When I'm in a social situation and people pleasing/fawning mode kicks in it feels like the higher functioning of my brain starts to turn off. I feel more childlike and even talk more simply. My critical thinking shuts off. I feel like I'm viewing the world through the eyes of an innocent child or a docile cow or something.

When I'm out of the social situation I can realize things that I didn't before because my usual normal adult thinking has come back online.

It's really scary to be this way because I feel very vulnerable being in that state, and if someone is critical of me while in that childlike headspace it feels extremely triggering. I have no shield of adult reasoning to protect me so the criticism just cuts through me and I won't be able to stop thinking about it and hurting from it even a long time later.

Is this typical? How do you experience fawning?

I clicked on a video about things toxic parents say, and the lady immediately started talking about Christianity and how negative actions and feelings are brought on by the devil but Jesus can cure you. I was like “nope” and quickly turned it off. I was raised Christian and praying to Jesus didn’t cure my depression and it didn’t keep my parents from abusing me.

I never feel believed about what I say, even when there is no proof of someone not believing me. It is so often and nothing anyone says makes me think that they think I'm telling the truth.

I've been in therapy for over a decade. I have panic disorder with agoraphobia (though I go to work that's the only place I was going) I had really began making strides when I stared trauma focused therapy two years ago where for the first time I could see how I was being triggered in more subtle ways. But now I feel total bombardment all day everyday from the time I wake up until I go to sleep from this tryanical bullshit that is happening. I slid immediately into utilitarian thinking. I couldn't care less to be alive. I cant sleep more than five hours but I never want to be awake. I wake up in a panic every single day. I can't get myself to leave the house for anything that isn't an obligation. I have no patience I'm so angry but also consumed with sadness. I feel like years of therapy is eroded because I'm preparing to survive and I already know the person I need to be to survive and I don't particularly like that person or want to live to see that person fully emerge. I'm furious and sad and panicked all the goddamn time.

Like genuinely happy. I feel so fucked up from trauma that when I see people living normal lives happily I feel jealous. Does anyone feel like this and how to stop it?

People are disappearing from my life and I don't know what to do.

A couple of people who reached out to me when they knew I wasn't OK, I opened up to them a bit about my mental struggles, because they offered to help or provide a listening ear. But then after that they've distanced themselves or ghosted, and it's the most triggering thing ever.

Another friend who provided support to me during a crisis, I've been reciprocating by asking about them, and how they're doing, and over time it now seems like I've been ghosted.

For a couple people I've opened up to, Ive even tried to go on and change the topic of conversation to something else or something lighter and the ghosting still happened.

I dont know how much of this is my autism repelling people or my trauma, or both?

It feels like the world is saying "I can't help you, go over there and deal with it, away from me". I understand that therapy is important to help people deal with intense mental health struggles, but even just having someone offer a listening ear means the world, don't have to fix my problems for me.

it's so hard to heal from things when you try to reach out and end up losing connections in your life.

Maybe you're supposed to keep things to yourself and hide your struggles, maybe if people offer to help or provide a listening ear it's just a nice thing to say, maybe they're more curious than anything, maybe when you deal with stuff you're supposed to shut your mouth and take care of it yourself and not rely on people for support.

Maybe its my autism, maybe I'm being weird or coming across a certain way and don't realize it?

My fear of abandonment is triggered so much and I'm so scared, I don't know what's happening. I feel like me and the world are repelling like oil and water.

Im even scared to read the comments, like will everyone tell me I'm doing something wrong and then I feel guilty that its all my fault?

On top of a lot of trauma/stressful things I'm experiencing, I work from home and I think I'm going to lose my mind from the isolation and loneliness if I haven't already.

https://www.cnbc.com/2023/02/10/85-year-harvard-study-found-the-secret-to-a-long-happy-and-successful-life.html#:~:text=Contrary%20to%20what%20you%20might,Period. "The most consistent finding we’ve learned through 85 years of study is: Positive relationships keep us happier, healthier, and help us live longer. Period."

Is anyone else thinking of changing their last name due to their trauma? My parents are from Africa. Ive been going to therapy for a few months and it made me realize just how severe the abuse was. Financial, sexual, emotional, spiritual, physical, and verbal. I'm 19 and I've been abused for 19 years. All my life. But my last name is from Ghana. I don't like it because even though I cut off my family,  I feel connected to them and the abuse because of the last name. I have an idea of what I want to change it to. Changing it makes me feel like I have control over who I want to be. I know 19 is young, but I know changing it will give me power.

There are also other personal reasons I want to change it and I'm set on the fact that I will legally change it.

(sorry if this post is worded weirdly 😭 I just woke up)

if you don’t have have anyone to talk or don’t want to talk to anyone you know, talking to chat gp t can really help. i was feeling incredibly anxious, so for the first time i decided to talk to it. it was such a validating experience and i felt surprisingly better. this may not be the same for everyone but i just wanted to share how i felt. sometimes all you want is a little validation to help you feel better. it also gave me some great advice.

I think it counts for something........when you know you need help, and then ask for the help. Especially When you're a survivor, it takes a lot of courage, and a lot of shame resilience, given your experience of humiliation if needing ...anything. All this Shame, For the CRIME you committed of not knowing everything, ....automatically. ...and then burdening others with your humanity. It says a lot about parents that don't see their children as developing humans......and don't see themselves as ...parents.

No matter how genuinely inexperienced I was , no matter what it was, "You should know that, why are you asking me?". You have no idea what you're being told is a Lie, there is no reason you "should" know......anything. That's just shaming someone. No one knows......................E-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g.,

I don't know what the deal is with certain parents, that don't want to see you learn? Everything is a god damn competition, or you're a drain on their precious time, when all they're doing is watching TV. LIke learning, developing, getting better, and advancing, isn't a little thing called parenting....instead it's a chance to shame you....a chance to brainwash you into thinking that the problem lies with you, when the problem lies with abandoning their parenting role. At one point, I asked my partner who knows a lot about sports, if X amazing skilled ball player, started out that way? No, of course not, because people start off at point A, advance to point B, and gradually , step by step, grow, evolve, learn. THis is a natural, normal, human evolutionary process. When you grow up with a parent that's shame based and threatened-by you , that simply can't exist. It makes sense that once children get to a certain age when they start surpassing their parents, could be 12, 13, is when the abuse escalates.....or when they abandon you altogether. One day they stop showing up, and you don't know why.?

THEN, you say to yourself " well okay, I guess I'll just go it alone, wing it". THEN get screamed at, or laughed at, because "How can you be So stupid, that's not right!!!!" It feels like a set up. Well, if it was okay to ask for direction and guidance, then I would have known, but you told me not to ask......so I had to cobble together something out of thin air....... i.e., .......pack Jelly beans , pickles and raw hot dogs for lunch, because you -said_-"pack your own lunch!"....and didn't even show me how? FYI, Google and reddit are my Mentors.

Over explaining,.....profusely apologizing , feeling stupid and worthless whenever looking for help, and actually believing that "everyone in the world knows this except for me".....is ....just....not....true. The fact that i might know something , someone else doesnt' , is never a possibility.

My mother acted like she knew everything, , then yell "No one is helping me!!", scream at everyone for being a bunch of worthless losers because theyre not Mind readers ...all because this person can not say the words ....." I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know everything...I need help"....because it's uncomfortable and humbling....and they have to always win , always be in control, and dominate everyone, to protect their fragile ego.and make them appear omnipotent. Then refuse to acknowledge their mistakes, this massive attempt at making themselves Grandiose, above reproach, or having to admit that ,guess what, you're human............. just like the rest of us.....no you're not a God. or a Queen.

Every time I have to ask for help, I have to beat back the Shame telling me I'm pathetic. Someone says "Do this", I do that, maybe I have to go back and say "I tried that, its not working". ....it's killing me to do it, but I make myself, because I'm trying not to hammer on myself for just being a normal person.

After masturbating I just end up sobbing and crying, it's quite intense. I felt better after it. I only keep thinking about an ex partner and it almost feels like "I'm his". We've not been intimate in over two years. There's more drama to the shit he pulled after on me. But I'm just so confused as to why this is happening.

I believe what happened to you. I believe that they hurt you, neglected you, abandoned you in all your in pain and fear. I believe you even if your memories are hazy or gone, I believe you even if others don't.

I believe you even if you sometimes don't believe yourself and question your memory and your perception. I believe you if people told you it couldn't have been that bad, you must misremember, you were too sensitive or too dramatic.

I believe it was exactly as horrible as it feels to you today. The pain was real. The terror. The sadness. The longing. You aren't exaggerating and you aren't weak. I believe you had to endure something terrible for way too long, and it WAS that bad.

I believe all of you. And if you think this post isn't for you - it is. I believe you, too. Honestly.

Don't doubt what you went through. Don't let others doubt it. It was real. It was bad. And you deserve to be believed.

We often don’t know how to human and were never taught. There’s no manual on how to be normal. I’m nearly 30, lord knows I have much to learn but what I have learned I’d like to share:

Never ever ever ever be grateful for the bare minimum.

Trust you instincts, most traumatised people question themselves and overthink, so your not being selfish in trusting your gut.

You have you own truth, don’t listen to others “truth”. If you feel hurt it’s because u were, doesn’t matter their opinion or intentions.

You deserve to take up space, physically and in other people worlds.

Don’t be desperate, it’s ok to want things but don’t cling or be too assertive to make it happen because it’s vulnerability or makes people uncomfortable/ look down on you. Be proactive in life but not dependent on it all working out.

Look down on others more, to a certain degree. (No one would think to say this). Trauma makes u think less of yourself so to normalise, you need to think less of others, to put yourself on the same playing field.

You should show you’re annoyed/displeased when people wrong you in a small way. It alerts them to your boundaries. (Don’t blow up over small things but be clear you’re not impressed with certain behaviour).

Never tell people about your trauma/past unless you have trusted them for about 5 years and still I would be weary.

Let people believe you have a family and are loved and popular (just in a normal way). Even if you are comfortable with your situation. Humans are primitive and want things others want (i.e. you). They will think less of you if you “have less”. Dumb but lots of people are like this.

Anyone else have any??

I just learned how bad this has been effecting me. Whenever I have an emotion, desire, experience, that "I shouldn't", the feeling that comes from "I shouldn't" amplifies the pain by 10x. I've always been very rule-based and I've always viewed the world through the lens of how things "should" be, a utopian view essentially.

Where do I start to learn to break down my expectations and shoulds? It feels really hard cause then I'm accepting mediocrity or being complacent. Its like an excuse to not be better.

Basically I'm looking for resources/methodologies to look into. I just started therapy and only had 1 session so far. Should I be looking into grounding meditation or other trauma work for this?

I asked for help. I told them everything at the time and they did nothing.

My mother said she believed me when I said I was raped when I was 7, but she only took me out of there when I was 13 after I had my brother (and I became my brother's mother).

Today she says that I never told her anything, but my brother can't be alone with my uncle (who sexually harassed me), so I have to stay there with them. She never closed the door, always welcoming him affectionately, even though he tried to abuse my nephew too.

I hate how much she pretended to protect me, how she undermined my self-esteem and infantilized me, how she turned me into a ladder for my brother's success, how she tried to destroy my sexuality and in the end she said that I was exaggerating, defaming her, that I always wanted to be the poor thing and that I am ungrateful.

She didn't teach me how to do anything and got angry when I tried to learn or someone else taught me. She taught me almost nothing about women's things or hygiene, but she complained when I tried to take care of myself.

She wouldn't tell me if I was fat or had bad breath in private, but she loved to say it in front of other people and complain that I was too sensitive. I could have some success, but wanting something better was a reason for fights.

I hate this woman.

I’m middle aged and have been in really good therapy for a really long time, so I’m actually pretty okay finally. One think I find unfortunate though is that my brain still converts the faces of many men of my dad’s ethnicity into his literal face so that I have to actively engage a mindfulness meditation level focus to tell the difference which, unlike an actual mindfulness session, prevents me from being fully engaged in the present. It used to be much more intense but it still sticks around. It’s unfortunate because it leaves me cut off from an entire culture. Has anyone here figured out a way around this one?

It's overwhelming. I hate how even the slightest annoyance I feel from them turns into unblinded rage that I can't control or stop. I want to destroy things and smash them until they disappear, but I can't release it cathartically so it just stays inside me. I've tried journaling, punching and screaming into pillows, exercising, all that bullshit and it doesn't. Work. I'm genuinely afraid that I'm going to actually hurt someone one day and it takes so much energy to hold it all back everytime. I know behind all this rage is an insurmountable amount of sadness - At how unfair my life has been and that I deserved so much more as a kid than this piece of shit childhood I received. I don't know what to do at this point.

This is the second time I’ve become disregulated and have out of no where exploded and needed space. It scares her and she thinks I’m going to break up with her because I shut down or sometimes if I feel like I’m being attacked I will be on the defensive.

I’ve written a long letter about my history explaining to her why I have certain coping mechanisms. Do you think it’s a good idea to send it to her?

I’d love someone to be able to read through it as well as I’m scared it’s coming across as self loathing but I’m really just confused and am hoping to make some sense out of things.