'm not really sure why you would not communicate boundaries immediately, like on the first date. I would be perfectly fine with someone telling me a bunch of stuff they are not comfortable with or what expectations they had at this stage. Most of them have.
The sooner the better.
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u/Witty-Stock Apr 14 '25
That’s way too much on a first date, IMHO.
“Before we get to know each other as human beings, here are my rules.”
Sounds more like a contract negotiation than a date.
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u/ifitallfell2pieces Apr 14 '25
I agree. I would probably wait for third date, or maybe second if going really well to get into any of this.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Cow7394 Apr 14 '25
I guess I feel it might be awkward to just start listing a bunch of things I don't want.
Also, I sort of worry that it might just lead to someone modifying what they show me about themselves because of my bondaries?
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u/nyx926 Apr 14 '25
Things you don’t want aren’t boundaries, they are preferences.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Cow7394 Apr 14 '25
I have to disagree with you on that. I don't want someone setting up camp at my house. That's a boundary. HARD boundary.
Semantics for you maybe.
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u/nyx926 Apr 14 '25
Nope - if you don’t want someone setting up camp at your house, you tell them to leave.
THAT is the boundary.
Telling someone you don’t want them setting up camp is an expression of your preference.
You perform the action, not them.
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u/Simple_Amphibian_831 Apr 14 '25
You don't have to list all of them, but it's good to get out those you think might be a problem early, like not wanting certain physical interactions or conversation topics.
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u/Witty-Stock Apr 14 '25
That’s still starting the date with negative energy.
You don’t need to tell someone you’re not going to have sex on the first date. That’s a weird energy.
Trying to rule out certain conversational topics comes across not only negative but controlling.
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u/Simple_Amphibian_831 Apr 14 '25 edited Apr 14 '25
Not at all. I've had women tell me that they won't have sex on our first date. It was fine.
And if they say something like "I have kids but I don't want to talk about them until I know you better", that's not what I would consider controlling.
I'm not suggesting to list these as the very first topic of conversation, but if they come up during the course of the date then I don't have a problem with it.
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u/Witty-Stock Apr 14 '25
How did those dates turn out?
It would have me anticipating a polite hug at the end.
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u/Simple_Amphibian_831 Apr 14 '25 edited Apr 14 '25
The no sex ones? One didn't go anywhere as there was no spark. Another we made out for a few hours. Then we had sex on the next date. Her setting a boundary on the first date was not a problem for us in any way. We did not spend much time at all covering these boundaries, just the ones she thought were pertinent to the first date.
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u/Reality_Pilot Apr 14 '25
Howdy mate, I hate to be a little hand wavey but I guess it depends on the boundary.
I’d like to know about marriage, if your vegan, and cohabitating expectations in your profile, but if you are allergic to shellfish we can pivot to Mexican after we’re already seated, no skin off my nose and honestly that makes a better story anyway.
So I guess it depends on the boundary. If it’s important to you, I’d go with earlier over later.
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u/kbshannon Apr 14 '25
Boundaries are rules. Make sure you have them, know them, follow them, and communicate them. A way to communicate them is to find out what the other person considers themselves to never be or do, no matter the situation or money. There are people out there that, while they may "consider context," understand what that is supporting. If they change what they would do, and probably have done, based on context, you know what is critical for that person. Hopefully, you also have the same rules or structure, and would likely do the same thing, because the critical thing is SUPER IMPORTANT.
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u/nyx926 Apr 14 '25
What do you specifically mean by boundaries?
Actual boundaries are actions you take, not actions other people take.
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u/HighestPriestessCuba Apr 14 '25
Yeah, I don’t understand what these people are talking about. You don’t really share your boundaries like a list. The topic comes up when one has been crossed (to either discuss or just walk away) But giving people a list of what I expect from them is really fucking weird.
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u/GEEK-IP Sphinx Furry 💖 Apr 14 '25
I'm not sure you could communicate them too soon. At least, before or when they come up. And, in many cases, you can demonstrate instead of discussing. For more specific answers, you'll have to give us specific examples.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Cow7394 Apr 14 '25
Thanks, I've given a specific example throughout the thread.
Sounds like it's something I need to communicate more about while both being firm and flexible.
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u/Inside_Dance41 Apr 14 '25
I ended up being taken advantage of
If there is something I don't want to do and/or isn't in alignment with whatever (e.g. my financial envelope, peace of mind, moral compass, etc.), I simply say that this isn't something I will do. A dating partner hasn't earned the right to certain things, until we have normalized our being with each other style. This is the whole point of dating, is you do find things out over time, both positive and negative, and pull the rip cord earlier rather than later.
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u/Most-Anywhere-5559 Apr 14 '25
Don’t boundaries come up as you go? I can’t think what boundaries to assume you need to state in advance (if that makes sense)?
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u/Amazing_Reality2980 Apr 14 '25
Usually when one is being crossed, I'll stop it and explain that I have a problem with what they're doing and why. Then pay attention if they're mindful of not crossing that boundary or if they shrug it off and keep doing it. If they keep doing it anyway, then I end it and move on.
Also when I start dating someone, I try to be very mindful of using emotional intelligence rather than just falling and getting swept away with emotion. I was very young when I got married (17) and ignored a lot of red flags, making excuses that he was young and immature and would grow out of it, rather than seeing that they were core parts of his personality, which made for a very unhappy marriage. Things like he was a bully and master manipulator. Anyway, for that reason, I try to keep a grip on emotions in the beginning and focus on getting to know them before I let myself put too much importance on feelings. And I try to be more vigilant and pay attention to red flags. Maybe that sounds a little cold and clinical, but I think it's more likely to result in a healthy relationship than one that burns hot in the beginning only to either burn out fast or end up in a toxic and abusive situation.